No Tomorrow (2016) s01e03 Episode Script

1 - I'm Xavier.
With an "X.
" - Your life is so much fun.
- Got to live life while I can.
- What does that mean? Humankind only has eight months - and 12 days left on Earth.
- You're serious? Yeah, the apocalypse is, um, nigh.
(Sirens blaring) This is my apocalyst.
This is every last thing I want to do before things go kaput.
(Screaming) You in? Previously on No Tomorrow XAVIER: You think I'm nuts about asteroid WX 2000 354.
There's gonna be an impact.
EVIE: If this is all true, why aren't you telling people? Trust me, I've tried.
I've called everyone.
I will require your assistance to win his affections.
DEIRDRE: Operation Hanky Panky is officially underway.
(Evie whoops) - Oh! - Holy cow! (Shrieks) Ladies and gentlemen (Gasps, laughs) That was crazy! - (Laughs) - Wow! (Laughs) Oh, he's just so fun.
Crazy fun! It's like, in the last couple weeks, I feel like my whole world is opening up, you know? How was your weekend? No flaming arrows, but I did spend five hours making giant bubbles in the plaza.
- Five hours? - I did 'shrooms, and I just couldn't bring myself to leave.
Making bubbles on 'shrooms.
Maybe we should put that on the list.
- What list? - Oh, well, Xavier has a list of all the things he wants to do before You know, he's just he's just super aware of the passage of time, and I figure anything that makes you live every day to the fullest has got to be a good thing, right? So when are we gonna meet this extremely time-conscious guy? Maybe tomorrow? We could do birthday drinks for you.
That sounds fun.
Hello.
For your new chair.
Oh! Oh You you shouldn't have.
And yet I did.
Try it out.
Okay.
Uh Sit down and try this.
(Pained groan) Oh, the fan and the light.
I trust the cup holder is of sufficient diameter for a man of your thirst.
Mm-hmm.
(Snaps fingers) The chair gifts are no longer working.
Oh shoot.
How else am I supposed to express my affection to an administrative assistant under the confines of such restrictive HR guidelines? You just have to have faith that eventually your attentiveness will pay off, somehow.
Well, I did order him a graphite foot rest.
Feet are often the most ignored appendage in an office setting.
- Oh? - Maybe that'll push him over the edge.
One more thing.
We have a problem.
A quality-control problem.
Your problem.
EVIE: Someone here is screwing up orders.
Wrong things going in the wrong boxes.
Deirdre wants me to find out who it is and fire them.
So I'm thinking of setting up a security camera.
Uh-uh! Veto! I do not support a surveillance state.
Why? Because you have something to hide? No.
Because as a union rep, it is my duty to protect the rights and privacy of my coworkers.
(Sighs) Fine.
Well, just do me a favor and keep your eyes peeled.
I'm gonna go get my sleuth on.
Go get 'em, Inspector Gidget.
T-Bone is still hung up on her.
Dude is spiraling.
(Printer humming) Hello, Darkness.
(Ringtone playing) HANK: What's up, T-Rex? Can you place an order for me? Just do it online.
I can't.
My computer is too far away.
Fine.
What do you want? Every book you have on writer's block.
All righty.
And four bottles of chardonnay.
And an electric wine opener.
And a fresh linen-scented candle.
Seriously? Don't judge me; I'm very sad.
T-Bone has lost his way.
EVIE: It's a left at the light and then your second right.
The Seattle Astronomy Center.
So what's the plan for your birthday? - Well, I don't have one.
- What? Yeah, I'm trying to take a page out of your book and just live in the moment.
You can't decide, can you? Sure can't.
And I'll be 31, so I was thinking try every single flavor of ice cream at 31 Licks.
- That seems - Or have a food fight, a water-balloon fight or a pie fight some sort of weird fight, I don't know.
Or a New Orleans-style "second line".
Maybe fireworks, petting zoo Am I too old for that though? - It's quite the list.
- Well, I think some of your "what the fig" attitude is rubbing off on me.
This year, I just want it to be crazy fun.
- Oh, and Kareema wants to - (Tires screech) Whoa! What the fig?! Sorry.
What? What? So you're just gonna leave it here? Come on, the reading's already started! Okay, you're just gonna leave it here.
So, when you look up at the sky tonight - (Whispers): Can you move over, please? - FIELDS: please ask yourself, what do I really see, and what is happening beyond that? This is the most amazing opportunity.
Tyra DeNeil Fields is the most popular astrophysicist in the world, and she's an expert at translating science for laypeople.
She's just the sort of person who could not only validate my theory, but alert the general public.
FIELDS: are what continue to push us forward I, um I thought we were just here to listen to her read.
People need to know the truth, Evie.
Xavier, you're not actually gonna do FIELDS: Thank you all for coming tonight.
And now, if you have any questions XAVIER: Professor? Yeah, Ty Profess Can I just ask one question? No, no.
Not you again.
- No, no, no.
- Please? - Not you again.
- I just - No, no, no! - What are you doing? Wh-What are you doing? Guys, guys.
Hey, hey, guys! This is this is really important, all right? This is about the asteroid! It's about the ast (Taser crackling, Xavier grunting) Oh, my gosh! Are you okay? Relax, Evie, this isn't the first time I've been Tased.
I-It isn't? Ah sweet freedom! - Are you okay? - Yeah, fine.
A little hungry.
Got a court date I can move to a little bit later.
Wait, so you're just totally unfazed by this whole rigmarole.
- "Rigmarole"? - Yeah.
I like that you really thought about your word choice there, and then you went with "rigmarole".
Well, I guess I was looking for a nicer way to say "Kind of weird how you made a huge scene, got Tased, arrested and jailed!" If making a huge scene spreads the word to even one more person, it's worth it.
I thought the two of us were just going to a fun book reading, okay? The whole thing just made you look well, nuts, honestly.
I don't care how it made me look.
People have got to know the truth so they can change their lives.
Professor Fields is only in town for two more days.
I've got to get my research to her another way.
EVIE: Hank, I need a favor.
What's up, Evie? Can you hop on the the Dark Web, or whatever, and see what you can dig up on Xavier? Sure.
Why? You know how I've been telling you how crazy fun he is? - Yeah.
- I'm starting to worry he might just be crazy crazy.
Oh.
I dated a girl once who was crazy crazy.
She wanted me to put honey all over my Never mind.
You know, it's not not relevant.
He's great, mostly.
It's just, you know, if he's if he's really, truly out of his mind, I don't think I should be with him.
Stand back, Evie; I'm diving deep, and you don't want to get hit with the back-splash.
KAREEMA: Hey, birthday drinks tonight.
We said 8:30.
Let's make it 9:00.
I I don't know.
I might just spend a quiet night in.
Okay, it's adorable you think this is a negotiation.
We're having birthday drinks, and I'm not indulging any further discussion on the matter.
It's not about you.
Right.
HANK: Evie! - So, what did you find? - Nothing! Well, that's great! No, it's not great.
Look, everyone has a digital footprint.
But your guy has nothing.
He's a a cyber-ghost.
Oh, I think I got a great idea for a TV show! Uh, the point is, I need to sit down with this guy, mano a mano.
This is fun.
Oh, man, ooh.
Deirdre's really on my junk about this order snafu thing, so I have to go.
Um, you two have fun.
Talk about, you know, whatever you want.
(Chuckles) Was that Morse code? Maybe it was maybe it wasn't.
Well, I mean, if it wasn't, then you just accidentally asked me if I was in the CIA.
Which, uh, I'm not, by the way.
(Laughing) Hey, uh, two cream sodas for me and the gentleman? - (Chuckles): Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yes, sir.
(Sniffing) (Phone ringing) Customer service.
What's your problem? Hey, Kareema.
It's Timothy Finger.
Evie's old boyfriend.
Remember? Not ringing any bells.
We met a bunch of times.
I was your Secret Santa last year.
Got you those gold earrings.
You know, the ones that are those little dangling triangles.
Could you be more specific? Um, I got something in my Cybermart box that I didn't order.
(Groans) Another screwed-up order fab.
What is it this time? A Zap Strap? I don't even know what that is.
The Zap Strap by FitMart? It's a fitness revolution.
The device that challenges you to keep active through the day, play the game, beat the lightning rounds, level up, but don't stop or you'll feel the zap Zap Strap! The strap that zaps you into shape! That Zap Strap? Wow, sounds painful.
Anyway, how do I return it? I can e-mail you a return shipping label for $6.
99.
Wait, I have to pay for shipping? Plus a restocking fee.
On something I didn't order? Company policy.
Or you could keep the item.
If you are satisfied with your service, you may now terminate your call.
(Dial tone humming) I can't believe all of these returns.
Who is Inspector 41? Don't tell anyone I told you, but they'll be right next to Inspector 42 in fulfillment.
HANK: We need to talk about Xavier.
Oh, no.
Okay, what did you find out? He is awesome! - (Laughs): Wha? - Seriously! The dude's a sweetheart.
He bought lunch, he drinks cream sodas, and his asteroid theory totally lines up with Jade Helm.
- What? - Oh.
He's got Armageddon coming exactly one day after the Jade Helm exercise drops the government elite into their deep underground bunkers, while the rest of us turn into human glow sticks thanks to the Russians' nuclear holocaust.
I mean, he's got the right date, but the wrong apocalyptic event.
So, relax.
I mean, did you hear me? KAREEMA: Let's really unpack this.
What's in the "crazy" column? - Hank thinks he's sane.
- Oh, that's not good.
And there's nothing about him online.
He's been Tased, like, six times.
He's been arrested.
I've been arrested.
Don't judge.
Ooh, little piece of advice, never have sex in the back of a car you just stole.
Well, I'm just afraid of letting him even deeper into my life than he already is if it's just gonna end.
For now, maybe I should just kind of keep him separate from the other parts and people in my life.
Like the highlighters that get their own compartment in your pen drawer? - Right! - Honey, that's weird.
- No, it's perfect.
- It's impulsive.
ALL: Surprise! (Shrieks) Oh, my God, you guys! Oh, my gosh, everybody's here.
My parents, my sister.
(Laughs) Happy birthday! EVIE: Oh.
(Laughs) - Hi.
- So (Chuckles) - Oh.
- Oh, so This is crazy that you're even here.
Do you know, it's just dumb luck.
Hank mentioned it today at lunch.
Oh, good old Hank.
So happy I get to meet all the people that make Evie Evie.
You know what? You can do that anytime.
Tonight is about dancing! - (Laughs) - You okay? You seem a little tense.
No, I'm good! I just want to dance with you all night.
That's lovely, but you're sort of shoving your knee, right, right into my GARY: High capacity turbo washers! - Nine of 'em! - (Laughter) - I thought I recognized you, - What are you but I-I couldn't place it.
You're the fella that took me over the top at work.
I finally won Salesman of the Year, because of you! No, you're ki Congratulations.
Yeah.
EVIE: Oh, uh, Xavier, this is my dad Gary.
Xavier.
With an "X.
" Ah, X-avier.
- Good.
- Never mind.
What, so, uh, what's next? Well, thought I'd check out the appetizers.
No, I mean, like, uh, you know, what's your next big goal now that you've won Salesman of the Year? Win it again next year? I'm afraid there's zero percent chance of that, mate.
Oh, what Xavier means is there must be some other things you want to accomplish, right? XAVIER: Right.
Like, if you knew you only had a year left to live, how would you spend your time? I don't know.
I've I've never th I've never thought about that before.
Got to steal this one.
- I owe her a drink.
- Oh, maybe later.
No, it'll be good for you.
Come on.
- Wait - Now.
KAREEMA: Come on.
Carpe diem.
Feel better? No.
I have to find Xavier.
Before he does something crazy? (Laughs) (Gasps) Little sister, your new guy is cute.
(Laughs): Yeah.
Now, what did you say he does for a living? Oh, he's sort of in between gigs right now.
Okay, so he's unemployed? Mm-hmm.
Guess it's not the end of the world.
- No, not yet.
- Hi! Ah, there he is! I am dying - We all are.
- to talk to you.
- Get over here! - Tell me all about you.
- No - Everything! - What?! - Why did you invite Deirdre? She just keeps staring at me! I can't hide I didn't invite anyone here.
It's a surprise party for me.
Either way, I don't like it.
She keeps asking me if like my office and if I'm happy at work.
I think she's gonna fire me.
She's not gonna fire you.
Maybe you should just, you know, be friendly, connect with her.
"Connect"? With D-monic? Counterintuitive.
Puts her off her balance.
I like it.
In your eyes or in your heart So did you two get acquainted? Uh yes, yes.
He said something though that really threw me for a loop.
I was telling him about the kids' playdate schedules, you know, and Chris's bursitis flare-ups and blah, blah, blah, mommy stress, and he said maybe it's time that I did something for myself for once before it's too late.
Oh, I'm sure he didn't mean anything bad exactly.
No, something about the way he said it made it sound hopeful.
And I've inquired as to whether he likes his office and whether he's happy at work.
He stares at me as though I'm going to fire him or something.
Hmm.
What do you really want to say? What I really want to say runs counter to corporate guidelines.
Well, then screw the corporate guidelines.
There are no guidelines when it comes to love.
It's as I always say.
It's now or never.
- Um - GLORIA: Evie? Oh, hi! Met your new guy a few minutes ago.
You did? Yes, I did! And I think you should know he's very much into psychic phenomena.
Now, I know you're always telling me not to talk about my sessions with Madame Rosa, but I just happened to mention my last reading, and he was very intrigued.
Oh, what happened at your last reading? She told me that a life-changing event was coming in seven to nine months.
Uh oh It's your cousin Amy! She's expecting! Oh! (Laughs) (Silverware tapping on glass) (Gasps) That's Morse code.
It means he wants us all to listen to him.
If I could just, uh, have your attention.
I've got something very important to say.
I've got a bit of an extra surprise for you tonight.
And this New Orleans second line - will take us to it at my house! - (Band playing) So I would love if you could all follow me so I can show it to you.
Please come along and follow me.
(Crowd cheering) Come on, guys! What are you waiting for? Let's join the party! (Band playing “When the Saints Go Marching In”) - (Zap Strap buzzes) - Aah! AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE: Lightning round.
Backwards jog.
So, uh, hey.
So, what is this big surprise at your house? (Singsongy): You'll have to find out.
(Laughs) (Vocalizing) Yeah, come on! EVIE: Oh my gosh! What is this? A cake for every birthday? XAVIER: Ladies and gentlemen, because our lovely Evie is so special to us, I decided why celebrate only one birthday, when we should celebrate all of them? (Laughs): This is amazing! That's not all.
This is for you.
Goggles? You're gonna need them for the (All gasp) - food fight! - (Screams) - Talk to me, baby - (All shouting) I'm going blind from this Sweet, sweet craving, whoa Let's lose our minds and go crazy, crazy Ah, ya, ya, ya, ya, I keep on hoping We'll eat cake by the ocean (Grunts) (Screaming) (Shouting, laughter) I keep on hoping we'll eat cake by the ocean, huh.
XAVIER: To Evie! I truly hope that this, your final birthday, before asteroid 2000 WX 354 collides with Earth and wipes out every last living thing on it, was the best one ever.
(Quiet murmuring) Oh, he is completely insane.
I like it.
I mean, what's that guy's deal? Are you in a doomsday cult? You guys! You're taking him way too seriously.
I mean, he was obviously joking.
(Laughs) That's just just who he is.
He's, like crazy, fun Xavier.
Yeah, well, if he ever tells you to shave your head, you call us.
Let's go.
MARY-ANNE: Yeah.
It's not a joke.
Okay, well, what was I supposed to say? - They were upset.
- The truth is upsetting.
Maybe an asteroid's gonna hit the Earth, - maybe it isn't.
- It is! But you can't keep harping on every single person you meet! - It makes you sound crazy! - (Sighs) Would you think I was crazy if I said I believed a man could turn water into wine? - That isn't the same.
- Oh.
Isn't it? No.
An asteroid is not a religion.
It doesn't matter whether you believe my theory or not.
It's a fundamental part of my identity.
Now, you wouldn't ask someone to hide their faith or their sexuality.
You're a bigot.
- What? - You're a bigot.
- I am not.
- Yeah, you are.
It's all very well when we're having fun, but the minute someone asks why we're having all this fun, you want me to shut up.
But it's all part of the package.
You don't get to cherry-pick.
Would you stop being so quiet? You depressed is so much more distracting than you perky.
Do you think Xavier's crazy? Probably.
Oh, but life is crazy.
Personally, I say embrace the chaos.
Add a little of your own, while you're at it.
Wait, so you weren't freaked out at all by his asteroid talk? Everyone's trying to make sense of an illogical world.
That's just his way.
It's not the only way.
You know what? You're right.
I mean, Xavier's way isn't the only way.
I-I don't need an asteroid to live my life to the fullest, and I don't need him.
I can have my own fun.
You know, I'll just keep living my life, doing my Don't say it.
thing.
- (Quietly): Thang.
- I heard that.
(Computer chimes) (Sighs) Listen up, everyone.
We have a serious issue in your department, and I MAN: It was me.
I am the one who ate Ingrid's black bean bisque out of the fridge.
Oh, no, this isn't about the bisque.
Okay, never mind.
(Chuckles) Okay, I, uh, broke the vending machine trying to pay with a coat button.
I didn't have my glasses, thought it was a nickel.
That's fine, Peggy.
I have a second family in Sarasota.
Oh whoa, my.
(Gasps) I've been holding that in for about 25 years.
It feels really good to finally get that off my chest.
Thank you all.
EVIE: No, wait a second.
Time-out.
Okay, all I need to know is are any of you mixing up orders on purpose? WOMAN: Okay, guys.
Here comes the next question.
I really appreciate you inviting me to this trivial event, Hank.
Supposed to be counterintuitive.
(Sighs) This Zap Strap is amazing! HANK: T-Leaf, sit down and join us.
No, I can't.
I'm already on round nine, about to level up.
I haven't thought about Evie for 31,207 steps.
I just did.
I got to start over.
May I say that of all the men who have served under me as assistant, you have, by far WOMAN: the highest flow rate of any American waterfall? BOTH: Niagara Falls! HANK: Look Deirdre, I appreciate the chair and the cup holder and the fan and the air purifier, and as of today, the graphite footrest, but my office is starting to feel like a WOMAN: steamy, erotic sex drama from 1986? - 9 ½ - 9 ½ Weeks Because of corporate policy, I have been forced to express myself through office supplies, but what I really want to do is WOMAN: the Sanskrit word for "blow"? HANK and DEIRDRE: Nirvana.
(Whispers) (Breathes heavily) I have an Internet girlfriend! You turn around, you turn around She's running out on you Oh, I can't believe Evie's missing this.
Look at her eyes - Look at her eyes, look at her eyes - Look at her eyes You turn around, you turn around She's running out on you Can't stop me, won't stop me, can't stop me Look at her eyes Look at her eyes, look at her eyes Look at her eyes.
Oh! (Sighs loudly) (Groans loudly) Aw, what's wrong? Mom do you think I'm a bigot? Oh, honey just because you don't like Thai food No, I mean it.
Am I intolerant of other people's beliefs? Because Today's special, coming through.
Blueberry-pineapple.
First one's free.
That's how we hook you.
Oh, my gosh.
Dad, these are amazing.
Yep.
Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
That's my Al from Happy Days impression.
The finest fictional chef in TV history.
Well, you have the magic touch in the kitchen, I'll give you that.
Not just the kitchen.
(Chuckles) Oh, how do you do it? Two extra yolks and a teaspoon of cinnamon.
It's not magic, it's math.
Wait a second, you're right.
It's not magic.
And it's not religion.
It's math! Dad! Mwah! - GLORIA: What about your stilts?! - Keep 'em! All right, all right, all right.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
First thing, walking alone on stilts over the age of 14 looks really sad and weird.
Also I want to apologize for being a bigot, even though I think that it's way too harsh of a word, but still.
Apology accepted? Okay, here's the main thing.
Your theory isn't a religion.
It's science.
You've got it all worked out on paper.
So, I don't have to take it on faith; you can prove it.
Exactly.
That's what I've been trying to do, prove it to you and the rest of the world.
Wait.
Does this mean you want to see my slide show? Oh, God, no.
No, what I mean is, anyone can make a slide show.
Which is why, in 1971, the Delawhere Group was founded to answer this one vexing question, does the state of Delaware actually exist? Yes, Timothy.
I was born in Delaware.
What? Psh.
My point is, when people come up with scientific theories, they get corroborated and confirmed - in journals and things.
- Yeah, exactly, peer review.
That's what I've been trying to get Tyra DeNeil Fields to do.
She's an expert at explaining difficult scientific concepts to the public.
Which is why I want her to look me in the eye and tell me you're actually onto something.
(Inhales sharply) Mm, one thing.
I can't get within 300 feet of her.
But I can.
(Chuckling) Are you Professor Fields? Well, now, that depends.
Are you enjoying the book or? (Laughs) Um, sir, can I get another round for Professor Fields on me? Sure thing.
May I Can I join you? Sure.
TIMOTHY: You're acting strange.
I'm acting strange? Yeah.
Yeah, you left trivia last night before the final question.
The subject was canning and pickling.
We really could've used you.
I know, look something popped up.
- (Zap Strap buzzes) - (Groans) AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE: Lightning challenge.
Ten pull-ups.
- All right, watch this.
- Watch what? I thought we were going to lunch.
Ooh.
I can't eat until I level up.
The bracelet will punish me.
You can take that thing off, you know, right? Eight nine ten! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! You okay, T-Spoon? I'm not great.
(Groans) I think I just had an idea.
Biomimicry.
EVIE: Well, and that's what I love about science.
You know, it has rules - that make sense.
- Yes and no.
Are you familiar with quantum entanglement? Oh.
Yeah, sure.
It's just been a-a while.
All right.
Okay.
- Two subatomic particles, right? - Mm-hmm.
They get paired up and they become identical.
They begin spinning the same direction because they have the same electrical charge.
- All right.
- And from now on, no matter where they go, they're connected.
And they can instantly communicate across time and space, even if they're light-years away.
We don't know how, we don't know why.
Whoa.
So there's a lot in science that doesn't make sense.
Well, cheers to that.
These are delicious.
So refreshing.
Another Bechdel, ladies? - Mm.
- Mm-mm.
No, thank you.
Okay, so I'm dating this guy - Mm! - and he comes across a little crazy, but he's passionate and smart.
- I know the type.
I know the type.
- And he has a theory we were hoping you could peer review.
Hi.
Hello, again.
- Oh, hell no! - Please! No, Professor, we just want five minutes of your time.
Nope, nope.
Do you understand how a restraining order works? Yes, I do.
Please.
Okay, he might seem nuts, but I'm not.
You have my word we won't bother you again if you just hear him out.
Five minutes.
Five minutes.
AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE: of sumo squats! Lightning challenge! (Zap Strap buzzes) Ah! AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE: Straighten your back! - (Zap Strap buzzes) - Ugh! When you account for the force of unbalanced thermal radiation - Yes, the Yarkovsky effect.
Go on.
- Precisely.
Then by my calculations, the asteroid's actually altering its orbital pattern - toward Earth.
- No.
Surely NEOWISE or IRTF would have detected it by now.
The chalk value is too low.
Look, I-I know you're really busy, and we've already taken up five minutes of your time, but please, will you just read this? I've run the numbers.
Again and again.
It checks out.
All I want to do is-is tell people the truth, so they can make the most of the time we have left.
And I'm hoping you can help me tell them.
My lunch date's here.
Please.
Thank (Exhales) (Exhaling) (Laughter) I can't believe it! You did it! We did it! Ah! Oh, wait.
Balls! I forgot my purse.
One second.
TYRA: Excuse me.
Can you toss this for me, please? Yeah, sure.
I get at least two crackpots comin' at me a week.
They're smart, but they're nuts.
You do you realize that as we speak, the great Tyra DeNeil Fields is going over my calculations.
The truth is finally going to get out there! The world is gonna finally know.
Yeah.
It's it's exciting.
And I owe it all to you.
Thank you.
You know, you don't have to keep saying that.
Yep.
You're right.
Show don't tell.
Sorry.
Mm.
Mm.
Ah! Evie? I'm glad I caught you before I left.
- Where you going? - Sarasota.
To be with my second family.
I spent ten years in fulfillment without realizing that I wasn't fulfilled.
So I quit.
I know it might sound crazy, but nothing ever felt more right.
Could you tell Deirdre? I'm too scared to.
EVIE: Hey, Hank.
Hank.
Hank! - Aah! Jiminy! - Oh! Don't sneak up on me like that.
What? I called your name several times.
What? Hey, hold on a sec.
- Ugh.
- Ew, why are you wearing those? The other night at trivia, Deirdre whispered in my ear, and something happened.
What did she say? She said, "Excuse me, I need to go to the ladies room.
" I don't get it.
It's not what she said, it's how she said it.
Her voice is just so husky, and erotic.
And it did something to me.
What did it, uh what did it do to you? (Whispers): I had what can only be described as a full-blown eargasm.
(Laughs) - (Groans) - (Snorts) Are you are you into Deirdre? (Snorts) No! (Scoffing) She's the worst.
And I have an Internet girlfriend.
Yeah.
Who you've never actually met.
@WinnieCooper534 is real! Believe me.
The ear, it just wants - what it wants - Okay, you know what? - You know what? You're bumped down - (Laughs) to friend number two.
You're bumped down to friend number two, and Timothy's friend number one, - now that he's human again.
- (Chuckles) He accidentally got a Zap Strap from here.
Got him out of the house and broke through his writer's block.
Wait, Timothy got a screwed-up order too? Yup, and Kareema told him to keep it.
Total serendipity.
It wasn't serendipity.
It was you! All along it was you.
You're the glitch in the system! I have no idea what you're talking about, but you're interrupting my very important work.
It all makes sense! (Sighs) Nothing makes sense.
We're at the mercy of a random, and unfeeling universe Oh, stop it.
You heard about Timothy's writer's block, then he mysteriously got that ZipZap thing.
You talked about adding chaos to the world Fine.
Oh! A few months ago, I started switching orders around because I got bored.
You know, small stuff, like putting a vibrator in an old lady's crockpot.
Switching books: Analyst for Anal Lust.
But then you started talking to me about Xavier's philosophy, and making time count, and I decided to make a little list of things I wanted to try.
"Naked knitting circle "Book club orgies sex on a ski lift helping people"? So Xavier inspired you.
(Exhales) Look, maybe he's crazy.
Maybe what I'm doing is crazy, too, but Maybe sometimes crazy's worth it.
I have to tell Deirdre something Do your thing.
Did you hear how I said that? "Thing?" Soft "I.
" "Thing.
" Soft "I.
" Well, mystery solved! It was Robert in Fulfillment.
Ha! He totally fell down on the job.
But I took care of it, and you won't be seeing him round here again.
Great.
Are you okay? Sensory deprivation helps me with stress.
Hank is avoiding me.
Oh! I Well I hadn't noticed.
Your friend, that Xaviar fellow? He convinced me that if I defied the corporate guidelines and made a move, that I could finally break through to Hank.
Maybe you did.
He ran away from me.
Literally.
Full sprint.
Maybe he's just not ready to face his feelings.
Feelings? When you smile like that, you look like a prairie dog.
Just don't give up on him yet.
He might still come around.
Have faith.
I'm not sure it's in the cards Hmm.
GLORIA: Five of Wands.
Are you feeling conflicted about something? Yeah.
Xavier.
Tyra just tossed his research, and I I didn't tell him.
I didn't want to burst his bubble.
But you know what? I don't even know if his theory's based in reality or nuts, but Mom listening to him talk about it he sounded smart.
And insightful.
And passionate.
Well, maybe that's enough.
Let me tell you something.
I don't love your dad's muffins.
I mean, I love that he bakes for me.
Makes me feel good, it makes him feel good, and that's enough.
But see, telling him that he uses way too much cinnamon (Chuckles) oh, it'd just suck the joy right out of it.
So if you like who Xavier is, what's a scientist got to do with it? You know, love is all about teaming up with someone, and then having their back no matter what.
GARY: Gentlewomen, your attention please.
I have an announcement to make.
I just quit my job! - What? - Why? - What happened? - Your crazy boyfriend made a very valid point the other night.
Time is precious, and I need to start pursuing my passions.
So, I'm going to become an actor.
Honey! That's great! I'm so proud of you.
Are you lookin' at me? Are you lookin' at me? 'Cause I think you're lookin' at me.
Hey.
You gotta ask yourself You feel lucky, punk? EVIE: I have something important to tell you about last night I admire you for living by your convictions.
And I don't need Tyra DeNeil Fields's approval to know that your way of life is positive and contagious, and has real value for people.
I've seen it happen.
I mean, it happened to me.
And to people around me.
I realized it doesn't actually matter if I believe if the apocalypse is coming or not - (Sighs) It is - No, because we can still be together, even if we don't believe all the same things.
No matter what, I've got your back And I've got yours, too.
- What are you - (Chuckling): Okay, so Um Let's shout it from the rooftops.
You made these? Evie.
- Mm-hmm? - You are the sexiest ex-bigot I have ever seen.
(Evie laughs) Listen up, people! XAVIER (Shouts): The end is nigh! - The asteroid is coming! - EVIE: And don't waste a single day! Love is enough at the end of the tracks When the car wrecks, heart attacks