On the Couch (2013) s01e03 Episode Script
Episode 3
MUSIC.
CLOCK TICKS (SIGHS) CLOCK TICKS.
First off, I would like to apologise, for not being here last week.
And for sending Noel and Kay, it was a mistake.
I paid the price.
I'm still paying for it.
My motivation was, I just didn't want to waste the money.
Noel and Kay, on this couch? For an hour? (LAUGHS) I'd like to have been a fly on the wall for that.
I'd say you needed therapy yourself.
Noel eh, God bless him, he means well.
My apologies too, for last week, although I have found that the hiatus of the last two weeks has in actual fact been most cathartic.
Yeah, well, things are going a lot better than they were.
We're definitely going to continue for the six sessions we paid for.
That's right.
Yes we are.
Ok, will we just get straight to it or what? He's got to get back behind his locked door.
Fuck it, it's a completely different issue.
So eh, how've things been going? Actually Moya, why don't you answer that? Oh no Graham, you tell her.
Because you seem to have the answer for everything.
You tell her.
Ok, I will.
Well we did what was agreed last week, we stayed at home with the kids for the week.
All 10 of them, with their three new childminders.
Us being at home, you know, it's a lovely idea, but it isn't practical, and it's not working.
Things have been ticking along very nicely at home.
Haven't they Carmel? Oh absolutely, yeah.
I mean, Brendan has been, you know During the break, he's eh.
.
he's learnt to cook.
(LAUGHS) Well I suppose one of the benefits of the sabbatical, was that I picked up a couple of Carmel's cookbooks, and I eh, learned to rustle up a few things.
The other day I made a very tasty carbonara.
It was absolutely delicious.
I'd say now, I blew the points budget, but I couldn't help it, it was absolutely gorgeous.
I feel like I'm on a second honeymoon.
(GIGGLES) Things were very, very rocky after the last session.
That would be correct, yes.
None of that was helped, by the amount of drinking we were both doing.
Yes, we were both using alcohol as an anaesthetic.
I was hanging out with my sisters and They were indulging you, frankly.
Well fair enough, but you know.
Olive and Kay are very heavy drinkers.
And you can very easily get hammered, very quickly.
I will say, there's a very, very heavy element within that particular sisterhood.
Well just say it, say the name.
Kay.
Kay, your sister, who was humiliating me for my lachrymose display.
Lachrymose tears, by the way.
Tears.
Yeah, well you give someone like Kay an inch, and she's going to exploit it, you know? And if you are going to be sitting in a bar on a Saturday night, what do you expect? Well I don't think sorry.
I don't think you're being particularly well served, by Kay.
If you don't mind me saying so, quite frankly.
I'd go so far as to say it was Kay who made the anonymous phonecall.
Don't be ridiculous.
Don't get me wrong, it's not like Kay wouldn't do it.
She just wouldn't have the wit.
No.
There's only one person in whose interest it was to make that anonymous call.
Who was that? Tracy Bryant.
Oh, that is a pure figment.
How would it be in her interests, when she was bribing me? Well how do I know? The girl's not exactly the full shilling.
Anyway, the situation was tricky.
So I thought, rather than head for a break up, why don't we head for a city break.
So I took Olivia to the eternal city of Rome.
Beautiful.
Beautiful.
We are not traditional people.
We never have been.
So trying to turn our house into Walton's effing mountain, is just not going to work.
And I for one, particularly resent being berated, by people in my employ, i.
E.
, the childminders, for destroying my own kids' routine.
I mean, hello? Try getting 15 people to sit down and eat at the one time, it's ludicrous.
It isn't going to happen.
Do you know, none of our favourite restaurants will take bookings for children after 8pm? We're standing in the middle of Dalkey main street, with 10 wains, crying their eyes out for something to eat.
No one will serve us anything.
I finally got us into the Lobster's Claw, the guy who owns it owes me a lot of money.
Didn't get out of it until after midnight.
Nightmare.
I had to carry each of the children out one by one, individually to the cars, they didn't get to bed until after 2.
Tell you, not great for a school night.
Crazy.
The whole fucking thing is crazy.
Us being there all the time, is freaking the kids out! Brendan has been a lot more physical, yes.
Oh you know, holding hands.
Linking.
The other day he tickled me.
(LAUGHS) That's right, she'd a tray in her hand at the time.
It was a bit of gas.
You're crackers.
No, we haven't actually had sex yet.
Brendan feels there's danger in doing too much too soon.
Carmel's right.
It'd be foolish to take things too quickly.
But I mean I think things are definitely moving in the right direction.
Now I wouldn't have been gone on Rome.
But I have to say, we really enjoyed it.
Just to be able to get away from the stress and forget everything.
Yeah, to be able to take my dear lady wife, to St.
Peter's Square.
I didn't get off the bus at St.
Peter's Square, over I don't agree with what the Church did to the little kiddies.
So I said no way, I'm not getting off.
The highlight for me, was the art galleries.
The Vatican.
There was this one particular painting, by this Italian Renaissance artist, Ci-Ci-Cini, I think his name was Now the Coliseum, I know it's 2,000 years old, I get that.
But that's not a reason not to put a new roof on it.
There is no facilities whatsoever to speak of.
I found myself overcome, by the profound awe and sheer simplicity, of this picture which depicted the baby Jesus Christ, with his mother.
I wept.
The Italian women, are turned out, beautiful.
Immaculah! The hotel was first class.
Spotless.
You know? Just to be able to relax.
The food, the pasta, the gelato To be able to order whatever wine you wanted without being made to feel you were rubbing people's faces in it.
Which can be a bit of a problem at home, the resentment.
Well, it is.
I have to say, it was very, romantic.
It was.
I don't mind telling you that we spend the nights making very beautiful love.
Dargan's trial is going to be sorted, it'll not be able to proceed.
You don't know that for sure, Graham! I do, because there's only one witness, Jason Livingston, and he's in a coma.
It'll be struck out, so just relax.
Dargan has been, you know, he's been fine.
Great.
Really good.
Fine.
Yeah.
He posted a message on his Facebook, offering a reward for someone to pull the plug of Jason Livingston.
Yeah, it's not going to happen.
He's only posturing.
Anyway, now we are on speaking terms again, I am going to have a word with him, about his privacy settings, because that kind of shit can come back and bite you in the arse.
Of course holding hands is intimate.
Arm linking is intimate.
It's human contact.
I mean, no man is an island.
We've been doing that, and I think it's going very well.
I know some people mightn't see arm linking as sexy behaviour, but I think that kind of contact depends very much on what's going on underneath and there's a lot of change and that.
Ok, if you must know why I'm prepared to wait, it's because I don't think I'm going to be waiting too much longer at all.
Because, em Well, eh This morning, I was very surprised and pleased, to see that eh That Brendan was aroused.
What do you mean aroused? Wh-While he was asleep, I could see, quite clearly that Brendan, had an erection.
We never had any problems in our sex life before this happened.
Things were always very satisfactory in that department.
Although, Rome was different love.
Different on a spiritual level.
That's cause you realised what you were missing.
Why go out for a hamburger when you've got a fillet steak at home? Our lovemaking was very spiritually uplifting.
That my heart, had in some way been opened up.
When I thought about it, I realised that this was emanating from the aftermath of the affair.
That I had been yearning for something, and what that something was, was a greater, deeper connection with my wife.
So in a sense, when I was with Tracey Bryant, I was really with my wife.
Through transgression came purification, and our lovemaking was elevated to a more beautiful, spiritual, plane.
What I mean by that is that the sex was more fulfilling.
Sylvia was putting in more effort, and in a sense, it's true what they say, an affair can be good for a marriage.
We have a no locked doors policy in the house.
We always have.
Graham decided last week to flout that completely, and fitted a lock to his study door, to keep the children out, and me.
That is rich coming from you Moya.
The reason we have a no locked doors policy, is so that every member of the family feels free to go to every room of the house, anytime whatsoever, ok.
Yes.
But you made a mockery of that agreement by bringing in one of your lovers into our bedroom.
I haven't got an issue with Sasha Sasha's Dargan's fencing teacher, she's banging him, that's fine.
Lovely guy.
But just NOT in the main house.
No wonder Dargan wouldn't speak to you.
I didn't know Dargan was in the house at the time.
I didn't plan it like that anyway.
Sasha's Russian.
He's passionate.
Lovers are kept in the boathouse, not the main house, ok? I'm just saying what I saw! CARMEL! It's about Africa being more important than Love Haiti.
Well what I can tell you, is that getting vaccinations for children in Uganda, building hospitals for children in Uganda, Kampala, that's more important than whether you've had an orgasm.
Ok, Graham.
Nobody can argue with that.
You've won every time.
This is going nowhere.
I mean, you're just so selfish.
Sorry for the outburst.
I'm not an aggressive man.
I just don't know why Carmel said what she said.
Not that I don't understand it.
I didn't think it was going to upset you like that.
I feel like I've been raped.
Not again.
You CAN'T go around, telling strangers this sort of thing L-L-Let's just forget about it and move on.
Jesus, I'll be afraid to go to sleep.
Ah no, don't think that Brendan, for God's sake.
Don't tell me what I can think and can't think.
Ok.
Carmel, just in fact Just pull yourself together.
(TEARFULLY) Ok, I'm just trying to Oh Carmel just SHUT UP! No need for that, Brendan.
Never heard the like of it.
Course then we got back from Rome, it was reality bites.
Jade had a party.
The house was in absolute bits when we got back.
She's still in bed.
Some friend of hers Tamara's there on a sleepover.
Very cheeky young one.
Anyway, I told them to get up and help me clean up.
And the CHEEK out of her.
Course Dudley said nothing.
Then Jade storms off with your woman, and doesn't turn up that night for her pre X-Factor heat.
She leaves little Edel waiting for her.
Now Edel and all is the grounding force in the act.
But Jade's the star.
Jade's the sparkle.
Well I wouldn't worry about it too much, I've always found the judging panel on the pre X-Factor heats to be more than capable and very professional.
Well Diva-like behaviour is not tolerated in those competitions, and the judges take note of that.
I'm not having her destroy her chances over this.
You can't blame me for that.
Well I do Dudley, I do.
Things have just gone too far now.
Look what you've gone and done.
Oh yeah, I've ruined everything.
You bloody have ruined everything.
I haven't! You have.
Ok, let's draw a line under this.
This no locked doors policy, has got nothing to do with your present family and everything to do with the fucked up family you came from.
Go on, tell the therapist, you might as well get it out into the open.
There's no mystery.
My father was a religious freak, who flitted from one cult religion to the other, and who basically kept us all locked in our bedrooms waiting for the apocalypse.
Boo hoo.
Grew up.
Got over it.
Happy now Graham? Now you know why she doesn't want to talk about her past.
That's bullshit Graham.
Is it? (LAUGHS) Have you nothing to say for yourself? No.
After that.
I don't.
I've said everything I wanted to say.
Oh yeah.
Don't try and goad me into it Carmel.
I'm not trying to goad you.
We haven't sat down together with Jade to talk about it, no.
Well I don't see why I should.
I am getting all the blame for this, and it had nothing got to do with me.
Dudley is going on saying it's a phase, saying it's nothing to do with his affair, when it clearly is, because that's when Jade started acting up! That's not true.
How is it not true? What about the incident at Noel's 40th, when she locked herself in the downstairs urinal? Ah sure that's just normal carry on.
I don't know.
I don't know how I'm going to fulfil my desires.
I was expecting my husband to do it for me, and I was waiting for him.
But that's not going to happen, is it? So I suppose that's another thing I'm going to have to learn.
Isn't it? Let me speak.
We agreed, last week, in the presence of the therapist, that we'd both stay home.
That was the deal.
But then you decided to make up your own rules.
Yeah but I did stay home.
But you locked your door Graham.
Did I lock my door? No.
That's because you were downstairs with your personal trainer Only because I have an appointment with him.
Have you any idea how hard it is to reschedule him? Why didn't you do some cooking.
(GASPS) You were negotiating with that chef, that French guy, Francois, you can't even make an egg.
So? So what? It's not as if you've actually got something to go and do.
Graham, you're unbelievable.
I'm not Nigella Lawson, I never pretended I was.
Maybe it'd be better off for all of us if you were.
Oh yeah, you'd love that wouldn't you? Graham would absolutely love it, if I gave up work.
Don't put words in my mouth.
But that's what you mean, isn't it? You want me to give up a lifetime's work to stay at home? You'd love it.
He'd love it, wouldn't you? I feel hopeless.
I don't like to say it, but that's how I feel.
(EXHALES DEEPLY) Would I like it if she stayed at home? Would I like it? Yes, I would actually yes.
With the children.
Oh yeah, we're getting the truth out now.
See, told you.
No, I would actually like, if you stayed at home, more like a proper Mum, and not some What? B-B-But I'm sorry.
Excuse me, I don't mean you're not a proper Mum.
I just mean a little more time at home, then we'd all be better off, with the children.
Because there's too many Mums doing too much FUCK! FUCK OFF! I'm going.
Run away, the truth's out now.
Fuck off Moya! Fuck you.
You're so selfish and narcissistic.
Are you going or what? DOOR SLAMS (SIGHS) CLOCK TICKS.
Empty.
I-I feel Empty in my stomach.
Empty.
I do actually find it reprehensible, that you are in actual fact using Jade, to get back at me.
First it was the sex, and now it's Jade.
That is rich Dudley.
I'm telling you, you better go home, and apologise to Jade.
Because if she doesn't get through her pre X-Factor heat next Wednesday week.
I will never forgive you.
It was all about my childhood.
I mean, there's no secrets about my childhood.
I just don't particularly want to talk about it.
I wasn't afraid of my father.
I was trapped.
A fucking prisoner.
Oh blathering on about the past, is just a waste of time.
You move on.
(EXHALES DEEPLY) I've gotten down on my bended knee, I have cried Dudley all you are doing is crying.
Of course I think it's all right for men to cry, when someone dies and 'dat.
But he's crying at everything.
It's like having a toddler with ya! The lachrymose element, very unfavourably received by the woman.
Typical female rhetoric, but to be quite honest, I wouldn't expect anything else, if you don't mind me saying so.
The humiliation of the male species is everywhere.
It's enshrined in advertising, television, Peppa Pig, everywhere, the father figure is a figure of fun.
Agghh, I would really appreciate, not talking about the kids.
I actually really enjoy, a bit of me time.
I haven't had a moment to myself.
So I'm quite happy to sit back and have a bit of me time, you can do your notes or whatever, I don't mind.
Write a list of things I forgive him for, for next week? That is what the woman said, Sylvia.
Yeah, I heard that.
What DO you forgive me for? You'll have to wait until next week to find out.
Well you needn't bother putting Jade on that list, because I intend to talk to her, have a one to one, in private.
Promise? For what it's worth, I'll give you my word.
(SIGHS) CLOCK TICKS.
Yes I hope, that we can continue, upon this path of peace and reconciliation.
I hope that my beautiful wife, can forgive me and learn to trust me again.
Because, quite frankly Sylvia, I am the best friend, you will ever have.
I don't understand how you can build a life based on a philosophy of equality, you know, a modern life.
And then come out with some 1930's shit, about me cooking? (LAUGHS) I mean, that is not going to happen.
No fucking way.
Me, cook? That is rich.
MUSIC
CLOCK TICKS (SIGHS) CLOCK TICKS.
First off, I would like to apologise, for not being here last week.
And for sending Noel and Kay, it was a mistake.
I paid the price.
I'm still paying for it.
My motivation was, I just didn't want to waste the money.
Noel and Kay, on this couch? For an hour? (LAUGHS) I'd like to have been a fly on the wall for that.
I'd say you needed therapy yourself.
Noel eh, God bless him, he means well.
My apologies too, for last week, although I have found that the hiatus of the last two weeks has in actual fact been most cathartic.
Yeah, well, things are going a lot better than they were.
We're definitely going to continue for the six sessions we paid for.
That's right.
Yes we are.
Ok, will we just get straight to it or what? He's got to get back behind his locked door.
Fuck it, it's a completely different issue.
So eh, how've things been going? Actually Moya, why don't you answer that? Oh no Graham, you tell her.
Because you seem to have the answer for everything.
You tell her.
Ok, I will.
Well we did what was agreed last week, we stayed at home with the kids for the week.
All 10 of them, with their three new childminders.
Us being at home, you know, it's a lovely idea, but it isn't practical, and it's not working.
Things have been ticking along very nicely at home.
Haven't they Carmel? Oh absolutely, yeah.
I mean, Brendan has been, you know During the break, he's eh.
.
he's learnt to cook.
(LAUGHS) Well I suppose one of the benefits of the sabbatical, was that I picked up a couple of Carmel's cookbooks, and I eh, learned to rustle up a few things.
The other day I made a very tasty carbonara.
It was absolutely delicious.
I'd say now, I blew the points budget, but I couldn't help it, it was absolutely gorgeous.
I feel like I'm on a second honeymoon.
(GIGGLES) Things were very, very rocky after the last session.
That would be correct, yes.
None of that was helped, by the amount of drinking we were both doing.
Yes, we were both using alcohol as an anaesthetic.
I was hanging out with my sisters and They were indulging you, frankly.
Well fair enough, but you know.
Olive and Kay are very heavy drinkers.
And you can very easily get hammered, very quickly.
I will say, there's a very, very heavy element within that particular sisterhood.
Well just say it, say the name.
Kay.
Kay, your sister, who was humiliating me for my lachrymose display.
Lachrymose tears, by the way.
Tears.
Yeah, well you give someone like Kay an inch, and she's going to exploit it, you know? And if you are going to be sitting in a bar on a Saturday night, what do you expect? Well I don't think sorry.
I don't think you're being particularly well served, by Kay.
If you don't mind me saying so, quite frankly.
I'd go so far as to say it was Kay who made the anonymous phonecall.
Don't be ridiculous.
Don't get me wrong, it's not like Kay wouldn't do it.
She just wouldn't have the wit.
No.
There's only one person in whose interest it was to make that anonymous call.
Who was that? Tracy Bryant.
Oh, that is a pure figment.
How would it be in her interests, when she was bribing me? Well how do I know? The girl's not exactly the full shilling.
Anyway, the situation was tricky.
So I thought, rather than head for a break up, why don't we head for a city break.
So I took Olivia to the eternal city of Rome.
Beautiful.
Beautiful.
We are not traditional people.
We never have been.
So trying to turn our house into Walton's effing mountain, is just not going to work.
And I for one, particularly resent being berated, by people in my employ, i.
E.
, the childminders, for destroying my own kids' routine.
I mean, hello? Try getting 15 people to sit down and eat at the one time, it's ludicrous.
It isn't going to happen.
Do you know, none of our favourite restaurants will take bookings for children after 8pm? We're standing in the middle of Dalkey main street, with 10 wains, crying their eyes out for something to eat.
No one will serve us anything.
I finally got us into the Lobster's Claw, the guy who owns it owes me a lot of money.
Didn't get out of it until after midnight.
Nightmare.
I had to carry each of the children out one by one, individually to the cars, they didn't get to bed until after 2.
Tell you, not great for a school night.
Crazy.
The whole fucking thing is crazy.
Us being there all the time, is freaking the kids out! Brendan has been a lot more physical, yes.
Oh you know, holding hands.
Linking.
The other day he tickled me.
(LAUGHS) That's right, she'd a tray in her hand at the time.
It was a bit of gas.
You're crackers.
No, we haven't actually had sex yet.
Brendan feels there's danger in doing too much too soon.
Carmel's right.
It'd be foolish to take things too quickly.
But I mean I think things are definitely moving in the right direction.
Now I wouldn't have been gone on Rome.
But I have to say, we really enjoyed it.
Just to be able to get away from the stress and forget everything.
Yeah, to be able to take my dear lady wife, to St.
Peter's Square.
I didn't get off the bus at St.
Peter's Square, over I don't agree with what the Church did to the little kiddies.
So I said no way, I'm not getting off.
The highlight for me, was the art galleries.
The Vatican.
There was this one particular painting, by this Italian Renaissance artist, Ci-Ci-Cini, I think his name was Now the Coliseum, I know it's 2,000 years old, I get that.
But that's not a reason not to put a new roof on it.
There is no facilities whatsoever to speak of.
I found myself overcome, by the profound awe and sheer simplicity, of this picture which depicted the baby Jesus Christ, with his mother.
I wept.
The Italian women, are turned out, beautiful.
Immaculah! The hotel was first class.
Spotless.
You know? Just to be able to relax.
The food, the pasta, the gelato To be able to order whatever wine you wanted without being made to feel you were rubbing people's faces in it.
Which can be a bit of a problem at home, the resentment.
Well, it is.
I have to say, it was very, romantic.
It was.
I don't mind telling you that we spend the nights making very beautiful love.
Dargan's trial is going to be sorted, it'll not be able to proceed.
You don't know that for sure, Graham! I do, because there's only one witness, Jason Livingston, and he's in a coma.
It'll be struck out, so just relax.
Dargan has been, you know, he's been fine.
Great.
Really good.
Fine.
Yeah.
He posted a message on his Facebook, offering a reward for someone to pull the plug of Jason Livingston.
Yeah, it's not going to happen.
He's only posturing.
Anyway, now we are on speaking terms again, I am going to have a word with him, about his privacy settings, because that kind of shit can come back and bite you in the arse.
Of course holding hands is intimate.
Arm linking is intimate.
It's human contact.
I mean, no man is an island.
We've been doing that, and I think it's going very well.
I know some people mightn't see arm linking as sexy behaviour, but I think that kind of contact depends very much on what's going on underneath and there's a lot of change and that.
Ok, if you must know why I'm prepared to wait, it's because I don't think I'm going to be waiting too much longer at all.
Because, em Well, eh This morning, I was very surprised and pleased, to see that eh That Brendan was aroused.
What do you mean aroused? Wh-While he was asleep, I could see, quite clearly that Brendan, had an erection.
We never had any problems in our sex life before this happened.
Things were always very satisfactory in that department.
Although, Rome was different love.
Different on a spiritual level.
That's cause you realised what you were missing.
Why go out for a hamburger when you've got a fillet steak at home? Our lovemaking was very spiritually uplifting.
That my heart, had in some way been opened up.
When I thought about it, I realised that this was emanating from the aftermath of the affair.
That I had been yearning for something, and what that something was, was a greater, deeper connection with my wife.
So in a sense, when I was with Tracey Bryant, I was really with my wife.
Through transgression came purification, and our lovemaking was elevated to a more beautiful, spiritual, plane.
What I mean by that is that the sex was more fulfilling.
Sylvia was putting in more effort, and in a sense, it's true what they say, an affair can be good for a marriage.
We have a no locked doors policy in the house.
We always have.
Graham decided last week to flout that completely, and fitted a lock to his study door, to keep the children out, and me.
That is rich coming from you Moya.
The reason we have a no locked doors policy, is so that every member of the family feels free to go to every room of the house, anytime whatsoever, ok.
Yes.
But you made a mockery of that agreement by bringing in one of your lovers into our bedroom.
I haven't got an issue with Sasha Sasha's Dargan's fencing teacher, she's banging him, that's fine.
Lovely guy.
But just NOT in the main house.
No wonder Dargan wouldn't speak to you.
I didn't know Dargan was in the house at the time.
I didn't plan it like that anyway.
Sasha's Russian.
He's passionate.
Lovers are kept in the boathouse, not the main house, ok? I'm just saying what I saw! CARMEL! It's about Africa being more important than Love Haiti.
Well what I can tell you, is that getting vaccinations for children in Uganda, building hospitals for children in Uganda, Kampala, that's more important than whether you've had an orgasm.
Ok, Graham.
Nobody can argue with that.
You've won every time.
This is going nowhere.
I mean, you're just so selfish.
Sorry for the outburst.
I'm not an aggressive man.
I just don't know why Carmel said what she said.
Not that I don't understand it.
I didn't think it was going to upset you like that.
I feel like I've been raped.
Not again.
You CAN'T go around, telling strangers this sort of thing L-L-Let's just forget about it and move on.
Jesus, I'll be afraid to go to sleep.
Ah no, don't think that Brendan, for God's sake.
Don't tell me what I can think and can't think.
Ok.
Carmel, just in fact Just pull yourself together.
(TEARFULLY) Ok, I'm just trying to Oh Carmel just SHUT UP! No need for that, Brendan.
Never heard the like of it.
Course then we got back from Rome, it was reality bites.
Jade had a party.
The house was in absolute bits when we got back.
She's still in bed.
Some friend of hers Tamara's there on a sleepover.
Very cheeky young one.
Anyway, I told them to get up and help me clean up.
And the CHEEK out of her.
Course Dudley said nothing.
Then Jade storms off with your woman, and doesn't turn up that night for her pre X-Factor heat.
She leaves little Edel waiting for her.
Now Edel and all is the grounding force in the act.
But Jade's the star.
Jade's the sparkle.
Well I wouldn't worry about it too much, I've always found the judging panel on the pre X-Factor heats to be more than capable and very professional.
Well Diva-like behaviour is not tolerated in those competitions, and the judges take note of that.
I'm not having her destroy her chances over this.
You can't blame me for that.
Well I do Dudley, I do.
Things have just gone too far now.
Look what you've gone and done.
Oh yeah, I've ruined everything.
You bloody have ruined everything.
I haven't! You have.
Ok, let's draw a line under this.
This no locked doors policy, has got nothing to do with your present family and everything to do with the fucked up family you came from.
Go on, tell the therapist, you might as well get it out into the open.
There's no mystery.
My father was a religious freak, who flitted from one cult religion to the other, and who basically kept us all locked in our bedrooms waiting for the apocalypse.
Boo hoo.
Grew up.
Got over it.
Happy now Graham? Now you know why she doesn't want to talk about her past.
That's bullshit Graham.
Is it? (LAUGHS) Have you nothing to say for yourself? No.
After that.
I don't.
I've said everything I wanted to say.
Oh yeah.
Don't try and goad me into it Carmel.
I'm not trying to goad you.
We haven't sat down together with Jade to talk about it, no.
Well I don't see why I should.
I am getting all the blame for this, and it had nothing got to do with me.
Dudley is going on saying it's a phase, saying it's nothing to do with his affair, when it clearly is, because that's when Jade started acting up! That's not true.
How is it not true? What about the incident at Noel's 40th, when she locked herself in the downstairs urinal? Ah sure that's just normal carry on.
I don't know.
I don't know how I'm going to fulfil my desires.
I was expecting my husband to do it for me, and I was waiting for him.
But that's not going to happen, is it? So I suppose that's another thing I'm going to have to learn.
Isn't it? Let me speak.
We agreed, last week, in the presence of the therapist, that we'd both stay home.
That was the deal.
But then you decided to make up your own rules.
Yeah but I did stay home.
But you locked your door Graham.
Did I lock my door? No.
That's because you were downstairs with your personal trainer Only because I have an appointment with him.
Have you any idea how hard it is to reschedule him? Why didn't you do some cooking.
(GASPS) You were negotiating with that chef, that French guy, Francois, you can't even make an egg.
So? So what? It's not as if you've actually got something to go and do.
Graham, you're unbelievable.
I'm not Nigella Lawson, I never pretended I was.
Maybe it'd be better off for all of us if you were.
Oh yeah, you'd love that wouldn't you? Graham would absolutely love it, if I gave up work.
Don't put words in my mouth.
But that's what you mean, isn't it? You want me to give up a lifetime's work to stay at home? You'd love it.
He'd love it, wouldn't you? I feel hopeless.
I don't like to say it, but that's how I feel.
(EXHALES DEEPLY) Would I like it if she stayed at home? Would I like it? Yes, I would actually yes.
With the children.
Oh yeah, we're getting the truth out now.
See, told you.
No, I would actually like, if you stayed at home, more like a proper Mum, and not some What? B-B-But I'm sorry.
Excuse me, I don't mean you're not a proper Mum.
I just mean a little more time at home, then we'd all be better off, with the children.
Because there's too many Mums doing too much FUCK! FUCK OFF! I'm going.
Run away, the truth's out now.
Fuck off Moya! Fuck you.
You're so selfish and narcissistic.
Are you going or what? DOOR SLAMS (SIGHS) CLOCK TICKS.
Empty.
I-I feel Empty in my stomach.
Empty.
I do actually find it reprehensible, that you are in actual fact using Jade, to get back at me.
First it was the sex, and now it's Jade.
That is rich Dudley.
I'm telling you, you better go home, and apologise to Jade.
Because if she doesn't get through her pre X-Factor heat next Wednesday week.
I will never forgive you.
It was all about my childhood.
I mean, there's no secrets about my childhood.
I just don't particularly want to talk about it.
I wasn't afraid of my father.
I was trapped.
A fucking prisoner.
Oh blathering on about the past, is just a waste of time.
You move on.
(EXHALES DEEPLY) I've gotten down on my bended knee, I have cried Dudley all you are doing is crying.
Of course I think it's all right for men to cry, when someone dies and 'dat.
But he's crying at everything.
It's like having a toddler with ya! The lachrymose element, very unfavourably received by the woman.
Typical female rhetoric, but to be quite honest, I wouldn't expect anything else, if you don't mind me saying so.
The humiliation of the male species is everywhere.
It's enshrined in advertising, television, Peppa Pig, everywhere, the father figure is a figure of fun.
Agghh, I would really appreciate, not talking about the kids.
I actually really enjoy, a bit of me time.
I haven't had a moment to myself.
So I'm quite happy to sit back and have a bit of me time, you can do your notes or whatever, I don't mind.
Write a list of things I forgive him for, for next week? That is what the woman said, Sylvia.
Yeah, I heard that.
What DO you forgive me for? You'll have to wait until next week to find out.
Well you needn't bother putting Jade on that list, because I intend to talk to her, have a one to one, in private.
Promise? For what it's worth, I'll give you my word.
(SIGHS) CLOCK TICKS.
Yes I hope, that we can continue, upon this path of peace and reconciliation.
I hope that my beautiful wife, can forgive me and learn to trust me again.
Because, quite frankly Sylvia, I am the best friend, you will ever have.
I don't understand how you can build a life based on a philosophy of equality, you know, a modern life.
And then come out with some 1930's shit, about me cooking? (LAUGHS) I mean, that is not going to happen.
No fucking way.
Me, cook? That is rich.
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