Raising Hope s01e03 Episode Script

Here we go, oh, oh, oh Daddy-o, oh, oh, oh Birth control, no, no, no Let it roll, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh Here we go, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh Istanbul was Constantinople Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople Been a long time gone, oh, Constantinople - Hey, how was work? - Great.
The Giddlemans are remodeling, so they put all their old stuff out on the curb for the help to fight over.
Almost got my hands on a combination TV/VCR, but their exterminator blasted me with ant spray.
I thought you tasted kind of poison-y.
Have you seen this? As long as I have this song playing, she can't lose.
I know.
It's weird how music kicks in certain things in her brain.
Like, the other day, I found out America the Beautiful makes her poop faster.
Hey, guys, check it out.
I taught Hope a trick.
She's crawling.
I taught her how to crawl.
Are you kidding me? We're all exhausted taking care of that baby as it is.
You taught it to move? Good Lord.
Hope she doesn't get into things the way you used to.
Take me back to Constantinople No, you can't go back to Constantinople Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople Why did Constantinople get the works? That's nobody's business but the Turks Istanbul! We're gonna have to do some serious baby-proofing around here.
Oh, God! Don't tell me you're going to turn this house into one of those baby-proofing nightmares.
I was cleaning a place the other day, and they even had a lock on the damn toilet.
That's nobody's business but the Turks Istanbul! I'm in here! Jimmy, you can't protect your child from every little danger.
They have to learn from their own mistakes.
Yeah, like how I learned to jump off the roof with an umbrella? Once, and then you never did it again.
Plus, you learned about gravity.
What I learned was I need to protect my child better than you protected me.
For the record, I thought that umbrella thing was going to work.
Wind was really humming that day.
You're going to have to move all these pool chemicals out of here.
She can get to this now.
I don't have anywhere else to put them.
Back of the truck is all full of weed killer.
I could put the weed killer in here if you think that's better.
"Pick your poison.
" I just got that.
Ow! Maybe I'll see if Mom can make some room in the greenhouse.
There are some things I don't like to talk to your grandma about.
One is her hobby.
You see, some grandmas bake, some play bridge, some crochet.
Your grandma is a hoarder.
One of the only perks of cleaning houses is getting all the crap the rich people no longer want.
It never bothered your grandmother that she didn't have a use for any of the stuff.
All she knew was it was free and she wanted it.
What are you guys doing in my stuff? You didn't touch my stuff, did you? Don't touch my stuff.
This is my stuff.
Mom, I need to make a little room in here for Dad's pool chemicals.
Can we maybe pick a few items that you might not need? I need everything in here.
Do you need this box of towel racks? Because not only have I never seen anyone in this house hang up a towel, we only have one bathroom.
We do now, but we don't know how many bathrooms we're going to have when your father and I get our own place.
Do you think you're going to have 20? We might.
I've been getting really close with the lottery lately.
Two weeks ago, I got one number.
Last week, I almost got two.
I think she's getting ready to bust wide open.
- What's tonight's jackpot up to? - $46 million.
Nice.
I'm glad we didn't win last week.
Now we can get a house and a boat.
Oh, I've been thinking about boat names.
How about Ship Happens? The Love Burt? Aquaholic? Yeah, Buoy? I'll keep thinking.
How about you keep thinking about where to put the pool chemicals? I'm going to get some baby-proofing stuff.
See if the hardware store has sheds on sale.
I'm not going to the hardware store.
Going to the grocery store.
I think Sabrina's working tonight.
There you go.
Just 'cause she has a boyfriend, don't give up.
Girls are just like the lottery.
You can't win if you don't play.
Make sure you smile a lot, you got a great smile.
Okay, maybe I was thinking of somebody else.
Go.
Howdy-hi, partner.
Howdy-hi.
No, you don't have to do it, just us.
What were you writing in that notebook? Oh, I'm working on a short story.
I'm taking a creative writing class.
Cool, what's the story about? It's called "The Elephant in the Room.
" It's about a Waspy family that's slowly turning into emotionless zombies.
Ooh.
Spooky.
Yeah, yeah, I'm having a lot of fun writing it.
I'm kind of stuck on this one sentence.
Like, what's another word for ostentatious? Delicious? Tired? Obnoxious? Lamp shade? I really don't know that word.
Yeah, no, keep going, though.
This is fun.
Chocoholic? O beautiful for spacious skies Come on, Maw Maw.
For amber waves of grain There you go, sweetheart.
For purple mountain majesties Above the fruited plain You go get in the bathtub.
I'll come check on you in a bit.
I got to start videotaping what goes on in that bathroom.
Be good to have in case my cousin tries to fight us in court for the house after Maw Maw dies.
Where's Hope? She was here a second ago.
He just had to teach her to crawl, didn't he? Here, baby, baby, baby.
Here, baby, baby, baby.
Why the hell are you looking up? You were looking down.
I thought you had that covered.
What, do you think she'd climb a tree? No, a hawk might have got her.
Oh, God, I never thought of that.
Hope! You just know he's going to find a way to blame us for this.
Quick, help me get this stuff out of here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Not a good idea.
This is bad.
This is really bad.
I'm freaking out a little bit here, Burt.
I'm not doing well with this.
Think of something.
How are we going to fix this? Think.
You know I can't think on demand like that.
Think.
Crap, stop saying "Think.
" Every time you say "think," all I can think is the word "think," - and it fills up my whole brain.
- All right, all right.
- Think, think, think.
- All right.
It keeps changing colors and sizes.
I can't get past it.
All right, I'm getting kind of antsy.
I need to clear my head.
Relax me, do my thing.
All right.
Here we go.
If we can't get to the baby, we need to get it to come out on its own.
You're still just thinking of the word "think," aren't you? Yeah, a little guy with a hand pump just came out, pumped up the word until it exploded into a million little "thinks.
" Just keep stroking my nose.
Sugar cubes.
You good? What are you looking for? Sugar cubes.
I was going to teach Hope how to somersault.
Are we out? If we're out, I can go back to the store.
It's no problem.
Get right back there while she's still working.
Yes, we're out.
Jimmy came home, but I sent him back to the store.
- How is she? - She's cool.
I'm keeping her entertained.
Hey, sweetie, look what I got.
If you want your sugar cubes, you got to come to the front of the greenhouse, but you can't crawl along the side here 'cause it's blocked.
So, you want to go back about two feet, make a left at the fax machine, crawl over the big aquarium and then under the little aquarium, and keep on going till you're old enough to know what I'm talking about.
We're screwed.
Forgot sugar cubes.
Might want to think about making a list.
That's a great idea.
I don't have time now, but maybe I'll swing by later for some paper.
How's that short story coming along? Haven't really gotten much done since I saw you eight minutes ago.
Well, I don't know if you can use it or not, but I made you this.
I used an old fast-food bag that was in my van.
It's really good.
Thanks.
I didn't know if your story was gonna have pictures, but most good ones do, so I wasn't planning on it, but maybe.
In my story, it's really more of a metaphorical elephant.
Oh.
Well, I don't think anyone will know what species it is.
I drew it pretty generic.
Keep it coming.
A little to the left.
What's going on? What are you guys doing? Your baby's trapped in your mother's clutter.
What? Is she okay? Can she breathe? She's fine.
She doesn't even know she's trapped.
Don't worry, your father's gonna suck her out.
She's in good hands.
Remember how delicately I vacuumed out that dead squirrel from the bottom of the Wassermans' pool last week? Not a bruise on it, little fella could've had an open casket.
What did you How the hell did this happen? Well, you went out for ice cream and had unprotected sex with a serial killer.
No, no, no, you can't keep going to that.
I left you guys in charge of Hope, and now she's trapped under a giant pile of crap because you're a hoarder.
Jimmy, leave her alone.
I was supposed to be watching her, and I got distracted by the lottery numbers.
Oh, I can see why you couldn't miss that.
I assume you won? No.
Why would you assume that? Did you hear something? Did they do a re-draw or something? I got her! Make sure the suction's not too high.
I don't want to have to explain a hickey on her ass to day care.
Here she comes.
We're in the home stretch.
Great.
Now she's gonna pee on my stuff.
Where is she? She's all the way in the back again.
She's quick.
She makes it through this, you got quite a little athlete on your hands.
Oh, this is crazy.
I'm going in.
Don't touch that! If you move the wrong thing, it could all come crashing down.
PLAYING) Istanbul was Constantinople Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople Been a long time gone, Constantinople Now it's Turkish delight on a moonlit night Every gal in Constantinople Lives in Istanbul, not Constantinople So if you've a date in Constantinople She'll be waiting in Istanbul Even old New York was once New Amsterdam Why they changed it, I can't say People just liked it better that way So take me back to Constantinople No, you can't go back to Constantinople Been a long time gone, Constantinople Why did Constantinople get the works? That's nobody's business but the Turks Why did Constantinople get the works? That's nobody's business but the Turks Istanbul! You're not gonna thank your great-Maw Maw? Thank you, Maw Maw.
I like your pants.
Want to trade pants? Humor her, she just saved your granddaughter.
I hate when we do this.
She always leaves tissues and chicken bones in my pockets.
- Hope still asleep? - Yep.
- What got you up so early? - Me? I had to do a little baby-proofing in the backyard.
Where's my stuff? Jimmy, what did you do with my stuff? My stuff is gone.
Where's my stuff? Your stuff is where it belongs, in the dump.
Burt, I need you.
I know this is hard for you, but what happened yesterday can't happen again.
You guys put Hope in danger because you're living in a fantasy land.
You collect crap for a house we'll never have, while Dad is busy checking for winning numbers that he's never gonna get.
Now that there's a baby in the house, you need to start concentrating on her instead of what you're gonna name your imaginary boat.
Hey, we don't have to talk about that anymore.
We agreed last night, Cirrhosis of the River.
What about you? You're so busy blaming everybody else.
Where were you when your daughter got stuck? I was at the store buying things to keep her safe.
Yeah, the grocery store, which is five blocks further away than the hardware store.
Face it, Jimmy, we're not the only illusional ones around here.
Your daughter got stuck 'cause you were out chasing after some girl that has a boyfriend.
Fine, you're right.
I'm doing the same thing you guys are, and I need to stop.
I need to focus on Hope.
You're gonna give up on this girl? I don't believe it.
Well, I am.
We all need to get our heads out of the clouds.
It took a little convincing, but eventually, your grandma and grandpa understood what I was talking about.
From now on, we're gonna pay more attention to you.
For me, that means buying all the groceries at once and avoiding certain lines.
For your grandpa, it means finding something else to do with his dollar.
And for Grandma, it means stepping aside and letting Guadalupe and Loquesia duke it out for a 20-year-old Hamilton Beach popcorn maker.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
Now that we're living in reality, things have been a little less cheery around the house.
But we'll get through it.
How was your day? Me? I scrubbed toilets.
You? Cleaned pools, cut grass.
Still no winner in what is now a $128-million jackpot.
In case you missed it, here were last night's numbers.
Don't tell me those were your numbers.
Could've been.
I do quick picks.
I guess we'll never know.
Damn it! Somebody ate all the chewy chocolate chip cookies.
Okay, relax, I'll go get some more.
Oh, no, you won't.
You're going to that grocery store to see that girl.
If you go and talk to that girl, I get to buy a lottery ticket.
I'm not gonna talk to the girl.
I promised I wouldn't.
You better not be, 'cause I passed a house this morning on Sycamore Street that was throwing away a chair that looked like a high-heeled shoe.
Would've looked great in a walk-in closet.
I didn't even slow down.
She's not even working tonight.
She has class.
Yeah, well, let's just make sure of that.
Burt, hold his face.
What are you doing? Just a little insurance to make sure you don't break your promise.
Your mom's on the phone.
She has lice again? Hey.
Hello.
You know you have "dork" written on your face, right? My mom did it.
It usually comes off in a couple of weeks.
You might want to think about wearing makeup.
I tried that.
Makes me look like a dork.
Kind of a catch-32.
I thought you had class Tuesday nights.
Creative writing? I dropped it.
I showed my dad my story, and he said it was blah.
Not that he's a wizard with words.
I'm gonna pick up an accounting class.
I can already punch numbers without looking.
Look, it's none of my business, but if you really want to be a writer, you can't just give up.
I mean, if you give up, you'll never know what could have been.
What if you wrote the best story anybody has ever heard? They could turn it into a book, or even a movie, you could win an Oscar.
- I'm not gonna win an Oscar.
- You don't know that.
Anything is possible, unless you quit.
You can't win if you don't play.
Think about it, how cool would it be to win an Oscar? It would be pretty cool.
I could stand onstage in my Badgley Mischka dress and thank Gabourey Sidibe for bringing my words to life.
Sure.
I don't know what language some of those words are in, but that's what I'm talking about.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
I needed that.
Where the hell did you learn to be so positive? It's infectious.
I guess my parents infected me.
You're lucky.
Is that gonna be all? No.
I need one more thing.
That's when I realized I want you to grow up in a house where people dream.
Growing up with your grandparents in this house left me with a lot of scars, but it also left me with the confidence that no dream is too big.
We're definitely gonna have a dishwasher that works when we get our own place.
Hey, you know what? We're gonna get you a pet monkey, little dude.
Monkey! We didn't have the best life, but that didn't stop us from hoping that one day we would.
I'm telling you, this job is great! People feel so guilty that we're cleaning up their mess that they clean up half of it ahead of time and then they give us free stuff! I got you a towel rack today for when we buy our own house, and you and your pet monkey have your own bathroom.
Monkey! And when you're growing up around a couple of dreamers, you can't help but turn into one yourself.
Hey, what's the jackpot up to tonight? $3 million.
I bet we can get a big old house for that.
And when you marry that grocery store girl, you can come over for Thanksgiving.
We'll start with cognac in the library.
I don't know if that's gonna happen.
She's got a boyfriend.
She has a boyfriend now.
It doesn't mean she's always gonna have a boyfriend.
Yeah, he could die.
People die every second.
There's one, there's another one.
Oh, that could've been him.
I may not be able to give you the perfect life, but I want you to live in a house that makes you believe that one day you can get it.
That's why I'm gonna make sure you never see your daddy stop dreaming, because if you stop dreaming, you're just sleeping.
- Highfalutin.
- Excuse me? Another way to say ostentatious.
Highfalutin.
I looked it up in something called The Saurus.
It's a cool book.
It's like the dictionary's cousin.
- Thank you.
- No prob.
Wait.
No conundrum.
English - US - SDH