Off the Hook (2009) s01e03 Episode Script

All right, mate? Yeah.
What was that noise and why are there cornflakes everywhere? Oh, that, yeah, I had a bit of an accident with the packet.
The way they make those things, just! So are you gonna clean it up? Clean it up? Yeah, that's what most people do when they make a huge mess, they clean it up.
What's going on? I just had an accident with the cornflakes, all right?! Shane, my four-year-old nephew could open cornflakes.
Also, why does the living room look like the M25? This place is absolutely disgusting! What is this, Jeremy Kyle Boot Camp? You know we are students, aren't we? I thought that was the whole point? We're supposed to live in squalor, that's what students do! And anyway, how do I know that I'm not the normal one and you two are just being anal, you know? Fred, you don't mind the mess, do you, mate? It's nothing compared to the mess that mankind is in.
See! I don't hear weird bloke complaining, either! Actually he's left you a note.
"Dear Stinking Pig, clean up or I'll clean you up!".
Hey, what does that even mean? Is he going to take me into the shower and scrub me down? You know, somebody should! Either way, you're out-voted! Shane, up! What's up with you, jitter-pants! I've got this photography project for my media course I need to finish.
I've got an exhibition tomorrow and Johnny Canter's gonna be there.
What? The Johnny Canter, the tennis player? No.
I'm thinking of Jimmy Carter.
Jimmy Carter was an American President.
Was he? I'm thinking of Jimmy Connors.
Anyway, Johnny Canter is like one of the most famous photographers around and apparently, he's even thinking of taking on an apprentice.
And that's a big deal, is it? No, it's more than a big deal, it's like a total dream.
You know how you have that dream about managing a Brazilian women's volleyball team? Mine is to be Johnny Canter's apprentice.
Yeah, I think mine might be better.
I just don't know which photo to use and they're due in this morning.
Just ask your tutor for an extension.
I could do, but she's just being a bit funny with me.
She keeps making these weird sexual innuendos.
Man, what is it with you and older women? I think it must be they get this maternal thing with you and they see you as like this frail little seven-year-old girl that can't look after herself! Yeah, thanks, Shane.
Anyway, I've got to go.
Danny, is it OK if I come with you to the exhibition tomorrow? I want to show Johnny Canter my photo.
Oh, wow, that's What is it? It looks like the kind of picture you take when your camera goes off in your bag by accident! Sorryit's upside down.
Oh, yeah, that's much better! It's called "Despair".
Course it is! Anyway, yeah, come along.
I'll see you there.
So, remember for tomorrow night's exhibition the subject is Feminine Beauty.
OK, that means I'll be looking for photos that really capture the essence of femininity, of beauty, ofsexuality.
OK, that's it, thanks, everyone.
Oh, don't forget, Johnny Canter will be here tomorrow and he will be considering one of our students to be his next apprentice.
Vanessa, sorry, hi! Could I ask you something? Of course! You can ask me anything.
Why don't we go somewhere more private? So, I just wanted to know if Oh, let me guess! Can you take photos of me for tomorrow night's Feminine Beauty Exhibition? The answer is no, Danny I'm your tutor.
It's inappropriate.
That wasn't actually what I was going to ask you.
I've done the photos, I just wondered if I could hand them in tomorrow? because I'm having trouble choosing.
Danny, Danny, Danny.
You're a naughty boy, aren't you, hmm? What are you? A naughty boy.
That's right.
And what happens to naughty boys who don't hand in their work on time? A spanking? No, they get marked down.
Oh, God, of course! I need them tomorrow by 6pm at the latest.
Don't keep me waiting.
All right, mate? I'm just sorting out food, then I need to go and work on my project.
Cool.
Could you do me a favour? What is it? I found this kind of warty-moley thing I just wanted you to take a look.
I really don't have the time, Shane.
Please, mate! It will only take a second, it's just on my back.
OK, fine.
When I say back, I mean backside.
Oh, Shane, do I really have to look at your warty backside?! Can't you go and see a doctor?! I'm not gonna go see a doctor! Just, please Be a mate! All right, fine.
Brilliant! So, how are things going with Scarlet? Urm, not great.
You know, I just want us to get on.
You know, be friends at least, but right now I just think she thinks I'm a bit of an idiot! Oh! What? What is it? Is it big? Katie, these are our flatmates, Danny and Shane.
Hey! Hi! Hi! Hi(!) Listen, do you think you could do this sort of stuff somewhere else, apart from the kitchen, you know, where we have the food? I mean there's nothing weird.
I was just looking at Shane's wart! OK.
I'm gonna leave you to it.
Well, that must have looked good! Did you see how her mate was looking at my bum? She wants it! She wants it! Sometimes I feel like saying, "Lord, I just don't care" But you've got the love I need to see me through Sometimes it seems the going is just too rough And things go wrong no matter what I do Now and then it seems life is just too much But you've got the love I need to see me through When food is gone you are my daily meal When friends are gone, I know my saviour's love is real That's it That is it! Sometimes I feel like saying, "Lord, I just don't care" But you've got the love I need to see me through Shane! Mate! Shane! Look, I've been cleaning up! Woo, got quite into it, actually.
I've been reading about Feng Shui and realised we had everything in the wrong place.
Been rearranging it all.
Where did you put the telly? Behind the couch.
Phew! So how are we gonna watch it? Yes, I was wondering about that, actually! And where did you put my photos?! The ones that were just on the floor? I cleared them up! Do you mean that you put them in a nice neat pile somewhere? That's right, yeah.
Thank God! Where? In the bin.
What?! Shane! I was up all night arranging them.
They're my photos for today's exhibition for Johnny Canter.
Ohreally? So which bin did you put them in? The one in the kitchen.
There's nothing in there.
Yeah, it got taken down to the main bin in the courtyard and then picked up by a dump truck and taken to landfill.
How could you do that? Me? You're the one that left them all over the floor! How was I supposed to know you wanted them? You guys are all going, "Clean up!" Yes, clear up the rubbish, not to throw out my coursework! I didn't know.
I thought they were just the kind of pictures you take when you're trying to use up the film in your camera.
It was two weeks' work! I now have no photos for an exhibition which is in seven hours.
Thank you so much, Shane(!) Are you all right, mate? Apart from the fact that I have to come up with a whole new project for an exhibition that is only a few hours away because you decided to throw away my work? Yeah, apart from that.
Well, then I'm great, thanks.
Good.
Listen, maybe I can help.
What's the title? Feminine Beauty.
That's why I hired and paid for a model.
Now I'm just trying to think of any girls who I know that don't think I'm some kind of freak.
Can you think of anyone? No, sorry, mate.
I could dress up as a girl, if you like, and you could photograph me? No, thanks.
OK.
What about Scarlet? Huh? Yeah.
You said the exhibition's called Feminine Beauty, right, and she's a girl, you know.
You'll have to give her a makeover, obviously, but she'd probably be flattered.
Plus, you know, you were saying how you two aren't really getting along, so it will help with that and you get something for your exhibition! Two birds, one bush! I hate to admit it, but that's actually not a terrible idea.
Really?! Yeah, but she'll never go for it.
You never know unless you ask, do you? I'll ask, if you like.
I'd like to help, especially because I feel partially responsible for what happened to your project.
Partially responsible!? I have to accept some of the blame even if it was you that left them all over the floor! No, Shane, don't! Scarlet! Hey, Scarlet! How's your mate? I think you traumatised her.
I was gonna ask, actually, do you think you could see if she's interested, now that she's seen my least-attractive quality? That's not your least-attractive quality, Shane.
Thanks.
So, anyway, are you busy today? Yep.
Really? What are you doing? I've got two lectures followed by jujitsu at three, why? I was wondering whether you would do me a favour.
No, sorry, I can't.
But you don't know what it is, yet! But I do know it's a terrible idea.
Don't be like that.
Anyway, it's not for me, it's for Danny.
What is it? Right, so his photography project got sort of thrown away, so he needs to do another one and he was wondering if he could take photos of you for it.
It's called Feminine Beauty.
What, Danny wants to take photos of me for a project called Feminine Beauty? It's weird, isn't it, but he's desperate, so we've been trying to wrack our brains thinking of women that might actually be up for it and we couldn't think of anyone, so we thought we'd ask you.
Please, Scarlet, you're our last resort! How flattering! No, I mean, you know, I'm not saying you're not beautiful, you know.
There are different kinds of beauty, aren't there? It's not all about the physical.
You've probably got some nice qualities, hidden away somewhere.
And you'd probably look all right if your hair wasn't all lesbian Anyway, the point is, Danny will literally take anyone, so, what do you say? Thanks, Shane, but I think you just tipped the balance, yeah! So are you gonna do it, or not? Not! All right, well when you get back later, maybe you could take a look at my bum? I am such a good friend! Did you get Scarlet to agree to do the photos? No, but what I did do was I found out where she's gonna be at three o'clock this afternoon at a jujitsu lesson! Greatand how does that help me? I'm about to tell you.
Right, so my mate Eric, yeah, he's the janitor at the sports department, so I've organised you a special spot where you can photograph her without her even knowing! Wow! I mean I have to hand it to you, Shane, I actually think it's the most preposterous idea you have ever come up with! Thanks, man! No, that's not a good thing.
I'm saying it's an absolutely stupid idea! What are you talking about? It's brilliant! How else are you gonna get the photos? I'm not! She doesn't want me taking photos of her.
Of course she wants you to take pictures of her! I think she would have been up for it, but when I was talking to her she got the impression she was a last resort.
And how did she get that impression? I don't know, but you surprise her with these photos at the exhibition, she'll be chuffed to bits! Look, ever since I've known you, yeah, all you've ever wanted to do is be a photographer! You know, the way you drone on and on about it, boring the pants off anyone who'll listen, it's as tedious a thing as I've ever heard.
But do you care? No! Because photography is your passion, and now you've got a chance to impress Jimmy Connors! Johnny Canter.
Johnny Canter, and maybe even become his appendix! Apprentice! Yeah! As it happens, he did win several awards for doing a series of voyeuristic-style photos.
Well, there you go! What does that mean? It means he took photos of models without them knowing it.
What, like a perv? No.
What? Shane, he's not a perv, he's an artist! Well, there you go! You could be a "artist" too! All right, fine, I'll do it.
So where do I have to go? What, the cupboard? So have you sat in here before? No! You do realise this is for a project? Yeah, course it is, mate! Oh, she can't wait for what I can give She knows what I am but she won't believe me Is it all OK, will I come off to like this? I can't believe that it's always like this Hello.
Yeah, I'm supposed to be going jujitsu.
I can't believe I'm doing this! Yeah, I suppose I could blow it off.
Right, see you there.
Ooh, by the way, Shane fancies you! Yeah, the fat, ginger one! Yeah, no, I thought not! OK, ladies, everybody get changed.
Don't be shy, we're all girls together.
Oh, God! We've got a full two-hour session ahead of us.
Oh, God! All right, Fred! Anything good on? Yeah.
Right, you're a scientist, aren't you, mate? Yeah, why? I wondered whether you could me a favour? I've found this weird warty thing on my back end.
Could you take a look? Yeah, all right.
Brilliant! Thanks, mate! I appreciate it.
It's just there.
Well, what do you think? Shush! It looks like a mole.
Oh! Is that all, just a mole? Yeah.
A cancerous mole.
Are you sure? No.
I've gotta go.
OK, that's it, thanks everyone, you can get changed now.
April, could you grab me a towel, please? Don't worry, sweetheart, I'll get it.
Danny! If you wanted to take pictures of me that much, you should have just asked.
I wasn't trying to take photos of you I was What? I don't really see what else you could have been doing in that cupboard all by yourself, unless of course you were trying to take pictures of the girls in a state of undress, in which case I would have to call the police.
So, what was it - me or the other students? It was you.
I was trying to take pictures of you, I'm sorry.
That's what I thought.
You do know this is wrong, don't you? You're a student and I'm Well, I'm a few years older than you, but you're not the first young male to fall in love with his university tutor.
It happens, and as exciting and attractive as the prospect may be, it can't happen.
Do you understand that? OK.
Off you go, then.
I'll see you tonight.
Mate, where have you been? How did it go? Not great.
What you failed to tell me was that the girls get changed in that room.
What? So I'm in the cupboard, while just outside all these girls are getting undressed.
Aah! You must just wake up in the morning and thank your lucky stars that you know me! No, Shane.
I got caught in there.
I almost got arrested.
It's only because Vanessa thinks I've got a crush on her that she let me off.
I think she thinks we're having this unspoken love affair.
What about Scarlet? Did you get the pictures? She wasn't even in the class, so now I'm totally stuffed.
And your janitor friend, by the way, is a total pervert.
Is he? Hiya.
Hey, Scarlet.
What are you doing later? I'm supposed to be going out with some friends, why? It's just that I've got this photography exhibition and I'd really love it if you were there.
Well, I sort of said that Just come for a bit.
You won't be disappointed, I promise you.
Hmm OK.
What time? Oh, it's six o'clock.
OK, cool! You haven't seen my camera have you, Fred? I've got my exhibition in half an hour and I haven't printed off the photos and now I can't find my camera! It's in the kitchen.
In the sink.
What's it doing there? Shane and his Feng Shui! Right, I've gotta run but I'll see you at the exhibition later, yeah? Mind how you go.
Vanessa! Danny, you're all hot and sweaty.
You should really try and calm down.
I know, I'm sorry.
I ran here.
Look, I've got the photos.
Well, look, I'm not going to have time to mount them.
I could show them on the projector.
That would be great! Well, which ones do you want me to use? All of them.
Just All of them.
Hey, man, where's your work? They're just about to show it.
I'm so nervous! Well, don't be.
It's gonna be great, I know it.
How do you know that? Because you're talented, OK? That's how I know.
Thanks, mate.
Johnny, I'd like to introduce you to one of my favourite students.
This is Danny Gordon.
Oh, wow, it's so great to meet you.
I'm a real admirer of your work.
That is true He's always, "Jimmy Connors" this and, "Jimmy Connors" that! He was telling me about those pervy pictures that you take.
He said they're brilliant! Believe me, if this guy was any more of a fan, he'd be a stalker! Well, I'm not a stalker.
No, no, not like a stalker, just like a really crazed fan! He was telling me earlier how much he'd love to be your little apprentice boy.
Thank you so much, friend.
That's what I'm here for! I'm so glad you could come.
Well, you insisted I was here, so You look really nice.
Oh, thanks! So what's this all about, then? You'll see.
Hi, there.
About earlier, I wasn't, you know, it was It is wall to wall women in here! Who would have thought that fit girls and photography would go so well together! See the way Katie was checking me out again? By the way, mate, whatever happened to those photos that I took? What? The ones I took with your camera of my mole? Oh, no Hey! That's my bum! What the hell? This is all wrong.
That is all wrong! Let's go.
Scarlet, wait, Scarlet! Is that what you got me down here for, to see that? No, I didn't know.
It was just supposed to be you! How did you even get those pictures of me, anyway? Were you spying on me? Well, yes No! I mean, I took them from my bedroom window.
I was all alone and I made sure you couldn't see me.
Hang on.
Were you the one they caught in the cupboard in the jujitsu room? Well, yes.
Danny, normal people don't do stuff like that.
You need professional help.
Scarlet, please! Scarlet! Look, I like you, Danny, but you're a disaster zone, and as a general rule, I prefer to stay away from disaster zones.
I have to say, mate, I'm really flattered.
What? That you used those pictures of my rear end for your project.
I mean, that's That just says so much about our bond, you know.
I didn't know those photos were on my camera.
Oh, I see.
Why were those pictures in the camera? Well, you know, I thought I'd send the pictures to the doctor so I wouldn't have to go in in person, you know, but, good news! It turns out I didn't have a wart at all! It was a cornflake.
What? Yeah! It turns out I just sat on a cornflake and it kind of dried up and got all caught up in all the hairs, but Relief, eh? Here he is, all hail the photographer! You have an extraordinary talent! Fred, do you want to be my apprentice? No.
Ooh! Can I get an interview with you for a student television station? Were you inspired by Johnny Canter before you