Outnumbered (2007) s01e03 Episode Script

(Horns tooting) (Ben) I really need a wee.
I'm bursting for the toilet! Well, I'm sorry, you're going to have to hold on.
(Radío) There's a seven-míle taílback on the southbound A3 near New Mactden.
Well, get away! Why does he sound so happy? It sounds like he's gloating.
Sue, chill.
This is Karen's treat.
Treat, after school - an urban farm down the Act.
Have I learned nothing after all these years? Ben, are you making rude hand signals at the driver behind? - No, he's making them at me.
- He's not doing anything.
l tell you what, let's all see who can tell the biggest lie.
- What? - It's a strategy.
I got it off MumNet.
lt sort of downgrades the lying and makes it less attractive.
It's a game, Dad.
- I'm a toilet.
- Right.
I'm a magical witch and I'm 100,000 years old, and at night I sprout wings and I fly above the owls and the bats - and I leap over the moon - Jake, your go.
l have the deadly Ebola virus and we're all gonna die in the next 24 to 48 hours.
- Nice! - Karen, your go.
l like AuntieAngela.
Well, that's lovely, sweetheart.
Anyway, let's get on with the game.
That was part of the game.
- I'm a toilet too.
- No, you're not.
- It was pak of the game.
- Jake, have another go.
My middle name is Elizabeth, I'm 36-years-old, I drive a Peugeot.
Hiya.
Yeah, look, I'm running behind.
The headmaster was meant to be here about 15 minutes ago but apparently a fight's broken out in one of the citizenship classes, - so I've no idea when I'm gonna be there.
- Well, you'll probably get there before us.
No, we'd have been fine, it's just Angela was late, and now we've caught the start of the rush hour.
You're not allowed to talk on the phone.
What, in case I swerve off the road at incredible speed? You might do, you never know.
I'm on the phone to Daddy.
You've already been stopped once by the police.
Next time you might even go to jail, I read in a book if you do it too many times.
Shh.
look, I'm gonna have to go before Karen shops me.
- OK, good luck.
Bye.
- (Karen) Thank you, that's better.
I'm sorry I was late, but it was very hard for both of us to get out of the door.
Many things had to be locked up many times.
You need to leave more time - because Dad likes his routines.
- Well, maybe he's got too used to them.
People need to lighten up and break the rules sometimes.
- I need a wee.
- No, you don't, you're just copying me.
- No, I need it more than you.
- You'll both have to hold on.
- I smell burning.
- I'm desperate.
Oh God, cos this thing does overheat in traffic.
There was once this type of car in America, and it kept catching fire and that stopped the electric door things working, and all these families were burned alive.
Great, right, OK.
Well, I'm gonna turn off the child locks.
l was playing the game.
- What? - It was a lie.
I was playing the game.
Oh, Dad, you got us good and proper! - (laughs) - Dad won the game eveyone.
- I need a wee.
- OK, right, don't panic.
Erm, OK, OK, use that.
But look, these have got holes in it, so you don't suffocate.
- It'll just go on the carpet.
- Oh, God! - There's this! - Brilliant, can you give it to Ben, please.
- No, I need it.
- Can you just give it to Ben, please? No, but it's my birthday and I need it more than him, so I should get it.
- Please! - (Horn) What're you bloody hooting for, we haven't moved for half an hour! - You're not allowed to say that! - I didn't say anything.
- Yes, you did, you said thesomething word! - Shush now, shush.
Give me that bag, Jake.
- You don't want it, it's got holes in it.
- I know but I'm going to Just hold on because I've got a really very good idea.
Keep holding.
Pass that over, will you? Can you climb over and help him? Help him? How? - Well, hold it.
- Hold what? The box, otherwise it'll go eveywhere.
No, I I'd have to take my seat belt off.
live a little, go on! We all know how much you like to break the rules.
(Car horn) lf you do that one more time, I'm gonna OK.
You're gonna have to - I'm not weeing in a box! - (Horn) That's really very helpful, thank you, you 'sole.
- You said - I did not say anything of the kind.
- Sorry to keep you, Peter.
- No problem.
OK, you can relax, I really don't think this is gonna be a problem.
- Good.
- The first thing I'd like to get on record is that eveything that happens inside this building is child-centred.
It's a school.
Exactly, and so the welfare of the children is paramount, in accordance with best practice, obviously.
Now then, this remark of yours that Kamal found offensive.
- It was a joke.
- About his weight issues.
Well, it was about him constantly eating in class.
And there was a religious dimension.
The joke involved Ramadan.
I honestly don't think that he found it offensive.
I think he's just making trouble.
We all have to put up with a bit of teasing in our life, don't we? My priority, obviously, is for us all to move towards a managed outcome.
I presume that's what you'd like as well.
Yes, that's what I'd like a managed outcome.
These are $200 designer trousers and he's pee'd on them.
What are designer clothes? Traffic's moving up ahead.
l know, Dad.
They're clothes that cost more because they have someone else's name on them.
Surely clothes that aren't designer clothes, they're still designed, aren't they? - Traffic's moved.
- I'm just waiting for Angela to get her belt on.
- They can't just appear, can they? - (Ringtone) - Jake, can you answer that, please? - (Horn) - You do that again and I'll - OK, seat belt on.
Can you please take the box from him, because Ben and a box full of urine is not a good combination.
- It's Veronica.
- Tell her I'll call her back.
(Horn) Give it to me slowly, very, very slowly.
- Where's the lid? - There isn't one.
Oh, God, there's no lid.
OK.
She says it's urgent.
I work three days a week and Thursday is not one of them.
She says she works three days a week and Thursday's not one of them.
(Horn) Right, chummy, right! Go, Mum, kill, punch him! Oh, Mum, please don't! Sue, where are you going? - Nowhere, Dad.
- No, Veronica, no one's fighting.
It's just Ben's had to pee in a Tupperware box and we can't find the lid for the urine Jake, just tell her I'll ring her back.
- look, she'll ring you back, OK? - I need a wee now! Oh! So do I.
You want me to submit a written apology? No, no, no.
No, not an apology - a statement of regret.
A statement of regret? You don't say sorry for what you said, but you express regret for any hurt that may have been caused by what you said.
It's standard.
Anyway, if you could just arrange to let me have it ASAP, that might be prudent, given that KamaI's father isyou know, a potential problem.
Why should I back down? l don't see it as backing down.
It'sregretting.
That seems extraordinarily one-sided.
I've been getting anonymous texts on this - some of them obscene, one of them, extraordinarily obscene.
Well, we all have to put up with a bit of teasing in life, don't we? Anyway, look, thanks for being a team player on this one.
Oh, and by the way, don't talk to any journalists, under any circumstances.
OK, big fella? (Bleating) And your itineray on what's going on here today.
- Perfect.
lovely.
Thank you.
- Enjoy your day, thank you.
Oh, well, nearly time to go home.
He went back four times to check the oven wasn't still on.
I've been dealing with this for a couple of Ben, can you come out of there, please.
Yeah, well, I'm dealing with it now.
I've got a game plan for when I've weaned him off all those drugs.
- Which he needs.
- I can give him supplements which I know a lot about.
l can have a whole regime of, you know, mental gymnastics.
With me staying there, l can help him beat this thing.
(Sighs) (Ben) Stranger, stranger, stranger, stranger! - Stranger! - All I said was ''Don't rock the displays.
'' I'm really sorry.
It's just that they teach them this at school to stop them being abducted.
Yes, OK, it's not the first time.
Ben, put that down and come with me.
But you said we could have a toy.
You can have a toy on the way out, if you've been good and for 3£ or less.
So many rules.
Do you understand? Well, I'm not stupid.
- Can I have it? - No! Do you like that one? Yeah.
Karen, have you ever thought, that if your nose runs and your feet smell, you could be upside down? (Sighs) You've told me that joke so many times before, Granddad! Have I? Why do you keep saying the same thing? Erm it's because I'm old.
Well, Mummy always says the same thing.
Does that mean she's old? What does she say to you? She says ''Grow up, stop being silly.
'' She says that to you? No, she says that to Dad.
Oh, well! Look, let's have a look at that one over there.
So how are you going to manage with you here and your boyfriend in Arizona? Well, there are phones, there are planes.
There are vibrators.
Uh-oh, now I've shocked her.
No, you haven't shocked me.
I'm just not sure that you've thought it through properly.
Sue, let go.
Just count to ten and let go.
I mean, you can't keep looking after Dad.
You've got enough on your plate with the kids.
What does that mean? Nothing.
They're great kids.
They've just got issues.
What issues? - Well - (Ben) You're rubbish! .
.
have you ever wondered whether Ben's got some kind of syndrome? I think we've put that rabbit off his food.
What does it feel like to be old? Is it nice? lt beats being dead.
Well, what if you die and then you go to heaven and you're really happy, and you've gone to heaven and you get eveything that you want? Yeah, well, I'll let you know.
How? Oh I could phone you up.
I doubt there'll be a phone in heaven.
Email.
When you die, do you think that you'll get dug up by foxes, because that's what happened to my hamster? (Sighs) Shall we go and look at the goats? - There's the big one.
- Oh, my goodness, yes.
So, Ben, these animals aren't toys.
You've got to hold them really gently and treat them with respect.
Who would win if a rabbit fought a sheep? Well, rabbits and sheep aren't really known for fighting each other.
But if Erm, well I suppose, the sheep, c'os it's bigger.
If a hundred rabbits fought a sheep? They'd probably nibble it to death.
Who would winif and a brachiosaurus? The anteaters team, cos they've got a dinosaur.
True.
At last! What happened? I have to write to KamaI's parents and expressregret.
Regret? I regret that your son is a thick, 15-stone eating machine who farts his way through my lessons.
I regret that your family seem to have had their sense of humour surgically removed.
I regret that I ever thought that teenagers might prefer histoy to ringtones.
Sorry, rant over.
Ready to enjoy Karen's treat.
(laughter) Your dad and Angela seem to be getting along.
Oh, yeah.
No, Angela's doing brilliantly.
So far, she's only made us late, lectured me about how to look after Dad.
- Mum - Now she's taking him for stupidly long walks.
Mum, you're hurting the rabbit.
You're squeezing it too hard.
Oh Well, erm Well done for noticing, Ben.
Why don't you go and check out the sheep racing? OK.
See? Because of Angela, this rabbit nearly got injured.
- It's hardly Angela's - What? Nothing.
She thinks Ben has got a syndrome.
Little Git Syndrome, maybe.
If she thinks that after one day, maybe she's right.
They think all naughty children have a syndrome these days.
It's so the parents can pretend it's not their fault.
So, Ben's our fault? I didn't mean that.
Anyway, it can't be our fault cos the other two are fine.
Yeah.
She said Jake's a depressive.
God, she didn't, did she? Oh, look, I shouldn't have said anything.
No, but if she thinks that after just one day.
I still think he's being He's not being bullied.
What a pair we are, listening to what Angela thinks! Blimey, we'll be feng shuing the compost heap soon.
Was the meeting really grim? Go to school, take a beating, it's like being eleven again.
(Cheering) (Bleating) (Applause) When I tried to explain, that Giselle only told Butch what I said because she knew Trent's relationship with Amber would've threatened him and me, he just completely freaked.
ln the end he was shouting so loud the hotel had to call the police.
Anywayhe's flown back home.
You won't tell anyone I've told you all of this, will you, Dad? Dad? God, look at the size of that pig! It's a very big pig.
Come on.
We could catch bird flu from feeding these ducks.
What, from No, you couldn't.
You'd have to live in very close proximity to a duck to get bird flu from it.
You could, if these ducks caught it off of some wild geese from Hungary who were infected with it and then we inhaled some of their faeces dust or whatever.
l personally am not planning on inhaling any geese faeces dust.
Are you? It's not really part of a normal farm visit, it is? ctpm, feed the rabbits, ctpm, ride the tractors, goose faeces - it's not on offer.
We could have a word with them, if you like.
ls that what's been worrying you - bird flu? Why are you so worried that I'm always worried about things? I'm not worried that you're worried about things, it's just part of being a parent.
I'm just naturally worried.
Come on.
ls it bad to worry? Sometimes.
- You're really, really rubbish! - Ben, stop it! You're an absolute plonker.
- OK, Dad.
- You look exhausted.
I haven't had a long walk like that in ages.
(laughs) Those pigs, eh, Angela? We're going to get on like a house on fire.
Or a car on fire.
Just gotta go to the loo.
Car on fire! You see? A little bit of exercise and he really sharpens up mentally.
Are you OK? Yeah, he's just worried about the extinction of humankind.
Bird flu.
I just saw a robin sneeze.
- No, you didn't.
- I ako saw a blackbird with a temperature.
How'd you know it had a temperature? - Cos it was sweating.
- A bird can't sweat, that's ridiculous! yes, it can! All I was saying is we could a lethal pathogen off those geese.
lethal pathogen - where do you get all this stuff? On Channel 4, Ten Most Deadliest Diseases.
- When did you watch that? - Last night.
Bird flu came third behind Ebola and drug-resistant bubonic plague.
Karen, it's your birthday, so you can go first.
I'll give you a cookie now, shall l? ln England, we call them biscuits.
Do we? Right, OK.
lf Angela's living with your dad, we could think about our family going travelling.
- Don't go too far.
- We could, couldn't we? There was a programme on TV about a chef who took his kids out of school for a year and they all travelled round India and China, all on their own.
On their own with a camera crew.
It's a great idea, Pete.
TraveI's the best thing for kids.
And dysentey and intestinal parasites, they're the best things for kids as well, are they? - Bird flu's big in China.
- There wouldn't be any point in going and then having to break off a week into the trip.
Why would we have to break off? Well, when Angela rings and says she's heading back to America.
- That's right, stereotype me.
- You didn't hang around when Mum died.
I needed space to cry.
I feel things.
And I don't? That's the funny thing, isn't it, how people grieve in different ways? God, we're lucky with this weather.
- She is so fat! - Shush! Well, she is! - But you can't say it, Ben.
- She must know that she's fat, if she looks in the bathroom mirror and sees a fat lady.
- If she can get in the bathroom door.
- Pete! But you mustn't say it, because if she hears it, it might make her really sad.
It's like if someone has funny hair or one leg.
You can't say here come Paul and Heather, although they're unlikely to be seen together.
Sory.
No, your mum's right, you always have to think of people's feelings.
Can I say she's so fat very quietly? - I suppose so.
- Can I say (loudly) she's very fat! No! - And what a - (Both) No! - It's racism.
- No, racism is what Dad does.
Ben, your dad is absolutely not racist.
I've taught hundreds of Moslem kids.
Sulamon Ahkbar was the first kid from our school to read history at Oxford.
Racism is when you don't like somebody because of the colour of their skin, or the county that they come from and it's really wrong.
- Unless it's the Japanese.
- Actually, it's any race.
- Dad, you're rude about the Americans.
- Oh, well, Americans.
- They're the other exception.
- Oh, great! - Along with the Swiss.
- (Dad) The Japanese.
So, it's the Americans, the Swiss and the Japanese? - And the Germans.
- Pete! You're a big fat Japanese.
OK, can we just drop this, all right? ls Auntie Angela American? No! Crisp, anyone? Jake, would you rather be a pig or arabbit? A pig.
I wouldn't want all those kids picking me up.
Dad says that he's worried that you're a bully.
No, he's not worried that I'm a bully, he's worried that I'm being bullied.
To be honest, I'm getting rather fed up with all the questions.
l know how to stop it though.
(Beeps) - Oh, bloody hell! - What is it? It's another disgusting text.
- From Kamal? - Probably.
He's not using his own mobile and you can't trace the calls.
It's on the website.
You know, you can't trace it.
- He's not that stupid then, is he? - No, he's not stupid at a What website? Oh.
You know, the What's on it? Um There's sort of a cartoon of you.
You with animals.
It doesn't look like you.
No one would know it was you if you didn't have your name on the axe.
What axe? The one in your head.
God, I bet it's that bloody Kamal again.
He thinks he's invulnerable because his dad's on the council.
- His dad's on the council? - It's not gonna affect anything.
Think how it would look if the head of the education committee The head of the education committee? lf anything, it makes it harder for them to discipline me.
Right, right.
Thanks for the help with the packing up, Angela.
Dad and I are just off for a quick look at the sow and her litter.
Come on, Dad.
(Beeping) Jeez, look at that one.
(Ben) She is so fat! (Sue) Ben, stop it! Fifteen.
Sixteen.
You may think that Tiger Woods is good, but he has never had to hit a ball through a cow's arse.
You've been worrying about that website, haven't you? I've been showing you up in front of your friends.
No, they think it's kind of cool.
Do they? Nick thinks it's like having a dad on TV.
Nick? He's one of the gang in my class.
There's a whole load of us, we love Family Guy and hate Chekea.
You're in a gang? Yeah.
That's nice.
l was in a gang once.
Well, it was Cubs.
Seventeen.
Hi, Karen.
I found a necklace I bought in Greece.
Would you like to have it? You don't have to say thank you.
Why do you smile so much? Well, I smile because I'm a happy person.
You don't want me to stop being a happy person, do you? Twenty.
Twenty-one.
Ben, get down! - Can I have this? - No.
No, I said 3£ or less.
- This is cool! - Even if it is cool, it's 3£ or less.
l only came cos you said we could get a toy.
Can I have this? Well, it's a Ooh! You said I could have something under £10.
Well, I know, but it's got over 100 parts, all of which I shall be picking up every evening.
I don't think I'll play with them evey evening, only some.
- oh! - That's unfair! She gets to spend things under £10.
I have to spend things under stupid old £3.
- She's got her birthday money.
- Come on, Mum's right.
No more money, Ben.
You never give me any money on my birthday.
- Oh, Ben! - Hey, guys, - you can have £10 each from Auntie Angela! - Yay! - Jake, d'you want £10? - Yeah, thanks.
Erm, where's Granddad? Oh, he's Erm I thought he should have a moment's quiet before we all drove home.
He's just having a little sit-down.
l don't think he likes it when people crowd him.
D'you want me to help you look for him? Can I have this? That's not suitable for children your age.
ln fact, it's not for sale and belongs to the man fixing the fridge over there.
- You need to take it back.
- Angela? - Dad? - Angela, where are you? It's OK, Dad, we're here.
I thought you'd gone.
No, no.
I thought you were with Angela.
I You lost him.
Oh, sorry, was it a mental gymnastics exercise? The first time you look after him and you lose him! You've lost him before.
Oh, yeah, go on, take her side.
(Ben) I want this.
Maybe you should've married her, and then you could be wandering around India catching intestinal parasites together.
- This is what I want.
- You can't have it.
You really don't want me around, do you? You want to go on being Saint Sue, sacrificing yourself, caring for Dad.
- Someone has to.
- No, they don't, you're over-protective, I'm not an invalid.
I'm fine with Angela.
(Pete) You can't have it, come on.
OK If that's what you want.
- No arguing, give it back.
- Why can't I have it? - You can't have it.
- I want it! Take your hands off it, right.
Come on.
- Stranger, stranger! - I'm not a stranger, I'm his dad.
Come on.
It's just a thing he does.
- Stranger, stranger.
- Come on, Ben.
He really is his dad.
- There isn't much physical resemblance.
- Stranger.
- Right, I'm going to pick you up.
- Stranger, stranger! - Come on.
- Stranger, stranger! Ben, it's not funny.
Come on, Ben.
Come on, Ben.
I'm not called Ben! (Mooing) (Bleating) What's that? Where did you get it? Um, fromplaying.
Playing what? A big boys' game.
But let's not tell anyone.
Shall we keep it as our little secret? (Sighs) D'you know, that was possibly the worst family outing ever.
Apart from the bird sanctuary.
Ohthat incredibly rare duck.
Ex-duck.
Then of course, there was St PauI's Cathedral.
Projectile vomiting in the Whispering Gallery.
I'm sorry I snapped earlier.
It was Angela and I took it out on you.
It's OK.
They're lovely when they're asleep, aren't they, eh? D'you know, Jan says that now theirs are all teenagers, they look back on them being this age as the best bit.
Sol suppose we ought to enjoy it.
Make the most of He's got a rabbit.