Our Flag Means Death (2022) s01e03 Episode Script

1 Captain we're a few hundred yards out from "The Revenge.
" Nice.
Very good.
Love that.
Honestly, I really don't think this Bonnet is worth your time.
Mmm.
So, he's a fancy man with a fancy ship, and he travels with a brigade of imbeciles.
Do I have that right? Yes, I suppose you could put it And he bested you at swordplay.
They tricked us.
It was an ambush.
Completely unprofessional.
- Hmm.
- So, what's the plan, sir? Do we open fire? Or would you rather we just attack them, kill them, throw them out to the sharks, sir? Wait till they make landfall then invite 'em aboard the ship.
And, Izzy, I want you to handle this personally.
Oh, Edward, can't I just send the boys? No, I want this done right.
After all, he is a gentleman.
We want to make a good impression.
Stupid fuckin' Stede Bonnet.
Blackbeard, Captain Kidd The Gentleman Pirate.
What do those names conjure for you? Well, the first two are, like, very, very talented pirates.
The badger's knackers.
But I have no idea who the last bloke is.
Well, the last one is the scariest of them all.
- Oh yeah? Keep talkin'.
- Yeah, he's a killer.
But instead of killing with weapons, he kills with kindness.
Oh, right, so you're the G-Gentleman Pirate, then? - Well-sussed! - Yeah.
Polite menace.
That'll be my brand.
Every legendary pirate needs one.
- You getting all this? - Yep.
Yes, I am.
Um as I said before, Captain, I'm not the strongest writer.
- Hmm.
- Or reader.
Well, there's no words on there at all.
- No, 'cause I've drawn them.
- Right.
Well, you'll have to do until we find Lucius.
I just hope he's not dead.
That could be bad - for the general vibe around here.
- Yeah.
Oh, actually, uh, since we're on the subject of bad vibes, what is the plan for the remaining hostage? - Remaining hostage? - He's still out there.
- Not lookin' great.
- Oh god, we need a plan.
Mm, 'cause he's kind of bringin' everyone down, bit of a pirate pooper.
Dear lord, it smells like he's been roasting.
The sun did work its wonders.
Well good and savory now, Cap'n.
Some nice crispy bits there.
Yes, well, let's get him some water and maybe hold a jacket over his head or something.
Generate some shade.
Ah, that's lovely.
Cheers.
Right, well, what should we do with our hostage? - Any ideas? - Ooh! - I know.
- What, you mean other than kill him? Oh, everyone does that.
I think a gentleman rises above those baser instincts.
Black Pete, did you have an idea? Nah, I was just gonna say kill him.
Oh, uh, cut off all his limbs and turn his back into a table.
No, let's not.
Thank you, though.
Anyone else? We could ransom him back to the English.
- Ooh, good thinking, Roach.
- Ah.
What ya need is a fence.
I reckon you'll find one at The Republic of Pirates.
An isle not too far at all, where the law lies doggo and plunderers rule.
Well, one can only hope he's talking to us, in which case, wow! Now that sounds like the place to be, right? No, it's shit.
It's become quite touristy, I've heard, and just not as cool anymore.
Right, Jim? Well, I'll be the judge of that.
It's time for the wider criminal community to meet the Gentleman Pirate.
- Oh my god, no.
- Mr.
Buttons set a course for the Republic of Pirates.
Aye, aye, Cap'n! Hoist the main brace.
We can't go back there.
Spanish Jackie has put a price on your head, remember? You mean for the thing with her husband? The thi Yes, the thing where you killed him.
Pff.
Olu, grow up.
We live in a state of nature.
Besides, she's got, like, 20 husbands.
Well, 19 now.
Jim a fake beard and a wax nose is not gonna fool Jackie.
- You couldn't even fool Lucius! - Oh, mm, that's different.
Ese bastardito caught me unawares.
I'll tell no one! I swear! Cállate, hombrecito.
Maybe, in your next life, you'll be a little less nosey, huh? Ow! Jesus.
Can you help me throw this overboard? I don't think that's a good idea, us being on the same team and all.
Fine.
Oh god! Oh god! Thank you! Oh, you made a wise decision today, and I feel really good about this.
Nope, I can't do this.
Get back in.
No, no, no! You can't! You can't! You don't know what it's like in there! Have either of you seen Lucius, there you are.
Oh god, why're you so sweaty? Um, so we have been exercising together because we want our bodies to be smaller.
- Everything's fine.
- Well, I'm not fine.
I've got a journal full of doodles instead of words.
I'm glad you're making friends, but tighten up, mate.
Come on.
I need your help getting me dressed for the big day.
All right, it's a bit gentrified, but it's still the Republic of Pirates.
- I remember when this place was gritty.
- What, 10 years ago? Please, place got lame.
Is that a gift shop? Republic of Pirates.
Quite the hellish cesspool.
- Come along.
- Sorry, um, do these outfits maybe feel like - an error in judgment, or - It's a power move.
Make people feel underdressed, and suddenly you're the one in charge.
No, no, no, no, no! Oh god, this isn't happening! Aww, come on! You couldn't have sidestepped? Right, too late.
Let's go.
Maybe just take the jacket off.
I've never felt so at home.
Man for sale! Man for sale! Healthy, sturdy, obedient man for sale! Captain? - So, we're leaving, right? - Yeah, and quickly.
Man for sale! Listen, I think you might wanna adjust the pitch because it's quite unclear what you're selling.
Look, I might be new to pirating, but I know a thing or two about salesmanship.
After you.
Check out this fabulous booty I'm hawkin'! Whoa.
Bonifacia Jimenez, wanted for murder.
I told you Jackie was still pissed.
Reward, 50 doubloons?! That's it? I think you're gettin' the wrong message, Jim.
But I, I wasted her husband! That's worth a thousand doubloons at least! Shh! Quit shouting! Man for sale! Someone, buy my booty! - Man for sale! - Over here.
Oh, here we go.
One piece of silver's me bid.
So, do I get all three of ye's, er No, only one of us is for sale.
Mm, so the other two watch, or? He thinks you're a prostitute.
I'm no prostitute, mate! Oh.
We could've made magic.
Unbelievable.
Do we look like prostitutes to you? Well, not terribly successful ones.
Jim, what're you doin'? Someone's gonna see you.
- So far, so good.
- Jim Oh, hey, guys! Ooh, this place looks promising.
Maybe we'll find some buyers in here.
No, no, no, Captain.
You d You don't wanna go in there.
It's a, it's a shithole.
There's a lot of crime, and, uh, diseases, and, uh, poorly mixed drinks.
Jim's already gone in.
Jim?! No, no, no, Jim! Does look a bit scary in there.
I'm gonna need you to hold it together, and come in.
Well, if it's scary, I'll probably just head back to the ship Ah, Lucius, look at this.
Come.
Come here.
You have to sketch us in front of this.
It's so authentic.
Look tortured.
Okay, like we rehearsed.
Hear ye, hear ye! Oh fuck.
Please join me in welcoming for his regional debut The Brigand of Barbados the Cream of the Caribbean The Gentleman Pirate.
Hi, all.
Nice to be here.
I may be landed gentry, but I'm thrilled to be granted entry.
Well, the drinks are on us.
Oh, come on! Drinks be on ye now! Oh god.
Jim, Jim, this is not keepin' a low profile.
Oluwande Boodhari, as I live and breathe.
Geraldo.
You have got some world-class, rock-hard absolutely titanic balls coming in here.
You know, I actually thought you'd be dead by now.
I did, too! Life is funny.
Who's your friend? Um This is Jim.
Jim You don't know Jim because Jim is a mute.
So, that's my friend.
Naturally, Jackie's gonna want a word.
Yeah, no, naturally.
Um just, uh, just let me know when Now, man! Not you! Hey, Jackie.
- Lads.
- Have a seat.
- Yep.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Right here.
Hey.
Olu, Olu Olu.
Where you been? You been avoiding me? What? No, no, I I actually thought you were kind of mad at me, if I'm honest.
Why would Jackie be mad? Well, I kind of recommended you hire a waitress who stabbed your favorite husband up, so.
Oh yeah, that's true, that's true.
Bonifacia Jimenez.
The bitch who stole my life.
The bitch who stole my joy.
But it's not like you had anything to do with it, right? Like you helped her set it up? N-No.
C Uh, correct.
I barely even knew the bitch.
Ooh.
But you do know where she is, though, right? Seems like I remember both of you guys leavin' town - at the same time.
- I killed her! I killed her.
Yeah, I didn't, I didn't like the way she handled herself.
I thought it were kind of g-gauche if I'm honest.
I appreciate that, kid.
It was fuckin' kinda gauche.
You know, Jackie got feelings, too.
Jackie is a person also.
What about your sexy little friend over there? You gonna invite him over? Yeah I'd love to.
Barkeep! What? Uh, please bring us a round of your finest wine.
We're out of wine.
Well, then what's this all over my boy? That's blood.
I mean, we serve that.
Do you want blood? I think we'll go for something stronger.
Bring us a round of Eww ugh Ah, this tasty-looking stuff.
On the double! It's good, isn't it? Being amongst proper maniacs.
No amateurs here, Lucius.
Ah.
Mm, it's nutty.
- What do you call this? - It's juice from the nose jar.
Hmm? Jackie's been collecting them for years.
You misbehave you end up in here.
Oh god.
I've a few colleagues in there.
- You again.
- Mr.
Hands, welcome.
- It's been a while.
- Yeah because I hate this fucking place.
But for some inexplicable reason, my boss would like a word with you, Bonnet.
Yes, well, everyone wants a piece of the Gentleman Pirate.
Get in line.
I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, Iggy.
Izzy.
Whatever, I don't care, but we're busy at the moment, fencing our remaining hostage.
AKA, the one you didn't manage to steal.
So, I'll tell my captain that you're declining then, yeah? Or tell him he's got terrible taste in flunkies, and he can go suck eggs in hell.
Gladly.
- To my dead hubby! Yes! - Yes.
Alfeo de la Vaca! One of the best that ever done it.
Mmm.
He was a saint.
I keep a altar to him in the back with a couple of his mementos.
Jackie, you are needed.
Business calls.
Don't go anywhere.
Oh, my god.
I bet she's got my dagger back there.
Okay, look, you've proven your point.
Now, can we just let this go? Fine.
Jim, what are you doin'? What are you do J I'd maybe give ya 20 doubloons for the Brit.
Seems a tad low.
We're already expecting another offer.
From who? The prostitute bloke? Ha, ha! No.
The bidding starts at 50 doubloons.
Take it or shake it.
- 50.
- 51.
- 60.
- 61.
Should we attempt to lower the temperature, or No, no.
Don't be scared.
This is a bidding war.
Okay, it's startin' to look like an actual war! Think it through guys, please! Alfeo de la Vaca.
The man who killed my family.
We meet again, pendejo.
Now give me back my dagger.
Where is it? I knew you was a thief.
But I loves me a thief.
C'mon, guys.
- I think we should intervene.
- No, you intervene.
Fine, I'll intervene.
Don't kill one another, you guys! Ooh you are one sexy thing.
Relax You're stiff in all the wrong places.
Oh sorry! My noses! Lucius, can you please help me pick these up? No, I'm not gonna do that, sorry.
Oh Fuck is you supposed to be? - Hi, I'm Stede.
- He's the Gentleman Pirate.
Well, I got bad news for you, Genital Pirate.
I'm about to start a whole new nose jar.
- Uh, baby - Don't say that.
Don't call me that.
Well, I just figured since we're married, and None of my other husbands have a problem with it.
That's mine.
Do not call me that in here.
Okay, well, Izzy Hands was in here asking about him for his boss.
Blackbeard? Muthafuckin' Blackbeard wanna talk to this guy? Thank you so much.
Shut up.
You're an idiot and you're banished.
Do not darken my doorstep again.
Lovely.
Well, I'll just, I'll just squeeze past then.
Thank you so much for having us.
Well, the Gentleman Pirate bids you all Ah! He's not interested in meeting.
What? I explicitly told him Blackbeard desired his company.
But does he know who I am? Seemed to, yeah.
And still, he said no.
You can "go suck eggs in hell" was his response, I believe.
Fascinating.
I'm starting to think you're not the only one who's not cut out for this, Lucius.
Don't be too hard on yourself.
Anyone could break a nose jar.
Well, see, this is what I'm talking about.
You and I, we shouldn't have this kind of rapport.
Hey there.
Are you the fancy man sellin' the British bloke? No! Wait, yes.
- Oh, are you interested? - Terribly.
- And I'd pay handsomely - Deal.
- For parts of him.
- Wait, what? I'll do the disassembly myself.
You're not actually considering this, are you? Hmm? No No.
Kick rocks, freak.
Big boys need to talk.
No, no, no, no, no.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I'm gonna shoot you straight, man.
When you first came in, I didn't think you had balls - at all.
- Yeah.
But when I saw how you handled yourself with Jackie, I was like, "Oh man, he's got balls! For days!" - Really? - Yeah.
Balls for days.
Maybe I do.
Listen, I, I got a little bit of, um a side hustle with an exclusive client, but he only deals with refined types, like yourself.
Hmm! He's gonna love you.
You almost got us killed! You know that, right?! And for what? She didn't even have the dagger! She did! on Stede's stupid fucking nose! I would've had it if you didn't rush us out of there.
Shh! Hi, guys.
Oh, guy, well, guy Well, guy and lady Oh, you are pushing your luck, hombrecito.
Um, I was just wondering whether your dagger had, um, something on the handle, - a family name, maybe? J - Jimenez.
¿Qué pasa? Uh, well Ahh! - You found it.
- Yeah, yeah.
Well, I guess you could say I'm a bit of a pickpocket from back in the day.
I don't like to even talk about it.
- It was not cute - Now this is a good friend.
Oh, my god.
Okay well, wouldn't that be crazy if I was suddenly like, into Jim? Okay.
All right, then.
Makin' our approach now, Captain! Oh.
That doesn't look like a private vessel.
Oh, it's not.
Sorry, I thought I said, uh we're selling your guy to the Spanish Navy.
Oh And we're sure they're friendly? Oh yeah.
These guys are the best.
Super chill.
Come on.
We'll make this quick.
Let's bring that guy.
He looks tough.
In honor of our hosts, I've had Roach put together some food.
I made an assortment of tapas.
Tapas means "little plates.
" Yeah, I know about tapas.
- They're like catnip to Spaniards.
- Oh, exactly.
Besides, a gentleman never arrives empty-handed.
Lucius, once I climb aboard, I want you to start sketching.
The world's about to witness the Gentleman Pirate's first business transaction.
Oh! Now this is a ladder.
Loving your ladder setup, by the way.
Very stable.
El Gentleman Pirata? I am he.
Oh I think there's been a mistake.
Did y Did you mean to do that? Filthy scum.
Hold on! Bring that one back.
Almost forgot.
Jackie wanted this for the new jar.
No.
Oh! Oh, my god! His nose! Oh god, no! Jim's a woman?! - Did you know that? - How would I know that?! Oh, thank god it's out.
I'm so bad at keeping secrets.
And she can talk? I'm actually super into that, so thanks.
Jackie made you straight away.
She just wanted to watch you sweat a little bit.
All she had to do was set a low bounty sit back, and wait for you to return.
Adios, Bonifacia.
You can't fool her.
She's Jackie the love of my life.
And she's got the biggest balls of them all.
I'm sorry, guys.
- Any last words? - Yeah You are the worst fuckin' pirate captain in history.
I deserve that.
Okay, so, uh, eh are you done? Is that it? Were those your last words? Help me! The Gentlemen Pirate, I presume.
You've heard of me? Oh yeah, I've heard of you.
I've heard all about you.