Playing House (2014) s01e03 Episode Script

Ugh, I don't want to watch this.
Do I have to watch this? Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Why? Why? 'Cause Silence of the Lambs is my favorite, and it hurts me that you haven't seen all of it, okay? Why, Maggie, why do you take pleasure in my pain? Because this is what life is all about, sweetheart Facing your fears, growing up.
Watching a man chew another man's face off Is that what happens? When does that happen? Just well, wait for it.
I don't wanna spoil it for you, okay? There's somebody in this house.
Oh, that's just Bruce.
He's grabbing his sticks.
He's just grabbing his sticks? He plays hockey on Wednesday nights with Scooter and the boys, and he doesn't have anywhere at Scooter's to keep it, so I said he could leave it here.
Maggie, he cheated on you.
He should not be storing his sports equipment in here.
You need to set some boundaries.
- Okay, fine.
- I'll tell you that.
Will you relax for a hot second? Because he's coming tomorrow morning to get all his stuff out, okay? - Okay.
- Thank you.
Now can we just finish watching Buffalo Bill's journey? Will you help me? - I hurt my arm - Don't you dare! Don't do that voice.
Stop it! What? He needs help with his fan.
And his sofa.
His arm is hurt.
Need help with your sofa? - Aah! Aah! - Aah! Why are we screaming? - Bruce! - Bruce! - Bad Bruce! - No, sir! - Not okay! - No! I think this is the last of it.
Yes.
How did a grown man accumulate so much crap? His ex-wife gave him most of it.
- Oh - That's me.
Well, all that's left to do is to call him Mm-hmm.
And tell him to get his stuff outta here.
You can do it! All right, you got it.
Hey, Bruce, it's Maggie - No, no, no - Um Hey.
How are you? - Mm-hmm.
- And, uh, what's going on? - Yep.
- And also Come and get your stuff.
Come and get your stuff.
I don't know what you're doing today And we don't care.
So I guess if you could swing by at your earliest convenience, that would be amazing.
And if you don't, I'm gonna put chardonnay in your beer hat, so - She's gonna contaminate - Suck on that! Your beer hat.
Um, anyway, um God, whenever you can, just come and get your stuff so that we can just, you know, be done with it.
That would be great.
And, um, that's it.
And we'll take care, and I hope you're well and thank you, and that's, um amazing.
Okay? What? Bye.
Oh! Why ugh! - Why am I so bad at it? - No, listen, I know it is not usual for you to lay down the law with Bruce, but this is good.
And after this, all the unpleasantness is gonna be handled by lawyers.
Oh, I should probably get one of those, huh? - Maggie! - What? - Come on.
- Right now? Right now.
Blaaaah! "In court or gone fishin'"? Oh, great.
I love a lawyer who's not afraid to get cute.
Oh, they're not being cute.
They're actually fishing.
John ritchie just stocked his pond with largemouth bass.
- I hate this town.
- You know what? It's fine.
It'll give me a chance to tell Bruce that I'm filing, so Listen, Mags, I know this is hard - Yeah.
- But it is always best for us to face our fears head-on.
Just oh, my God, it's my mother hide me! Hide me, hide me! Shh! - You did not tell her - Shut up! You didn't tell her that you were home? I have issues with her, okay? And I'm very fragile right now.
Oh, my God.
It's been three weeks.
Wait.
What is she doing? Oh, I think she's hiding from you.
Mom? Mom! Mom! Ah.
Well, you caught me.
I-I caught you? No, I was hiding from you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I was the original hider.
- No, no, no.
I was hiding - No, no, I Behind that bird cage there - No.
We can - Okay, well Good day to you, daughter.
"Good day to you"? Mom! What are you do Hey, mom, stop! Why are you hey! Why are you avoiding me? When you stopped calling me all those years ago, I will admit, I was hurt.
And then I experienced a peace unlike any I'd ever known.
I've entered into a bit of ren-ay-sance.
- It's renaissance.
- I eat fro-yo.
I wear open-toed sandals.
I dance as if no one's watching.
Now, if you'll excuse me Okay.
So you've got nothing to say about the fact that I gave up my career and I'm helping Maggie raise a baby? - Oh! Mazels to both of you.
- Oh! I'm 36.
I'm still unmarried.
So this is dryin' up as we speak.
No comment? No, I'm good.
Right as rain.
I'm wearing a thong right now.
How does that feel? I don't know.
Ask your butt crack.
'K I will.
I can't believe your mom said "butt crack.
" I know.
When I was a little kid, we had to call the whole area our cookie.
Our mom made us call it our anus.
- Ugh! That's even worse! - Why? That's what it's called.
- Anus.
- Okay.
- Anus.
- Stop it! It's anus.
Listen, I don't know why you're so upset.
All you've ever wanted is to not have a relationship with your mom.
No.
I don't want a relationship with her, but I want her to want one with me.
You guys are too similar, and that's why you don't get along.
Rude! She is hyper-critical and judgey.
And you fired your assistant because he had tiny teeth.
Yeah! Tiny teeth are a deal breaker.
"Small hands refuse to wound the knowing scent hidden in each bloom.
" - What are you talking about? - That is so beautiful.
- Is that one of yours? - I wish.
It's Yusef Komunyakaa from his delicate and heart-wrenching poem Jasmine.
Mm.
Zach's leading a poetry group.
So you teach poetry now? Teach is an aggressive word.
What I do is I assemble a collective of local wordsmiths the theme of our reading this week is "unfinished business.
" You should come.
- I probably won't.
- Well, you should, because it's a safe and nurturing environment to work through your issues.
Your mom is my best student.
Wait! My mom is in this poetry class? She's been doing some very deep, emotional excavation.
Very, very cold are her words about you.
Okay, well, I'll tell you what.
Her name isn't on this flyer, so Oh, that's because she writes under a nom de plume Phylicia Rashad.
Phylicia Rashad? That's the mom from the Cosby Show.
Perhaps.
Or maybe The mom from the Cosby Show was named after your mother.
No, that's impossible.
- Or is it? - Yeah.
No, it is.
I went to high schoolwith a kid named Andy McDowell - I'm really not interested.
- And he was born on groundhog day, so anything is possible.
O kay! Thank you, Mr.
Nanjiani.
That wasn't technically a poem.
That was another ghost story.
But Characters welcome.
I wanna thank everyone for sharing.
There is such a plethora of unfinished business in the room tonight.
Kevin, your brave account of your battle with disfiguring poison oak Beautiful.
Mrs.
Johannsen, your description of your deceased husband's penis Terrifying.
Snaps for the creators.
Now I'd like to bring up our next poet, a scribe, a truth teller.
Next to her, William Butler Yeats seems like a bent-over simpleton.
Ladies and gentlemen, Phylicia Rashad! This is gonna be rich.
"The Chinese dumpling "Parenthesis "My bowl is empty.
"My broth is cold.
"Mornings spent crafting a dumpling, "working it with my hands "filling it with my tender meats.
"You are a tough dumpling.
"Tough To the touch.
" I'm not tough to the touch, am I? - No.
Uh-uh.
- "I drink the broth alone.
I drink the broth alone.
" Okay.
I drink the broth Alone!" Phylicia Rashad.
Sangar, your description of that rail road hobo Haunting.
Because it's true.
It's all true.
- Excuse me, Phylicia? - Just a moment.
Snaps.
For your honesty and for your bravery.
You made my day.
You know, if you had something to say to me, you could just talk to me.
You don't have to write a poem about it.
- That poem wasn't about you.
- Really? "The Chinese dumpling that left the bowl"? I'm the dumpling.
Okay.
It was about you.
But it wasn't about you.
Well, it was very hurtful.
I didn't know you were gonna be here.
I never intended for you to hear it! - This is my journey.
- Okay.
Well Just so you know, Phylicia Rashad is a real person.
- What? - She's the very attractive African-American mother on the Cosby Show.
Well, does she spell her name with an "f" or a "ph"? - "Ph.
" - Goddamn it! That's how I spell it! No, but I really nailed her with that Phylicia Rashad stuff.
You should have seen her face.
Yeah.
She didn't know she was doing that? No.
Apparently not.
But that's my mother for you, so aah! What is it? I don't want to live in a well! I don't want to live in a well! - Hey, hey, it's just - With my dog.
I don't wanna do it.
It's just Bruce's dummy, okay? Wait.
Why is all his stuff still here? You know what? This is classic.
You set boundaries, and he ignores them.
And you know what? Frankly, I'm sick of it.
Okay, this I'm starting to get really worried.
I know this is crazy, but he's never not called me back.
Oh, no, I wouldn't worry.
He and his cousin Tony Joes probably fell through the ice.
I would honestly call the cops if he hadn't been here to pick up his cheese-of-the-month club.
- Come again? - Well, when we came in, I saw his cheese-of-the-month club basket It's gone from the porch.
- He obviously came to get it.
- What-what's that involve? The cheese of the month? I got it for him for Christmas.
He loves it.
He never misses a delivery.
Would that, perhaps, include like four wheels of Spanish manchego and like a like a really little baby thing of chutney? Did you eat the cheeses? Um I need to hear you say it.
I don't want to.
I ate them.
Emma, that was 4 pounds of artisanal cheeses.
- Yeah.
- That's impossible.
Is it impossible? The French do it.
Okay, so if you ate his cheeses, then Bruce hasn't been here.
Emma, I think Bruce might be missing.
Okay.
Just to clarify, are we more worried that Bruce is missing or that I ate 4 pounds of cheese? 'Cause that seems like a cry for help - I'm gonna call somebody.
- Like on a real tip.
When's the last time you saw Bruce? Like 36 hours ago.
He came on Wednesday night to pick up his hockey sticks.
Come on, the dude's still got his hockey sticks here? That's what I said.
Hey.
Caution tape? Seriously? This is the scene of a crime.
We gotta dust for prints.
Dust for prints? It's Bruce's stuff.
- Who else would have touched it? - I don't know.
An unknown assailant or something.
Okay, you have watched Silence of the Lambs way too many times.
And FYI You two need more going on in your lives.
You're the one that's walking around this house in full pajamas at 11:30 A.
M.
I will have you know that I was up all night journaling about the complex feelings I'm having about my mother, and I came to some startling conclusions, which I would love to share with you two.
- No, that's okay.
- If you guys are game We can't Mags and I have to go talk to people.
- Yeah.
- All right, well, I wanna come, guys.
Do you guys want me to come maybe? - We do not.
- I'll put on pants.
I'll put on real pants that have zippers and a button.
Could you guys get me some Kraft Singles, though, while you're out? Ohh Hey, Maggie.
- Hey, Officer Mark.
- Hey.
What can I get for you two? Oh, not too much.
We just had to ask you a couple questions about Bruce Caruso's whereabouts.
Oh.
Well, I don't really got time for it.
The union guys are coming in, and they need their patty melts.
All right, she's not just gonna give it to us.
We gotta break her down so she'll give us the info.
No.
Actually don't need to do that.
Did you always wanna be a waitress, Candy? Oh, God no.
I wanted to be a lounge singer.
- Hmm.
- My mom said that I had - the pipes for it, but - Oh.
That's interesting.
Most parents don't support their children's choices to go into the performing arts.
Well, she really liked music country music.
She loved Dolly Parton.
Oh, did she like blondes with big boobs? - Okay, what are we - 'Cause that's the opposite of you.
What are we talking about? I got the boobs.
Yeah, but they're not real, are they, Candy? You don't have to answer that question, Candy.
What are you doing, just parading your boobs around - for everyone to see? - Maggie! Just trying to curry the favor that your mother never gave you, huh? - Maggie! - Is that what you're doing? All right! Fine! You wanna know what happened? I'll tell ya.
Bruce came in, and he was drinking coke float after coke float.
I ran out of ice cream, so I went in the back, and I let Tyler motorboat me in the walk-in closet.
- All right.
- Terrific.
Okay? By the time I came out, Bruce was gone.
He was with some weird guy with dreads.
That's his friend Scooter.
All right, let's go.
Oh, my God, I cannot believe that that just worked.
Candy.
They're having auditions this weekend for Hairspray at the JCC.
I think you should go out for it.
You think I got what it takes? I know you do, sweetheart.
Come on, let's go, Mag.
All right.
Come on, let's go! Creators, let's gather our quills.
Okay, so does everyone feel that their business was finished last night? Oh.
After I read my poem about Bernard's ding dong, I got asked out on a date.
Why, you little Jezebel! And he's four years my junior, so ha cha cha! Anyone else? Phylicia.
Well, I don't want to brag, but I've been approached by the owner of the Hunan Palace about printing my poem on the back of the take-out menus, so fingers crossed.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
- Is this seat taken? - What are you doing here? Oh, I just I have some unfinished business of my own I'd like to share.
I'm sorry, but we're actually gonna move on to our next theme which is a cherished return Okay.
Well, I'm gonna read my poem anyway.
It's called "A dumpling's lament "By Tempestt Bledsoe.
"Popped collar.
Pearls.
"Pedal pushers, pushing me? "Pushing you.
"Call me a dumpling "and say I fell out of the bowl? "Well, your bowl was cold, "filled with holes, "more colander than bowl.
"Ask anyone you see.
"My meats are sweet.
"Tough to the touch? Touch yourself! Feel How rough!" Man, that was raw! That was raw.
Creators, reactions.
- I hated it! - Oh.
- That's hurtful.
- And I think the voice she used just stole focus from the words.
Okay.
I don't care for you.
As a person.
Mom, what did you think about my poem? Well, I appreciate creativity in any form.
So snaps to you, fellow creator.
Are we just gonna sit here outside Scooter's house eating beef jerky all day? Yeah.
That's kinda what you do on a stakeout Why don't you call your source or something? - My source? - Yeah, that guy that you get bagels from that you also get information? No.
He was just asking me if I wanted cream cheese on that.
Okay, well, you should have a source you're a cop.
Maggie y-you know that he's probably just fine, right? Yeah, well, how would I know that? Because he's a grown-ass man, Margaret.
He's probably just blowing off some steam at a Dave & Buster's.
He's never done anything like this before.
He always calls me back.
Well, you know, you've never been divorced before.
I'm still not technically divorced now.
Yeah.
You need to get on that.
God, why does everybody keep telling me that? You still don't want to be married to the guy, do you? - No.
Of course not.
- Then you gotta let him go.
Well, I'm just supposed to do that overnight? I was with him for 13 years.
It's not you just turn off caring about somebody like that.
I know, you're right.
It takes It takes time.
It's a process.
It's just, uh I don't know, you know, like with when when Emma left.
You know, that was that sucked.
But, uh, eventually, I got over it.
- Mm-hmm.
- Which doesn't mean you stop caring, you know, it's - You just get over it.
- So you still care about her? Okay, slow your roll, Clarice.
- We're not talking about me.
- You said you always will care about her.
I'm just saying in general for most for all humans that when you break up with some Now, why don't change the subject.
We're talking about you.
It's just so crazy how we ended up here, you know? When it was starting, it was so good, and he was, like, so sweet on our first date.
What'd you guys do? He made me tilapia rolled in crushed pretzels.
He said it was like a take five bar but with fish.
And then he took me on a walk.
He said he just wanted to walk.
Then we stopped and got coke floats, and then we just sat in a Oh, my God.
I know where he is.
- You do? - Let's go.
Yeah.
- Let's go.
- No.
No, no, no.
We don't put that on unless it's an emergency.
Mark.
Right.
Screw it.
Yeah.
Let's put it on.
Fire 'em up and tear it off and tear it down! We're not tearing anything off.
Oh, Bruce.
What is going on with you, buddy? When you called and said for me to pick up my boxes, I just thought I'm not ready for this to be over.
But you cheated on me.
For the rest of my life, I'm gonna be wishing I could get in that DeLorean and go back in time just before it happened and then not do that.
Okay, well, you would have to take the DeLorean back even further, because we haven't been happy for, like, a long time.
Right, McFly? But you found me, so Obviously, that means that you must have some feelings left for me.
Yeah, of course I do.
And I will always care about you, but it's really over.
And it's gonna be hard and weird and, you know, uncomfortable and complicated, but we need to figure it out, and we need to do it soon, because when she comes out, we gotta at least pretend that we know what we're doing.
- Yeah.
- Yeah? Yeah.
'Cause I definitely don't know what I'm doing.
- Neither do I.
- I'm gonna surprise you and be great at that, though.
I hope you are.
I'm a dark horse.
Okay.
Well, I would ask if you want a ride home, but, um I'm trying to work on my boundaries.
Me too.
Plus I wanna walk a little.
- Okay.
Good idea.
- Yeah.
All right, come get your boxes and, um, also, Emma ate all your cheese.
- I'm sorry? - I said Emma ate your cheese.
Ha.
That's funny.
It sounded like you said Emma ate all my cheese.
That's what I said.
Did you ever think you would live to see the day you'd have your own crafting corner? Look I could take a Mason jar, fill it with handmade chocolate chip cookies, wrap it in a raffia ribbon off my ribbon organizer, and then here you go Happy Birthday! I mean, see? You get rid of Bruce's garbage, you're living a goddamn dream.
Straight out of the pages of pinterest.
You know, I honestly don't know why it took you so long to moveon.
org, right? Well, you're one to talk.
- What are you talking about? - I'm just saying I think we can both agree that we have trouble moving on from old relationships, right? What, are you talking about me and my mom? Oh! Great! So now you have your own wrapping station, you know everything? Well, I feel terrible.
Here you go.
Little sunshine for ya.
Do I have to go talk to her now? - Now.
- Do I have to - Yeah.
- Blehh! Um, mom? - Ah, here we go.
- No, no.
I'm not here to make a scene.
I just wanted to say that I get it.
You don't want a relationship with me.
That's fine.
So I'm gonna stop pursuing you, all right? So Good day to you, mother.
Why do you want a relationship with me after all these years when all you ever said I did was irritate you? I don't know.
'Cause you're my mom.
Well, what do you want me to say? That your hair could use more layers? That your skin tone is ashy? Gray? Makes you look like a corpse.
Is that what you want? You look better in saturated colors! Does that make you feel good? - What's happening here? - I'm hugging you, mom.
Do this.
- Are we slow dancing now? - Okay.
Are you really wearing A thong right now? Because if you are, you're playing with fire.
- Good-bye, mom.
- That yeast is multiplying as we speak.
You need to let it breathe! I don't know what's scarier, Silence of the Lambs, or this.
"A 'pome'.
Transcendently Crushed by Malcolm-Jamal Warner.
"The bones withered.
"The prison is the real zoo.
"Ah! I'm scared! "Oh! Oh, no! "Ah Ah!" It's wonderful.
- It's not done.
- What? Oh.
"Ah Oh I'd rather watch a man eat another man's face off than endure one more second of this.
- Okay.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
- Okay, then, Zach, - your work here is done.
- What? No, no, what is happening? No, no, I don't want to - do this please! - You said you were gonna watch it.