Nuclear Family (2021) s01e03 Episode Script
Episode 3
Hello, Ry.
I'm making a movie for you.
I figured that,
now that everything is over in the case
and it looks like
I'm not gonna be seeing you,
this may be my only chance to tell
you a little bit about who I am,
where I live,
what happened between us.
And most of all,
how much I love you.
So, here's a movie for you, Ry.
NUCLEAR FAMILY
Episode 3
A one-and-a-half by Tom Steel.
- My forehead.
- He didn't know if he could still do it.
It was some time in 1986.
That's when Tom first was diagnosed.
To look across the table and have
a close friend say that, at the time
was just horrible.
Just absolutely devastating.
And we just cried.
He came to visit us on Long Island.
He'd been diagnosed, had gone
through a battery of testing,
and was then starting AZT,
which was a very strong drug,
with horrible side effects.
He was very vulnerable.
I understand it, you know, he was
- A mess.
- An emotional mess. Just terrified.
I don't remember when I found out
he was HIV positive.
I think I was around five.
I do remember being curious
about what HIV and AIDS was.
But I don't think I connected
the disease to death.
He was so healthy.
I mean, back then,
it was like a death sentence.
That's how everyone looked at it.
Such a large number of individuals
on both coasts were getting it.
It became clear, this is a new disease
in the United States.
The mortality rate is astronomical
and we have no cure.
San Francisco has more cases of AIDS
per capita than any other city.
We were living in a crazy worldwhere
all around us, people were visibly sick.
You could see men who were
in the prime of their lives
got a sunken look in their cheeks.
These were young, healthy men.
I had a whole address book
that was full of scratch-outs.
The AIDS virus has claimed
over 24 000 lives,
the majority homosexual men.
It was killing us, left and right,
and we were full of rage at the lack
of response by the government.
I HAVE AIDS
And we were out in the streets,
forming ACT UP
and screaming for them
to do something about it.
And what we got
was complete disregard.
AIDS KILLS
QUARANTINE THE QUEERS
So it wasn't something that Tom
was going to wear like a badge,
it was a chink in his armor,
it was his Achilles heel,
and he'd constructed a persona
that showed no weakness.
It was a complete secret,
Just your mothers and us knew.
He had such an identity as a lawyer
and he enjoyed it so much,
he really wanted to protect that.
When people heard
you had the disease,
it wasn't just that they wouldn't
want you to be their lawyer.
It was that they counted you out.
They saw you as walking wounded
that you didn't have a future.
He just tried to put it in a box
and not pay any attention to it.
And he was very pragmatic.
"I am going to be healthy
for as long as I can."
Not, "I'm gonna beat this,"
'cause I don't think he thought he was.
He didn't live in a fantasy world.
The judge knew Tom was HIV positive.
But it didn't factor in to the case.
His only mention of it
was a footnote in his decision,
where he wonders if Tom's illness
was his motivation to sue.
"Thomas S. tested HIV positive
in 1987."
"Perhaps because knows his years
are limited,"
"he wishes at this time to redefine
his role in Ry's life."
He wanted a relationship with you,
more than anything,
that didn't have anything to do
with his diagnosis.
Right.
Maybe he got more determined
because he knew he had limited time.
So he wanted it to happen
and he wanted it to be over with.
He wanted to see you and have some
relationship with you before he died.
In spite of the judge's ruling,
the attorney for the donor insists:
"My client had an extensive parental
relationship encouraged by the women."
"These included visits
of many days at a time."
This battle is not over, Steel's attorney
says he plans to appeal the decision.
When there's an appeal,
both sides file their briefs,
and then they put it on for oral
argument.
You have, you know, 15 minutes,
20 minutes to argue
why you think
your position is correct.
DONOR DAD SEEKS RIGHT TO VISI
Tom argued the case himself.
A lawyer's not supposed
to represent themselves.
We told him, "Get someone else".
No way. He was gonna do this.
Why?
Why did he wanna do it?
Because he thought he could win.
- He thought if he did it, he'd win?
- He was the best lawyer.
Tom went first and said Judge
Kaufmann's decision was wrong.
He said
he was your biological father,
and therefore the family court
had no authority to do anything
but to declare him the father.
And once he's declared the father,
he has certain rights.
At one point one of the judges said,
"Mr. Steel,"
"what is it that you want?"
And he, said, "I just want to have
a relationship with my daughter"
"where I can share with her my life."
And she looked at him and said
"But you had that."
"And then you sued."
At the court after the argument,
we were out in the lobby,
and I remember we were feeling
really good.
We were very hopeful,
like "that went well".
And there's a press photo of me
with Peter, and we're like beaming.
I remember that summer, 1994,
waiting anxiously for a decision
we thought could come any day,
but it took forever. I believe
it didn't come 'til November.
And then, when it came,
we were heartbroken.
The Appellate Division took
the simplistic view of the family.
And they determined that in fact
Justice Kauffman was wrong,
that Mr. Steel had the rights
of a father.
Wasn't about you anymore,
it was now about him.
We went back
to the patriarchal system
where he was the father,
and Robin was the mother.
Russo was out in the cold, that's what
the Appellate Division decided.
The Appellate Court framed
the issue as
whether you could terminate
the rights of a biological father.
They said Tom was a father
from the moment you were born,
with his sperm.
That was an existential threat
to all lesbians
who wanted to raise children,
to all women who wanted
to raise children without men,
and it made me furious.
They decided we were the evil
people in this scenario,
that we were keeping this wonderful,
generous man
from exercising his rights
to his daughter.
And that we were homophobic
You know, to suggest a gay man
can't be a parent.
And basically that you'd grow up
hating us as a result. It was warped.
I think having stepped out of
the client role, in to the lawyer role
was a very difficult thing for Tom,
and a very big misstep.
He won though.
When he finally represented himself,
that's when he won.
It may have been successful
in the outcome,
but did it get him to the place
where he wanted to be?
Did it get you where you wanted?
I don't think so.
The Appellate Division was saying
there has to be an order of filiation,
and he can start asking immediately
for contact and other such things,
and that's what he did.
We're like, "What do we do?"
There was no waiting
for the next appeal,
it was going back to court now
to arrange visitation.
Harriet said, "Let's try to get
a stay pending appeal."
A stay means
a stopping of an order.
We do not want you
to have to go visit him,
and your moms could've been jailed
for not producing you.
So Bonnie and I got on the train.
We needed to get the court
of appeals in Albany
to stop the Appellate Division
from this horrific decision.
We got up to the Court of Appeals,
and we met the clerk of the court.
He looked over the papers,
and he looked at the two of us,
and he said, "Your chances
to get a stay are slim to none."
"There is a judge here.
Someone will be with you soon."
We sat in the library for hours.
This woman comes down, and says
"Come up. The judge wants to see you."
So, we go upstairs,
and he was sitting there.
And we talked a little bit,
and all of a sudden,
he handed us a stay.
It's signed.
The family court is stayed
from entering an order of filiation.
And we couldn't believe it.
We were happy because you didn't
have to go visit with Mr. Steel.
Not immediately.
The decision was stayed
pending an appeal,
so the Court of Appeals
was going to hear it next.
I never dreamed that it would be
fought against so hard,
or that it would take
so much time and energy
to pursue the lawsuit.
And at that point
At this point,
because this is where we're at,
I felt that because of my health,
which is rapidly declining,
that if I had to wait two more years
to rebuild a relationship with you,
I might not make it.
- He wants that.
- That's what I want, Procrin.
- The doctor said Epogen, so.
- Either one's fine.
I think he felt worn down,
and I think he was wearing down.
I think he was starting
to feel not well.
So it was a very difficult
and dark time.
I think Tom found in you
something he lost in himself.
When you were together,
he just seemed so alive,
in a way that I, as his close friend,
had never seen before.
And I think it was hard
for him to let go,
because you were intertwined
with his sense of who he was.
Here is a picture. Stinson Beach.
I think in the end, Tom lost more
than he could've ever imagined.
So I decided, with a lot of thought
and through a lot of pain,
to drop the whole case.
He withdrew.
I was hoping,
is he withdrawing for Ry?
Maybe he doesn't wanna
put her through any more.
But then, I don't remember
which lawyer it was,
but a lawyer told me, "No, he likes
the law, and the book says it is."
An opinion from the Appellate
Division of the New York Courts
says that I'm your father, that
I had a warm relationship with you,
and that I should have
some visitation.
On paper he won,
it was important to him to win,
he was gonna stay in this battle
until he won.
And he won - but we won.
And that was the end of the war.
The relief was so deep
that it took a while to sink in.
- You guys were so sweet.
- And you were so strong.
It took its toll on both of you
in different ways.
It's never gonna be over,
I'll never say, "What trial".
It's always gonna be there
as this landmark in my life
that had an effect on me
that's forever gonna be with me.
It was something that a kid
shouldn't have to go through.
You were super fragile
and depressed, just fragile.
And you were just receding.
You were losing weight.
You were taking drugs.
We were trying to control that,
we weren't sure how to do that.
We knew you were going out to bars
and dancing on tables,
when you were underage,
and being kind of a wild child.
It took years to relax.
And to
To feel safe.
- Hey.
- What are you doing, you freak?
Oh my god, there you are,
go, I got you, baby.
I wasn't thinking about Tom,
I wasn't feeling things
about the lawsuit.
I was pretty focused
on not feeling anything.
Ry? Stop.
- Stop what?
- Filming.
Is this it?
In high school I got a high-8 camera.
That's when I started
making little movies.
One, two, hi!
It was a great tool to be able
to document my life
and the life of those around me.
- And this is our tree.
- Santa, will see it.
I remember being invigorated by it.
Here we are,
doing the sister thing.
I was interested in filmmaking,
in press and media
and all that stuff.
Welcome to the television
ho show of NYCBKB.
I wanted to participate in it.
We were sued by the sperm donor
when Ry was nine years old.
- You were dragged in to court?
- Yeah.
I was just a kid
who knew what I loved,
and then this guy who was a friend
who helped make me,
whatever that is, I'm nine
all of a sudden he was telling me
he wants me to go visit alone.
- It was scary.
- This went on for four years.
For a while, it was a topic
of interest for the press.
I think we felt
it was important to do.
People would say to us
"He just wants visitation."
He was suing for paternity.
To whatever extent we could
correct the record, we did.
Whether it was a Time magazine,
or a New York Times article later.
Guys, come on, we have to leave
in an hour.
When my family talks
about our lives and the case,
it's very easy for us to go
on automatic pilot.
Because for the case, we had to seem
like an ideal family, we were perfect.
Part of being perfect, and
being "normal" was being straight.
But if we accept it,
more people will accept it
and think it's okay
when it's really not.
Then someone else is growing up,
would say, "Oh, I'll be gay too".
It was the reason gay people
shouldn't have children.
Because they were going to raise
their children to be gay.
Being in the first wave of kids
with gay parents,
I did feel pressure to be perfect
and normal and straight.
Cade seemed obsessed
with heterosexuality.
I mean,
just being a straight woman.
Teen magazine kinda thing.
Very into boys.
- All right. Unprotected sex?
- No.
- Have you ever had anal sex?
- No!
- Have you been with a female?
- Yes.
- Second base.
- With a female, second base?
Second base.
I'd spent many years trying
to be straight and popular,
and finally I just stopped.
And I came out.
I had such self-confidence,
it was like I became self-actualized.
I think most people assume
they're straight when they grow up.
But I just assumed I was gay
like my moms.
I think I heard them once say
I was probably a lesbian,
and so I internalized that
and just assumed I was a lesbian.
You were the tough one.
You were a bulldog.
Shut it off.
- So we thought, "Okay, you're gay"
- You're probably a lesbian.
I remember I had my first boyfriend.
I was with him, it was very nice
and happy. I hadn't had sex yet.
And a part of me needed permission
from my moms
to go be a part of the straight world,
because it felt like
by being straight,
in a way I was gonna lose them.
You kept talking about it
and sharing about it.
Mom was like, "Just do it already."
Russo said to me, "Go have sex
with him. Quit whining about it."
And I was like okay.
Realizing I liked men and was straight
a revolution of identity for me.
And there was a freedom in knowing
I could be different from my moms
and still stay close to them.
After the lawsuit,
I had no contact with Tom,
until I was 16.
I was at a drama program,
away from my moms,
and then Russo called me.
And she said Tom is dying of AIDS,
and do I want to talk to him
before he died?
Tom was in Mill Valley at his house,
in a hospital bed.
Everyone knew
he didn't have very long to live.
I believe he asked Emily, his lawyer,
to reach out to see if he could
have a phone call with you.
And the answer came back, "Yes."
Tom was laying in bed.
I remember that you called,
and someone handed Tom
the phone.
I remember hearing your voice.
You weren't on speakerphone,
but I could hear your voice,
and I don't know how to characterize
what you said, but you were angry.
Can you try?
My recollection is
you were extremely upset,
and I feel like,
you cursed at him maybe.
He was a little bit
like a broken record,
"I loved you, everything I did
was because I loved you"
"I never meant to hurt you."
And
I said, "I can't"
"I can't forgive you because
just because you're dying."
And that was it.
I was really hardened
by that point.
I was
I felt nothing for him.
All Tom wanted
was for you to call.
When he hung up,
he was smiling.
It didn't matter what you said.
What mattered is
that he could hear your voice,
and that he could tell you
he loved you before he died.
And then a few days later,
he woke up in the morning,
and he looked and said
they had to go to the hospital.
And Tom saw the sun coming up,
and he said he was happy.
We stayed with him all day
in the hospital, and then he died.
After Tom died,
I got a box in the mail.
Inside were home videos
of us together.
And there was also another tape,
made for me.
Hello, Ry.
I'm making a movie for you.
I figured that,
now that everything is over in the case
and it looks like
I'm not gonna be seeing you,
this may be my only chance to tell
you a little bit about who I am,
where I live,
what happened between us.
And most of all,
how much I love you.
So, here's a movie for you, Ry.
I watched about a minute of it.
And then put all the tapes away
in the closet.
I wasn't ready to look at them.
Little Red had only thought of these
little matters as much as she ought,
in the trap of a wolf
she'd never been caught
In college, I made an art piece
called "The Middle Ground"
that used the lens the fairy tale
"Little Red Riding Hood",
to tell the story of my sperm donor,
my moms, and the lawsuit.
The little lesbian family lived happily
in a loft in New York City, until
The wolf is gonna get me.
The wolf is gonna get me.
Tom was the wolf,
I was Little Red Riding Hood,
and my moms and sister were
also Little Red Riding Hoods.
I think playing these roles
made things very clear.
It was any blurriness
that was hard to wrestle with.
For years,
the tapes were in the closet.
During that time, I tried to move on
and make movies about experiences
outside my own.
People who came of age
in different ways.
In some way, I wanted nothing
to do with my own story.
I didn't want to define myself
by the lawsuit.
Cut!
But every few years,
I'd return to this story.
And I was troubled by it.
Because in attempting to tackle it,
I discovered I didn't understand
my own feelings.
So I pulled the tapes
back out of the closet.
And watched them all.
I'm sitting in the living room
of my house in Mill Valley,
by myself with the camera
on a tripod to talk to you.
I know you've had all sorts
of feelings about the lawsuit.
But, I've never been able to talk
to you about the lawsuit.
I've learned in life is there's always
two sides to any story.
There's always two people's
perspectives on any situation.
Maybe you've only heard one,
maybe you didn't think this through
from my perspective.
I'm not asking you to get in
to who's right and who's wrong.
I don't know if it would help you
to try to solve that.
But think of yourself, Ry, as a girl,
or maybe a woman
when you're reading this,
who was loved a lot
by many different people.
Yeah.
I was finally ready to hear
what he had to say.
But it was too late
to have a conversation.
THOMAS HAUSS.
MAY 7, 1950 - JULY 18, 1991.
After all this time, I'd never been able
to truly understand my feelings.
And I realized that
in order to do that,
I needed to not just watch the tapes,
but to hear from people
who knew and loved him.
I decided to make a documentary
because I wanted to understand
the other side of the story.
That's why we're here today
and that's why I'm talking to you.
I wanted to know your perspective,
Milton's perspective, Tom's.
What do you remember
about seeing Tom and I together?
I remember, total warmth,
total joy.
I remember Tom chasing you around,
playing some game, and you giggling.
Are you getting the skipping?
A little girl with this man she loved,
and he loved her.
I remember how meaningful it was
when he'd receive a letter from you.
It was wonderful, this joy.
One question for you is
why are you here talking to me?
That's a long answer.
I feel like Tom doesn't have anybody
to present his side of it.
Milton has Alzheimer's.
But I feel like if Tom were here,
and he knew you were making
the movie, with me or without me,
I think Tom would say, "Go tell her.
Go tell her how I felt."
What do your mothers think
of this project?
In general they're supportive.
But like anybody,
I think they're afraid of how
they're gonna be portrayed,
and of rewriting history.
But it's clear to me
that I don't think you are lying
or that Russo and Robin are lying,
but I think you have very different
understandings of what went on.
And that that is
Why are you shaking your head?
What happened is that they purposely
described Tom and your relationship
in a way that was utterly false.
They said he wasn't anything special.
And Ry never saw him that way,
and neither did we.
That's what happened in that trial.
And I think that's what happened
in your home.
I had a question
about Ry's biological father.
I don't understand the relationship.
I'd met him once or twice before,
as a person who helped make me.
They had to turn reality into
"He was nobody special to Ry,
just one of many family friends."
I think they felt like he changed,
by suing.
This is what you gotta get.
The truth would have been
to say to you,
"We loved him,"
"you loved him,
he was important to you,"
"then he dropped a nuclear bomb
on our heads and now we hate him."
But you can't say that in court.
But they didn't say that to you
either, I'm guessing, I wasn't there.
That would've been the truth,
and that would've been
"How could I argue with that?
That's their decision, their right."
But that is not what they said.
They erased reality.
They started changing it
when they were talking to me.
Only I was a grown-up who knew
what actually happened.
I know what happened
and what existed between everyone.
The fact that it's been
so misdescribed
It's a disservice to you.
"Then he dropped a nuclear bomb
on our heads, and now we hate him."
- But you can't say that in court.
- They didn't say that to you either.
I'm guessing, I wasn't there.
They erased reality.
Do you feel like
we rewrote history for you?
I don't know.
Maybe.
I don't think any of us had
the emotional maturity
to talk about what happened
before the lawsuit.
In terms of how I remember it,
it was
"He's threatening our family,
he betrayed us, we're terrified."
And even now when I acknowledge
I had a warm relationship with him,
it feels very scary and fraud
to acknowledge that,
and I think it did take me long
to even acknowledge that.
I think your fear
of the threat that he had
dominated everything.
If you could accept the notion
that we didn't cut him off,
if you could accept that,
it might be helpful.
Okay.
But when I look at the period
from 1989 to 1991,
I see letters from Tom and Milton
clearly trying to reconcile
and get along,
and nothing from you guys.
We were talking
on the phone with them,
and begged Tom to talk with us
and work it out.
I think we didn't want to put a lot
in writing, we were terrified.
Days before the lawsuit,
we were saying,
"Tom, come to New York,
let's talk and try to work it out,"
'cause he hadn't been talking to us.
Their narrative is
"we cut them off
- So he had no choice.
- So he had no choice.
Then they laid down the gauntlet,
"Okay, I want Ry."
What parent would do that?
My thing, mom, is just that,
when I look back on my relationship
with him, it was very warm,
I think I did love him,
not as my parent, in a different way.
And I think that if I was asked,
without the context of it
being a threat to our family,
"Do mind going and seeing him
alone in California,"
I don't know
if I would've minded that much.
So I wonder is it really
what was best for you, or for me?
You.
And for all of us.
It was for all of us,
but it was definitely for you, Ry.
I understand for you,
I understand for Cade
Nope, you're drinking the Kool-Aid.
I'm sorry to break your heart.
You can't be taken out
of the family
and go back and forth
and have that be good for you
with someone who is actually
not your family.
It wasn't that big a deal
in your life, he just wasn't.
I understand that, but clearly
he was a big deal in my life,
'cause here we are 30 years later
talking about it.
He made himself a big deal.
A lot of it is because of the lawsuit.
That's why I'm asking
what would've been worth.
The four years of the lawsuit,
or the six years he had left to live?
It wasn't an option.
- For us, it wasn't.
- Right.
He can't just hate us and say,
"Okay, now I want Ry."
Honestly,
I wouldn't have trusted to send you
to him for a week.
He wasn't parental, I wouldn't have
trusted he would've cared for you
in the way I want you cared for.
Is he gonna watch you in the water
the way we do?
He just wasn't a parent in that way.
So we thought it would be bad
for you, very bad for you.
And bad for our family.
It wouldn't be our family anymore.
It just wouldn't be the family
we wanted, we planned.
- And that we had.
- We struggled for, that we loved.
That's the family we wanted.
And that existed, for now,
how many years, nine years?
And he wanted to change it
because he wanted.
- I understand
- Well, fuck him.
Okay.
But when I think about
From my perspective.
You're stuck in a hard spot,
I'm not stuck in the spot you're at.
I just hate him.
But you're stuck in a harder spot.
- Definitely.
- Because as a kid, you adored him.
And as a kid, he betrayed you.
And us.
So you're like
Your emotional extremes are hard.
Yeah.
And I love you for loving him,
for recognizing that side of you.
And not be afraid of us
and our reaction.
I think you thought
we didn't know
that your position
is different than ours.
That your childhood love
didn't matter
or wasn't important enough.
I think it's a mistake that we didn't
circle back around to that
and talk about it
when you were younger.
We saved every piece of material
from the lawsuit.
All the pleadings, all the testimony,
all the exhibits, all the press
For both you and Cade.
We wanted you to know
the whole story,
as best as we could preserve it
for you.
What you're doing now is what
we wanted, as shitty as it is.
- Talk everything to death, yeah.
- Yeah.
And for you to be honest
about how you felt.
Okay, just drive.
- Dada?
- Yeah. Very exciting.
Contractions have slowed down,
but
But they're very intense.
What floor?
Oh god!
Here he is, come on up.
He looks handsome.
Sounds like a chicken.
- He's beautiful.
- Thank you.
Hi!
- It's so your hands don't get cold.
- That's right.
And she had a muff
and a matching hat made of fur.
I've been trying to tell this story
for most of my life.
But it never really felt like my own.
In the videos I made with Tom,
the stories were simple:
good and evil, right and wrong.
Won't it be wonderful?
But I've come to see this story
as more complicated.
And I choose to focus
on the love I felt for Tom,
not the pain.
I think what Tom gave me is a deep
appreciation of my family.
Having to confront its fragility
made it more precious.
I didn't think lesbians
would have children.
I thought that it was a lonely life
that you would lead.
I, Sandy, take thee, Robin.
We now pronounce you
wedded spouses.
Ry Russo-Young hopes
that sooner or later,
same sex marriage will become
a fact of life.
We are still a house on stilts.
But more rooted now.
More anchors than before.
As time moves forward,
my moms are getting older.
I want them to know I appreciate
that they taught me to love.
To forgive.
To relish every moment together.
And I hope my own family is one
where every moment together
is as deeply felt.
In all its sadness
and its unbelievable joy.
I'm making a movie for you.
I figured that,
now that everything is over in the case
and it looks like
I'm not gonna be seeing you,
this may be my only chance to tell
you a little bit about who I am,
where I live,
what happened between us.
And most of all,
how much I love you.
So, here's a movie for you, Ry.
NUCLEAR FAMILY
Episode 3
A one-and-a-half by Tom Steel.
- My forehead.
- He didn't know if he could still do it.
It was some time in 1986.
That's when Tom first was diagnosed.
To look across the table and have
a close friend say that, at the time
was just horrible.
Just absolutely devastating.
And we just cried.
He came to visit us on Long Island.
He'd been diagnosed, had gone
through a battery of testing,
and was then starting AZT,
which was a very strong drug,
with horrible side effects.
He was very vulnerable.
I understand it, you know, he was
- A mess.
- An emotional mess. Just terrified.
I don't remember when I found out
he was HIV positive.
I think I was around five.
I do remember being curious
about what HIV and AIDS was.
But I don't think I connected
the disease to death.
He was so healthy.
I mean, back then,
it was like a death sentence.
That's how everyone looked at it.
Such a large number of individuals
on both coasts were getting it.
It became clear, this is a new disease
in the United States.
The mortality rate is astronomical
and we have no cure.
San Francisco has more cases of AIDS
per capita than any other city.
We were living in a crazy worldwhere
all around us, people were visibly sick.
You could see men who were
in the prime of their lives
got a sunken look in their cheeks.
These were young, healthy men.
I had a whole address book
that was full of scratch-outs.
The AIDS virus has claimed
over 24 000 lives,
the majority homosexual men.
It was killing us, left and right,
and we were full of rage at the lack
of response by the government.
I HAVE AIDS
And we were out in the streets,
forming ACT UP
and screaming for them
to do something about it.
And what we got
was complete disregard.
AIDS KILLS
QUARANTINE THE QUEERS
So it wasn't something that Tom
was going to wear like a badge,
it was a chink in his armor,
it was his Achilles heel,
and he'd constructed a persona
that showed no weakness.
It was a complete secret,
Just your mothers and us knew.
He had such an identity as a lawyer
and he enjoyed it so much,
he really wanted to protect that.
When people heard
you had the disease,
it wasn't just that they wouldn't
want you to be their lawyer.
It was that they counted you out.
They saw you as walking wounded
that you didn't have a future.
He just tried to put it in a box
and not pay any attention to it.
And he was very pragmatic.
"I am going to be healthy
for as long as I can."
Not, "I'm gonna beat this,"
'cause I don't think he thought he was.
He didn't live in a fantasy world.
The judge knew Tom was HIV positive.
But it didn't factor in to the case.
His only mention of it
was a footnote in his decision,
where he wonders if Tom's illness
was his motivation to sue.
"Thomas S. tested HIV positive
in 1987."
"Perhaps because knows his years
are limited,"
"he wishes at this time to redefine
his role in Ry's life."
He wanted a relationship with you,
more than anything,
that didn't have anything to do
with his diagnosis.
Right.
Maybe he got more determined
because he knew he had limited time.
So he wanted it to happen
and he wanted it to be over with.
He wanted to see you and have some
relationship with you before he died.
In spite of the judge's ruling,
the attorney for the donor insists:
"My client had an extensive parental
relationship encouraged by the women."
"These included visits
of many days at a time."
This battle is not over, Steel's attorney
says he plans to appeal the decision.
When there's an appeal,
both sides file their briefs,
and then they put it on for oral
argument.
You have, you know, 15 minutes,
20 minutes to argue
why you think
your position is correct.
DONOR DAD SEEKS RIGHT TO VISI
Tom argued the case himself.
A lawyer's not supposed
to represent themselves.
We told him, "Get someone else".
No way. He was gonna do this.
Why?
Why did he wanna do it?
Because he thought he could win.
- He thought if he did it, he'd win?
- He was the best lawyer.
Tom went first and said Judge
Kaufmann's decision was wrong.
He said
he was your biological father,
and therefore the family court
had no authority to do anything
but to declare him the father.
And once he's declared the father,
he has certain rights.
At one point one of the judges said,
"Mr. Steel,"
"what is it that you want?"
And he, said, "I just want to have
a relationship with my daughter"
"where I can share with her my life."
And she looked at him and said
"But you had that."
"And then you sued."
At the court after the argument,
we were out in the lobby,
and I remember we were feeling
really good.
We were very hopeful,
like "that went well".
And there's a press photo of me
with Peter, and we're like beaming.
I remember that summer, 1994,
waiting anxiously for a decision
we thought could come any day,
but it took forever. I believe
it didn't come 'til November.
And then, when it came,
we were heartbroken.
The Appellate Division took
the simplistic view of the family.
And they determined that in fact
Justice Kauffman was wrong,
that Mr. Steel had the rights
of a father.
Wasn't about you anymore,
it was now about him.
We went back
to the patriarchal system
where he was the father,
and Robin was the mother.
Russo was out in the cold, that's what
the Appellate Division decided.
The Appellate Court framed
the issue as
whether you could terminate
the rights of a biological father.
They said Tom was a father
from the moment you were born,
with his sperm.
That was an existential threat
to all lesbians
who wanted to raise children,
to all women who wanted
to raise children without men,
and it made me furious.
They decided we were the evil
people in this scenario,
that we were keeping this wonderful,
generous man
from exercising his rights
to his daughter.
And that we were homophobic
You know, to suggest a gay man
can't be a parent.
And basically that you'd grow up
hating us as a result. It was warped.
I think having stepped out of
the client role, in to the lawyer role
was a very difficult thing for Tom,
and a very big misstep.
He won though.
When he finally represented himself,
that's when he won.
It may have been successful
in the outcome,
but did it get him to the place
where he wanted to be?
Did it get you where you wanted?
I don't think so.
The Appellate Division was saying
there has to be an order of filiation,
and he can start asking immediately
for contact and other such things,
and that's what he did.
We're like, "What do we do?"
There was no waiting
for the next appeal,
it was going back to court now
to arrange visitation.
Harriet said, "Let's try to get
a stay pending appeal."
A stay means
a stopping of an order.
We do not want you
to have to go visit him,
and your moms could've been jailed
for not producing you.
So Bonnie and I got on the train.
We needed to get the court
of appeals in Albany
to stop the Appellate Division
from this horrific decision.
We got up to the Court of Appeals,
and we met the clerk of the court.
He looked over the papers,
and he looked at the two of us,
and he said, "Your chances
to get a stay are slim to none."
"There is a judge here.
Someone will be with you soon."
We sat in the library for hours.
This woman comes down, and says
"Come up. The judge wants to see you."
So, we go upstairs,
and he was sitting there.
And we talked a little bit,
and all of a sudden,
he handed us a stay.
It's signed.
The family court is stayed
from entering an order of filiation.
And we couldn't believe it.
We were happy because you didn't
have to go visit with Mr. Steel.
Not immediately.
The decision was stayed
pending an appeal,
so the Court of Appeals
was going to hear it next.
I never dreamed that it would be
fought against so hard,
or that it would take
so much time and energy
to pursue the lawsuit.
And at that point
At this point,
because this is where we're at,
I felt that because of my health,
which is rapidly declining,
that if I had to wait two more years
to rebuild a relationship with you,
I might not make it.
- He wants that.
- That's what I want, Procrin.
- The doctor said Epogen, so.
- Either one's fine.
I think he felt worn down,
and I think he was wearing down.
I think he was starting
to feel not well.
So it was a very difficult
and dark time.
I think Tom found in you
something he lost in himself.
When you were together,
he just seemed so alive,
in a way that I, as his close friend,
had never seen before.
And I think it was hard
for him to let go,
because you were intertwined
with his sense of who he was.
Here is a picture. Stinson Beach.
I think in the end, Tom lost more
than he could've ever imagined.
So I decided, with a lot of thought
and through a lot of pain,
to drop the whole case.
He withdrew.
I was hoping,
is he withdrawing for Ry?
Maybe he doesn't wanna
put her through any more.
But then, I don't remember
which lawyer it was,
but a lawyer told me, "No, he likes
the law, and the book says it is."
An opinion from the Appellate
Division of the New York Courts
says that I'm your father, that
I had a warm relationship with you,
and that I should have
some visitation.
On paper he won,
it was important to him to win,
he was gonna stay in this battle
until he won.
And he won - but we won.
And that was the end of the war.
The relief was so deep
that it took a while to sink in.
- You guys were so sweet.
- And you were so strong.
It took its toll on both of you
in different ways.
It's never gonna be over,
I'll never say, "What trial".
It's always gonna be there
as this landmark in my life
that had an effect on me
that's forever gonna be with me.
It was something that a kid
shouldn't have to go through.
You were super fragile
and depressed, just fragile.
And you were just receding.
You were losing weight.
You were taking drugs.
We were trying to control that,
we weren't sure how to do that.
We knew you were going out to bars
and dancing on tables,
when you were underage,
and being kind of a wild child.
It took years to relax.
And to
To feel safe.
- Hey.
- What are you doing, you freak?
Oh my god, there you are,
go, I got you, baby.
I wasn't thinking about Tom,
I wasn't feeling things
about the lawsuit.
I was pretty focused
on not feeling anything.
Ry? Stop.
- Stop what?
- Filming.
Is this it?
In high school I got a high-8 camera.
That's when I started
making little movies.
One, two, hi!
It was a great tool to be able
to document my life
and the life of those around me.
- And this is our tree.
- Santa, will see it.
I remember being invigorated by it.
Here we are,
doing the sister thing.
I was interested in filmmaking,
in press and media
and all that stuff.
Welcome to the television
ho show of NYCBKB.
I wanted to participate in it.
We were sued by the sperm donor
when Ry was nine years old.
- You were dragged in to court?
- Yeah.
I was just a kid
who knew what I loved,
and then this guy who was a friend
who helped make me,
whatever that is, I'm nine
all of a sudden he was telling me
he wants me to go visit alone.
- It was scary.
- This went on for four years.
For a while, it was a topic
of interest for the press.
I think we felt
it was important to do.
People would say to us
"He just wants visitation."
He was suing for paternity.
To whatever extent we could
correct the record, we did.
Whether it was a Time magazine,
or a New York Times article later.
Guys, come on, we have to leave
in an hour.
When my family talks
about our lives and the case,
it's very easy for us to go
on automatic pilot.
Because for the case, we had to seem
like an ideal family, we were perfect.
Part of being perfect, and
being "normal" was being straight.
But if we accept it,
more people will accept it
and think it's okay
when it's really not.
Then someone else is growing up,
would say, "Oh, I'll be gay too".
It was the reason gay people
shouldn't have children.
Because they were going to raise
their children to be gay.
Being in the first wave of kids
with gay parents,
I did feel pressure to be perfect
and normal and straight.
Cade seemed obsessed
with heterosexuality.
I mean,
just being a straight woman.
Teen magazine kinda thing.
Very into boys.
- All right. Unprotected sex?
- No.
- Have you ever had anal sex?
- No!
- Have you been with a female?
- Yes.
- Second base.
- With a female, second base?
Second base.
I'd spent many years trying
to be straight and popular,
and finally I just stopped.
And I came out.
I had such self-confidence,
it was like I became self-actualized.
I think most people assume
they're straight when they grow up.
But I just assumed I was gay
like my moms.
I think I heard them once say
I was probably a lesbian,
and so I internalized that
and just assumed I was a lesbian.
You were the tough one.
You were a bulldog.
Shut it off.
- So we thought, "Okay, you're gay"
- You're probably a lesbian.
I remember I had my first boyfriend.
I was with him, it was very nice
and happy. I hadn't had sex yet.
And a part of me needed permission
from my moms
to go be a part of the straight world,
because it felt like
by being straight,
in a way I was gonna lose them.
You kept talking about it
and sharing about it.
Mom was like, "Just do it already."
Russo said to me, "Go have sex
with him. Quit whining about it."
And I was like okay.
Realizing I liked men and was straight
a revolution of identity for me.
And there was a freedom in knowing
I could be different from my moms
and still stay close to them.
After the lawsuit,
I had no contact with Tom,
until I was 16.
I was at a drama program,
away from my moms,
and then Russo called me.
And she said Tom is dying of AIDS,
and do I want to talk to him
before he died?
Tom was in Mill Valley at his house,
in a hospital bed.
Everyone knew
he didn't have very long to live.
I believe he asked Emily, his lawyer,
to reach out to see if he could
have a phone call with you.
And the answer came back, "Yes."
Tom was laying in bed.
I remember that you called,
and someone handed Tom
the phone.
I remember hearing your voice.
You weren't on speakerphone,
but I could hear your voice,
and I don't know how to characterize
what you said, but you were angry.
Can you try?
My recollection is
you were extremely upset,
and I feel like,
you cursed at him maybe.
He was a little bit
like a broken record,
"I loved you, everything I did
was because I loved you"
"I never meant to hurt you."
And
I said, "I can't"
"I can't forgive you because
just because you're dying."
And that was it.
I was really hardened
by that point.
I was
I felt nothing for him.
All Tom wanted
was for you to call.
When he hung up,
he was smiling.
It didn't matter what you said.
What mattered is
that he could hear your voice,
and that he could tell you
he loved you before he died.
And then a few days later,
he woke up in the morning,
and he looked and said
they had to go to the hospital.
And Tom saw the sun coming up,
and he said he was happy.
We stayed with him all day
in the hospital, and then he died.
After Tom died,
I got a box in the mail.
Inside were home videos
of us together.
And there was also another tape,
made for me.
Hello, Ry.
I'm making a movie for you.
I figured that,
now that everything is over in the case
and it looks like
I'm not gonna be seeing you,
this may be my only chance to tell
you a little bit about who I am,
where I live,
what happened between us.
And most of all,
how much I love you.
So, here's a movie for you, Ry.
I watched about a minute of it.
And then put all the tapes away
in the closet.
I wasn't ready to look at them.
Little Red had only thought of these
little matters as much as she ought,
in the trap of a wolf
she'd never been caught
In college, I made an art piece
called "The Middle Ground"
that used the lens the fairy tale
"Little Red Riding Hood",
to tell the story of my sperm donor,
my moms, and the lawsuit.
The little lesbian family lived happily
in a loft in New York City, until
The wolf is gonna get me.
The wolf is gonna get me.
Tom was the wolf,
I was Little Red Riding Hood,
and my moms and sister were
also Little Red Riding Hoods.
I think playing these roles
made things very clear.
It was any blurriness
that was hard to wrestle with.
For years,
the tapes were in the closet.
During that time, I tried to move on
and make movies about experiences
outside my own.
People who came of age
in different ways.
In some way, I wanted nothing
to do with my own story.
I didn't want to define myself
by the lawsuit.
Cut!
But every few years,
I'd return to this story.
And I was troubled by it.
Because in attempting to tackle it,
I discovered I didn't understand
my own feelings.
So I pulled the tapes
back out of the closet.
And watched them all.
I'm sitting in the living room
of my house in Mill Valley,
by myself with the camera
on a tripod to talk to you.
I know you've had all sorts
of feelings about the lawsuit.
But, I've never been able to talk
to you about the lawsuit.
I've learned in life is there's always
two sides to any story.
There's always two people's
perspectives on any situation.
Maybe you've only heard one,
maybe you didn't think this through
from my perspective.
I'm not asking you to get in
to who's right and who's wrong.
I don't know if it would help you
to try to solve that.
But think of yourself, Ry, as a girl,
or maybe a woman
when you're reading this,
who was loved a lot
by many different people.
Yeah.
I was finally ready to hear
what he had to say.
But it was too late
to have a conversation.
THOMAS HAUSS.
MAY 7, 1950 - JULY 18, 1991.
After all this time, I'd never been able
to truly understand my feelings.
And I realized that
in order to do that,
I needed to not just watch the tapes,
but to hear from people
who knew and loved him.
I decided to make a documentary
because I wanted to understand
the other side of the story.
That's why we're here today
and that's why I'm talking to you.
I wanted to know your perspective,
Milton's perspective, Tom's.
What do you remember
about seeing Tom and I together?
I remember, total warmth,
total joy.
I remember Tom chasing you around,
playing some game, and you giggling.
Are you getting the skipping?
A little girl with this man she loved,
and he loved her.
I remember how meaningful it was
when he'd receive a letter from you.
It was wonderful, this joy.
One question for you is
why are you here talking to me?
That's a long answer.
I feel like Tom doesn't have anybody
to present his side of it.
Milton has Alzheimer's.
But I feel like if Tom were here,
and he knew you were making
the movie, with me or without me,
I think Tom would say, "Go tell her.
Go tell her how I felt."
What do your mothers think
of this project?
In general they're supportive.
But like anybody,
I think they're afraid of how
they're gonna be portrayed,
and of rewriting history.
But it's clear to me
that I don't think you are lying
or that Russo and Robin are lying,
but I think you have very different
understandings of what went on.
And that that is
Why are you shaking your head?
What happened is that they purposely
described Tom and your relationship
in a way that was utterly false.
They said he wasn't anything special.
And Ry never saw him that way,
and neither did we.
That's what happened in that trial.
And I think that's what happened
in your home.
I had a question
about Ry's biological father.
I don't understand the relationship.
I'd met him once or twice before,
as a person who helped make me.
They had to turn reality into
"He was nobody special to Ry,
just one of many family friends."
I think they felt like he changed,
by suing.
This is what you gotta get.
The truth would have been
to say to you,
"We loved him,"
"you loved him,
he was important to you,"
"then he dropped a nuclear bomb
on our heads and now we hate him."
But you can't say that in court.
But they didn't say that to you
either, I'm guessing, I wasn't there.
That would've been the truth,
and that would've been
"How could I argue with that?
That's their decision, their right."
But that is not what they said.
They erased reality.
They started changing it
when they were talking to me.
Only I was a grown-up who knew
what actually happened.
I know what happened
and what existed between everyone.
The fact that it's been
so misdescribed
It's a disservice to you.
"Then he dropped a nuclear bomb
on our heads, and now we hate him."
- But you can't say that in court.
- They didn't say that to you either.
I'm guessing, I wasn't there.
They erased reality.
Do you feel like
we rewrote history for you?
I don't know.
Maybe.
I don't think any of us had
the emotional maturity
to talk about what happened
before the lawsuit.
In terms of how I remember it,
it was
"He's threatening our family,
he betrayed us, we're terrified."
And even now when I acknowledge
I had a warm relationship with him,
it feels very scary and fraud
to acknowledge that,
and I think it did take me long
to even acknowledge that.
I think your fear
of the threat that he had
dominated everything.
If you could accept the notion
that we didn't cut him off,
if you could accept that,
it might be helpful.
Okay.
But when I look at the period
from 1989 to 1991,
I see letters from Tom and Milton
clearly trying to reconcile
and get along,
and nothing from you guys.
We were talking
on the phone with them,
and begged Tom to talk with us
and work it out.
I think we didn't want to put a lot
in writing, we were terrified.
Days before the lawsuit,
we were saying,
"Tom, come to New York,
let's talk and try to work it out,"
'cause he hadn't been talking to us.
Their narrative is
"we cut them off
- So he had no choice.
- So he had no choice.
Then they laid down the gauntlet,
"Okay, I want Ry."
What parent would do that?
My thing, mom, is just that,
when I look back on my relationship
with him, it was very warm,
I think I did love him,
not as my parent, in a different way.
And I think that if I was asked,
without the context of it
being a threat to our family,
"Do mind going and seeing him
alone in California,"
I don't know
if I would've minded that much.
So I wonder is it really
what was best for you, or for me?
You.
And for all of us.
It was for all of us,
but it was definitely for you, Ry.
I understand for you,
I understand for Cade
Nope, you're drinking the Kool-Aid.
I'm sorry to break your heart.
You can't be taken out
of the family
and go back and forth
and have that be good for you
with someone who is actually
not your family.
It wasn't that big a deal
in your life, he just wasn't.
I understand that, but clearly
he was a big deal in my life,
'cause here we are 30 years later
talking about it.
He made himself a big deal.
A lot of it is because of the lawsuit.
That's why I'm asking
what would've been worth.
The four years of the lawsuit,
or the six years he had left to live?
It wasn't an option.
- For us, it wasn't.
- Right.
He can't just hate us and say,
"Okay, now I want Ry."
Honestly,
I wouldn't have trusted to send you
to him for a week.
He wasn't parental, I wouldn't have
trusted he would've cared for you
in the way I want you cared for.
Is he gonna watch you in the water
the way we do?
He just wasn't a parent in that way.
So we thought it would be bad
for you, very bad for you.
And bad for our family.
It wouldn't be our family anymore.
It just wouldn't be the family
we wanted, we planned.
- And that we had.
- We struggled for, that we loved.
That's the family we wanted.
And that existed, for now,
how many years, nine years?
And he wanted to change it
because he wanted.
- I understand
- Well, fuck him.
Okay.
But when I think about
From my perspective.
You're stuck in a hard spot,
I'm not stuck in the spot you're at.
I just hate him.
But you're stuck in a harder spot.
- Definitely.
- Because as a kid, you adored him.
And as a kid, he betrayed you.
And us.
So you're like
Your emotional extremes are hard.
Yeah.
And I love you for loving him,
for recognizing that side of you.
And not be afraid of us
and our reaction.
I think you thought
we didn't know
that your position
is different than ours.
That your childhood love
didn't matter
or wasn't important enough.
I think it's a mistake that we didn't
circle back around to that
and talk about it
when you were younger.
We saved every piece of material
from the lawsuit.
All the pleadings, all the testimony,
all the exhibits, all the press
For both you and Cade.
We wanted you to know
the whole story,
as best as we could preserve it
for you.
What you're doing now is what
we wanted, as shitty as it is.
- Talk everything to death, yeah.
- Yeah.
And for you to be honest
about how you felt.
Okay, just drive.
- Dada?
- Yeah. Very exciting.
Contractions have slowed down,
but
But they're very intense.
What floor?
Oh god!
Here he is, come on up.
He looks handsome.
Sounds like a chicken.
- He's beautiful.
- Thank you.
Hi!
- It's so your hands don't get cold.
- That's right.
And she had a muff
and a matching hat made of fur.
I've been trying to tell this story
for most of my life.
But it never really felt like my own.
In the videos I made with Tom,
the stories were simple:
good and evil, right and wrong.
Won't it be wonderful?
But I've come to see this story
as more complicated.
And I choose to focus
on the love I felt for Tom,
not the pain.
I think what Tom gave me is a deep
appreciation of my family.
Having to confront its fragility
made it more precious.
I didn't think lesbians
would have children.
I thought that it was a lonely life
that you would lead.
I, Sandy, take thee, Robin.
We now pronounce you
wedded spouses.
Ry Russo-Young hopes
that sooner or later,
same sex marriage will become
a fact of life.
We are still a house on stilts.
But more rooted now.
More anchors than before.
As time moves forward,
my moms are getting older.
I want them to know I appreciate
that they taught me to love.
To forgive.
To relish every moment together.
And I hope my own family is one
where every moment together
is as deeply felt.
In all its sadness
and its unbelievable joy.