Outsourced (2010) s01e03 Episode Script

Okay, everyone, be sure to push these t-shirts.
They're great impulse buys.
Todd.
This shirt is for me Because I care about the environment.
[laughing.]
nice.
"spooning may lead to forking.
" Ha ha.
That's kind of a pun.
I understand, I just can't believe A man would wear a shirt like this in public.
That's actually a women's shirt.
Really? All right, lk.
They're jokes.
They're kind of like icebreakers, A way to start a conversation.
You don't have to me a woman's family Or have a good job-- you can meet her Just by what it says on her t-shirt? Yeah, it's possible.
Wow.
What is a mustache ride? That's a little too advanced for today.
Maybe next week.
[quietly.]
oh.
If I give you ten cents, May I have a ride to work tomorrow? [indian-themed pop music.]
[telephone voice.]
okay, thank you very much, please, good bye.
Oh, man, have you seen tonya today? She is ten pounds of pretty in a five-pound sack.
- She's extra pretty.
- Yeah, got it.
You have a special lady back home? Uh, nothing serious, you know, just dating.
Although, I did meet a girl right before I got here.
I told her I was leaving the country And that kind of made things intense.
We had an amazing weekend.
You should keep in touch with her, man.
You don't want to lose someone like that.
Well, it's a little tough.
She thinks I'm in iraq.
Yeah, not proud.
Here she comes.
Gotta get this right.
I'm gonna ask her out today.
How's my breath? I see you haven't run out of slim jimset.
Uh, okay, I'll leave you to it.
No, no, no.
You're my wingman.
Help me out here.
I need a pickup line.
You don't need a pickup line.
Just be yourself.
"uh, hey, tonya, if you were a deer, I'd shoot you and mount you.
" - Be someone else.
- Right.
G'day, fellas.
How's the arvo going? Oh.
Come on, arvo.
Aussie for afternoon.
Oh, okay.
That's good to know.
I once shot a kangaroo.
So there you go.
So charlie was telling me about This indian restaurant he really likes.
It's supposed to be amazing, right? Yeah, it's amazing.
You might like it.
What's it called? Ting tang wallah walla bing bang.
It's a chain.
[clears throat.]
Maybe Friday, if you're free for dinner.
Um, yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, we should all go out.
Oh.
Well, I-- [cell phone rings.]
Oh, sorry, that's me.
So tomorrow nigh right? Cool, bye.
Hey.
- I'm sorry-- - no.
You put her in the crosshairs, and I pulled the trigger.
Looks like I'm about to bag my second roo.
Only thing is, now you need a date.
- Okay.
- Oh, man.
How do you drink hot tea in this weather? - It's not that hot.
- Not that hot? I can't stop sweating.
The guidebook told me to use baby powder.
Now I've got a paste factory in my pants.
So our friendship is to the place Where we say anything we think? I'm sorry.
Hey, uh, manmeet, I did want to ask you something, though.
Huh? So how does the whole dating thing work here in india? - Oh, it's a nightmare, man.
- Yeah? You have to be from the right family, Have the right education-- It's not like in america.
I heard women ask the men out.
You can just be driving down the street, And a woman will come up to your car And ask if you want a date.
I think those women charge for their dates, But, yeah, this is pretty different.
Why do you ask? Well, I got roped into having dinner With charlie and tonya tomorrow night.
I don't have a date, and-- And you're wondering how you can ask asha.
- What? - Mm-hmm.
No, no.
[laughing.]
I know you like her, man.
No, I don't.
Todd, I've seen the way you look at her.
I look at her the way I look at any other employee.
I've seen it, okay? This is how you look at the rest of the employees.
This is how you look at asha.
[laughs.]
You notice the difference? Rest of the employees Asha.
Employees.
Asha.
Employees-- Okay! Look, I don't do that.
But even if I was interested in her, you know, This whole work thing.
I'm her boss, and she works for me.
I've only ever role-played this, And even then I'm never the boss.
What would you do in america? Uh, probably do the group thing.
You know, tell her a bunch of people are going out for dinner, And then at the restaurant, sit next to her, Pull out the charm, maybe even Break out my baby chick story.
Your what? My uncle had a farm.
And one summer, a hen died And I ended up hand-raising these baby chicks.
Is there a picture, you ask? Why, yes.
Yes, there is.
Oh, my-- You're feeding a baby chick with an eyedropper.
And if we were on a date right now, you would be mine.
So do you think you can charm asha Into going out with you? Watch and learn.
What a hot day today.
Why, madhuri, I didn't realize What a sparkling conversationalist you were.
Tell me more about this heat you speak of? Well, I was just saying-- Sarcasm! Leave me.
I just came to say that gurpreet Is making a personal call.
Hey, asha.
Hey, so, uh, a couple of people from work Are going out to dinner tomorrow night.
Do you want to join us? Where are you going? I don't know, is there Someplace you've always wanted to try? Well, lal mirch is supposed to be amazing.
I'll get a reservation.
I'll be there.
Bye.
Step one, get her to dinner.
Check.
Man, that was so smooth.
I'm like someone who wants to paint Watching someone who knows how to paintPaint.
What can I say? I'm the man with the plan.
- [laughing.]
- asha just told me.
I'm so excited we're all going out tomorrow night.
Oh, I can't believe we're socializing outside of work.
Don't tell madhuri.
Let's keep it a-list.
Sometimes plans backfire.
[indian dance music plays.]
What do you think? Great place.
So is this a gay club? No! In india, men often dance with each other.
It doesn't mean that they're gay.
As you say, it's no big deal.
Todd, do you want to dance? Uh, no, thanks.
I'm just going to stay here And make sure we get a table.
- Do you want to-- - nope.
- Are you sure? - No.
- But it's a lot of fun.
- No.
[laughter.]
I got it.
Yesterday's history, tomorrow's a mystery.
But today is a gift, And that is why we call it the present.
[laughter.]
Cheers, cheers.
That's really beautiful.
Thank you.
It's the turtle from kung fu panda.
You should rent it.
As my dad always said, "if you can't feel your hands and you can't feel your feet, Put down your glass, it's time to eat.
" - Yes! - I'll drink to that.
- [laughter.]
- all right! Okay.
Mm.
As my father used to say, "shut your mouth! Shut your mouth! I can't hear the radio!" [laughs.]
Okay.
[others softly chuckle.]
All righty, then.
As we say in australia, "up your bum!" [laughing.]
yes.
Up all our bums.
Ha ha! [both scream.]
What are you doing here? My aunt's family is visiting, So there's not enough room for me in the bedroom.
I would have to sleep on the roof.
So? So I thought-- My key? You took my key? It was only for two nights.
You are trespassing on company property.
Todd will hear about this.
Now go! But what are you doing here? Excuse me? What are you doing here? Did you just question me? No, sir, I would never question you, But what are you doing here? I am here doing work.
The assistant manager has responsibilities Your pea brain could never even imagine.
Sir? I found your nest.
My father's air-conditioning is broken, until I can arrange-- Well, what am I doing? I don't owe you an explanation! Out! I'm sorry, sir.
I was wrong to come.
Tomorrow I will confess to todd Everything that happened here.
W-wait! I never measured any part of my body with a ruler.
[laughter.]
All right, all right, my turn.
I never have been attracted to anyone I work with.
Okay, I'll go.
I never shaved my legs.
I wanted to see what it felt like.
Here's one, I never slept with anyone on the first date.
Oh, boy.
Wah, wah.
Oh, come on.
What? You never got carried away on a date before? I don't really date.
No way.
What, the guys are intimidated by your looks? Your looks scare me.
That came out wrong.
It's complicated.
No, it's not.
Her parents are arranging her marriage.
See? Done.
Oh, you're doing an arranged marriage.
- Really? - Yeah.
How does that work? Well, my parents meet prospective grooms, Then, of the guys that they approve, I'll choose one.
Ah, and then you start dating the guy? No, no, no.
You date after you agree to the marriage.
That's ass-backwards.
Sorry, but it is.
All right, with this arranged thing, On your wedding night, you'll finally be Sleeping with someone on the first date.
Ha! [laughing.]
up your bum! We're done with that.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm still not getting this.
Shouldn't you be marrying someone that you love? No, no, no, no, no.
You can learn to love someone.
My parents' marriage was arranged, And they've been together for 40 years.
They sleep in separate bedrooms Because my mother doesn't like the sound My father makes when he sleeps.
[snores.]
It's like a train.
Okay, think about it like this.
A love marriage is like hot soup That grows cold over time.
An arranged marriage is like cold soup That you heat over time.
[inhales.]
not for me.
I like my soup piping hot.
I like to slurp my soup.
- Over the line.
- Sorry.
Don't look at me like that.
You don't have to be so sad.
This is something that I want to do.
And, at the end of the day, I still get to choose who I want.
Really? Really.
Well, I am very glad that you told me that.
- What are you doing? - What are you doing? What am I doing? Wait, wait, I haven't shown you my baby chicken.
In case they don't come back.
Sure.
Good night, sir.
Thank you for the pillow.
Are you asleep? I never told you, but I just Wanted to say thank you for hiring me.
This job means everything to my family.
[flatulence.]
Oh, now I understand this product.
[dance music.]
To the worst double date in history.
I'd say "up your bum," But it's not as much fun since our dates left.
Cheers.
You believe this sausage fest? Yeah, it's crazy.
Music's not bad, though.
No, it's got a good beat.
What if we went out there? - As a joke.
- Yeah, as a joke.
- I'm in.
All right.
- I'm in.
Ah! [shouts indistinctly.]
Okay! [laughs.]
Come on, come on, get into it.
Hey! Madhuri, what did you do last night? That's great.
I went on a double date.
It's what americans do.
We went to lal mirch, I had plenty of pakoras, It was fantastic, we had a good-- [mutters.]
Todd.
You okay, man? Oh, man.
India is the worst place for a hangover.
The heat, the smell, the crowds.
Hey, how offensive do you think it would be If I bought a turban and filled it with ice? Man, I'm sorry about your date disaster.
MmYou know about that? Everyone does.
We don't have an inter-office newsletter, But we do have gupta.
Oh! And todd, there's no unsubscribing.
Oh, man.
Hey.
Oh, sir? May I have your signature right here, please? Yeah, yeah, sure.
Thank you.
Uh-huh.
You know, sir.
Many of our customers who bought their girlfriends The anti-bitch pills Later ended up buying the "I'm so sorry" teddy bear.
Why not save on shipping and buy y, eh? I'm sorry,a'am, But the "world's best mom" t-shirts [Woman on teleone.]
aw, crap! Was gonna wear that t- hey, asha, umG.
I wanted to apologize for last night And the whole feet thing.
Yes, that was surprising.
I imagine you're more accustomed To putting your foot in your mouth.
Ha! Yeah, I actually thought you Started touching me with your foot.
You know, I hate to leave a lady hanging.
Ah, so she really isn't dead.
So, uh, so what's next On the marriage agenda? Your parents are gonna meet some new guys, And then there's the talent portion, Maybe the swimsuit competition.
Actually, I go over their bio-data.
Bio-data? Yes, it's a resume for an arranged marriage.
List a man's education, his job, His religion, things like that.
Interesting.
I wonder if I threw my bio-data in the mix, How I would stack up? I think you'd make it through the first round.
Really? Yes.
In fact, I know a woman Who is considering you right now.
Todd, someone wants to speak to the manager urgently.
Go ahead, put him through.
Sorry, asha.
Mid america novelties.
This is todd, how can I help you? - [tonya on phone.]
- I'd like to lodge a complaint.
There's an evening I'd like to return.
Well, I'm sorry, we don't do refunds.
Well, in that case, I would like an exchange.
Let me describe to you the product That I'm interested in.
Great smile, hazel eyes, and bloody adorable.
Well, that item isn't feeling so adorable right now.
Last night it got hammered And danced with a bunch of dudes.
Well, lucky for you, I've got just the hangover cure.
So last night was kind of weird With all the misunderstandings.
Yeah, your foot went on a walkabout in my crotch.
Well, now you know I'm very direct.
No matter what the obstacle, I go after what I want.
Yeah, yeah.
Me too.
You know, if you ever get tired Of banging your head against the wall with asha, You could always try banging-- You know what? I think I've made my position pretty clear.
Cheers.
Aah, mumbai! Yaaah.
Charlie? Hey.
What are you doing in a hotel? I have no idea.
I drank so much, I must have blacked out.
Last thing I remember, I was on the dance floor with tonya.
That great smile, Hazel eyes, cute little button nose.
Uh, charlie, that was me.
You're strong enough to dip me? Yeah, you grabbed my boob.
I think it's best we just forget the whole night ever happened.
Done.
Hey, get me one of those coconuts, will ya? I hate blacking out.
I hope I didn't embarrass myself last night.
You know, we're passing lots of stores that sell clothes.
I could loan you a couple of bucks.
I don't borrow money.
I've got my dignity.
Nice breeze.
I'm not looking forward to the bus ride home in this heat.
All those people who had lentils for lunch.
Gupta, what did you have for lunch? Lentils.
I'm not saying it's going to be A pleasure cruise for them, either.
Well, I'm going to sleep like a baby tonight.
My father got his air-conditioning fixed.
I'd invite you guys all over, but you are not my equals.
That may offend you, but it doesn't matter Because, once again, you are not my equals.
What do you think you're doing? Going home.
Did you sign your call logs? - Yes.
- No? How many times do I have to tell you? You are incompetent.
Page 45 of the employee manual Clearly states that you must sign your call log At the end of every day.
Read it before you go home tonight.
If you can read.