Not Safe for Work (UK) (2015) s01e03 Episode Script

1 When I was managing you, in London, it was all I could do .
.
to move you out here.
Would you fuck Nat? You seem to have been more than a little brusque, Katherine.
Did you know Jeffries is looking to fire people? She asked you to send her a copy of all the material you'll be briefing the Minister with next week.
- Everything you've got is shit, yeah? - Oh, yeah.
So where do we start? Delete everything.
Pretend you lost it all to an IT glitch.
- Let's do that one, then.
- Yeah.
OK.
I think it was yours.
I did the dates and the maths.
- But after she went - She? Probably not the best time to tell you.
I'm gonna hand my notice in.
Then we won't have to do all this ever again.
Hello! Chip? MUSIC: I Heard by Young Fathers Science is eerie when you're still around Killing your body cos they found you out Calling the shots and I'm falling down Morning, Jenny.
Have you got something really mean and horrible and nasty to say to me - to ruin my day for no real reason? - No.
I'm just saying "Morning, Jenny".
I'm You all right, mate? What's the point? I really don't know.
Inside I'm feeling dirty Inside I'm feeling dirty Inside I'm feeling dirty Can I, you know, come in? Er, right, erm - Danny? - Yeah? Who's that? It's, er, a little girl.
Yeah.
I mean, should she be here? Now, that's not massively reassuring.
Jeffries wants to see us now, so - Why? - We've been nominated for OBEs.
- Really? No.
It's probably to do with the files we destroyed to cover up the fact you haven't done any fu.
.
fu flupping work here.
OK, I don't want to know where she came from at all.
Just make sure Jeffries doesn't see her or anything, OK? Got it.
On it.
Will you be all right here on your own for a little bit? What the fuck are you wearing? - Shorts.
- Yeah.
Why? - Bit hot.
- Right.
- So where did you go last night? - Toilet.
Yeah, after that, you silly little fucker.
And who is that? I've, er, I've got Can you make sure no-one sees that she's in here? Please? Yeah? Hi.
Do you know how difficult it was to tell London that we have conspired to lose the entirety of the Immigration Pathway's work for the last 12 months and therefore cancelled our presentation to the Minister? Quite difficult? Yes.
OK.
But it was just a little IT glitch.
- Well, they're sending someone.
- Who? - London.
Here? When? Who? Yes.
Soon.
Je ne sais pas.
Fuck! Yes.
I'm also under quite intense pressure to lose some staff.
But due to your recent drunken indiscretion, Katherine, it's going to be very difficult indeed to remove Jenny without her having significant grounds for harassment in the workplace and therefore -- Q-E-very-much-D -- a rather concrete case for wrongful dismissal.
Particularly galling since the only other clear candidate left - for chopping off and out -- Angela -- isn't.
- How come? Well, I re-checked her appraisal records and she is, in fact, er "Industrious, hard-working and superbly focused - "on task and knowledge management.
" - That is correct.
- Is it? - Now I can't fire you, Katherine, because in many ways -- recent sins aside -- you're simply brilliant.
Oh! Thank you.
So who does that leave? Consider this a warning, then, on a few fronts.
None of which are all quiet.
She's not gonna find a little girl in there, is she? OK.
You all right, mate? You don't, like, need looking after or anything, do ya? No, great.
Thought not.
- We need some policies.
- Why? Because the Immigration Pathway is meant to generate policy, Danny.
We don't have any and London is coming.
How do we do that? Right, just gather everyone that you trust -- not Jeffries -- into here, OK? OK.
Where are you going? I could really do with a hand today.
Someone else who knows what the fuck they're doing.
Well, I don't.
Not since you told me that I could have been you know That's why I'm gonna hand in my notice, so I told you, resigning is stupid.
And I told you I'd rather be stupid than a Than a? I I can't remember what I said after that, cos I was quite angry, but whatever it was is what I said and nothing's changed.
- If you could just - The answer's no, Katherine, OK? - OK.
It's just sometimes you need to ask a question, even though you know what the answer will be.
You know? Right.
Well, we really need to, erm just Oh.
What are you doing? Taking minutes, innit? - Er, yeah, we're not gonna do that today.
- Why not? That is her, like, job.
Well, I'd like this to be just off the record.
Well, I don't fucking need to be here, then, do I? Well, maybe you do.
You know, maybe if you can contribute some ideas on, well, immigration? I'm a PA, not an ideas twat.
Yeah? Oh! Don't worry, don't worry.
I'll get it.
Oh, I'm looking for Danyak.
- That way.
- Thank you.
Oh! It's all fucking go here today, innit? Er, yes.
I suppose it is.
You're not Danyak? No.
And, er, are you management? I'm Anthony.
No I mean, you have your own office? Oh, yeah, I just I can't really work in crowded spaces.
Yeah.
I wonder why.
Oh, no, no, it's a focus thing.
I don't normally This usually just stays there on the desk.
Well, do you maybe want to put it back there, Anthony? It looks heavy.
- So where do I find Danyak, then? - Depends.
On what? The weather? No.
He can be a bit, er wayward.
- In what way? - Most of them.
I'm Martine, by the way.
I don't suppose you can point me in the direction of a functioning kettle, could you? So any policy ideas? Jenny? No? Not a single idea or thought? I think she might do.
It's just that she's not talking to you at the minute, Katherine.
So I don't know how many more times I can say sorry for what I said to you the other night.
- A million? - That's not really possible.
Maybe you aren't really sorry, then.
Should I, like, ask her the question for you? No! Look, Jenny, this isn't really about me.
Is it? - No, this is about trying to do our jobs properly.
- OK.
Well, I did actually do a bit of work on inter-faith playgrounds.
Right.
What are those? Erm playgrounds.
You build them.
And then people from, like, different faiths use them.
How's that different to just a normal playground? Well, you put a different sign up.
Erm And then you could, like, help everyone integrate, because you'd have a list of everyone in the country and what their ethnicity is.
Sort of like a register, but for racial And then you can use that to bring people together.
Or, you know, keep them apart if they don't like each other.
- A register? - Mmm.
- Isn't that a bit German? Oh, the Germans do it already, do they? No, they already did it.
And how how did that go? Pretty badly.
Oh, that's a shame.
Yeah.
Yeah, it is.
Have we worked together before? It's just you look a bit familiar.
No, I don't think so.
What's your surname? Might help.
McCutcheon.
- What is it really? - McCutcheon.
You're called Martine McCutcheon? - It's my married name, yeah.
- Oh.
Could have been worse.
Could have been called, er No, I literally can't think of anything worse.
Good policy cuts across key issues.
All right? So, whenever I've looked at this area in the past, it's usually about social housing, hmm? And schools, because these are the two places where most immigrants come into that we have some kind of concrete influence over.
So we can stop people ghetto-ising.
You know? Being cut off from each other.
- There are other areas we can look at as well.
Do you mind? - No.
- She find you, then? - Who? - Suity cunt.
- Who? - She's all elbows and - Has someone just turned up? - That's what I'm saying.
And who is it? Dunno.
I'm not fucking Derren, am I? Well, is she down from UP from London? Probably, yeah.
Looked like it.
So what do you want me to do with this little girl, then? Look, maybe you should just go and take that little girl back to wherever it was you got her from, OK? Though I'm not actually sure I entirely, like, remember that.
Well, maybe you should have a little fucking think, Danny, OK? So what's it like up here? Organised chaos, I hear.
Well, I'm about to hand in my notice, so Yeah.
That bad? Are you here to check up on us? I mean, you're not important or any? Are you? Well, yeah.
I work for the Minister.
I'm one of his special advisors.
So, yeah.
Guilty, Your Honour.
Shit.
I better shut my fucking mouth, then.
Oh, no, no.
Open wide.
I think she's tired.
Can you, like, get up now, yeah? Is that OK? - Give her a kick.
- No! Slap, maybe? Just shut up, all right? All right.
What's your plan now, then, Gandhi? Cos he's peaceful, not cos of Work experience.
Do you think they're, like, coming back? Dunno.
Well, we'll see, won't we? I think it's that way, maybe? Fucking drive there, then.
Nice to meet you, Anthony.
Yeah, I think we may have a, er - Good grief! - .
.
problem.
- Don't have your own office, then? - No.
You want to mix it up out here with the masses? Che Guejeffries? Very you.
Well, the Minister -- Steven -- not happy at all.
No, I know.
Yeah, I did hear.
Cancelling his presentation.
Losing all that work.
He can smell bad headlines.
And immigration is a very warm spud.
Hot potato.
Oh, yes, well, erm Both matters were deeply unfortunate.
- I think you make your own luck.
- Where are you going? Well, this is Danny's office, isn't it? Yes, but he's not around at the moment.
He's, er Maybe I should just brief you on where we're at at the moment No, you can wait.
And I'm up to speed, thank you.
Young Anthony told me a huge amount.
All the comings and goings.
Fascinating.
Is she a big deal, then? She has the Minister's ear eyes most other parts too.
Well, go on, then.
Thank you for looking after her today.
I'm sorry, I didn't hear you knock.
Well, this isn't your office, so I didn't.
Told you, I'll deal with you later.
Look, implementing change has never been your strong point, has it? I mean, you were explicitly told to let people go here, which you haven't.
Yes, there have been some complications with firing weaker-performing staff.
Well, it's your job to navigate those complications.
Simplify them or push on through.
If you can't, what's the point of you, Jeffries? Are you letting personal animosity towards me here interfere with? No, no, no.
I'm just being honest.
You should call your brother at some point.
He does miss you.
I very much doubt that.
Are you smoking again? No.
So what? Just cos you wanna leave, you're gonna sell us all out? - What are you talking about? - Briefing the Minister's bit.
- Bit? - So? What did you tell her? - Martine? - Mm-hm.
- Not much.
We just had a coffee.
- Why? Because that's what people do with their mouths, Katherine, in society.
Yeah, and what do you want to do with her mouth? - Are you ten? - No, I'm twenty-fucking-nine! Fuck me! Are you are you jealous? No! No.
No, no, no, no, no! This is about you, OK? Not helping us when we are It's about you wanting to control everyone and make them do the Whatever Katherine Wants Dance.
That is not a real dance.
I have a coffee with someone, you go mental.
You were you were gonna have my fucking kid, and you ignored me.
I had her! She just didn't have a heartbeat.
- That's all.
- She was definitely yours? Wow! Yeah.
I didn't tell you about it properly at the time, but I had to go through that, OK, and you haven't even nearly acknowledged what happened to me, have you? OK, then.
Quit.
Fuck off.
Depart.
Please, Anthony, just leave! Do the fucking Katherine Dance! Angela's upset about something.
Do you want a coffee? So, if she asks you anything specific about policy, just look towards me and I'll chip in, because remember -- you don't know anything.
You want me to pretend I don't know anything? - No.
You actually don't.
- That's easier.
In a way, yeah.
But as I said, just let me do the talking.
Just nod a lot.
And smile.
That helps.
Usually.
I can I can do that.
Brilliant.
And whenever you even vaguely think about saying something, just shut the fuck up, OK? Yeah.
- Maybe something came up.
- Mmm.
Do you want some ice, maybe? Ah! Wonderful to meet you at last.
I've heard a lot about you.
And how exactly do you pronounce your name? There seems to be some sort of confusion about that.
Danyak something, is it? Or just Danny? Just call me Danny, yeah.
You sure? - And you are? - Katherine.
Oh, yes.
Heard all about you.
Maybe it's better if I speak to Danny alone, yes? It's just we've been working very closely since I arrived.
Yeah, I'd be more comfortable if Katherine stayed.
OK.
And is there a reason for the, erm the face? - Yes.
- What? Violence.
Moving on Tell me about the Immigration Pathway's little IT glitch.
Well, what to say? We lost everything.
And now we are pulling it back together, slowly but surely.
Just that I've heard rumours that what you lost maybe wasn't of the highest quality or particularly coherent.
That's not true.
Who told you that? OK.
So please can you describe to me any of the policy initiatives that were so sadly lost and were of such high quality, then? Er, well, we've got a few projects that we are still knocking around.
Some inter-faith projects and, er, a mapping project.
Can Danny explain it to me, please? If you would.
Thank you.
- Well, I am happy to - I know.
It just seems to me that it's Danny's team and it has been for over a year now.
You're just a newcomer.
As such, it would be nice to hear his voice on the matter.
- Yes? Or am I going mad? - Well So Danny? What was lost, to your knowledge? Fucking loads.
Well, um, yes.
Just tell me one policy area to start off with that you understand fully.
OK? Childcare.
Go on.
Well, say if you're a little girl here on an estate, and your nan is back in Nigeria, in Argos.
Lagos.
Yeah.
And your nan is a bit old but still fit.
Physically, mentally, not sexually.
No, no, no.
So she could, like, come over and help with all the childcare and your mum could go out and get a full-time job or whatever and maybe even have the odd, like, guilt-free night out or whatever, but instead she -- your mum -- has to work, like, little shitty part-time shifts whenever she can.
You know, when people can look after you for the odd hour.
Then your mum could get off working benefit stuff as well.
Let me stop you please.
- Please.
- Yeah, please.
Are you suggesting some sort of amnesty for visas for elderly non-EU relatives, who can come over and help with childcare arrangements and so forth and get people from firstand second-generation immigrant families off benefits, by freeing them up to find full-time employment? - Am I? - Yes.
- Yes.
OK.
OK, yeah, that could actually have some legs.
If we could manage the political messaging, obviously.
Well, I could do that.
Definitely.
Fuck it, you know? Yeah.
And have you run the numbers on it? Costed it and everything? - Er - Course.
Like a glove.
- Yeah.
So this is actually the sort of thing you could come and brief the Minister on, isn't it? - No, not just now.
- Don't see why not.
- OK, yeah, sure.
- Let's do it.
- Absolutely.
Great.
Great.
Would you rather have no hair, or no teeth? No hair.
You'd be all gummy.
Yeah.
And you'd have no teeth.
Oh! - Ah, there you are.
- Ooh, Jeffries, I was thinking that maybe we could watch a film tonight.
Any kind of horror or murder film.
What's wrong? Have you got plans? No.
It's just things need to be simplified around here, I think.
What do you mean? Nathaniel, er, would you just give us a moment? Er, yeah.
What needs to be simplified? You, Jenny.
You.
Where the fuck did all that come from? - Was that all right? - It was, actually, yeah.
Yeah.
I know.
Fuck! - I think I'm still drunk.
- Well, keep it to yourself, OK? - OK.
Are you decent? Shame.
I've just been on the phone to the Minister and he wants me to come back to Northampton next week for a few days to smooth things over before Danny and some of you lot - come down to brief him.
- Oh, OK? Wow! So it went well, then? Yeah.
You were right about him.
Rough around the edges.
But but there's something to him.
Maybe, yeah.
Sort of.
And next week, when I'm back in town, do you, erm do you fancy dinner one night, if you're free and you're still here? Er, all right, yeah.
- I don't want to force you.
- You're not.
No, no, no.
It sounds good.
Be nice to get out of the flat with a human woman.
- Wow, what a compliment.
- Sorry.
So why do you want to leave? You never gave any decent sort of reason.
Well, you know, make a fresh start somewhere, take control a bit.
- But you've only been here a few months.
- Yeah, but, erm What, so you've got something else lined up? Cushy private sector gig, or? No.
No, nothing.
So you're taking control by running away from a fresh start in order to pursue nothing.
Yeah.
Yeah, that makes complete sense.
Is that Anthony logic? Yeah, it might be.
Yeah.
- Hello? - Hi.
Why are you? Can you just be quiet and, erm, not say anything for, like, two minutes, as a favour to me, please? - Katherine? - Yeah.
Right, you're doing it.
Thank you.
Since I was about 16, I've wanted a house and a garden and a family.
I dreamed about it.
Which is pretty rubbish when you compare it to what most people dream about.
I must be an idiot.
Maybe, dunno.
But I've sort of, erm stopped even dreaming about it recently in the last few years.
House? Not a chance.
Garden? Don't even Wife? So the idea that I'd nearly had a family, it's like Fuck, I nearly had my dream.
You know? And I was angry about that.
That I'd lost something I never thought I'd have.
And you didn't even tell me.
Not even So I didn't even really think about you and what you went through, which is shit.
So, yeah, anyway, erm, I think I'm gonna maybe stay here a bit longer.
I know that we can never be together.
We sort of erode each other, like sodium and water.
Being married to you would be fucking torture! Yeah, all right! Yeah, so anyway, er All I'm saying is let's be work colleagues and be civil to each other, whatever.
And I'll try and find a .
.
new dream.
Yeah.
OK.
Yeah.
- Katherine? - Yeah? - How do you spell Layglows? Lagos.
Are you trying to write something up already? - Yeah.
- OK.
Good.
Do you want a hand? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- OK.
This is what I wrote and This week you've been diligent.
Focused.
Not high on ketamine.
The one thing that you've got to remember is all men are stupid, lying fucking shithouses.
What is it with you and married women? Does Nathaniel want a banana cream cake from Jenny's big box? Blepharospasm.
- What causes it? - It's usually the result of a number of factors.
Poor girl.
What are you setting her up for?