Only Fools and Horses (1981) s01e03 Episode Script

Ah, you made it Rodders, good! Well done my son.
You've got a bloody nerve you have Del, phoning me up at home and demanding I come down here and pick you up! What could I do Rodney? What - what could I - listen, look I've got the Vauxhall Velox outside haven't I, eh, and I've had a few, you know what I mean, a few drinky poos and I thought to myself, what, I could get a little old mini- cab and then I thought to myself no, no, no, what is more impressive is more impressive is if you get your driver to come round and drive you home in your Vauxhall Volox - Vauxhall Velox! What do you mean impressive, eh? Who are you trying to impress? A contact Rodney! Contact.
New man in the area - stone rich, looking for 'business opportunities'.
We could earn out of this Rodders my little brother! Del, what you failed to realise is when you phoned I was in the flat with a friend! - Well why didn't you bring him with you? - It wasn't a he! Well, what is it then? Have you been up to naughties Rodney? No.
I just had a feeling something was going to develop! Develop! You've been playing with my Polaroid again haven't you, eh? No! - I'll just collect my coat Derek! - Alright.
No rush Vammil me old mucker! - Who? - VimmalVimmal Malikmy contact! Say no more! So he said 'She can't come now 'cos she's weighing the postman.
' 'ere, d'you fancy a nightcap Vimmal? I know a nice little pub that does late tasting, eh.
Thought you'd given me the slip did you Vimmal? Why don't you go away and leave me alone! I have no quarrel with you my friend.
It's this pig's behind Malik that I wish to see! - Friend of yours is he Vimmal? - He's no ones friend.
Listen John, I don't know what this barney's all about and I don't want to know! So why don't you chaps get out of the way before someone gets a smack in the ear! Right! Please, do not threaten me with violence my friend.
My colleague here is a second Dan in karate! And I'm a black belt in origami, now get out of my way! Watch him Del, watch his kari tari, mate.
I'll watch your bloody kari tari in a minute Rodney, just shut up will you! Police! - Rodney! You and Vimmal in the car quickly! - Right, let's go! Well it's been very pleasant meeting you both.
Have a nice evening won't you.
My friend! It's not good to part in such circumstances.
Could we talk? I've done all the talking I wanted to.
Goodnight each.
Rodney! I didn't mean drive off! What a plonker! Well, on second thoughts I quite fancy a nice little chat! Perhaps you could drop me off home after? Oh, oh dear, come on me old mate, come on.
No, you'll be alright.
Here, what happened? Ah John, that is twice, right? I think your brother has now arrived Mr Trotter.
Ah, yeah, could you excuse me a minute Mr Ram.
Excuse me.
Rodney! Del - are you alright son? I thought you was in bother! Oh, that's why it's taken you an hour an' half to get here is it? Didn't Grandad tell you that I phoned? Oh yeah, he told me! 'Del Boy's been captured by the Indians' he said.
I didn't know whether to phone the police of the Texas Rangers! If you were so worried at your brother, you know, you were so worried about me, how come it's taken you till twenty to one in the morning to come to me rescue? Because your telephone message lacked something in clarity, didn't it? You didn't tell Grandad which Indian restaurant you was in! I've been crashing through the doors of every curry house and take-away from Battersea Bridge to Colliers Wood tube station! I can now leap out of the Vauxhall Velox, Dukes of Hazzard fashion, make a chapati and say get stuffed in Urdu! - I forgive you, Rodney.
- Oh that's nice.
- Alright then.
- So there's gonna be trouble is there? - No, no, put that spoon down.
- Thank God for that! Right, come on.
Rodney I would like you to meet Mr Ram, he owns this restaurant.
Of course you know Oddjob don't you! Well - nice restaurant you've got here, Mr RamVeryerVery - Indian.
- Yeah, Indian! - Thank you.
- Sit down, sit down.
I was just telling your brother how well I've done since I came to Britain.
I now own 18 of these restaurants all together.
I also own a lot of land.
Yeah, yeah, Oddjob's got a couple of acres and all hasn't he? I am telling you now if I got into my car at nine o' clock in the morning, it would take me up till two in the afternoon to drive around my land.
Yeah, we had a car like that once eh? - What? - Don't matter.
So Mr Ram you and this, Vimmal, you've been having a bit of an up and downer then have you? Don't mention that name at this table.
It will sour the food.
What's it all about then? I'll tell you what it's all about Mr Trotter.
It's about truth - it's about righteousness, but above all it's about justice! Vimmal that pig's behind, has something that's rightfully mine! You see our families have been engaged in a vendetta for many, many years.
It goes right back to the days of the Old Empire.
He means the British Empire not the Kilburn! I know that! I know that - pray continue.
Now my family fought against the British whereas the Maliks family supported them! When the conquest of Mother India was finally complete the British Raj decided to reward the Maliks' loyalty by giving them my family's land! What, you mean they just took it off your family? That's correct.
They destroyed the home, they plundered the family's temple and then they sold the land.
The Maliks have built a business empire with the proceeds.
Here, couldn't you write to That's Life? - That's Life! - Yeah.
But this happened a century ago Mr Trotter! If Lord Krishna himself couldn't help us I really don't think Esther Rantzen would stand much chance! No, no, that was just a thought.
Oh - get off! Vimmal Malik has in his possession the one, single item that remains of my birthright.
It's a simple porcelain statuette of Kuvera.
You know of Kuvera? - Oh yeah.
- You don't know who Kuvera is! - Yes I do! - Alright tell us! - What? - Who is he? - Who? - Kuvera! EmWell erHe was, alright I don't know! There you are, see what I mean Mr Ram? He's got two 'O' Levels and he thinks he's Bamber Cascoigne's vest! Alright Mastermind, who is he then? Kuvera was one of India's premier wicket-keepers.
You berk! Kuvera is the Hindu god of wealth, from the second aspect of the Trimurti - the Hindu Trinity! Oh yeah, oh that Kuvera? Oh yeah, gotcha now, there was two of them see.
In worldly terms the statuette is off little value, but in religious and sentimental terms it's precious to me and I want it back, it's mine by right! I'm a rich man Mr Trotter, I shouldn't have to stoop to the kind of intimidation you witnessed tonight.
I'm prepared to buy it back from Vimmal Malik.
I would pay four thousand pounds! Four - four - four thousand pounds.
Well, why don't you just go and make him an offer? Oh it's impossible! It's this wretched cast-system you see.
He belongs to the high ceste and I belong to the low caste.
Oh no, don't put yourself down.
We cannot meet, talk or communicate in any manner! So you see my friends I am up a gum-tree without a paddle! It seems to me Mr Ram what you need is a mutual friend, you know.
Someone who can talk to the both of you, you know act as a sort of go-between! Perhaps you and your brother! What us? I suppose we could, I mean, cor, why didn't we think of that Rodney? I think one of us already did Del! If you help me to reclaim the statuette, I don't know how I'd ever reward you! Well I've always fancied one of those video recorders.
But no, no, pas de Basque.
Pas de Basque.
We'll go and see this Mr Vimmal tomorrow.
Um, four grand, right? Right.
Oh, but I must make one thing quite clear.
I don't trust this man Malik, you see he comes from a long line of swindlers! I won't part with a single penny until I have the statuette safely in my hands! Don't you worry, don't worry Mr Ram, me and Vimmal we're like that! Good job that we didn't call the police tonight.
Oh, what happened? I'm surprised at you Derek, and you also Rodney! How could you share a meal with that with that gutter dog? I thought you were my friends? We are your friends Vimmal me old mucker! Just trust me will you, trust me! You see this Mr Ram - the gutter dog - told us about the little misunderstanding that your two families have been having for the last 100 years or so! He also mentioned something about the statue of some god or another.
Of Kuvera, the god of wealth! Ah, that's him - that's the boy! Yeah well, yeah, well you know.
Well without beating about the bush, I mean to cut a long story short, well not to put too fine a point on it He wants to buy it off you! Buy it from me! He must have gone mad or he's been eating too many of his own curries! Buy it from me indeed! I wouldn't sell it to him if he offered me a million pounds! How much did he offer? Purely out of curiosity you understand.
- Er, two grand! - Two grand! I thought Mr Ram said Yeah, a grand, that is right Rodney but I persuaded him to double it! Two grand! No, no, no, I cannot sell it to him.
Two grand Vimmal me old mucker.
You know it's not to be sneezed at, is it, eh? I will not deny that I'm tempted Derek.
I thought of selling the statuette once before.
The most I was offered was a hundred and fifty pounds! Now look Vimmal, you see, I get the impression that you're not quite as rich and successful as you told me you were last night at the chamber of trade bash.
I mean, take a look at this place, it's hardly the Ritz is it, eh? More like the Nits! I will admit I have suffered some misfortunes in my business dealings of late.
So two grand on the hip would come in dead handy, eh? Two grand would come in handy as you say! But I cannot communicate with him, I'm of a high caste, he's a low caste! But you don't have to communicate with him Vimmal me old mucker.
That's where me and Rodders come in.
You see we're acting as the go-betweens! Even so I cannot accept this offer.
You see it would be like betraying my family.
The statuette was left to me by my father! You wouldn't understand what that means would you? - Oh yes, yes we would, wouldn't we Rodney? - Would we Del? Our - late mother - well she's dead now - she left us this family heirloom.
It was this Victorian globe.
It meant the world to us.
As he said it meant the world to us.
Yeah but there came the time when we fell upon stony ground.
- We fell upon stony ground did we? - Yes, we fell upon stony ground.
And the only thing we had of any value was - was this Victorian globe which we cherished! - You sold it? - Well, no, I raffled it down the betting shop! But, of course, you understand the sense of loss? Well not really, no, because by some stroke of fortune Del had the winning ticket! - I think it was Godor something! - You think I should sell it to him Derek? Yes, of course I do Vimmal me old mucker.
I mean, it's just an ancient piece of old religious pottery! And with two grand wisely invested.
I mean in a couple of years you could replace it with who knows what, a Capo Del Monte! And personally, anyway, I'm not - I'm sorry I've got to tell you this but I think that statue is cursed! - Cursed? - Oh leave it out Del! Do not underestimate the powers of darkness Rodney.
I mean for a god of wealth he ain't done Vimmal no favours has he, eh? I'm not a superstitious man Derek but I'm a business man and a realist I have decided to accept his offer! Well, you know it makes sense Vimmal! - Now just what's your - Do excuse me, won't you.
- Oh certainly, yes.
Now just what is your game Del? Ram offered four grand, how come you're only offering two? Slip of the tongue, Rodney.
Oh so when he comes back you won't mind me telling him the truth? No, don't you do that or otherwise he'll think I'm trying to con him.
- You are trying to con him! - No man is an island, Rodney.
I know that Del.
What I'm on about is the - what's that supposed to mean? What it means - what it - look the French have a saying, Rodney.
Bouillabaisse mon ami.
Bouillabaisse mon ami? That means fish stew, my friend! Need I say more.
Now don't try an' fob me off with your stupid French phrases.
You're trying to con him out of two thousand quidWe're going to get lumbered, Del How? Alright, say Ram and Vimmal meet and discuss the deal? That's the beauty of it, Ram and Vimmal cannot meet because of the wonderful caste system.
It's Christmas come early for us.
And anyway if it wasn't for kind-hearted people like you and me willing to act as go-betweens, Vimmal would end up with nothing.
And as it is two grand is better than a kick up the bot from Bobby Charlton innit, eh? - It's immoral.
- It's free enterprise.
- It's illegal then.
- Alright so it's against the law, and all.
But look, you and I can earn a grand a piece out of this.
- It's fraud.
- Are you in? Yeah, all right.
This is it is it Vimmal my old mucker? Oh, that is lovely that - wonderful workmanship.
Of course I'm a Ming fan myself, you know.
Oh yeah, he made some wonderful stuff didn't he that Ming, yeah.
- Pity he went and died hen he did weren't it, eh? - Ming was a dynasty, Derek! I don't care what he was Vimmal, he made a smashing vase.
Anyway, look we'll pop this round to Mr Ram and bring you back your two grand post haste as they say in Ancient Rome, alright? No, no, no, Derek.
This does not leave my sight until his money is on the table.
Ah? No, no, sorry, look you don't understand, you see.
'Cos he said that you won't get a penny until he has the statuette safely in his hands.
Alright.
I don't care what he said Derek, I do not trust the man - he comes from a long line of cheats.
You bring me his money first then you can take him the statue.
No but you see - you see he said - he said bring the statue and then - the you can have the money.
- I don't care what he said, Derek.
- He don't care what he said, Derek.
Yes I heard what he said.
I'll leave Rodney as a deposit.
Well what else can I do? I mean look he won't let that go till he gets the money and he won't have the money till he gets that.
Oh Gordon Bennett - this is classic this is, isn't it, eh? It's the bacon and egg situation all over again.
- It's the chicken and egg Del.
- We haven't got time to discuss food Rodney.
Talk to him, Derek.
Persuade him to submit to my terms.
After all you have influence over him, you have already persuaded him to double his offer from a grand to two grand.
Yeah, well alright.
Right Vim, I'll see what I can do then shall I, yeah? I'll get back to you.
Alright.
You know you er, right, stay loose.
Okay and don't you worry Vimmal.
I mean me and old Ram, we're like that, we're like, yeah.
Thanks.
Come on.
- What are we gonna do now? - Just forget the whole thing Del.
What do you mean forget the whole thing.
How can we forget the whole thing? Two grand up for grabs and you say forget it.
No, no, there's got to be another way round it.
There isn't.
Look, Ram won't pay a penny until he's got the statuette in his hands and Vimmal won't let the statuette go till he's got Ram's money.
Yeah cheers.
Yeah, what he thinks is Ram's money.
What you on about now? Well let's say, just for instance, that we had 2000 pounds lying around at home doing nothing in particular.
Just mooching about.
Yeah, you know, kicking its heels, that sort of thing.
And let's say that we - we gave Vimmal that 2000 pounds right and we pretend that we'd just collected from Mr Ram.
Well Vimmal, he wouldn't know any better, would he, eh? So thinking that he'd won the battle and, and as happy as a sand boy, he'd hand over the statuette which we would then whip round to Mr Ram who was also thinking that he'd won the battle, and being equally chuffed as a sand boy, would hand over to us We would get on our bike leaving them to play sandcastles.
Brilliant innit, eh? Yeah, there's only one problem I can see Del.
How the hell do we get 2000 pounds? You always bring little details up don't you, eh? We get it from a bank.
- What rob it? - Well, that's a No, no, no, we'll borrow it from a bank.
This is gilt-edge security innit? Del, you can't stroll into a bank and ask for a loan to help you pull off a con-trick.
Besides, we haven't got a bank account.
Oh well there's got to be another way of raising the money.
I mean there's just got to be.
Here, we're general traders aren't we? Well why don't we start trading generally.
I mean we could flog all our stock that we've got in the garage, couldn't we? We could sell the deep-freeze, the Vauxhall Velox.
Three-wheeled van? You're jesting, they'd want a tenner to take that away.
No we could flog Grandad's telly, we could flog - 'ere my jewellery, that would bring in enough, I mean it's 27 carat.
I thought it was nine carat! That was when I was buying, now I'm selling! We could sell that leather coat.
You're not talking about my leather coat are you? No, no, I'm talking about - have you got a leather coat? Oh we'll knock that one out and all Rodney, yeah that's a good idea.
Come on Del, we'll never raise two grand.
We can, RodneyYou can do anything if you want it hard enough.
We can do it Rodney, we can do it! - Yeah, yeah.
- Come on then.
Well, thanks a lot, it's tempus fugit then, eh? Where's your watch, Derek? My watch.
Oh, it's at the menders, I broke it last night playing you know, volleyball.
- I thought you were right-handed! - Me - no, no, no, no, I'm ambiguous.
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
A table for two? - No thank you.
- No thank you? - We'd like to see Mr Ram.
- Mr Ram? - The owner.
- The owner? Terrible echo in here ain't there, eh? Yeah we'd like to speak to the owner Mr Ram! The owner, Mr Ram? There it goes again.
What is the matter with it.
Now listen, listen, we would like to talk to the proprietor of this restaurant.
I am the proprietor of this restaurant.
- No, no, he don't understand.
- What's he on about? - We want to see the real owner, right.
- I am the real owner.
Alright, alright - listen - just wait.
Just watch my lips alright.
Where is Mr Ram? Look, I don't know any Mr bloody Rams.
So will you please leave.
You drunks always come here causing trouble.
Trouble! We're not drunks are we? Look, I was having a couple of meals here quite recently, you must remember me! I am sorry, you all look alike to me.
Alike, what's he talking about we all look alike.
What's the matter with him? He don'tnohe's making it up.
Look! Look, look my brother, right? That's me.
Was in here dining with a couple of Indian gentlemen.
Right? One was sort of large - large and aggressive.
Right? Big, and the other one - smaller.
How small? Well he's smaller than that weren't he - get down there.
About that big and more business-like and he had a beard - beard! He had a beard about that big.
- Oh, that Mr Ram! - Yes.
- I know who you are talking about now.
- At last.
He's the one who gave me a bouncy cheque.
A short while ago I went to the address which is written on the back.
He scarpered owing three weeks rent.
No, no, there must be a mistake! It's got to be a mistake.
I mean he told me he owned this restaurant.
He told me he owned 18 of them in fact.
Maybe he was fibbing! Fibbing! Maybe he was fibbing.
I've just given him You can get them in Portobello Road for seventeen pounds each! It's amazing what you can save if you shop around.
I've got a nose-bleed coming Rodney! He tried to tell me that the statue was cursed! You know he told me that he thought Kuvera was a wicket-keeper.
Let's see, now we've done Cardiff, Bristol, Southampton and now North and South London.
Where to now? Oh to Birmingham, then Manchester, then Newcastle, even maybe Liverpool.
In fact, anywhere where there're people who think they can exploit the religious bigotry of two stupid immigrants.
We'll be rich my friend, very rich! I'll drink to that, my old mucker! No sign of Vimmal.
No, he packed his bags and had it away on his toes five minutes after we left! As Macbeth said to Hamlet in A Midsummer Night's Dream, 'We've been done up like a couple of kippers.
' Right, let's go to the police.
Oh yeah, that's a good idea, that is - oh that's marvellous, we'd give them a good laugh down there couldn't we, eh? Can just imagine it? Trotter brothers conned out of two grand.
It'd be all over the manor in no time, we'd never be able to hold our heads up in court again! I don't know how people like Vimmal and his mate can sleep at night, honest I don't.
Lost everything.
Leather coats, Vauxhall Velox, Grandad's telly! I've just remembered something.
Grandad was renting that telly.
Oh teriffic, come on - let's get something to eat, I always feel emotionally peckish when I've been gutted.
Well there's a curry house down the road Del.
Only joking, Del Boy Del!