Queer as Folk (UK) s01e03 Episode Script
Episode 3
The thing about Alexander, he's a bit camp.
But he's nice.
Mind you, saying he's a bit camp's like saying Hitler was a bit naughty.
You'll like him - and he's been single for ages.
He's dying for a boyfriend.
Just ignore the voice.
And the volume.
And don't get him drunk.
lf he does get drunk, run for the hills.
Hiya! Ooh, hiya! Oooh! Look, this is me suit! Hundred quid.
Bargain! Miss Corke's wardrobe by Kamizole! Vince! - Ooh, you look dreadful! - This is Phil.
Alexander, Dane.
- Dane, Alexander.
Phil.
- Hi.
Hiya.
Vince, nice handbag.
This is Alfred, so it's no smoking.
Oh, it's a little baby Stuart! Bet l'm infertile.
Phil's the one l told you about.
He met David Beckham.
Oi, come here! This is Lee.
Ain't he beautiful? Cheekbones.
Lee, this is Vince and what was it? - Phil.
- Vince and Phil! (Speaking Japanese) Perfect boyfriend - shags like a rabbit, can't understand a word! Fab! Love job.
We met in the club.
- What club? - Mile high.
Whoo! (Stuart) 'Get rid of them.
' (Vince) 'You invited them!' - l was drunk! Can't they stay with you? - 'l've only got one bedroom.
' - Tell them l'm busy or something.
- You tell them.
l'm taking Alfred to the lesbians.
lf the man phones about the roof, l can get time off on Thursday or your dad can see him on Friday.
- Nathan? - Yeah.
Thursday or Friday.
Got that? Helen, don't unwrap that, it's not for you.
Come on, party time.
(TV) 'When do you shrink me down?' (Janice) Bye! 'Shrink you? Who is this guy?!' - 'Are you OK in here, boy?' - 'Yeah, l guess.
' - (Straining) 'Am l there yet?' - 'A little further.
' Yeah, hi.
This is Stuart Jones.
Stuart's got this taxi account.
He said use it.
l've been all round.
l went to that pen shop in Heaton Moor.
lt's all on him.
You what? l thought that was the time! - (Alfred crying) - You're gonna see your mummy.
- Hiya.
- Hi.
You've Canada Dry, Stuart, there's a bottle by the fridge.
All right, l'll go to the offy.
Did he spend a single second with his own son? - He left him with you, didn't he? - l've got to go.
- Thanks, Vince.
- You're more of a father than he is.
(Vince) Port? Who the fuck's drinking port? One! Two! Three! (Speaking Japanese) Tsukkachimattayo.
(Man) 'He's saying the same thing.
He's a bit mad.
' Put Stuart back on.
Stuart, OK? (Alexander) Tokyo, New York (Sandra) 'Stuart!' - So? - 'l'm fed up!' 'lt's a Saturday, you drag me into work! Anyway, this Lee, he's like a prostitute.
'He wants Alexander to pay him.
' - He's having sex for money.
- Kane! What's that mean? He keeps on saying ''kane''.
- What's ''kane''? - What's ''kane''? - (Man) 'Money.
' - Money.
lt's Japanese for love.
He's completely in love with you.
Bless! Can you pull in, please? - What is it? - That's Romey! She's the mother and she's a lesbian.
She's a lesbian and she's a mother! She's a lesbian mother, that's her! (Stuart) Do you have to unpack? lt's like a refugee camp.
- l found it.
This is the one.
- (Alexander) Ooh, fab! (Stuart) Do we have to? (Alexander) Shut up! Dane, get Kleenex.
(Bell tolls) - Which end's her feet? - This end.
(Phil) There's so many flowers you can't tell.
lt's this end.
l met her once, at this charity thing.
lf it's this end, they carried her in feet first.
They'd go head first, royalty.
l'd like to think that at the moment she died, her entire life flashed before her and she caught a little glimpse of me.
Ooh, fast forward, let's have a look at Elton's eyebrow.
So if that's his kid and he's your boyfriend, that makes you sort of stepfather.
My God, you're a stepfather! Why don't we just go and say hello? What? He finished with me.
l looked a complete mong.
He laughed in my face.
My boyfriend dumped me.
l didn't sit around moping.
l went straight out looking for the next one.
What boyfriend? lt was in infant school.
You said Canal Street.
lt'll be chock-a-block.
You're that nice-looking you'll find a bloke in no time.
- Would they let me in? - Course they would.
There you are.
l'll come with you.
l'm not pretending l'm a lesbo, mind.
l seen Kate Moss on that advert.
l felt nothing.
He'll be there, laughing.
- Go on, prove it.
- lt's true! What's it called? lt's like a muscle.
The ejaculation muscle.
Like any muscle it gets worn out.
When you're 20 you can shoot it over your shoulder but 30, you're lucky if it fills your bellybutton.
- God, that's true.
- We're so old.
- l still get it over my shoulder.
- That's an athlete's muscle.
l read this problem in Attitude - ''ls there any way to make your cock bigger?'' As if! The answer says just lose weight.
- No! - For every 30lb, you gain one inch.
A whole inch for 30lb of fat.
- Anyone for desserts? - (All) No, thanks.
l snogged a woman once.
lt was like kissing the Body Shop.
Pity.
l've been saying for ages about you and Alexander, then he turns up with Fu Manchu.
- Dane's quite nice.
- Do you think? And he's rich.
- ls he? - Worth a try, Phil! l don't stand a chance.
He's all tight T-shirts and thin.
l'm eating for two.
No chance.
ls Dane the one that shagged Stuart and wet the bed? No, that was David.
Damp David.
Would you shag him? Stuart.
Oh, get off.
lmagine the next morning.
Wouldn't be able to look at each other.
- What, cos you've had sex? - Yeah.
Having sex with someone means you can't look 'em in the eye? Can do.
This way you can look at him all the time.
Barney! What a shirt! Get an outside aerial, you could fix that.
- How you doing? - Not too bad.
(Nathan) lt's on account.
Thanks a lot.
Come here.
lf there's blokes kissing, don't stare.
And if there's men that look like women, don't stare at them.
lf you see Stuart, don't even look at him.
That's if he's there.
l mean, he won't be there, probably.
Just don't look.
$ Why not try to see things from a different angle? $ Your life is a sham until you can shout out $ l am what l am $ - What do you think? Feeling lucky? - Manchester? Dregs of humanity.
- Wouldn't shag one of 'em.
- No, l suppose not.
Jesus Christ! Look at that! Ooh, l'd stick me head up his arse and wear him like a hat.
(ln Japanese) $ l am what l am $ And what l am needs no excuses $ l deal my own deck $ Sometimes the ace, sometimes the deuces $ lt's one life and there's no return $ That's my night sorted, what are you lot gonna do? This place, they let anyone in! Call security! The bitch has got free! Restrain her! - Put your arms round a woman for once.
- You'll start a rumour! (Donna) You said don't look.
He's not that nice anyway.
l thought he was taller.
You could do much better.
(Hazel) Catch you later.
(Alexander) Ta-ra.
- Hello? - Oh! Who the fuck are you? (Bernard) Who the fuck are you? What are you like? Right, l'm a friend of Vince's, l was with him - me and him and Stuart - in here, the other night.
l'm Nathan, this is Donna.
Will you park yourself or shift yourself? You're spoiling the view.
l've got ten quid on Stuart pulling that bloke.
Stuart doesn't have the copyright on shagging.
- Get in there first.
- l wouldn't stand a chance.
Shut up.
lf you could just see yourself.
What is this? Have-a-go-at-Vince night? l don't believe it.
Stuart.
lt's that Nathan, talking to my bloody mother.
What's he doing? - (Stuart) Nothing to do with me.
- l always get the shit.
- You shag him, he ends up stalking me.
- Leave him alone, he's all right.
He's all right? He's all right? l beg your pardon? He's what? Zip it up, will you? Fuck! Where's he gone? That's your fault, Vince.
$ Oh, young hearts run free $ Oh, my God, Vince! What are you doing here? - Hiya.
- l'm with Lucy.
She's getting married next week.
What's it like, this place? Yeah, l'm just, erm, looking.
lt's the first time that l've ever - lt's a bit of a shock, isn't it? - All them pretty boys.
- Watch yourself, they'll try and turn you! - Yeah, l'm sick of it, really.
- l've seen enough.
- Have a drink with me.
No, l l'm going, thanks.
See you, then.
Work alert, we're going.
See you outside.
lt's that bloody Rosalie.
This place is getting so straight.
$ Who wants to live it in trouble and strife $ Hang on.
$ My mind must be free to learn all that l can about me $ Yeah, yeah $ Excuse me, it's Rosalie, yeah? Hiya, l'm a friend of Vince's.
l just wanted to say, like (Whispers) He likes you.
$ .
.
what's really goin' on today $ Yeah, yeah, say l'm gonna turn loose $ Bastard.
$ How can l turn loose when l just can't break away, yeah, yeah, yeah $ Young hearts $ At school, right, they all go to this pub on the corner, like it's clever, and they all sit there drinking cider like it's dead grown-up.
They haven't got a clue! They'd die in here.
Right, we'd better go.
Suppose they're all off clubbing.
Where does Vince go? Saturday night? Babylon.
- Yeah, l might go there.
- (Bernard) Got membership? Do you need membership? Here, have it.
- Keep it, l'm sick of it.
- (Hazel laughs) lf they ask, your name's Bernard Thomas.
(Cashier) Thank you.
- What's your name? - Bernard Thomas.
Date of birth 1946? Looking good, Bernard.
Eight quid.
($ lndigo: Haven't You Heard) $ l need warmth and a lot of love $ l need warmth and a lot of love $ l need warmth and a lot of love $ l need warmth and a lot of love $ l've been lookin' for you $ Haven't you heard? $ Oh, l've been lookin' for you $ Haven't you heard? $ Oh, l've been lookin' for you $ Haven't you heard? $ Oh, l've been lookin' for you $ (Music continues, muffled) - Oh, nice.
- lt's off Mickey Blake.
He can get anything - he got me speed an' all.
And he got me episode three of Planet Of The Daleks in colour.
The BBC's only got it in black and white cos they burnt it but Mickey Blake? He said he could get episode four of The Tenth Planet.
That's a classic, no one's seen it since 1966.
There are no words for how sad you are.
(Donna) ''975, can l buy you a drink? From 373.
'' - Go on, go and find him.
- l'm not bothered.
lt's what you come here for, isn't it? 373 might be our age.
That Stuart, he's ancient.
Go on.
Good luck.
(Donna) Eurgh! Have you seen Lee? He's wandered off.
- Well, he's not up there.
- Try over there.
Come on.
He can't speak English, he'll get lost.
(Phone) Yes?! What's the Japanese for slut? Bastard fucking Jap! l'm taking out economic sanctions.
That Yoji suit is going straight back.
l'm copping off tonight if it kills me.
Oh, yes! Oh, shit.
He's back again! He really is stalking us.
- This is getting creepy.
- Cos he goes to Babylon? Yeah, that's so unusual(!) (Alexander) Oh, my God! There's a better one! Him there in the silver top.
Blimey! Chance'd be a fine thing.
Sometimes you see these men.
You see them and you think, ''That's it! That's him!'' You don't even talk to him, you never see him again, he doesn't even know you exist.
But you think about that man for the rest of your life.
Bastard! He doesn't even have to try.
(Alexander) He's not! (Dane) He can't! He can! (lnaudible) He's not having 'em both?! You don't understand.
(Phil) What does he say to 'em? lf we knew that lf we knew the magic words But he says 'em for all of us.
He cops off with anyone, that Stuart.
He'll be riddled.
- You're better off without.
- You saw him.
He's the best.
l've had the best.
Come on, let's go home.
Nah, let's get chips.
(Phil) Taxi! Hey! Hey! Oh, sorry, was that yours? - Dunno.
- Ohtake it.
Saw you in Babylon.
- Where are you going? - Withington.
So am l.
Go halves? OK.
Nice place.
- What's this again, Fallowfield? - (Vince) Yeah.
l don't know my way round, l've only been here a couple of months.
- l'm at the BBC.
- Oh? - Doing what? - Director on the Travel Show.
l've just spent two weeks in South America with Duffy from Casualty.
Fantastic! Brilliant! Oh, my God! Do you want a drink? - Got a gin and tonic? - Yep.
Sit yourself down.
(Alexander) Oh, stop moaning.
lf you fancy a threesome at this time of night you can't be choosy.
We'll cope.
We can cope.
Just as long as we don't touch each other.
l don't want you even looking.
Well, l have to look.
Might end up sucking the wrong cock.
- And don't you suck mine.
- l've no intention.
(Door crashes) (Door crashes) (Laughs nervously) Nice.
You've done all right, haven't you? Yeah, well, l work from home, so l like it to be nice.
- Do you want a drink? - Just water.
So, what do you do then? Oh, it's boring really.
lt's like editing.
lt's this project, coordinating market aspects of third world debt.
Boring.
You don't mind, do you? lt's good stuff.
No.
Fine.
So can l stay the night? Yeah.
Right, erm Water.
l'll have a beer.
l'm l'm sorry, l've got to piss.
lt's OK.
(Mobile beeps) - (Beep) - You're not gonna believe this.
'l copped off! His name's Jonathan, he's in the bathroom.
'He's really nice.
He's nice looking and everything.
'And he works in telly! He's met Ruby Wax.
'He's got her home telephone number and everything and he's not lying.
'He's for real! l'll phone you as soon as he's gone.
This is brilliant.
See you!' .
.
cos you stitch the mouth up.
But the eye, the eye opens.
The eye on a corpse falls open.
The relatives are in the chapel of rest.
They want dignity.
They don't want eyes open.
So you get this contact lens.
lt's got spikes.
Sharp little spikes on the surface.
Put in the lens, slap down the eyelid, spikes dig in, sticks it shut.
Right.
l'll wash me knob.
He's Fred West.
l'd better warn you.
lf you ever go to Brazil lf you're in Brazil and you're on the beach, sit on a towel.
Right? Cos they've got these parasites that live in the sand and they burrow.
They burrow up through the sand and sort of burrow themselves into you.
You can kill them with this ointment but it takes a while.
So? So l've got Brazilian beach parasites living in my arse.
Shall l get a taxi? (Straining) Oh, it's locked! We're two floors up anyway.
(Toilet flushing) Let's get on with it.
l'm burying a bride and groom at ten.
Yes.
l'll just Bathroom.
Can l? Hurry up then.
(Gasps) (Crash) (Vince) l'm never going out again.
Ever.
Bastards, all of them.
Not just bastards, diseased bastards.
'You're not gonna believe what he told me.
' 'l've had some stories but this one Bastard!' 'Oh, and he was nice.
'He was really nice, like the bloke l've been waiting for.
' 'He was lovely.
All of him was lovely.
'The entire colony.
' Anyway, l bet you're having a good time.
Give us a call.
Lots of love.
Go on.
Have a go.
You paid for the taxi.
- Yeah, OK.
- Jake sold it me.
He's a top lad, Jake.
Good old Jake.
That's it.
Yeah.
- How's that? - lt's OK.
Yeah? Should do more than that.
- lf he sold me shit - (Snorts) l'll just get some water.
- Woah! - (Laughing) (Gasping) lt's all right, mate.
First time.
lt's always like this.
W-Water.
lt's all right, mate.
All right.
Come here.
Hey! What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? Shit! Oh, fuckin' hell.
Fuck.
Fuck! (Laughter) lt's not funny and you're all bastards.
Dane, you're such a twat! l swear - a cock like a baby's arm.
He sprained his wrist and l sprained me arse! $ Uh-huh, make me tonight $ Tonight $ - (Mobile) - $ Make it right $ Philip Delaney, where the fuck have you been? - (Woman) 'ls that Vince?' - Yeah.
Who's that? Sorry.
That's Phil's number, isn't it? - lt's his mother.
- 'Oh.
Right, yeah.
How are you?' l thought ls Phil there? lt's the phone.
He's got numbers programmed into the phone.
l thought l'd better start There's nothing wrong, is there? They phoned me this morning.
The police.
What's happened? They're saying it was days ago.
$ Aaah, tonight $ Atomic $
But he's nice.
Mind you, saying he's a bit camp's like saying Hitler was a bit naughty.
You'll like him - and he's been single for ages.
He's dying for a boyfriend.
Just ignore the voice.
And the volume.
And don't get him drunk.
lf he does get drunk, run for the hills.
Hiya! Ooh, hiya! Oooh! Look, this is me suit! Hundred quid.
Bargain! Miss Corke's wardrobe by Kamizole! Vince! - Ooh, you look dreadful! - This is Phil.
Alexander, Dane.
- Dane, Alexander.
Phil.
- Hi.
Hiya.
Vince, nice handbag.
This is Alfred, so it's no smoking.
Oh, it's a little baby Stuart! Bet l'm infertile.
Phil's the one l told you about.
He met David Beckham.
Oi, come here! This is Lee.
Ain't he beautiful? Cheekbones.
Lee, this is Vince and what was it? - Phil.
- Vince and Phil! (Speaking Japanese) Perfect boyfriend - shags like a rabbit, can't understand a word! Fab! Love job.
We met in the club.
- What club? - Mile high.
Whoo! (Stuart) 'Get rid of them.
' (Vince) 'You invited them!' - l was drunk! Can't they stay with you? - 'l've only got one bedroom.
' - Tell them l'm busy or something.
- You tell them.
l'm taking Alfred to the lesbians.
lf the man phones about the roof, l can get time off on Thursday or your dad can see him on Friday.
- Nathan? - Yeah.
Thursday or Friday.
Got that? Helen, don't unwrap that, it's not for you.
Come on, party time.
(TV) 'When do you shrink me down?' (Janice) Bye! 'Shrink you? Who is this guy?!' - 'Are you OK in here, boy?' - 'Yeah, l guess.
' - (Straining) 'Am l there yet?' - 'A little further.
' Yeah, hi.
This is Stuart Jones.
Stuart's got this taxi account.
He said use it.
l've been all round.
l went to that pen shop in Heaton Moor.
lt's all on him.
You what? l thought that was the time! - (Alfred crying) - You're gonna see your mummy.
- Hiya.
- Hi.
You've Canada Dry, Stuart, there's a bottle by the fridge.
All right, l'll go to the offy.
Did he spend a single second with his own son? - He left him with you, didn't he? - l've got to go.
- Thanks, Vince.
- You're more of a father than he is.
(Vince) Port? Who the fuck's drinking port? One! Two! Three! (Speaking Japanese) Tsukkachimattayo.
(Man) 'He's saying the same thing.
He's a bit mad.
' Put Stuart back on.
Stuart, OK? (Alexander) Tokyo, New York (Sandra) 'Stuart!' - So? - 'l'm fed up!' 'lt's a Saturday, you drag me into work! Anyway, this Lee, he's like a prostitute.
'He wants Alexander to pay him.
' - He's having sex for money.
- Kane! What's that mean? He keeps on saying ''kane''.
- What's ''kane''? - What's ''kane''? - (Man) 'Money.
' - Money.
lt's Japanese for love.
He's completely in love with you.
Bless! Can you pull in, please? - What is it? - That's Romey! She's the mother and she's a lesbian.
She's a lesbian and she's a mother! She's a lesbian mother, that's her! (Stuart) Do you have to unpack? lt's like a refugee camp.
- l found it.
This is the one.
- (Alexander) Ooh, fab! (Stuart) Do we have to? (Alexander) Shut up! Dane, get Kleenex.
(Bell tolls) - Which end's her feet? - This end.
(Phil) There's so many flowers you can't tell.
lt's this end.
l met her once, at this charity thing.
lf it's this end, they carried her in feet first.
They'd go head first, royalty.
l'd like to think that at the moment she died, her entire life flashed before her and she caught a little glimpse of me.
Ooh, fast forward, let's have a look at Elton's eyebrow.
So if that's his kid and he's your boyfriend, that makes you sort of stepfather.
My God, you're a stepfather! Why don't we just go and say hello? What? He finished with me.
l looked a complete mong.
He laughed in my face.
My boyfriend dumped me.
l didn't sit around moping.
l went straight out looking for the next one.
What boyfriend? lt was in infant school.
You said Canal Street.
lt'll be chock-a-block.
You're that nice-looking you'll find a bloke in no time.
- Would they let me in? - Course they would.
There you are.
l'll come with you.
l'm not pretending l'm a lesbo, mind.
l seen Kate Moss on that advert.
l felt nothing.
He'll be there, laughing.
- Go on, prove it.
- lt's true! What's it called? lt's like a muscle.
The ejaculation muscle.
Like any muscle it gets worn out.
When you're 20 you can shoot it over your shoulder but 30, you're lucky if it fills your bellybutton.
- God, that's true.
- We're so old.
- l still get it over my shoulder.
- That's an athlete's muscle.
l read this problem in Attitude - ''ls there any way to make your cock bigger?'' As if! The answer says just lose weight.
- No! - For every 30lb, you gain one inch.
A whole inch for 30lb of fat.
- Anyone for desserts? - (All) No, thanks.
l snogged a woman once.
lt was like kissing the Body Shop.
Pity.
l've been saying for ages about you and Alexander, then he turns up with Fu Manchu.
- Dane's quite nice.
- Do you think? And he's rich.
- ls he? - Worth a try, Phil! l don't stand a chance.
He's all tight T-shirts and thin.
l'm eating for two.
No chance.
ls Dane the one that shagged Stuart and wet the bed? No, that was David.
Damp David.
Would you shag him? Stuart.
Oh, get off.
lmagine the next morning.
Wouldn't be able to look at each other.
- What, cos you've had sex? - Yeah.
Having sex with someone means you can't look 'em in the eye? Can do.
This way you can look at him all the time.
Barney! What a shirt! Get an outside aerial, you could fix that.
- How you doing? - Not too bad.
(Nathan) lt's on account.
Thanks a lot.
Come here.
lf there's blokes kissing, don't stare.
And if there's men that look like women, don't stare at them.
lf you see Stuart, don't even look at him.
That's if he's there.
l mean, he won't be there, probably.
Just don't look.
$ Why not try to see things from a different angle? $ Your life is a sham until you can shout out $ l am what l am $ - What do you think? Feeling lucky? - Manchester? Dregs of humanity.
- Wouldn't shag one of 'em.
- No, l suppose not.
Jesus Christ! Look at that! Ooh, l'd stick me head up his arse and wear him like a hat.
(ln Japanese) $ l am what l am $ And what l am needs no excuses $ l deal my own deck $ Sometimes the ace, sometimes the deuces $ lt's one life and there's no return $ That's my night sorted, what are you lot gonna do? This place, they let anyone in! Call security! The bitch has got free! Restrain her! - Put your arms round a woman for once.
- You'll start a rumour! (Donna) You said don't look.
He's not that nice anyway.
l thought he was taller.
You could do much better.
(Hazel) Catch you later.
(Alexander) Ta-ra.
- Hello? - Oh! Who the fuck are you? (Bernard) Who the fuck are you? What are you like? Right, l'm a friend of Vince's, l was with him - me and him and Stuart - in here, the other night.
l'm Nathan, this is Donna.
Will you park yourself or shift yourself? You're spoiling the view.
l've got ten quid on Stuart pulling that bloke.
Stuart doesn't have the copyright on shagging.
- Get in there first.
- l wouldn't stand a chance.
Shut up.
lf you could just see yourself.
What is this? Have-a-go-at-Vince night? l don't believe it.
Stuart.
lt's that Nathan, talking to my bloody mother.
What's he doing? - (Stuart) Nothing to do with me.
- l always get the shit.
- You shag him, he ends up stalking me.
- Leave him alone, he's all right.
He's all right? He's all right? l beg your pardon? He's what? Zip it up, will you? Fuck! Where's he gone? That's your fault, Vince.
$ Oh, young hearts run free $ Oh, my God, Vince! What are you doing here? - Hiya.
- l'm with Lucy.
She's getting married next week.
What's it like, this place? Yeah, l'm just, erm, looking.
lt's the first time that l've ever - lt's a bit of a shock, isn't it? - All them pretty boys.
- Watch yourself, they'll try and turn you! - Yeah, l'm sick of it, really.
- l've seen enough.
- Have a drink with me.
No, l l'm going, thanks.
See you, then.
Work alert, we're going.
See you outside.
lt's that bloody Rosalie.
This place is getting so straight.
$ Who wants to live it in trouble and strife $ Hang on.
$ My mind must be free to learn all that l can about me $ Yeah, yeah $ Excuse me, it's Rosalie, yeah? Hiya, l'm a friend of Vince's.
l just wanted to say, like (Whispers) He likes you.
$ .
.
what's really goin' on today $ Yeah, yeah, say l'm gonna turn loose $ Bastard.
$ How can l turn loose when l just can't break away, yeah, yeah, yeah $ Young hearts $ At school, right, they all go to this pub on the corner, like it's clever, and they all sit there drinking cider like it's dead grown-up.
They haven't got a clue! They'd die in here.
Right, we'd better go.
Suppose they're all off clubbing.
Where does Vince go? Saturday night? Babylon.
- Yeah, l might go there.
- (Bernard) Got membership? Do you need membership? Here, have it.
- Keep it, l'm sick of it.
- (Hazel laughs) lf they ask, your name's Bernard Thomas.
(Cashier) Thank you.
- What's your name? - Bernard Thomas.
Date of birth 1946? Looking good, Bernard.
Eight quid.
($ lndigo: Haven't You Heard) $ l need warmth and a lot of love $ l need warmth and a lot of love $ l need warmth and a lot of love $ l need warmth and a lot of love $ l've been lookin' for you $ Haven't you heard? $ Oh, l've been lookin' for you $ Haven't you heard? $ Oh, l've been lookin' for you $ Haven't you heard? $ Oh, l've been lookin' for you $ (Music continues, muffled) - Oh, nice.
- lt's off Mickey Blake.
He can get anything - he got me speed an' all.
And he got me episode three of Planet Of The Daleks in colour.
The BBC's only got it in black and white cos they burnt it but Mickey Blake? He said he could get episode four of The Tenth Planet.
That's a classic, no one's seen it since 1966.
There are no words for how sad you are.
(Donna) ''975, can l buy you a drink? From 373.
'' - Go on, go and find him.
- l'm not bothered.
lt's what you come here for, isn't it? 373 might be our age.
That Stuart, he's ancient.
Go on.
Good luck.
(Donna) Eurgh! Have you seen Lee? He's wandered off.
- Well, he's not up there.
- Try over there.
Come on.
He can't speak English, he'll get lost.
(Phone) Yes?! What's the Japanese for slut? Bastard fucking Jap! l'm taking out economic sanctions.
That Yoji suit is going straight back.
l'm copping off tonight if it kills me.
Oh, yes! Oh, shit.
He's back again! He really is stalking us.
- This is getting creepy.
- Cos he goes to Babylon? Yeah, that's so unusual(!) (Alexander) Oh, my God! There's a better one! Him there in the silver top.
Blimey! Chance'd be a fine thing.
Sometimes you see these men.
You see them and you think, ''That's it! That's him!'' You don't even talk to him, you never see him again, he doesn't even know you exist.
But you think about that man for the rest of your life.
Bastard! He doesn't even have to try.
(Alexander) He's not! (Dane) He can't! He can! (lnaudible) He's not having 'em both?! You don't understand.
(Phil) What does he say to 'em? lf we knew that lf we knew the magic words But he says 'em for all of us.
He cops off with anyone, that Stuart.
He'll be riddled.
- You're better off without.
- You saw him.
He's the best.
l've had the best.
Come on, let's go home.
Nah, let's get chips.
(Phil) Taxi! Hey! Hey! Oh, sorry, was that yours? - Dunno.
- Ohtake it.
Saw you in Babylon.
- Where are you going? - Withington.
So am l.
Go halves? OK.
Nice place.
- What's this again, Fallowfield? - (Vince) Yeah.
l don't know my way round, l've only been here a couple of months.
- l'm at the BBC.
- Oh? - Doing what? - Director on the Travel Show.
l've just spent two weeks in South America with Duffy from Casualty.
Fantastic! Brilliant! Oh, my God! Do you want a drink? - Got a gin and tonic? - Yep.
Sit yourself down.
(Alexander) Oh, stop moaning.
lf you fancy a threesome at this time of night you can't be choosy.
We'll cope.
We can cope.
Just as long as we don't touch each other.
l don't want you even looking.
Well, l have to look.
Might end up sucking the wrong cock.
- And don't you suck mine.
- l've no intention.
(Door crashes) (Door crashes) (Laughs nervously) Nice.
You've done all right, haven't you? Yeah, well, l work from home, so l like it to be nice.
- Do you want a drink? - Just water.
So, what do you do then? Oh, it's boring really.
lt's like editing.
lt's this project, coordinating market aspects of third world debt.
Boring.
You don't mind, do you? lt's good stuff.
No.
Fine.
So can l stay the night? Yeah.
Right, erm Water.
l'll have a beer.
l'm l'm sorry, l've got to piss.
lt's OK.
(Mobile beeps) - (Beep) - You're not gonna believe this.
'l copped off! His name's Jonathan, he's in the bathroom.
'He's really nice.
He's nice looking and everything.
'And he works in telly! He's met Ruby Wax.
'He's got her home telephone number and everything and he's not lying.
'He's for real! l'll phone you as soon as he's gone.
This is brilliant.
See you!' .
.
cos you stitch the mouth up.
But the eye, the eye opens.
The eye on a corpse falls open.
The relatives are in the chapel of rest.
They want dignity.
They don't want eyes open.
So you get this contact lens.
lt's got spikes.
Sharp little spikes on the surface.
Put in the lens, slap down the eyelid, spikes dig in, sticks it shut.
Right.
l'll wash me knob.
He's Fred West.
l'd better warn you.
lf you ever go to Brazil lf you're in Brazil and you're on the beach, sit on a towel.
Right? Cos they've got these parasites that live in the sand and they burrow.
They burrow up through the sand and sort of burrow themselves into you.
You can kill them with this ointment but it takes a while.
So? So l've got Brazilian beach parasites living in my arse.
Shall l get a taxi? (Straining) Oh, it's locked! We're two floors up anyway.
(Toilet flushing) Let's get on with it.
l'm burying a bride and groom at ten.
Yes.
l'll just Bathroom.
Can l? Hurry up then.
(Gasps) (Crash) (Vince) l'm never going out again.
Ever.
Bastards, all of them.
Not just bastards, diseased bastards.
'You're not gonna believe what he told me.
' 'l've had some stories but this one Bastard!' 'Oh, and he was nice.
'He was really nice, like the bloke l've been waiting for.
' 'He was lovely.
All of him was lovely.
'The entire colony.
' Anyway, l bet you're having a good time.
Give us a call.
Lots of love.
Go on.
Have a go.
You paid for the taxi.
- Yeah, OK.
- Jake sold it me.
He's a top lad, Jake.
Good old Jake.
That's it.
Yeah.
- How's that? - lt's OK.
Yeah? Should do more than that.
- lf he sold me shit - (Snorts) l'll just get some water.
- Woah! - (Laughing) (Gasping) lt's all right, mate.
First time.
lt's always like this.
W-Water.
lt's all right, mate.
All right.
Come here.
Hey! What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? Shit! Oh, fuckin' hell.
Fuck.
Fuck! (Laughter) lt's not funny and you're all bastards.
Dane, you're such a twat! l swear - a cock like a baby's arm.
He sprained his wrist and l sprained me arse! $ Uh-huh, make me tonight $ Tonight $ - (Mobile) - $ Make it right $ Philip Delaney, where the fuck have you been? - (Woman) 'ls that Vince?' - Yeah.
Who's that? Sorry.
That's Phil's number, isn't it? - lt's his mother.
- 'Oh.
Right, yeah.
How are you?' l thought ls Phil there? lt's the phone.
He's got numbers programmed into the phone.
l thought l'd better start There's nothing wrong, is there? They phoned me this morning.
The police.
What's happened? They're saying it was days ago.
$ Aaah, tonight $ Atomic $