Peep Show (2003) s01e03 Episode Script

'Life's all pain.
Pain, rejection and gloom.
'Why do we pretend there's not a yawning blankness at the heart of 'Hey, 330/0 extra free.
I am doing excellent shopping.
'My depression means I'm being even more frugal than normal.
' - Mark! - Hey, Jeremy.
You realise tinned food is just for crackheads and wars? Oh, no, mate, - this stuff's 78 pence a 100ml.
- Yeah, it's first pressing.
You don't wait until everyone else has had fun with the olives.
Fourth pressing, that's a party in your mouth! Look, we've been through this before, I do the joint shopping solo because I don't make impulse purchases and Mark! I'm not shopping, I just came to tell you that we've been invited to a very wicked party.
Do I look like a man who goes to wicked parties? Ask Toni.
I did, actually, but she said no.
But it's better this way - two lads.
We've got to get out there, grooving, doing it, you know? It's been a long time for either of us.
I haven't had my oats in something like two weeks.
'Nine months and 13 days.
' Look, people will think we spend the whole time wanking.
Don't be ridiculous, they're for wiping up mess.
Yeah, man mess.
That's why they're mansize.
They're for men - men's noses, big manly snot.
Oh, Mark, come on, man, let it go.
What? Why do you have to have a huge can of lager that makes you really drunk? What if you want to get Sophie home and get her all lathered up? That's not going to happen.
- Oh, shit, did you? - Mm-hm.
And she? I mean, it's not a date or anything because I've got a mega-pass.
How do you feel about row G? - Tonight? - Yeah, I thought Oh, Mark, listen, I'm sorry, I'd love to but, er I've got this thing.
Oh, man, I'm But listen, this is the perfect time to get back in the game.
You know? Two guys, together, out, looking for it.
No, thank you.
How much pain can I experience at home with spaghetti carbonara and Das Boot? Look, it's Friday night, most people don't do their shopping now, - they're out right now.
- Right.
No queues.
So who exactly is winning, eh? 'OK, well, I'm here so I'll just sit here and drink.
'No one can stop me doing that.
'Just drink myself to death.
'I bet he gets sex tonight and I have to listen to it through the wall.
'Maybe she might go to the bathroom and accidentally come into my room.
'And what? She fucks you? No, she says "whoops" and goes out.
'Stop doing this to yourself.
' So, safe party, yeah? Super safe! 'OK, playing it cool, huh? 'All right, how about I go a little Oscar Wilde on your ass? ' I always go for the first pressing.
I mean, why wait until everyone else has had fun with the olives, right? 'What's her problem? This is the 21 st century.
'Olive oil is an acceptable topic.
' 'Someone here's got psoriasis.
'One of the less common skin ailments.
Yeast infection.
'Thrush if you're thinking glamorous, athlete's foot if you're not.
'A fellow migraine sufferer.
'Everyone at this party isn't as young, fit and single as they make out.
'Let's face it, we're all falling apart piece by piece.
'Doesn't matter if you're single or in a couple, 'you are going to die.
' Er frozen stuff.
I, er, don't want them to, you know, thaw.
Hey! You got Findus Crispy Pancakes - I love them! They're just so disgusting, aren't they? Er, yeah.
My sister, who's a smackhead, I ended up there for Christmas dinner and we had turkey Findus Crispy Pancakes.
I wanted to kill myself.
That would be the natural reaction.
- Can I have a jam doughnut? - Er, yeah, sure.
So who are you trying to bone tonight? Oh, I'm not in the game.
If I can get my shopping home intact I'll be happy.
Just like, be honest about it.
I mean, let's line up, two naked rows, best-looking people can pick the best-looking, the dregs get the dregs and we can get it over with.
That's a very attractive system you're proposing.
And it saves them having to humiliate themselves.
Check out this guy.
Yeah.
'Knew this would pay off.
Talking's bullshit.
"'Yeah, I did this.
I go there.
" 'OK, there's a new guy in town.
Probably just a friend.
'Yeah.
Me, her and her friend.
Kind of nice really.
'H-Hey! That's a foul! Fuck! 'God, she must be loving this.
I feel so cheap.
'I really thought we had something.
' So you work in an office and you've got, like, your computer and your desk God, that is so fucking weird! Yeah, well, you know, everything's decaying, so the way I see it has there ever been a better time to save up for a very comfortable sofa? 'She's a teenager, Mark.
You'll get castrated by the menfolk.
'Maybe she's a - 'Oh, God.
' - Hey! Love the suit! Are you selling insurance? No need to look like you're sittin' on a brush, man, we're only razzin' ya.
? We are the mods ? We are the mods ? We are, we are, we are the mods? My brother is such a dickhead.
I wish he was dead.
That's a bit much.
Just pretend you need his bone marrow.
That's agony.
'She's snogging him already.
The dream is over, I am detritus.
' Hey, Jez! I just wanted to tell you, we're going.
- To the Lazer Bowl.
- The Lazer Bowl? Yeah, me and Valerie.
We were gonna kill her brother but we thought the Lazer Bowl would be more fun.
Me, you and Valerie are going to the Lazer Bowl? I hadn't thought you would be.
See you later at home? Do you think Would you mind taking the shopping? I've left some stuff in the freezer compartment.
Hey, maybe I could bring someone along? Er I mean - I guess.
- I'll call Toni.
Yeah, no, this is perfect, cos I'll just say, "Hey, me, Mark and Valerie are off down the Lazer Bowl, do you wanna come?" - And she'll be, like, "Hell, yeah!" - You think so? So he was all, you want a piece of the action? And I was all, hell, yeah! I mean, this is definitely not the rehearsal.
Why not go to the Lazer Bowl with the kid next door? 'I've got to take Jeremy's advice more often.
'I'm on a date with a teenage goth, smoking pot in the Lazer Bowl toilets.
'This is it.
This is literally it.
'This is what people do when they're having a good time.
' Um er I don't know.
It's good stuff, Mark.
I strongly advise you to toke it.
Erm, do you want me to give you blowback? What, here? 'Oh, my God, it's the last days of Rome! ' Sure, open your mouth and breathe in when I click my fingers.
Wow! 'I've been initiated.
I am a drug user.
Fuck the police! ' This is it, mate.
We're having it.
Jez, the faces, the faces.
I feel strange.
Do you? Follow the fingers Don't poke my eyes! Don't poke my eyes! - Are you getting visuals? - What if I lose it? I'm not gonna do a poo, am I, Jez? Of course not.
Look, everything's going brilliantly.
We've got to work together as a team.
Work things up into a bit of a lather, yeah? Follow my lead.
'Jez is so great.
He's like an idiot savant but not so stupid.
'I bet he's totally sorting this whole night for us right now.
' 'I could say we've got huge cocks - might be the clincher.
' This is great, isn't it? This is so it.
I am having a just great time.
Great! So, girls, what's the weirdest place you've ever done it.
I had a steward eat me at Dubai airport.
God, that was depressing.
Yeah, right.
Valerie, how about you? I believe true love waits.
Uh-huh, yeah.
Me too.
Er, Jesus, I'm kidding.
Yeah, right, obviously, no.
Me too.
OK, so, what's everyone's favourite record? Jesus, what was all that about? I guess she just really likes Sledgehammer.
I mean, that's a shit song, right? Yeah.
'Forgive me, Peter.
' - I mean, it's so outdated.
- Exactly! And suddenly I'm up in front of the middle-aged court for crimes against being an old fucker.
What's her problem? I've never heard of Level 42 either.
'Guys, I'm so sorry.
' Hey, gutter boy, you are allowed to hit the pins! - You are? - In some bowling alleys it's encouraged.
I didn't want to disturb them.
That's kind of you, quite the gentleman.
Hey, spread 'em! Wah-hoo! 'Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
' - Hi, Mark - Hi, Sophie, er - This is Valerie.
- Hi.
- How's it going? - Good, thanks, and you two? Oh, yeah, yeah, fine.
Er I Valerie and I, er I mean, we just met at a party and we thought, you know, we'd come here for a few bowls.
And I'm high, obviously.
How about you? - I've been with Jeff.
- Jeff?! All right, Mark.
'This should be in the bag.
Why isn't this in the bag? 'She looks like she hates me.
' What? It's "eat as much as you can," you know.
No, it's "eat as much as you like".
There's no competitive element implied.
At 3.
99 I think I know who's winning.
How dare she criticise Peter Gabriel.
With her little "screw me" haircut, and all so nee-nee-nee-ee.
He single-handedly created WOMAD.
'Oh, God, please stop talking about Peter Gabriel.
' Uh-huh.
I can't believe it, I'm on a double-date with guys from the office.
It's like being on Friends.
Yeah, this is great.
So do you guys get pissed at the Christmas party and photocopy your arses? Yeah, Jeff did do that actually.
- That was before everyone else did.
- You were something of a trendsetter.
So, Valerie, you still at school or what? She's at college actually.
- Sixth-form college.
- That's the old college.
Right.
So what's your favourite subject? I'm sure Valerie doesn't want to talk about subjects.
Yeah, sure.
So who's best in S-Club? Oh, erm I'm not really into them but I hear they have a big gay following.
'For the worst thing that could possibly happen this is going extremely well.
' 'Maybe I can just really get into Peter Gabriel and go mental and marry her 'and have lots of sex and agree with her about everything? ' 'I'm bursting! This is why you should stick to the little cans.
'Ah, the simple pleasures.
Oh.
' - You havin' a good night? - Er, yeah, yeah.
Nice bowling.
You've narrowed it down to one lane anyway.
Well, you know, it's just a bit of fun.
'Oh, God, I'm never gonna be able to go now.
'Why can't I go? ' Yeah, just a bit of fun.
After a nice Italian and a couple of bottles of wine.
- 'Fuck.
Italian, wine.
' - Sophie liked it, anyway.
- 'Why didn't I ask her? ' - Loved it, actually.
'Oh Shit.
'Waterfalls nothing.
'Pretend you've finished.
' Ahh.
- Any change for the johnny machine? - What? You Actually, I think I'm all right.
I'm thinking a couple of packs of normal.
Knobblies are a bit of a con.
Maybe a couple of fruities for a laugh.
'She hates fruit.
Except pears.
If there's pear flavour I'm fucked.
' I can't stop hanging on for you because I never started.
Well, here's the headlines, buddy! I can do who I want, when I want, where I want and I will, OK?! This is not the rehearsal.
'Come on, clock's ticking, got to raise my game.
'Think witty.
Charming and witty.
'And sexy.
' - Sorry about that.
Listen - So, fourth pressing, fifth pressing What's that all about? Why wait until everyone else has had their fun That is so true.
Mm.
Listen, let's talk more back at my place, yeah? 'Oh, my God, I knew it.
Olive oil talk.
Wicked! ' So, this is nice.
Kind of weird but Nice, yeah.
Great.
So I was just wondering how you ended up coming out with Jeff? Oh, right.
Erm, well, I suppose, well, he asked me.
He asked you.
Of course.
- Is that all it takes? - It certainly helps.
I mean, I did actually ask you myself.
Yes, well, I was already and I didn't say anything because Well, you know.
So, er, Valerie seems nice.
- She's nothing.
- Oh, right.
'That didn't sound good.
' I mean, it's just a little night out.
I'm a friend of her brother's.
He's a total wanker, actually.
So, have you had a good time on your date? Yeah, you know what you're getting with Pizza Hut.
'Ha! I win! ' Cool.
So, old seat-sniffer didn't sniff any of the seats or anything, did he? That's a rumour that isn't appropriate for you to - Jeff's a nice guy.
- Who should've Look, I'm having a nice time.
Leave it, OK? - You're having a good time.
- Yeah.
Good, because I'm having a great time too.
That makes two of us having a great time.
'She's not gonna do it.
They won't do it.
' 'Wow.
Fuck you, lord of death, I'm still full of piss and vinegar.
'Mm, doing it with a sexy neighbour.
'Ow! That Why is she sucking it? Maybe she's practising for my 'Are you allowed to say when it hurts? ' Whoa, shit! I divided them into three piles - yours, mine and don't knows.
Yeah, whatever.
'Maybe this is good? 'Maybe this kind of turns me on? ' - Then I'll have the Bhundu Boys album.
- Bollocks you are! - You'd never even heard of them.
- That is such shit.
- Maybe I'II - You're not going anywhere.
Boom! You'll have to do something special to catch me up, mate.
'Don't let him know he's got to you.
Play it cool.
Play it suave.
' Oh, I think I can manage that.
Watch me bowl, Jeff.
I'm bowling, all right?! I'm bowling fruit! I'm on another level! I've gone beyond! Fancy a refill? Er OK.
'This is some sort of test.
Like The Great Escape.
'Don't answer in English, just brave it out.
' Jeremy's a musician.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, I, er, play the keyboard.
You always fancied one of those keyboards you hold like a guitar.
Used to like a lot of things.
'They're gonna use me for a sex game and then burn me in the bath.
' Isn't this great, that we can sit and have a drink together like adults? Yeah, we're great, aren't we? Why don't we have a toast? To us.
- To us.
- To us.
'Oh, come on, someone get the carving knife and let's get it over with.
' Do you think I like this job? Do you think I like spending all night trying to prise shopping out of our frankly antiquated system? I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
I thought they would just I've got your number, mate.
I've got you by the shoes.
He doesn't care about the shoes! - Fuck your shoes.
- Come on, he's said he's sorry.
What do you know about my shoes? We're gonna head off, but I can vouch for him so could you put it on my card? Look Don't go! Soph, you should stay and bowl.
Bowl the night away, with us.
Er, I don't know Once they get the stuff out we can have a tournament.
I don't think the plastic can take the strain.
Mark, they're going home to bone, yeah? Don't screw things up.
- But - You have a good night now.
Bye.
'Don't think about it.
If you don't think about it, it won't happen.
'Straight to Frenching.
This is so easy.
'I bet Sophie and Jeff are doing a lot of talking now.
'She can really talk, probably boring him about the Celestine Prophecy.
'Maybe Jeff's bought loads of booze so Sophie's too pissed to mind.
'Ow! She's squeezing my 'Don't complain! ' 'Is she going for? I'm not ready, there's no action down there.
' Jeremy, are you not? Look, are you sure this is OK? You know, isn't Tony gonna mind? Tony lost his licence to mind when he went off with a scrubber called Lindsay! 'She hasn't said anything about my nuts.
'She's too young to know how weird they are.
'I'm having sex with a teenage girl! 'Sophie wouldn't, not with the seat-sniffer.
'I mean, we've got a connection.
This is not wrong.
'Just try and memorise it for later.
'Mm, this could be nice, a nice, lovely neck rub.
'She's strangling me! She's trying to kill me! ' I I can't I can't Jesus, Valerie, w-what?! Just say if you didn't like it! - My ex used to love that.
- Well, yeah.
Thanks.
Thank you.
It was just the not breathing.
You know.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
You can be as loud as you like! Oh, God.
Oh, God, this is great! I'm having great sex! - Oh! Oh! - Yeah, yeah.
Couldn't we close the door? The idea of getting caught turns me on! But we've already been caught.
- The cappuccino machine? - You're never! Taking! The Gaggia! Thanks for letting me stay.
My sister's in my room and No problem, I'll be fine on the sofa.
Have you got everything you need? Do you want the hall light left on? - Mark - No, right, sure.
Of course.
'She does look kind of great in my pyjamas.
'That's sick.
Why is that sick? ' Valerie, I-I was thinking Oh, God, Jeremy, this is the best! Best ever! Yeah, so I was The sofa, it's a bit You are the daddy!