PhoneShop (2009) s01e03 Episode Script

How does this phone sound? I dunno, I really don't know, can you can you tell me that again? There's just so much choice! There is, isn't there? From the start? OK, right, well This is the 6610.
It's actually the phone I've got.
All the features, plus the voice recorder.
I bet you know your way around a cock.
Sorry? What? I didn't say anything.
I bet you know your way around a cock.
You like the sound of the word "cock", don't you? Why don't you try putting your hand in my filthy pocket.
I'd rather not Just tap the back of my Urgh Oh, my God.
Do it! What? Do it, bruv.
What are you doing? Just tap the end.
I don't want to tap the end of it.
Customer's always right, fam.
Not when he's asking me to I can tell by your eyes you wanted to do it, fam.
I don't want to do it.
What's he urgh Ah, you pair of bastards! Very good.
Very dry.
I thought it was odd because you kept asking all the same questions on each phone.
News.
This man is a close personal friend of the shop, you understand? Whoa! Referee! Hand ball, ref! His penis! This man, Newbs, is a high street hero.
This bred has worked in almost every retail unit in this High Street.
I've been fucking sacked from them! I'll be straight with you, Chris, yeah, I just do fucking mad shit all day long.
Here, Christopher.
Yeah? He give you an orange, man.
No, that's not fair.
Is there a nonce parade no-one's told me about? If I'd have known I'd have bought a bag of fucking Werther's.
I'm not a paed No.
What's that thing you call Werther's? What? Nonce nuggets? Listen, fellas, I'm taking over the Ivory Lounge for the evening, yeah? I'm doing a fucking wet T-shirt and chicken night.
It's gonna be messy, but sexy.
Who can say no to chicken and tits for three quid? Don't forget, that's all backed up by the Jez Griffith gilt-edged guarantee.
A fire, a fight or an engagement before ten pm Or your money back! And, for one night only, every lady goes home with a complimentary dildo.
Do you want one for your mam? Urgh What you Janine, we've had a few laughs over the years haven't we? Too many.
Christmas party last year.
Christmas year before that.
Easter '07.
Shut up! Best morning of my life.
Woke up in a bin.
Am I boring? Do I bore you? Am I a boring man? What's brought this on? Shelley? Yeah.
Said I was a bloated bin bag of broken dreams.
Floating on a sea of shit.
Bullshit.
Absolute dirty bullshit.
I still use three of your anecdotes on a regular basis to great comic effect.
Really? Yeah.
Which ones? Cocky Toddler.
Cocky Toddler! Christ, I went for him, didn't I? Shouldn't have done could have got in a lot of trouble.
The one with the soup.
Oh, yeah wrong fucking soup! "It was meant to be cold!" Yeah.
Best of all, brandy flashback.
Little bottle Peep peep urgh.
That was Ashley's.
Oh.
Hands up who's wearing odd socks? As usual.
My trademark.
Green.
Shit.
Seriously, Chris, if you are going to come tonight, don't be dressing like a fucking sweetieman, yeah? Sweetieman? Here, little 'un, want some sweeties? Disgusting.
Oh, come on, no, please! Fucking hell, here she is, the Queen of Pay As You Blow.
Janine, please let me tap that ass just the once, just the once before you go off and have your coffee-coloured kids with him.
You wouldn't know what to do with what I've got.
I could have a really good fucking go.
I'd break you in half.
I'd provide the glue for you to stick me back together.
Your glue wouldn't be strong enough.
My glue is guaranteed.
I'm like fucking Araldite.
No you've out-bantered me.
Ahhhhhh! There you go.
I'm leaving the store now, and you will miss me.
Tonight.
All of you.
Be there.
8:30, The Ivory Lounge.
Chicken and tits for three quid.
Janine, bring your thinnest T-shirt.
No I hate the archaic objectification of women.
But I do love chicken.
Christopher, you're more than welcome to come but it might not be your cup of tea.
It's strictly over-18's, so leave the fucking Milky Bars at home, yeah? Oh, for goodn Yeah? Yeah.
See you there fellas.
Oi'll be seeing you there to be sure.
Oi, so will oi top o da mornin' to ya.
Don't fucking do that.
Seriously, don't ever fucking do that.
He's not Irish! Shut the fuck up.
I'm not fucking Irish.
I'm Welsh.
Fucking Welsh and proud.
Don't you fucking forget that, all right? Sorry, man it just came from a loving place.
I meant nothing by it.
Safe.
Respect and that - I was trying to I was trying to do Welsh.
Tribute.
Safe.
Aarrrgh! No-one's safe, yeah, boys? No-one's safe.
Yo, sweetieman! Yeah, what? Oh, fuck off! Fuck off Ah, boy! Jez.
Was that Jez? Yeah, boy that man is funny man.
We was curling.
Yeah I thought I could hear him.
Was he asking after me? Nah, he just came in to have a laugh.
Texted him a couple of jokes yesterday.
Haven't heard anything back yet.
Am I boring? Am I a boring man? Ashley said it first.
I just agreed with it.
What? We were just discussing who the most boring person in the shop was.
And it was me?! It's not like you're the most boring on the High Street.
You came third.
Who come fourth? Raoul.
Raoul doesn't speak English! I'm fun, though.
You think I'm fun, don't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah You're fun.
You do fun things.
Look at this.
Not boring.
Not boring.
Very proud, I bet.
Yeah.
Freeze, motherfuckers! Not you, darlin', sorry.
You take your time, yeah Uh we'd just finished, so What, is she Pay As You Go? Fuck off, Nan.
Go on, do one! Well, really! Yes, really! Nice.
Polka dots.
Boys.
Boys! Give me some loving.
Yes, yes That's what I'm saying.
No hats, no trainers.
Come here.
Yes who the man, hey? You, bruv.
Yes, yes, that's right.
Razz-berry's up in the face.
When are you guys going to come spar with me? Every Monday night.
My garage.
Me and a couple of the lads from Bromley store.
We get together, mix it up.
Mixed martial arts - put your hands up.
Go for me.
Blocking.
You're dead.
Go for me.
Blocking.
Kill.
You know what I'm saying, yeah? Both of you at the same time, yeah.
Blocking and you're dead! Nose bone up in your brain and shit.
Yeah, man.
See, you're rusty.
Yeah.
But it's OK.
It's OK to be afraid.
I want you to use that fear.
Use it as a sales energy, yeah? Thank you for the advice there.
Actually fuck that.
Use that fear, yeah, as a cleaning energy.
Come on, Razz.
Yes, yes, get on the exfoliation tip.
Get on it now.
Thank you, Razz.
No, no, no, now! Right now.
Go on.
ASAP, ASAP.
ASAP, ASAP, ASAP! Christopher! Yes? Yes? Yes, yes, yes.
Razz Prince.
Area Manager.
Pleased to make your acquaintance.
And you.
How are you? You all right? Very well, thank you.
You passed your one day trial, yeah? Yes.
Pleasure to have you.
Thank you so much.
Let me give you a little piece of advice, yeah? A little tip.
Don't copy this idiot.
He was mates with the guy who started the company back in the late eighties? He could have been a millionaire.
He could have been the chairman of Crystal Palace.
But he decided, mobile phones would never take off.
They were huge.
It took two hands to hold one.
So what did you get into then? Tell Christopher.
Phonecards.
What? Phonecards.
Wank! Think of this place like a family.
Lance is the dad, Janine is the daughter, Ash and Jerwayne are the older brothers I am your dad, yeah? Thought you said Lance was my dad.
I'm your real dad.
Lance thinks he's your Dad but he ain't.
I'm your uncle who's really your Dad.
Yeah? Now Lance is going to bring you up as his own because he don't know the truth.
I'm your uncle who comes round when your dad ain't there.
Puts a shelf up.
Makes your mum feel all right You know what I'm saying? Yeah.
Sweet.
You know who you remind me of? No? A young me.
Wow.
A young you? No.
Yung Me.
Chinese lad.
Manages Bromley South.
Drives a Subaru Impreza, took home 65k last year and a part share in a golf course in Dubai.
Now tell me you like the sound of that? I I like the sound of that.
Sweet.
That's what I'm talking about.
Nine points.
Bang! That bred had better not step to me again today, bruv, trust me I'll go rago.
I can't tell you how fucking angry I am.
I hate him and that's not like me.
No, actually, that is like me.
Not Razz.
I don't give a fuck about Razz.
You lot are treacherous bastards.
Boring? Right.
Can you move your fucking folder, please? What do you think he's doing up there? The fucking chief.
He'll be up there doing gold.
You've got the power to know you're in destructible Always believe in, you are gold! Dun, dun, dun da dun Dun, dun, dun da dun Dun, dun, dun da dun Dun, dun, dun da dun Dun, dun, dun da dun Dun, dun, dun da dun Dun, dun, dun da dun Reach for that gold! Don't touch that gold! No, I see.
Just reach for gold! Can you smell gold? Do you love that gold? Yeah, I love the gold.
Now taste the gold.
You're going to eat that gold.
Yes, eat the gold.
Do you want the fucking gold? Yes! Well, take that gold.
I'm taking the gold.
Yes! Well, take that gold.
I'm taking the gold.
It's not your fucking gold.
It's not your gold.
Just leave it, it's not your gold.
OK.
You I know you got debts, Christopher.
I know what it's like at university.
It's all happy days when you're sat in a bathtub full of baked beans for the Pudsey kids, but them beans gotta be paid for.
That's why I'm going to help you out.
I've raised your basic to 14k and I've upped your commission.
Thank you.
You got potential, Christopher.
I see you managing this store in six months.
Really? What about Lance? We want Lance out, but we can't make him redundant because that costs too much money, so we need a reason to sack him.
Everything you see goes in this book.
You do this right, Christopher, and one day One day You'll be me.
Welcome to Club Cheddar.
Mmm-m-m Mmmmm-m-m Mm-m-m.
So with its slimline design, Lee, this really is ideal for a man in your line of business.
It's the most pluggable handset available on the market today.
It's boring, is it? This is boring, is it? No it's gr Oh, classic Lance! Fuck off! Brilliant! Fucking boring, is it? What are you fucking looking at? Boring, is it? Up yours, Shelley! Up yours.
Up yours, Shelley.
Clean that up.
Yeah, can't get the top off.
Said I can't get the top off.
Oi! What? That boring, is it? No.
Is that.
.
? Yeah.
You want some? No.
No, go on, have some.
I don't want any.
I don't No, not in my tea! Now I can't drink that.
What you listening to? Err Black Eyed Peas.
Oh, yeah, the reggae.
It's not reggae.
Big fan of it myself.
Course, that goes hand in hand with this stuff.
Is that? What, ganj? Ganj, yeah.
Where did you get that? Found it in Gary's locker stuck to a pair of knickers.
Nice.
Oh, yeahhhh.
Oh, God! What So, Chris you got any skins? No.
What? You don't smoke the ganj? Well, no.
Boring.
I'm going to go make me a spliff.
Get mashed.
Get fucked.
Yeah, I got it.
Now, you see, it's like a wet T-shirt contest, yeah, but to be truthful with you, it's more like sort of burlesque type thing.
It's, like, your opportunity to advance positive perceptions of positive female empowerment in, like, a bi-gender context, you get me? Plus, there's chicken.
And a free dildo.
Woo! Lance, what you doing, bruv? Is that weed? Ganj.
What, too loud, the ragga? Eh? All right? What's that over there? Have a look.
Ooh.
Selecta! Don't do that, please, I beg you.
Reggae sauce! Levi Roots.
And chicken.
Do you want to go out? I'm all right, thanks.
Yeah? Go up town? Stay local? Stay local.
Saves the cab fare.
Dub! Oooh, dub.
Ah, Lance, please, stop it.
Boring? No more ganj.
Oh, I've had it with ganj.
I'm outta control, Janine.
No, you're just trying too hard.
Go to Jez's tonight, have a cocktail, have another.
Dry hump some bloody furniture, snort something illegal off something unsanitary.
You could shit yourself on a podium, Lance.
I must admit, it does sound appealing.
Think of all those anecdotes.
I suppose I could pop in for a pint, long as I can keep it down.
I'll be right there beside you, taking it all down.
Eh? I'll have a fully spellchecked spiral bound dossier of your adventures on your desk by 9.
00 am in the morning.
Boring? Not boring.
You were right, this is the life, Janine.
Yeah! Yeah, as for our other problem, I've got that firmly under control.
I've got my new operative sat in front of me right now.
If it all goes according to plan, by tomorrow our Lance-shaped problem is set to disappear.
Yes, yes, that's a plan.
My apologies.
At this level, business never stops.
What kind of phone you rocking there, Christopher? Oh, it's just a standard 6610.
Nice.
I had one of those.
Really? When I was eight! We can't have the Sutton Branch Manager Elect rocking a phone like that now, can we? Champagne? Whoa, Cava? That's right.
It's French for Champagne.
So, how was your day today? Ah, yeah, good.
Very, very good.
Very good.
I'm pleased for you.
And I take it you've got something for me? Yeah, yeah.
Did you enjoy that, your worship? What a turnout! Anyone who's anyone in Sutton's here, even Sutton's most boring man, the manager of PhoneShop, Lance Crisp is here.
Give him a big hand.
You all know him, then.
I'm not saying he's boring, ladies and gentlemen, but paint watches him dry.
Humans are made up of 90% water, right? This fella's made up of 90% powdered egg.
He's so fucking boring, right, he's got his name down to be Britain's first ever Adrian Chiles Tribute Act.
Right, I've fucking had it with this! Lance, Lance, stop! Go on, then.
Right, let's have it.
I can't begin to stress how important information is in here.
We do this right and Lance is gone tomorrow, or earlier.
What's that supposed to mean? Oh, God.
Oh, that's Oh, shi I guess it means fuck you! Did you mean to do that? What do you think? Reading between the lines I think you did.
Yep, I did.
Well, I hope you enjoyed your time working for the PhoneShop Group, Christo-fuck! And, please, don't even think about trying to apply for another job in the retail sector because I, Razz Prince, personally guarantee that you will never find work on the High Street ever again.
Now fuck off.
No, actually, Razz, I'm not going to do that, so What you looking at? Don't make me open up on you in here.
I'm going to take you to Chinatown, going to drop a dim sum in your arse! Yeah, well, maybe you should listen to this? 'I bet you know your way around a cock.
' No, that's That was from That was Jez, did it in the shop.
Pervert.
No, it's, uh Oh, bugger, it's gone to the beginning now.
Wait.
Ah! This one.
There! Here! This one.
'We want Lance out, but we can't make him redundant 'cos it costs too much money, so we need a reason to sack him.
' That's right, Razz.
Every conversation we've had today is in this little box.
I tell you what, why don't we keep this on the down low, yeah? Ouch! How many times do I have to tell you, stop slamming up my door! I'm not slamming, bruv.
Shut it! Why you complaining? Every time! Yo! Yo, J.
Bless.
Go on.
No, no, no, no, no.
No.
You are not coming in looking like that.
Man looks like a sweetie man, innit? This is not no youth club, fam.
You're going to have to go.
Go on.
Fuck off.
OK.
Aaaah! Newman! Numes! It's all good, man.
In you go, innit.
Nice one, lads.
Ey! He came second.
Ey! Da, da, da, da.
Bruv, we gotta cut that shit out.
Dance is done, fam.
Dance is done.
I'm taking you home tonight, baby, let me see that arse.
Yes, indeed! Show yourself! SHOW YOURSELF! You fucking with my wheels? You fucking with my life! You fucking with the wrong man! I'm the Razz Prince, yeah? I know who you are.
Who are you? Got a minicab number?