Parks and Recreation s01e03 Episode Script

Okay, now, see, here's a good example of a plant that you can't eat.
See all the spikes? So, two things.
One, it's poisonous.
And two, it would hurt.
LESLIE The Parks Department has so many programs.
Jerry's in charge of our pre-teen nature hikes.
For a while, it was a teenage nature hike, but then we changed it because a girl got pregnant.
Look what we have here, country honeysuckle, Pawnee-style.
Yeah, take a look at that.
Wow.
It's pretty and it smells good.
Mmm.
Smells great.
Yeah, it's really nice.
Mmm.
That's bitter.
Leslie, you don't eat it.
Oh! Why did you let me eat that? I never told you to eat that.
Oh! God.
Leslie, the animals know you don't eat the country honeysuckle.
I'm not an animal.
My tongue is swelling up.
No, don't touch it! No, you can't Okay, now you'll have to throw that away.
Let's not scare the kids.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
Well, there we go then.
Let's see what else is here.
So let's tell them what other plants we can eat, Jerry.
But I have to say, there's a very sweet aftertaste though.
LESLIE So I have a piece of good news.
I've invited a reporter to come do an article about the pit behind your house.
She writes for the Pawnee Journal, which is kind of like our town's Washington Post.
That sounds really good.
Thank you, Ann.
It is a classic strategy.
The press is a weapon and you can use it to kill people or to feed people.
You know, the beginning of projects are very vulnerable, and you have to make sure that you get a lot of press, 'cause the momentum of that can kind of keep it alive, or else it'll die.
I mean, I'm sure you remember the Tucker Park Graffiti Removal Project.
The Tucker Park Graffiti Removal Project was a great idea that just ran out of steam.
We had removed five cartoon penises, not even 10%, when we were shut down due to lack of funding.
To this day, I am haunted by those remaining penises.
One penis in particular.
Now, when the reporter gets here, it is vital that we all follow my rules about how to deal with the media.
Rule number one, stay on message.
This is key.
All we need to talk about is the pit, and the fact that we're gonna turn it into a park.
And that's it.
Okay? Number two What? Stay on message again? Yes, it's that important.
It's one and two.
Stay on message and stay on message.
Right? Stay on what, Ann? Message.
Great.
ANN Leslie formed a committee to fill the pit in a week, which is really impressive.
I mean, until now, my only experience with government was trying to get a recycling bin.
Wait.
Did I ever get it? Bye, Leslie.
Bye, Ann.
Hey, Mark? Yeah.
Buy you a cup of coffee? This is JJ's Diner, the unofficial meeting place of Pawnee's political elite.
The people who eat here basically run this town.
So, listen, I was hoping maybe I could pick your brain about how to deal with the media.
It's my first interview.
What about that thing you did for the middle school newspaper last year? Oh.
No.
I don't count that.
That was a smear job.
So I put together some discussion topics.
Can I run them by you? Okay.
What do you think her opening gambit is gonna be? What is she gonna ask me first? How you spell your name.
Of course.
Because of the silent "K.
" You're so smart.
Yeah.
Okay, now should I give her a tour of the building How many discussion questions do you have there? Um Thirty.
Wow! You're insane.
Mark and I made love once.
And it was very intense.
Hi, I'm looking for Leslie Knope.
Okay.
Oh! My ears are ringing.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm Leslie Knope.
Hi.
I'm the deputy director of Parks and Recreation.
Shauna.
Malwae-Tweep.
Yes, I am familiar with your work.
I've read everything you've ever written.
You did an amazing in-depth article on the raccoon problem here in Pawnee.
Who left the door open? No! No! No! And I agree with you.
They are nature's bandits.
Thanks.
I was happy with that line.
So, can I give you a quick tour before we get started? I've been here before.
A few times.
Quick tour? Okay.
So there are 10 murals here in this hallway.
And this is called "The trial of Chief Wamapo.
" It was painted in 1936 and this is Chief Wamapo and he was convicted of crimes against the soldiers.
I am always amazed at his quiet dignity right before he's killed by a cannonball.
I'm surprised no one's complained about this.
Oh, tons of people have.
Yeah, we get letters every day.
This is Ron Swanson, our boss.
Ron, this is the reporter I was telling you about.
No comment.
About what? Hey, Haverford, maybe one day you'll figure out how to spell a three-letter word.
Come on, Ron.
I play a lot of online Scrabble with my boss, Ron Swanson, and, oh, my God, that guy is the best.
He beats me every time.
He kills me.
He's awesome.
I can't beat him.
I should just close my account.
Well, Shauna, this is our crack team.
Hi, everyone.
Tom Haverford, boy genius.
Smooth like milk chocolate.
That's a weird way to describe me.
April Ludgate, 19.
Cool enough to be invited anywhere and chooses to be here.
And finally, we've got Ann Perkins and Andy Dwyer.
They're the real heroes of this story.
Ann was the citizen who brought the pit to our attention.
And Andy is the citizen who fell in it.
Great.
It's cool if I record this, right? Yeah.
Good.
That way it's verbatim.
So, Leslie, you're in charge of the committee.
I'm sorry.
It's actually called a subcommittee, not a committee, so.
We can do all this on tape.
Right.
Sorry.
Sure we can.
And this is where you meet, generally? Really? We meet at a bunch of different places.
We don't always meet here.
So I didn't quite know how to answer that.
Okay, why don't I ask the rest of your team some questions and then we will come back to you later? Okay, great.
That's a good idea.
Because these are the real heroes.
I'm gonna be in my office.
So, Andy, tell me about the night you fell into the pit.
Oh.
Yeah.
That's actually a great story.
I just finished up a gig with my band Three Skin, formerly Four Skin, but our bassist left for personal reasons.
And I was taking a shortcut home, and I thought I saw a toaster lying in the pit.
And I was like, "Maybe I should get that.
" And I fell in and broke my legs.
Such a tragedy.
Why would you want a toaster that's lying at the bottom of the pit? I don't know.
I was pretty wasted.
Wait.
You were drunk? Oh, yeah.
Totally.
You knew that.
I didn't know that, no.
You should've told me, because we gave you anesthesia at the hospital.
I was probably not thinking 'cause I had two broken femurs and I was blackout drunk.
Andy, I just I can't believe I'm just finding this out right now.
Like you're perfect.
You're on the pill.
You drink all the time.
You're allowed to do that.
Stay on message.
Thank you so much for bringing that up in front of a reporter.
Leslie, it's not that bad, right? I mean, why don't we just go back in there and talk about the park? Oh, Ann.
You're so sweet and innocent and pretty.
The press are like sharks, and you guys just dumped a bucket of chum in the water.
Hey, I just got your 15 texts.
Mark.
Listen, thank you for coming.
I tried to stay on message.
Mmm-hmm.
But then, Ann and Andy sandbagged me.
Andy was drunk when he fell in the pit.
And it turns out that Ann is on birth-control pills.
Okay.
Shauna is in the conference room, and she's writing a really bad article and it's gonna destroy us all.
Please fix it.
April, let me ask you something.
Do you think I'm in the top five best-looking Indian guys in Pawnee? No.
Who do you think's got me beat? That guy Hashish at City Planning? Tommy boy.
Let me tell you something, Tom.
You suck at Scrabble.
I know.
You're destroying me.
You're worse than my ex-wife, and she's terrible at Scrabble.
And she's a bitch.
Look out, man.
I'm gonna get you one of these days.
I'm practicing.
Yeah, I doubt that.
Her name is Tammy Swanson and she's a serious bitch.
Hey, Leslie.
I have to go.
Let's do the interview tomorrow morning at the pit.
Yeah.
Perfect.
Great.
I'll have a photographer meet us there.
Okay.
Great.
See you then.
Disaster averted.
That was easy, right? Yeah? Can we go in your car? Absolutely.
All right.
'Cause I hate driving.
There's a beautiful view from over there.
This is a great place to take a shot.
Over there as well, so I think you're fine.
Hi! Hi.
Sorry I'm late.
Oh, no problem.
Do you live near Mark? No, not at all.
So he gave you a ride somehow? Yeah.
You know, do you have a pen? 'Cause I don't No, sorry.
Michael, do you have any paper I could borrow? I might, yeah.
I don't mean to complain, but I think Shauna is being a little unprofessional.
She got here She's wearing the same dress she wore yesterday.
And she had to get a ride from So how big is this lot? Leslie, how big is What? How big is the lot? The lot? How big is what? I don't know.
You tell me.
How big is the lot? A hundred or something.
Give or take 100.
I don't know.
A hundred what? I don't know, Shauna Malwae-Tweep.
I don't know.
I don't I guess I don't know anything.
Are you okay? I have to get something from my car.
What are you doing? Kicking Ron's butt at Scrabble.
I just played "lexicons" for a billion points.
No, no, no, no, no.
What? I was letting him win, dumbass.
Whatever.
Oh.
Come on.
"Lateral, communal, zonal"? You dropped a "Z" in there? April.
So when did you start at the Parks Department? Well, it was a few years ago.
My mother got me the job.
I was qualified.
It's not like it was nepotism.
Crap on a stick.
Okay, technically, yes, it was nepotism.
But Oh, my God.
No, it wasn't.
Sorry.
It's not you.
I just I'm exhausted.
I got, like, zero sleep last night.
So Oh.
Hey, Leslie.
Hey! You're home.
Yeah, I'm home.
I was doing an interview at the pit, and it was going really well.
In fact, it was going perfect.
But I decided to leave in the middle of it 'cause I figured I nailed it so why push it, right? Yeah.
Can I come in? Sure, yeah.
Great.
Come on in.
So how'd it go? She didn't ask about Andy being drunk, did she? Oh.
No.
No, just your kind of standard questions.
There was one annoying thing.
She and Mark had sex with each other.
You're kidding.
I wish I was, but I'm not.
They did it.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep and Mark Brendanawicz had sex with each other last night.
Who had sex? That guy Mark and the reporter.
Called it.
I called that.
You remember that? Yeah.
He did, actually.
He totally called that.
Why do men have to behave like this? Why can't they be professionals? Men are dogs.
You know, maybe they really like each other.
He doesn't like her.
He was probably thinking with the head of his wiener instead of the head of his brain.
Oh.
God.
Andy, come on.
Men do that.
It's disgusting.
Well, I should go talk to him.
Make sure that he didn't say anything to hurt the project.
Yeah.
Definitely, you should talk to him.
Yeah.
Good idea, Ann.
I bet he didn't use a condom.
Andy, God! LESLIE Hello, Mark.
May I come into your office? I need to speak with you about something very sensitive.
Something's come to my attention that requires your attention.
It has come to my attention that you had sex with Ms.
Malwae-Tweep.
That's personal.
It's unethical and it's irresponsible for a public servant to have sex with a member of the press corps.
Especially when you have sex with someone who is so skanky.
I mean, have sex with her and I'm gonna say something.
I don't want you to take it the wrong way.
But you're being a huge dork.
Well, I can't allow that kind of behavior from someone serving on my subcommittee.
Well, then I resign from your subcommittee.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep.
Hi, this is deputy director of Parks and Recreation Leslie? Hi.
Yes, hi.
I accidentally ate an old burrito.
What? I was acting strange at the pit and the reason is because I had food poisoning from an old burrito.
So, I was hoping we could have a do-over interview.
Maybe over lunch.
I'm buying.
Yeah, I guess I'm free.
I'm assuming not Mexican.
Why? Because of the burrito.
Oh! Yeah, well, it wasn't a Mexican burrito.
Are you sure that's the best thing for you right now? Oh, it's the best thing on the menu.
So, look, I feel like I may have gone a little off message at the pit.
Yeah, you seemed a little weird.
Well, I wouldn't say weird.
It's just, we're trying to turn a dangerous eyesore into a beautiful community park and a positive article could go a long way towards making that happen.
Great.
So what do you think the odds are that this park is actually gonna get made? Can I say over 100%? Because I would be lying if I said less.
Wow.
You seem a lot more confident than some of the other people I've spoken to.
Can I read you some of these quotes? Be my guest.
"The Sullivan Street pit is always going to be a pit.
" Well, until it turns into a park.
Yes, I agree.
"Hey, you should write an article on unicorns, "because they're more likely to exist than this park.
" Oh, really? Tell that to a 14-year-old girl.
"You should write an article on the Pope getting married, "because that's more likely to happen than this park.
" There are some countries where the Pope can be married.
"You should write an article on talking monkeys.
" Really? Have you seen The Wizard of Oz? "You should write an article about leprechauns.
" Leprechauns exist.
"You should write an article about the sun falling out of the sky.
" Why would you write an article about that? That's This one is just "No.
" "This park is never, ever, ever, ever going to happen.
" Might I ask who said that? Mark Brendanawicz.
Yeah.
Hey.
Hi.
Can I talk to you for a second? Yeah, what's up? You and I need to find a way to fix this reporter thing.
Why is this a big deal to anybody? Well, apparently, the reporter is gonna print everything you said to her.
But I didn't say anything to her.
"The park is never, ever, ever, ever getting built?" But that stuff was off the record.
Did you say it was off the record? Do you have to say it's off the record? Oh, God.
Hey.
Thank you so much for meeting us.
Sure.
Hey, Mark.
Hey.
Uh I heard that you were gonna print some of that stuff that I said in private about the park.
Oh, yeah.
My editor loves it.
You know, we'd really appreciate it if you didn't print that stuff 'cause we're trying to build this park I don't understand.
You did say it, right? Technically.
Technically? Well, you know, you got up because you had to write the article and I said, "Come on, stay in bed.
"That park is never, ever, ever gonna get made.
" Right.
And then I came back to bed.
Yeah, but the important part of what I said was, "Stay in bed.
" You know, I would've said anything at that point if I thought it would make you stay in bed.
Okay, well, since we're, you know, romantically involved, I won't print any of it.
That's great.
Thank you so much.
You're welcome.
You know, I wouldn't say romantically involved.
You know, going forward.
Oh, my God.
What? Ron Swanson.
Tom.
Ron, I don't know what to tell you, man.
April got on my computer.
Password was saved.
She played a couple of Scrabble words.
It wasn't me.
I don't even know what lexicons are.
I thought that was a luxury automobile.
You're the word king.
She was probably cheating.
I knew that couldn't have been you.
You don't have the vocabulary.
I know.
You can't even spell vocabulary.
Yeah.
V-O-G-X Was that right? No.
We're cool.
I'm not an idiot.
I know Tom has been losing to me on purpose.
But I like Tom.
He doesn't do a lot of work around here.
He shows zero initiative.
He's not a team player.
He's never one to go that extra mile.
Tom is exactly what I'm looking for in a government employee.
Hey, you busy? Well, I'm writing an op-ed piece about media ethics for the Pawnee Journal, so, yeah, I'm a little busy.
I wanted to apologize to you.
Really? Yeah.
I never should've done anything with that reporter.
Whoa! You nailed Malwae-Tweep? Nice.
Yes, but I'm not gonna do it again.
It's over.
So she's available.
I really did think that that stuff that I said was off the record.
But you were right, and I should've listened to you.
I tried to get her to pull some of those quotes and things got a little dicey.
Well, I appreciate you trying.
Would you like to be reinstated onto our subcommittee? Absolutely.
You'll have my answer within the month.
Mark, can I ask you a question? You didn't really believe it when you said that the park was never gonna get made, right? Park's gonna get done.
Welcome back, subcommittee member Mark Brendanawicz.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thanks, a lot.
Thank you a lot.
Man, that dude has stuck it in some crazy chicks.
LESLIE Well, the article came out, and it was a mixed bag.
"An abandoned lot on Sullivan Street "has been proposed as the site of a new park.
" That part's good.
I think we stayed on message for that part.
And then it gets a little unpleasant.
"Pretty drunk, Ann's on the pill.
" I didn't "throw up," I spit up.
JJ's Diner gets a nice mention.
Oh, and right here.
At the end.
She writes, and I quote, "We'll see.
" Ends on a hopeful note.