Primos (2024) s01e03 Episode Script

1
(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
- (CAT SNARLING)
- (DOGS BARKING)
(SINGING) Hey, another day
in my old hood
Summer started
and it's gonna be so good
Hey, oh, hey
I was gonna be so cool
Then you all moved in
And got me
looking like a fool, again
CHORUS: Oye, Primos
Why you all up in my face?
CHORUS: Oye, Primos
Get up out my space
CHORUS: Oye, Primos
You're wearing out
my brain
You're driving me insane
Not the roll call again
Cousin Bud, Nacho and Lita
Tere, Tabi and Tonita
Scooter, Lala and Gordita
Nachito, ChaCha and Lucita
- CHORUS: Yay
- TATER : No
Come on
CHORUS: Oye, Primos
(GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION)
(TATER READING)
(FUNKY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
NARRATOR ON TV:
Four eligible singles think
they have the recipe for love.
I'm looking for my Tira-missus.
You're gonna die alone.
NARRATOR: But on this island,
- some of the suitors are made
- (KISSES)
- of cake.
- (ALARM BLARING)
No!
NARRATOR: High stakes
and tasty bakes
- This is Cake Island.
- (SEAGULL SQUAWKING)
That guy got caked.
Reality TV.
(THUDS)
Dear Diary,
I'm seven whole days
into the summer of Tater,
and I still don't know
what my final form will be.
My vision board
is still totally blank.
(IN BRITISH ACCENT) Right now,
I'm a sad ingredient
in search of a recipe for greatness.
(IN NORMAL ACCENT)
But what should I bake myself into?
(IN BRITISH ACCENT)
A rad red velvet?
A terrific tres leches?
The Chosen Cheesecake?
(IN NORMAL ACCENT)
A final form can be anything.
How am I supposed to choose?
Where do I even start?
Hurry, Tater. We're expiring. (GROANS)
No, no, no!
(SCREAMING)
- BIG NACHO: Shh! Respect Cake Island.
- Ugh!
You only respect things
if you see them on TV.
- Duh.
- TV tells me what to think.
NARRATOR ON TV: Cake Island
is brought to you by BizKid Magazine.
WOMAN: Do you want to be on TV?
Do you wanna earn
the respect of your family?
Do you want to achieve life goals
before it's too late?
Then you belong
on BizKid Magazine's ten Under ten list.
Oh, what's this list?
Every year, BizKid Magazine
compiles a prestigious list
honoring the greatest
single-digit doers.
Ten kids under the age of ten
who are changing the world
with their talents and athleticism,
charity, business, ecology,
arts, science
and (SHUDDERS) improv comedy.
Inspiration!
- WOMAN ON TV: Do you have what it takes?
- (BEEPS)
WOMAN ON TV:
Submit an audition video before Friday.
S ponsored by Zip the Crevasse.
Hang ten over Hacienda's
own Grand Canyon off the I-15.
(GASPS) ten Under ten?
A cup of martial arts,
a pinch of philanthropy,
a scoop of comedic timing.
This list is the direction I needed.
A recipe for success!
If I can replicate
each of the feats from last year's list,
I'm guaranteed a spot
on this year's.
Just the inspiration
I need for my final form.
Chef's kiss!
Okay. First thing I need
is a camera to record my audition.
Anybody wanna lend me
their phone, eh, eh?
(GRUNTING)
I'll take that as a no.
Whatever!
I know where I can find
a good old-fashioned camcorder.
Off to Buela and Pop's garage.
Wait, I will accompany you.
- You wanna help me?
- Does the scientist help the lab rat?
Uh
I want to study you.
I'm intrigued by your optimism
in the face of imminent failure.
Okay. Well, um, you're on camera duty.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
of our favorite nietas.
Hi, Buela.
Can I borrow your camcorder?
Uh
Why is Pop flipping tires?
Is he angry at them?
(GRUNTING) No,
I actually love tires.
(EXHALES)
This is his newest exercise routine.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Pop only loved sleeping.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
trying out new things.
It's what I love most about him.
That and his six-pack abs.
I like trying new things too.
In fact, I'm mastering
ten new things this week.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
are you trying to master?
The human condition.
And human conditioning.
- Here, Tater.
- Ooh!
(GOBBLING AND SWALLOWING) Mmm.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Some things take years to master.
But that's part of the fun.
Last summer, I couldn't
even flip a bike tire.
And now, look at me
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
- (CRASHES)
- Caliente!
Village?
Vida means life.
Oh, wait.
My whole life?
No, no, no, no, no.
I only have until Friday
to submit my audition
for the ten Under ten list.
Luckily, I've got a secret weapon.
A training montage.
That's not very scientific.
(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING)
(SINGING)
You think it should be easy
Just a simple recipe
But my observations show
- You lack the skills and the technique
- (HUFFING)
Dedication, concentration
- Just nowhere to be seen
- (MONKEYS GIBBER)
To put it more specifically
You're failing scientifically
Need an education
Not imagination
To achieve any goal
Can't just try and fake it
You will never make it
That's not how the story goes
Without the proper tools
You're gonna play the fool
To put it more specifically
You're failing scientifically
Failure, ouch. Failure, ouch.
Failure.
(SLOBBERING)
The subject is no longer
cheese-motivated.
- (FAINTLY) Help.
- Failure achieved.
(GAGS)
Ten Under ten.
Earn the respect of my primos.
My face on TV!
You will always be a failure.
(SCREAMS) Don't say that.
(GROANS)
Time is running out.
Gotta strategize.
(GRUNTING)
Ah-ha! Now,
that's a strategy.
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
I'll ride a unicycle
over a zip line across
the Crevasse
on rollerblades,
doing a hyper-realistic
painting with one hand,
and making souffle
with the other,
all while bottle-feeding
the cute tarantula from the garage.
I'll take all ten spots
on the ten Under ten list.
And my face will be
on every TV in the world!
And I'll earn
the collective respect of all my primos.
ALL: Tater, you finally earned
our collective respect.
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
Yes! Yes!
The lab rat has gone mad.
Hiss!
I'll show you mad
Mad skills!
You will see me, Tater,
doing something so incredible,
I'll prove your
(MOCKINGLY) scientific calculations
(IN NORMAL VOICE) wrong!
Now, come with me to the Crevasse!
(IMITATES ECHO)
Crevasse! Crevasse!
Crevasse.
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Can someone drive me to the Crevasse?
I'll drive you, chiquitita. But first
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(BOTH SLURPING)
(ALL CLAMORING)
Oh, Hacienda's very own Grand Canyon.
Such natural majesty, man.
- Majesty and, potentially, tragedy.
- (WIND HOWLING SOFTLY)
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey. What's crack-a-lacking?
The zip line is open,
but the restroom is out of service.
- (BATS SCREECHING)
- (FLIES BUZZING)
Those stinking bats.
Aw, it's a great day to zip, man.
BIG NACHO: Can't wait to see
her wipeout.
It's okay. Keep breathing.
Visualize success.
You'll be on TV. (WHIMPERS)
(WHIMPERING) Oh, oh!
What? What? What?
(SCREAMING)
(GRUNTS AND GASPS)
- Oh!
- (SPIDER SCREECHES)
(ROARS)
(ALL LAUGHING)
You finally made it on TV,
as a failure!
The only list you belong on
is the Lamoes Under ten list.
(ALL LAUGHING)
(GULPS)
(VULTURE SCREECHES)
You ready, kid?
Uh (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Wait, wait, wait.
- Finish your jugo de nopal.
- (SLOSHING)
(BOTH SLURPING)
Mmm, ah. You know, chiquitita,
when I'm dehydrated,
I make rash decisions like
doing a dangerous stunt
that I'm not prepared for.
(BURPS)
Por suerte, your Buela's always there
to pour me some jugo de nopal.
Entonces, I can see things more clearly.
Y tambien, it fills my bladder.
Winky.
- Huh? Oh.
- (BLADDER GROWLS)
Oh, wow, you're right.
I really gotta pee.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
restroom is out of service.
I guess we gotta drive back home.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
It looks like you won't be able
to do this completely loco stunt.
Oh.
Oh!
Thank you, Pop.
(SPEAKING SPANISH AND LAUGHING)
I gotta pee too.
ALL: Aw!
Boo!
My calculations were correct.
Tater's face will never be on TV.
I wish I didn't have
to disappoint the primos.
I think I can hold it for,
um, cinco minutos.
- Can you?
- Mmm-hmm.
Don't worry, you'll get your show.
What's he talking about?
He's going to do the stunt himself.
(FANFARE PLAYING)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Check out these mad skills.
(ALL GASPING)
Hmm
Ooh, ah!
I do.
Ugh! Every time?
- (ALL GROANING)
- Told you they were cake.
NARRATOR ON TV:
Cake Island is sponsored by
WOMAN: BizSenior Magazine introduces
the incredible newest honoree
of the seven Under 70 list,
Pop Ramirez.
I have to give all
the credit and inspiration
to my granddaughter.
WOMAN: Thanks
for the inspiration, Local Girl.
I'm on TV. I'm Local Girl.
(ALL CHEERING)
I respect that.
GORDITA:
You've earned this.
You're not like the other lab rats.
(SQUEAKING)
I think I'm still gonna try
and develop these skills.
At least, now I have inspiration
and have all summer
to figure out what I'm actually good at.
Thanks for helping me
realize this, Pop.
I love you. (SIGHS)
Huh?
You just got caked.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Cake Pop.
(TATER READING)
- (NEIGHS)
- (SPEAKING SPANISH)
(PEOPLE CLAMORING)
(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
(GRUNTING)
- Not another sock war, man.
- (ALL CLAMORING)
(ALL GRUNTING)
(LAUGHS)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Fear the Palo De Poder!
- I'm a pacifist, man.
- (SHOUTING)
Aw, yeah?
"Any other day, she's lucky
if she catches a sardine.
"But today, she reeled in a man."
- (THUDS)
- Hey!
Cut it out, guys.
The sock war is disturbing
my spicy reading time.
(IN SING-SONG VOICE)
Laundry day.
Hey, hijita. What you got there?
- Picture books?
- Psh, what am I, a child?
Behold Romancimorphs Vol. three.
The Merman and Me.
(IN BRITISH ACCENT) It's, uh,
sophisticated young adult literature.
(IN NORMAL ACCENT)
So can you pretty please
buy me the fourth series?
Hija, you have so many books.
Maybe you should make room
by getting rid of a few.
What? No. Books are my family.
Can I, uh,
get rid of Nellie instead?
Aw. (MOCKINGLY CRYING)
I would love that.
Hijita, stop with
las preguntas, por favor.
No new books
until you've parted with some old ones.
Ugh! Get rid of my books?
What I supposed to do?
Give them away like day-old bagels?
Oh, yeah.
Just like Bagel boy.
This kid got
on the ten Under ten list
by giving away 10,000 bagels
to the hungry.
- And a few ducks.
- (QUACKS)
Mmm, I guess I could
try the giveaway thing
if it gets me something in return.
But which ones?
(ALL SINGING)
Happy birthday, dear Tater
Happy birthday to you
(GASPS)
(ROARS PLAYFULLY)
I'll always be here for you, Tater.
Junko Tabei was
the first woman to climb Mount Everest.
- Whoa!
- See?
Junko was a brave lady.
- Just like you'll be one day.
- (GIGGLES)
Yeah, I'm gonna be
just like her.
These little kid books
belong to past Tater,
and I don't know her.
I wish I didn't know you.
Maybe this is part of my final form.
One day
I will be known as Saint Tater
(ALL CHEERING)
patron saint of books.
Now I just need to find some minds
in need of enlightenment.
(GIGGLING)
Or a couple of primos.
(LAUGHING)
(CLAMORING)
Tater, are you gonna play with us?
Yeah. Check out these cool tricks
I can do con palo de poder.
Not today, youngster.
Today is a different day.
A special day. You get to choose
to stay in your
humdrum little lives or
free your minds.
Humdrum life!
Humdrum life!
Wait. I mean you're getting books.
Free books.
ALL: Yay!
You get a book,
and you get a book, and you get a book!
I love free stuff!
To Lucita, I bestow The Nose Knows.
Fresh picked just for you.
Nachito, I bestow upon you
these illustrated biographies.
You'll notice a mix of sweet and
Sweet? Is it about candy?
No, It's about Junko Tabei,
the first woman to get
to the top of Mount Everest.
- Anyway, ChaCha
- (SNARLS)
- I Um
- (SNARLING)
(MUFFLED) Wait what?
(SNIFFING)
- Hmm
- Yeah.
Smell that, ChaCha?
(INHALES)
That's the smell of culture.
Savor it.
My work here is done.
Tater, you're my hero.
I'm no hero.
I do it all for the children.
But I do expect an oral report
from each of you about how I
I mean, how the books
changed your lives.
(SNICKERING)
Fantasy romance, here I come.
Aw.
Poor sweet old-school Taties.
You need to graduate
to audiobooks like me.
See? Hands free.
Ugh, that's unnatural.
Just saying. It'd save you
from seeing your books
die by sticky hands.
But maybe you're just
a bigger person than I am.
Metaphorically.
Or maybe I know that
our sweet little primos
will cherish my gift of books.
(RIPPING)
Ugh, that's some
loud cherishing, huh?
(GASPING)
Improper use of
a (DISTORTED) semicolon.
- No!
- (RIPPING)
(GIGGLING) Get ready for
the (DISTORTED) penalty shot.
- (GASPING AND GROANING)
- (CHACHA CHOKES)
(RETCHING)
(BURPING) ChaCha.
Tater, why?
(GAGS) I think I'm gonna be sick.
Ooh, here.
I've got you with this book.
(GRUNTING AND SCREAMING)
Okay, this is over!
The book gala's concluded.
Thanks for playing.
- Hey!
- I thought you gave them to us.
Don't worry, little books.
I'm here. I'm taking you back home.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Nachito's right.
You gave them the books,
and they're not yours anymore.
But But But
But maybe you could
teach your primos
to be a little bit more careful.
But that's impossible.
It's like trying to teach
a merman to mambo.
Merman to mambo?
What have you been reading?
Gah, it's uh Nothing. I mean, uh
Fine, I'll teach the primos.
Ah? Mmm-mmm. Hmm?
(GROANING)
Hmm?
(HUMMING)
(GASPS)
(SHUDDERING) Oh!
Okay. (SIGHS)
(GASPS)
Okay. (BREATHING HEAVILY)
(GASPING)
(PANTING)
- (GRUNTING)
- (TRAIN HORN BLARES)
Oh, Merman.
Even your majestic countenance
can't soothe my weary soul.
Hmm?
(STAMMERS) Wait. Is that
Junko Tabei?
(YELPS AND GRUNTS)
First, Lucita with her crayon,
then ChaCha with her teeth,
and now this?
I want vengeance!
(COOING)
TATER: Oh, Lucita!
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
(GASPS) Wow!
Now they're red pandas.
Thanks, Tater.
(GRUNTING)
(SNORING)
TATER: Hey, ChaCha.
You bite my books, I bite your toys.
(SNARLING)
(SPITS)
A tooth for a tooth, ChaCha.
ChaCha. (LAUGHING)
- ChaCha and ChaCha.
- Huh?
Oh, she wants you to break in
the rest for her.
You must have some good chompers.
Ugh! Darn these resilient primos.
Their spirits are harder
to break than I estimated,
but my next attempt will not fail.
(LAUGHING EVILLY)
So, Nachito,
if you ever wanna see your
precious palo de poder again,
look where cut grass
and fruit peels unite
to make the ultimate stink bomb.
You have until 3:00 p.m.
When it'll disappear
forever! (LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
(GASPS)
(SNICKERING)
Now, to lurk and witness
justice unfurl. (LAUGHS)
Justice unfurling any minute now.
(VEHICLE APPROACHING)
(HONKING)
Garbage truck. Where is he?
(GRUNTING)
Gah! I want justice, not regret.
(GRUNTING)
BIG NACHO: (CHUCKLES)
Que onda, trash potato?
You lose a bet or something?
(SIGHS) No.
I just lost my sense
of right and wrong for a minute.
Uh, what are you doing
with el palo de poder?
I, uh, was playing a joke on Nachito.
I left him a note
telling him where to find it,
but he never showed up.
Oh, well, he probably
couldn't read your note.
- What? Why?
- It's too early to tell.
But Dad thinks that Chito
might be dyslexic, like me.
Wait, you guys can't read?
No, tonta! We can read.
It's just
a lot harder for us than other people.
Which makes it less fun.
Get it?
I I had no idea.
Yeah, I get it.
(GASPS) El palo de poder.
Ugh, why does it
taste like bananas?
I'm sorry, Nachito.
I've been a bad prima today.
No, Tater. I'm the bad one.
I know I ruined your books,
but I got frustrated.
I even taped one in the shower
so I could practice reading
while I did my shampoo.
It didn't help, though.
Don't give up, Nachito.
Books are incredible.
In books, you can travel the world,
have adventures,
- romance merpeople.
- Merpeople?
Um, what I'm
trying to say is books are amazing.
I can't let you miss out.
I don't wanna miss out.
I just wish I could
read books on my own.
Hmm (GASPS)
I'll be right back.
- (GRUNTING)
- Hey, are there any tricks
that could
help Nachito read on his own?
Well, (GRUNTING)
at school it really helps
when my teacher
reminds me how certain letters sound.
(GRUNTING) Oh.
And something
to keep my place as I read helps too.
All right, Nachito.
This book is your Everest
and el palo de poder
will keep you on the trail.
- Huh?
- You wanna see what I mean?
Okay, this first word starts with a B.
You know the sound that makes?
Uh
- Buh?
- You got it.
Born in J J
J Japan!
(NACHITO GRUNTING)
Whoa!
Gotcha.
(GRUNTS)
Nachito, you made it to the summit.
Just like mighty mountaineer Junko.
I did it.
I did it! Yes.
Thank you, prima.
It's my pleasure, primo.
(YODELING)
- I did it!
- (LAUGHING)
Tater, you helped me.
Wow, this feels great.
There really is nothing
like sharing your passion.
And speaking of passion,
(CHUCKLES)
The Merman and Me awaits.
Ooh, can I try reading this one?
Oh, uh, sure.
Let me see if I can find
some Nachito-friendly parts.
Eh No.
Oof, definitely not that.
Um, maybe you can read
the back cover for now.
(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)