One Day at a Time (2017) s01e03 Episode Script
No Mass
1 [alarm beeps.]
[Latin music playing over stereo.]
[music continues playing.]
- Good morning.
- [both.]
Morning.
Ah.
You're amazing.
I know.
Mami, we already have crosses everywhere.
Do we really need a pope on the fridge? Oh, yes, because he is so inspiring.
You walk in to get a yogurt, you see him Hola, Papa.
Puts a smile on your face.
Well, why don't you put the pope in your room and go smile in there? [laughs.]
I already have two popes in my room.
Gracias very much.
Oh.
Oh, what's that, Papa? Are you lonely? You wanna be with your friends? Well [speaking Spanish.]
[continues speaking Spanish.]
[in English.]
He looks happy there.
[theme song playing in Spanish.]
You can probably dump that whole thing on there.
[laughs.]
Next time.
- [chuckles.]
- [door slams.]
[all.]
Hi! Welcome home, Lupita.
We are almost done, but there is plenty left.
Aw.
Dinner with my entire family And Schneider.
Yes, I invited him again.
He's an orphan.
Do orphans always have rich dads who buy them buildings? Hey, I may have money in the bank and two living parents, and four living stepmothers but there is a hole in here.
We never had family meals.
I ate alone in front of the TV.
Ay, pobrecito Schneider.
Oh, don't get me wrong.
It was a massive TV.
Sometimes my nanny would join me, but only if I agreed to watch telenovelas.
Ooh, those are so over the top.
Right? This one time, Rosa got jealous of the housekeeper 'cause she was makin' a move on her man, so she threatened to throw live scorpions on her while she slept.
Sounds good.
Which one was that? Oh, no.
Rosa was my nanny.
Ex-nanny.
Now, stepmother.
[sighs.]
I am so glad to be here.
I'm just glad to be home with everybody.
Who the hell are you? [scoffs.]
This is Carmen, my best friend.
I'm doing my history project with her.
These all sound like things I should know.
Hi, Carmen.
Hi.
[sighs.]
Ah.
[grunts.]
I'm Penelope.
Kind of a big deal around here.
So, uh, what's this history project you're working on? And then maybe later you can show me how to turn into a bat.
Well, we just got done explaining the whole thing.
Oh, come on, mija, I missed it.
Oh, no, wait, wait, wait.
Alex, tell your mother that funny story that happened in chemistry class.
- Again? - I know, okay, I'll tell it.
[chuckles.]
So, there is the floor and slip.
[laughing.]
[Schneider laughs.]
Oh, that Dylan.
Oh, that story never gets old.
- [laughs.]
- [Penelope.]
Oh, man.
I've been workin' so much, I'm missing all the scoops plus Latina Twilight over here.
Careful.
There's a lot of garlic in that chicken.
Your mom's kind of mean.
I'm obsessed with her.
Who would like a pastelito? Mmm! You know what? How about we go on a family hike this Saturday like we used to? Mom, uh, Carmen and I need all Saturday for our history thing.
Yeah, and Abuelita and I have tickets to wrestling.
I don't understand why you waste good money on that.
It's educational.
Eh, I don't know.
Okay, Saturday's out.
How about we go on a hike Sunday morning before it gets hot? You seem to have forgot.
Sunday morning is for church.
So, we skip church.
You seem to have forgot.
We don't skip church.
Mami, it's okay if we miss it one time.
It's not gonna kill us.
Oh, really? My great uncle Luisito skipped church, and on the same day, he was crushed by a runaway tractor.
Why don't you just go to church and then go hikin' after? We're Latinos, church takes all day.
By the time you're done with mass and you've said hello to fulano y fulana, - it's five o'clock! - Oh, you exaggerate.
4:30.
[Penelope clicks tongue.]
I wanna see these guys this weekend.
Come on.
'Cause I like them.
[chuckles.]
- [Alex and Elena chuckle.]
- Oh, no, I have to put my foot down.
Sundays we go to church And then, sometimes we go to Applebee's.
Well, I have a foot, too, and I'm gonna put my foot down and say this Sunday we're not going to church.
Well, I am putting both of my feet down.
We are going and that is the end of it.
Ya! That's not your decision to make.
It's startin' to feel kinda like home in here.
I'm with Mom.
We don't need to go to church.
After all, Abuelita, you don't even believe half that stuff.
- I believe everything.
- [Elena.]
Really? When you take the communion you believe you're eating the actual flesh and blood of Jesus? Ay, no, it's a symbol.
Don't be gross.
Okay, so, if you believe that, then you're Protestant.
There is no need for name-calling.
All I know is that a good Catholic does not skip church.
Right, papito? I like church.
I see my friends.
I eat some donuts.
Now, this one gets it.
We're going.
No, we are not! I work hard all week.
When I get home, there's barely enough time to have a meal with the kids.
Weekends are my only chance.
So, this Sunday, no church.
End of discussion.
[speaking Spanish.]
- Ooh.
- [Carmen.]
Ooh.
[in English.]
What? What'd she say? I am raising my voice, because I cannot believe we're having this discussion! I'm their mother! I don't need to ask permission! I decide.
And I am your mother, and I decide what you decide.
We are a family, damn it! Don't make me choose between you.
Okay, I'd choose Lydia because of her warm food and even warmer hugs.
But I'd feel really bad about it.
All right, everybody, go do your homework.
Schneider, go call one of your moms.
Fine.
Guess I'll just go eat this all alone in front of my massive TV.
- Thought that was at your dad's house - I have one, too! - Ay.
- [door closes.]
Okay, Mami I love you, but I'm their mother and you're making decisions that I should be making.
- ¿Ah, s� - Yeah.
Like, I don't like the kids having dessert every night.
Oh, come on.
Es una cosita.
But we have to watch our sugar.
Dad had diabetes.
So, I killed your father? What? No! Mami, look around.
I told you, I don't want crosses and pope stuff everywhere.
My apartment looks like Jesus' Pinterest page.
This is my house, and I decide if I want obese kids or the pope staring at me while I pee.
Ah yo entiendo.
I cook, I clean, I teach the children manners But if I should have an opinion, you want me to keep my mouth shut.
Ay, exactly.
- Thank you for understanding - No! So I am a servant? Like Cinderella? No, Cinderbuela.
No more! You don't like what I am doing, I won't do it.
- Mami, please.
- I'll be in my servant's quarters.
Slam! I have to say "slam" because you would not give me a door! [alarm beeps.]
[Latin music playing over stereo.]
What? Eso Yeah! Oh.
Where's Abuelita? - Pouting.
- Where's breakfast? Working on it.
Where's breakfast? I'm I'm working on it.
Where are my pants? You're kidding, right? How can you not know where your pants are at? Abuelita washed them.
She said my cuffs looked shabby.
Who am I to disagree? All right, Mami, you win! Where are Alex's pants? [Latin music continues playing.]
Where's Abuelita? She's small.
She's probably under something.
[music stops playing.]
Kids I think your abuelita has run away from home.
[knocking on door.]
[clears throat.]
- Hello, Schneider.
Listen, have you - Wow! I always forget how huge your apartment is.
Nah, come on, it's not that big.
But let's talk in the parlor.
Schneider, have you seen my mom? Gosh, no.
[sniffs.]
Then why do I smell fried plantains and Cuban coffee? Fine! She spent the night.
But I want you to know, nothing happened.
What were you thinking, chasin' that woman away? She's funny, she's charming, and when she gets angry, she cleans.
- Where is she? - [Schneider.]
I don't know.
After last night's ugliness, she spent the night and left without saying goodbye, so she already knows the drill.
Unlike some people.
What was that? And why was she drinking my coffee? Well, when my family oasis blew up last night, I had to seek solace in the arms of I don't know her name.
Your mom called her the "Stick Girl" and made her eat plato de huevos.
Did Abuelita forget to give her her pants, too? Well, there's no reason to get lawyers involved.
My daughter.
Katie, if I raised my voice the other night, I'm sorry.
And I'm sorry for that, too.
And that.
No, no, wait, wait, no.
Now I am not going to apologize for saying "unemployed," because that's what you are.
[laughs.]
You're so sensitive.
[imitates gunshot.]
And, sweetheart, I just want you to be honest with yourself and ask what happens if your self-published vampire erotica doesn't take off.
No, no, of course, I believe in you.
[stutters.]
It's And she's gone.
[sighs.]
Well, you know how kids are.
Thirty-seven is a rough age.
Any word from your mom? No, but I'm sure she's home talking crap about me with Juan Pablo and Benedicto.
Has she ever disappeared like this before? No, usually when we fight, she does the opposite of go away.
She just sighs really loudly.
[imitates Lydia.]
"Ay!" [normal.]
Anything to draw attention to the fact that she's wounded and nearby.
[stutters.]
My ex used to have a sigh, too.
It went like this [inhales deeply.]
"I hate you!" I still miss her.
I just I don't I don't have time for this drama, you know? I got work, I got bills, I got kids.
Well, doesn't she help out? Yeah, she gets the groceries, cooks, cleans, spends time with the kids, does the laundry Sounds like she does everything.
Well, it does when I say it out loud.
She's also turning my apartment into the Sistine Chapel.
That must look amazing.
- Okay, I'm not explaining this right.
- [cell phone rings.]
Wait, hold on.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, Schneider, I am just about to leave.
What's up? I just came down to get my afternoon café con leche and kiss on the cheek from your mom, - but she's still not here.
- What? But don't worry, though.
I got this.
All three kids are fine.
- Three? - Yeah.
Carmen, Elena's best friend? We have got to catch you up.
I know who Carmen is.
She's the ghost who ate all my chicken.
Hi, Ms.
Alvarez.
[Schneider.]
Takin' you off speaker.
Great.
Now she's gonna send her flying monkeys after me.
- And now you're off speaker.
- Schneider! Oh, my God.
Anyway [sighs.]
I appreciate you helping me out.
Ah, it's cool.
I had to get out of my apartment.
Stick Girl is still up there.
I called her an Uber this morning.
The guy never showed.
Maybe it's a sign.
Should I marry her? Schneider, I gotta go.
Okay, now I'm worried.
She's never not been home when the kids get there.
And plus, she's 70.
One wrong move and she's down.
You know, the entire world is one giant, wet bathroom floor.
- [stutters.]
Any idea where she could be? - No, none.
Huh Where would a devout Catholic woman go after an argument with her daughter about religion? [scoffs.]
Thank you, Dr.
Berkowitz.
Thank you.
But we need to answer the question.
[sighs.]
Hi, Mami.
So, you just assumed I was here? Because I'm an ignorant, old woman married to prayer? But you are here.
Still you shouldn't stereotype.
- Hi, Birdie.
- [chuckles.]
She is such a suck-up.
She thinks she's tan fancy because her four grandsons are altar boys.
Guataca.
[scoffs.]
Move over.
- Ah-ah! - Oh! [sighs.]
So have you been here all day? Getting decorating ideas? No I have been riding around this morning in something called el Uber.
Oh, wow.
That must've been expensive.
Schneider set it up.
I think it's free.
[laughing.]
Oh, I think that car was for Stick Girl.
Oh, her.
Mami I feel terrible about our argument, but we gotta talk about some things.
Okay.
But you must keep your voice down, because you-know-who just put in new batteries.
So I may have overreacted last night, but you have to understand, I'm not gonna be a mom for much longer.
Elena is having her quinces.
Alex is already using hair gel.
And, you know, soon they're gonna be out of the house.
I just I need you to give me more space to parent.
I understand what you are saying.
- [crying.]
Don't put me in a home.
- What? What, Mami? No, no.
I wouldn't I'm not gonna do I would never do that.
I would never do that! - Ever.
- [mumbles.]
- Oh, no? - No! I would never put you in a home.
- Mami, where is this coming from? - [sighs.]
Your abuela [sniffles.]
Berto's mama, used to live with us And all day long, she would slice onions the most beautiful paper-thin onions.
I remember.
Nobody could slice an onion like Abuela.
Well, it's not that hard.
You need a sharp knife, that's all.
But it made her feel useful.
Problem was, we hated onions.
So, one day we told her.
The next week, dead.
Oh that's terrible.
I know.
I still get teary when I [stutters.]
slice an onion.
[sobbing.]
Mami, you are the glue that holds our home together.
Without you, we'd be on the street living in a cardboard box.
[sighs.]
You're just saying that to cheer me up.
- No.
- [sniffles.]
I'm really not.
We need you.
So, Mami could you make me un cafecito in the morning for the rest of my life? [sighs.]
[sniffles.]
Claro.
[Birdie.]
Aw She is like a bat! Shall we? Yes.
And we'll be back Sunday, anyways.
Yeah, you know, we'll talk about that later.
We'll talk What's to talk about? Well [stutters and chuckles.]
I'm just not sure I wanna go to church [softly.]
Maybe ever again.
What? She said she didn't want to go to church.
- [dinging.]
- Mami! Don't do that! Mami, por favor, vámonos ya, - please! - You go on.
I will pray for your eternal soul And then call el Uber.
[all.]
Hi! Welcome home, Lupita! We already started, but I insisted nobody say anything interesting till you got here.
Aw, that's so sweet.
It's been weird.
Did you find Abuelita? Yeah, she's with Jesus now.
- [Elena and Alex.]
What? - [Penelope.]
No, no! Sorry.
She's at church.
Uh, poor choice of words.
[stuttering.]
Um, church.
Uh, whoa! What do we have here? Oh, nothing special, just some nutted quinoa, wilted broccolini with radish micro-greens, and venison carpaccio on a bed of nettles.
Grab a cedar plank and dig in.
Big change from Abuelita's cooking, huh? You like it? I can't wait to have eaten it.
I didn't think I would like nettles.
And I was right.
Well, I'm competing with perfection here.
It's okay, Schneider.
We all thank you for this very Caucasian meal.
And good to see you again, Elena's best friend, Carmen, you beautiful weirdo.
I'm sorry things got crazy the other night.
That's that's not us.
Seems like us.
We have all kinds of arguments in my family.
I have two brothers.
One's a priest, one's a witch, so I am really glad I'm getting to know you better, Carmen.
[door opens.]
Hello! - [Elena.]
Oh! - [Schneider.]
Oh, thank God! I am so glad you're home.
I was wilting under the pressure to be you.
Oh, hello, babies.
I'm sure you did fine.
Who threw up on the table? What were you doing all day? Oh, you know, saying my Rosary, praying for the departed souls Asking forgiveness for your mother.
- Mami.
- Why? Oh, didn't she tell you? She's no longer going to church.
Ever.
We can do that? You can't.
We will all go together.
Us.
Your mother will go hiking with Satan.
Yeah, and then we'll go to Applebee's.
'Cause Satan loves the Fiesta Lime Chicken! So, I guess you want to take my grandchildren to hell with you.
I don't wanna go to hell.
There is no hell.
Don't worry, papito, there is.
Okay! You you really wanna do this? All right, let's do this.
I am not even sure I even believe in God, okay? [all gasp.]
Hardcore.
Oye, you're so smart.
If God doesn't exist, who made all of this? Target.
Okay, can we agree that if there is a God, it's gender-neutral, not a he or a she? No! God is a man.
If he were a woman, there would be less problems.
Pobrecito God.
He tries so hard.
Look, Mami, I get it.
You like going to church.
It's habit.
You put on lipstick, you get dressed up, you see your friends, you gossip "Oye.
La nieta de Olguitita got new tetas.
" It's your little social club, Mami, and that's fine.
It is more than that.
I pray.
I seek forgiveness.
And I am so glad that that gives you comfort.
But that doesn't mean that God exists, okay? I'm sorry.
He kept you safe.
Every day that you were gone, he kept you safe.
My little girl says she wants to go in the Army, and then the Army sends her to Afghanistan where she is getting shot at and I don't even know what else Have you any idea how much I worried? When you were deployed, I went to church every day and I prayed that he would keep you safe.
[sniffles.]
And he did.
So don't you tell me about God.
I know that God exists.
And he is great.
[sobbing.]
Mami, I'm sorry.
- Perdón.
Lo siento.
- [sniffles.]
I had no idea.
You know, you went missing for one day and I was worried sick.
I can't imagine what it must feel like to worry all those years.
Ay, sÃ.
All those years putting up with Birdie, with her terrible hairdos and her smelly bad breath.
[sobbing.]
- Look - [sniffles.]
I still wear the cross you gave me.
[gasps.]
So you do believe.
No, I don't wear it because it's a cross.
I wear it because you gave it to me.
I don't understand the difference, so please just let me have this.
- Okay.
- [both sobbing.]
So, are we going to church or not? Yes.
Wait, no.
Wait Sometimes, okay? - Sometimes, okay? - Yeah.
Well, at least at least Christmas and Easter.
[sniffles.]
And one other time, so we are not those people.
And I'm not saying God doesn't exist.
In fact, I check in with him constantly, you know, like, "Please, God, don't let Elena come home with a face tattoo.
" [exhales.]
And, Mami, I am glad that you find comfort in church.
I just find it in different places.
You know, once in Afghanistan I came out of 20 hours of surgery, and I was so tired.
I went into the break room and Serena Williams was on TV.
She was so focused.
She was making these impossible shots.
[stutters.]
And I just kept thinking about everything that she had to go through to get to where she is.
All the hours of sacrifice, all the practice.
And then I just felt like, "Okay if she can do that, then I can do this.
" That's how I feel when I watch John Cena.
Yes.
Exactly.
[stuttering.]
Exactly.
Or Sonia Sotomayor or Death.
Everyone has something that inspires them.
Yo entiendo.
[clicks tongue.]
I also play Nintendo.
[alarm beeps.]
[Latin music playing over stereo.]
[mouthing.]
- Good morning.
- [both.]
Morning.
[music continues playing.]
[Latin music playing over stereo.]
[music continues playing.]
- Good morning.
- [both.]
Morning.
Ah.
You're amazing.
I know.
Mami, we already have crosses everywhere.
Do we really need a pope on the fridge? Oh, yes, because he is so inspiring.
You walk in to get a yogurt, you see him Hola, Papa.
Puts a smile on your face.
Well, why don't you put the pope in your room and go smile in there? [laughs.]
I already have two popes in my room.
Gracias very much.
Oh.
Oh, what's that, Papa? Are you lonely? You wanna be with your friends? Well [speaking Spanish.]
[continues speaking Spanish.]
[in English.]
He looks happy there.
[theme song playing in Spanish.]
You can probably dump that whole thing on there.
[laughs.]
Next time.
- [chuckles.]
- [door slams.]
[all.]
Hi! Welcome home, Lupita.
We are almost done, but there is plenty left.
Aw.
Dinner with my entire family And Schneider.
Yes, I invited him again.
He's an orphan.
Do orphans always have rich dads who buy them buildings? Hey, I may have money in the bank and two living parents, and four living stepmothers but there is a hole in here.
We never had family meals.
I ate alone in front of the TV.
Ay, pobrecito Schneider.
Oh, don't get me wrong.
It was a massive TV.
Sometimes my nanny would join me, but only if I agreed to watch telenovelas.
Ooh, those are so over the top.
Right? This one time, Rosa got jealous of the housekeeper 'cause she was makin' a move on her man, so she threatened to throw live scorpions on her while she slept.
Sounds good.
Which one was that? Oh, no.
Rosa was my nanny.
Ex-nanny.
Now, stepmother.
[sighs.]
I am so glad to be here.
I'm just glad to be home with everybody.
Who the hell are you? [scoffs.]
This is Carmen, my best friend.
I'm doing my history project with her.
These all sound like things I should know.
Hi, Carmen.
Hi.
[sighs.]
Ah.
[grunts.]
I'm Penelope.
Kind of a big deal around here.
So, uh, what's this history project you're working on? And then maybe later you can show me how to turn into a bat.
Well, we just got done explaining the whole thing.
Oh, come on, mija, I missed it.
Oh, no, wait, wait, wait.
Alex, tell your mother that funny story that happened in chemistry class.
- Again? - I know, okay, I'll tell it.
[chuckles.]
So, there is the floor and slip.
[laughing.]
[Schneider laughs.]
Oh, that Dylan.
Oh, that story never gets old.
- [laughs.]
- [Penelope.]
Oh, man.
I've been workin' so much, I'm missing all the scoops plus Latina Twilight over here.
Careful.
There's a lot of garlic in that chicken.
Your mom's kind of mean.
I'm obsessed with her.
Who would like a pastelito? Mmm! You know what? How about we go on a family hike this Saturday like we used to? Mom, uh, Carmen and I need all Saturday for our history thing.
Yeah, and Abuelita and I have tickets to wrestling.
I don't understand why you waste good money on that.
It's educational.
Eh, I don't know.
Okay, Saturday's out.
How about we go on a hike Sunday morning before it gets hot? You seem to have forgot.
Sunday morning is for church.
So, we skip church.
You seem to have forgot.
We don't skip church.
Mami, it's okay if we miss it one time.
It's not gonna kill us.
Oh, really? My great uncle Luisito skipped church, and on the same day, he was crushed by a runaway tractor.
Why don't you just go to church and then go hikin' after? We're Latinos, church takes all day.
By the time you're done with mass and you've said hello to fulano y fulana, - it's five o'clock! - Oh, you exaggerate.
4:30.
[Penelope clicks tongue.]
I wanna see these guys this weekend.
Come on.
'Cause I like them.
[chuckles.]
- [Alex and Elena chuckle.]
- Oh, no, I have to put my foot down.
Sundays we go to church And then, sometimes we go to Applebee's.
Well, I have a foot, too, and I'm gonna put my foot down and say this Sunday we're not going to church.
Well, I am putting both of my feet down.
We are going and that is the end of it.
Ya! That's not your decision to make.
It's startin' to feel kinda like home in here.
I'm with Mom.
We don't need to go to church.
After all, Abuelita, you don't even believe half that stuff.
- I believe everything.
- [Elena.]
Really? When you take the communion you believe you're eating the actual flesh and blood of Jesus? Ay, no, it's a symbol.
Don't be gross.
Okay, so, if you believe that, then you're Protestant.
There is no need for name-calling.
All I know is that a good Catholic does not skip church.
Right, papito? I like church.
I see my friends.
I eat some donuts.
Now, this one gets it.
We're going.
No, we are not! I work hard all week.
When I get home, there's barely enough time to have a meal with the kids.
Weekends are my only chance.
So, this Sunday, no church.
End of discussion.
[speaking Spanish.]
- Ooh.
- [Carmen.]
Ooh.
[in English.]
What? What'd she say? I am raising my voice, because I cannot believe we're having this discussion! I'm their mother! I don't need to ask permission! I decide.
And I am your mother, and I decide what you decide.
We are a family, damn it! Don't make me choose between you.
Okay, I'd choose Lydia because of her warm food and even warmer hugs.
But I'd feel really bad about it.
All right, everybody, go do your homework.
Schneider, go call one of your moms.
Fine.
Guess I'll just go eat this all alone in front of my massive TV.
- Thought that was at your dad's house - I have one, too! - Ay.
- [door closes.]
Okay, Mami I love you, but I'm their mother and you're making decisions that I should be making.
- ¿Ah, s� - Yeah.
Like, I don't like the kids having dessert every night.
Oh, come on.
Es una cosita.
But we have to watch our sugar.
Dad had diabetes.
So, I killed your father? What? No! Mami, look around.
I told you, I don't want crosses and pope stuff everywhere.
My apartment looks like Jesus' Pinterest page.
This is my house, and I decide if I want obese kids or the pope staring at me while I pee.
Ah yo entiendo.
I cook, I clean, I teach the children manners But if I should have an opinion, you want me to keep my mouth shut.
Ay, exactly.
- Thank you for understanding - No! So I am a servant? Like Cinderella? No, Cinderbuela.
No more! You don't like what I am doing, I won't do it.
- Mami, please.
- I'll be in my servant's quarters.
Slam! I have to say "slam" because you would not give me a door! [alarm beeps.]
[Latin music playing over stereo.]
What? Eso Yeah! Oh.
Where's Abuelita? - Pouting.
- Where's breakfast? Working on it.
Where's breakfast? I'm I'm working on it.
Where are my pants? You're kidding, right? How can you not know where your pants are at? Abuelita washed them.
She said my cuffs looked shabby.
Who am I to disagree? All right, Mami, you win! Where are Alex's pants? [Latin music continues playing.]
Where's Abuelita? She's small.
She's probably under something.
[music stops playing.]
Kids I think your abuelita has run away from home.
[knocking on door.]
[clears throat.]
- Hello, Schneider.
Listen, have you - Wow! I always forget how huge your apartment is.
Nah, come on, it's not that big.
But let's talk in the parlor.
Schneider, have you seen my mom? Gosh, no.
[sniffs.]
Then why do I smell fried plantains and Cuban coffee? Fine! She spent the night.
But I want you to know, nothing happened.
What were you thinking, chasin' that woman away? She's funny, she's charming, and when she gets angry, she cleans.
- Where is she? - [Schneider.]
I don't know.
After last night's ugliness, she spent the night and left without saying goodbye, so she already knows the drill.
Unlike some people.
What was that? And why was she drinking my coffee? Well, when my family oasis blew up last night, I had to seek solace in the arms of I don't know her name.
Your mom called her the "Stick Girl" and made her eat plato de huevos.
Did Abuelita forget to give her her pants, too? Well, there's no reason to get lawyers involved.
My daughter.
Katie, if I raised my voice the other night, I'm sorry.
And I'm sorry for that, too.
And that.
No, no, wait, wait, no.
Now I am not going to apologize for saying "unemployed," because that's what you are.
[laughs.]
You're so sensitive.
[imitates gunshot.]
And, sweetheart, I just want you to be honest with yourself and ask what happens if your self-published vampire erotica doesn't take off.
No, no, of course, I believe in you.
[stutters.]
It's And she's gone.
[sighs.]
Well, you know how kids are.
Thirty-seven is a rough age.
Any word from your mom? No, but I'm sure she's home talking crap about me with Juan Pablo and Benedicto.
Has she ever disappeared like this before? No, usually when we fight, she does the opposite of go away.
She just sighs really loudly.
[imitates Lydia.]
"Ay!" [normal.]
Anything to draw attention to the fact that she's wounded and nearby.
[stutters.]
My ex used to have a sigh, too.
It went like this [inhales deeply.]
"I hate you!" I still miss her.
I just I don't I don't have time for this drama, you know? I got work, I got bills, I got kids.
Well, doesn't she help out? Yeah, she gets the groceries, cooks, cleans, spends time with the kids, does the laundry Sounds like she does everything.
Well, it does when I say it out loud.
She's also turning my apartment into the Sistine Chapel.
That must look amazing.
- Okay, I'm not explaining this right.
- [cell phone rings.]
Wait, hold on.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, Schneider, I am just about to leave.
What's up? I just came down to get my afternoon café con leche and kiss on the cheek from your mom, - but she's still not here.
- What? But don't worry, though.
I got this.
All three kids are fine.
- Three? - Yeah.
Carmen, Elena's best friend? We have got to catch you up.
I know who Carmen is.
She's the ghost who ate all my chicken.
Hi, Ms.
Alvarez.
[Schneider.]
Takin' you off speaker.
Great.
Now she's gonna send her flying monkeys after me.
- And now you're off speaker.
- Schneider! Oh, my God.
Anyway [sighs.]
I appreciate you helping me out.
Ah, it's cool.
I had to get out of my apartment.
Stick Girl is still up there.
I called her an Uber this morning.
The guy never showed.
Maybe it's a sign.
Should I marry her? Schneider, I gotta go.
Okay, now I'm worried.
She's never not been home when the kids get there.
And plus, she's 70.
One wrong move and she's down.
You know, the entire world is one giant, wet bathroom floor.
- [stutters.]
Any idea where she could be? - No, none.
Huh Where would a devout Catholic woman go after an argument with her daughter about religion? [scoffs.]
Thank you, Dr.
Berkowitz.
Thank you.
But we need to answer the question.
[sighs.]
Hi, Mami.
So, you just assumed I was here? Because I'm an ignorant, old woman married to prayer? But you are here.
Still you shouldn't stereotype.
- Hi, Birdie.
- [chuckles.]
She is such a suck-up.
She thinks she's tan fancy because her four grandsons are altar boys.
Guataca.
[scoffs.]
Move over.
- Ah-ah! - Oh! [sighs.]
So have you been here all day? Getting decorating ideas? No I have been riding around this morning in something called el Uber.
Oh, wow.
That must've been expensive.
Schneider set it up.
I think it's free.
[laughing.]
Oh, I think that car was for Stick Girl.
Oh, her.
Mami I feel terrible about our argument, but we gotta talk about some things.
Okay.
But you must keep your voice down, because you-know-who just put in new batteries.
So I may have overreacted last night, but you have to understand, I'm not gonna be a mom for much longer.
Elena is having her quinces.
Alex is already using hair gel.
And, you know, soon they're gonna be out of the house.
I just I need you to give me more space to parent.
I understand what you are saying.
- [crying.]
Don't put me in a home.
- What? What, Mami? No, no.
I wouldn't I'm not gonna do I would never do that.
I would never do that! - Ever.
- [mumbles.]
- Oh, no? - No! I would never put you in a home.
- Mami, where is this coming from? - [sighs.]
Your abuela [sniffles.]
Berto's mama, used to live with us And all day long, she would slice onions the most beautiful paper-thin onions.
I remember.
Nobody could slice an onion like Abuela.
Well, it's not that hard.
You need a sharp knife, that's all.
But it made her feel useful.
Problem was, we hated onions.
So, one day we told her.
The next week, dead.
Oh that's terrible.
I know.
I still get teary when I [stutters.]
slice an onion.
[sobbing.]
Mami, you are the glue that holds our home together.
Without you, we'd be on the street living in a cardboard box.
[sighs.]
You're just saying that to cheer me up.
- No.
- [sniffles.]
I'm really not.
We need you.
So, Mami could you make me un cafecito in the morning for the rest of my life? [sighs.]
[sniffles.]
Claro.
[Birdie.]
Aw She is like a bat! Shall we? Yes.
And we'll be back Sunday, anyways.
Yeah, you know, we'll talk about that later.
We'll talk What's to talk about? Well [stutters and chuckles.]
I'm just not sure I wanna go to church [softly.]
Maybe ever again.
What? She said she didn't want to go to church.
- [dinging.]
- Mami! Don't do that! Mami, por favor, vámonos ya, - please! - You go on.
I will pray for your eternal soul And then call el Uber.
[all.]
Hi! Welcome home, Lupita! We already started, but I insisted nobody say anything interesting till you got here.
Aw, that's so sweet.
It's been weird.
Did you find Abuelita? Yeah, she's with Jesus now.
- [Elena and Alex.]
What? - [Penelope.]
No, no! Sorry.
She's at church.
Uh, poor choice of words.
[stuttering.]
Um, church.
Uh, whoa! What do we have here? Oh, nothing special, just some nutted quinoa, wilted broccolini with radish micro-greens, and venison carpaccio on a bed of nettles.
Grab a cedar plank and dig in.
Big change from Abuelita's cooking, huh? You like it? I can't wait to have eaten it.
I didn't think I would like nettles.
And I was right.
Well, I'm competing with perfection here.
It's okay, Schneider.
We all thank you for this very Caucasian meal.
And good to see you again, Elena's best friend, Carmen, you beautiful weirdo.
I'm sorry things got crazy the other night.
That's that's not us.
Seems like us.
We have all kinds of arguments in my family.
I have two brothers.
One's a priest, one's a witch, so I am really glad I'm getting to know you better, Carmen.
[door opens.]
Hello! - [Elena.]
Oh! - [Schneider.]
Oh, thank God! I am so glad you're home.
I was wilting under the pressure to be you.
Oh, hello, babies.
I'm sure you did fine.
Who threw up on the table? What were you doing all day? Oh, you know, saying my Rosary, praying for the departed souls Asking forgiveness for your mother.
- Mami.
- Why? Oh, didn't she tell you? She's no longer going to church.
Ever.
We can do that? You can't.
We will all go together.
Us.
Your mother will go hiking with Satan.
Yeah, and then we'll go to Applebee's.
'Cause Satan loves the Fiesta Lime Chicken! So, I guess you want to take my grandchildren to hell with you.
I don't wanna go to hell.
There is no hell.
Don't worry, papito, there is.
Okay! You you really wanna do this? All right, let's do this.
I am not even sure I even believe in God, okay? [all gasp.]
Hardcore.
Oye, you're so smart.
If God doesn't exist, who made all of this? Target.
Okay, can we agree that if there is a God, it's gender-neutral, not a he or a she? No! God is a man.
If he were a woman, there would be less problems.
Pobrecito God.
He tries so hard.
Look, Mami, I get it.
You like going to church.
It's habit.
You put on lipstick, you get dressed up, you see your friends, you gossip "Oye.
La nieta de Olguitita got new tetas.
" It's your little social club, Mami, and that's fine.
It is more than that.
I pray.
I seek forgiveness.
And I am so glad that that gives you comfort.
But that doesn't mean that God exists, okay? I'm sorry.
He kept you safe.
Every day that you were gone, he kept you safe.
My little girl says she wants to go in the Army, and then the Army sends her to Afghanistan where she is getting shot at and I don't even know what else Have you any idea how much I worried? When you were deployed, I went to church every day and I prayed that he would keep you safe.
[sniffles.]
And he did.
So don't you tell me about God.
I know that God exists.
And he is great.
[sobbing.]
Mami, I'm sorry.
- Perdón.
Lo siento.
- [sniffles.]
I had no idea.
You know, you went missing for one day and I was worried sick.
I can't imagine what it must feel like to worry all those years.
Ay, sÃ.
All those years putting up with Birdie, with her terrible hairdos and her smelly bad breath.
[sobbing.]
- Look - [sniffles.]
I still wear the cross you gave me.
[gasps.]
So you do believe.
No, I don't wear it because it's a cross.
I wear it because you gave it to me.
I don't understand the difference, so please just let me have this.
- Okay.
- [both sobbing.]
So, are we going to church or not? Yes.
Wait, no.
Wait Sometimes, okay? - Sometimes, okay? - Yeah.
Well, at least at least Christmas and Easter.
[sniffles.]
And one other time, so we are not those people.
And I'm not saying God doesn't exist.
In fact, I check in with him constantly, you know, like, "Please, God, don't let Elena come home with a face tattoo.
" [exhales.]
And, Mami, I am glad that you find comfort in church.
I just find it in different places.
You know, once in Afghanistan I came out of 20 hours of surgery, and I was so tired.
I went into the break room and Serena Williams was on TV.
She was so focused.
She was making these impossible shots.
[stutters.]
And I just kept thinking about everything that she had to go through to get to where she is.
All the hours of sacrifice, all the practice.
And then I just felt like, "Okay if she can do that, then I can do this.
" That's how I feel when I watch John Cena.
Yes.
Exactly.
[stuttering.]
Exactly.
Or Sonia Sotomayor or Death.
Everyone has something that inspires them.
Yo entiendo.
[clicks tongue.]
I also play Nintendo.
[alarm beeps.]
[Latin music playing over stereo.]
[mouthing.]
- Good morning.
- [both.]
Morning.
[music continues playing.]