Our Cartoon President (2017) s01e03 Episode Script
Rolling Back Obama
1 Three white people on a couch It's Fox & Friends Don't believe anything you see, hear, or smell.
It's Fox & Friends.
Well, the witch hunt against men has claimed another victim, White House Staff Secretary Rob Porter.
He allegedly took part in some old-fashioned spousal roughhousing.
And now for a phone call that should feel unprecedented, but has become alarmingly routine it's President Donald Trump.
[President Trump.]
I'm freaking out over this story that I flew in a Playmate for sex.
I don't want it out there that I reimburse people for travel.
Fantastic.
So, the FBI gave the White House a report talking about this Porter stuff, but you never heard about it.
I still haven't, and nothing can ever change that.
Besides, the investigation wasn't even done.
You've got to let that evidence marinate, or it's gonna come out dry.
You're good with all this, right, Ainsley? I can't say that I am, because, as a woman with dignity Anyways, Mr.
President, what will you miss most about Rob Porter? So much the way he'd slam doors, and the way he would sprint down the hallways, screaming, "Lock me up before I do something bad!" [telephone beeping.]
Eric, get off the phone.
[Eric.]
I will have the rock shrimp tempura.
Eric! Lie in the tub until someone comes and gets you! - Sorry! - Rock shrimp tempura sounds delicious.
[Trump Jr.
.]
Someone tell Eric to get out of the tub.
I've got to take a shower.
I don't want him staring at my nads.
Eric, let your brother take a shower.
Mr.
President, when did Chief of Staff John Kelly learn about these allegations? Quick, Doocy, smother him with a pillow! It's Fox & Friends [music.]
Wow! How about this title, folks? [stately music.]
Donald, can't we watch something else? I'm sick of watching Fox News.
They're always repeating your opinions a few hours before you say them.
Melania, when we got married, we agreed that our relationship would never get in the way of my relationship with television.
People say a lot of crazy things on their wedding day.
[woman.]
You're watching PBS? [narrator.]
Welcome back to History's Greatest Presidents: 2009 to Present.
Oh, here we go! Enough already! At number one, it's Barack Obama.
Not only did he save the nation from economic Armageddon and kill enemy number one, he also looked and sounded good doing it.
I'm Showering love on you They must've made this list before I was born.
Donald, am I detecting a hint of jealousy? Please.
Melania, do you really think I'm so insecure that I would get jealous of Obama then lash out at, I don't know, some furniture he once used? [screaming.]
Sir Sir, you may need that later.
Just so you know, that desk has been in the White House - for over 140 years.
- Just once I'd like to power-saw through a national relic without someone riding my ass.
Man, I'm bushed.
If anyone asks where I am, just tell them that I woke up, power-sawed my desk, and am now bushed.
Mr.
President, I think we both know this isn't about the desk.
It's about your ongoing obsession with getting rid of all things Obama.
Come on.
Why would I be jealous of a guy with exhausting charisma, a distractingly bright smile, - and only one voice in his head? - Whatever the reason, perhaps if you got to work on building your own legacy, you wouldn't worry so much about Obama's.
Don't try to Freud me on this one.
I'm micropenis.
I mean, impenetrable.
[Jared.]
Could you clarify some of my assignments? I-I can kinda wrap my head around the Middle East thing, but I'm just not sure about, uh Let me see here renaming the Virgin Islands after your friends? Hello.
Just tell them St.
John changed genders and now goes by St.
Linda McMahon.
Great.
Well, that only leaves about 100 other things I got to do.
101.
I need you to find me a desk bigger than Obama's.
Something historically significant, but also with a hot-oil popcorn popper.
Hey, you guys notice anything different? I'll give you a hint.
[whispers.]
My desk is bigger.
Wow.
Well, that's certainly different than President Obama's desk.
Now, who is this Obama guy everyone's talking about? Was he the guy that left One Direction? You're thinking of Zayn.
Barack Obama was the 44th president of the United States.
Anyways.
Big rally in Arizona tomorrow night! Let's announce a fun new bill, you know, something that really makes people wonder if things can keep going on like this.
Maybe a bill saying all salads must be 90% crouton.
Well, Congress really isn't in the passing-bills business anymore.
It's more just a nice, warm place for members to launch talk-radio careers.
But if you want to go down that alley, we can enact the Bowles-Simpson Commission Recommendations on Fiscal Responsibility and Reform.
Bowl Soupson? What the hell is that? - Obama couldn't pass it.
- Done.
Put it in the prompter.
- Phonetically, sir? - Don't be a smartass.
Yes.
[President Trump.]
Wait till my big finale.
You'll see these pipes aren't just for waking up the kitchen staff at midnight.
Bing-bong bing-bing bing-bong bing-bong Bing-bong bing-bing bong-bing bung-bing-bong Wall.
Waaaaall.
Mr.
President, I've learned you're embracing the Bowles-Simpson cataclysm.
You're neglecting the beast.
- Tell me what the beast is again? - [sighs.]
The beast is your base.
And to feed the beast, you must scour Obama's globalist residue.
Stephen, you're a lovely man.
No one could put a McCafé cashier in her place like you can.
But I'm done feeding the beast.
If anyone's getting fed tonight, it's me.
[audience cheering.]
And to keep America alive and kicking, we need to pass the Bart Simpson Commission on Fiscal Responsibility and Reform, which would decre increase GDP outlays through 2035 through a combination of chained CPI and Jesus Christ discretionary spending caps? [man.]
What the fuck are you talking about? [crowd murmurs.]
Uh Showering love on you [man.]
Don't do that anymore.
Psst! Feed the beast.
What I meant to say was, let's kill Obamacare! [cheers and applause.]
[triumphant music.]
And anyone who was a citizen during his presidency is under investigation! [triumphant music.]
Bing-bong, bing-bing-bing-bing All will remember where they were when they heard President Trump's speech tonight.
His speech made the Gettysburg Address sound like a teen mom cursing out her slacker boyfriend at a Foot Locker.
- Thanks, Sean.
- Rest easy, sir.
- The beast is engorged.
- Nice work, Stevie.
But don't let it go to your head.
It's supposed to go to my head.
All right, here's the deal.
Jared, you said you need help.
Stevie, you clearly need friends.
I'm pairing you up.
Standard drill, fight to the death for my affection.
Hello, Jared Kushner.
We should grab three beers sometime.
- Uh, are y-you gonna invade my dreams? - Don't be silly.
We'll be friends of the highest order in this life or the next.
I mean, what are Stephen Miller and I supposed to even talk about? We don't have any of the same food allergies.
Jared, part of your job of being my dad's daughter's husband is to get along with colleagues, even the ones you can sense are staring at you three walls away.
[Miller.]
Welcome to the friendship, Jared Kushner.
I've brought you gift cantaloupes - from the food store.
- Ooh.
I'll leave you two alone in your "man cave.
" Congrats on your symmetrical wife.
Mr.
President, we have great news.
[both.]
We got the votes.
- We got 'em! - Oh, that's cool.
Votes for what? [popcorn kernels clanking.]
Are you kidding me, man? The Bowles-Simpson bill.
We called in every favor we possibly could.
We compromised our principles to such an extent that I no longer recognize the man I see in the mirror.
My wife oscillates between sobbing and screaming in my face that she wants her husband back, knowing full well that he's gone.
[chewing.]
Uh-huh.
So we're not doing that Bill Simpson thing.
Doesn't play.
No one cares.
I mean, I'm not trying to win President of the Year here.
- Feed the beast! - I'm getting to it, Stevie.
Hold your horses, if you haven't already beat them senseless.
Here's the plan, folks.
I will build my legacy based on what's worked for me from Day One, tearing down Obama's legacy.
People love the classics.
As soon as you start playing songs off the new album, everyone heads to the bathroom.
Here is my solemn pledge to you.
As long as I'm president, no one goes to the bathroom! [crowd shouting.]
[triumphant music.]
Stephen Miller's been hitting a lot of home runs lately, so I'm turning the team over to him today.
- Steve? - Well, well, well.
If it isn't everyone who doubted me.
Now look who's front and center at the table.
And what a fine table it is.
I might make it mine.
I have that power! Jesus, Stevie.
These are your friends.
Of course.
Sorry.
I would die for any of you.
Okay, I can already tell this might cut into TV time.
Let's keep this simple.
Ideas to destroy Obama's legacy.
Go.
What about we pull up all of Michelle's vegetables and replace them with beef shanks? We should claim Obama cheated when he won the Nobel Peace Prize because he wears hats, and we don't know if those hats hid additional brains.
Why don't you do what you always tell people you're gonna do, kill Obamacare? It's called an applause line, Pence.
Welcome to show business.
Any winners in there, Stevie? Write up a proposal for the beef thing.
But I want rancid slabs only.
Fun fact, I spent a summer abroad in a Latvian rendering pri plant.
Plant.
It's pronounced "plant," idiots! Before Obama came along, we were loving the housing bubble, right? Five houses.
Ten cars.
Working at a shoe store.
What could go wrong? It's time we got back to those good, old days.
That's where Nuch comes in.
Effective immediately, every American will receive an alarmingly generous housing loan.
All you have to do is successfully navigate your bank's revolving door and just tell them, "I know what a house is.
" Wow.
That sounds too good to be true.
Is there a downside? That's a good question, Mr.
President, and the answer is no.
Thank you for joining me for three beers.
Yeah, no problem.
Uh, so, where are you from? I was raised in Santa Monica, California.
- Liberal family.
You? - New Jersey.
Liberal family.
Uh, now they're all like, "Hey, why are you doing all this?" I understand completely.
It seems like just yesterday, I was mailing white powder to Sarah Lawrence, and now look at me, I'm basically president.
It's true.
I mean, you're the guy.
I guess I'm just here for advice.
Jared, what you said is appreciated.
First question, how do you tell a tall, thin boy - that you think he's cool? - I think you just did.
Good news, folks.
The housing bubble? It's getting big, and it's getting big fast.
Cover your eyes 'cause that baby's about to pop.
More good news! After Obama wouldn't let it die, we're finally putting the auto industry out of its misery! Soon we will release all of these deer and many more onto our nation's roadways, rendering vehicular travel impossibly deadly, therefore cratering the auto industry and reversing another one of Obama's terrible accomplishments.
Where will you find enough deer to cover the entirety of the interstate highway system? How dare you question my ability to put deers in estrus! If I arouse deer half as well as you waste my time, I think we'll be just fine! Wow.
How is this guy single? [music.]
[John.]
Time to finish the job that Obama finished.
And we're recovered Osama bin Laden's corpse for eventual re-killing.
Just so you know, sir, due to ocean conditions, the body is less a body and more a barnacle-covered jelly.
Grind those barnacles into my breakfast, squirt the jelly into a big doughnut, and initiate phase two.
[door closes.]
Don't worry.
We unplugged that thing months ago.
[announcer.]
Welcome to the most exciting night in football.
And now, please rise for the singing of the national anthem by Senior White House Advisor Stephen Miller! [Star-Spangled Banner plays.]
O say can you see, by the dawn's early light, what so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming? Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight o'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming? And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air, gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
O say does that star-spangled banner yet wave o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave? [cheers and applause.]
[announcer.]
And now, an announcement from the President of the United States.
[uplifting music.]
[panting.]
Oh, God.
You can do it.
Come on.
Come on.
Oh, God.
[music.]
[groans.]
I can do it! Good evening! Tonight, I can report to the American people and to the world that the United States has conducted a successful operation to capture Osama bin Laden's corpse! [cheers and applause.]
Now please direct your attention to the 30-yard line where we're going to kill Osama bin Laden way better than Obama ever did! [music.]
[skull thuds.]
Head counts, so it's good! [cheers and applause.]
[President Trump.]
Tremendous! You people are so great! In fact I'm Showering love on you [man.]
We don't like this.
Forget it! Goodnight, people! I'd say drive safe, but there's deer frickin' everywhere! - Whoo! - Whoo-whoo! - We did it! - We did it! - We did it! - Whoo! Let's go! I thought it was a really wonderful moment for America.
Suck my nuts, John Adams! We kicked a field goal with Osama bin Laden's head in front of 100 million people.
How do you top that? - So, how do we top it? - What are you talking about, man? We already kinda destroyed everything Obama did.
We only came in here today because we thought there'd be cake! Bite your tongue, or I'll bite it for you.
[making crunching noise.]
That's the sound it would make.
We need ideas, and we need them now.
We took Susan B.
Anthony off the silver dollar.
And went back to life sentences for crack smokers.
And sent SEAL Team Six to the Kenyan hall of records to find that Obama birth certificate.
Oh, I never really believed that, but the racists liked it.
I wasn't gonna tell those kids there's no Santa.
I'll say it again.
The beast must be fed.
A sprig of wheat will not suffice, nor grain, nor grape, nor fields of rice.
Okay, we get it.
You can rhyme foods.
I can do that, too.
Ham - Ham can - I have a few ideas.
We can rescind federal code Title 5.
- Shut up.
- You need a time out, mister.
- No! - Fuck you! - Oh, eat my ass.
- Psst! Hello? Mr.
President, are you okay? I can't believe there's nothing left to undo.
I guess I'll go see what happens when I put cake - in my popcorn maker.
- Wait, so there was cake? So I told that snowflake, "Give me a thicker tarantula, or I'm gonna stomp every turtle in this pet store.
" [laughs.]
Jared, is something wrong? You've only had five sips of your first beer.
Each beer is 10 to 12 sips, and we've got two more to go.
Stephen, I don't know if I can do this anymore.
Wow.
I cannot believe what I'm hearing.
What is the source of this problem? If you don't like the tarantulas, consider them stomped.
No, it's not just the tarantulas.
It It's, like, your whole thing, okay? - We're just not working.
- Oh, no.
You are not breaking up with me.
I am breaking up with you! You've made a powerful enemy.
Get out of my way! I went to Duke University, idiots! [door slams.]
Breaking news tonight.
President Trump has been unable to find another Obama initiative to kill, and as a result has fallen into a depression spiral that, according to our sources, no amount of chicken parts can cure.
They said, "Run for office.
You won't win, but it'll be fun.
You'll get a TV network out of it.
" And now look at me, tossing out red meat to a bunch of strangers.
Wall, Islam, Islam, blah, blah, blah.
You know what you should be more worried about? Your hearts exploding.
Coal miners, you're really thinking about the future.
I see so many kids walking around playing with coal.
What's your name? Jeff? Fuck you, Jeff! [Stephen.]
Hello, gentlemen.
- I'm your dad now.
- Excuse me? Your old father has been paralyzed.
- What?! - By his lack of self-worth.
You may refer to me as Father, Papa, or Stephen the Dad.
- Dude, this is bullshit! - Wash your mouth out! No television for a week! - You think I care? - Fine.
Two weeks.
- You tell him, Dad.
- Eric, shut up! Miller, let me let you in on a little secret here.
I've never been disciplined in my life, and I'm not about to start now.
That's it! Give me your phone.
- You're not seeing that girl any more.
- You mean my wife? Dude, you are seriously loco.
Eric, I'm proud of you.
I'm gonna take you to 7-Eleven and get you a big soda.
- Can I sit in the front? - Fine, but don't touch the radio.
That's Mommy's.
I'm also your mom.
[somber music.]
This is weird.
I don't know.
Maybe just make up something to goose him awake.
Good news, Mr.
President.
Congress has agreed to build the wall.
That would be cool if anything mattered.
I know what will cheer him up.
Hey, Donny, how would you like to take the nuclear football to Mar-a-Lago for the weekend, huh? - Pbht! - Okay, that's it.
He's gone.
[music.]
Say what you will about, uh, Mr.
Trump.
He certainly would bring some change to the White House.
[laughter.]
Is that what this is about? Yeah, you must have felt pretty humiliated that night, so humiliated you decided to run for president? Go away.
Sir, I once had a boss who humiliated me every day by putting his need to watch television and eat an entire sheet cake ahead of our nation.
But someday, I'm gonna write a shocking exposé that puts my boss in prison or worse! That's a beautiful story, but how does it relate to me? Your administration can't go on like this, Mr.
President.
You have two choices either let that night go or return to the battlefield.
Look, I've got a lot to think about.
I better get a full night's sleep.
[snoring.]
I got it! When's the next White House Correspondents' Dinner? - April.
- Move it to tomorrow and make sure Obama's there.
Consider it done, sir.
Should I give him a plus-one? Of course.
I'm not a monster.
[President Trump.]
All right, here's the plan.
I want to roast Obama like he roasted me, and I'm gonna need great material.
Jared, Stephen, you're the two funniest guys I know.
Start writing.
- We're sort of taking a break right now.
- Don't care.
If I can shred on guitar the first time I touch one, you two can learn to be friends again, okay? [Jared.]
Hey.
Uh, so, uh, where are your tarantulas, huh? I fed them to the python.
You've got a python?! [shudders.]
Where is it? I fed it to me.
My pizza was taking too long.
Cool.
Look, Stephen, I don't know what happened.
I thought we were doing great.
Things were just moving a little too fast for me.
I mean, I've never met someone like you.
This happens a lot.
I always assumed new friends were part of a deep-state conspiracy against me.
Upon further research, I realized that the government just doesn't have those resources.
What do you say we give this another shot? That would be great.
I just, uh, need a minute here.
Python meat is the prune juice of the animal kingdom.
[announcer.]
Tonight from the Washington Hilton, it's the hastily rescheduled White House Correspondents' Dinner.
The entire Beltway press corps is here for a night of fun and laughs with those they're supposed to hold accountable.
- Is Obama here? - Front-row center.
I told him Richard Branson would be here.
[music.]
[screaming.]
[screaming continues.]
[clears throat.]
- You sure this material's good? - Uh, I don't know.
I mean, Miller handled the Obama slams, I did the self-deprecating stuff.
Self-deprecating? What would I deprecate? That I don't know the meaning of "deprecate"? Well, they're on page two if you get desperate.
Stevie, I need you to warm up the crowd.
Sir, by the time I'm done with them, they'll be boiling hot and begging for mercy.
[chuckling.]
What a goofball! And now performing his original composition, Blood Is Destiny, Stephen Miller.
[heavy metal plays.]
Restore order, embolden ancestors.
- Blood is destiny.
- I love you, Stephen and Dad! - Oh, Jesus.
- # Blood is destiny # Wow, available wherever animals are tortured.
That was something.
But you know who isn't something? Barack Hussein Obama.
I mean, this guy couldn't keep Muslims out of his own family.
How could he keep them out of the United States? [man.]
Oh, my God.
You know the Obamas had a dog named Bo who would often say, "Ruff, ruff.
" That's a good description of his presidency, "Rough, rough.
" He also had a dog named Sunny.
How much dog can one man eat? [laughs.]
Oh! Killing it, real Dad.
Geez, these jokes are bigly crap.
[laughter.]
Crap like me? [laughter and applause.]
Psst! Page two! It's hard to figure out what's more ill-fitting this suit or me as president.
[laughter and applause.]
You know, I got to start watching what I eat.
I asked my insurance agent where I could be buried.
He started listing canyons.
[laughter.]
Canyons, folks.
My kids are great.
I mean, they're not too bright, though.
The other day, I caught Don Jr.
trying to unwrap a battery like a candy.
And he's the smart one! [laughs weakly.]
But seriously, folks, I got to tell you.
Me and Jesus have a lot in common.
He lugged around that huge cross.
I got to lug around my huge ass.
Where's my holiday? [laughter and applause.]
So, yeah, I hate myself.
Thank you! That's my time.
[cheers and applause.]
Oh, that's pretty funny stuff.
Not only was President Trump's White House Correspondence Dinner speech popular with his detractors, it also received resounding praise from his supporters who claim that Trump roasted himself far better than Obama ever did.
When we come back, my face.
Does it look the same upside-down? Look, I got to tell you.
I've never been more proud of how proud you guys are of me.
I'm proud of the work we've done here today, Jared, and the unthinkable work that is yet to come.
Now, let's go get three beers.
And I'm driving.
I want to plow into some deer.
Hey, what was that song about, anyway? Where do I begin? Okay, so, eugenics is this emerging science.
The audience loved you.
No one can humiliate you like yourself.
It felt tremendous, but who needs to roast Obama when I can melt your heart? Oh, no, Donald.
Please, don't sing song.
- # I'm # - Donald.
Showering love on you [Melania.]
If only you slept long enough for me to smother you.
[music.]
['80s-style pop music plays.]
# Donald Trump is the president # Donald Trump is the president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is Yes, he is, we elected him president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is We had a vote and elected him president Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump He is our president We made him president We did it Donald Trump is the president We elected Donald Trump Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president [vocalizing.]
# Yeah # Trump! [rock riff plays on guitar.]
Sir, it's 3 a.
m.
! Can we please go home? Hey, guitar, can they go home? [rock riff plays on guitar.]
That's a "no.
"
It's Fox & Friends.
Well, the witch hunt against men has claimed another victim, White House Staff Secretary Rob Porter.
He allegedly took part in some old-fashioned spousal roughhousing.
And now for a phone call that should feel unprecedented, but has become alarmingly routine it's President Donald Trump.
[President Trump.]
I'm freaking out over this story that I flew in a Playmate for sex.
I don't want it out there that I reimburse people for travel.
Fantastic.
So, the FBI gave the White House a report talking about this Porter stuff, but you never heard about it.
I still haven't, and nothing can ever change that.
Besides, the investigation wasn't even done.
You've got to let that evidence marinate, or it's gonna come out dry.
You're good with all this, right, Ainsley? I can't say that I am, because, as a woman with dignity Anyways, Mr.
President, what will you miss most about Rob Porter? So much the way he'd slam doors, and the way he would sprint down the hallways, screaming, "Lock me up before I do something bad!" [telephone beeping.]
Eric, get off the phone.
[Eric.]
I will have the rock shrimp tempura.
Eric! Lie in the tub until someone comes and gets you! - Sorry! - Rock shrimp tempura sounds delicious.
[Trump Jr.
.]
Someone tell Eric to get out of the tub.
I've got to take a shower.
I don't want him staring at my nads.
Eric, let your brother take a shower.
Mr.
President, when did Chief of Staff John Kelly learn about these allegations? Quick, Doocy, smother him with a pillow! It's Fox & Friends [music.]
Wow! How about this title, folks? [stately music.]
Donald, can't we watch something else? I'm sick of watching Fox News.
They're always repeating your opinions a few hours before you say them.
Melania, when we got married, we agreed that our relationship would never get in the way of my relationship with television.
People say a lot of crazy things on their wedding day.
[woman.]
You're watching PBS? [narrator.]
Welcome back to History's Greatest Presidents: 2009 to Present.
Oh, here we go! Enough already! At number one, it's Barack Obama.
Not only did he save the nation from economic Armageddon and kill enemy number one, he also looked and sounded good doing it.
I'm Showering love on you They must've made this list before I was born.
Donald, am I detecting a hint of jealousy? Please.
Melania, do you really think I'm so insecure that I would get jealous of Obama then lash out at, I don't know, some furniture he once used? [screaming.]
Sir Sir, you may need that later.
Just so you know, that desk has been in the White House - for over 140 years.
- Just once I'd like to power-saw through a national relic without someone riding my ass.
Man, I'm bushed.
If anyone asks where I am, just tell them that I woke up, power-sawed my desk, and am now bushed.
Mr.
President, I think we both know this isn't about the desk.
It's about your ongoing obsession with getting rid of all things Obama.
Come on.
Why would I be jealous of a guy with exhausting charisma, a distractingly bright smile, - and only one voice in his head? - Whatever the reason, perhaps if you got to work on building your own legacy, you wouldn't worry so much about Obama's.
Don't try to Freud me on this one.
I'm micropenis.
I mean, impenetrable.
[Jared.]
Could you clarify some of my assignments? I-I can kinda wrap my head around the Middle East thing, but I'm just not sure about, uh Let me see here renaming the Virgin Islands after your friends? Hello.
Just tell them St.
John changed genders and now goes by St.
Linda McMahon.
Great.
Well, that only leaves about 100 other things I got to do.
101.
I need you to find me a desk bigger than Obama's.
Something historically significant, but also with a hot-oil popcorn popper.
Hey, you guys notice anything different? I'll give you a hint.
[whispers.]
My desk is bigger.
Wow.
Well, that's certainly different than President Obama's desk.
Now, who is this Obama guy everyone's talking about? Was he the guy that left One Direction? You're thinking of Zayn.
Barack Obama was the 44th president of the United States.
Anyways.
Big rally in Arizona tomorrow night! Let's announce a fun new bill, you know, something that really makes people wonder if things can keep going on like this.
Maybe a bill saying all salads must be 90% crouton.
Well, Congress really isn't in the passing-bills business anymore.
It's more just a nice, warm place for members to launch talk-radio careers.
But if you want to go down that alley, we can enact the Bowles-Simpson Commission Recommendations on Fiscal Responsibility and Reform.
Bowl Soupson? What the hell is that? - Obama couldn't pass it.
- Done.
Put it in the prompter.
- Phonetically, sir? - Don't be a smartass.
Yes.
[President Trump.]
Wait till my big finale.
You'll see these pipes aren't just for waking up the kitchen staff at midnight.
Bing-bong bing-bing bing-bong bing-bong Bing-bong bing-bing bong-bing bung-bing-bong Wall.
Waaaaall.
Mr.
President, I've learned you're embracing the Bowles-Simpson cataclysm.
You're neglecting the beast.
- Tell me what the beast is again? - [sighs.]
The beast is your base.
And to feed the beast, you must scour Obama's globalist residue.
Stephen, you're a lovely man.
No one could put a McCafé cashier in her place like you can.
But I'm done feeding the beast.
If anyone's getting fed tonight, it's me.
[audience cheering.]
And to keep America alive and kicking, we need to pass the Bart Simpson Commission on Fiscal Responsibility and Reform, which would decre increase GDP outlays through 2035 through a combination of chained CPI and Jesus Christ discretionary spending caps? [man.]
What the fuck are you talking about? [crowd murmurs.]
Uh Showering love on you [man.]
Don't do that anymore.
Psst! Feed the beast.
What I meant to say was, let's kill Obamacare! [cheers and applause.]
[triumphant music.]
And anyone who was a citizen during his presidency is under investigation! [triumphant music.]
Bing-bong, bing-bing-bing-bing All will remember where they were when they heard President Trump's speech tonight.
His speech made the Gettysburg Address sound like a teen mom cursing out her slacker boyfriend at a Foot Locker.
- Thanks, Sean.
- Rest easy, sir.
- The beast is engorged.
- Nice work, Stevie.
But don't let it go to your head.
It's supposed to go to my head.
All right, here's the deal.
Jared, you said you need help.
Stevie, you clearly need friends.
I'm pairing you up.
Standard drill, fight to the death for my affection.
Hello, Jared Kushner.
We should grab three beers sometime.
- Uh, are y-you gonna invade my dreams? - Don't be silly.
We'll be friends of the highest order in this life or the next.
I mean, what are Stephen Miller and I supposed to even talk about? We don't have any of the same food allergies.
Jared, part of your job of being my dad's daughter's husband is to get along with colleagues, even the ones you can sense are staring at you three walls away.
[Miller.]
Welcome to the friendship, Jared Kushner.
I've brought you gift cantaloupes - from the food store.
- Ooh.
I'll leave you two alone in your "man cave.
" Congrats on your symmetrical wife.
Mr.
President, we have great news.
[both.]
We got the votes.
- We got 'em! - Oh, that's cool.
Votes for what? [popcorn kernels clanking.]
Are you kidding me, man? The Bowles-Simpson bill.
We called in every favor we possibly could.
We compromised our principles to such an extent that I no longer recognize the man I see in the mirror.
My wife oscillates between sobbing and screaming in my face that she wants her husband back, knowing full well that he's gone.
[chewing.]
Uh-huh.
So we're not doing that Bill Simpson thing.
Doesn't play.
No one cares.
I mean, I'm not trying to win President of the Year here.
- Feed the beast! - I'm getting to it, Stevie.
Hold your horses, if you haven't already beat them senseless.
Here's the plan, folks.
I will build my legacy based on what's worked for me from Day One, tearing down Obama's legacy.
People love the classics.
As soon as you start playing songs off the new album, everyone heads to the bathroom.
Here is my solemn pledge to you.
As long as I'm president, no one goes to the bathroom! [crowd shouting.]
[triumphant music.]
Stephen Miller's been hitting a lot of home runs lately, so I'm turning the team over to him today.
- Steve? - Well, well, well.
If it isn't everyone who doubted me.
Now look who's front and center at the table.
And what a fine table it is.
I might make it mine.
I have that power! Jesus, Stevie.
These are your friends.
Of course.
Sorry.
I would die for any of you.
Okay, I can already tell this might cut into TV time.
Let's keep this simple.
Ideas to destroy Obama's legacy.
Go.
What about we pull up all of Michelle's vegetables and replace them with beef shanks? We should claim Obama cheated when he won the Nobel Peace Prize because he wears hats, and we don't know if those hats hid additional brains.
Why don't you do what you always tell people you're gonna do, kill Obamacare? It's called an applause line, Pence.
Welcome to show business.
Any winners in there, Stevie? Write up a proposal for the beef thing.
But I want rancid slabs only.
Fun fact, I spent a summer abroad in a Latvian rendering pri plant.
Plant.
It's pronounced "plant," idiots! Before Obama came along, we were loving the housing bubble, right? Five houses.
Ten cars.
Working at a shoe store.
What could go wrong? It's time we got back to those good, old days.
That's where Nuch comes in.
Effective immediately, every American will receive an alarmingly generous housing loan.
All you have to do is successfully navigate your bank's revolving door and just tell them, "I know what a house is.
" Wow.
That sounds too good to be true.
Is there a downside? That's a good question, Mr.
President, and the answer is no.
Thank you for joining me for three beers.
Yeah, no problem.
Uh, so, where are you from? I was raised in Santa Monica, California.
- Liberal family.
You? - New Jersey.
Liberal family.
Uh, now they're all like, "Hey, why are you doing all this?" I understand completely.
It seems like just yesterday, I was mailing white powder to Sarah Lawrence, and now look at me, I'm basically president.
It's true.
I mean, you're the guy.
I guess I'm just here for advice.
Jared, what you said is appreciated.
First question, how do you tell a tall, thin boy - that you think he's cool? - I think you just did.
Good news, folks.
The housing bubble? It's getting big, and it's getting big fast.
Cover your eyes 'cause that baby's about to pop.
More good news! After Obama wouldn't let it die, we're finally putting the auto industry out of its misery! Soon we will release all of these deer and many more onto our nation's roadways, rendering vehicular travel impossibly deadly, therefore cratering the auto industry and reversing another one of Obama's terrible accomplishments.
Where will you find enough deer to cover the entirety of the interstate highway system? How dare you question my ability to put deers in estrus! If I arouse deer half as well as you waste my time, I think we'll be just fine! Wow.
How is this guy single? [music.]
[John.]
Time to finish the job that Obama finished.
And we're recovered Osama bin Laden's corpse for eventual re-killing.
Just so you know, sir, due to ocean conditions, the body is less a body and more a barnacle-covered jelly.
Grind those barnacles into my breakfast, squirt the jelly into a big doughnut, and initiate phase two.
[door closes.]
Don't worry.
We unplugged that thing months ago.
[announcer.]
Welcome to the most exciting night in football.
And now, please rise for the singing of the national anthem by Senior White House Advisor Stephen Miller! [Star-Spangled Banner plays.]
O say can you see, by the dawn's early light, what so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming? Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight o'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming? And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air, gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
O say does that star-spangled banner yet wave o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave? [cheers and applause.]
[announcer.]
And now, an announcement from the President of the United States.
[uplifting music.]
[panting.]
Oh, God.
You can do it.
Come on.
Come on.
Oh, God.
[music.]
[groans.]
I can do it! Good evening! Tonight, I can report to the American people and to the world that the United States has conducted a successful operation to capture Osama bin Laden's corpse! [cheers and applause.]
Now please direct your attention to the 30-yard line where we're going to kill Osama bin Laden way better than Obama ever did! [music.]
[skull thuds.]
Head counts, so it's good! [cheers and applause.]
[President Trump.]
Tremendous! You people are so great! In fact I'm Showering love on you [man.]
We don't like this.
Forget it! Goodnight, people! I'd say drive safe, but there's deer frickin' everywhere! - Whoo! - Whoo-whoo! - We did it! - We did it! - We did it! - Whoo! Let's go! I thought it was a really wonderful moment for America.
Suck my nuts, John Adams! We kicked a field goal with Osama bin Laden's head in front of 100 million people.
How do you top that? - So, how do we top it? - What are you talking about, man? We already kinda destroyed everything Obama did.
We only came in here today because we thought there'd be cake! Bite your tongue, or I'll bite it for you.
[making crunching noise.]
That's the sound it would make.
We need ideas, and we need them now.
We took Susan B.
Anthony off the silver dollar.
And went back to life sentences for crack smokers.
And sent SEAL Team Six to the Kenyan hall of records to find that Obama birth certificate.
Oh, I never really believed that, but the racists liked it.
I wasn't gonna tell those kids there's no Santa.
I'll say it again.
The beast must be fed.
A sprig of wheat will not suffice, nor grain, nor grape, nor fields of rice.
Okay, we get it.
You can rhyme foods.
I can do that, too.
Ham - Ham can - I have a few ideas.
We can rescind federal code Title 5.
- Shut up.
- You need a time out, mister.
- No! - Fuck you! - Oh, eat my ass.
- Psst! Hello? Mr.
President, are you okay? I can't believe there's nothing left to undo.
I guess I'll go see what happens when I put cake - in my popcorn maker.
- Wait, so there was cake? So I told that snowflake, "Give me a thicker tarantula, or I'm gonna stomp every turtle in this pet store.
" [laughs.]
Jared, is something wrong? You've only had five sips of your first beer.
Each beer is 10 to 12 sips, and we've got two more to go.
Stephen, I don't know if I can do this anymore.
Wow.
I cannot believe what I'm hearing.
What is the source of this problem? If you don't like the tarantulas, consider them stomped.
No, it's not just the tarantulas.
It It's, like, your whole thing, okay? - We're just not working.
- Oh, no.
You are not breaking up with me.
I am breaking up with you! You've made a powerful enemy.
Get out of my way! I went to Duke University, idiots! [door slams.]
Breaking news tonight.
President Trump has been unable to find another Obama initiative to kill, and as a result has fallen into a depression spiral that, according to our sources, no amount of chicken parts can cure.
They said, "Run for office.
You won't win, but it'll be fun.
You'll get a TV network out of it.
" And now look at me, tossing out red meat to a bunch of strangers.
Wall, Islam, Islam, blah, blah, blah.
You know what you should be more worried about? Your hearts exploding.
Coal miners, you're really thinking about the future.
I see so many kids walking around playing with coal.
What's your name? Jeff? Fuck you, Jeff! [Stephen.]
Hello, gentlemen.
- I'm your dad now.
- Excuse me? Your old father has been paralyzed.
- What?! - By his lack of self-worth.
You may refer to me as Father, Papa, or Stephen the Dad.
- Dude, this is bullshit! - Wash your mouth out! No television for a week! - You think I care? - Fine.
Two weeks.
- You tell him, Dad.
- Eric, shut up! Miller, let me let you in on a little secret here.
I've never been disciplined in my life, and I'm not about to start now.
That's it! Give me your phone.
- You're not seeing that girl any more.
- You mean my wife? Dude, you are seriously loco.
Eric, I'm proud of you.
I'm gonna take you to 7-Eleven and get you a big soda.
- Can I sit in the front? - Fine, but don't touch the radio.
That's Mommy's.
I'm also your mom.
[somber music.]
This is weird.
I don't know.
Maybe just make up something to goose him awake.
Good news, Mr.
President.
Congress has agreed to build the wall.
That would be cool if anything mattered.
I know what will cheer him up.
Hey, Donny, how would you like to take the nuclear football to Mar-a-Lago for the weekend, huh? - Pbht! - Okay, that's it.
He's gone.
[music.]
Say what you will about, uh, Mr.
Trump.
He certainly would bring some change to the White House.
[laughter.]
Is that what this is about? Yeah, you must have felt pretty humiliated that night, so humiliated you decided to run for president? Go away.
Sir, I once had a boss who humiliated me every day by putting his need to watch television and eat an entire sheet cake ahead of our nation.
But someday, I'm gonna write a shocking exposé that puts my boss in prison or worse! That's a beautiful story, but how does it relate to me? Your administration can't go on like this, Mr.
President.
You have two choices either let that night go or return to the battlefield.
Look, I've got a lot to think about.
I better get a full night's sleep.
[snoring.]
I got it! When's the next White House Correspondents' Dinner? - April.
- Move it to tomorrow and make sure Obama's there.
Consider it done, sir.
Should I give him a plus-one? Of course.
I'm not a monster.
[President Trump.]
All right, here's the plan.
I want to roast Obama like he roasted me, and I'm gonna need great material.
Jared, Stephen, you're the two funniest guys I know.
Start writing.
- We're sort of taking a break right now.
- Don't care.
If I can shred on guitar the first time I touch one, you two can learn to be friends again, okay? [Jared.]
Hey.
Uh, so, uh, where are your tarantulas, huh? I fed them to the python.
You've got a python?! [shudders.]
Where is it? I fed it to me.
My pizza was taking too long.
Cool.
Look, Stephen, I don't know what happened.
I thought we were doing great.
Things were just moving a little too fast for me.
I mean, I've never met someone like you.
This happens a lot.
I always assumed new friends were part of a deep-state conspiracy against me.
Upon further research, I realized that the government just doesn't have those resources.
What do you say we give this another shot? That would be great.
I just, uh, need a minute here.
Python meat is the prune juice of the animal kingdom.
[announcer.]
Tonight from the Washington Hilton, it's the hastily rescheduled White House Correspondents' Dinner.
The entire Beltway press corps is here for a night of fun and laughs with those they're supposed to hold accountable.
- Is Obama here? - Front-row center.
I told him Richard Branson would be here.
[music.]
[screaming.]
[screaming continues.]
[clears throat.]
- You sure this material's good? - Uh, I don't know.
I mean, Miller handled the Obama slams, I did the self-deprecating stuff.
Self-deprecating? What would I deprecate? That I don't know the meaning of "deprecate"? Well, they're on page two if you get desperate.
Stevie, I need you to warm up the crowd.
Sir, by the time I'm done with them, they'll be boiling hot and begging for mercy.
[chuckling.]
What a goofball! And now performing his original composition, Blood Is Destiny, Stephen Miller.
[heavy metal plays.]
Restore order, embolden ancestors.
- Blood is destiny.
- I love you, Stephen and Dad! - Oh, Jesus.
- # Blood is destiny # Wow, available wherever animals are tortured.
That was something.
But you know who isn't something? Barack Hussein Obama.
I mean, this guy couldn't keep Muslims out of his own family.
How could he keep them out of the United States? [man.]
Oh, my God.
You know the Obamas had a dog named Bo who would often say, "Ruff, ruff.
" That's a good description of his presidency, "Rough, rough.
" He also had a dog named Sunny.
How much dog can one man eat? [laughs.]
Oh! Killing it, real Dad.
Geez, these jokes are bigly crap.
[laughter.]
Crap like me? [laughter and applause.]
Psst! Page two! It's hard to figure out what's more ill-fitting this suit or me as president.
[laughter and applause.]
You know, I got to start watching what I eat.
I asked my insurance agent where I could be buried.
He started listing canyons.
[laughter.]
Canyons, folks.
My kids are great.
I mean, they're not too bright, though.
The other day, I caught Don Jr.
trying to unwrap a battery like a candy.
And he's the smart one! [laughs weakly.]
But seriously, folks, I got to tell you.
Me and Jesus have a lot in common.
He lugged around that huge cross.
I got to lug around my huge ass.
Where's my holiday? [laughter and applause.]
So, yeah, I hate myself.
Thank you! That's my time.
[cheers and applause.]
Oh, that's pretty funny stuff.
Not only was President Trump's White House Correspondence Dinner speech popular with his detractors, it also received resounding praise from his supporters who claim that Trump roasted himself far better than Obama ever did.
When we come back, my face.
Does it look the same upside-down? Look, I got to tell you.
I've never been more proud of how proud you guys are of me.
I'm proud of the work we've done here today, Jared, and the unthinkable work that is yet to come.
Now, let's go get three beers.
And I'm driving.
I want to plow into some deer.
Hey, what was that song about, anyway? Where do I begin? Okay, so, eugenics is this emerging science.
The audience loved you.
No one can humiliate you like yourself.
It felt tremendous, but who needs to roast Obama when I can melt your heart? Oh, no, Donald.
Please, don't sing song.
- # I'm # - Donald.
Showering love on you [Melania.]
If only you slept long enough for me to smother you.
[music.]
['80s-style pop music plays.]
# Donald Trump is the president # Donald Trump is the president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is Yes, he is, we elected him president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is We had a vote and elected him president Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump He is our president We made him president We did it Donald Trump is the president We elected Donald Trump Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president [vocalizing.]
# Yeah # Trump! [rock riff plays on guitar.]
Sir, it's 3 a.
m.
! Can we please go home? Hey, guitar, can they go home? [rock riff plays on guitar.]
That's a "no.
"