Plebs (2013) s01e03 Episode Script

1 What do you reckon? Yeah.
It's good.
It's pretty hardcore? It is hardcore but it's also classy.
Classy.
Yeah.
Is that a gangbang? No, that's a threesome.
Two guys can't be a gang? They're definitely ganging up on her.
Yeah, but she's cool with it.
She's smiling.
Look.
Oh, yeah.
Grumio, how many times do I have to ask you to empty the bin? I squashed it down instead.
Oh.
Fine then! And now you're looking at porn.
First class slaving! Er, this is not porn.
This is vintage erotica.
For his birthday.
Of course.
One of those thoughtful gifts that was clearly bought for yourself.
No.
It's for him.
What? Even though he's never expressed any interest in pottery, porn or, well, anything.
Oh, ay'up.
Look at her.
Who does that remind you of? Erm Give me a clue.
Cynthia.
OK.
That's quite a big clue.
What? Let me see.
Nope.
I can't see how you're getting Cynthia from Oh, wait.
Hang on.
Oh, wow.
Yeah! Got it.
This gift just keeps on giving.
Looks nothing like her.
It does from a certain angle.
Where? What angle? Hey.
What you up to? Not much.
Nothing.
Just got a new vase.
OK.
What are you doing later? Um, can't quite hear you.
No, don't come in.
We've just mopped.
Oh, sorry.
No, we haven't.
What are you - Just lean.
Oh, come on.
Lean in.
Stop it.
I was just seeing if - Still can't hear you.
Sorry.
Just lean in a tiny bit more, like, an inch.
Just a tiny bit There! Stop there.
Now we can hear you.
I was wondering if you had plans tonight.
His cousin's in town.
We're meeting at the bar.
You should definitely come.
Coolio.
See you there.
You saw that, right? I take it back.
It's a great gift.
So, how old are you going to be tomorrow? Dunno.
You don't know? When his parents got me, no-one knew my age, so I just started again.
I could be anywhere between 18 and 45.
Wow.
You have incredible skin for a 45-year-old.
Cheers.
Right.
Everyone grab one of these.
Top shelf challenge? Top shelf challenge.
What's that? Family tradition.
One shot from each bottle on the top shelf which, in this place, includes vinegar and brass polish.
So, pick wisely.
I want a drink.
I don't want a challenge.
You need to loosen up, Marky boy.
Starting with this tunic.
Oi, don't touch it.
It's expensive.
How? There's hardly any material.
It's deliberately skinny.
It's anorexic, mate.
I can see the lot.
That look is very in right now.
I think it suits you.
Thanks very much.
Got you a birthday cocktail, Gru.
Happy birthday.
What have you got him for his birthday, Marcus? Ah.
Erm - He's not got me anything.
What? Why? Seriously? Well, no - He says I don't deserve it.
That's cold.
I didn't say that.
That was a joke, Grumio.
Course he deserves it.
Being a slave is really hard work.
I know.
I'd like to see you do that.
Well, that is exactly why I have got him what I've got him.
What have you got him? Well, erm, tomorrow, I'm gonnaer I'm gonna be his slave.
For the day.
And you'll be my master.
Because, as you say, they work so hard.
And it is very easy to forget that.
Wow.
What a truly amazing gift.
Yeah.
I'd rather have a cake.
I think that is so impressive.
Yeah, it is.
In fact, everyone, I would like to propose a toast.
To my tireless slave, but above allfriend.
Grumio! Me.
OK, that's the polish.
Happy birthday.
Cheers.
Is that my vase? Yea - Mmm? Why were you in the bog with it? Er I was just trying it out.
Seeing what it would look like in there.
Did it look like Cynthia? I didn't check.
Morning, all.
Happy birthday, G-man.
Yeah.
Ta.
Hang on.
Is this a walk of shame? Walk of pride, mate.
Who was it? Agentleman never tells.
Was it a gentleman? Which gentleman was it? OK, piss off.
It was a girl.
What girl? Was she in the bar? Yes, she was with us Sort of.
You shagged Cynthia? You couldn't not.
Whoa, calm down.
I didn't shag Cynthia.
Right, so - Metella? Bloody hell.
That's brave.
Not Metella.
Totally nailed Lucretia.
Yeow.
Go get em, tiger.
Boom.
Sorry.
No, hang on.
You shagged your cousin? Yeah.
It's no biggie.
I'm pretty sure it is a biggie.
Incest is one of the biggest biggies.
Does that count? You're related.
Your mums are sisters.
But they're not close.
Oh, well, if they're not close I mean, this is so big I have no idea where to even start.
That's what she said.
Did she? Did she say that? Or did she say, 'What the hell are you doing? We're related? She's never had a problem with it.
You've done this before? Yeah.
On occasion.
How many occasions? I don't know.
10? 12? A dozen? You've shagged your cousin a dozen times? A cousin's dozen.
A cousin's dozen.
When was the first? Er Her mum's 50th.
We got wasted.
It was really boring and, you know No! No, I do not know.
When my family get together they get drunk and argue.
Last summer, I helped my cousin Antonia pick up seashells.
What I did not do was fuck her.
I meanthis is depraved.
Even for you.
Bullshit.
It's not depraved.
The royal family always do it.
The royal family are mental.
In fact, that's why they're mental.
They're incest-y sickos.
You've got this one wrong, mate.
As the tight tunic proves, you're out of touch with what people think.
What about you, Grumio? Yeah, it's OK.
Don't ask him.
He won't know.
He once put his dick in a melon.
Yeah, why did you do that? I weren't hungry.
Ask around.
You will find this is not cool.
OK, Captain high horse.
I'll ask around.
But answer me this - which one of us got laid last night? Well, my family were all out of town, so - I did.
So, I win, baby.
I win.
Argh.
Not on the tunic.
Oh, hey! Great night last night.
I love your cousin.
Yeah, I know.
Me, too.
That's amazing.
I made it myself.
Ah, cheers.
Sort of.
Well, Metella did the baking bit.
What did you do? I did the icing.
I meant to put Grumio but I ran out of space.
My fault for not making a big enough cake, apparently.
Let's not get into that again.
We're both to blame.
So, how's the swap going? Yes.
It's going well.
Isn't it, Grumio? What? What is? The job swap.
That we've done.
With you being the master.
Oh, no.
Can't be arsed with that.
That's a shame.
You don't have to do anything.
Just sit there with your feet up.
He's doing that already.
Exactly.
It's pointless, innit? He's not quite got the hang of it yet.
Who wants some cake? Master? Some cake for you? I will, please.
Just a slither.
Right you are.
A tiny slither.
Also, Marcus.
Not a criticism but acting wise, it might be a bit more realistic if your slave character is a bit more sad and hunchy.
Sad and hunchy? Erm Hmm? Yeah, nailed it.
And if you want to be imperious, Grumio.
Can you be imperious? No, I can't.
One - I don't know what it means.
Two - I'm not playing.
Come on, Grumio.
It's fun, mate.
Why not get your slave to clean the toilet, Grumio? Nah, toilet's fine.
Blokes can just piss it clean.
Oh, dear.
I'll give it a wipe later.
So, there's nothing you want? Nothing at all? Go on, Grumio.
He'll do anything you say.
Anything? Er Well .
.
yeah.
Fine.
Game on.
Oh Fantastic! Oi! Put that back.
H-How do I do that? Don't move and keep dripping.
That's mine.
It's rainwater.
I don't give a shit, mate.
It's my bucket.
You owe me for that.
Fine.
Landlord? Can I ask you a personal question? Go on.
Right.
Do you think it's OK to make love to your cousin? Good question.
What level of cousin are we talking? First.
The top floor.
OK.
Now, see, this is not a problem I have because my cousin Nigella's been very much beaten with the ugly club.
It's an ugly stick.
In her case it was a club.
I shouldn't really joke.
She is genuinely very unhappy.
On the flip side, I've got a mate Hector whose cousin is an absolute stunner.
If I was him, I would be in there like a rat up a drainpipe.
So, what you're basically saying is it depends on what she looks like? Very much so.
Does that help? Er Sort of.
Yeah, cheers.
No.
That is not part of the game.
You said anything.
Yeah, I meant anything in terms of abstract tasks.
Not personal accouchements.
I'm giving you my time and energy.
Not my actual belongings.
What the fuck you talking about? You'll get it dirty.
You're dirty.
Oh, I see.
And, you know, Cynthia kind of likes me in it, so I'm not bothered.
You're my slave, you do as I say.
That's the game, innit? You're just trying to annoy me.
Should've thought about that when you give me this shitty gift.
Now take off your bastard tunic.
Please, Grumio.
I'll buy you a hat.
What kind of hat? Pointy.
No, not pointy.
Smooth.
Any hat.
I want your tunic.
No! Categorically, no.
Or, I'll tell Cynthia what you've been getting up to in the bog.
With the vase.
At a certain angle.
I'm sure she'll be very impressed with that.
You wouldn't dare.
Just you try me.
Oh, yes.
That's much more slave-y.
Ha ha.
Yeah, thanks.
I thought so.
Keep up the hunching.
Eurgh, no.
1000% no.
Gross.
Hang on.
Has one of you humped your cousin? Well, no.
In theory.
Oh, my God.
Who was it? Well, who knows? OK.
I do.
It was clearly you.
Yeah, it was him.
You weren't meant to say! Marcus would never do something like that.
Correct.
Like he ever has sex with anyone.
Er, no.
That's not why.
You're a dirty perv.
So, it's right up your horrid alley.
I don't care what you think, mate.
She's hot as shit, so it's fine.
Really? What does she look like? Tall, dark, curly.
Exactly like him, basically.
Oh, wow.
This gets better.
You're knobbing your cousin cos it's the closest you can get to having sex with yourself.
You may as well bore a hole in a mirror and shag that.
That'll do.
Shall I take the piss out of that sack you're wearing instead, Marcus? Oh, no.
Go back to him.
Dirty, dirty, dirty dick.
You've got a dirty dick.
Eurgh! Gross.
Dirty cousin fucker.
You've got a dirty dick on the end of your dick.
Yeow.
Great night.
Ah, man.
It got proper messy in the end there.
We've gotta stop doing that.
Yeah, really? You think? Hell yeah.
Who dances on bars? We're such dicks.
Oh, yeah.
I thought you were talking about the whole us shagging thing.
What? Hey, we were on fire, cous.
If there'd been an audience, we would've got a standing ovation.
You see, I'm not sure we would.
OK, normal ovation.
Or maybe even booing.
What? What are you talking about? I've told a few people about what we do and they reckon it'siffy.
That is horse shit.
What is iffy about it? I'm a girl.
You're a boy.
Yeah, but alsocousins.
We're close.
So what? There's close and then there's so close that you're kind of inside each other.
Who cares what other people say, Sty? It's private and it's awesome, so chill the fuck out.
It's not like we're getting married or anything.
Yeah.
Fair point.
Although, meeting your family would be a breeze.
Salve, Grumio.
All right, Landlord.
That's a snazzy tunic.
Is your master in? He owes me money? No, he's at work, but I'm master today as it goes.
Oh, well.
In that case, you owe me money.
Fair dos.
Do you want some cake, by the way? It's my birthday.
Oh, really? Well, many happy returns.
Whatever that means.
Yeah, I could murder some cake.
Whoa! What is this? This is not part of the original furnishings, as I recall.
That's vintage erotica.
Lovely.
Oh, look at them go.
That really is fabulous.
Yep.
Yeah, I actually make that face as it goes.
That very much is the face I make when I'm doingwhat he's doing.
There's a girl on the other side that looks like Cynthia from next door.
From a certain angle.
Really? How'd you get - Ohhh, yep.
Got it.
OK, yeah.
Ohhh, can I borrow this? Borrow? Yeah.
I'm just toying with the idea of getting a vase myself.
So, I could really do with seeing what it looks like in my place.
How long's that gonna take? Oh, 10, 15 minutes should be fine.
OK.
Fire away.
I hereby call the first meeting of the office Incest Society.
Oh, fantastic.
Count me in.
Really? Of course.
I've been hooked since I was a wee lad.
I used to collect butterflies.
I once owned a purple emperor, if you can believe that.
Oh, no.
Sorry.
Incest.
Ah.
Right.
No, I didn't do that.
So, if you just put down 'anyone who enjoys relations with relations should come for a drink and a chat after work.
' Got it.
Can I still count you in? I'm meant to be meeting my mother this evening.
Bring her along.
My name is Stylax, I'm into weird sex I shag my granny in her fanny I kiss my brother, I fuck my mother And all my uncles, in the What a life you lead, Waterboy.
Waterman.
I was doing him.
Sounds like you were doing everyone.
You missed the beginning.
Lucky me.
Change your tunic, Copier? Sorry.
It's just for today.
No, no.
It's very you.
It's functional and drab.
Shredder, darling? Quick word in my office.
Yep.
Sorry if it's inappropriate or something.
Don't be.
I fully approve.
Really? As you might suspect, my family are both gorgeous and liberal.
So, I have, of course, climbed the family tree, swung from its branches and sampled its fruit and/or nuts.
Right.
So, you're pro An old pro, yeah.
And I believe that society has no right to judge.
Each to their own, I say.
Mmm, I guess that's how incest works.
Was your one with a cousin? My onewas more of a three, actually.
My first affair was with an uncle when I was 17.
He was extremely generous as a lover, teacher and chef.
The second was with a first cousin and the third was with a second cousin.
I salute you, Shredder.
You're doing a noble thing.
I'm doing a terrible thing.
Yes, I know.
I've been telling you that.
What changed your mind? Flavia.
What? She told you off? No, she told me on.
She loves it.
And she's a bloody deviant.
I mean, she takes baths in arse milk, for fuck's sake.
Pretty sure that's ass's milk rather than arse milk.
Yeah, that makes sense.
I was wondering how you milk an arse.
What you gonna do? I'm gonna have to dump my cousin, aren't I? Brilliant.
As if family holidays weren't awkward enough.
Hey, Marcus.
Give this back to your master.
Erm, sorry.
Why have you got it? Just having a go on it.
What? From a certain angle, one of the girls looks - I know.
I know about the angle.
All right, chill out.
Tell Grumio I meant to return it earlier, only I was trying it out in different rooms.
Yeah, I bet you were.
Oh, look missed a spot.
Grumio? Do not lend Landlord the vase to wank over.
Hey! Hello! What are you doing here? Come and have a look at Grumio.
OK.
I mean, I have seen him before but All right? Doesn't he look amazing? Yeah, that isgreat.
Just stop a sec, please, mate.
How much is this costing? Oh.
Don't worry about that, slave.
It's my money now.
And Franco's worth every penny.
Glad to hear it.
Carry on, Franco.
Just watch the tunic would you, please, Franco? What's for my tea? Well, we've got potatoes and eggs and - I want a goose.
We're not having a goose.
Master's asked for a goose.
Yes, but - What were that you said about lending Landlord the vase? Let's have a goose, in fact! Why not? Groovy.
Do you wanna goose, Cynth? Do you? No, thanks.
There's still some cake left.
Franco? Goose? OK.
Two gooses.
Hmmm.
It's not you.
It's me.
In fact, it's not me.
It's us.
It's our grandparents being the same.
I know.
It's so weird.
People were properly judge-y when I spoke to them about it.
I know, right.
Maybe we're just ahead of our time.
Or behind our time.
Mmm.
So, are we ending it then? The incest bit? Yeah.
But we're still going to be friends, right? Hell yeah.
More than friends.
Exactly.
It's not like we won't see each other again.
We're all going to Auntie Augustus this summer which is now going to be boring as shit without the shagging.
Yeah, we'll have to do a crappy treasure hunt, eh? Yeah.
Come here, Cous.
And release.
Dinner time then, you curly twat.
Hurry up.
I'm starving.
Where's Franco? Oh, he couldn't wait for you.
So, what do I do with this goose? Whatever.
Release it.
Release it? OK, brilliant.
Off you go then, mate.
You're free.
Oi, that's not a goose.
Yes, it is.
Goose have got long bendy necks.
That's a shit goose.
No it's not a - Do you mean a swan? That's it.
I want one of them arrogant pricks.
They don't sell swans.
Go and catch one then.
What? Hang on.
What's that on my tunic? Is that dye? Have you dyed my tunic? That's from where I got my highlights done.
That's it.
Game over.
Take it off.
No, I'm the boss.
Not any more you're not.
We're stopping this.
I'll tell her about the vase.
Cynthia! Get that bloody tunic off, now! Maybe I'll show her the angle.
Cynthia! You can't prove anything.
Give it back.
Give it back.
Cynthia! Youbig bastard.
Oops.
You want oops? I'll give you oops.
No, no, no.
Sto - I'm eating the cake all wrong.
Oh, no.
Stop, stop it! That's worth more than you are.
You couldn't be arsed to get me a birthday present, so I know you think that.
Right.
It's mess you want, is it? I'll give you mess.
You pissing yourself? It's your tunic.
So, technically, I'm pissing yourself.
Ahhh.
It's like that, is it? It is, actually.
What are you doing? I'm upping the ante.
Grumio, stop it.
Seriously.
And touchdown.
Ah.
Have I got any more where that came from? No, don't.
Yep, we do.
Stop it! Ahhh.
Have you pissed and shitted yourself? Shat? Yeah.
And Stylax had sex with his cousin.
Ah, thanks for fixing it.
Can't quite find the angle anymore, though.
Ah, well.
I got stains out your tunic, by the way.
Oh.
Thanks, man.
It took ages.
It were dead soiled.
Sorry about the soil.
It's fine.
Shrunk a bit.
Yeah.
Might be too skinny now.
Yeah.
And it stinks of shit.
Go on, go on.
You can do it!