Personal Affairs (2009) s01e03 Episode Script

What's Divalia? It's some kind of exclusive members' club.
I've got a lead on Grace! Shit, shit, shit, it's from Adam Hartmann.
"Keep looking for Grace and you'll never see her again.
" What the fuck? I don't need no man I didn't mean to send you that text! Who did you mean to send it to?! Don't need their problems I don't need their lies Oh, sod off! Easy, tiger.
Come here.
I haven't got time! I've told you! What do you want? We could Midge! Midge! With me! For the first time in my life Naughty Midge.
I don't need no man.
So what d'you do all night? We talked.
About what? Him, obviously.
Is there anything you actually like about Fitz? What's that got to do with it? Look, there are two reasons for dating someone.
Sex or money.
Sex is great, although after a while, you start to lose interest.
Money though Gains interest? Very good! And nothing interests me more than a man who's happy to contribute to my financial independence fund.
Problem.
The police? They're not still gonna come? No, it's OK.
I told them Grace is back safe and sound, so case closed.
It's about Divalia.
It's men only.
So what was Grace doing there? Moonlighting? She's not the type.
God, I couldn't sleep last night.
Every time I shut my eyes, all I thought about was that photo.
I'm so terrified for her.
We ain't gonna let Adam Hartmann scare us off.
We just need to be discreet.
He's not gonna kill her.
He was just bluffing, wasn't he? I'll catch you later, yeah.
I mean, what about love? What? Well, you said sex and money What about love? That's what cocker spaniels are for.
I don't need no man! SAM SPARRO: # 21st-century life I got swept away! I got 21,000 things That I gotta do today! ♪ 21st-century life! ♪ What is it you want? You want me to do a lie detector test? I'll do it! You set it up, I'll take it! I want the truth I've told you the truth, baby.
I'll forgive you anything, Bob, except lies.
Swear to me on our baby's life that you haven't been cheating.
I swear, on my baby's life, I've never cheated on you and I never will.
All right? Come here Oh, don't be shy, girls.
Pull up a chair! TELEPHONES RING Ooh Thank you.
Wow! Are they real?! Course they are.
Fitz sent them.
Can I open it? Course.
Oh, it's a receipt! At last, a man who understands me.
CASH REGISTERS RING Andy Young! This time, could you file it under Y for Young and not F for Famous? Are you OK? Yes, of course, absolutely OK.
Why do you ask? Crawford! I feel a bit numb, I suppose.
The whole thing seems unreal still.
Get all of that, did you? Sorry.
We're just really, really Nosey? So what did he say? We couldn't hear that well.
I was just being stupid.
He said that?! I'm saying that! You weren't being stupid.
Getting all worked up over nothing? I should be counting my blessings.
Great job, brilliant mates and the best husband in the world.
I wouldn't go that far.
I meanwe're not that brilliant.
LIFT BELL RINGS Wait up! Wait up! Oh, hiya! Morning.
First day? Yeah.
Nervous? A little.
You're not supposed to touch women, are you? Unintentional.
Doesn't count.
What if you enjoy it? I'm feeling those flames.
Actually, um, hellfire's a Christian concept.
Yeah, I knew that.
So what's Jewish Hell like? Double RE? BOTH: With Mr Goldstein! I'm going that way, sorry! It's so weird seeing him at work.
Not touching before you get married? That's not normal! Ladies, hush! 20 seconds to the end of this auction and I've sniped so high, there is no way he's gonna win.
You're obsessed with your eBay Man! He's not my eBay Man.
He's the devil! If he outbids me again, I'll personally torture him via Instant Messenger.
What you buying this time? 1940's skirt.
Why's a bloke buying all these ladies' clothes? Is he a vintage transvestite? Not again.
Shit! Ah, it's so romantic.
I bet you two end up fallin' in love.
'How dare you!' FORTIES-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS 'Do I know you, 'nicole.
palmerstonamory @hartmannpayne.
co.
uk?' 'If you outbid me on Bing one more time, 'I'll hunt you down and steal your entire collection.
' 'So you're Material Girl?' 'What's it to you? Now back off my auctions and fuck off, will you?' 'Now, that's not a nice way 'to talk to a housebound pensioner 'whose only comfort in life is his music.
' 'I'm terribly sorry, I didn't realise' 'Just winding you up.
' 'Twat!' ON SPEAKERPHONE: Nicole? Nicole! Where are the Buchan files? Right with you I heard a rumour and if it's true, I may have to kill you.
Fitz? Why, oh, why?! I can think of 4.
3 billion reasons.
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH Uh-oh! Client back from bog alert! Now, where were we? Voluntary division of assets.
That's right.
Admirable you're keeping lawyers out.
Unusual in a divorce.
I need to talk to you before I get Lenny in here.
See, I told him our meeting starts at 10:15.
She's fine.
Our British investments total 38 million? Correct.
But if we choose to add the non-core foreign stock, the figure more than doubles.
You're asking me not to reveal the foreign stock to your husband? Lenny is getting 15.
8 million.
That is way more than he deserves.
And if I refuse to collude? I'd be very disappointed.
He will find out.
Maybe too late to do anything, but he will find out.
Course he will.
That's the bit I'm looking forward to the most.
That woman makes me so horny! Divalia's a private gentleman's club! How are we gonna get in?! Could always dress up as blokes Or get in as guests, maybe? I could always ask Simon.
He's bound to be a member.
What?! He told us to back off! D'you really think he'll want us sniffing around asking questions? Look, Grace is our friend! Simon's a pussy cat.
I'll just smile sweetly and he'll have to say No! Absolutely not! But you are a member? I didn't say that.
Well, are you or aren't you?! It's beside the point! Maybe Grace just wants some privacy.
And anyway Go on.
You haven't had your eye on the ball these last few days! What d'you mean? Grace picked up a lot of slack round here! And You know I'm very glad that you're my PA.
But it's time you stopped with this nonsense.
He's got a point.
Yup.
I've been taking the piss.
Mm-hm.
Probably won't get in anyway.
And even if we do, someone's got to mind the phones.
Gotta just knuckle down.
Stop mucking about.
What about that other little job you had to do? What? GEORDIE ACCENT: "Day 44 in the Hartmann Payne House and Michelle "still hasn't done her Big Brother audition tape due tomorrow" Shit! You can use Iain's office.
He's not coming in today.
Badenstein! Baden-stein! Prince Franz Joseph of Badenstein! But I thought Robbie had it couriered over on Monday! Well, I would ask him, but unfortunately, he's Unfortunately, he's, um, he's at afriend's wedding today.
OK.
Thanks.
Bye.
You'd think now she's marrying Richard, she'd have chilled out! Mm, Dr Shag.
How did such a cow pull such a sex god?! She's worse since she's got engaged.
Remember yesterday with Robbie? Sid, you were at uni with Jane! Was she always the Wicked Witch of the West? Noshe was fine.
We were the only two without boyfriends the whole three years.
I mean, I was at Oxford to read, to learn.
I just didn't realise everyone else was there to get laid.
So, Jane and I, we used to just sit and talk for hours.
No offence, but I didn't exactly have you two down as gossip queens.
No, I mean, we talked about Anne Sexton, John Donne, Gabriel Faure I so wish I'd known you two back then(!) If things are going badly, I wonder if that means Dr Shag's back on the market soon? What, is the charming Fitz not enough for you? COMPUTER BEEPS LOUDLY THROUGH SPEAKERS: # You're getting to be a habit with me # MUSIC CONTINUES Who the hell is that? Bing Crosby.
It's just a pop-up.
God, they're annoying.
Better get on with this dictation.
'Thanks for the song.
'Great words.
'Love is a habit.
' 'No 'Love's everything.
' 'You are joking?' 'Well, I would type a serious smiley, 'only I hate smileys.
' 'Love is '.
.
just a means for men to control women.
' 'I see.
' 'What?' 'You've never been in love.
' 'Have you?' 'Yes, I have.
' 'What happened?' 'She left me.
' 'I've made sure no-one ever leaves me again.
' 'So you HAVE been in love.
' 'It's none of your business.
' Divalia? Doesn't ring a bell Are you sure? Apparently, it's quite well known.
I I mean, I I may have heard of it.
But I'm certainly not a member.
And even if I was, which I'm not, I wouldn't want my girls near it.
KNOCK ON DOOR Oh, hi.
Yeah, come in, come in Sorry.
Yeah.
Just a quick one, um What? Sorry? You looked like you want something.
Oh, no.
No, no.
Sorry.
Shit! Ladies, this is Lenny.
Good to meet you.
This is Nicole.
Please sit down.
Right, Now, you started your business together I was 21, backpacking round the world when we met on her father's farm.
I had a Lenny Kravitz thing going on.
Long hair, the guitar, singing.
You were dreadful.
I really was.
Julie finally agreed to come travelling with me if I promised to sell the guitar and never sing again.
And that's when we met Er, what was his name? I can't remember.
Course you can! That tiny guy with the giant moustache.
Fortunato! His chocolate was the best thing we'd ever tasted and that became our first product.
We put all the profits into building HIV clinics in Tanzania.
Every last penny.
Now it's one of our top ten charities.
Though we did keep a little back, remember? For our wedding rings.
COMPUTER BEEPS 'Hello.
' 'Thought I'd offended you.
' 'Sell me your Folks Who Live On The Hill and I'll stop stalking you.
' 'Does it have to be Folks?' 'My dad used to play it all the time.
'In fact, you'll like this.
'Dad said that song was what my mother made him feel.
' 'That's sweet.
' 'Not really.
' 'The night before my 12th birthday, he did a runner.
'Two months later, we were homeless and in colossal debt.
'We've not seen him since.
' 'You think you've got it bad? 'At least your dad didn't play Mr Muscle in those TV ads.
' SHE LAUGHS Just Rachel mucking about on the tape again.
You got it, then? Thank you, Fitz.
It's very tasteful.
Sorry, I'm a little busy right now.
I'm not here for you.
I've got a folio review all day with the most boring man in the world - Rock Van Gelder.
How'd it go with Rock? Wellhe started by saying he'd never heard of Divalia, but then he was doing that thing with his cuff links.
Does that when he's lying.
Divalia? Don't suppose you know it? Know it? My father practically lived there! < MIDGE: So you're a member? Been there once.
But you can sign us in? Not really that type of club.
What type is it? More the "Every gentleman's fantasy catered for" type.
A posh knocking shop? I wouldn't expect you to understand.
So you won't sign us in? Maybe he can't.
You'd stick out like virgins.
Surely you've enough money to get us in there? Well, of course I fucking have.
It's a lunch date, then! MAN SINGS: # It's down at the end of Lonely Street! Heartbreak Hotel! Lucy's looking well.
Yeah? Many weeks? Six or seven.
Bet she's suffering.
You know, morning sickness.
I didn'twhen I was pregnant.
No, well.
Some people are lucky.
Anyway Ron's happy to lend it, but he wants it back tonight.
Great.
So, go on, then.
I'm not doing it with you there! If you get through, half the bloody country's gonna be watching you! Dad Elvis is leaving the building.
MUSIC: "9 To 5" by Dolly Parton I tumble out of bed and I stumble to the kitchen Pour myself a cup of ambition And yawn and stretch and try to come to life! Jump in the shower and the blood starts pumpin' Out on the street the traffic starts jumpin' The folks like me on the job from nine to five! DOLLY PARTON: # Workin' nine to five! What a way to make a livin' Barely gettin' by It's all takin' and no givin' They just use your mind and they never give you credit It's enough to drive you crazy if you let it! Nine to five You buzzed For Midge, yes.
She, uh, had stuff to do.
Right.
Can I help? No.
OK, do, um Do we need to talk? What about? Well, that weird thing you keep doing.
Yeah, that.
That weird smile thing.
Sorry, I I didn't realise.
It's making me uncomfortable.
I I didn't mean anything by it.
No, youyou did, yes.
You see, that'sit's called non-verbal communication.
And what it's saying is, "Hey, Simon, you know that shag we had yesterday? "Wasn't just a shag.
It was a cosmic communion of souls type shag.
"And just so's you know, I'm gonna give you this freaky little smile "every time I see you.
" All that from a smile.
You are clever.
Look, we had sex.
It was nice.
We might even have sex again one day.
In the meantime, you're a decent-looking girl, lots of guys'd be happy to sort you out, so, you know, drop the weird looks.
Go find one.
OK? OK.
What's up? Nothing.
Just It's justI'm an idiot! Do you rememberyour first time? Sex.
OhGod, yeah.
Still got the tape.
I mean, it was special, right? I mean, isn't that how it's supposed to be? And it wasn't? Yeah, well, I guess not.
Who's the guy? You CAN trust me.
Simon.
Simon!? Shhh! Congratulations.
What for? Most girls lose their cherry to some zit-faced teenager who couldn't find their clitoris with a flashlight and a compass.
You lost yours to Simon Turner, arguably one of the finest shags in the City of London.
You should be proud.
What? Diddid you and him? Shit, yeah! Wow.
I would never have thought.
Why? Cos I don't follow him round like a puppy? Listen.
There are three things a girl needs in life.
Two litres of water a day, a black credit card and healthy, regular, meaningless sex.
I drink a lot of water.
There you go.
Almost halfway there.
I wish I was like you.
You keep it simple.
'Lucius, I know I'm a blundering fool.
'If it wasn't for you, I would be face down, penniless in some ditch.
'What will it take for you to forgive me? 'My jealously of your unborn' A long lunch.
I've got some stuff to sort.
'Can't you do it after work?' What, like your long lunch with Joyce from Human Resources? 'All right.
2.
30 at the very latest.
' Thanks, Iain.
'I'vealways shown you the utmost consideration.
'All I ask in return is a little respect.
' Absolutely.
DOOR OPENS What if someone comes in? Seriously.
They could walk in and catch us.
Then why don't you just fuck off? I dunno.
I dunno.
Maybe because I like it.
The danger.
Come on.
We both know you want to.
She deserves so much better than this.
Yeahand I'll give it to her.
The roses the happy-ever-afters the love hearts.
But this you and methis is better than just happy-ever-after.
'Do you ever do any work, Miss Hartmann Payne? 'Just back off, will you?! 'Sorry.
'What's up? 'You don't want to know.
Yes, I do.
'Why? 'Maybe I like you.
'Guys like you always like me.
'And why's that? Cos you don't know me.
'Oh, cut the crap.
'I did something I shouldn't have done.
What kind of thing? 'Took something that didn't belong to me.
Sogive it back.
'Yeah, well, not as simple as that.
'Married, is he?' Nic 'Just leave me alone, will you?' Nicole! Sorry, just getting that finished.
Get your beast on, we're going to Divalia.
See you later, Midge.
See ya.
Bye, Midge.
Be careful.
MAN TALKS, WOMAN GIGGLES LOW BABBLE OF CONVERSATION ELEGANT PIANO PIECE PLAYS Grace? Here? No way.
Whoever owns this place is a genius.
Ten minutes max, OK? MOBILE RINGS 'Scuse me a minute, would you? Can we, er Absolutely not.
Cool.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So my birthday's Christmas Day, which is brilliant, cos I'm Jewish, but I still get tons of presents.
And I'm Capricorn, obviously, which means I'm a wise person.
PHONE RINGS Shit, that's my phone.
You can watch me working! Good afternoon, Hartmann Payne, how may I help you? Jonathan Pullman here.
I need you to put me through to Iain Ebelthite.
I'm afraid he's out for lunch at the moment.
May I take a message? Yes, you can.
I've just had an insider tell me that the BAJ is going through a hell of a spiral.
You've got to get this to him by close of play, OK? It's likely there'll be a lot of volatility in the futures market Could I? We need to get right out of Would you mind? .
.
and I want all positions taken as the big three.
Anything unnecessarily pegged at the door has got to go.
Tell him we've got to review our derivatives You're breaking up.
I'm reaorry Youbreakup Haven't seen you before.
I'm Honey.
Lucius.
Lucius? Cool.
So.
.
.
.
what are you? I'm aSid? HE CHUCKLES And I'm an Eddie.
No, I'm thinking .
.
sexy librarian? SHE SNORTS Very good.
You know, I've always had rather a thing about shy librarians.
Repressed passion, the smell of .
.
old books II'm actually, er, looking for someone.
You don't work here? Absolutely.
I I absolutely work here.
So, how did YOU hear about Divalia? An old friend told me.
Grace Darling? Grace! Now, that's one classy lady.
Yeah, she sure is.
How long have you known her? She was just off the plane from Lithuania.
Course, she wasn't called Grace then.
And she didn't speak like Mary Poppins either.
That's Grace.
Full of surprises.
Midge? What'cha doing? ErBig Brother audition tape.
You're not serious? Course I am.
Right.
What? Why would you want to be on Big Brother? Well, why wouldn't I? Well, how would your boyfriend feel about it? You kidding me? I'm the original Midget Jones.
So, ermtell me more about this no-touching thing.
Will you have an arranged marriage? Course not.
It's the wrong religion.
I mean, II go on dates.
My family and friends are always setting me up.
I'm really bad at saying no.
God, I can't say no either! So, ermwhat do you do on these dates? Pray? To the god of lurve! HE LAUGHS No, we talk.
And we just get to know each other.
Fall in love without sex complicating everything.
Anyway, good luck with your tape.
Yeah, thanks.
Bye.
Bye.
So .
.
that was Avi.
We went out for three years.
And that's teenage years, you know what I mean? Counts for double.
We used to tell each other everything.
I told you not to go off.
Where the hell is chav girl? Gone to the loo.
Quick word? Eddie St John Coutts.
Good friend of your father's.
So glad you've taken up membership.
Charles was a stalwart.
Yes.
Did he mention how we feel about guests? 'I mean, she always seemed so sensible.
' She was the last one I'd imagine getting mixed up with drugs.
What? She hardly even drinks.
Just saying what I heard.
And what else did you hear? The stuff she was takingI heard she was getting it from Jeeves.
There are two people in this world I won't hear bad-mouthed.
You just bad-mouthed both of them.
Listen, you must know where the fuck she is, all right? Just get her.
We need to get the hell out of here.
Yes, we do.
Oh, thank God.
Have I got news for you? Yeah, right.
Come on, go.
Jeeves! Nicole! I could never tell him.
How could I? I mean, sure, I had a kid.
The timing wasn't great.
You know, I just I gave her away.
Midge? What's wrong, sweetheart? What happened? If I could just see her Just once.
She flies in from Lithuania, learns to speak posh and disappears without a trace.
It stands to reason.
She's not an illegal immigrant.
How do you know? Cos she's English as a wet weekend.
So Honey's just making it up? I'd imagine Honey makes a lot of things up.
Hey, that's Grace's! I was looking for the key to my filing cabinet.
Well, Robbie must have a spare.
So, it's acceptable for a key to highly confidential information to just be floating round the building? No, I didn't say that.
Then again, what can I expect from a girl who believes we pay her to video herself prancing around? It's my lunch break.
Oh.
Was it your lunch break at 10.
38 and 11.
20? Does Simon know what you're up to? Hmm? How's it going in there? Er Can I get you anything? Tea? Vodka? The worst thing about having your heart broken is you start to see the most profound meaning in the most banal things.
You know the Richard Bach quote, "If you love someone, set them free"? "If they come back they're yours and if they don't they never were.
" I was thinking about it in the car on the way here.
Suddenly I was crying like a baby on the Finchley Road.
I did set her free.
Always.
Butwasn't enough.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Still, on the brighter side, at least I'm over the "crying at Westlife lyrics" phase.
Nicole? Can we could keep the Westlife thing between ourselves? You have my word.
Good.
Thanks.
Courier just dropped this off.
SHE GASPS "Nicole, I'm sorry.
"Your private life is none of my business.
"One day, "I hope you find someone to live on the hill with.
"Sean.
"Kiss.
" Have you got something in your eye? No.
Oh, my God.
It's a tear.
Don't be ridiculous.
Oh, babe, has someone died? Bing Crosby again? Why d'you wanna live on a hill? Who the hell is Sean?! eBay Man! Oh, my God, eBay Man sent you this and you cried! I did not.
You've been buying Bing Crosby albums all along? You never said! We wouldn't have taken the piss.
Much! What do you know about him? Who is Bing Crosby? Is it like Cliff Richard? You've never heard of You can get a CD player for 20 quid SHE MAKES KISSING NOISES Fitz! Where you going? Get back here.
You can't run from me forever, you know.
Fitz! You've no right to be here.
I had no choice.
You haven't returned any of my calls.
Sorry about this, just one of my deranged stalkers.
Call security, would you? Ambermeet your father.
It isn't mine.
Fitz! You just have to look at it! Look at her.
Look! BABY WAILS Looks nothing like me.
Here.
I've given you money.
What more do you want, woman? I want my child to know her father.
Just fuck off, will you? Is that you done now? Yeah, they're all in the bistro, finishing off.
Julie always was the business brains, I'm just the ideas person.
Don't know how this is all going to work out.
Anything wrong? No.
Yes, it is.
My trouble antennae are picking up bad vibes.
Really? How come they've not managed to pick up the fact your wife's about to shaft you? Sorry.
I should never have said that.
You know what? I'm really not interested.
I don't do game playing.
And I have all the money I could ever want.
Please, don't tell anyone.
You have my word.
Thank you.
COMPUTER BLEEPS What are you doing? It's him! That is my personal Oh, just get on with it and tell us what he says! "Help! Am struggling with the meaning of some lyrics "and must discuss urgently with a fellow Bing connoisseur.
" You discuss song lyrics? You make HER look cool, you total geek.
How dare you! "I'm gonna be at "Curry Shack, 58 Islington Road, 7:30 this evening.
Fancy it?" Oh, this is so romantic, I think I'm gonna die! No, it isn't! You're gonna go, though? "Love to!" I can't believe you just did that.
I can't believe you've got yourself a hot date.
But I haven't! I don't Why would you do that? Sorry.
I just want you to be happy.
You can always cancel.
Oh, come on, just open, you ridiculous contraption.
HE SIGHS Would you, please? Thank you.
I just, er Erno, no The darned thing's kaput.
What can I do you for? The final list of confirmed guests for the party tomorrow night.
Oh, right.
So, you looking forward to it? Am I actually required to attend? Why sure, sure, it'll be a treat for you.
Oh, gosh, er It's just that, er I hate parties.
So do I, Doris.
The small talk The jokes The music The people Grace will be sorry to miss it.
She loves parties, she's so accomplished at them.
Knows just what to say, how to say it, who to say it to.
I just normally, er stay in the toilets long enough till it's polite to leave.
Oh, no, no, no.
I've got a much better place.
Oh, really? Yeah.
If Grace were to find out, she'd have words.
But if it gets too much, I just duck down under the buffet table with a plate of cheese and crackers.
Yeah, it's dandy.
I must try that.
Mm-hm.
Oh, um, I nearly forgot.
I found this, on orbital mechanics.
Thought you might be interested? Well, that's real kind of you, Doris.
Sid.
SIREN WAILS BELL TOLLS You're probably not interested, but I just found eBay Man's profile.
He's very handsome.
Mm, has a certain Je m'appelle.
You're scared, aren't you? Scared you're gonna like him.
"Favourite music - Anything you can't believe someone listens to.
" See, that's funny and true! "Religious beliefs - Worms eat you.
" Oh, he's got his own flat.
So, what does he do? What? It's a good job.
Public sector.
Social stuff.
Midge He's a care assistant in an old folks' home.
Well, that's great.
Wiping arses for a minimum wage? Why is it always about money? I can't go back to having nothing.
When have I ever had money? Or me.
Or me.
And you know what? It ain't so bad.
But if you want to carry on whoring yourself round Mayfair till you've enough to build your own ice palace, then be my guest.
I'm not going to stand Do you know what? Fine.
Beautiful miracle, pardon my lyrical rhapsody But can't you see Nicole? Nicole! Sorry about that nutter before.
Your private life is none of my business.
About tonight, Monique's booked us a table at this restaurant in Paris and I thought I forgot.
I already have plans.
Nicole, stop playing games.
I'm not interested in all this hard-to-get bullshit.
I'll be waiting for you at St Mary's Heliport at 6.
30.
If you're not there, it's game over.
KNOCKING AT DOOR Come.
Um No, no, no, just please I've come to apologise.
I've thought about what you said and you're absolutely right.
It wasn't a cosmic communion of souls type shag.
It was just a shag.
Um In mitigation, it was my first time, so I can be forgiven for confusing certain issues.
But I shouldn't have burdened you with it and I apologise.
That's fine.
I'd also like to thank you.
You were a very effective sexual partner.
I'm led to believe that's quite unusual the first time, so Thank you.
Right.
Good.
Oh, and uh We won't be having sex again.
Right.
Girls, I finished it, the whatsit.
About time to.
I'm just going to cover the phones.
'Hiya, girls.
'There's something I've been wanting to tell you, but I couldn't.
'And then I thought maybe I could if I did it like this.
'Thing is '.
.
I've got a kid.
'I had her when I was 14.
'A baby girl.
'Wasn't planned, obviously, and I couldn't keep her.
'Mum said I couldn't.
'So I gave her away.
'I've thought about her a lot since then.
Every single day.
'Just found out her name's Talya.
'Means Dew from God.
I looked it up.
'Anyway, I've told you now.
'No, I haven't, there's more.
'God 'You know about Adam Hartmann shagging me at that party? 'Talya 'Adam's her father.
'Please don't hate me for not saying anything sooner.
'I guess I, um, 'I guess I was ashamed.
' 'Forgot to ask' 'Yes' 'What you look like.
' 'Or should we just wear red carnations and comedy hats?' 'I'll buy me a red carnation at the station.
' 'OK.
' 'See you later.
' 'Wait' 'Still here.
' 'You like dogs?' 'What kind?' 'Cocker spaniels?' 'Love 'em!' 'Why do you ask?' 'No reason.
' Hi, gorgeous.
Thanks for the tip-off.
What do you mean? I suspected that Julie was up to something, and now I know for sure.
But you said you didn't care Of course I did.
I didn't want you running off and confessing your sin before I'd had the chance to fuck her up with a letter from my solicitor.
But you promised Don't worry, I didn't drop you in it.
It was nothing personal.
You were the only hope I had of getting the information I needed.
I mean, we all know PAs are their boss's secret keepers Lenny's just come on to me.
Why do you think she's divorcing him? He said she just got bored.
Oh, she got bored all right.
Bored of catching him with his dick up the secretary's What? Two secretaries, actually.
Plus the head of accounts, the office junior and the girl who came by to water the plants.
Valeo, slagus.
See you tomorrow.
May I? Your wife's here.
Not for long.
She's off round her mum's.
So, I really don't know who I find more disgusting, me or you.
Sorry, love, I didn't know you were staying.
I'll get you a pint.
No, there's a couple of things I've got to finish off anyway, so I'll see you at home.
Catch you later.
Is it me, or does that man have the best arse in the whole of London? It's certainly up there.
Oh, shit, he's left his jacket.
What is it? Bax? What's he doing buying condoms? He lied to me.
Bastard! Bastard! This is ridiculous.
I'm so not in the mood for this, Dad.
How's about you give me a clue? Blue door, sitting room window.
I know her.
That's Esther Green.
You're not You and her aren't What? Don't be daft.
Then why are we here? Why am I looking at her? You're not.
You're looking at her.
That's her.
That's your daughter.
You wanna learn But you don't know how You wanna feel but you're not around You wanna cry but you don't know why You wanna give but you're not that kind When you gonna let somebody in? You might get hurt just a little bit When you gonna let somebody in? Who was Grace having an affair with? If only you knew! Aargh! I think I may be in love.
And it's utterly hopeless.
They are totally kissing! Argh! Hello, Daddy.
It could be any of the men in this building.
Whoever the hat fits, that's our man.
I could never ride rodeo in a gangster hat! He knows who we are and where we work.
That was Andy Young you were singing in front of, wasn't it? And he's watching us.