Pie In The Sky (1994) s01e03 Episode Script
An Innocent Man
1 S01xE03 "An Innocent Man" March 27, 1994 He´s had to fly to Geneva.
Then I may as well get back to the house.
You must arrange another date.
We´re running out of time.
Yes, Mr.
Tubbs.
You hear that? It´s a no show.
Repeat it´s a no show.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, chaps, scrub it.
Better luck next time.
You´re getting far too thin, John.
You ought to eat some more of that lovely pie, get a bit of meat on you.
Don´t you think he´s getting thin, Nigel? Oh, no! No, no, no, no.
Chablis should be cellar cool, not frozen to death in the fridge.
You´ve got to give a girl something to hold onto.
I´ll attend to it right away, sir.
Steak and kidney pie.
Potatoes, runner beans, and chard.
Thank you.
Everything all right, Mrs.
Davie? Oh, yes.
Lovely, dear, thank you.
But it hasn´t been in the fridge.
I put that on ice myself 20 minutes ago.
It´s absolutely perfect.
You know what he´s like.
The other night the claret was too warm.
Give it to me.
We´ll leave it over here and then take it back in five minutes.
I swear he does it on purpose.
"Chablis should be cellar cool, not frozen to death in a fridge.
" I´ll bet he´s heard someone say that on television.
Evening.
Hello, Henderson.
Busy? Oh, so-so.
Few of the regulars, you know.
Yeah Well, let´s see.
Um There´s Mrs.
Davie.
She eats half her pie and has the other half put in a doggie bag.
Got to keep an eye on her because she´s got this tendency to drop off in between mouthfuls.
And over there we´ve got one of my favorite customers, the wine snob.
He sends back every bottle of wine he ever orders, and he can´t tell Burgundy from bath water.
Here we´ve got the aging hippie.
Quite a recent addition, actually.
Comes in on Tuesdays and Fridays.
Always has the same thing pie and a glass of red wine.
I quite like him.
Always sends me little messages about the food.
And here, just to round the evening off nicely, we have the love/hate couple.
By the end of the evening, they will either be having a punch-up or tearing each other´s clothes off.
Both if they get going on the cognac.
Would you like a drink while you look at the menu? Yes, why not? We´ll have a bottle of the house white, shall we, sweetheart? Yes, lovely.
Bottle of house white.
Oh, I don´t know.
If I have the steak and kidney pie, perhaps red would be better.
I´ll have whatever you want, sweetheart.
I´m sorry I´m so hopeless.
Can we have another minute? Of course.
No problem.
Oh, Linda, what´s the matter? I have got the love/hate couple.
One Stilton and one crème brulée for table 8, please.
Right away.
Table 4 would like to know if his bottle of wine is ready yet.
Yes, yes.
Of course.
There it is, take it in.
Now, it´s exactly the same, but I bet you he doesn´t notice the difference.
Watch.
Here we go.
"Oh, yes, much better.
Yes, the flavors are really starting to come through now.
" Much better! The flavor´s really starting to come through now.
A hint of gooseberry, but pure, almost buttery.
Rather elegant, actually.
But still earthy.
Sounds just like you, John.
I rest my case.
Oh, watch out, Linda.
Mrs.
Doggie Bag´s nodding off.
Could you put the rest of this in a bag for Oscar, please? Of course, Mrs.
Davie.
Thank you.
Linda, tell him I think he´s put a little suet in the shortcrust pastry today.
Right, so there´s the new menu ideas for next week.
Henderson´s got a lot of very knobbly tomatoes mutating in his greenhouse, so I think we should have some tomato salad to go along with the spinach-and-onion tarts.
And, also, I think we should have a bash at making some of that tomato-and-red-pepper soup.
Oh, and by the way, Steve and I are going to have to go to London next week.
- Oh, yeah? - Well, there are various things we have to do.
Lunch.
- No, actually.
- No.
We need some most excellent parmesan to go with the salad that we´re making out of Henderson´s rocket.
And some balsamic vinegar.
And some olive oil.
Olive oil.
And only then, if there´s any time left at all, we might be able to grab a snack.
It´s definitely lunch.
Afternoon.
Hello! Welcome.
Come on, Cambridge, you must know why he wanted to see me.
There´s nothing that happens in this place without you know all about it.
All I know is that he´s had this DCI from the Met in and out of his office all week.
His name is Fields, and he´s in charge of some investigation that´s moved on to our patch.
Then Julian Tubbs came in.
Julian Tubbs? The MP, sir.
He had a meeting with Fields and Mr.
Fisher yesterday afternoon, and that´s when your name came up.
"Get Crabbe," Mr.
Fisher said through gritted teeth.
Thank you.
Come.
Crabbe.
I suppose you better sit down.
Thank you, sir.
What you are about to hear, Crabbe, must not be discussed with anyone.
Anyone outside this room.
Fine.
Frankly, you´re the last person I want involved, but for reasons that shall become obvious, I´ve got no choice.
That´s very kind of you, sir.
For the last 12 months, DCI Fields has been conducting a fraud squad investigation.
It seems this investigation might now be reaching fruition.
The suspect is about to make a move, and it´s my job to be there when he does.
When he does what, sir? We´re talking about bribery and corruption of public officials at the highest level.
And that´s all you need to know, Crabbe.
Sir.
Uh, what exactly has it got to do with me, sir? You´ve got a restaurant called the Pie in the Sky, right? Uh, no, no.
Actually, I haven´t, sir.
But I thought No, no, you see, it´s my wife that owns the restaurant.
As a serving officer, I simply wouldn´t be allowed to All right, Crabbe, don´t be so literal.
Sorry, sir.
Yeah, well, the bottom line is this.
I´m working for a specialist surveillance team, and I need to get them in there and wire the place from top to bottom, upside down, inside out.
Uh get the team inside where, sir? Inside your restaurant, of course.
It turns out our suspect is one of your regular customers.
One of my regulars? We have reason to believe that said subject will be meeting certain persons at the restaurant and conspiring to commit a criminal act.
So my team will be in there recording every word, every gesture.
I want your complete cooperation on this, Crabbe.
But, uh, recording, sir? We get a complete audiovisual record of that meeting, Crabbe, and boo-boom we get a major result.
Thank you, Inspector.
Ah, thank you, sir.
I hate to mention proper food in these circumstances, but are we going to have lunch in Chinatown? ´Cause I really fancy trying the steamed dumplings you´re on about.
Well, I´m afraid there´s been a slight change of plan there, Steve.
See, um Well, there won´t be time for lunch, not for me, anyway.
I´ve got to go and meet a friend of mine in Scotland Yard.
Well, in that case, I´ll see you in Covent Garden.
You won´t catch me in there.
I´m sorry, Phil.
I don´t see you for all these years, and then when I do, it´s only because I want something.
Nah, it´s good hearing from you anyway, Henry.
It´s just I thought to myself, "If there´s anyone "who´s even heard a whisper about this business, it´s probably Phil Bower.
" Rick Fields working for the fraud office.
Ha! It´d be funny if it wasn´t so tragic.
Yep, that´s the modern police force Whoops, sorry.
Beg your pardon.
Modern police service for you.
Evening, all.
So what do you think Fisher and Fields are up to then? There.
Fields is after that chappy, according to my information.
Duncan Spellar, a very rich bastard.
But you wouldn´t think so to look at him.
He´s into publishing, travel, radio, TV.
Recognize him? Mm, yes.
Comes into the restaurant.
Oh, well, there you go then.
Little tincture? No thanks.
Not while I´m on duty, sir.
I tell you what though, Henry My advice is don´t get involved.
This sort of thing, it´s political.
It´s not for the likes of us.
Well, I do not intend to get involved.
I simply wanted to know what was going on in the restaurant.
Thanks, Phil.
Don´t mention it.
Can I ask you something? Fire away.
What do you actually do here? Do? I don´t do anything.
Private contractor is my job now.
Just sitting out my last six months.
Must be tough.
Oh, no.
It´s fine, it´s fine.
You see, something wonderful has happened to me, Henry.
Something totally unexpected.
I found Jesus.
So I fill my days with prayer.
Things couldn´t be better.
Well, I have to go now.
Bye.
And, uh take care.
Ugh.
Oh, the hell with the expense.
Let´s upgrade ourselves to first class, eh? Yeah.
And not a word to Margaret.
Mr.
Crabbe.
There´s a bloke.
I think he wants you.
Come and join us.
There´s plenty of room.
I´ve reserved a compartment.
Gary, Dean, can we clear some of this stuff away? - Come in.
- Come in.
Hi.
Here, let me give you a hand.
Now, you´re sure we´re not barging in? No, no, I´ve done enough work for today.
- Duncan, we ought to talk about the other contracts.
- Later.
Did you get my message about the pastry the other night? Yes, you were right.
There was suet in it.
He´s got the most exquisite palate, you know.
Don´t bother talking to them about food.
They´re from the cheeseburger generation.
Shh, listen.
We´re going over some points.
There.
Hear it? No, Duncan, and we never do.
Used to be a junction there.
Branch line to St.
Elgar.
Built by Brunel in 1845.
Broad gauge, of course.
Oh, of course.
Do I smell salami? Yes, Milanese.
It´s excellent.
You should try some.
You´ll need some bread with it.
Can you get the olives while you´re up there, Steve? I know, let´s have a bottle of wine while we´re at it, shall we? Picnic.
This could only happen on a train, guys.
Mm.
Cheltenham Flyer used to run on this line, you know.
June 6, 1932.
Engine number 5006.
The Tregenna Castle.
It did the 77 miles between Swindon and Paddington in just under 56 minutes.
Do you like trains, Henry? Well, if I can find a seat on them, yeah.
Makes me really angry the way they´re running down the service on this line.
But things will be different when I´m in charge.
- Sorry? - I´ve applied for the franchise to operate the service on this line.
I´m going to run a railway.
- Not a chance.
- No way.
Thank God.
I´ll never make money.
These guys don´t think I stand a chance.
The powers that be can´t stand him.
He´s a member of the Labour Party, for God´s sake.
Join the Tory Party, give them 100 grand, and you might squeak in.
- Sir Duncan.
- Sir Duncan.
Listen to them.
So young and yet so cynical.
What do you reckon, Henry? Think I´ll triumph over my enemies and return the Cheltenham Flyer to its former glory? Well, let´s hope so.
The Tregenna Castle was clocked at 92.
4 miles per hour over this stretch.
In 1932.
Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
And a couple of large pumpkins.
Pumpkins? For the pasta.
Pumpkin pasta? What, you mean like spaghetti and pumpkin? No.
- Weird.
- No, no, no, no.
You scoop the flesh out of the pumpkin, put it in foil, and bosh it in the oven for an hour.
Then you take it out and mash it up with a couple of egg yolks and a hint of nutmeg and then add some parmesan.
Then you take a dollop of that mixture and put it on some fresh pasta.
Then you seal it and then poach it in salt water, and there you are pumpkin ravioli.
That´s got to be dead fiddly, innit? Making all those little ravioli by hand.
No, no, no, no.
It´s a giant ravioli.
You only get one in a portion.
Well, if there´s only one in a portion, I think you should call it raviolo, in the singular.
Otherwise, people might get the wrong idea.
You´re unbelievable, you know, the pair of you.
We´re closed.
So what you´re saying is you want some pumpkins.
Exactly! Yes.
Crabbe? Henry, someone for you.
I´m off.
Uh, Margaret, this is Detective Chief Inspector Fields.
- Are you Mrs.
Crabbe? - Yes.
- Anyone else on the premises? - No.
All right, lads, in you come.
Henry, what´s going on? I´m sorry, Margaret We need to check the layout of the place.
Get an idea of the sort of equipment we´re going to need.
Equipment? Tables are too close together.
Yeah, they pack ´em in like sardines in cafes like this.
I beg your pardon! Where´s the light switches, sir? Uh, over there.
I got problems with my field of vision.
I can´t get an angle from the van Into the restaurant.
Light levels are very low.
We have to bring a camera in here.
A remote through the bulb is safer.
What happens in the floor above? We live there.
Problem solved we drill through, put me and the monitor in the room above.
- Drill through? - We´re going to have to rearrange the tables.
Shouldn´t be a problem with the background noise.
Henry, I´m going upstairs, and when you have a moment, I´d like a word! Is there any danger of an hors d´oeuvre? Fresh green salad, maybe, and some garlic bread? No, no danger whatsoever.
Good night, madam.
Thanks for coming.
Enjoy your holiday.
Would you like some more coffee, Mr.
Spellar? No, thanks.
Can I have a word with Mr.
Crabbe? Yes, of course.
I hear Gershwin.
Yes, we play it into the chickens in the evening.
It helps them settle down.
It´s interesting, we´ve had loads of double yolkers ever since we started playing Gershwin.
Full of surprises, Henry.
A policeman who cooks, plays music to his chickens.
Yes, well, a very reluctant policeman, as I think I explained to you on the train.
Yes, I know.
It´s the policeman from whom I need advice.
You´re supposed to say, "I hope you´re not in some sort of trouble.
" I hope you´re not in some sort of trouble.
Actually, I think I´m being followed.
Why would anyone want to follow you? I have no idea.
Whoever they are, I don´t see what they have to gain by sitting outside a restaurant in Middleton while I eat steak and kidney pie.
You mean someone´s followed you here tonight? There´s a white Granada parked on the high street.
Do me a favor, when I leave see if they follow me.
Maybe I´m just being paranoid.
Good of you to come, Cambridge.
Brought you some coffee.
Oh, that´s very thoughtful.
Thank you.
Would you like one? Bean sprouts on granary.
Don´t tempt me, Cambridge.
Right.
"White Granada, Kilo-38-Delta-Juliet-Hotel.
" Thank you.
It´s registered in a company name.
Strongfellows Security Consultants.
Oh, no, don´t tell me it´s private detectives.
Yep.
Divorce, matrimonial, process serving.
It´s run by two women Kelly Strong and Lucy wait for it Fellows.
Oh, how very droll.
You going to tell me what this is about? Uh, n No, Cambridge, I´m not.
Oh, Margaret! Margaret! Damn.
I don´t know why people drive so fast! God, I hate car chases! Crabbe! Fancy meeting you here! I don´t think he recognizes you without a glass in your hand, Nigel we come to your restaurant.
Oh, of course, yes.
How nice to see you.
Had the most incredible luck the other day.
This friend of mine opened a bottle of Chateau l´Ange Belge I´m so sorry.
- But the exit´s this way.
- Um, yes.
I´ve always been a Burgundy man myself, as you probably know.
Look, I´m very sorry, I want to get across over there, you see.
Um, uh, bye.
You know, I think Mr.
Crabbe is a closet train spotter.
Two liver and bacon, one pie.
Sorry! One sorrel pancake and two leek vinaigrette.
By the way, Duncan Spellar called.
He wants you round his place for tea this afternoon.
Thanks, Steve.
Oh, Mr.
Crabbe.
Duncan´s in the old library.
Up the stairs, take the corridor on your right, and you can´t miss it.
Henry.
Hi.
Come on in.
What do you think? I like the trees and cows.
Shouldn´t you have a train driver´s cap on or something? Yeah, I know what you´re thinking.
Toys for the boys, grown men playing with trains.
Whoo-whoo! And now you want a real, full, life-sized one all of your own.
Yep.
Isn´t it against your principles, buying up a nationalized industry? If everybody owns it already, why should you have it? Because if it isn´t me, it will be someone else.
And one day when you get a train up to London to buy your salami and olive oil, it will be business class only, treble fares, and the engine will be named after some hamburger.
- I´ll do better than that.
- You think so? When I started out, people said, "You´ll have to smarten up and wear a suit; otherwise, no one will take you seriously.
" But I thought, "No, that´s their problem, not mine.
" I take you seriously.
Does that mean you´re going to help me? - How can I help you? - Come on, Henry, you know what I mean.
Somebody´s after me.
You saw what happened last night.
I´m being followed.
Watched, listened to.
Maybe this room is bugged.
Maybe we´re being listened to this very minute.
Well, a good security firm should sort that out for you.
I don´t want a good security firm, I don´t trust them.
I want you.
Go to a police station and make a complaint.
Go through the proper channels.
I can´t help you in my spare time.
It just doesn´t work like that.
Here, you take the goods train.
No, no, I´d rather not, thank you.
Come on, you´re in control.
What? I don´t want to be in control.
Who´s following me, Henry? - What? - Don´t tell me you didn´t check the registration number of that Granada.
Look, the only reason I´m a policeman still is because they won´t let me retire.
It´s no good trying to appeal to my good nature or my sense of fair play because I lost both of those years ago.
Henry, slow down.
I can´t.
I´m very sorry.
Human error.
Yeah.
Just have to learn to live with it.
Exactly.
I think I better go before I break anything else.
Right.
I´ll see you tomorrow night.
You will? I´ve booked a table at the restaurant.
Business, I´m afraid.
I know you´ll look out for us.
I´ll do my best.
What exactly were you doing at Duncan Spellar´s house, Crabbe? Well, he´s got this rather wonderful railway set, sir, and, you know, it´s got stations and villages and a farm with, um, cows and sheep and so on, and, well, I never had a railway set when I was a child.
You were playing model railways? Well, it´s not my sort of thing.
I made a complete mess of it, crashed the goods train.
For God´s sake, Crabbe, answer the question! How did you come to be at Spellar´s house? He´s one of my regular customers, sir.
He´s interested in food and wine, and we talk.
What´s so unusual about that? Duncan Spellar is the man that I´m investigating.
That´s what´s so unusual, Inspector.
Duncan Spellar? Good God, what a surprise.
Who would have thought it, eh? Takes all sorts, I suppose.
I´ll be moving my team in the restaurant this evening.
This evening? Yes.
Your little pal with the train set will be entertaining a very important person this evening.
I´m surprised he didn´t mention it, Crabbe.
I really need those pumpkins, not to mention onions, tomatoes, and beans.
- And where the hell is Henderson? - Vanished into thin air.
Well, I´ve got enough on my plate without worrying about Duncan Spellar.
Is that Julian Tubbs? Yes, sir.
The MP? Yes, sir.
One that´s been having these meetings with Fisher and Fields? Yes, sir.
Right.
Now, then Julian Tubbs MP hires these two female private detectives to follow Spellar round and to spy and pry and prod into his private life, do you see? Oh, obviously.
That´s how Fisher and Fields knew that I´d been round to see Spellar.
Didn´t you say Spellar was applying for a British Rail franchise? Hm.
You see, the private detectives tell Tubbs, Tubbs tells Fisher, and Fisher wheels me in.
Because Julian Tubbs MP sits on a committee which vets British Rail franchise applications.
I I The question is, why is Tubbs going to all this Tubbs is what? There´s an article about it here.
I´m looking at it Of course.
Of course! You see, Spellar wants to buy the rail franchise that runs through Tubbs´ constituency, but Tubbs cannot stand Spellar.
Not only is he left wing, he´s also very rich.
It´s a terrible combination.
Tubbs will do anything to stop Spellar winning the franchise, so what does he do? I don´t know, Henry.
What does he do? Uh-uh-uh! He has lunch with an old chum at the Home Office.
Old chum in the Home Office then has a whisper in the ear of someone on the fraud squad.
Someone on the fraud squad, next thing you know, sends down Fields and co.
into this manor.
Fisher´s ecstatic because now he´s able to do a favor to somebody by helping to nail, nail Duncan Spellar, a scruffy tycoon who won´t even wear a tie.
Well, if Spellar´s aboveboard, he´s all right, and if he´s not, it´s bad luck, isn´t it? Hm.
After all, what´s your saying about businessmen? "Deal goes right, open the champagne" "Deal goes wrong, open prison," I know.
You see, I just get the feeling that what Fields is up to, I think, is entrapment.
They´re going to provoke Duncan Spellar into committing a crime, and when he does, they´ll break him with it.
It´s a pretty grey area.
I know what´s going on.
You have got a soft spot for Duncan Spellar because he likes your pies.
Nonsense.
Yes.
You have these nice little chats about pastry, marinating beef, and you can´t entertain the thought that possibly he might not be a good person.
Can you? Margaret, get off.
You hate it when I´m right, don´t you? Oh, God, they´re here.
Henry, just do what you think is right.
I´m not sure I know what that is.
Yes, so, the Barnetts will be coming at 7:30.
They usually sit at table 4, there.
Mrs.
Davie will be on table 9, and the Smiths usually want number 1.
People get very possessive about certain tables.
So we can put the Spellar party here.
Yes, I´ll make sure that they´re on table 3, yes.
And none of the staff know anything about this, do they? No.
Let´s keep it that way, all right? What time are they due to arrive? Uh, they´re They should be here in about an hour, sir.
Let´s get on with it, then.
And you, Pyke.
Wait a minute, what´s all this? It´s in case we need a man out here.
No, it´s out of the question.
I can do the biz, sir.
Silver service, flambée, the lot.
Over my dead body.
Henderson! Testing, testing.
Testing.
Testing.
Testing.
Enderby? That´s fine.
Think you´d better go now.
My chef will be here any minute.
Jawohl.
Okay, Pyke? A-one up here, gov.
I´ve got a feeling we´re going to stitch him up rotten tonight.
What about this pasta, then? Oh, no chance today.
Henderson didn´t show up with those pumpkins.
Give his number another go, would you, Steve? Margaret? Can you try and get that fella out of the bedroom for a couple of minutes? How am I supposed to do that? You´ll think of something Whoa, whoa! And jiggle the receiver on the phone a couple of times when you´ve done it, all right? Look, uh - Could I have a few moments in here to get changed? - What? I have to get changed.
There won´t be any customers down there for half an hour.
Okey-dokey.
Mr.
Crabbe, I don´t see What the hell´s that? Pyke? What´s going on in there? Uh, nothing, chief.
Spellar´s here.
And here come the other two.
Nice to meet you.
Mr.
Tubbs, can I introduce you to Duncan Spellar? Nice to meet you.
How do you do? Sit, sit.
We´re off.
We´re getting nothing down here.
Are they at the right table? Yeah, definitely.
What the bloody hell´s going on, Enderby? There´s three mics on that table.
They can´t all have gone pear-shaped.
You must have the steak and kidney pie.
It´s the specialité de la maison.
Splendid.
And a bottle of decent claret to wash it down, hm? I´m starving.
Me, too.
WOMAN, OVER STATIC: What are you going to have? I´m not sure.
Thank God for that.
It´s all right, Dave.
Panic over, we´ve got ´em.
The soup sounds good.
"We have the technology.
" I´m glad to have the opportunity of this little chat, Spellar.
Mr.
Tubbs is a great believer in the informal approach.
Me, too.
Could we have another minute, please? You know why I´m so hungry, don´t you? It´s all those calories I burnt off this afternoon.
Oh, I know twice.
You´re just so incredible, darling.
It just gets better and better, doesn´t it, sweetheart? Give me a kiss.
You randy old thing.
Dave, what are they doing? We´re getting snogging down here.
What do you mean, snogging? They´re just talking.
All very polite.
Oh, no, wait a minute, there´s this couple on the table next-door.
I told you to stay out of here.
There´s been a cock-up.
We´ve got to get a mic on that table.
Who´s that? Just go make sure that order ends up on the right table.
Uh I´ll explain later.
I think I detect a slight wobble in your table, sir.
Are you sure this is the ´85? - Show me the label.
- My apologies.
Will you be wanting English mustard or whole grain I said, you brought me the ´87, when I ordered the ´85! What on earth do you think you´re doing? It´s this table again, I´m afraid.
What? There we are.
Bon appetit, madame, monsieur.
Look here, I want to know what´s going on.
Keep your hair on.
Mr.
Crabbe, hiring new staff just like that? Calm down, John, I´m not hiring any new staff.
That´s enough of that! It´s all right, Steve.
Let him go.
John, Linda, go back to work.
Everything is under control.
So, you´re really set on this British Rail franchise? Of course I´ve made no secret of it.
You´re on the committee, you´ve read my application.
Yes, I think what Mr.
Tubbs wants to know here is precisely how keen you are.
All right.
I´d do anything to win that franchise.
That´s how keen I am.
TUBBS, LAUGHING: Anything within law, of course.
Let´s just say anything.
Now we´re cooking.
Yes, I think what Mr.
Tubbs is saying here is that there´s an element missing from your application.
A, um personal element.
Let´s not beat around the bush.
Oi! I´ve got a delivery to make! What now, for God´s sake! You´re talking about some way in which I could encourage you to use your influence on the committee, hmm? You might suggest that, Mr.
Tubbs never would.
All right, I wish to suggest Come on, I know you´re inside there! Look, just sod off, will ya? Not until you move your poxy van! Get him out of here! Spellar´s going for it! What´s going on in there, anyway? Let´s say I was to suggest an arrangement whereby an arrangement whereby a certain sum of money - Yes? - Yes? Are you all right? Yes.
Put the rest of this meal into a bag for Oscar, would you, dear? Hello, Henry.
You were going to the gents´? I wasn´t, actually.
Up the stairs, through the door marked "private," second door on the right don´t forget.
I ordered the ´85, you know.
Yes, well, John tells me you ordered the ´87, and frankly, I´d rather believe him.
So This meal is on the house, but not this bottle, which, incidentally, is much nicer than the ´85, and I shall share this with my staff in the kitchen.
And I´d rather you never came here again.
But not you, Mrs.
Barnett, you´re always welcome.
Thank you, Mr.
Crabbe.
How sweet.
Have you decided yet, madame? No.
I think we´ll need another day or two.
I´ll fetch another napkin, sir.
Where´s Spellar, Pyke? I repeat do you know where Spellar is? I don´t know, there was some sort of ruckus.
It looked like this old biddy had popped her clogs.
I repeat do you know where Spellar is?! Uh, yeah, I do, actually.
Find it all right? Yes, I did.
Thanks.
Is this geezer one of yours, Crabbe? Oh, Anderson.
And about time, too.
Where are my pumpkins? Of course, I realized very soon what Tubbs was up to.
Can you hear me, Crabbe? Using his influence as an MP to pursue a political vendetta against Duncan Spellar.
He knew very well the publicity alone would be enough to discourage Spellar.
An innocent man, after all.
I dare say there would have been some, uh, difficult questions for you to answer, Crabbe.
Difficult questions for me to answer, sir? With you working with Fields and his team.
It was on your premises that Spellar was first introduced to Tubbs.
As it happens Spellar´s a reasonable man.
I´ve established a relationship there, I think.
Anyway, I persuaded him not to lodge a complaint where you´re concerned.
Isn´t there a still-life by Braque with an egg that color in it, sir? Did you hear what I was saying, Crabbe? Uh, yes, sir.
And I´m most grateful.
Thank heavens, you realized what was going on.
Who was it said that to do the right thing while appearing to do the wrong thing was the sign of true leadership? Well, if you´ll excuse me, I´ve got to try a new pasta, sir.
So, what did Fisher say? Oh, he was singing your praises.
He said, "Duncan Spellar is an innocent man, after all.
" There we go.
Look at that.
Pumpkin ravioli.
Brilliant.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you an innocent man.
- Hear, hear! - Cheers!
Then I may as well get back to the house.
You must arrange another date.
We´re running out of time.
Yes, Mr.
Tubbs.
You hear that? It´s a no show.
Repeat it´s a no show.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, chaps, scrub it.
Better luck next time.
You´re getting far too thin, John.
You ought to eat some more of that lovely pie, get a bit of meat on you.
Don´t you think he´s getting thin, Nigel? Oh, no! No, no, no, no.
Chablis should be cellar cool, not frozen to death in the fridge.
You´ve got to give a girl something to hold onto.
I´ll attend to it right away, sir.
Steak and kidney pie.
Potatoes, runner beans, and chard.
Thank you.
Everything all right, Mrs.
Davie? Oh, yes.
Lovely, dear, thank you.
But it hasn´t been in the fridge.
I put that on ice myself 20 minutes ago.
It´s absolutely perfect.
You know what he´s like.
The other night the claret was too warm.
Give it to me.
We´ll leave it over here and then take it back in five minutes.
I swear he does it on purpose.
"Chablis should be cellar cool, not frozen to death in a fridge.
" I´ll bet he´s heard someone say that on television.
Evening.
Hello, Henderson.
Busy? Oh, so-so.
Few of the regulars, you know.
Yeah Well, let´s see.
Um There´s Mrs.
Davie.
She eats half her pie and has the other half put in a doggie bag.
Got to keep an eye on her because she´s got this tendency to drop off in between mouthfuls.
And over there we´ve got one of my favorite customers, the wine snob.
He sends back every bottle of wine he ever orders, and he can´t tell Burgundy from bath water.
Here we´ve got the aging hippie.
Quite a recent addition, actually.
Comes in on Tuesdays and Fridays.
Always has the same thing pie and a glass of red wine.
I quite like him.
Always sends me little messages about the food.
And here, just to round the evening off nicely, we have the love/hate couple.
By the end of the evening, they will either be having a punch-up or tearing each other´s clothes off.
Both if they get going on the cognac.
Would you like a drink while you look at the menu? Yes, why not? We´ll have a bottle of the house white, shall we, sweetheart? Yes, lovely.
Bottle of house white.
Oh, I don´t know.
If I have the steak and kidney pie, perhaps red would be better.
I´ll have whatever you want, sweetheart.
I´m sorry I´m so hopeless.
Can we have another minute? Of course.
No problem.
Oh, Linda, what´s the matter? I have got the love/hate couple.
One Stilton and one crème brulée for table 8, please.
Right away.
Table 4 would like to know if his bottle of wine is ready yet.
Yes, yes.
Of course.
There it is, take it in.
Now, it´s exactly the same, but I bet you he doesn´t notice the difference.
Watch.
Here we go.
"Oh, yes, much better.
Yes, the flavors are really starting to come through now.
" Much better! The flavor´s really starting to come through now.
A hint of gooseberry, but pure, almost buttery.
Rather elegant, actually.
But still earthy.
Sounds just like you, John.
I rest my case.
Oh, watch out, Linda.
Mrs.
Doggie Bag´s nodding off.
Could you put the rest of this in a bag for Oscar, please? Of course, Mrs.
Davie.
Thank you.
Linda, tell him I think he´s put a little suet in the shortcrust pastry today.
Right, so there´s the new menu ideas for next week.
Henderson´s got a lot of very knobbly tomatoes mutating in his greenhouse, so I think we should have some tomato salad to go along with the spinach-and-onion tarts.
And, also, I think we should have a bash at making some of that tomato-and-red-pepper soup.
Oh, and by the way, Steve and I are going to have to go to London next week.
- Oh, yeah? - Well, there are various things we have to do.
Lunch.
- No, actually.
- No.
We need some most excellent parmesan to go with the salad that we´re making out of Henderson´s rocket.
And some balsamic vinegar.
And some olive oil.
Olive oil.
And only then, if there´s any time left at all, we might be able to grab a snack.
It´s definitely lunch.
Afternoon.
Hello! Welcome.
Come on, Cambridge, you must know why he wanted to see me.
There´s nothing that happens in this place without you know all about it.
All I know is that he´s had this DCI from the Met in and out of his office all week.
His name is Fields, and he´s in charge of some investigation that´s moved on to our patch.
Then Julian Tubbs came in.
Julian Tubbs? The MP, sir.
He had a meeting with Fields and Mr.
Fisher yesterday afternoon, and that´s when your name came up.
"Get Crabbe," Mr.
Fisher said through gritted teeth.
Thank you.
Come.
Crabbe.
I suppose you better sit down.
Thank you, sir.
What you are about to hear, Crabbe, must not be discussed with anyone.
Anyone outside this room.
Fine.
Frankly, you´re the last person I want involved, but for reasons that shall become obvious, I´ve got no choice.
That´s very kind of you, sir.
For the last 12 months, DCI Fields has been conducting a fraud squad investigation.
It seems this investigation might now be reaching fruition.
The suspect is about to make a move, and it´s my job to be there when he does.
When he does what, sir? We´re talking about bribery and corruption of public officials at the highest level.
And that´s all you need to know, Crabbe.
Sir.
Uh, what exactly has it got to do with me, sir? You´ve got a restaurant called the Pie in the Sky, right? Uh, no, no.
Actually, I haven´t, sir.
But I thought No, no, you see, it´s my wife that owns the restaurant.
As a serving officer, I simply wouldn´t be allowed to All right, Crabbe, don´t be so literal.
Sorry, sir.
Yeah, well, the bottom line is this.
I´m working for a specialist surveillance team, and I need to get them in there and wire the place from top to bottom, upside down, inside out.
Uh get the team inside where, sir? Inside your restaurant, of course.
It turns out our suspect is one of your regular customers.
One of my regulars? We have reason to believe that said subject will be meeting certain persons at the restaurant and conspiring to commit a criminal act.
So my team will be in there recording every word, every gesture.
I want your complete cooperation on this, Crabbe.
But, uh, recording, sir? We get a complete audiovisual record of that meeting, Crabbe, and boo-boom we get a major result.
Thank you, Inspector.
Ah, thank you, sir.
I hate to mention proper food in these circumstances, but are we going to have lunch in Chinatown? ´Cause I really fancy trying the steamed dumplings you´re on about.
Well, I´m afraid there´s been a slight change of plan there, Steve.
See, um Well, there won´t be time for lunch, not for me, anyway.
I´ve got to go and meet a friend of mine in Scotland Yard.
Well, in that case, I´ll see you in Covent Garden.
You won´t catch me in there.
I´m sorry, Phil.
I don´t see you for all these years, and then when I do, it´s only because I want something.
Nah, it´s good hearing from you anyway, Henry.
It´s just I thought to myself, "If there´s anyone "who´s even heard a whisper about this business, it´s probably Phil Bower.
" Rick Fields working for the fraud office.
Ha! It´d be funny if it wasn´t so tragic.
Yep, that´s the modern police force Whoops, sorry.
Beg your pardon.
Modern police service for you.
Evening, all.
So what do you think Fisher and Fields are up to then? There.
Fields is after that chappy, according to my information.
Duncan Spellar, a very rich bastard.
But you wouldn´t think so to look at him.
He´s into publishing, travel, radio, TV.
Recognize him? Mm, yes.
Comes into the restaurant.
Oh, well, there you go then.
Little tincture? No thanks.
Not while I´m on duty, sir.
I tell you what though, Henry My advice is don´t get involved.
This sort of thing, it´s political.
It´s not for the likes of us.
Well, I do not intend to get involved.
I simply wanted to know what was going on in the restaurant.
Thanks, Phil.
Don´t mention it.
Can I ask you something? Fire away.
What do you actually do here? Do? I don´t do anything.
Private contractor is my job now.
Just sitting out my last six months.
Must be tough.
Oh, no.
It´s fine, it´s fine.
You see, something wonderful has happened to me, Henry.
Something totally unexpected.
I found Jesus.
So I fill my days with prayer.
Things couldn´t be better.
Well, I have to go now.
Bye.
And, uh take care.
Ugh.
Oh, the hell with the expense.
Let´s upgrade ourselves to first class, eh? Yeah.
And not a word to Margaret.
Mr.
Crabbe.
There´s a bloke.
I think he wants you.
Come and join us.
There´s plenty of room.
I´ve reserved a compartment.
Gary, Dean, can we clear some of this stuff away? - Come in.
- Come in.
Hi.
Here, let me give you a hand.
Now, you´re sure we´re not barging in? No, no, I´ve done enough work for today.
- Duncan, we ought to talk about the other contracts.
- Later.
Did you get my message about the pastry the other night? Yes, you were right.
There was suet in it.
He´s got the most exquisite palate, you know.
Don´t bother talking to them about food.
They´re from the cheeseburger generation.
Shh, listen.
We´re going over some points.
There.
Hear it? No, Duncan, and we never do.
Used to be a junction there.
Branch line to St.
Elgar.
Built by Brunel in 1845.
Broad gauge, of course.
Oh, of course.
Do I smell salami? Yes, Milanese.
It´s excellent.
You should try some.
You´ll need some bread with it.
Can you get the olives while you´re up there, Steve? I know, let´s have a bottle of wine while we´re at it, shall we? Picnic.
This could only happen on a train, guys.
Mm.
Cheltenham Flyer used to run on this line, you know.
June 6, 1932.
Engine number 5006.
The Tregenna Castle.
It did the 77 miles between Swindon and Paddington in just under 56 minutes.
Do you like trains, Henry? Well, if I can find a seat on them, yeah.
Makes me really angry the way they´re running down the service on this line.
But things will be different when I´m in charge.
- Sorry? - I´ve applied for the franchise to operate the service on this line.
I´m going to run a railway.
- Not a chance.
- No way.
Thank God.
I´ll never make money.
These guys don´t think I stand a chance.
The powers that be can´t stand him.
He´s a member of the Labour Party, for God´s sake.
Join the Tory Party, give them 100 grand, and you might squeak in.
- Sir Duncan.
- Sir Duncan.
Listen to them.
So young and yet so cynical.
What do you reckon, Henry? Think I´ll triumph over my enemies and return the Cheltenham Flyer to its former glory? Well, let´s hope so.
The Tregenna Castle was clocked at 92.
4 miles per hour over this stretch.
In 1932.
Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
And a couple of large pumpkins.
Pumpkins? For the pasta.
Pumpkin pasta? What, you mean like spaghetti and pumpkin? No.
- Weird.
- No, no, no, no.
You scoop the flesh out of the pumpkin, put it in foil, and bosh it in the oven for an hour.
Then you take it out and mash it up with a couple of egg yolks and a hint of nutmeg and then add some parmesan.
Then you take a dollop of that mixture and put it on some fresh pasta.
Then you seal it and then poach it in salt water, and there you are pumpkin ravioli.
That´s got to be dead fiddly, innit? Making all those little ravioli by hand.
No, no, no, no.
It´s a giant ravioli.
You only get one in a portion.
Well, if there´s only one in a portion, I think you should call it raviolo, in the singular.
Otherwise, people might get the wrong idea.
You´re unbelievable, you know, the pair of you.
We´re closed.
So what you´re saying is you want some pumpkins.
Exactly! Yes.
Crabbe? Henry, someone for you.
I´m off.
Uh, Margaret, this is Detective Chief Inspector Fields.
- Are you Mrs.
Crabbe? - Yes.
- Anyone else on the premises? - No.
All right, lads, in you come.
Henry, what´s going on? I´m sorry, Margaret We need to check the layout of the place.
Get an idea of the sort of equipment we´re going to need.
Equipment? Tables are too close together.
Yeah, they pack ´em in like sardines in cafes like this.
I beg your pardon! Where´s the light switches, sir? Uh, over there.
I got problems with my field of vision.
I can´t get an angle from the van Into the restaurant.
Light levels are very low.
We have to bring a camera in here.
A remote through the bulb is safer.
What happens in the floor above? We live there.
Problem solved we drill through, put me and the monitor in the room above.
- Drill through? - We´re going to have to rearrange the tables.
Shouldn´t be a problem with the background noise.
Henry, I´m going upstairs, and when you have a moment, I´d like a word! Is there any danger of an hors d´oeuvre? Fresh green salad, maybe, and some garlic bread? No, no danger whatsoever.
Good night, madam.
Thanks for coming.
Enjoy your holiday.
Would you like some more coffee, Mr.
Spellar? No, thanks.
Can I have a word with Mr.
Crabbe? Yes, of course.
I hear Gershwin.
Yes, we play it into the chickens in the evening.
It helps them settle down.
It´s interesting, we´ve had loads of double yolkers ever since we started playing Gershwin.
Full of surprises, Henry.
A policeman who cooks, plays music to his chickens.
Yes, well, a very reluctant policeman, as I think I explained to you on the train.
Yes, I know.
It´s the policeman from whom I need advice.
You´re supposed to say, "I hope you´re not in some sort of trouble.
" I hope you´re not in some sort of trouble.
Actually, I think I´m being followed.
Why would anyone want to follow you? I have no idea.
Whoever they are, I don´t see what they have to gain by sitting outside a restaurant in Middleton while I eat steak and kidney pie.
You mean someone´s followed you here tonight? There´s a white Granada parked on the high street.
Do me a favor, when I leave see if they follow me.
Maybe I´m just being paranoid.
Good of you to come, Cambridge.
Brought you some coffee.
Oh, that´s very thoughtful.
Thank you.
Would you like one? Bean sprouts on granary.
Don´t tempt me, Cambridge.
Right.
"White Granada, Kilo-38-Delta-Juliet-Hotel.
" Thank you.
It´s registered in a company name.
Strongfellows Security Consultants.
Oh, no, don´t tell me it´s private detectives.
Yep.
Divorce, matrimonial, process serving.
It´s run by two women Kelly Strong and Lucy wait for it Fellows.
Oh, how very droll.
You going to tell me what this is about? Uh, n No, Cambridge, I´m not.
Oh, Margaret! Margaret! Damn.
I don´t know why people drive so fast! God, I hate car chases! Crabbe! Fancy meeting you here! I don´t think he recognizes you without a glass in your hand, Nigel we come to your restaurant.
Oh, of course, yes.
How nice to see you.
Had the most incredible luck the other day.
This friend of mine opened a bottle of Chateau l´Ange Belge I´m so sorry.
- But the exit´s this way.
- Um, yes.
I´ve always been a Burgundy man myself, as you probably know.
Look, I´m very sorry, I want to get across over there, you see.
Um, uh, bye.
You know, I think Mr.
Crabbe is a closet train spotter.
Two liver and bacon, one pie.
Sorry! One sorrel pancake and two leek vinaigrette.
By the way, Duncan Spellar called.
He wants you round his place for tea this afternoon.
Thanks, Steve.
Oh, Mr.
Crabbe.
Duncan´s in the old library.
Up the stairs, take the corridor on your right, and you can´t miss it.
Henry.
Hi.
Come on in.
What do you think? I like the trees and cows.
Shouldn´t you have a train driver´s cap on or something? Yeah, I know what you´re thinking.
Toys for the boys, grown men playing with trains.
Whoo-whoo! And now you want a real, full, life-sized one all of your own.
Yep.
Isn´t it against your principles, buying up a nationalized industry? If everybody owns it already, why should you have it? Because if it isn´t me, it will be someone else.
And one day when you get a train up to London to buy your salami and olive oil, it will be business class only, treble fares, and the engine will be named after some hamburger.
- I´ll do better than that.
- You think so? When I started out, people said, "You´ll have to smarten up and wear a suit; otherwise, no one will take you seriously.
" But I thought, "No, that´s their problem, not mine.
" I take you seriously.
Does that mean you´re going to help me? - How can I help you? - Come on, Henry, you know what I mean.
Somebody´s after me.
You saw what happened last night.
I´m being followed.
Watched, listened to.
Maybe this room is bugged.
Maybe we´re being listened to this very minute.
Well, a good security firm should sort that out for you.
I don´t want a good security firm, I don´t trust them.
I want you.
Go to a police station and make a complaint.
Go through the proper channels.
I can´t help you in my spare time.
It just doesn´t work like that.
Here, you take the goods train.
No, no, I´d rather not, thank you.
Come on, you´re in control.
What? I don´t want to be in control.
Who´s following me, Henry? - What? - Don´t tell me you didn´t check the registration number of that Granada.
Look, the only reason I´m a policeman still is because they won´t let me retire.
It´s no good trying to appeal to my good nature or my sense of fair play because I lost both of those years ago.
Henry, slow down.
I can´t.
I´m very sorry.
Human error.
Yeah.
Just have to learn to live with it.
Exactly.
I think I better go before I break anything else.
Right.
I´ll see you tomorrow night.
You will? I´ve booked a table at the restaurant.
Business, I´m afraid.
I know you´ll look out for us.
I´ll do my best.
What exactly were you doing at Duncan Spellar´s house, Crabbe? Well, he´s got this rather wonderful railway set, sir, and, you know, it´s got stations and villages and a farm with, um, cows and sheep and so on, and, well, I never had a railway set when I was a child.
You were playing model railways? Well, it´s not my sort of thing.
I made a complete mess of it, crashed the goods train.
For God´s sake, Crabbe, answer the question! How did you come to be at Spellar´s house? He´s one of my regular customers, sir.
He´s interested in food and wine, and we talk.
What´s so unusual about that? Duncan Spellar is the man that I´m investigating.
That´s what´s so unusual, Inspector.
Duncan Spellar? Good God, what a surprise.
Who would have thought it, eh? Takes all sorts, I suppose.
I´ll be moving my team in the restaurant this evening.
This evening? Yes.
Your little pal with the train set will be entertaining a very important person this evening.
I´m surprised he didn´t mention it, Crabbe.
I really need those pumpkins, not to mention onions, tomatoes, and beans.
- And where the hell is Henderson? - Vanished into thin air.
Well, I´ve got enough on my plate without worrying about Duncan Spellar.
Is that Julian Tubbs? Yes, sir.
The MP? Yes, sir.
One that´s been having these meetings with Fisher and Fields? Yes, sir.
Right.
Now, then Julian Tubbs MP hires these two female private detectives to follow Spellar round and to spy and pry and prod into his private life, do you see? Oh, obviously.
That´s how Fisher and Fields knew that I´d been round to see Spellar.
Didn´t you say Spellar was applying for a British Rail franchise? Hm.
You see, the private detectives tell Tubbs, Tubbs tells Fisher, and Fisher wheels me in.
Because Julian Tubbs MP sits on a committee which vets British Rail franchise applications.
I I The question is, why is Tubbs going to all this Tubbs is what? There´s an article about it here.
I´m looking at it Of course.
Of course! You see, Spellar wants to buy the rail franchise that runs through Tubbs´ constituency, but Tubbs cannot stand Spellar.
Not only is he left wing, he´s also very rich.
It´s a terrible combination.
Tubbs will do anything to stop Spellar winning the franchise, so what does he do? I don´t know, Henry.
What does he do? Uh-uh-uh! He has lunch with an old chum at the Home Office.
Old chum in the Home Office then has a whisper in the ear of someone on the fraud squad.
Someone on the fraud squad, next thing you know, sends down Fields and co.
into this manor.
Fisher´s ecstatic because now he´s able to do a favor to somebody by helping to nail, nail Duncan Spellar, a scruffy tycoon who won´t even wear a tie.
Well, if Spellar´s aboveboard, he´s all right, and if he´s not, it´s bad luck, isn´t it? Hm.
After all, what´s your saying about businessmen? "Deal goes right, open the champagne" "Deal goes wrong, open prison," I know.
You see, I just get the feeling that what Fields is up to, I think, is entrapment.
They´re going to provoke Duncan Spellar into committing a crime, and when he does, they´ll break him with it.
It´s a pretty grey area.
I know what´s going on.
You have got a soft spot for Duncan Spellar because he likes your pies.
Nonsense.
Yes.
You have these nice little chats about pastry, marinating beef, and you can´t entertain the thought that possibly he might not be a good person.
Can you? Margaret, get off.
You hate it when I´m right, don´t you? Oh, God, they´re here.
Henry, just do what you think is right.
I´m not sure I know what that is.
Yes, so, the Barnetts will be coming at 7:30.
They usually sit at table 4, there.
Mrs.
Davie will be on table 9, and the Smiths usually want number 1.
People get very possessive about certain tables.
So we can put the Spellar party here.
Yes, I´ll make sure that they´re on table 3, yes.
And none of the staff know anything about this, do they? No.
Let´s keep it that way, all right? What time are they due to arrive? Uh, they´re They should be here in about an hour, sir.
Let´s get on with it, then.
And you, Pyke.
Wait a minute, what´s all this? It´s in case we need a man out here.
No, it´s out of the question.
I can do the biz, sir.
Silver service, flambée, the lot.
Over my dead body.
Henderson! Testing, testing.
Testing.
Testing.
Testing.
Enderby? That´s fine.
Think you´d better go now.
My chef will be here any minute.
Jawohl.
Okay, Pyke? A-one up here, gov.
I´ve got a feeling we´re going to stitch him up rotten tonight.
What about this pasta, then? Oh, no chance today.
Henderson didn´t show up with those pumpkins.
Give his number another go, would you, Steve? Margaret? Can you try and get that fella out of the bedroom for a couple of minutes? How am I supposed to do that? You´ll think of something Whoa, whoa! And jiggle the receiver on the phone a couple of times when you´ve done it, all right? Look, uh - Could I have a few moments in here to get changed? - What? I have to get changed.
There won´t be any customers down there for half an hour.
Okey-dokey.
Mr.
Crabbe, I don´t see What the hell´s that? Pyke? What´s going on in there? Uh, nothing, chief.
Spellar´s here.
And here come the other two.
Nice to meet you.
Mr.
Tubbs, can I introduce you to Duncan Spellar? Nice to meet you.
How do you do? Sit, sit.
We´re off.
We´re getting nothing down here.
Are they at the right table? Yeah, definitely.
What the bloody hell´s going on, Enderby? There´s three mics on that table.
They can´t all have gone pear-shaped.
You must have the steak and kidney pie.
It´s the specialité de la maison.
Splendid.
And a bottle of decent claret to wash it down, hm? I´m starving.
Me, too.
WOMAN, OVER STATIC: What are you going to have? I´m not sure.
Thank God for that.
It´s all right, Dave.
Panic over, we´ve got ´em.
The soup sounds good.
"We have the technology.
" I´m glad to have the opportunity of this little chat, Spellar.
Mr.
Tubbs is a great believer in the informal approach.
Me, too.
Could we have another minute, please? You know why I´m so hungry, don´t you? It´s all those calories I burnt off this afternoon.
Oh, I know twice.
You´re just so incredible, darling.
It just gets better and better, doesn´t it, sweetheart? Give me a kiss.
You randy old thing.
Dave, what are they doing? We´re getting snogging down here.
What do you mean, snogging? They´re just talking.
All very polite.
Oh, no, wait a minute, there´s this couple on the table next-door.
I told you to stay out of here.
There´s been a cock-up.
We´ve got to get a mic on that table.
Who´s that? Just go make sure that order ends up on the right table.
Uh I´ll explain later.
I think I detect a slight wobble in your table, sir.
Are you sure this is the ´85? - Show me the label.
- My apologies.
Will you be wanting English mustard or whole grain I said, you brought me the ´87, when I ordered the ´85! What on earth do you think you´re doing? It´s this table again, I´m afraid.
What? There we are.
Bon appetit, madame, monsieur.
Look here, I want to know what´s going on.
Keep your hair on.
Mr.
Crabbe, hiring new staff just like that? Calm down, John, I´m not hiring any new staff.
That´s enough of that! It´s all right, Steve.
Let him go.
John, Linda, go back to work.
Everything is under control.
So, you´re really set on this British Rail franchise? Of course I´ve made no secret of it.
You´re on the committee, you´ve read my application.
Yes, I think what Mr.
Tubbs wants to know here is precisely how keen you are.
All right.
I´d do anything to win that franchise.
That´s how keen I am.
TUBBS, LAUGHING: Anything within law, of course.
Let´s just say anything.
Now we´re cooking.
Yes, I think what Mr.
Tubbs is saying here is that there´s an element missing from your application.
A, um personal element.
Let´s not beat around the bush.
Oi! I´ve got a delivery to make! What now, for God´s sake! You´re talking about some way in which I could encourage you to use your influence on the committee, hmm? You might suggest that, Mr.
Tubbs never would.
All right, I wish to suggest Come on, I know you´re inside there! Look, just sod off, will ya? Not until you move your poxy van! Get him out of here! Spellar´s going for it! What´s going on in there, anyway? Let´s say I was to suggest an arrangement whereby an arrangement whereby a certain sum of money - Yes? - Yes? Are you all right? Yes.
Put the rest of this meal into a bag for Oscar, would you, dear? Hello, Henry.
You were going to the gents´? I wasn´t, actually.
Up the stairs, through the door marked "private," second door on the right don´t forget.
I ordered the ´85, you know.
Yes, well, John tells me you ordered the ´87, and frankly, I´d rather believe him.
So This meal is on the house, but not this bottle, which, incidentally, is much nicer than the ´85, and I shall share this with my staff in the kitchen.
And I´d rather you never came here again.
But not you, Mrs.
Barnett, you´re always welcome.
Thank you, Mr.
Crabbe.
How sweet.
Have you decided yet, madame? No.
I think we´ll need another day or two.
I´ll fetch another napkin, sir.
Where´s Spellar, Pyke? I repeat do you know where Spellar is? I don´t know, there was some sort of ruckus.
It looked like this old biddy had popped her clogs.
I repeat do you know where Spellar is?! Uh, yeah, I do, actually.
Find it all right? Yes, I did.
Thanks.
Is this geezer one of yours, Crabbe? Oh, Anderson.
And about time, too.
Where are my pumpkins? Of course, I realized very soon what Tubbs was up to.
Can you hear me, Crabbe? Using his influence as an MP to pursue a political vendetta against Duncan Spellar.
He knew very well the publicity alone would be enough to discourage Spellar.
An innocent man, after all.
I dare say there would have been some, uh, difficult questions for you to answer, Crabbe.
Difficult questions for me to answer, sir? With you working with Fields and his team.
It was on your premises that Spellar was first introduced to Tubbs.
As it happens Spellar´s a reasonable man.
I´ve established a relationship there, I think.
Anyway, I persuaded him not to lodge a complaint where you´re concerned.
Isn´t there a still-life by Braque with an egg that color in it, sir? Did you hear what I was saying, Crabbe? Uh, yes, sir.
And I´m most grateful.
Thank heavens, you realized what was going on.
Who was it said that to do the right thing while appearing to do the wrong thing was the sign of true leadership? Well, if you´ll excuse me, I´ve got to try a new pasta, sir.
So, what did Fisher say? Oh, he was singing your praises.
He said, "Duncan Spellar is an innocent man, after all.
" There we go.
Look at that.
Pumpkin ravioli.
Brilliant.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you an innocent man.
- Hear, hear! - Cheers!