Population: 11 (2024) s01e03 Episode Script

(UNSETTLING MUSIC)
- ANDY: Hey!
- Are you OK?
I just got hit in the head
with a shovel.
CASSIE: Why didn't you tell me
your dad was missing?
Tell me you found him.
More importantly, the money.
Is this a bakery
or a Chinese restaurant?
Both, yeah. Fusion.
CASSIE: You'll never guess
what I found.
The shovel. Probably.
The one that hit you
in the face!
- (PANS CLATTER)
- (GRUNTS)
CASSIE: Oh! Fuck!
She's gonna get rid of the body
by baking it into her pies.
If I help you find your dad,
you'll pay me the 5,000?
- Fine.
- (FIREARM CLICKS)
Looks like you uncovered
my little secret.
(TIMER RINGS)
I can't believe
you worked it out.
Look, uh, I'm I'm sure you
have your your reasons
and that is fine.
- It's fine?
- It's fine.
Of course it's fine.
- Totally fine.
- It's so fine.
- It's fine.
- Really fine.
- Tell her.
- I'm telling her.
Stop saying it's fine.
I know it's fine.
Circle-of-life shit.
What I don't know is
who you've told about it.
No-one. No-one.
And we we we are not gonna
tell a a single person.
- Not a soul.
- Not a soul, no.
I mean, we we respect
the the creative process
too much.
You know, all I really frankly,
to be honest,
all I care about
is is the the money.
Is getting the money.
- The money?
- Yeah. If you just
If you just hand it over,
we're not gonna say anything
about this.
In case you hadn't noticed,
dickhead,
I'm the one holding the gun.
That's fair. That's fair.
- Yeah.
- So, this is how it's gonna go.
Here.
What's What are you
- What are you doing?
- Take it.
Try it.
What?
I know your tastebuds
have been poisoned
by corn syrup
and processed shit,
but at least try it.
- No, thank you. I-I It's
- Eat it!
If you remember,
I actually had some
when I first came into
the store, so
Not this kind, you didn't.
Please, I'm I'm begging you
not to
Eat the fuckin' pie or I'll blow
your fuckin' head off!
- I'll eat it.
- You're a vegetarian.
I wouldn't make you do that.
Eat it.
Be a big boy.
(FOIL CRINKLES)
Just getting it ready.
Big bite.
(LAUGHS)
Can't taste the difference,
can ya?
Mm-mm.
No. You are
What is wrong with you?!
What? Too much coriander?
What kind of a sick fuck
forces somebody to eat
their own father?!
- What's that, now?
- It's human flesh!
Specifically, my father!
Jesus Christ!
Of course it fuckin' isn't!
Oh, yeah? Then what's
Hugo's hat doing here?
That's my hat. Half the fuckin'
town has the same hat.
OK, why are you driving
around town in the dead of night
with a bloody shovel
in the back of your ute, then?
Because I pick up roadkill.
I collect it at night 'cause
I don't want people knowing.
Even though it's totally
environmentally friendly,
some people are
pretty narrow-minded
about this kind of shit.
OK, it's not as bad as we
thought, but it's still gross!
- I mean, what about hygiene?
- Uh, it's completely hygienic.
I only use the freshest kills.
Roos, dingoes, wallabies,
the odd emu.
So, that wasn't you
that hit me over the head
with the shovel last night?
If someone hit you
over the head,
you probably deserved it
for being a nosy bastard,
but it wasn't me.
Shit. Ah! Fuck! (GRUNTS)
Yeah, OK, we believe you.
Just put the gun down.
- Promise not to say anything.
- Obviously!
We promise.
- (ANDY INHALES SHARPLY)
- Good.
Now, take your
unsophisticated palates
and get the fuck out!
Come on. Let's just
Psycho. Jesus!
(DOOR SLAMS)
Fuckin' hell.
(SOFTLY) Shit.
Oh, it has got
too much coriander.
(KOOKABURRA LAUGHS IN DISTANCE)
I thought you were
looking for your dad
because he's your dad.
I am.
But as soon as you think
you're being forced to eat him,
your focus shifts to money?
- What's that about?
- He has some money of mine.
I need to get it back.
That is all.
- It's not a big deal.
- Yeah, that checks out.
You only flew halfway around
the world for it. No biggie.
How is any of this
your business?
I thought I was helping you
get to the bottom of
your dad's disappearance.
Yeah, well,
your theory didn't pan out.
So, you know what?
I'm good. Thank you.
But you said
We had a deal. Andy!
Andy!
('COLOUR TELEVISION' BY
EDDY CURRENT SUPPRESSION RING)
(BUZZING)
What do you want?
Fuckin' onto you, mate.
I switch on, I switch off
I switch on, I switch off
I switch on, I switch off
I switch on, I switch off
I switch on, I switch off
I switch on, I switch off
I switch on, I switch off
I switch on, I switch off ♪
No, I haven't found him.
(YAWNS) But right now,
I need to go to sleep.
Well, you can sleep
when we get the money back.
'Night, Dom!
Oh, 'night!
Don't work too late.
No, no, no, I won't. I won't.
- (DOM CHUCKLES)
- OK.
(SIGHS)
Look, I think Liliana
suspects something.
(SCOFFS) No way.
All Liliana cares about
is who's bringing cookies to the
Compliment Circle this week.
- Andy, I'm telling you
- LILIANA: Oh, is that Andy?
Is he really sick
or is he out on
other job interviews?
He hasn't seemed happy
here lately.
No, no, of course he's sick.
He's got a kidney stone
in his urethra.
- He almost died.
- LILIANA: Oh, God!
Poor Andy. I am so sorry.
DOM: No, no, no. It's OK.
You couldn't have known.
Tell him
I hope he feels better soon.
- I will. Have a
- 'Bye.
Oh, goddamn it.
That was impressive.
Andy, she's found
one of the accounts.
What? How?
I used a deceased client.
She saw that the account
had been reopened.
I told her it was a mistake,
but
Look, I think she bought it,
but, look, man, to be honest,
I'm nervous.
OK. That just sounds
like bad luck.
No, man, I'm telling you, man,
she is sniffing around.
What if she finds
one of the other accounts?
She's not going to
because you're gonna make sure
that that doesn't happen, Dom.
Maybe I should just
close 'em all down.
No, you can't close them.
We're not done yet.
Well, look, man,
I gotta be honest.
I don't know how much longer
I can keep all this up.
Listen, the UAE transaction
is in 72 hours.
I will find the money.
It's gonna go through
and then we'll figure out
what to do next,
but right now,
I need to go to bed.
What the hell's going on
down there, Andy?
I haven't slept since I got here
and I almost ate my dad
last night.
I didn't almost eat him.
It wasn't my dad.
It doesn't matter. I feel sick
and I need to go to bed.
'Bye, Dom.
(SIGHS)
('MIND' BY KAS PRODUCT)
Your mind is all you've got
Try to keep it to yourself
You told my mind
that I don't know how to feel
I'm trying all this time
to know what is real
You think about my mind
So you see I won't get hurt
And you say all the time that
I don't know what is real ♪
Slowing down, thank you.
(BICYCLE BELL TINKLES)
NOEL: Bloody tourist!
(PASSIONATE MOANING AND PANTING)
Baby boy want an apple?
Uh, no, thank you. Um
- Eat it.
- W-what?
- Bite it.
- (APPLE CRUNCHES)
Good boy.
You love it. Suckle on it.
Oh! Oh!
- (PHONE RINGS)
- Good boy.
Shouldn't you get that?
It keeps ringing.
Oh. Uh, fuckin'
What?
ANDY OVER PHONE:
This is Andrew Pruden.
Oh! (CHUCKLES)
I knew you'd call.
OK, so, what's the latest?
- On what?
- My missing father!
(SIGHS)
Listen, sweetheart, people
disappear out here all the time,
never to be seen
or heard of again.
Some people fall off
the face of the earth
in violent, horrifying
circumstances
and some people who go missing
just don't want to be found
at all.
(RORY MUNCHES APPLE)
Have you ever considered that?
So, you're you're just
not gonna look?
Look
I'm not saying
don't get your hopes
Oh, no, wait. Yep, that's
exactly what I'm saying.
Thanks for calling.
- (AIR RIFLE POPS)
- Ow!
Argh!
Hello?
- (AIR RIFLE POPS)
- Ow! Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! What the fuck?
Who are you?
Watch the language, please!
Oh, hi. Did you
Did you just see
Never mind.
Uh, I was wondering
if I could use your internet.
- Innernet?
- Yeah.
- No, we don't have innernet.
- You you don't?
Didn't I see the?
Oh, internet? With a 'T'?
Yes, internet with a 'T'.
- Yeah, the 'T' is not silent.
- I didn't make it silent!
NOEL: Mm, sorta did, though.
You know what I'm
What I'm asking.
- NOEL: Internet?
- ANDY: Internet.
- Internet.
- May I use your internet?
(FLY BUZZES)
NOEL:
What's the magic word, though?
Please?
Not that hard, is it?
No.
Did, uh
Did Hugo ever use this computer,
you know,
for online banking or?
I am not at liberty to
Yeah, you're not
at liberty to say.
- You can't tell me anything.
- Absolutely.
You know your head's bleeding?
Oh, yeah.
I fell and hurt myself.
NOEL: Oh.
You can't use my internet
with a gaping wound like that.
I don't want blood
on my keyboard.
OK, well (CLEARS THROAT)
Is there a bandage,
maybe, or
Oh, no, that's a nasty cut.
A bandage won't do.
Oh, I don't know. I suppose
I could stitch it up for you.
Ah, of course.
You're a doctor too.
Well, more of an amateur vet.
Yeah, I mean, I don't wanna
blow my own horn,
but I have been
stitching up animals for years.
There's not a dog in this town
that hasn't had my magic fingers
all over them.
- Lucky dogs.
- They sure are.
I think I'm OK
with the stitches,
but thank you anyway.
Alright, well,
think about it this way -
when your dad comes back,
you can tell him that I took
care of his little baby boy.
Do you think my
He's coming back?
Who knows?
Maybe he's on holiday.
Maybe something strange happened
or maybe
he never left.
So (SUCKS TEETH)
what'll it be?
(SIGHS)
It's like a museum in here.
Yeah, that's the plan, once
I've gathered enough artefacts.
Security cameras?
ANDY: Town this small?
NOEL: Yeah, you can never
let your guard down
where people are concerned.
I like to keep a close eye
on everyone,
especially those I don't trust.
(INHALES SHARPLY)
Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Like who?
Oh, you haven't met Jeff yet,
have you?
No.
Who's Jeff? (INHALES SHARPLY)
- Argh, Jesus!
- Ah, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Oh, don't worry.
You'll meet Jeff.
What's with the nurse?
Well, it's not a sex thing,
if that's what you're thinking.
I wasn't. It's I just
Well, that's lucky, 'cause
it's a tribute to my mother.
She was a nurse.
That was her uniform.
Any other questions?
Were you friends with Hugo?
Oh, sure. I love your dad.
Fantastic individual.
We're extremely close.
Oh, I mean, you know,
having said that,
I can see why people might say
we were rivals.
Rivals?
Well, it was my idea
to run UFO tours
and Hugo did steal it,
but, to be fair,
anyone could have come up with
that exact same
incredibly specific idea
right after I told him about it.
I see.
That's just the kinda guy he is.
God, I miss him.
Hope he comes back soon.
Me too.
So, um
let me ask you something.
How do we know you are
who you say you are?
I mean, what are we to think?
You come in here out of the blue
looking for Hugo
like a debt collector,
not a long-lost son.
See, Americans always
want something.
If they can't turn a profit,
they just won't do it.
You watch too many movies.
I've never seen a movie.
I watch people.
And I can see in your eyes
that you want something.
Yeah.
I wanna know where Hugo is.
You mean your dad?
(CLEARS THROAT)
Alright.
Well, as a man from a nation
that understands
the importance of independence,
I wanna show you something.
Come on.
(SIGHS)
- Incredible.
- Mm.
- Is this your hobby?
- Oi! Hobbies are for children.
What you are looking at
is a model
for a future micronation.
- ANDY: A micronation?
- Mm. Nation within a nation.
See, what I aim to achieve is
the registration
of the Principality
of Bidgeegudland.
Just need everybody's votes.
Hugo was against it, naturally.
Maybe you can help me get him
on board, if he's ever found.+
- Why would you wanna do this?
- Why wouldn't I?
You see, every government
in the last 200-plus years
in this country has been rubbish
and I am fed up
recognising their authority.
Much better to have
a self-governed nation,
you know, with our own laws
and currency
and flag and stamps.
I'm even working on
a national anthem.
- Would you like to hear it?
- Not really.
Good. Lyrics aren't
quite there yet.
Where's Hugo?
Well, I like to update the model
in real time.
Hugo's missing, isn't he?
So, it stands to reason
he's vanished from here too.
- (PHONE RINGS)
- Oh, excuse I.
It's 47.50 for the stitches too
and I don't bulk bill either.
(PHONE RINGS)
NOEL: Hello?
ANDY: Hugo?
(INTRIGUING MUSIC)
(NOEL SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY
IN DISTANCE)
Hey, Val, uh
- There you go, darl.
- I didn't order that.
Well, it's poured now.
I'll just put it on your tab.
- Hey, have you seen Cassie?
- Yes!
She just rented the room
next to yours.
She told me to put that
on your tab as well.
Great.
Uh, Leon?
Enjoying our little town,
are ya?
Uh, not particularly.
And I actually don't really have
time for whatever this is.
Oh, yeah? How you liking
the people, mate?
They are fine.
Anyone in particular you liking?
Uh, you know, I'll think
about it and let you know, OK?
Hey, any of the, uh,
female women
in particular
that you're liking?
I don't know.
Just off the top of me head
Audrey?
The pie lady?
Un-fucking-believable, bud.
You been here for, what, huh,
five fucking seconds?
You're already waving
your stars-and-stripes dick
around, aren't ya?
Fuckin' the one woman who's
supposed to be mine, you dog!
What?
Yeah, I saw you leaving
her house this morning.
Was that you watching me
via that drone?
'Vee-a'?
You're not gonna distract me
with your bullshit words, mate.
Nothing happened.
Cassie and I went in
to talk her about something
and there was a little
misunderstanding about pies.
Oh, OK, what type of
misunderstanding, mate?
(STAMMERS) Doesn't matter.
Nothing. That's all.
Ask ask Cassie.
Nothing happened.
Shit! Fuck!
Sorry, mate. I'm sorry.
I-I get a bit caught up in it
and I make dumb assumptions.
Yeah, of course
Audrey's not gonna be into you.
I mean, have a look at you.
You look like
one of those blokes
that tries to sell me
fucking life insurance
or some bullshit, you know?
(SNORTS)
Well, glad I could
clear that up for you.
Anyway, if you don't mind,
I'm kind of
in the middle of something.
- Oh, yeah, righto. No worries.
- Yeah.
(EXHALES)
Hey, Andy
how do I make Audrey like me?
Oh, um, I don't know.
Just be yourself.
Oh, yeah, OK.
What if she doesn't fuckin' like
this myself person?
A fuckin' small town, bud.
Small town.
I can't just make an arse of
myself. What if she says no?
I fuckin' live here, man.
Uh, well, you know, Leon,
maybe just - I don't know -
make a joke out of it, you know?
Ask her out and if she says no,
then you can tease her
for thinking
that you were being serious
and then she looks silly
and you don't, so
Yeah.
Mate, that is
fuckin' genius advice.
Genius. I'll just make
a fuckin' joke of it!
- Yeah.
- Yes!
Because then if she says no,
I can just say,
"What are you?
Stupid or something?
"I was having a fuckin' joke,
you dumb fuckin' bitch."
Well, maybe not in
those exact
No, but that's good. Thank you.
- Are you gonna have that one?
- Knock yourself out.
Thanks, mate.
See ya.
(SIGHS)
That's some of the dumbest
advice I've ever heard.
There you are. Hey, uh, have you
met anybody named Jeff?
Jeff? Nah. Why?
Doesn't matter.
Uh, I need you to distract Noel
at the general store for me.
Sorry, did you just say 'need'?
I thought you didn't need
anyone's help.
Well, you clearly haven't
been taking the hint.
So, I'm working for you?
The deal's back on?
Say it.
- Say I'm working for you.
- OK, fine.
Yes, you, Cassie -
I don't know your last name -
are officially
working for me, OK?
So, now can we maybe update
your resume some other time?
Alright. Distract Noel,
you say? Too easy.
('MIND' BY KAS PRODUCT)
They're after us
You've got to care
I know what is the burden
It's the money you want
And the mind to kill
It's the power of life
And the lives you steal
Exploit them and their minds
It's for the good of mankind
We want your mind,
we want your mind. ♪
(NOEL MURMURS ABSENT-MINDEDLY)
(INTRIGUING MUSIC)
What are you staring at?
Just your potential.
What?
- So, you dye your hair, right?
- No, I don't.
OK. Well, it looks great.
But how would you like
to look even younger?
Oh, no, not interested.
- It's free.
- I'll give it a go, sure.
CASSIE: Hm.
(INTRIGUING MUSIC)
So, is there a special lady
in your life?
Just get on with it, please,
before I change my mind.
(CASSIE CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY)
It feels weird.
Uh, yeah, that's just
the minerals doing their work.
Mm, good. It is kind
of burning, though.
- Oh.
- I think I want to take it off.
Just give it a minute.
You won't regret it.
Oh, my God!
You look 18 months younger
at least. Wow.
Would you mind
if I take a photo?
Yeah, I would mind. No photos.
Oh, then a mirror. Look, look.
Come and You have to
see it for yourself.
Hurry. Come and have a look.
I just think we've gone
a little bit far enough.
Oh, wow!
I look great.
Really great. I seriously think
I look younger.
What did I tell you?
It never fails.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
This is how I look in my mind
before I look in the mirror.
You'll keep. (CHUCKLES) Stop.
Now, this over here is amazing.
Ah, ah, don't touch Oh, look!
I told you.
I spent a long time on that.
I'm sorry. Oh, look at this
little crocodile. He's cute.
Mm, his name's Jeff.
He's the only animal left
in my private zoo
after Hugo let all
the other ones out.
Oh, shit.
(CASSIE CALLS OUT SOFTLY) Andy!
Andy!
- Andy!
- (WHISPERS) What are you doing?
Get back inside.
Get back inside.
(CALLS SOFTLY) It's Jeff. Jeff!
Jeff's a crocodile!
I can't I can't hear you.
It's Jeff. The crocodile.
Oh, my God, who's Jeff?
Behind you.
(WATER SPLASHES)
(GROWLS)
(GROWLS)
Fuck you, Jeff!
(DIDGERIDOO MUSIC)
(LAIDBACK MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY)
(PATRONS CHATTER INDISTINCTLY)
Do you think Noel knew
I was coming?
Maybe he's taunting you
like the Riviera Postcard Bandit
from 1977.
Who's that? Never mind.
Don't tell me. I can already
sense that it's irrelevant.
I think Hugo was in that shed,
but he was moved
and Noel put that dummy in there
to mess with you.
So, now we just have to
figure out where Noel moved him.
GERALDINE: Oh, yeah,
I'd love a beer. Thanks, Val.
- Mm.
- LEON: Oh, look out.
- GERALDINE: Mm!
- LEON: What's she doing here?
Mm! That's better.
Gonna make this little
announcement a bit easier.
(CHUCKLES) Alright, can I have
a bit of quiet?
(MUSIC SHUTS OFF)
Hugo's been found.
(ALL GROAN AND SIGH)
- How good's that?
- Uh, where is he?
Let me finish.
His body.
Hugo's been found dead.
LEON: Well, that's no good, hey?
GERALDINE: That's why
you don't interrupt.
('OPEN HEART SURGERY'
BY THE BRIAN JONESTOWN MASSACRE)
I feel like letting you know
Oh, oh
How much I love you today
Ay-ay ♪