Play It Again, Dick (2014) s01e03 Episode Script
Episode 3
1 [ .]
[INAUDIBLE.]
- [GUNSHOT.]
- ANNOUNCER: Previously on - I'm doing this this pretty big pilot.
- What do you mean "doing?" Writing, directing, producing, starring in - Dude, $50,000? - Yeah, it's a micro-budget pilot.
You think you can get some of your old cohorts - from Veronica Mars? - Of course.
All right.
We're gonna knock this out of the park.
Boom.
Boom.
Ow! Getting the band back together, baby.
Yes.
Two down, a few more to go.
Okay, this may surprise you, but I don't actually know Enrico Colantoni all that well.
Weird, because we did three seasons and a movie together.
Right? If you think about it, Dicky C and Papa Mars never really had a reason to appear on the show together.
I mean, there's this one time Dick goes to the Mars apartment and hires Veronica.
I got to work with Rico.
That's what his friends call him.
If he wasn't acting, you could hardly get this guy to say a word.
A real lone wolf type.
Always out front of his trailer, pumping iron with Muhney.
You should see Rico shirtless.
He is absolutely shredded.
Shredded.
I know, right? So in the scene, I'll never forget this, he leans over, he gets really close to me, and he gets really serious, he goes He whispers, I'll never forget it RYAN'S VOICE: You're in my light, kid.
What? I mean, I wanted to ask him so bad what he meant, but I'm like, I don't I don't know.
I think he wanted me to figure it out for myself.
I really think he could feel me breaking out, about to take that same rocket ship to fame that he was on during the Just Shoot Me years.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I mean, you'd have to ask him.
When we shot the pilot, the rest of us would hang out in our hotel rooms, run lines together, all that, you know.
Not Rico.
He's off to Tijuana, you know? Sometimes for cockfighting, sometimes for bullfighting.
It would always be after midnight.
Who's fighting bulls in the middle of the night? Doesn't make any sense, but, I don't know, that's Rico.
You'd see him dragging himself back through the lobby the next morning, just covered in blood.
Drenched, really.
I mean, it was insane.
[WHISPERS.]
You're in my light.
[LAUGHS.]
I don't know.
- Ryan.
- Hey, buddy! - High five, ha, ha.
What's up, man? - Hey, I just love everything about this idea.
I'd love to do the show.
Thank you for thinking of me, man.
What? Really? That is that's amazing.
You know, because, you know, we're only doing it for like 50 for 50 grand, the whole thing, so no one's really getting paid No, I get it, I get it.
No frills, that student film spirit.
It's like I tell my agents: a blockbuster to pay the bills, and then something small and honest that that makes me stretch, - that reminds me why I want to be an actor! - Yes, dude, that's so awesome.
Yeah.
So we're setting the schedule coming up pretty soon One thing though, Ryan, I just need a little favor, maybe you could have one of the PAs do it.
Oh, we don't we don't have any PAs - on the - You have a pencil? Maybe you should jot this down.
Uh yes.
Let me, um All right, there's a guy in Compton, he works at Tip Top Liquors, goes by the name of Sawed-Off Monty.
He's got something of mine.
A package.
- I need you to pick it up.
- Sawed-Off Monty? Yeah, yeah, he's a little fella.
- Little - Now listen carefully, okay? Whatever you do, when you go to pick this up, do not wear a stitch of red.
- A stitch of red.
- No red.
- No red.
Write that down.
- Got it.
Now, you might get a little pushback from Monty, and if he seems at all disagreeable, just tell him, "EC knows where you live.
" And then add, "How's Monty, Jr.
and little Harmony, are they in good health?" And that should do the trick, okay? Now, once you have the package, I need you to take it to Tom Hanks.
Uh, the Tom Hanks? No, Tom Hanks the bus driver.
I don't - Of course, the Tom Hanks, Ryan, come on.
- Okay, Tom Hanks.
Now, when you've got the package, this is very important, okay, you obey the speed limit, you use your turn signals, and you make sure your taillights are fully operational, okay? Now, if a cop does try to pull you over, I need you to make a run for it.
Okay you know, maybe I'm not the guy to do this No, man, that's your vagina talking, Blondie.
Okay? LAPD has a "no chase" policy in effect right now.
Read a fucking newspaper.
Okay, so is Tom Hanks expecting the package? Come on, man.
- What? - That would kind of defeat the purpose, now wouldn't it? - Yeah.
- And his security detail are all former Army Rangers.
They're trigger-happy as fuck, man.
I guess your best bet is to say something like you're Rita's tennis coach.
Yeah.
Dress like Rafael Nadal, that should get you past the front gate.
- Nadal - Now, I want you to place the package under Tom's bed.
Um, but no red, right? What? Uh, no Well, Nadal wears a lot of red.
- You said don't wear red, so - I said blue.
I said blue.
Don't wear a stitch of blue.
- Blue - Unless you want to get stuffed in some dumpster somewhere along Rosecrans Avenue.
I mean, do what the fuck you want, but - Okay.
- Just trying to help you out.
Yeah, you know, maybe we will find money for a PA to Did you get that last part? The package goes - Under - Where does it go? Under Tom's bed.
Does this have anything to do with you not getting the role on Bosom Buddies, by any chance? - Aw, suck by balls, Ryan, all right? - No I was in grade 11 when they cast that show.
- I was - Ok? Tom knows what it's about.
Okay.
Sounds easy enough.
Um - I think we can handle that.
- Thanks.
An any chance you're, uh, any chance you're free - first week of August? - Buddy, I am wide open.
I am at your disposal.
I am ready to make art.
Yes! Thank you, Rico.
You are the man.
Enrico.
Ah, Enrico.
Right.
Well, all your friends call you I'll give you a day.
Now, you do realize that I'm currently not allowed in the States? It's a little squabble I have with your government about, you know, what constitutes as taxable income, but I'm here in Toronto, man, ready to work.
Eager.
Right, Herr Direktor? Okay.
You know what? We will figure it out, Ric Uh, Enrico.
- All right.
- Okay, man.
[ .]
Most favored nations.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
You know what I think about that shit? Mm-mm.
Fuck most favored nations.
All that means is a brother ain't getting paid.
You want me to be in this little TV show of yours? You my man? Well, I I don't really know what you're handing me.
That's a receipt for a full tank of gas.
It's a long motherfucking way from the LBC all the way up to the 323.
But I guess you wouldn't know that.
Charge that shit to production.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- Excuse me, where's your toilet? I thought I told you to wait your ass in the car, woman.
- I gotta pee.
- We're double parked! Uh, y it's it's down the hall.
Over here.
Man, why did you tell her that? You just invited a vampire into your house.
I got three hours next Tuesday, that's all I got.
- Man, come on, three hours - Three hours is what favored nations buys you.
What, you think I ain't got shit to do? - I don't actually know your schedule - One more thing.
Don't even think about putting me on the call sheet if you gonna have Wallace Fennel doing any of that pussy shit.
No model airplane flying.
No getting duct taped to flagpoles.
No magical Negro bullshit.
You got it? - Say it.
- Oh, um None of that magical Negro bullshit.
Yeah.
WOMAN: You're out of TP.
[SCOFFS.]
She's your problem now.
What do you mean? Whoa, what do you Um, have you got something that I can eat? [ .]
Poor girl.
Turns out she needed a place to stay while she waited for a couple checks to clear What can I say? I've got a soft spot a mile wide.
[ .]
[INAUDIBLE.]
- [GUNSHOT.]
- ANNOUNCER: Previously on - I'm doing this this pretty big pilot.
- What do you mean "doing?" Writing, directing, producing, starring in - Dude, $50,000? - Yeah, it's a micro-budget pilot.
You think you can get some of your old cohorts - from Veronica Mars? - Of course.
All right.
We're gonna knock this out of the park.
Boom.
Boom.
Ow! Getting the band back together, baby.
Yes.
Two down, a few more to go.
Okay, this may surprise you, but I don't actually know Enrico Colantoni all that well.
Weird, because we did three seasons and a movie together.
Right? If you think about it, Dicky C and Papa Mars never really had a reason to appear on the show together.
I mean, there's this one time Dick goes to the Mars apartment and hires Veronica.
I got to work with Rico.
That's what his friends call him.
If he wasn't acting, you could hardly get this guy to say a word.
A real lone wolf type.
Always out front of his trailer, pumping iron with Muhney.
You should see Rico shirtless.
He is absolutely shredded.
Shredded.
I know, right? So in the scene, I'll never forget this, he leans over, he gets really close to me, and he gets really serious, he goes He whispers, I'll never forget it RYAN'S VOICE: You're in my light, kid.
What? I mean, I wanted to ask him so bad what he meant, but I'm like, I don't I don't know.
I think he wanted me to figure it out for myself.
I really think he could feel me breaking out, about to take that same rocket ship to fame that he was on during the Just Shoot Me years.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I mean, you'd have to ask him.
When we shot the pilot, the rest of us would hang out in our hotel rooms, run lines together, all that, you know.
Not Rico.
He's off to Tijuana, you know? Sometimes for cockfighting, sometimes for bullfighting.
It would always be after midnight.
Who's fighting bulls in the middle of the night? Doesn't make any sense, but, I don't know, that's Rico.
You'd see him dragging himself back through the lobby the next morning, just covered in blood.
Drenched, really.
I mean, it was insane.
[WHISPERS.]
You're in my light.
[LAUGHS.]
I don't know.
- Ryan.
- Hey, buddy! - High five, ha, ha.
What's up, man? - Hey, I just love everything about this idea.
I'd love to do the show.
Thank you for thinking of me, man.
What? Really? That is that's amazing.
You know, because, you know, we're only doing it for like 50 for 50 grand, the whole thing, so no one's really getting paid No, I get it, I get it.
No frills, that student film spirit.
It's like I tell my agents: a blockbuster to pay the bills, and then something small and honest that that makes me stretch, - that reminds me why I want to be an actor! - Yes, dude, that's so awesome.
Yeah.
So we're setting the schedule coming up pretty soon One thing though, Ryan, I just need a little favor, maybe you could have one of the PAs do it.
Oh, we don't we don't have any PAs - on the - You have a pencil? Maybe you should jot this down.
Uh yes.
Let me, um All right, there's a guy in Compton, he works at Tip Top Liquors, goes by the name of Sawed-Off Monty.
He's got something of mine.
A package.
- I need you to pick it up.
- Sawed-Off Monty? Yeah, yeah, he's a little fella.
- Little - Now listen carefully, okay? Whatever you do, when you go to pick this up, do not wear a stitch of red.
- A stitch of red.
- No red.
- No red.
Write that down.
- Got it.
Now, you might get a little pushback from Monty, and if he seems at all disagreeable, just tell him, "EC knows where you live.
" And then add, "How's Monty, Jr.
and little Harmony, are they in good health?" And that should do the trick, okay? Now, once you have the package, I need you to take it to Tom Hanks.
Uh, the Tom Hanks? No, Tom Hanks the bus driver.
I don't - Of course, the Tom Hanks, Ryan, come on.
- Okay, Tom Hanks.
Now, when you've got the package, this is very important, okay, you obey the speed limit, you use your turn signals, and you make sure your taillights are fully operational, okay? Now, if a cop does try to pull you over, I need you to make a run for it.
Okay you know, maybe I'm not the guy to do this No, man, that's your vagina talking, Blondie.
Okay? LAPD has a "no chase" policy in effect right now.
Read a fucking newspaper.
Okay, so is Tom Hanks expecting the package? Come on, man.
- What? - That would kind of defeat the purpose, now wouldn't it? - Yeah.
- And his security detail are all former Army Rangers.
They're trigger-happy as fuck, man.
I guess your best bet is to say something like you're Rita's tennis coach.
Yeah.
Dress like Rafael Nadal, that should get you past the front gate.
- Nadal - Now, I want you to place the package under Tom's bed.
Um, but no red, right? What? Uh, no Well, Nadal wears a lot of red.
- You said don't wear red, so - I said blue.
I said blue.
Don't wear a stitch of blue.
- Blue - Unless you want to get stuffed in some dumpster somewhere along Rosecrans Avenue.
I mean, do what the fuck you want, but - Okay.
- Just trying to help you out.
Yeah, you know, maybe we will find money for a PA to Did you get that last part? The package goes - Under - Where does it go? Under Tom's bed.
Does this have anything to do with you not getting the role on Bosom Buddies, by any chance? - Aw, suck by balls, Ryan, all right? - No I was in grade 11 when they cast that show.
- I was - Ok? Tom knows what it's about.
Okay.
Sounds easy enough.
Um - I think we can handle that.
- Thanks.
An any chance you're, uh, any chance you're free - first week of August? - Buddy, I am wide open.
I am at your disposal.
I am ready to make art.
Yes! Thank you, Rico.
You are the man.
Enrico.
Ah, Enrico.
Right.
Well, all your friends call you I'll give you a day.
Now, you do realize that I'm currently not allowed in the States? It's a little squabble I have with your government about, you know, what constitutes as taxable income, but I'm here in Toronto, man, ready to work.
Eager.
Right, Herr Direktor? Okay.
You know what? We will figure it out, Ric Uh, Enrico.
- All right.
- Okay, man.
[ .]
Most favored nations.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
You know what I think about that shit? Mm-mm.
Fuck most favored nations.
All that means is a brother ain't getting paid.
You want me to be in this little TV show of yours? You my man? Well, I I don't really know what you're handing me.
That's a receipt for a full tank of gas.
It's a long motherfucking way from the LBC all the way up to the 323.
But I guess you wouldn't know that.
Charge that shit to production.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- Excuse me, where's your toilet? I thought I told you to wait your ass in the car, woman.
- I gotta pee.
- We're double parked! Uh, y it's it's down the hall.
Over here.
Man, why did you tell her that? You just invited a vampire into your house.
I got three hours next Tuesday, that's all I got.
- Man, come on, three hours - Three hours is what favored nations buys you.
What, you think I ain't got shit to do? - I don't actually know your schedule - One more thing.
Don't even think about putting me on the call sheet if you gonna have Wallace Fennel doing any of that pussy shit.
No model airplane flying.
No getting duct taped to flagpoles.
No magical Negro bullshit.
You got it? - Say it.
- Oh, um None of that magical Negro bullshit.
Yeah.
WOMAN: You're out of TP.
[SCOFFS.]
She's your problem now.
What do you mean? Whoa, what do you Um, have you got something that I can eat? [ .]
Poor girl.
Turns out she needed a place to stay while she waited for a couple checks to clear What can I say? I've got a soft spot a mile wide.
[ .]