Noel Fielding's Luxury Comedy (2012) s01e03 Episode Script
King Tutta
1 SPANISH SERENADE PLAYS MUSIC STOPS FAST-PACED FLAMENCO PLAYS Luxury comedy La la la-la-la-la la People running round and people making love La la la-la-la-la la People under there and people up above Ooh, yeah Ooh, yeah Put him in the bag.
(TUTS) It's that mountain - he's tutting again.
(TUTS) Oh, what's his problem?! He just sits there, tutting through the whole show.
Some of the show's not my cup of tea, I don't tut all the way through it! What do you mean it's not your cup of tea?! You're in it, you fraggle! You should go and have it out with him.
I mean, if you don't like something, yeah, just get up and leave.
Don't sit there tutting all the time.
Well, he can't move.
He's a mountain.
He's fixed to the ground.
I'm going to have a word with him.
Go on, then.
I'm going to! I feel a bit weak, though.
I'll go in a bit, have a cup of tea first.
I mean, my arms feel weird.
One of them feels long and the other's all loose.
I need a cup of tea, really.
Can you get me tea and some biscuits? You know the ones I like - ones with stick figures playing sports.
Can I have them? Please? They're little oblong people.
The sports oblong people, can I have some? We've run out.
We ran out?! You went to the shop an hour ago.
You're supposed to be my butler! I forgot! I had a lot on my mind! That's the only thing on the list! (SIGHS) (TUTS) Oh, no.
A huge knife has cut off both your legs, Joey.
What will you do now? Grow them back like a wee lizard can its tail? Perhaps your good friend, Dee Dee Ramone, can push you around on a skateboard.
Oh, look, Colin Montgomerie is using your left leg as a human putter to win the Masters.
APPLAUSE Who'd have thought it - your discarded leg achieving more success than the rest of your body? But as we both know, you can't measure success by the number of golf tournaments you've won, can you, Joey? Poor Joey Ramone.
Poor Colin Montgomerie, naked from the waist up.
Proud, defiant, and definitely Scottish.
(TUTS RAPIDLY) (SIGHS) I've had enough of that mountain - he's tutting again.
What are you going to do? I'll teach him a lesson.
I'm going to give him the "hot teaspoon on the cheek" routine.
Tssch! Yeah, that'll show him(!) Yeah, it will show him.
Got a problem, have you, eh? Tutting at everyone? Think you're special, Mr Mountain? Think you're a king, do you? Yeah? Well, check this out.
SIZZLING (LAUGHS) All right? THEY ALL TU What was that? No, didn't think you'd say anything.
Not so cocky now, are you? Now you've had the "hot teaspoon on the cheek" routine.
Prick! What? Nothing.
Prick.
(LAUGHS) See me go? He won't tut as us again, I tell you that.
How'd you get there so quick? It's miles away.
That's how TV works - you can cut to anything.
Really? Yeah.
I call it "travelling by television.
" Let me show you.
Right.
Scene one.
"Smooth asks how travelling by television works.
" I'll leave that there.
That's it, finished.
Scene two.
"Smooth sits on a large mushroom, deciding which frying pan to buy.
" This one's slightly bigger, but the handle on this one looks like it might last longer.
Scene three.
"Smooth arrives back at the desk with his new frying pan.
" (CHUCKLES) Which one'd you go for in the end? The one with the stronger handle.
Nice choice.
BELL RINGS Because it's been four years since my wife died, a few of my army chums got together and hired me a prostitute.
I couldn't really manage anything.
All I could muster up was a cuddle.
Towards the end of the session, I found myself showing her my wedding photographs.
(SOBS) She looked very disinterested.
It was that disinterest that brought me to climax.
Job done.
OK, scene one.
"Noel and Dolly sit at the desk.
" Yeah? OK.
Right, scene two can be absolutely anything you want.
Hit me.
Er, me in puffball.
What? You in a puffball? Yeah, a puffball skirt.
What's a puffball skirt?! It's a padded skirt that goes round at the hem, like that.
Couldn't you get one at a shop? Well, you said I could have anything I liked, and All right! "Dolly in a puffball.
" Right, where are you? I'm on a lake.
That's better.
You're getting into it.
"On a lake.
" Yeah? What are you doing? I'm in a pedalo or boat, I don't mind.
I'll put "pedalo/boat.
" Perfect.
That sounds beautiful.
Am I with you? No, no.
I'm on my own with two 18-year-old boys in white linen.
You sure you don't want to make that stone-washed denim? No, white linen.
OK, keep it perverted but clean.
Noel, Noel, Noel.
Smooth said you can use the power of television to get free frying pans.
I want one! All right, calm down.
I can do that, but the thing is, Andy - this goes for you, too, Puffball Annie - nothing's really for free.
No, it's true.
Somewhere down the line, someone has to pay.
You think in history of all the endless guest lists and blaggers and people who steal stationery from work.
I myself have got a hefty Post-it note collection.
Yeah, you buy one, you get one free.
Basically, all the stuff people get for free, someone has to pay for that.
But who? Jeremy Beautiful Chest.
Look at him down there in that paddock.
What an idiot.
Fantasy Man, Fantasy Man, Fantasy Man, Fantasy Man FANTASY MAN, FANTASY MAN, FANTASY MAN, FANTASY MAN.
This week's special guest, my sidekick Big Chief Woolabum Boomalackaway.
Yes, but mainly Fantasy Maaaaannn.
Hello, Fantasy Man.
How are you today? I'm good, thank you.
I'm off on one of my little adventures.
You're always going on some fucking quest, aren't you, Fantasy Man? Who's this you've got with you today? This is Big Chief Woolabum Boomalackaway.
Who, Fantasy Man? Big Chief Woolabum Boomalackaway.
Big Chief Woolabum Boomalackaway? Big Chief Woolabum Boomalackaway.
Please don't make me repeat it again.
What's the point of him? I can see into the future.
Oh, really? Yes, but unfortunately only 15 minutes into the future.
Oh, dear, Fantasy Man.
That doesn't sound like much use.
I'm fully aware of that.
I usually use his brother, Patrick Duffy.
He can see up to three days into the future But unfortunately, he's got the shits.
TYPING Hello? Oh, sorry, Fantasy Man.
I was just checking my e-mails.
You've not asked me where I'm going, what quest I'm on.
That's your only function, you know.
Where are you going, Fantasy Man? Well, a crack has appeared in the Internet, in between YouTube and YouPorn.
We must get there and sew up the crack before all manner of evil residue comes out and starts pumping and grinding and splashing about.
I mean, that's twice I've tried to open it.
I don't even have QuickTime.
I mean, what's Oh, yes.
Goodbye, Fantasy Man.
Goodbye, Big Chief Woolabum.
Bye! Oh, no.
What is it, my good friend Big Chief Woolabum Boomalackaway? It is the Bobatron.
Oh, the Bobatron, the schizophrenic flag, and a tricky customer.
You'll have to let me deal with him.
You're on far too much Special K.
Hiya.
How you doing? In order to cross this bridge, you must first solve a riddle.
But I want to first say, you'll find me quite an easy-going, happy-go-lucky kind of guy.
But I can turn.
I've got a bit of a dark side, you see.
I MEAN, I CAN GE REALLY FUCKING ANGRY! I mean, say for example I'm at home, watching a film, having a few beers, and the wife comes in and asks me to take the rubbish out.
I MEAN, CAN'T SHE WAI UNTIL THE END OF THE FILM?! TEN MINUTES ISN'T GOING TO MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE AT ALL! I MEAN, JESUS CHRIST, I DON'T EVEN HAVE A WIFE! That kind of thing.
Do you know what I mean? I mean, I'm out on the lake, fishing with the guys, and I get a call from the boss.
Can I come into the office? They've only gone and, well, lost the Deacon file, haven't they? AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN DEAL WITH THE DEACON FILE?! I MEAN, IT'S SATURDAY! NO-ONE WORKS ON SATURDAYS! That kind of thing.
Do you know what I mean? We get the picture, thank you.
Could we have the riddle? We're pressed for time.
Ah, sorry! Yeah, sure.
If it takes a year to drink a horse, how long does a Spanish priest have to cry for when rolling up a hill against a north-facing breeze? Bearing in mind, yeah, that it's winter and dark and the priest is covered in ball bearings and his own shit.
Er, can I phone a friend? What's that? You said you wanted to phone a friend? You want to phone one of your little friends? OF COURSE YOU CAN' PHONE A FRIEND, YOU MORON! WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN PHONE A FRIEND?! AH, YOU MAKE ME SICK, YOU IDIOT! LOOK AT YOU, YOU PAIR OF TITS AND YOUR STUPID LITTLE UNIFORMS, COMING TO MY FUCKING BRIDGE! What are you doing?! Put me down! Put me doooown! Oh, fuck! I was going to go out tonight, but I can't now, can I? I'm wet through! But in some ways, this isn't so bad.
I mean, the river takes me more or less straight home and the traffic at this time of night can be such a nightmare.
Especially on the B43 - it's always jammed up.
Look, it is the crack.
ELECTRICAL CRACKLING Quick, Chief Woolabum Boomalackaway, bring out the Golden Needle and sew up the crack before all manner of evil residue comes out, starts strangling and throttling all the children.
Golden Needle, how long do you think it will take to sew up the crack? Er, looking at it, 15 minutes, tops.
I hope that's long enough.
I can check it if you want to.
Of course you can, your special skill - looking into the future.
Go ahead, Big Chief, do your magic thing.
(SNIFFS) Ugh The next 15 minutes will be fine.
Is it entirely necessary to do poppers every time you look into the future? Yeeeeessss.
For goodness' sake, fire the Golden Needle into the crack, please, and seal it? Oh, for goodness' sake, Needle, I thought you said it would take 15 minutes! I'm going as fast as I can, you dick! Some of this needs double stitching! I still have one last trick left up my fantasy sleeves.
Oohhh (SCREAMS) Oh, no Oh, it is the Bobatron.
We've had several phone calls that you've been scaring the children, firing arrows at them, and mucking around.
Now, you'll find me quite an easy-going, happy-go-lucky kind of police officer, but if you start giving me the run-around, I can turn.
For instance, if you come to the station with me now, we can sort out all this mess.
But if you start acting up, and mucking around, then I GET REALLY FUCKING ANGRY! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR, YOU FUCKING RETARD?! GET IN THE FUCKING VAN, YOU FUCKING BUNCH OF PLUMS! GO ON, GET IN THERE! Hello, Fantasy Man.
Did you manage to seal up the crack in the Internet? No, we've had a bit of trouble.
In fact, we've been arrested.
Oh, dear.
I myself had a wonderful afternoon.
I went to Harrods.
My wife's quite rich, you know.
Toodle-oo.
Looks like our journey's at an end.
On the contrary, my friend.
It's only just begun.
Ooh, yeah.
"Smooth enters the hut wearing purple pants.
" (LAUGHS) Nice trunks! What's with the hat? Just an extra pair of eyes to have about the place.
What for? Let's just say it's time to keep an eye on everyone.
What're you talking about? You know.
Yesterday I bought three Fab lollies, yeah? I had one in the queue, I'm not an idiot, leaving me two.
This morning, when I checked my little desk freezer, there was only one left! Explain that! You had two, you dick.
You had one last night.
I did not have one last night! Why would you say that! The red stuff around your mouth at bath time.
That was felt tip from the colouring-in competition! I came second.
I got an award from Nanny Porpoise! How does it work, anyway? I'll give you a demonstration.
You go out, I'll pretend to be asleep.
Try to steal my Fab lolly.
You're going to love this! Blow your mind.
OK.
You ready? I'm asleep.
WHIRRING Huh? See? Amazing, yeah? (LAUGHS) You getting that? Ha-HA! But how does him waving about let you know what's going on? The wind, the air currents going past your ears, enlightening you to the fact that another Fab lolly might be gone.
Where did you get a hat like that anyway? Andy Warhol made it.
Maybe he's the one stealing your lollies.
I don't think it's going to be Andy Warhol, is it? He's gone to the trouble of building me a security hat.
Why would he steal the lollies? Seems like the perfect alibi to me.
ANDY WARHOL HUMS Wait a minute! What's all that red stuff around your mouth? It's blood from a penguin's carcass I was feasting on in the hallway.
Thank God for that! I thought you were the one stealing the lollies.
No! Check this out.
"Smooth enters the hut wearing leopard-skin pants.
" (LAUGHS) Nice pants! Ha! Big cat pants! Ha! Big cat pants! Ha! Big cat pants! Ha! Big cat pants! Ha! Big cat pants! Yeah, maybe go do some Hoovering? Yes.
WESTERN MUSIC CHOPPING CONTINUES I mean, this whole business with the hat is just stupid.
What if I want to get naked sometimes? Why would you get naked? Because I'm spontaneous and free and don't want some hat staring at me.
If you're so spontaneous and free, why would you mind if a hat was looking at you? Because this one might be like some massive 'par-fart' or something.
A what?! A massive 'par-fart'.
Sorry, a what? A 'par-fart'! Not a pervert, is he? He's a security hat just getting on with his own business.
I know, but it's very likely that he will fall in love with me.
I can see already.
Look at the way he's looking at me and what if I fall a little bit in love with him back? What, we get married and Oh, for God's sake, it's all stupid! There's other stuff to worry about than your weird sexual fantasies with a hat! There's still a missing Fab lolly to consider! I bought three, I ate one in the queue! When I came down to my desk freezer this morning, there's only one left! Where's the other one gone?! You had two, you dick! No I didn't! Why would you say that?! The red stuff around your mouth! THAT WAS FELT TIP FROM THE COLOURING-IN COMPETITION! I WON AN AWARD FROM NANNY PORPOISE! WHY WON'T ANYONE BELIEVE ME? (SOBS) HAT WHIRS AROUND (SOBS) Stop going on about it.
The time elapsed between Joyce's Ulysses and Finnegan's Wake is nearly 20 years.
Often, people would say to him, "What's going on?" And he would say, "I had a good day today, I wrote a word.
" Now, for me, that's not really writing.
That's simply putting a word down.
And this kind of stasis, this kind of collapse, this kind of absolute obscurantism really has mired art for the last, I'd say 120 years.
No-one's got anything to really contribute.
And this lack of confidence - it's a crisis, really - is probably, to my mind, caused by Ice Cream Eyes.
How could that have been me? I was watching Time from the secrecy of an umbrella.
I blame Tony Coins.
I'm afraid you've got the wrong cat.
Couldn't have been me.
I was on an enormous spending spree.
If I had to blame someone, it'd have to be Adam Printout.
That dick's always up to no good.
I don't think it was me.
Although I've no real alibi.
I was at home having weak tea and a lemon slice.
If you really pushed me, I'd probably say it was Eugene Secret Note Passed Under The Door.
I got caught with Angel Delight and going on the swings with Darren.
Push me, Darren! Push me faster and faster! Oh, my pockets are wet now.
My pockets are wet right through.
I got my momma's knickers on.
Oh, Eugene Secret Note Passed Under The Door, to think I almost blamed Ice Cream Eyes.
Yeah, motherfucker.
Where's the hat? Hmm? Where's the hat? Oh, he had to go.
You know, his work was done here, so he moved on.
That's what he does, he moves on from town to town.
Bit like The Littlest Hobo.
Oh.
Ah, you like the hat! He had a certain charm, you know? Oh, really? I thought you thought he was a pervert.
No, I was wrong.
But now I'll never know if he was a pervert or not, because he's gone and I won't see him again.
Maybe you will.
Maybe I can make that happen with my little magic typewriter.
Really? Check this out.
"Dolly sits on a large mushroom.
Suddenly, the phone rings.
"Oh, I wonder who that is, she thinks.
" And who is it? Well, it's the hat, isn't it, obviously.
That's what this is about.
Thank you.
PHONE RINGS Ma'am, you are looking mighty fine today, if you don't mind me saying so.
Oh, thank you.
You have such a strong brim.
Would you do me the honour of accompanying me to the rodeo? Oh, I'd love to.
But this is crazy.
I don't even know your name.
They call me Sugar Bone Thompson And I'm going to the rodeo Got a lady on my arm, ooh And I used to live in Hammersmith They call me Sugar Bone Thompson I ain't lying And I used to be a cowboy Still am one Riding on the hilltops Cos I'm a round-hatted son of a bitch I'm a velvet-hatted son of a bitch.
"I'm a round-hatted son of a bitch", yee-ha! Nice.
Tut.
Right, that's it.
I'm going to do both cheeks.
You're in trouble, mate.
Tut, tut, tut Ba-la-da-dum Bom, bom, bom (IMITATES TRUMPET) Ba-la-da-dum Bom, bom, bom Ba-la-da-dum Bom, ba da da dum.
Oh, sorry, are you doing a song? Sorry, I thought you were tutting again.
Didn't realise it was a song.
That's amazing, using tutting in a creative way.
I really like that.
Sorry about earlier.
I was a bit stressed out.
Smooth forgot to get me some biscuits.
That's the only thing on the list.
You guys doing the tutting song, that's amazing.
I think you'll go far.
Good luck with that.
I know a few A&R men.
I might send some your way.
Let me know if you do any live gigs, yeah? All right.
Take care, yeah? I love you.
Tut.
Tut.
What a prick.
Got to go now, it's the end of the show Bye bye now, it's the end of the show Come back next for another show You got to come back for another show Bye bye Baby, bye bye Baby, bye bye
(TUTS) It's that mountain - he's tutting again.
(TUTS) Oh, what's his problem?! He just sits there, tutting through the whole show.
Some of the show's not my cup of tea, I don't tut all the way through it! What do you mean it's not your cup of tea?! You're in it, you fraggle! You should go and have it out with him.
I mean, if you don't like something, yeah, just get up and leave.
Don't sit there tutting all the time.
Well, he can't move.
He's a mountain.
He's fixed to the ground.
I'm going to have a word with him.
Go on, then.
I'm going to! I feel a bit weak, though.
I'll go in a bit, have a cup of tea first.
I mean, my arms feel weird.
One of them feels long and the other's all loose.
I need a cup of tea, really.
Can you get me tea and some biscuits? You know the ones I like - ones with stick figures playing sports.
Can I have them? Please? They're little oblong people.
The sports oblong people, can I have some? We've run out.
We ran out?! You went to the shop an hour ago.
You're supposed to be my butler! I forgot! I had a lot on my mind! That's the only thing on the list! (SIGHS) (TUTS) Oh, no.
A huge knife has cut off both your legs, Joey.
What will you do now? Grow them back like a wee lizard can its tail? Perhaps your good friend, Dee Dee Ramone, can push you around on a skateboard.
Oh, look, Colin Montgomerie is using your left leg as a human putter to win the Masters.
APPLAUSE Who'd have thought it - your discarded leg achieving more success than the rest of your body? But as we both know, you can't measure success by the number of golf tournaments you've won, can you, Joey? Poor Joey Ramone.
Poor Colin Montgomerie, naked from the waist up.
Proud, defiant, and definitely Scottish.
(TUTS RAPIDLY) (SIGHS) I've had enough of that mountain - he's tutting again.
What are you going to do? I'll teach him a lesson.
I'm going to give him the "hot teaspoon on the cheek" routine.
Tssch! Yeah, that'll show him(!) Yeah, it will show him.
Got a problem, have you, eh? Tutting at everyone? Think you're special, Mr Mountain? Think you're a king, do you? Yeah? Well, check this out.
SIZZLING (LAUGHS) All right? THEY ALL TU What was that? No, didn't think you'd say anything.
Not so cocky now, are you? Now you've had the "hot teaspoon on the cheek" routine.
Prick! What? Nothing.
Prick.
(LAUGHS) See me go? He won't tut as us again, I tell you that.
How'd you get there so quick? It's miles away.
That's how TV works - you can cut to anything.
Really? Yeah.
I call it "travelling by television.
" Let me show you.
Right.
Scene one.
"Smooth asks how travelling by television works.
" I'll leave that there.
That's it, finished.
Scene two.
"Smooth sits on a large mushroom, deciding which frying pan to buy.
" This one's slightly bigger, but the handle on this one looks like it might last longer.
Scene three.
"Smooth arrives back at the desk with his new frying pan.
" (CHUCKLES) Which one'd you go for in the end? The one with the stronger handle.
Nice choice.
BELL RINGS Because it's been four years since my wife died, a few of my army chums got together and hired me a prostitute.
I couldn't really manage anything.
All I could muster up was a cuddle.
Towards the end of the session, I found myself showing her my wedding photographs.
(SOBS) She looked very disinterested.
It was that disinterest that brought me to climax.
Job done.
OK, scene one.
"Noel and Dolly sit at the desk.
" Yeah? OK.
Right, scene two can be absolutely anything you want.
Hit me.
Er, me in puffball.
What? You in a puffball? Yeah, a puffball skirt.
What's a puffball skirt?! It's a padded skirt that goes round at the hem, like that.
Couldn't you get one at a shop? Well, you said I could have anything I liked, and All right! "Dolly in a puffball.
" Right, where are you? I'm on a lake.
That's better.
You're getting into it.
"On a lake.
" Yeah? What are you doing? I'm in a pedalo or boat, I don't mind.
I'll put "pedalo/boat.
" Perfect.
That sounds beautiful.
Am I with you? No, no.
I'm on my own with two 18-year-old boys in white linen.
You sure you don't want to make that stone-washed denim? No, white linen.
OK, keep it perverted but clean.
Noel, Noel, Noel.
Smooth said you can use the power of television to get free frying pans.
I want one! All right, calm down.
I can do that, but the thing is, Andy - this goes for you, too, Puffball Annie - nothing's really for free.
No, it's true.
Somewhere down the line, someone has to pay.
You think in history of all the endless guest lists and blaggers and people who steal stationery from work.
I myself have got a hefty Post-it note collection.
Yeah, you buy one, you get one free.
Basically, all the stuff people get for free, someone has to pay for that.
But who? Jeremy Beautiful Chest.
Look at him down there in that paddock.
What an idiot.
Fantasy Man, Fantasy Man, Fantasy Man, Fantasy Man FANTASY MAN, FANTASY MAN, FANTASY MAN, FANTASY MAN.
This week's special guest, my sidekick Big Chief Woolabum Boomalackaway.
Yes, but mainly Fantasy Maaaaannn.
Hello, Fantasy Man.
How are you today? I'm good, thank you.
I'm off on one of my little adventures.
You're always going on some fucking quest, aren't you, Fantasy Man? Who's this you've got with you today? This is Big Chief Woolabum Boomalackaway.
Who, Fantasy Man? Big Chief Woolabum Boomalackaway.
Big Chief Woolabum Boomalackaway? Big Chief Woolabum Boomalackaway.
Please don't make me repeat it again.
What's the point of him? I can see into the future.
Oh, really? Yes, but unfortunately only 15 minutes into the future.
Oh, dear, Fantasy Man.
That doesn't sound like much use.
I'm fully aware of that.
I usually use his brother, Patrick Duffy.
He can see up to three days into the future But unfortunately, he's got the shits.
TYPING Hello? Oh, sorry, Fantasy Man.
I was just checking my e-mails.
You've not asked me where I'm going, what quest I'm on.
That's your only function, you know.
Where are you going, Fantasy Man? Well, a crack has appeared in the Internet, in between YouTube and YouPorn.
We must get there and sew up the crack before all manner of evil residue comes out and starts pumping and grinding and splashing about.
I mean, that's twice I've tried to open it.
I don't even have QuickTime.
I mean, what's Oh, yes.
Goodbye, Fantasy Man.
Goodbye, Big Chief Woolabum.
Bye! Oh, no.
What is it, my good friend Big Chief Woolabum Boomalackaway? It is the Bobatron.
Oh, the Bobatron, the schizophrenic flag, and a tricky customer.
You'll have to let me deal with him.
You're on far too much Special K.
Hiya.
How you doing? In order to cross this bridge, you must first solve a riddle.
But I want to first say, you'll find me quite an easy-going, happy-go-lucky kind of guy.
But I can turn.
I've got a bit of a dark side, you see.
I MEAN, I CAN GE REALLY FUCKING ANGRY! I mean, say for example I'm at home, watching a film, having a few beers, and the wife comes in and asks me to take the rubbish out.
I MEAN, CAN'T SHE WAI UNTIL THE END OF THE FILM?! TEN MINUTES ISN'T GOING TO MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE AT ALL! I MEAN, JESUS CHRIST, I DON'T EVEN HAVE A WIFE! That kind of thing.
Do you know what I mean? I mean, I'm out on the lake, fishing with the guys, and I get a call from the boss.
Can I come into the office? They've only gone and, well, lost the Deacon file, haven't they? AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN DEAL WITH THE DEACON FILE?! I MEAN, IT'S SATURDAY! NO-ONE WORKS ON SATURDAYS! That kind of thing.
Do you know what I mean? We get the picture, thank you.
Could we have the riddle? We're pressed for time.
Ah, sorry! Yeah, sure.
If it takes a year to drink a horse, how long does a Spanish priest have to cry for when rolling up a hill against a north-facing breeze? Bearing in mind, yeah, that it's winter and dark and the priest is covered in ball bearings and his own shit.
Er, can I phone a friend? What's that? You said you wanted to phone a friend? You want to phone one of your little friends? OF COURSE YOU CAN' PHONE A FRIEND, YOU MORON! WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN PHONE A FRIEND?! AH, YOU MAKE ME SICK, YOU IDIOT! LOOK AT YOU, YOU PAIR OF TITS AND YOUR STUPID LITTLE UNIFORMS, COMING TO MY FUCKING BRIDGE! What are you doing?! Put me down! Put me doooown! Oh, fuck! I was going to go out tonight, but I can't now, can I? I'm wet through! But in some ways, this isn't so bad.
I mean, the river takes me more or less straight home and the traffic at this time of night can be such a nightmare.
Especially on the B43 - it's always jammed up.
Look, it is the crack.
ELECTRICAL CRACKLING Quick, Chief Woolabum Boomalackaway, bring out the Golden Needle and sew up the crack before all manner of evil residue comes out, starts strangling and throttling all the children.
Golden Needle, how long do you think it will take to sew up the crack? Er, looking at it, 15 minutes, tops.
I hope that's long enough.
I can check it if you want to.
Of course you can, your special skill - looking into the future.
Go ahead, Big Chief, do your magic thing.
(SNIFFS) Ugh The next 15 minutes will be fine.
Is it entirely necessary to do poppers every time you look into the future? Yeeeeessss.
For goodness' sake, fire the Golden Needle into the crack, please, and seal it? Oh, for goodness' sake, Needle, I thought you said it would take 15 minutes! I'm going as fast as I can, you dick! Some of this needs double stitching! I still have one last trick left up my fantasy sleeves.
Oohhh (SCREAMS) Oh, no Oh, it is the Bobatron.
We've had several phone calls that you've been scaring the children, firing arrows at them, and mucking around.
Now, you'll find me quite an easy-going, happy-go-lucky kind of police officer, but if you start giving me the run-around, I can turn.
For instance, if you come to the station with me now, we can sort out all this mess.
But if you start acting up, and mucking around, then I GET REALLY FUCKING ANGRY! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR, YOU FUCKING RETARD?! GET IN THE FUCKING VAN, YOU FUCKING BUNCH OF PLUMS! GO ON, GET IN THERE! Hello, Fantasy Man.
Did you manage to seal up the crack in the Internet? No, we've had a bit of trouble.
In fact, we've been arrested.
Oh, dear.
I myself had a wonderful afternoon.
I went to Harrods.
My wife's quite rich, you know.
Toodle-oo.
Looks like our journey's at an end.
On the contrary, my friend.
It's only just begun.
Ooh, yeah.
"Smooth enters the hut wearing purple pants.
" (LAUGHS) Nice trunks! What's with the hat? Just an extra pair of eyes to have about the place.
What for? Let's just say it's time to keep an eye on everyone.
What're you talking about? You know.
Yesterday I bought three Fab lollies, yeah? I had one in the queue, I'm not an idiot, leaving me two.
This morning, when I checked my little desk freezer, there was only one left! Explain that! You had two, you dick.
You had one last night.
I did not have one last night! Why would you say that! The red stuff around your mouth at bath time.
That was felt tip from the colouring-in competition! I came second.
I got an award from Nanny Porpoise! How does it work, anyway? I'll give you a demonstration.
You go out, I'll pretend to be asleep.
Try to steal my Fab lolly.
You're going to love this! Blow your mind.
OK.
You ready? I'm asleep.
WHIRRING Huh? See? Amazing, yeah? (LAUGHS) You getting that? Ha-HA! But how does him waving about let you know what's going on? The wind, the air currents going past your ears, enlightening you to the fact that another Fab lolly might be gone.
Where did you get a hat like that anyway? Andy Warhol made it.
Maybe he's the one stealing your lollies.
I don't think it's going to be Andy Warhol, is it? He's gone to the trouble of building me a security hat.
Why would he steal the lollies? Seems like the perfect alibi to me.
ANDY WARHOL HUMS Wait a minute! What's all that red stuff around your mouth? It's blood from a penguin's carcass I was feasting on in the hallway.
Thank God for that! I thought you were the one stealing the lollies.
No! Check this out.
"Smooth enters the hut wearing leopard-skin pants.
" (LAUGHS) Nice pants! Ha! Big cat pants! Ha! Big cat pants! Ha! Big cat pants! Ha! Big cat pants! Ha! Big cat pants! Yeah, maybe go do some Hoovering? Yes.
WESTERN MUSIC CHOPPING CONTINUES I mean, this whole business with the hat is just stupid.
What if I want to get naked sometimes? Why would you get naked? Because I'm spontaneous and free and don't want some hat staring at me.
If you're so spontaneous and free, why would you mind if a hat was looking at you? Because this one might be like some massive 'par-fart' or something.
A what?! A massive 'par-fart'.
Sorry, a what? A 'par-fart'! Not a pervert, is he? He's a security hat just getting on with his own business.
I know, but it's very likely that he will fall in love with me.
I can see already.
Look at the way he's looking at me and what if I fall a little bit in love with him back? What, we get married and Oh, for God's sake, it's all stupid! There's other stuff to worry about than your weird sexual fantasies with a hat! There's still a missing Fab lolly to consider! I bought three, I ate one in the queue! When I came down to my desk freezer this morning, there's only one left! Where's the other one gone?! You had two, you dick! No I didn't! Why would you say that?! The red stuff around your mouth! THAT WAS FELT TIP FROM THE COLOURING-IN COMPETITION! I WON AN AWARD FROM NANNY PORPOISE! WHY WON'T ANYONE BELIEVE ME? (SOBS) HAT WHIRS AROUND (SOBS) Stop going on about it.
The time elapsed between Joyce's Ulysses and Finnegan's Wake is nearly 20 years.
Often, people would say to him, "What's going on?" And he would say, "I had a good day today, I wrote a word.
" Now, for me, that's not really writing.
That's simply putting a word down.
And this kind of stasis, this kind of collapse, this kind of absolute obscurantism really has mired art for the last, I'd say 120 years.
No-one's got anything to really contribute.
And this lack of confidence - it's a crisis, really - is probably, to my mind, caused by Ice Cream Eyes.
How could that have been me? I was watching Time from the secrecy of an umbrella.
I blame Tony Coins.
I'm afraid you've got the wrong cat.
Couldn't have been me.
I was on an enormous spending spree.
If I had to blame someone, it'd have to be Adam Printout.
That dick's always up to no good.
I don't think it was me.
Although I've no real alibi.
I was at home having weak tea and a lemon slice.
If you really pushed me, I'd probably say it was Eugene Secret Note Passed Under The Door.
I got caught with Angel Delight and going on the swings with Darren.
Push me, Darren! Push me faster and faster! Oh, my pockets are wet now.
My pockets are wet right through.
I got my momma's knickers on.
Oh, Eugene Secret Note Passed Under The Door, to think I almost blamed Ice Cream Eyes.
Yeah, motherfucker.
Where's the hat? Hmm? Where's the hat? Oh, he had to go.
You know, his work was done here, so he moved on.
That's what he does, he moves on from town to town.
Bit like The Littlest Hobo.
Oh.
Ah, you like the hat! He had a certain charm, you know? Oh, really? I thought you thought he was a pervert.
No, I was wrong.
But now I'll never know if he was a pervert or not, because he's gone and I won't see him again.
Maybe you will.
Maybe I can make that happen with my little magic typewriter.
Really? Check this out.
"Dolly sits on a large mushroom.
Suddenly, the phone rings.
"Oh, I wonder who that is, she thinks.
" And who is it? Well, it's the hat, isn't it, obviously.
That's what this is about.
Thank you.
PHONE RINGS Ma'am, you are looking mighty fine today, if you don't mind me saying so.
Oh, thank you.
You have such a strong brim.
Would you do me the honour of accompanying me to the rodeo? Oh, I'd love to.
But this is crazy.
I don't even know your name.
They call me Sugar Bone Thompson And I'm going to the rodeo Got a lady on my arm, ooh And I used to live in Hammersmith They call me Sugar Bone Thompson I ain't lying And I used to be a cowboy Still am one Riding on the hilltops Cos I'm a round-hatted son of a bitch I'm a velvet-hatted son of a bitch.
"I'm a round-hatted son of a bitch", yee-ha! Nice.
Tut.
Right, that's it.
I'm going to do both cheeks.
You're in trouble, mate.
Tut, tut, tut Ba-la-da-dum Bom, bom, bom (IMITATES TRUMPET) Ba-la-da-dum Bom, bom, bom Ba-la-da-dum Bom, ba da da dum.
Oh, sorry, are you doing a song? Sorry, I thought you were tutting again.
Didn't realise it was a song.
That's amazing, using tutting in a creative way.
I really like that.
Sorry about earlier.
I was a bit stressed out.
Smooth forgot to get me some biscuits.
That's the only thing on the list.
You guys doing the tutting song, that's amazing.
I think you'll go far.
Good luck with that.
I know a few A&R men.
I might send some your way.
Let me know if you do any live gigs, yeah? All right.
Take care, yeah? I love you.
Tut.
Tut.
What a prick.
Got to go now, it's the end of the show Bye bye now, it's the end of the show Come back next for another show You got to come back for another show Bye bye Baby, bye bye Baby, bye bye