Players (2010) s01e03 Episode Script

Jesus Christ, what are you doing? - Somebody is in here.
- Bruce, it's okay.
No, it's not okay.
Somebody could be ripping you off.
Hey, Barb, you gonna make some coffee? - Who is that? - In a second! Who is that, Barb? - His name is Todd.
- Who is Todd? He's my husband.
presents ~ Players S01E03 ~ Barb's Husband ~ Sync ~ extreme ~ Transcript ~ We're separated.
We're still married, but we're separated.
If you're separated, why is he in your apartment at 6:30 in the morning? He lives here.
I know, that sounds terrible.
- That's not a separation, Barb.
- I know it doesn't sound like it is, but he doesn't live He doesn't stay here.
He stays in the computer room next door.
We have totally separate lives.
He's looking for another place as we speak.
I couldn't just throw him out on the streets.
I'm so sorry, Bruce.
I was trying I meant to tell you, it just Okay, I get it.
We're good.
You're roommates.
Well Yeah, technically, we are.
But, I mean, I Imagine this must be very difficult - No.
- for you to hear.
I mean, he's cool with it, you're cool with it.
So of course I'm cool with it.
What do you think the reservations book is for? I think it's for reservations.
So you can imagine my surprise when I found page after page of hangman and tic-tac-toe in here.
Well, it's not like anybody actually ever makes a reservation.
Of course they don't, because think think that the book is filled up with your doodles.
- I'm sure that's it.
- What are you doing? I'm writing what you told me in my journal.
Why would you keep a journal in the reservation book? I don't keep it in the reservation book.
I'm not an idiot.
Don't ever touch the reservation book again.
Understand? Don't go looking for my secrets.
Don't you squint your eyes at me in anger ever! It was nice talking to you, Bruce, on our way in from the parking lot.
Wow, that's strange.
You guys both have the same travel mug.
You must also go to that coffee silo on route 17.
Yes, I went there this morning, even though it's five miles out of my way.
Yes, but you really love their coffee, so that would make sense.
I think that's self-evident, Barb.
'Cause I have it in my hand.
Okay.
So let's start the meeting.
Actually, the meeting is just finishing.
So if no one has any other business, - I move to adjourn.
- I actually have a question.
- Yes? - I'm curious.
If I were to start working at a restaurant I used to work at, how would that make you feel? Are you working at a restaurant that you used to work at? My response to that would be, why would it matter if you've moved on, have a healthy relationship with your current restaurant, then old restaurants don't matter.
It matters because there's an employer-employee bond, which is sacred.
Now, if there's something wrong with this restaurant that's not satisfying you, I think you should discuss that with me - You seem really upset, Ken.
- I think this restaurant is satisfying - Very angry.
- Yes! - I think this restaurant satisfies her.
- Yes! I'm sorry that we don't have a lot of fancy brass and fake knickknacks.
This is the real deal, young lady.
And a lot of women would be very happy to be in this restaurant.
So the next time you feel a need to take your little order pad and drag it through town like nasty whore, how 'bout giving me a heads-up! Bruce, that travel mug you have that looks nothing like Barb's is leaking all over you.
Thank you.
Order up.
- Krista.
- Yeah? - I need you to do me a huge favor.
- Sure.
I need you to tell Bruce that it's insane to be in a relationship with me.
Why would I do that? You guys are so cute and pathetic together.
Thank you.
I told him this morning that I'm still married and still living with my husband, and he had no reaction.
- That's what makes Bruce awesome.
- I mean, it's insane to be in a relationship with someone who's married.
If I had stayed away from married men, I would have missed out on one of the most passionate relationships in my entire life.
Larry What are you doin' here? That's so weird.
Larry, who is this? Larry Hot dog? That was a great weekend.
Don't judge me, Jorge.
I know you have two wives.
I don't know.
I still feel like if he really cared about me, this would upset him.
- Do you really want to make Bruce jealous? - Yes.
Are you prepared to break him in a way you've never broken another man in your entire life? - Absolutely.
- Let's talk.
Hey.
Hey, sweetie.
Listen, sorry I was so grumpers this morning.
That's okay.
Where were you for lunch? I promised Todd I'd take his wrestling trophies to get cleaned.
- That sounds tedious.
- Yeah, my arm is killing me.
They're so heavy.
There's so many of them.
There's like a million trophies.
State champ.
State champ.
State champ.
It's so annoying.
He's, like, good at everything.
Oh, man.
That's why my bag was so heavy.
My wedding album was in here.
What? So crazy.
Don't know how that got in there.
Man, this was one of the happiest days of my life.
Bruce, I did not want you to see these erotic pictures of me and Todd.
These are not for your eyes.
I am so embarrassed right now.
Sorry.
- That is so uncomfortable.
- Barb, this makes me furious.
- It does? - Yeah.
How the hell do you get on Google? Do you know how? No, I don't know.
Look, if you don't want to clean Todd's trophies, get Jorge to do it.
Hey, Cal, take this donut of mine, would you? What's wrong with it? I'm looking at gunshot wound website here, and it's making me sick.
- Hey.
- Hey, Bruce! - Can I talk to you? - Yeah, what do you got? You know that me and Barb have been seeing each other, right? You'd have to be a moron not to know that.
You and Barb are seeing each other? - Yeah.
- This is awesome! Bruce, it may come as a surprise to you, but I've always thought of you as kind of a father.
Like, Barb's like, kind of like my mom a little bit, so It's like my mom and my dad are hooking up for the first time.
This is awesome! Can you watch the bar really quick? - I have to go journal about this.
- Okay.
Anyway, she just told me that she's not divorced.
She's separated.
Which I was fine with, but then I started picking up this subtle vibe from her that I should be more upset that she's only separated.
Am I crazy? Well, why would you be upset? You're getting the milk for free, and you can't possibly buy that cow.
Yeah, exactly.
And who cares if you're sleeping with a married woman.
As long as she's fine with it.
Even if she's living with the guy.
What? Even if she's living with the guy.
- Come here, with me, now.
- Where? - Lock that door behind you.
Got it locked? - Yeah.
Jesus Christ.
Here it is.
It's a Kendrick 500.
Manually operated pump action smooth bore.
It's got an optional pistol grip.
Saw it off for concealability.
Jesus Christ, don't point that, Hickey! Don't worry about it, kid.
I never put this thing away when it's loaded.
What do you have that for? Hey, I gotta be ready when the shit comes down, huh? - Here.
- Why you giving this to me? Bruce, you're sleeping with a married woman, no problem.
You sleep with a married woman who's separated whose husband's on the other side of the wall, it's like a time bomb.
Okay.
Thank you, Hickey.
I think everything's fine.
Like my grandmother used to say: Better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it.
- Your grandma had a shotgun? - No, she was talking about her sun hat.
- But it's the same principal, kid.
- No.
No, no.
I appreciate it, - but now I know where it is, okay? - No skin off my dick, but I'll tell you what: Jump up there and put it away.
My knees are killing me.
Excuse me, is Barb around? Yeah, I think she's pooping.
She'll be out in a second.
Oh, my God! My husband Todd.
Can't believe he's here.
This is so awkward.
You called me about your car.
I did.
I called him.
Because my car was smoking.
- I needed a ride home - Really? It wasn't smoking this morning when I followed you to work.
- It may have been yesterday morning.
- No, 'cause we drove together yesterday.
- Barb, is the car smoking? - Can you shut up? I am so sorry.
This is so awkward right now.
I'm so uncomfortable.
- God.
- By the way, my name's Bruce.
- Hey, I'm Todd, man.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- I've heard a lot about you.
Awkward, awkward stuff.
You just shook hands with this man who I was intimate with for so many years.
- Don't sweat it.
It's done.
- Here, sit down.
You want a beer? - I would love one, yeah.
- Barb, can we get a couple beers? - So what do you do, Todd? - Well, I'm in sales.
Interesting.
I do mostly carpet sales, stuff like that.
Indoor-outdoor.
- What is this? - Bruce, you don't know - about armpit or vagina? - No.
Okay, these are close-up pictures.
What do you think: Armpit or vagina? - This is insane, man.
- Yeah, it's the best.
Armpit.
- Vagina.
- What? - You got fooled by the deodorant.
- Well, how is that a vagina? - It's a vagina.
- That is not a vagina, Todd.
- Yes, it is.
- That is not a vagina.
This is getting too awkward to watch.
You guys trying to make some sort of a connection.
- We should probably get going, Todd.
- What's the rush, Barb? It's awkward.
Maybe it'd be less awkward if you said "awkward" a few more times.
Yeah, do that, Barb.
Bruce, I want to pull up the schedule here.
And you tell me how to go with these suns games, 'cause I don't know the team that well.
All right, they're on the road starting Thursday.
Hold on.
- Hickey.
- Yep? Come here for a minute.
Your Internet went down.
- I'm good right here, Bruce.
- Please give me a hand? Jiggle it.
Get up.
- Stand up right now.
- Why? Rough place.
4, 3, 2, 1! No! I am not good at pop-a-shot.
- Pay up, sucker.
- Man.
- I'll tell you what I am good at.
- What? Nut shots.
- Hey, come on.
- Are you gay? Good.
Good stuff.
Todd, I'd like to go home, so Okay, well, I'm into this guy for 100 bucks.
So I'm not leaving.
I would really like to go home now.
Okay, Barb.
Allow me to give you some cab money.
- That was a good impression.
- I know, it sounded just like her.
Good night, mom.
- She doesn't like being called mom.
- Too far? Too far.
We should do some more shots.
It didn't work.
Todd said this morning that Bruce is his new best friend.
I don't know, there's just nothing that will make him jealous.
Would you be willing to have Bruce walk in on you having sex with another guy? - Oh, God, kristen, no! - Okay! Then try this on.
- Why? It's a shirt.
- No, it's a dress.
Cooter cut.
Is there anything else that I can get you? No, I think I'm good, if I could just get the check.
That would be great.
Are you sure there's not anything else? Nah, I better not.
I think I've had enough.
But thanks.
I just thought that there might be something else - that I could offer you.
- Nope.
Bruce, check out Barb.
What's up with that? Just the check, this is fine.
Come on.
- Please don't touch me there.
That's crazy.
- Barb, what the hell are you doing? What? Oh, Bruce.
I'm sorry.
We were just talking.
It's not a big deal.
I don't care about that.
You are supposed to be in the bathroom cleaning it right now.
Okay? Yeah, I didn't know it was my turn to clean the bathroom.
It's your turn.
We don't have a separate employee to clean up the bathroom.
- I need to talk to you for a second.
- My God, Barb, why are you dressed like that? - It's a long story.
- You're wearing a shirt as a dress.
Ken, I don't know if you know this, but I'm having an affair with Bruce, and I need Are you out of your mind? What do you think you're doing? I don't know.
I mean, we have a good time together.
- No.
- We have a lot in common.
Not the affair.
Everyone knows about that.
I mean, why are you telling me? I have worked very hard to make sure nobody has ever spoken about that in front of me.
I had plausible deniability.
Now I've left myself open for a sexual harassment suit.
- Thank you very much.
- This isn't about you, Ken.
I'm an adult, and I can make my own decisions.
- Not good ones.
- What I wanted to know is I told Bruce that I'm still married and I still live with my husband, - and he had no reaction to it.
- Course he didn't, Barb.
As his brother, I'm gonna tell you that my brother is a sociopath.
He isn't capable of human emotion.
He can't feel empathy.
He hurts everything he loves.
I should know.
He loves me, and all of my worst memories are associated with him.
You need to get out of this, now.
That's the way to be safe.
And we can also avoid a sexual harassment suit that way.
That's what this is about right now? - A little bit.
Mostly - I can't believe you, Ken! I bring my heart to you.
I'm bringing an open heart that's been wounded to you.
- I know, and I care about it - And that's what you're talking about? - Only part of it.
- A lawsuit? - Who cares, right? I don't care.
- You do care.
A little bit, I do.
- Ken, I would never sue the bar.
- Really? Would you be willing to put that in writing and then we'll get it signed by a notary public and then no one has to worry and then we can just relate and I can Oh, my God! This is why they call you the tin man.
- Who calls me the tin man? - Everyone! And I never got it until now.
It's 'cause you don't have a heart.
Maybe it's because I'm resilient to criticism.
- It's 'cause you don't have a heart, Ken.
- You know what? I deserve it.
Sometimes I don't think how much I should care about people.
I do - Okay.
I care.
- You don't care.
I want to comfort you physically, but we need to open that door for legal reasons, if that's okay.
Bruce, can I talk to you for a second? Yeah.
I have been thinking about things.
And I've come to the conclusion that we should probably break up.
Is this about me not having a big reaction to you still living with Todd? Are you having a big reaction right now? - No.
- What are you guys talking about? Actually, Barb's talking about breaking up with me.
Guys, you can't break up.
You're like my mom and dad that I never had.
- You have a mom and dad, Calvin.
- No, I don't.
My dad is a flight attendant, and my mom drives a forklift! I gotta journal about this.
So now that we're broken up, if there's anything that you'd like to share with me, I'm open to hearing it.
Barb, honestly, I don't have a problem with it.
I'm sorry.
Asshole! Calvin! Calm down.
You're not my real dad! What, Ken? You need to convince Barb you're jealous to win her back.
- Why? - Because she's very emotional.
And women like that file sexual harassment suits.
Why do you think Barb's gonna file a suit against us? Because I suggested that she sign a document saying she wouldn't file a suit, and she refused.
This whole thing is me making Barb believe I'm jealous of her husband just to protect our ass from a lawsuit.
- You don't give a shit about us.
- I give a little bit of a shit about you.
You care about her.
I'm looking out for you.
In your own weird, dysfunctional, sort of half-not-there way, you care about her.
And if you want to keep her, you're gonna have to lie a little bit.
I can't lie about something I don't feel.
I can't fake emotion.
Nonsense.
You're the best at pretending to have emotions of anybody I've ever met.
When we were children, you would cry and make believe I hate you, just to get me punished.
When I got married, you gave the most beautiful, heartfelt toast I've ever heard.
- I cried.
- Thank you.
Yeah, and then five minutes later, in the bathroom, you told me I need to get away from that horrible bitch before she crippled me emotionally.
I was right.
When we care about someone, we tell them lies.
It's part of being in a relationship.
I can't believe I'm taking advice from an emotionally retarded man.
But I get it.
I'll make her a nice card, and I'll write a poem and say I'm jealous of her husband.
Jealousy is immediate and visceral.
This needs to be face to face.
Immediate and visceral.
Hello, Players, a great place to touch down.
We absolutely take reservations.
Just one moment, Mr.
Martell, and that's - That's for four? Okay.
- Good night, kid.
- See ya.
- I've got you.
- Night, Ken.
- Hickey, hold on.
What do you got? - I need you to stick around.
- What? Bruce is gonna pretend to be jealous of Barb, so they get back together.
I think it would be nice if there was a little audience.
Who's bright idea was that? Me.
- Yours? - Hook up with some cops.
- You're a single lady now.
- Barb Tolen, hold it right there.
I need to talk to you.
Who the hell do you think you are, treating me like some kind of house boy all the time.
Just have sex with me and then run home to your husband? Todd.
And what's so great about Todd anyways, huh? Does Todd own a sports bar? No, he doesn't.
Does Todd know the words to every verse of the super bowl shuffle? I don't think so! Does Todd wait until you're satisfied before he finishes at least one out of three times when you have sex? I don't believe that! You need to make up your mind, buddy! You should have never lied to me! You don't lie to me, Barb.
You need to make up your mind right now.
Who do you want, me or Todd? Or do you think you can have both? You can't make up your mind, can you? I'm gonna make it up for you.
How's that sound? Bruce, what are you doing? What the hell? It's a gun! This is what I'm doin'! Yeah, I'm gonna blow your fucking head off.
'Cause if I can't have you, nobody gets you.
Second thought, I'm gonna kill Todd.
That way, I can have you all to myself.
I'm gonna kill Todd.
- You told me this was unloaded! - I forgot.
What are you doing?! My journal! My journal! Journal? Wait a minute! Just give me the knife.
Give me the knife.
Give me the knife! God, I can't believe I thought for a second that you didn't care about me.
I mean, what you did out there, that was so beautiful, Bruce.
It was like I don't know.
It was like something out of Shakespeare.
It was amazing.
I don't know, I was blind with rage.
I mean, Todd had you for years, and I didn't like that.
I know.
You know, Bruce, I'm obsessed with you too.
I can't tell you the number of times I've thought about getting a shotgun and shooting you in the face.