Puppy Love (2014) s01e03 Episode Script
Episode 3
1 ~ We've had another reminder, about the rent arrears.
~ Oh No, Charlie leave it, leave! ~ You get any sleep or were you up all night playing pickle tickle? ~ Nana! Future'Z has awarded Eron a sum of money for his football boots.
How much? Charlie! ~ Mrs Singh! ~ I'm fine! ~ We're getting married! ~ Oh! Woo-hoo! This won't affect the grant, will it? Caleb, will you stop teasing the puppy?! Yes, yes, do what your mother says.
Hey, yous.
Go on, No Name.
Rummage, find sweeties, crisps Go on, anything.
Come on, dog! Not for you, for me, dafty.
Hey, how you getting on with the blerts? Mum's making me do this stupid competition.
She's horrible.
Hey, Eron, son.
Listen, you couldn't have a bit of a look, could you? In the back of her kitchen cupboard for a couple of tins of something? Bring them up to the van later.
~ It's just we're a bit short this week.
~ What, knock em off? ~ Tell her it's for a tombola.
~ OK, Nana V.
Oh, and see if you can blag a quilted bog roll from her, will you? Grandad's chafing again.
Stay, No Name, stay.
~ Hiya, Dave.
~ Oh, hiya.
~ You seen Dave? Yeah, he's just leathering down the boats.
~ Ahoy there! ~ Ahh, hello there, girl! Aww.
Mmm.
Oh, that smells good, Dave.
~ Want one? ~ Mmm! ~ Dave, put a couple of rashers on for V.
~ OK! You heading up the Wirral Way? Dave Wilson, do not tell me that I can't take your dog on her usual walk on the beach.
~ Veneta, keep your hair on.
~ Listen, the strand belongs to Her Majesty and she trumps you and all your Wilson Trophy cronies, posh-wise.
~ Love the ponytail.
~ I always have a ponytail.
Look, I'm not falling for your romantic Rhydian act again.
Listen, can I put this notice up on your board? Are you qualified? Fully certified.
I've got a piece of paper somewhere under the bed.
And, no, you're not coming to help me look for it.
~ Just need to pick your brains, that's all.
~ That won't take long.
Oi, you! ~ Charlie got a bee sting on her bum last night.
~ Aww.
~ She had the screaming abdabs.
~ Oh, did you try bicarb? ~ Should I have? ~ Yeah, that or wrapped her bum in ice.
I'm very handy with an ice cube, I am.
I remember.
Listen, you could come to my first aid class tonight.
That's if you're not too busy captaining the fleet, Rear Commodore, Sir.
Those sarnies ready yet? Veneta, don't walk them near the Marine Lake.
Oh, you can stick your regatta up your big, fat fishy jumper, Dave.
There's a shout! Oh, I haven't finished my brekkie.
Oh, well.
It's an ill wind.
There you go, Charlie.
There's a windsurfer in trouble in the ebb tide.
That's the second one this month.
Like the surface of the moon out there.
~ All right, Nana V? ~ All right, Dave.
Tsk! Tsk! Hey, Ravi, how's the leg? ~ It's not bad.
I'm still going to come with you.
~ Ravi, the book says if we allow the animal on the furniture, he'll think he's in charge of the whole family.
Charlie, you are not the alpha.
Tsk! What's that silly noise you're making? It's the noise a mother dog makes to control her puppy.
Tsk! ~ Really? ~ Jasmine, I thought you were crewing this morning.
~ It's the first heat of the Wilson Trophy tomorrow.
~ I hate sailing! I'm sick of having a wet bum.
It makes my cheeks itch.
You can't let Dave Wilson down.
You just want to wear a long dress and brown-nose the Rear Commodore at the Trophy Social.
Look, this is very embarrassing.
I have invited him for dinner tomorrow night to shore up ~ your place on the team.
~ You did that for yourself.
Jasmine! This is one of the world's most prestigious events.
I would give my right arm to participate.
You take my place, Naomi.
Please don't use my first name, Jasmine.
It's mum, or mummy.
I am the leader of your pack.
~ You ready, Jas? ~ Yeah.
We're going to go to Nana V's for a couple of days.
Wouldn't it jeopardise Eron's football boots? ~ Are you happy about this, Ravi? ~ Am if you are.
Look, thanks Mr and Mrs Singh, for letting me stay, ~ but money's not everything.
~ The best things in life are free.
Well, a wedding certainly isn't free, so I hope you're both putting that out of your minds for ~ Bye, Dad.
~ Bye! ~ Bye.
This way, this way.
Come on.
That's it, good dogs.
Good dogs, this way.
Hey, Mrs Singh.
You want to keep Charlie away from the edge of the water, ~ there's a very strong undertow here.
~ Charlie, no.
Tsk.
Yes, good.
Have you seen Mr Wilson? What? Rear of the year? Ah, yes, of course, the work of the RNLI must go on, Wilson Trophy or no.
~ Planning on giving him an Andrew Collinge? ~ Oh, no, I'm hosting a dinner party tomorrow night in honour of the Wilson Trophy.
~ I'm foraging.
~ Oh, yeah, Tony did that once.
Went out with a metal detector.
Found a mouse trap and a used condom with a safety pin in it.
No, I'm harvesting bladderwrack to go with my scallops with Armeria maritima for my confit of cod with sea thrift leaves ~ and a cockle vinaigrette.
~ Are you having chips or mash with that? ~ Hey, Dave.
~ ALL: Yeah.
Fished another one out of a Welshman's Gut, eh? Hey, you want to get out there, Mrs Singh, you can do your whatsitsing.
Foraging.
David, I'm afraid I've got some rather bad news.
Mae Culpa, David, this is my daughter's mess and I shall clear it up.
You sure you're up to it, with those old lady's knees? I insist on being your Beaver.
~ No problem, I'll ring round and ~ No, no, no, I don't want to put you to any more trouble.
I shall give you 110%, Rear Commodore, I know how much this means to you.
~ Hello, Chris.
~ Hi.
Well, you don't want to be runner-up 18 years in a row ~ I imagine.
~ I have a feeling this might be my year.
Ah, yes, we'll have the Wilson Trophy in your hands come Sunday, if it's the last thing we do.
All right, well it's north-westerly so watch the shifts, play the sheets and mind the boom.
Aye, aye, Captain.
Yes, it's all coming back to me now.
It's about finesse and dedication, isn't it? Rather than physique.
Oooh! Best of British, Dave? 7:30 for 8:00, dinner tomorrow night still OK? Red or white? No, just bring yourselves.
Tim, have we got any of those bottles of Barolo that we brought back from Montepulciano?! Hiya, Mrs Beggs.
~ Oh, hi, Nana V.
~ Ah, hi Liquorice! ~ Hi, Dave! ~ I thought I told you not to walk her by the lake.
~ It's a free country.
~ Good girl, Charlie! How funny, both our dogs are called Charlie! Great minds.
~ Shall I pop her in the car? ~ Yeah, it's open.
MOBILE RINGS Sorry, I better get this.
Ah, it's one of my trustees.
Hello, Mr Denomer.
Oh, no sorry, I can't hear you! I'm practising for the Wilson Trophy! The Future'Z Northwest Financial Report? Uh Yes, the financial section, yes, it's, it's all prepared.
Yes, I'll get that sent over to you straightaway.
Yes.
Oh! Oh, my phone! No! Oh, hell's bells! Did you get any ore of those 1p yoghurts? Did I heck, as like.
Oh! I had to wait for hours till they put out the whoopsies and then they were only reduced to half price.
~ No-one can afford half price! ~ Mmm.
Anyway, so what are we actually having for tea then, V? Tada! ~ Porridge week again.
~ Sorry, love.
You know, you could get some Jaffa cakes from the food bank.
I'd rather get caught on the five-finger discount than accept handouts from a vicar's missus.
Now, do you want a cup of tea? Go on, then, me stomach thinks me throat's cut.
Black do you? Now that's the end of the sodding gas.
Have you any takers for the canine first aid class? Oh, yeah, I'm drumming up a load of business there.
I've told them it's mandatory in Belgium.
~ You could give them a certificate.
~ Hey, that's a good idea.
People'll pay anything for a piece of paper.
Oh, Tone, bit awkward this, but I ran into John Pruddah on Field Lane.
Ah, you could've gone via the Cottage Loaf.
Well, I had to offer him something.
25 quid towards the arrears.
At least Eron's getting fed.
What's this Craig's sent, eh? First aid kits? That vet's given the debt to a collection agency.
What am I meant to do with them? You know the time has come, V to pawn me wedding ring.
Oh, I am pleased to hear that, Tony.
It's been five years since the decree nisi, it's not healthy to cling to the past.
Hand it over, I'll take it into Milton's tomorrow.
All this stuff's a dead loss.
I mean, what kind of boring twat wants lingerie the colour of cowflops? Now, I'm sorry but I've only got ten of these left.
I'm going to have to sell them on a first come, first serve basis.
They are 12.
95 each or 25.
50 for two I'm so sorry I'm late.
Where's your cuddly toy? Er Nobody mentioned a cuddly toy.
Oh, Dave Wilson's here.
Hello, Dave! I'm sure he'll share with me.
I'm helping him out in the Wilson Trophy.
so Come on, Charlie.
Come on, Charlie.
Right, I want to move on.
Choking.
If you've put your hand inside the dog's mouth and you cannot dislodge the object, then you need to move to the next level.
Erm, Mr Ferguson, could I just borrow your cuddly toy there? ~ OK, so what you're going to need to do ~ That's a good boy.
Are you listening? ~ Sorry.
~ All right.
.
.
is put the arms round the chest, make a fist and then find the soft spot just beneath the ribcage, and you want to go in and up, in and up.
Just like that, five times.
Now, you will need to adjust for size.
Sian with Troy there How about trying the wheelbarrow position.
Yeah? OK, so, er yeah, Dave, you give your elephant to Mrs Singh.
Thank you, Dave.
Dave, you can practice on me.
OK, so it's arms around the chest.
That's it.
Make a fist.
Find the soft spot.
Mmm.
And it's in and up.
Uh-uh.
Ooh! Uh-oh ~ Mmm.
~ Ugh.
Ooh, you've got a lovely action there, Dave.
~ Uh-Uh.
~ Now, if it doesn't come easily ~ Uh-uh.
.
.
you're going to have to keep at it.
~ Ooh! ~ Uh-uh.
~ Oooh.
~ Uh-uh.
~ Oh! Right.
There we go, Charlie.
It's £2, then.
OK, everybody who wants your first aid certificates, can you go and see Mr Fazackerly, please? He's a part-qualified accountant, all bona fide.
It is £2, just to cover the printing costs, then he'll e-mail it to you.
Oh, Dave, I've still got your elephant.
Sorry, I've bent the trunk a little bit.
~ Erm, could I pop and see Mr F? ~ Yeah, go and knock him up.
He always likes a bit of female company, even if it is from a minger.
Not that you're a minger, is she Dave? Dave, Dave, could I have the dog walking money a bit early this week? Yeah, sure.
Tomorrow all right? Don't forget it's £12 now for pedigrees.
She's not pedigree, she's a Labradoodle.
Exactly.
£10 for the lab, two for the doodle.
Oh, yes, I'm sure I'll be able to manage this for you.
Oh, thank goodness.
Yes, I'm crewing for The Rear Commodore's team in the Wilson Trophy tomorrow.
I've got a dinner party for six and I haven't even jugged the hare.
So, as you can see, I'm in quite a fix and I've got another five bags at home.
~ So ~ Five? Oh, now hang on a minute.
Tony's got a lot on at the moment.
~ Well, obviously, as we discussed, there would be a fee ~ Even so.
Well, I'm sure we can come to some arrangement.
We pay £8 an hour.
~ We're not interested in money.
~ Ten? ~ What do you think, Tony? Could you squeeze the lady in? ~ Hmm.
~ 12? ~ All right, on this occasion, 16 and we've got a deal.
Oh, wonderful.
What a relief.
Oh, these are rather nice.
Oh Gorgeous colour, aren't they? ~ Mmm.
~ Yeah, now, I might have a 32AA.
Well, actually, I'm a 34B.
But do you have a 44G in this as well? I know my friend Suke at the sailing club would absolutely love one.
~ Very classy colour - oatmeal.
Fabulous.
~ Mmm.
Is Jasmine all right? Oh, love's young dream have gone for a walk.
Oh, well.
Thank you again and big kiss to Jasmine.
~ Has she gone? ~ You two, plan B.
A life on the ocean wave for me and you two are on doggy day care.
~ Am I old enough? ~ Well, at 16 you can have a gay bonk, get married and look after a pet, hopefully not at the same time.
But, Nana, we've got something special planned.
Well, cancel it.
I've got bigger fish to fry in the form of tummy-tuck and bum-lift pants.
You wouldn't be interested in any lingerie by any chance? ~ I've got all sizes.
36DD.
No, not interested? ~ No.
~ You're keeling.
Keep her flat.
~ Oh, bugger.
Sorry! Lady in the brown coat, excuse me? You don't need to try it on, I'm perfectly happy for you to take them with you.
Hi, sorry to bother you.
Erm I couldn't interest you in in any pants, could I? You sure? They're like a nice oatmeal colour.
You don't fancy a pair of gruel pants, do you? I've got a couple of items here.
I've got like an oatmeal, gruel, a tope? Couldn't interest you in a control pant? You don't need it, do you? Have you given up? Nice day, isn't it, for the sailing and that? ~ Hiya.
~ Enjoying it? ~ Your dog's nice.
Yeah, she's lovely, isn't she? Yeah.
Come on, babe, let's go to the island so we can be on our own.
We've had a terrific day! We're through! Oh, Charlie, no.
Tsk, tsk.
The red wine's breathing.
Excellent.
I'll start grilling the duck's hearts after I've had my bath.
I don't want to have itchy buttocks when we've got guests.
Oh, Ravi, when you've got a moment, there are some dry baked beetroot slices and wasabi peas that can go in the blue bowls.
Thanks.
HE SIGHS ~ Hiya.
~ Hi.
~ I just brought the Future'Z paperwork that our Tony's ~ done for Mrs Singh.
~ Oh, right.
~ And I do need to collect the next lot.
~ She won't be long.
Our Eron here? They're staying at yours, I thought? Oh, yeah.
We're like ships in the night at the moment.
MOBILE RINGS Nana V, for all your dogging needs.
Your dog's not back yet? Oh, no, no, no, no, I do know all about that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I just spoke to me grandson, actually, yeah.
He'll be dropping Bobbysox off any minute.
Not to worry.
Thanks, Mr Lakin.
Eron, son, where are you? I've got the day care owners breathing down my neck.
Call me, will you, yeah? Oh, Mrs Fazackerly.
Hello, Mrs Singh, yeah.
Nice clobber - peshwari naan? Here's the next batch for your husband.
Oh, is that my oatmeal lingerie? Mm-hm.
That'll be 17.
99.
DOORBELL RINGS What, you want me to go down the cash point for you? Oh, do you not have a card machine? ~ No.
~ I'm sorry, I can't give my pin number out to just anybody.
Then I will need to withhold the goods.
Coming.
Hello! Do come in.
Mwah.
Hey, tip-top work today.
~ Oh, thank you, David.
~ There you go.
~ Oh, you are naughty ~ Hello, V.
~ Hiya.
How was Charlie today? Oh, yeah, yeah, he was as good as gold, yeah.
I just dropped him off, actually, at your house now.
You're looking good, Captain Cook.
I see you made an effort.
~ Eh, I scrub up well.
~ Mmm, I remember.
DOORBELL RINGS Do come in.
Come through.
Hi, Suke.
Danielle! ~ Hiya.
~ Tim.
How's Liquorice getting on with the toilet training? She's doing really well.
~ She did do a poo on the bed, though.
~ Oh, she's coming on then.
Brought you a little something from the French Laundry at Napa.
It's a Frank Family pinot noir, which is Well, it's pretty decent.
Oh, wonderful, look at that.
~ Ravi, can you pop that in the cellar when you're going past? ~ Sure.
Great! Oh, Mrs Fazackerly, I'd love to invite you to join us, but I'm sure you've already eaten.
~ Erm ~ And we haven't got enough chairs.
Oh, you can sit on my lap, V.
I could sit on this.
Oh, no please be careful, that's a bridal chair from Laos.
Hmm.
Might be my lucky night, then.
So, what's for dinner then, able seaman? ~ GLASS SMASHES ~ Oh, no! ~ I paid £180 for that! ~ They saw you coming.
Charlie, sit.
So, our third course is grilled duck hearts with potato pillows.
So, the Beavers are in pole position.
Well done, you! Yay! Are you a sailor, Nana V? Hm.
I wouldn't say no to a ship's biscuit.
Yes, it's quite a challenge.
You have to be pretty nimble, ~ messing about on boats, don't you, Suke? ~ Yes.
She's like me.
Built-in buoyancy aids, eh? Yes, well you need to be pretty athletic.
Oh, not that I'm implying that I mean, I know you do a lot of dog walking.
You and me weigh about the same.
You're just very long.
A stretched out version of the same mass.
Do you think? ~ Would anyone like another potato pillow? ~ I won't.
~ I will.
~ They were very nice, you must give me the recipe.
Oh, it's very easy.
It's just braised in beeswax with a dollop of sea herb mouli.
Yes, I've had them at El Bulli.
These are a slightly different texture.
So he's ignoring the medical advice and going ahead with his bike tour.
Tony, I'm getting worried.
Where is he? And then, after Norway, they're heading down to France.
~ And that's our third leg.
~ You not heard anything, love? I've had to give the owners a load of flannel.
And there are 21 switchbacks up the Alpe D'Huez? Where are they? A mate of mine had a pulmonary embolism at 4,000 meters, so good luck! All right, love, yeah.
As soon as you hear anything, yeah? OK, bye, Tony, love.
~ You really going to do that? ~ Yeah.
Won't do your thighs any harm.
You got any bread with this, love? ~ Tim! ~ Sorry it's all taking so long.
Probably should all be getting our beauty sleep! Oh, I like to pull an all-nighter before a big race.
~ I remember.
~ It's probably why you never win.
~ Is that going begging, Mrs Beggs? ~ I'm terribly full.
~ Pass it over.
Oh, God, I've got to get this.
It's KL.
~ That's a reliable lubricant.
~ Kuala Lumpur.
Mmm.
Exactly.
Got to get this.
It's, erm Oh, it's a client.
It's three in the morning! Tony, yeah? That can't be Tony, is there something you're not telling me? ~ Pudding, everyone? ~ Ummmm Charlie? Charlie! ~ Oh, my God, he's choking to death.
~ Ravi, do something! What are we supposed to do? Dave knows the in and up better than anyone else.
Oh, was that a wasabi pea? SHE SCREAMS Stop screaming, you hysterical woman! ~ The dogs are stranded in the estuary! ~ Where's Jasmine? And the kids! SHE SCREAMS They've been there all night.
They must be frozen.
I can think of ways in which they could keep warm.
~ There they are! ~ Nana! Over here! Jasmine! ~ I'll try and pull in ~ Where's Charlie Wilson? Charlie?! Where's my dog?! She's over there! She's ran off! ~ We're so sorry! ~ We couldn't catch her! ~ The tide's racing.
~ The dog could drown, Dave, unless we can get in quick.
Oh, shut up, V, this is all your fault.
Oh, you don't need to tell me that, Dave! It doesn't help that your daughter is as thick as a cocoa room cup.
What? You've put her in grave danger! ~ We're so sorry! ~ Nana! ~ I called this wrong.
~ I can't bring her in over the rocks.
~ Right, Dave, you go and pick up the kids.
~ What? I'm going to swim in on the tide.
What are you trying to achieve? It's only a bloody dog! Don't worry, Jasmine, mummy's on her way! I'm coming, Charlie.
I'm coming! Charlie, Charlie! Come on, girlie.
Come on, Nana's come for you.
Come on, Charlie.
Come on, girl.
Aww.
Come on.
Come on, baby.
You're terrified.
You been drinking sea water? Throwing up? Shitting yourself? Come to Nana.
Come to Nana.
I could kill you.
Fair play.
~ You love that dog more than you love any of your lady friends.
~ You're right, there.
Well, I know where you're coming from.
I grew up in children's' homes, so Why'd you chuck me? I wanted to get in there first.
~ Here's your tea.
~ People, eh? You can't trust em.
I'll drink to that.
And so will Charlie, won't you, girl, eh? You know what you could do with? ~ Some of my first aid kits here.
~ And last but not least.
Oh, thank you so much.
Did you say your name was David? ~ Just call me Dave.
~ Dave, thank you.
HORN BLARES Right, Naomi.
Ready to race? Come on.
Congratulations to the winners The Arrow Park Portnoy-Noars.
And the runners up this year for the 18th time, Captained by Dave Wilson, the Beacon Beavers.
You did your ancestors proud, well done.
~ Thank you very much.
~ Very good.
Don't they? Don't they say my name? David, wasn't it wonderful we hit that north-westerly? ~ We really had the edge.
~ We did indeed.
~ Very impressive.
~ I didn't know you could teach an old dog new tricks ~ Tim! I'm not saying, you know, you're an old dog, obviously.
~ Dead nice dress, Naomi.
~ Oh, thank you.
Very brave choice, matches the chairs.
Oh, here comes that bloody woman who nearly drowned Jasmine.
Oh, hello, Charlie dog.
Ah You look like you've recovered.
~ All right, V? ~ Ah, Dave Listen, I won't charge you for Charlie's day care yesterday, obviously, but could I have the previous £12, please? You are joking? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, course I am, yeah.
SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY Got you there.
Oh, just hand it over, Dave.
Very sexy, the oatmeal lingerie.
Thanks, Dave.
I must pay you.
I love mine.
I was showing the Rear Commodore when he came round to mine for a cup of tea.
Thank you.
There you go.
Well worth it.
Oh, Mrs Singh.
Got your 32AA here.
Er, no, I think I've had a bit of a rethink, actually, having seen it on you.
It's rather pallid.
Well, can I have Tony's wages then, please? Oh, no, you'll need to invoice Future'Z Head Office for those.
Yes.
It should be in your account within 90 days.
~ Charlie! ~ Charlie! Ah.
You had me worried.
What took you so long? ~ I went via The Cottage Loaf.
~ Oh HE LAUGHS And the shops! Oh, you're a wonder.
I was wasting away here.
Got a meat feast whole rotisserie chicken, two bag of cod and big chips.
Think I've got a biryani somewhere.
~ Oh, here we go.
~ Something in a black bean sauce.
~ Marvellous.
~ Ah, No Name, would you like a little bit of chicken? There's a good dog.
Wait.
Good girl, eat it.
Tone, that's the upside of porridge week - you've lost weight.
You'll be out of this van before you can say Gina Lollobrigida.
Hand it over, love, I'll take it into Milton's in the morning.
Well As we're nearly out the woods I could keep it on for now.
~ Oh No, Charlie leave it, leave! ~ You get any sleep or were you up all night playing pickle tickle? ~ Nana! Future'Z has awarded Eron a sum of money for his football boots.
How much? Charlie! ~ Mrs Singh! ~ I'm fine! ~ We're getting married! ~ Oh! Woo-hoo! This won't affect the grant, will it? Caleb, will you stop teasing the puppy?! Yes, yes, do what your mother says.
Hey, yous.
Go on, No Name.
Rummage, find sweeties, crisps Go on, anything.
Come on, dog! Not for you, for me, dafty.
Hey, how you getting on with the blerts? Mum's making me do this stupid competition.
She's horrible.
Hey, Eron, son.
Listen, you couldn't have a bit of a look, could you? In the back of her kitchen cupboard for a couple of tins of something? Bring them up to the van later.
~ It's just we're a bit short this week.
~ What, knock em off? ~ Tell her it's for a tombola.
~ OK, Nana V.
Oh, and see if you can blag a quilted bog roll from her, will you? Grandad's chafing again.
Stay, No Name, stay.
~ Hiya, Dave.
~ Oh, hiya.
~ You seen Dave? Yeah, he's just leathering down the boats.
~ Ahoy there! ~ Ahh, hello there, girl! Aww.
Mmm.
Oh, that smells good, Dave.
~ Want one? ~ Mmm! ~ Dave, put a couple of rashers on for V.
~ OK! You heading up the Wirral Way? Dave Wilson, do not tell me that I can't take your dog on her usual walk on the beach.
~ Veneta, keep your hair on.
~ Listen, the strand belongs to Her Majesty and she trumps you and all your Wilson Trophy cronies, posh-wise.
~ Love the ponytail.
~ I always have a ponytail.
Look, I'm not falling for your romantic Rhydian act again.
Listen, can I put this notice up on your board? Are you qualified? Fully certified.
I've got a piece of paper somewhere under the bed.
And, no, you're not coming to help me look for it.
~ Just need to pick your brains, that's all.
~ That won't take long.
Oi, you! ~ Charlie got a bee sting on her bum last night.
~ Aww.
~ She had the screaming abdabs.
~ Oh, did you try bicarb? ~ Should I have? ~ Yeah, that or wrapped her bum in ice.
I'm very handy with an ice cube, I am.
I remember.
Listen, you could come to my first aid class tonight.
That's if you're not too busy captaining the fleet, Rear Commodore, Sir.
Those sarnies ready yet? Veneta, don't walk them near the Marine Lake.
Oh, you can stick your regatta up your big, fat fishy jumper, Dave.
There's a shout! Oh, I haven't finished my brekkie.
Oh, well.
It's an ill wind.
There you go, Charlie.
There's a windsurfer in trouble in the ebb tide.
That's the second one this month.
Like the surface of the moon out there.
~ All right, Nana V? ~ All right, Dave.
Tsk! Tsk! Hey, Ravi, how's the leg? ~ It's not bad.
I'm still going to come with you.
~ Ravi, the book says if we allow the animal on the furniture, he'll think he's in charge of the whole family.
Charlie, you are not the alpha.
Tsk! What's that silly noise you're making? It's the noise a mother dog makes to control her puppy.
Tsk! ~ Really? ~ Jasmine, I thought you were crewing this morning.
~ It's the first heat of the Wilson Trophy tomorrow.
~ I hate sailing! I'm sick of having a wet bum.
It makes my cheeks itch.
You can't let Dave Wilson down.
You just want to wear a long dress and brown-nose the Rear Commodore at the Trophy Social.
Look, this is very embarrassing.
I have invited him for dinner tomorrow night to shore up ~ your place on the team.
~ You did that for yourself.
Jasmine! This is one of the world's most prestigious events.
I would give my right arm to participate.
You take my place, Naomi.
Please don't use my first name, Jasmine.
It's mum, or mummy.
I am the leader of your pack.
~ You ready, Jas? ~ Yeah.
We're going to go to Nana V's for a couple of days.
Wouldn't it jeopardise Eron's football boots? ~ Are you happy about this, Ravi? ~ Am if you are.
Look, thanks Mr and Mrs Singh, for letting me stay, ~ but money's not everything.
~ The best things in life are free.
Well, a wedding certainly isn't free, so I hope you're both putting that out of your minds for ~ Bye, Dad.
~ Bye! ~ Bye.
This way, this way.
Come on.
That's it, good dogs.
Good dogs, this way.
Hey, Mrs Singh.
You want to keep Charlie away from the edge of the water, ~ there's a very strong undertow here.
~ Charlie, no.
Tsk.
Yes, good.
Have you seen Mr Wilson? What? Rear of the year? Ah, yes, of course, the work of the RNLI must go on, Wilson Trophy or no.
~ Planning on giving him an Andrew Collinge? ~ Oh, no, I'm hosting a dinner party tomorrow night in honour of the Wilson Trophy.
~ I'm foraging.
~ Oh, yeah, Tony did that once.
Went out with a metal detector.
Found a mouse trap and a used condom with a safety pin in it.
No, I'm harvesting bladderwrack to go with my scallops with Armeria maritima for my confit of cod with sea thrift leaves ~ and a cockle vinaigrette.
~ Are you having chips or mash with that? ~ Hey, Dave.
~ ALL: Yeah.
Fished another one out of a Welshman's Gut, eh? Hey, you want to get out there, Mrs Singh, you can do your whatsitsing.
Foraging.
David, I'm afraid I've got some rather bad news.
Mae Culpa, David, this is my daughter's mess and I shall clear it up.
You sure you're up to it, with those old lady's knees? I insist on being your Beaver.
~ No problem, I'll ring round and ~ No, no, no, I don't want to put you to any more trouble.
I shall give you 110%, Rear Commodore, I know how much this means to you.
~ Hello, Chris.
~ Hi.
Well, you don't want to be runner-up 18 years in a row ~ I imagine.
~ I have a feeling this might be my year.
Ah, yes, we'll have the Wilson Trophy in your hands come Sunday, if it's the last thing we do.
All right, well it's north-westerly so watch the shifts, play the sheets and mind the boom.
Aye, aye, Captain.
Yes, it's all coming back to me now.
It's about finesse and dedication, isn't it? Rather than physique.
Oooh! Best of British, Dave? 7:30 for 8:00, dinner tomorrow night still OK? Red or white? No, just bring yourselves.
Tim, have we got any of those bottles of Barolo that we brought back from Montepulciano?! Hiya, Mrs Beggs.
~ Oh, hi, Nana V.
~ Ah, hi Liquorice! ~ Hi, Dave! ~ I thought I told you not to walk her by the lake.
~ It's a free country.
~ Good girl, Charlie! How funny, both our dogs are called Charlie! Great minds.
~ Shall I pop her in the car? ~ Yeah, it's open.
MOBILE RINGS Sorry, I better get this.
Ah, it's one of my trustees.
Hello, Mr Denomer.
Oh, no sorry, I can't hear you! I'm practising for the Wilson Trophy! The Future'Z Northwest Financial Report? Uh Yes, the financial section, yes, it's, it's all prepared.
Yes, I'll get that sent over to you straightaway.
Yes.
Oh! Oh, my phone! No! Oh, hell's bells! Did you get any ore of those 1p yoghurts? Did I heck, as like.
Oh! I had to wait for hours till they put out the whoopsies and then they were only reduced to half price.
~ No-one can afford half price! ~ Mmm.
Anyway, so what are we actually having for tea then, V? Tada! ~ Porridge week again.
~ Sorry, love.
You know, you could get some Jaffa cakes from the food bank.
I'd rather get caught on the five-finger discount than accept handouts from a vicar's missus.
Now, do you want a cup of tea? Go on, then, me stomach thinks me throat's cut.
Black do you? Now that's the end of the sodding gas.
Have you any takers for the canine first aid class? Oh, yeah, I'm drumming up a load of business there.
I've told them it's mandatory in Belgium.
~ You could give them a certificate.
~ Hey, that's a good idea.
People'll pay anything for a piece of paper.
Oh, Tone, bit awkward this, but I ran into John Pruddah on Field Lane.
Ah, you could've gone via the Cottage Loaf.
Well, I had to offer him something.
25 quid towards the arrears.
At least Eron's getting fed.
What's this Craig's sent, eh? First aid kits? That vet's given the debt to a collection agency.
What am I meant to do with them? You know the time has come, V to pawn me wedding ring.
Oh, I am pleased to hear that, Tony.
It's been five years since the decree nisi, it's not healthy to cling to the past.
Hand it over, I'll take it into Milton's tomorrow.
All this stuff's a dead loss.
I mean, what kind of boring twat wants lingerie the colour of cowflops? Now, I'm sorry but I've only got ten of these left.
I'm going to have to sell them on a first come, first serve basis.
They are 12.
95 each or 25.
50 for two I'm so sorry I'm late.
Where's your cuddly toy? Er Nobody mentioned a cuddly toy.
Oh, Dave Wilson's here.
Hello, Dave! I'm sure he'll share with me.
I'm helping him out in the Wilson Trophy.
so Come on, Charlie.
Come on, Charlie.
Right, I want to move on.
Choking.
If you've put your hand inside the dog's mouth and you cannot dislodge the object, then you need to move to the next level.
Erm, Mr Ferguson, could I just borrow your cuddly toy there? ~ OK, so what you're going to need to do ~ That's a good boy.
Are you listening? ~ Sorry.
~ All right.
.
.
is put the arms round the chest, make a fist and then find the soft spot just beneath the ribcage, and you want to go in and up, in and up.
Just like that, five times.
Now, you will need to adjust for size.
Sian with Troy there How about trying the wheelbarrow position.
Yeah? OK, so, er yeah, Dave, you give your elephant to Mrs Singh.
Thank you, Dave.
Dave, you can practice on me.
OK, so it's arms around the chest.
That's it.
Make a fist.
Find the soft spot.
Mmm.
And it's in and up.
Uh-uh.
Ooh! Uh-oh ~ Mmm.
~ Ugh.
Ooh, you've got a lovely action there, Dave.
~ Uh-Uh.
~ Now, if it doesn't come easily ~ Uh-uh.
.
.
you're going to have to keep at it.
~ Ooh! ~ Uh-uh.
~ Oooh.
~ Uh-uh.
~ Oh! Right.
There we go, Charlie.
It's £2, then.
OK, everybody who wants your first aid certificates, can you go and see Mr Fazackerly, please? He's a part-qualified accountant, all bona fide.
It is £2, just to cover the printing costs, then he'll e-mail it to you.
Oh, Dave, I've still got your elephant.
Sorry, I've bent the trunk a little bit.
~ Erm, could I pop and see Mr F? ~ Yeah, go and knock him up.
He always likes a bit of female company, even if it is from a minger.
Not that you're a minger, is she Dave? Dave, Dave, could I have the dog walking money a bit early this week? Yeah, sure.
Tomorrow all right? Don't forget it's £12 now for pedigrees.
She's not pedigree, she's a Labradoodle.
Exactly.
£10 for the lab, two for the doodle.
Oh, yes, I'm sure I'll be able to manage this for you.
Oh, thank goodness.
Yes, I'm crewing for The Rear Commodore's team in the Wilson Trophy tomorrow.
I've got a dinner party for six and I haven't even jugged the hare.
So, as you can see, I'm in quite a fix and I've got another five bags at home.
~ So ~ Five? Oh, now hang on a minute.
Tony's got a lot on at the moment.
~ Well, obviously, as we discussed, there would be a fee ~ Even so.
Well, I'm sure we can come to some arrangement.
We pay £8 an hour.
~ We're not interested in money.
~ Ten? ~ What do you think, Tony? Could you squeeze the lady in? ~ Hmm.
~ 12? ~ All right, on this occasion, 16 and we've got a deal.
Oh, wonderful.
What a relief.
Oh, these are rather nice.
Oh Gorgeous colour, aren't they? ~ Mmm.
~ Yeah, now, I might have a 32AA.
Well, actually, I'm a 34B.
But do you have a 44G in this as well? I know my friend Suke at the sailing club would absolutely love one.
~ Very classy colour - oatmeal.
Fabulous.
~ Mmm.
Is Jasmine all right? Oh, love's young dream have gone for a walk.
Oh, well.
Thank you again and big kiss to Jasmine.
~ Has she gone? ~ You two, plan B.
A life on the ocean wave for me and you two are on doggy day care.
~ Am I old enough? ~ Well, at 16 you can have a gay bonk, get married and look after a pet, hopefully not at the same time.
But, Nana, we've got something special planned.
Well, cancel it.
I've got bigger fish to fry in the form of tummy-tuck and bum-lift pants.
You wouldn't be interested in any lingerie by any chance? ~ I've got all sizes.
36DD.
No, not interested? ~ No.
~ You're keeling.
Keep her flat.
~ Oh, bugger.
Sorry! Lady in the brown coat, excuse me? You don't need to try it on, I'm perfectly happy for you to take them with you.
Hi, sorry to bother you.
Erm I couldn't interest you in in any pants, could I? You sure? They're like a nice oatmeal colour.
You don't fancy a pair of gruel pants, do you? I've got a couple of items here.
I've got like an oatmeal, gruel, a tope? Couldn't interest you in a control pant? You don't need it, do you? Have you given up? Nice day, isn't it, for the sailing and that? ~ Hiya.
~ Enjoying it? ~ Your dog's nice.
Yeah, she's lovely, isn't she? Yeah.
Come on, babe, let's go to the island so we can be on our own.
We've had a terrific day! We're through! Oh, Charlie, no.
Tsk, tsk.
The red wine's breathing.
Excellent.
I'll start grilling the duck's hearts after I've had my bath.
I don't want to have itchy buttocks when we've got guests.
Oh, Ravi, when you've got a moment, there are some dry baked beetroot slices and wasabi peas that can go in the blue bowls.
Thanks.
HE SIGHS ~ Hiya.
~ Hi.
~ I just brought the Future'Z paperwork that our Tony's ~ done for Mrs Singh.
~ Oh, right.
~ And I do need to collect the next lot.
~ She won't be long.
Our Eron here? They're staying at yours, I thought? Oh, yeah.
We're like ships in the night at the moment.
MOBILE RINGS Nana V, for all your dogging needs.
Your dog's not back yet? Oh, no, no, no, no, I do know all about that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I just spoke to me grandson, actually, yeah.
He'll be dropping Bobbysox off any minute.
Not to worry.
Thanks, Mr Lakin.
Eron, son, where are you? I've got the day care owners breathing down my neck.
Call me, will you, yeah? Oh, Mrs Fazackerly.
Hello, Mrs Singh, yeah.
Nice clobber - peshwari naan? Here's the next batch for your husband.
Oh, is that my oatmeal lingerie? Mm-hm.
That'll be 17.
99.
DOORBELL RINGS What, you want me to go down the cash point for you? Oh, do you not have a card machine? ~ No.
~ I'm sorry, I can't give my pin number out to just anybody.
Then I will need to withhold the goods.
Coming.
Hello! Do come in.
Mwah.
Hey, tip-top work today.
~ Oh, thank you, David.
~ There you go.
~ Oh, you are naughty ~ Hello, V.
~ Hiya.
How was Charlie today? Oh, yeah, yeah, he was as good as gold, yeah.
I just dropped him off, actually, at your house now.
You're looking good, Captain Cook.
I see you made an effort.
~ Eh, I scrub up well.
~ Mmm, I remember.
DOORBELL RINGS Do come in.
Come through.
Hi, Suke.
Danielle! ~ Hiya.
~ Tim.
How's Liquorice getting on with the toilet training? She's doing really well.
~ She did do a poo on the bed, though.
~ Oh, she's coming on then.
Brought you a little something from the French Laundry at Napa.
It's a Frank Family pinot noir, which is Well, it's pretty decent.
Oh, wonderful, look at that.
~ Ravi, can you pop that in the cellar when you're going past? ~ Sure.
Great! Oh, Mrs Fazackerly, I'd love to invite you to join us, but I'm sure you've already eaten.
~ Erm ~ And we haven't got enough chairs.
Oh, you can sit on my lap, V.
I could sit on this.
Oh, no please be careful, that's a bridal chair from Laos.
Hmm.
Might be my lucky night, then.
So, what's for dinner then, able seaman? ~ GLASS SMASHES ~ Oh, no! ~ I paid £180 for that! ~ They saw you coming.
Charlie, sit.
So, our third course is grilled duck hearts with potato pillows.
So, the Beavers are in pole position.
Well done, you! Yay! Are you a sailor, Nana V? Hm.
I wouldn't say no to a ship's biscuit.
Yes, it's quite a challenge.
You have to be pretty nimble, ~ messing about on boats, don't you, Suke? ~ Yes.
She's like me.
Built-in buoyancy aids, eh? Yes, well you need to be pretty athletic.
Oh, not that I'm implying that I mean, I know you do a lot of dog walking.
You and me weigh about the same.
You're just very long.
A stretched out version of the same mass.
Do you think? ~ Would anyone like another potato pillow? ~ I won't.
~ I will.
~ They were very nice, you must give me the recipe.
Oh, it's very easy.
It's just braised in beeswax with a dollop of sea herb mouli.
Yes, I've had them at El Bulli.
These are a slightly different texture.
So he's ignoring the medical advice and going ahead with his bike tour.
Tony, I'm getting worried.
Where is he? And then, after Norway, they're heading down to France.
~ And that's our third leg.
~ You not heard anything, love? I've had to give the owners a load of flannel.
And there are 21 switchbacks up the Alpe D'Huez? Where are they? A mate of mine had a pulmonary embolism at 4,000 meters, so good luck! All right, love, yeah.
As soon as you hear anything, yeah? OK, bye, Tony, love.
~ You really going to do that? ~ Yeah.
Won't do your thighs any harm.
You got any bread with this, love? ~ Tim! ~ Sorry it's all taking so long.
Probably should all be getting our beauty sleep! Oh, I like to pull an all-nighter before a big race.
~ I remember.
~ It's probably why you never win.
~ Is that going begging, Mrs Beggs? ~ I'm terribly full.
~ Pass it over.
Oh, God, I've got to get this.
It's KL.
~ That's a reliable lubricant.
~ Kuala Lumpur.
Mmm.
Exactly.
Got to get this.
It's, erm Oh, it's a client.
It's three in the morning! Tony, yeah? That can't be Tony, is there something you're not telling me? ~ Pudding, everyone? ~ Ummmm Charlie? Charlie! ~ Oh, my God, he's choking to death.
~ Ravi, do something! What are we supposed to do? Dave knows the in and up better than anyone else.
Oh, was that a wasabi pea? SHE SCREAMS Stop screaming, you hysterical woman! ~ The dogs are stranded in the estuary! ~ Where's Jasmine? And the kids! SHE SCREAMS They've been there all night.
They must be frozen.
I can think of ways in which they could keep warm.
~ There they are! ~ Nana! Over here! Jasmine! ~ I'll try and pull in ~ Where's Charlie Wilson? Charlie?! Where's my dog?! She's over there! She's ran off! ~ We're so sorry! ~ We couldn't catch her! ~ The tide's racing.
~ The dog could drown, Dave, unless we can get in quick.
Oh, shut up, V, this is all your fault.
Oh, you don't need to tell me that, Dave! It doesn't help that your daughter is as thick as a cocoa room cup.
What? You've put her in grave danger! ~ We're so sorry! ~ Nana! ~ I called this wrong.
~ I can't bring her in over the rocks.
~ Right, Dave, you go and pick up the kids.
~ What? I'm going to swim in on the tide.
What are you trying to achieve? It's only a bloody dog! Don't worry, Jasmine, mummy's on her way! I'm coming, Charlie.
I'm coming! Charlie, Charlie! Come on, girlie.
Come on, Nana's come for you.
Come on, Charlie.
Come on, girl.
Aww.
Come on.
Come on, baby.
You're terrified.
You been drinking sea water? Throwing up? Shitting yourself? Come to Nana.
Come to Nana.
I could kill you.
Fair play.
~ You love that dog more than you love any of your lady friends.
~ You're right, there.
Well, I know where you're coming from.
I grew up in children's' homes, so Why'd you chuck me? I wanted to get in there first.
~ Here's your tea.
~ People, eh? You can't trust em.
I'll drink to that.
And so will Charlie, won't you, girl, eh? You know what you could do with? ~ Some of my first aid kits here.
~ And last but not least.
Oh, thank you so much.
Did you say your name was David? ~ Just call me Dave.
~ Dave, thank you.
HORN BLARES Right, Naomi.
Ready to race? Come on.
Congratulations to the winners The Arrow Park Portnoy-Noars.
And the runners up this year for the 18th time, Captained by Dave Wilson, the Beacon Beavers.
You did your ancestors proud, well done.
~ Thank you very much.
~ Very good.
Don't they? Don't they say my name? David, wasn't it wonderful we hit that north-westerly? ~ We really had the edge.
~ We did indeed.
~ Very impressive.
~ I didn't know you could teach an old dog new tricks ~ Tim! I'm not saying, you know, you're an old dog, obviously.
~ Dead nice dress, Naomi.
~ Oh, thank you.
Very brave choice, matches the chairs.
Oh, here comes that bloody woman who nearly drowned Jasmine.
Oh, hello, Charlie dog.
Ah You look like you've recovered.
~ All right, V? ~ Ah, Dave Listen, I won't charge you for Charlie's day care yesterday, obviously, but could I have the previous £12, please? You are joking? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, course I am, yeah.
SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY Got you there.
Oh, just hand it over, Dave.
Very sexy, the oatmeal lingerie.
Thanks, Dave.
I must pay you.
I love mine.
I was showing the Rear Commodore when he came round to mine for a cup of tea.
Thank you.
There you go.
Well worth it.
Oh, Mrs Singh.
Got your 32AA here.
Er, no, I think I've had a bit of a rethink, actually, having seen it on you.
It's rather pallid.
Well, can I have Tony's wages then, please? Oh, no, you'll need to invoice Future'Z Head Office for those.
Yes.
It should be in your account within 90 days.
~ Charlie! ~ Charlie! Ah.
You had me worried.
What took you so long? ~ I went via The Cottage Loaf.
~ Oh HE LAUGHS And the shops! Oh, you're a wonder.
I was wasting away here.
Got a meat feast whole rotisserie chicken, two bag of cod and big chips.
Think I've got a biryani somewhere.
~ Oh, here we go.
~ Something in a black bean sauce.
~ Marvellous.
~ Ah, No Name, would you like a little bit of chicken? There's a good dog.
Wait.
Good girl, eat it.
Tone, that's the upside of porridge week - you've lost weight.
You'll be out of this van before you can say Gina Lollobrigida.
Hand it over, love, I'll take it into Milton's in the morning.
Well As we're nearly out the woods I could keep it on for now.