Queen America (2018) s01e03 Episode Script

-Previously on -Where is that gorgeous niece of mine? -Hey, Aunt Vicki.
-She was totally ungrateful.
-The new Miss Oklahoma U.
S.
is Hayley Wilson from Tulsa! -I can't believe it! -Hayley Wilson was arrested in connection with a drunk-driving incident.
-Samantha Cole will be the new Miss Oklahoma.
-Samantha Cole won't stand a chance at Nationals.
She'll bring shame on the entire state.
-Ohh! -I only coach girls I believe in.
-I want this more than anything.
I'm actually really dizzy.
-Don't worry about it.
-What the hell do you think you're doing? -Oww! -And you never come within ten feet of my client again.
-Did you call me your client? -Hey, don't beauty queens have like servants to pack their bags for them? -Make sure Dad fixes his car or those brakes are just gonna give out on him.
And make him eat.
-Ah, I'm gonna go say bye to Dad.
-He worked the two a.
m.
shift.
Don't be a retard.
-You really shouldn't say "retard," okay, it ain't PC.
-Oh Jesus.
Don't act superior just 'cause someone gave you a fake crown.
-I'm not trying to act superior.
-That's probably worth about 30 bucks.
-You know what, just forget that I said anything.
-What's all the noise? -Sorry, Dad.
Just getting etiquette lessons from Princess Diana here.
-I gotta go, they're gonna leave me.
-What, these people can't even come inside? -She probably doesn't want them to see the place, Dad.
-That's not true.
-I picked up most of the crap in the den, it's not too bad out there.
-It's not that, they're just in a hurry, okay? I'll call when I get there.
-Bye, sweetie.
-Oh, my God.
-Where's Vicki? -Oh, God, God! God! Wait, I'm not done with you yet.
Oww! God! -Sorry, hon, but I'm running late.
And today's gonna be a train wreck.
I'd just rather get it over with.
-All right.
Hey, buddy.
You been there the whole time? Yeah.
-Jesus Christ! -Here it is.
Sorry about this place, but the board makes all the crown holders live here.
We keep begging them to update it.
-Are you kidding me? I can't believe I get to live here.
-Aw.
That's cute almost.
-This meal plan tells you when and what to eat.
Don't eat anything unless it's written on here.
You will have protein shakes with breakfast and lunch.
And obviously no dairy.
-Or what? -Or you're sixth runner-up.
-Oh, okay, then.
-What did I just say? -These are your only two dresses? -Uh, my only fancy ones.
-We'll have to go shopping.
First we need to get you to Vicki.
Do I have to do this with everyone watching? -Samantha, you act like you've never stood nude in front of strangers before.
Can you contour the butt? It needs to look a little fuller.
And cover that thigh dimple.
-This one? -Huh? Oh.
I didn't notice that one before, but yeah, that one too.
Stop moving around or you're gonna be all splotchy for the gala tomorrow night.
And you're supposed to be the goddamn guest of honor.
I had my way, I'd smuggle you to Ponca City for the next two weeks, put you in intense training, no communication with the outside world.
But I can't.
This gala will be full of sponsors and we need them.
-About that, we're starting at ground zero with wardrobe.
-Just come to my house at 5:00 tonight.
You can borrow something.
Now, before we do anything else, we need to find you a new platform.
I don't know why you thought sex slavery was a good idea.
-No, I'm anti-sex slavery.
I'm totally against it.
That's kind of like my whole thing.
-Can we turn the heat up? -No.
-Now, the key is finding an issue that garners empathy without making people miserable whenever you talk about it.
-What about global warming? -Popular, but boring.
-It really has been done to death.
-Okay.
Well, what do you guys think about gun control? -Oh, Jesus.
-Do you want to be chased off the stage with a pitchfork? -How about access to exercise equipment in prisons? -Interesting idea.
We'll discuss this later.
Oh, baby.
Nigel.
I need some lunch.
-Oh good, I'm starving.
-You're not eating yet.
You're doing squats.
-This week in the Miss America Starred and Striped United States Pageant, we have our new Miss Oklahoma U.
S.
, Samantha Cole.
According to Samantha's bio, her passions include bike riding and horses.
So that should be interesting.
-Maybe this is it, Nigel.
I've had a good run.
But this girl might break me.
-As soon as we got to downtown this morning, she put her head out the window, like a dog.
-Vicki? Vicki Ellis? -Corinne.
You look gorgeous.
-Vicki, you remember my daughter, Avery.
I would love for you to meet with her sometime.
-Hi there, sweetie.
How old are you? -I'll be 12 this September.
-Send her to me when she's 13, but in the meantime, get her into speech therapy to correct that sibilant "S.
" -Thank you so much.
That was great, honey.
Here's Daddy.
-See? I know exactly what to do with that girl.
I don't even know where to start with Samantha.
-You probably don't want to hear it, but there is someone who could help.
-You're right.
I don't want to hear it.
-If you just put your ego aside for half a second and called her-- -Drop it.
Nigel, stop.
-Regina.
We need Regina's help.
-You know I was gonna pay for this lunch, now you are.
-I don't want to work with her any more than you do, but you and I have come too far to get laughed off the stage in Atlantic City.
Regina knows every sponsor in Oklahoma.
If she takes an interest in Samantha, she could at least make a few calls for us.
-I have never relied on sponsors.
-Samantha isn't like your other clients.
She has no wardrobe, zero travel budget.
You've never had a girl like this.
-Oh, and Regina has? -She had you.
-I swore I'd never ask for her help again.
-Fine.
-It's Val.
Leave a message.
-Hey, uh, it's Sam.
Just calling to tell you I moved into my new place in Tulsa today.
Um It's super fancy.
And everybody's great, my new coach is really smart.
I mean, some of the people are kind of intense, but they're all trying to be helpful.
Yeah, I know I'm gonna learn a lot.
Anyway I wish you could come visit sometime.
I've got a pull-out sofa.
Tulsa's so pretty, Mom.
You'd love it.
Anyway, I hope you're good.
-Regina.
-Victoria.
-I don't know how many times I have to tell you, but that has never been my name.
-I know that, dear.
I just can't believe someone actually named a baby "Vicki.
" Oh.
So I'm ready.
I assume you're here to apologize? -If you're referring to what happened at Oakwood Grove last year, then no.
I have nothing to apologize for.
-I had completely forgotten about that.
Thank you so much for reminding me.
But no, I'm actually referring to your behavior at Kim Batow's 50th.
-That was self defense.
-Tell that to Kim.
-Listen I need to speak to you about something serious.
I need your help.
With Samantha Cole.
-What a mess.
It's all anyone can talk about.
-I don't know if I'll be able to get her ready in time, and we've already lost a third of our sponsors after the Hayley incident.
-Just to clarify.
What you're doing right now, this is you begging, yes? -Yes.
-How lovely.
-Listen, it could be fun for you; I know how much you love a challenge.
-That is true.
Otherwise, I never would have taken you on back in the day.
-You're always so funny.
-You know, sometimes I think the stress of training you caused me to have that miscarriage in '85.
-Right, well, Samantha's much worse than I was.
-I doubt that.
But it does sound exciting.
-I really think it could be.
-Unfortunately, my answer is no.
-What? Why? -I'm retired.
Besides, I'm gonna be dead in a couple of months anyway.
Long before Nationals.
-What do you mean? Are you sick? -How would you feel if I said yes? -Oh my God, Regina.
-Well, I'm not sick, but I've been thinking about it, and I think I might just kill myself before the next change of season.
I've had a good life, but I'm done getting older.
-You could have just said no.
-I believe I did.
-You are, as always, a magnificent bitch from hell.
-Thank you.
-Aunt Vicki's gonna be so mad that we didn't call first.
She hates surprises.
-I did call.
Several times.
She just doesn't pick up her goddamn phone.
-I bet she's gonna get that angry forehead vein.
-Well, I need to speak to her about something, so I guess I'm just gonna have to brave the tantrum.
Hey.
How about we stop at SeΓ±orita's Tacos for a little pre-dinner snack? -I slipped you a free churro.
I love churros.
-Me too.
-And I gave those girls the soggy nachos we save just for assholes.
Hey, you go to OSU? -Oh, no.
I borrowed this.
-Oh, well, I went there.
-Oh.
I, uh I go to Tulsa.
The university.
-I'm sure we can find you something.
-Oh, my God! Wow.
-Here.
Read this tonight and see if anything sparks with you.
Now I think this would look great with your coloring.
Here.
-Thank you so much for doing this.
-Do you have any jewelry? -Uh not really.
Just this necklace I have on.
It was my mom's but she gave it to me.
-It technically is not jewelry if it turns your skin green.
Ready? -Mm-hmm.
-Breathe in.
-Hi.
I tried calling like a hundred times, but Oh my.
-Hi.
-This is my client, Samantha.
Samantha, this is Katie and Bella.
-Her sister and her niece.
-I was getting to that.
Hey, Bella.
Well, unfortunately we were just in the middle of something.
-Yes, I can see that.
I need to speak to you alone.
Do you make that girl dress like that all the time? -You can't just show up here unexpected, Katie.
-I tried calling.
You didn't answer the phone.
-Well, the last time I saw you, you punched me in my face.
-That's why I'm here.
To apologize.
-Really? -Yeah, really.
-Hmm.
-Does she always make you dress like that? -Oh.
We were just tryin' stuff on.
I didn't know Vicki had a niece.
Y'all kind of look alike.
-Funny.
-What? -Oh, no, I wasn't-- -Forget it.
What is this? -Oh, uh Vicki's helping me study.
I have to be able to talk about all these social issues.
-Can I see it? While you're wearing a tiara? Isn't that a little embarrassing? -It won't be if I get a $50,000 scholarship.
-You know, we have this world issues class at school.
You know, we deal with social issues, that sort of thing.
-Oh, really? That sounds cool.
-Yeah.
And obviously we've been talking all about the civil war in Brussels.
What do you think about it? -Oh I don't know much about it, um but from what I've heard, it sounds terrible.
-I know.
And can you believe what they're doing to the women? -Sex slavery? -Amongst other things.
-Well? I'm waiting for this alleged apology.
-I just said I'm here to apologize.
-That's not an apology.
That's the announcement of a forthcoming apology.
-Fine.
I'm not here to apologize.
-You are unbelievable.
-I have to ask a favor.
And you are the last person I want to ask for a favor, so believe me when I say, this is me at my last resort.
It's a job listing.
A woman named Marcia Woodhouse posted it.
And I thought I heard you talk about her before.
You know her, right? -Yeah, of course, I know Marcia.
She owns a fantastic boutique on Brookside.
But this is for a housekeeping job.
I thought you were working at that car dealership, at the front desk.
-It closed a few weeks ago.
It's not a big deal.
The owner's wife set me up with a lady in Bristow who needed a cleaner.
But it's only three days a week.
-Wait.
So you've been cleaning houses in Bristow? -Well, nobody in Okmulgee pays you to clean their houses, Vicki.
In Okmulgee, you don't pay anybody to do shit you can do for yourself.
-But isn't there something else you'd rather do? Like another front desk job? -Well, half the businesses that even have front desks are closing.
Besides, I don't like talking to people every day.
-That's just normal human life, Katie.
-Not when you're cleaning houses.
When you're cleaning houses you're talking to plants, or maybe a pet or two, but you're not really talking that much to people.
They sort of pretend you're not there.
-And that's a good thing? -For me it is.
-That's just depressing.
-Why Why is this so hard for you? I never ask you for help.
-I want to help you.
I just think that you're better than cleaning other people's houses.
-Let me ask you something.
Do you pay someone to clean this house? -That's different.
It's a fine job for some people.
Katie, wait.
You don't have to go.
I barely even got to see Bella.
-Come on, Bella.
We're leaving.
-We can talk about this.
I'll order some takeout.
-Oh, good, I'm starving! -You're not allowed restaurant food.
-We're not even hungry anyway.
We already had SeΓ±orita Tacos.
It was grade-D meat, and we loved it.
-My family fights a lot too.
-Samantha, one thing you'll figure out during our training is that, although learning how to speak well is important, learning when not to speak at all is even more so.
Now Let's find you some jewelry that doesn't look like you won it at an arcade.
-I wish I didn't have to go to this gala.
-Yeah, I should get going too.
I have to get Avery to speech therapy.
I didn't even know she had a speech impediment, and now I have to spend $600 a week to fix it.
-I'd go with the blue one.
-And you'd be wrong.
When do I get to see you again? -Well my fake gym offers fake spin classes every day, so Tomorrow? Marcia? Hi.
Vicki Ellis.
-Vicki.
I was gonna call you.
We just got the Stella McCartney spring line in.
-Great.
I'll make sure to come in next week.
But actually I was calling you because I heard you were looking for a housekeeper.
-Oh, I am.
My last girl moved to Norman.
-Well, I happen to know someone.
She's super hard working.
She worked for a friend of mine in Bristow.
-I was wondering when we were gonna run into each other.
-S-sorry? -It's me.
Kelly Marsh.
Oklahoma 2014.
-Oh.
Hi.
Sorry, I didn't-- -It's okay.
I just did my hair differently so I feel like it's making it hard for people to recognize me.
So how is it going? -It's great.
It's a little overwhelming, but I'm sure in the long run it'll be worth it.
-Oh, it's definitely worth it.
Trust me.
Winning state was the best thing that ever happened to me.
It opened the door to so many opportunities.
-You have no idea how good that is to hear.
I'm really hoping this can change things for me, you know? -Oh believe me, I know.
Before I won state, I was working at the mall.
-And what have you been up to since your year? -Well, I actually started working at the mall again recently, but in a totally different position.
Mostly I'm doing research to start my new jewelry line.
One of the bartenders has some incredible coke.
Wanna go do some? -Jesus! -Oh, sorry! -God, they always hire such retards to work these things.
-Waiting on drunk people sucks.
-There you are.
Why were you so close to the floor? -Uh, what were you doing at the buffet? -Please do not sneak off on your own like that.
I don't want you speaking to people unchaperoned.
The last thing we need is for you to be telling the sponsors about your love of bike riding.
-Oh Christ.
I should have known she'd be here.
-Any more thought on that emergency call? -No.
We don't need her.
-I was thinking about my new platform.
And I thought, what about bullying? -Bullying's a great platform, but I don't think anyone would look at you and believe that you know anything about being bullied.
-I know a lot about being bullied.
-Okay then.
Bullying it is; we'll start work on that tomorrow.
-Hi, everyone.
I hope you're having a good night.
-That girl looks familiar.
-I'm Kelly Marsh, your former Miss Oklahoma U.
S.
2014.
-Oh right.
-I know we're so excited to welcome our new Miss Oklahoma U.
S.
, Samantha Cole.
Samantha, would you like to join me up here to say a few words? -What's happening? -Samantha, don't be shy.
-I have nothing prepared.
-Just say something about the state of the world.
-What about it? -Say something, I don't know.
-Okay.
Thank you all so much.
Um I take this position very seriously, and I want to bring awareness to the world issues that affect all of us.
-Okay, that's it.
Get off the stage.
-For instance, the civil war waging in Brussels.
My heart goes out to all of those poor women.
We have to help them.
-Need something? -Oh, no, I don't need anything.
I'm just standing here.
-So Brussels, huh? -Someone played a trick on me.
I'm not an idiot, I just believe people when they tell me things.
I didn't realize it was such a bad quality.
-It's not, dear.
Only in pageants.
-You know, there's something about her that reminds me of an old Shirley Temple movie.
The early ones where Shirley Temple played a lot of homeless babies.
-You know, I'm really not in the mood for your gloating right now.
-I actually came to tell you that I'm in.
If you still want my help.
She's not an obvious winner, but there's something endearing there.
Besides, I can't let you go down in flames like this, or Oklahoma.
-I'll make it up to you someday.
-Hearing you admit how lost you are without me is payment enough.
-I'm not lost! -You're screaming at a bumper.
-Please, tell me it's gonna be okay.
-This is your only talent? -Every year, the crown holders in every state are paired with a girl from another state.
-I've got us paired with Texas.
-Texas? -What's wrong with Texas? -Texas is always the one to beat.
They've never not placed in the top 5 at Nationals.
-What I need to do is find a flaw and exploit it.
-Where is everybody? -Doing recon on the Texas team.
-So it's just you and me? -That's right.
-This has been so profoundly depressing.
-Miss Claremore! I can't wait to meet her tomorrow.