Q-Force (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

1
Q-Force is going into the field!
Field trip!
Who's ready to infiltrate
a uranium mine in Wyoming?
This team is ready!
I was so excited last night,
I only got nine hours of sleep.
K, these two trunks are just shoes.
Do you think
we'll be tap dancing and line dancing?
Can we drive past Area 51?
There's an alien there
I really owe an apology to.
Oh, we're not driving anywhere.
We are going to fly there
in our very own jet!
You get a jet!
You get a jet! You get a jet!
Ah, shut up. It's so early.
Ah. Forgot all about you.
I guess you get a jet, too.
Well, off we go on
our very first mission in a real spy jet.
After ten years of tireless preparation,
we are officially in the game.
The fuck is that?
Okay, so it's not pretty,
but it's a jet and it's ours.
Yeah, totally.
Can I put some bronzer
and lip gloss on it before we take off?
Welcome to Twink Air,
where the only thing
thinner than the air is me.
Can I offer anyone an in-flight magazine?
Jenna Elfman is on the cover!
Congratulations on your
first field mission, Q-Force.
You'll be infiltrating the town
of Backache, Wyoming.
Former home of the world's biggest
ball of yarn, current home to crime.
- Ooh, crime.
- What happened to the yarn?
Your mission, find the leak
at the uranium mine and plug it.
Should be fun
for any of you tops on board!
On it!
What?
Call me Miss Congeniality, honey,
'cause I'm a femme top with a gun.
You guys don't need to do anything.
Sit back and watch.
I could top a mission
like this in my sleep.
Uh, hold up on the orders.
I'm the head of Q-Force.
I'm lead, and for the record,
I'm vers 'cause I'm a grown-up.
Actually, Mary,
Buck's right. He's in charge today.
That's ridiculous.
I graduated first in my class.
I can run a simple recon mission.
Cut! You'll handle
what I tell you to handle.
Buck's only been
in our squad for three days
and already his pubic hairs
are all over the microwave.
I'm the man for this job
and everyone knows it.
Every mission needs a leader
with actual experience.
Mary, fall in line.
Aw. You gonna cry?
You see, this is why
you can't work in the field. I never cry.
I just have
a heart attack every two years.
No, I'm not gonna cry.
The only thing that makes me cry
is that one Rita Wilson scene
in Sleepless in Seattle where she
Wait, shit.
God, everyone look
at the back of the plane!
You're such a loser, Mar-bear.
Okay, it obviously sucks
that Buck's the boss today,
but maybe V has a point.
I don't know. She usually does,
so let's see what
all this wonderful experience gets us.
Creamers don't expire, right?
No, right?
Clean country air.
That's tree cum.
It's tree cum you're smelling.
And now I wish I only had to breathe out.
Mary and I will head up that mountain
to the mine and you chicks stay down here
and wait for us. I don't know. Buck out.
You're kidding, right?
That's the stupidest plan I've ever heard.
I'd have
the rest of the team do recon in town.
We've been running undercover simulations
of missions exactly like this
in West Hollywood for years.
This isn't a simulation.
It's a real mission,
and this isn't West Hollywood.
It's Wyoming.
So for those reasons and more,
everything you just said is like, "Durr."
We're supposed to figure out
who's stealing uranium, right?
So let us go undercover as a news team.
I'm sound, Stat's camera person,
and Twink's a reporter.
The most famous
reporter of all time,
Erin Brockovich
from the movie Erin Brockovich.
I don't think
that's what Erin Brockovich is about.
Yeah-huh. Erin Brockovich is a reporter,
and then she talks to the people
and wins the movie.
It's in my top five favorite movies
about hexavalent chromium.
Your team's idea of doing surveillance is
dressing up and putting on a little play?
Have you ever tried putting on a play?
The little ones are the hardest.
Look, they can't just sit around
and do nothing.
Fine. Go to the town square,
ask some questions,
but don't make it a whole thing.
Mary, let's go.
Yah!
Yah! I said yah!
Hey, dumbfuck.
Maybe if you stop kicking
the horse in its kidneys,
it'll be able to concentrate on walking.
Oh, what is this? Horse class?
I got an A-plus in horse class,
and I seem to recall you rupturing
your taint at the dressage final.
Well, they put it back together
way stronger, so shut up.
Hello, sir. I'm Erin Brockovich.
The reporter? From the movies?
Mmm-hmm. Not a reporter.
I'm doing an investigation
as is typical for reporters like me.
Have you noticed
anything unusual around town?
Well, the street signs
keep getting blurrier.
Mmm. And why do you think that is?
Obama!
Also, the pharmacy changed my medicine.
It's salty now.
Stat! Twink's over there.
Yeah, but there's a Taco Time over there.
You can't get serious
fast food like that in LA.
In-N-Out's a fucking joke.
Did you know they use real lettuce?
Look, I'll admit this isn't going amazing,
but we're gathering
intelligence right now.
My knee hurts.
That's also probably Obama's fault. Yeah.
You call this intelligence?
I hacked NORAD.
I have France's nuclear codes
tattooed on my neck.
Got all the intelligence
I need, Deb, my man.
What I don't have is
a throat full of molten queso right now.
Look, maybe Buck was right.
Okay, now I know you're crazy.
Buck ain't right about shit.
Now go get your pick-me-up
and I'll get mine, too.
Debbie-bear!
Did the Pep Boys crew have a safe flight?
Bad turbulence, but the pilot,
who was not me, handled it like a pro.
I'm so glad Mary decided to bring you
to this catalytic converter convention.
How's Denver?
Hard to be in a city
with this much green chili without you,
but it's going okay.
Only thing is we got
this new assistant manager, Buck,
and he doesn't
have faith in me or my team at all.
I'm all in my head, babe.
This motherfucker's
a real Doubtin' Dorothy.
Babe, the first time
I ever saw you in Palm Springs,
mixing your own sunscreen
at the hotel salad bar,
I said to myself, "That's the most
competent woman you'll ever meet."
Keep working hard.
He'll see your value just like I did.
I love you, Pammy-cakes.
You always know exactly what to say.
Howdy. You boys took long enough.
My name is Ennis, crew chief.
I'm Buck.
This is Mar Steve.
Steve and Buck.
Two men's names,
and we're both big-time straight.
Where are the other miners?
Corporation laid 'em all off.
Whole town lost their jobs. Damn shame.
You mine all the uranium yourself?
Got robots to do that.
I keep the robots running.
Let me show you.
We got extractor robots, crusher robots,
transport robots.
Go on! Get!
Excuse me, fellas.
Well, that's clearly the bad guy.
There's no one else here.
Agent Buck solves another case.
What are you
Just because he's the only person here
doesn't mean he's the bad guy.
I wouldn't shoot him.
I would pump him for info.
Well, sorry, honey.
Murder's on the menu and Daddy's hungry.
Eat that, moron.
I'm not gonna let you kill someone
and fuck up my first big mission.
Besides, this place
is full of security cameras.
I'll go find the security footage.
Put your gun back together.
Should take you a couple of hours.
Authorized personnel only.
Shit!
But it wasn't
Frances McDormand I saw in the shop.
- It was just a woman.
- Cool.
Uh Okay, again,
my question was do you work at the mine?
Oh, no, I call in to radio giveaways
full-time and collect piles of newspaper.
- Cut!
- Damn it! Another dead end!
But we can't give up now.
Come on, we're too damn good.
We just gotta follow our guts.
I had my gut removed
to fit in my waist trainer.
Well, my gut says
if I was a laid-off miner living in a town
like this with nothing else to do,
I'd be at the bowling alley
24-motherfucking-7.
Thank you, lesbian Spidey-sense.
Our badges don't work
in the security room. We need Ennis'.
Then I'll gain his trust and steal it.
Keep quiet. I don't want him to hear
the musical theater in your voice.
So these are the bunks.
Me, I don't need much,
just a hole to mine, a brew to drink
and a game to watch. Know what I mean?
We ain't got none of that,
just a shower and a terlet.
If you'll excuse me,
I got to use one of 'em.
Hey, great spying so far, but you've
missed something super important.
Good thing I'm here
to tell you what it is. Ennis is gay.
Ennis, gay. Who's next?
Olympic skier Gus Kenworthy? Fuck you.
What are you
The clues are everywhere.
A DVD box set of Sex and the City,
the Bollywood version
of Shania Twain's Up! album.
What about this sexy lady?
That's a young Sela Ward
and it's a poster promoting literacy!
Oh, my God, you're right.
Okay, so he's gay. So what?
All we need is the security footage.
Uh, hmm
Okay, here's the new plan.
I'll have to seduce him.
Gay guys love me.
I'm like Pink, the singer.
No, moron. I should seduce him.
I have gay sex with gay men often.
The smart move is to step aside
and have me do the seduction.
Been in the field for ten years
and I've never made the smart move.
Follow my lead. That's an order.
Can I help you?
I know what you're thinking.
We ain't from around here!
That is verbatim what I was thinking.
I'm Deb. You work up at the mine?
Not anymore. We were all laid off.
So you're all disgruntled ex-miners
hanging around the town
owned by the corporation
that destroyed your way of life?
You sure ask one long question.
They're gonna kill us for our reporting,
just like they killed Erin Brockovich.
She died, right?
That's the reservoir.
Those are some rocks.
That about covers it.
Jeez. I feel so hot in all these clothes.
I just want to cool off.
Hey! Come on in!
The water's thick?
Because that's radioactive
runoff from the mine.
We gotta quarantine you now
or we're all going to get cancer.
Twenty-four hours in there,
he'll be good as new.
If his skin don't melt off.
Okay, so temporary setback.
I can use your body cam and
comm-link to run things from this unit.
Yeah, no.
- Go for V.
- So, some news. Buck is down.
Step one, burn the body.
I'll activate Vengeance Protocol.
No! He's alive, just incapacitated.
He was trying to make a gay man horny
and dove into a radioactive reservoir.
- He'll be out of commission for 24 hours.
- Oh, damn it, Buck.
You can't pander
to the gays. They can smell it.
You're acting like Citibank at Pride.
Well, thanks for the update.
You're point now, but make sure
to coordinate with the Toxic Avenger.
Sorry, Congress. You were saying?
Well, the world finally makes sense.
I'm in charge and you're in a cage.
Plus your Make-A-Wish came true.
You get to fuck that dude.
The fate of the world depends on it.
Then the fate of the world
is in strong and supple hands.
Let me offer you some sex advice.
What you're gonna wanna do is
I don't want advice from you.
Your methods almost got you killed.
You sure? I hold the agency record
for most fucks on a single mission.
Nine times in Havana.
And I hold the agency record for
not wanting to hear this story the most.
Bye, Buck.
Good luck not dying. I got it from here!
Sorry about your friend.
But I'm also glad.
He talks too much.
I'll keep quiet.
I'm just here to mine.
If I can do anything else
for you, just let me know.
The way you fill out those coveralls,
it's a wonder any uranium
gets mined around here at all.
Huh?
You ever wonder how deep the shaft goes?
It goes down 1,300 feet.
It's my job to know.
Oh, really? And how far down do you go?
Well, 1,300 feet when I gotta clean out
the bottom of the shaft, that is.
That's so hot.
What are you doing? We're at work.
Sex and work don't mix.
Ain't you seen Ally McBeal?
Oh, shit.
Who sent you?
Wait, you look familiar.
Oh.
Do you follow my OnlyFan I mean, yes.
I'm Erin Brockovich.
Ain't you a lawyer? I hate lawyers.
She ain't a lawyer.
She's a news lady, from the movie.
She saves them cancer kids
from a Mystic Pizza or something.
It's true. We're investigative journalists
committed to giving
the underdog a fair shake.
We heard about your, uh
bowling army.
- You came to do a story about our militia?
- Yes, we did. Roll camera, please.
Ex-miner, in your own words,
tell us your bad, ugly story.
Well, we worked
in that mine all our lives,
then some shady company
bought it and fired us.
Replaced us with robots.
Now, we're looking for
a little something we call revenge.
We are shoo-ins
for a regional Emmy.
This is
an amazing Melissa compound.
You guys should be proud.
Honestly, we are proud.
Everyone else failed us.
Mining company, federal government.
We're going to blow it all up
and rebrand Backache
as a quaint little getaway destination.
Think the Poconos
without the '80s decor and the cum stains.
Over there,
there's the Reiki hut, some sound baths,
crystal grotto, my idea.
She showed us
everything except for the yurt.
Think she's hiding something in there?
Probably heavily inbred conjoined twins.
Small town, small gene pool.
It's bound to happen.
We have him in our sights.
Are we authorized to take the shot?
Oops. Hold on, Death Squad Nine.
- What is it, Mary?
- I need your help.
I have to seduce an enemy agent,
but my signature blend
of affected confidence and body of a God
isn't sealing the deal.
Mary, I haven't had to do that
in years. You need to talk to Buck.
Um Yeah, pass.
Buck's a great spy
and even better at spy sex. I should know.
I was his spy-sex instructor
at the Academy.
He's like
the Energizer Bunny, great at sex.
Ew. Stop it! Wait, spy sex was a class?
Why did I take, like, French?
Mary, being a great spy means
working with people you hate sometimes.
Like me and my assistant JJ.
Absolutely hate her.
Her whole vibe makes me sick.
But Buck didn't ask me for my help
when he was running things.
Don't be like Buck. Be better than him.
You're always talking
about how great you are,
how you need the opportunity
to prove it. Well, here it is, kid.
You gonna fuck it up or not?
Okay, fine. You're right.
I'll consult Buck about sex.
Attaboy. Talk soon.
Okay, kill the prince.
Well, look who came crawling back.
- Jesus, can you cover your penis, please?
- What, are you jealous?
Worried, actually.
I've never seen anyone
half-circumcised before.
The other half's in Shanghai, baby.
Mission-related casualty.
You wouldn't understand.
I've tried to seduce Ennis once,
and he turned me down,
which literally makes no sense.
I mean, look at this ass.
I can't fail again.
Give me your dumbass advice now.
Please.
Oh, Mary.
I don't like you,
and not because you're, you know
A pterodactyl?
It's 'cause you're arrogant.
I know you were first in our class,
but you haven't done anything since then.
Okay. So what techniques have you learned
from "all the spy sex" you've had?
It's not about techniques.
You can't plan these things.
You need to be in the moment,
finding your sex opportunity,
and fuck it till dunzo.
The spy shit will follow. Here, take this.
An official agency sex watch.
I've never seen one of these in person.
It contains everything you need
for a night of throbbing spy work.
First button's Viagra,
second button is lube,
third button dispenses
one very long spaghetti.
Wait, why would I need spaghetti?
You've never Lady and the Tramp-ed?
Oh, brother, we're in trouble.
Whatever's in that yurt
has to be big.
- Maybe it's the stolen uranium.
- How do we get them to show us?
What would Erin Brockovich
do in this situation?
- Should I put on a tank top?
- Wait.
I was reviewing the day's footage.
There's something you should see.
Did you see it?
Yeah, he had
a really gross skin tag on his ear.
You talked about it all through lunch.
No, behind the awesome skin tag.
The Hardie's trucks.
They only have Hardie's
in eastern Wyoming.
We're in Karl's Jr. country. There's
no reason for Hardie's trucks to be here.
I think that fleet of trucks
was smuggling something.
Like uranium?
You know about this?
So the militia isn't stealing
uranium from the mine?
Oh, heavens, no. We wouldn't steal.
But whoever is stealing the uranium
is just another shady part
of the power structure
that's screwing over the workers.
That's why we're gonna
blow the whole mine up.
Oh. So earlier when you said you
wanted to blow it all up and start over,
you weren't being metaphorical.
No, yeah, we're literally gonna
blow the mine. In, like, two hours.
Get ready, should be fun.
#girlboss!
Mary's inside that mine!
I'll deal with the militia,
you two get to town and find those trucks.
Okay, can we do this fast?
'Cause she's got 20 minutes
left on this tuck, babe.
God damn it, Mary! Pick up the phone!
Relax. Relax, just be in the moment.
You were first in your class,
now be first in his ass.
This homo's a romantic.
I was too forward before.
Nice spread.
I just feel like a night this beautiful
on a mountain this beautiful
deserves a beautiful celebration.
Well, I sure do agree. This is perfect.
But there might be one head of livestock
that needs to get let out of its pen.
Which Oh, the livestock in your pants.
You mean your dick. Copy that.
I'm gay.
Yeah, I know.
Go back to sleep.
All that buckin'
made this bronco a little hungry.
Maybe I'll rustle us up some beans.
The robots are stealing the uranium!
They were pulling an inside job
while I was giving Ennis one!
Emergency squad meeting.
TLDR, I just fucked my first mark,
which was fun. I'm super good at sex
even when it's for work.
Bad news is the robots
weren't put here to work in the mine.
They're part of the secret plot
to steal the uranium!
Yeah, and that's only
half of the bad news.
We infiltrated a militia that's set
to blow the whole mountain sky high!
You need to get out of there, now!
What's the plan?
Stat, Twink, get to where those robots
are going and grab whatever you can.
Whoever's meeting them will be heavily
armed, so be careful. Get in and get out.
If Twink and I can snag one of the robots,
the programming code
may tell us what we need to know.
It's starting!
I gotta get Agent Buck.
Do you have to?
Pretty sure the AIA
has a lot more like him.
I know! It's like, who's doing
their recruiting? Sean Cody?
- Right?
- Plus, it's not like he'd save us.
Well, we're not him. We're Q-Force,
and together we are greater
than the sum of our parts.
The thing about being queer is
Yeah, Pride, chosen family. We get it!
The bombs, bitch! Let's go!
Right, very good. Mary out.
What's going on?
I'm saving your life!
No, you're touching my sack.
Steve! Wait!
Okay, let's show everyone
the other thing my big, strong ass is for.
Close the back!
Hey! Is that
that lady from Ocean's Twelve?
They're called boobs, Ed.
You gotta believe me.
I had no idea those robots
were stealing the uranium.
I never even
went in that room. I swear to Christ.
I believe you, Ennis.
I'm sorry I lied to you.
But the time we shared was beautiful.
This near-death experience
put some things into focus for me.
It's time for me to get real,
move back to Cincinnati,
and finish my operetta.
Not what I thought you were gonna say.
So, do you want to marry me?
I don't. So sorry, hon. Bye-bye.
Then why did we fight for the right?
We did so much damn marchin'!
Guys, we just faced our first real test
as a spy unit and we all stepped up!
For a decade, we've been saying we could
handle a real mission. We just proved it.
I'm so proud of this incredible team.
Oh. Hey, boss.
Got a status update for me?
Did you, uh, "seal the deal"?
Thoroughly.
Other than that, the mine
was destroyed, but Agent Buck is safe.
I recovered some of the stolen uranium,
and we've got a copy
of the robot source code,
so we'll definitely
get to the bottom of this.
It's not exactly
the outcome you expected, but
It wasn't clean, but you got the job done.
Sex in a nutshell.
I hope you learned a lesson here, Mary.
I was right at the beginning,
I'm right now,
and I'm always gonna be right.
Lesson learned. Always listen to V.
I don't wanna keep you.
I know you got so much going on.
No, no, I've always got time for you.
You know, this chapter
of your life out in the field,
saving the world with your squad,
this is the best it's ever gonna get.
- You're gonna miss it when it's over.
- Do you miss it?
I do.
Enjoy what you've got
while you've still got it.
I'll try. Night, V.
This is nuts, isn't it, Deb?
Like, we're the first
queer agents in the field ever.
I feel so much pressure to show
I'm the best because if I mess up,
I don't know if anyone else
like us will ever get a chance.
Uh-huh. Hey, why don't you try
being a Black woman for five seconds?
Oh, my God, I'd love to,
but wouldn't I get in trouble?
Anyway, I can't wait to get home.
I haven't been away from Pam
for more than nine hours since we met.
She's gonna be so happy to see you.
As long as she remembered
to put her eyedrops in,
otherwise she ain't seein' shit.
Pammy! Guess who's home?
The fuck is goin' on?
"You took our uranium,
so we took your wife."
"Bring the goods and meet us
at these coordinates or she dies."
Oh, my wife!