Rake US (2013) s01e03 Episode Script
Cancer
You're moving out soon, right? - You're moving out? - Could you move out? Where is my car? Well, maybe you shouldn't ha pissed off the Mayor, huh? You wanted to see me about something, dad? It doesn't matter.
I'll get someone else to do it.
Kee, this is my friend, Bruce Mangan.
Help! Call an ambulance! A man has collapsed! It was a stroke.
The next few days are critical.
Roy, how do you know Keegan? I'm trying to collect this $59,000 he owes my boss.
- Pay your debts.
- Yeah.
Stay.
It's not every day you get to see the man who invented the stalefish go down.
I'm all-in.
He's in.
What's funny about it? It's funny 'cause I can see your tell.
I don't have a tell.
You do, and it's a little bit more of a girly tell than I like in my professional athletes.
- Quit stalling and play cards.
- Okay.
All right, I'm all-in.
I call your bluff, Tony Hawk.
That's it! Boom! Boom goes the dynamite! Right there, I told you.
The Hawkman goes down! Faster than a 1080 on a mega-ramp! Boom! Boom! Boom! Oh, come on, come-- hey, hey, sit down.
I went too far.
I'm sorry.
You don't have a tell.
I'm outta here.
Tony, hey, I'll see you Thursday night at that auction, okay? We'll raise money for Finn's school.
- It'll be great.
- Uh, I have other plans.
What? No, my kid's counting on you, Tony.
You're his favorite skateboard legend.
He'll come back.
He'll come back.
Some people don't know how to lose-- that's the problem.
This guy's been cheating all night.
You been palming cards, you little freak.
You're cheating.
You know who the quietest people are? Serial killers.
Right here.
Any of you guys got a car? Huh? I need a ride downtown.
Come on, it's supposed to be a gentleman's game.
We'll give you a ride.
No, I'm good.
Thanks.
Debbie wants a word.
Your loan's due, $11,000.
I ran into a little bit of a housing problem, in that I don't have any housing.
I'm taking care of some other creditors.
I'm gonna pay you every cent, Debbie, every cent plus interest.
My aunt has an apartment for rent in Echo Park.
- Excuse me? - You settle there, pay me first, you get 5% off.
Oh.
No, no, that's-- that's very nice, but I don't really like to mix business and living situations, and I think 5%'s a little low.
Late payments pay double interest.
What? No, no, that's way out of line with the market.
When your father was in charge, he was a reasonable man with reasonable rates.
And now he's in a nursing home, which costs me a ton.
I thought you people value your elders.
You're think of the Japanese.
The Chinese send their elders to the Suicide Forrest, which happens to be in Japan, and it's where my boys will take you if I don't get my money.
Give me your watch.
You need collateral too? No, I just want it.
Give her the watch.
Stick to your payment schedule, or my boys will smash your pretty face in.
Okay, you look very handsome today.
Greg, will you please go tie your brother's shoes? Mwah.
I put snickerdoodles in there for both of you, okay? Let's go.
All right.
Okay, come here.
You're the bravest boys I know.
Have a great day.
I love you.
Hi, Carol.
How are you? Hi.
I'm great.
Thank you.
I made some with no nuts.
I know Tommy doesn't like crunchy things.
You are so sweet.
You know, I would be happy to take the boys for a sleepover whenever you need a break.
Oh, I never need a break from being their mom.
Every minute's a gift.
- Mrs.
Grady? - Officer.
You're under arrest for fraud.
Wha-- what? I don't understand.
Did I forget to sign a check? Wait.
Wait.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be held against you - in a court of law.
- No, wait.
No, there must be some mistake.
- Look okay? - Yes.
We're gonna get a lot of press on this case.
Nothing more sympathetic than representing a poor woman who's being harassed by an insurance company.
Kid doesn't have cancer.
That's an inappropriate joke, Leanne.
I've seen the tests.
That child is perfectly healthy.
You can't fake cancer, Leanne.
Carol used to work at an oncologist's office.
She forged Bobby's medical records and insurance files and then pocketed the hundreds of thousands of dollars she got for his treatment, not to mention the toys from the police toy-drive.
Well, obviously, the hospital made a terrible mistake, which they're prone to do.
We'll have him tested again.
This is the fourth test.
He can't be healthy.
He's bald.
My dad's bald.
He doesn't have cancer.
That's different.
He's a man.
Carol Grady is a pillar of the community who's being persecuted by a corrupt insurance company.
Can she still pay? Yes, and she's waiting.
She's in there right now? With your toiletries.
Mr.
Deane, thank goodness.
I hope you like chocolate chip.
Oh, I do, I do, I do.
Uh, I'll be right back.
Excuse me.
Can I talk to you for a second? - You let her bring the kid in here? - What's the problem? You don't want him to find out he doesn't have cancer? How long's he been in there? It's one thing to be a cancerphobe, but you realize that fake cancer's even less contagious than real cancer? He doesn't have any hair.
The disease is in him somewhere, and I need a new toothbrush.
'Cause this one has cancer? You realize you have to go back in there.
Thank you so much, Leanne.
Didn't want to upset the little guy.
All this legal mumbo-jumbo talk here, but these tests show that Bobby is cancer-free.
So we just are gonna be needing some sort of other explanation for all these many, many, many, many tests you sent in to the insurance company, something, obviously, other than fraud.
I can't imagine how much paperwork's involved.
Maybe it was a filing error, right? These new tests must mean he's finally in remission.
Uh, actually, these tests show that Bobby never had cancer or any treatment for cancer, which I'm guessing you knew because you shaved his head, rather than subject him to chemotherapy he didn't need or have.
Okay.
I don't know what kind of people you usually defend, Mr.
Deane, but I love my son, and I'm hurt that you'd accuse me of faking his cancer.
The state's actually the one doing the accusing here, Mrs.
Grady.
I'm just trying to put together a believable defense, and I'd love your help with that.
My defense is that Bobby has cancer.
You can ask him yourself.
Or ask Greg how hard it's been to worry every day about losing his brother.
It's really hard.
I mean, what kind of crazy person would fake a child's illness with sugar pills and vitamin IVs? Well, insanity does seem like your most viable defense.
I can't lose my children, Mr.
Deane.
Nothing's more important than being there for my boys.
I understand.
I have a son I'm pretty involved with myself.
Uh that thing got the time on it? Uh, it's 10:30.
I'll talk to the prosecution and see if we can work something out, okay? You can show yourself out of here.
Thank you.
Oh, hi.
Sorry I'm late.
I'm Keegan Deane.
I'm Finn's dad.
Hi.
I'm Stacy Mullen, Finn's English teacher.
Nice to finally meet you.
I thought you said you couldn't make it.
Something about parent-teacher conferences pandering to illiterates who can't read report cards.
It's a joke.
No, nothing more important than being a good parent, and that includes getting to know Finn's teachers.
Well, I was just telling Maddy that Finn has really mastered the nuance of language.
They say that's genetic, and I'm actually using that very mastery right now on a high-profile case here in Los Angeles.
I donated some of Finn's old clothes to that woman's cancer drive.
I'm thinking of asking for them back so I can donate them to a real worthy cause.
Well, why don't you do that, then, right now? Stacy and I will finish up here with Finn.
Are you hungry? Uh, n-- I have a-another conference coming in.
- Okay.
- But I can talk to you at the fund-raiser on Thursday night.
Finn has been telling everyone you're bringing Tony Hawk to auction off a day with him at his skate park, and he's really excited.
Yeah, yeah, Tony's, uh less exciting in real life.
I can tell you, he's Can't get the air anymore and tries to prove how important he is by randomly canceling plans, so we'll see.
Um, you know, the kids already have set up the half-pipe.
Well, they should set up the whole damn pipe, then, because he'll be there.
For me and for Finn.
He'll be there.
Great.
Well, then I will see you both on Thursday.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Yeah, that's all.
It was great talking to you.
- Yeah, sure.
- Thank you.
It was nice to meet you both.
So you lost Tony? Don't be ridiculous.
I think you should worry more about embarrassing your son than impressing his teacher.
When have I ever embarrassed my son? I'm not gonna start now.
Hey, Tony Hawk! What's up, hot dog? Kee calling again.
Listen, I'm just reminding you of this auction Thursday night, okay? A lot of these needy kids are counting on you, as is my son, so I know you wouldn't hold it against me for getting a lucky hand.
All right? We'll go together, play some poker afterwards.
This is why the article is an important part of speech.
Yeah? The "The" in "The Four Seasons" is how you know it's the hotel, right? And not the time of the year when the weather changes.
Glad I caught that little life lesson.
Oh.
How's Ben's dad doing? Terribly.
Karma's a bitch.
Hey, don't let Ben hear you say that, okay? Okay, okay.
Listen, I need a little help on that Carol Grady case.
Lisa Humphrey's the ADA on that.
Yeah, she won't return my calls.
Because the Mayor still hates you.
Remember him? It's her boss and mine, as a matter of fact.
That's not my client's fault, and I need to get her an insanity plea so her kids don't lose their mother.
The mother you just said is insane? Scarlet, the entire therapeutic industry is founded on the principle that all mothers are insane.
Back me up, Zoe.
You love your crazy mom, right? - Hey.
- Hmm? There will be no guilty plea until Carol gives the money back.
Hey, that looks good.
Who's "Crazy Wendy"? That is my auction co-chair, the one who has been trying to edge me out with her agent husband's high-priced donations.
I cannot wait to make her eat volcanic dirt when Tony Hawk goes for more than a week in Kauai! What is everybody's obsession with this school-auction thing? You're a grown woman.
Save your political backstabbing energy for work.
Hey, Wendy.
Look at that.
That's what I'm saying.
I got the bag, go ahead.
People's champion, Ali.
Can't dance like Ali.
More like Foreman.
Damn, has Scarlet seen this? Wow, been taking those peptides, baby? Whoo.
You okay? Yeah, I'm okay.
My father's gonna die, Kee.
Hey, you don't know that.
Yes, I do.
He's gonna die one day.
He has to, right? Come on, Ben.
Unless I have him cryogenically frozen.
That way, we can drag his ass into board meetings.
Think anybody'd notice? I can't do it! I can't do it, Kee! It's not like I have a choice here, but I can't do it! Do what? Be him! All right, take it easy.
I'm next in line.
I have to take his chair, and-- and-- and I can't do it! I-I-I just can't! - You can do it.
- I can't! - I think you can! - Will you just please listen to me? I'm listening.
No one at the firm wants me to take dad's chair.
No one.
I don't want to take it! That's different.
Then don't.
I have to! I have to.
You don't get it.
You really don't get it, do you? - Yeah.
- Do you really? Not really, no.
Come on, let's go talk about that freezing option some more.
You got problems, man.
You got big problems.
I'm worried about you.
Come on.
If you're gonna live in the office, the least you could do is pick up after yourself.
Touching your dirty drawers is not part of my job description.
You know, that kind of attitude, Leanne, is why you're still single.
I've been with Bevan for two years.
- Beaver? - Bevan.
And he picks up his own boxers.
Listen, could you get Tony Hawk's manager on the phone for me? I just spoke to him, and he wants you to stop calling his client.
He says Tony doesn't forgive you, and he doesn't consider private-school kids needy.
But he did offer to send Ian Ziering or somebody called Heather from a celebrity diving show if you want.
No, school's got enough D-level celebrities without having to bus 'em in.
Listen, I promised Finn Tony.
It's your job as my assistant to make sure that I come through for my son.
And I want you to find out exactly what Carol Grady did with the excess insurance money, all right? What do you think I've been doing all day? Carol never deposited any of the checks into any account.
There's no trace of it, but here's a radical idea-- why don't you ask her what she did with the money? Nah, nah, nah.
Wrong again, Leanne.
I got a better idea.
Can I get a ride to school? Hello, Greg.
Remember me? No, I'm his mom's attorney.
Don't look at me like that.
Can I talk to you before your mom gets here? I bet it sucks having to do all this stuff for your brother who's not even sick, huh? My brother has cancer.
Look, I know you don't want to hurt your mom, okay? But if I'm going to keep her out of prison, I need you to tell me where she hid the insurance money.
It's the only shot your family has of staying together.
We're already together.
I just want us to be normal.
With these players, that's never gonna happen.
Look, normal's not so great anyway, okay? It's a word boring people made up to make the interesting ones feel less special.
Well, I'm not special either.
Hey, hey, hey, what are you talking about? You think I'd be hanging out here with some run-of-the-mill kid? You kind of remind me of my own son.
He's cool, and he's smart.
He never wants to disappoint me, even though I let him down every now and then.
The point is, you're the closest thing your screwy family has to a responsible adult, Greg.
I'm sorry.
You're gonna have to convince your mother to give the money back.
She spent it all.
What? That was $318,000.
What the hell'd she spend it on? Hey, I know she's not spending it on you Right? Come on, Greg, tell me what she did with the money.
There's this place she goes.
Hey, Kee.
How's it going? I thought you weren't welcome around here anymore.
His bad checks definitely aren't welcome.
I'm here on business.
Hey, if I was here to play, it wouldn't be the slots.
It'd be a game of skill.
Go get your cage manager.
I need to talk to him.
Any game you play, Kee, is cash only.
Okay.
Ho! - Oh, is that-- Yeah? - Business, huh? Cash only.
Hey, can I get a copy of that picture for the news outlets? They use this old shot of me.
It makes me look jowly.
Sure, I'll just deduct it from your winnings.
You want to charge me for a picture of myself? It's 20 bucks.
It's not the price.
It's the principle.
I shouldn't have to pay for my own image.
Well, then go look in the mirror, Kee.
How about your W-2s? You got a principle against paying taxes too? I do.
In fact, I happen to be in a protracted court battle about it.
Doesn't pay for itself.
$15,538.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Do me a favor, okay? Hang my picture over there between some of the older, more unattractive winners.
That way, I'll really pop.
Oh, anybody from the DA's office been asking about this woman? Kee.
What a surprise.
I think this is the first time you've called me.
Yeah.
It's how a gentlemen should behave.
I'm a big believer in chivalry.
Keep the change.
I will when I get my payment.
I'll keep every penny so I have more to lend you for more money.
That's how I get rich and you get poor.
I was talking to the cab driver.
You called me so I could listen to you pay someone else? You're sick, Kee.
This is why I would never date you.
I didn't know that was on the table, but good news-- I have your money.
Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh! I think the words you're looking for are, "Thank you, Keegan.
I may not have wanted to go out with you, but I was wrong not to believe in you.
" You don't understand women.
Where are you? I'll send the boys.
No! I can't have those ugly freaks over here scaring my jury-- absolutely not.
You think my cousins are ugly? Uh Look, I got to go.
Um Court is now in session! Look, I'm getting called in here.
I'll have your cash tonight, okay? And zero family resemblance.
What the hell is cancer kid doing here? He doesn't have cancer, remember? That's where the fraud charges come in.
- Carol! - Mr.
Deane.
I made my special cream-cheese brownies for good luck.
Get him out of here right now.
Out! Put him back in the car.
- He needs to be with me-- his blood count.
- Stop it! Crazy time is over, Carol, okay? I know where your money went.
Everybody knows where your money went.
You're looking at 15 years.
The only glimpse you'll have of these guys is behind a glass partition.
- No insanity plea? - No.
Prosecution has all the canceled checks.
They have everything.
No matter what anyone says, I love you both very much, okay? Wait in the car with your brother.
Make sure to tie his shoes, please.
I have a problem.
Good news is, I specialize in this sort of problem.
Instead of teaching him to ride a bike or cheering him on at Little League, Carol Grady put her son in a wheelchair and told him he had cancer.
You're so dead.
- Maybe.
- It'd be one thing if she used the money to pay her mortgage or water bill or put food on her table.
No one's gonna find her innocent of gambling it away.
I don't need them to find her innocent.
I need them to find her not guilty, and she can't be guilty if she's a victim.
Carol, try and act more like a victim.
She shaved her son's head and his eyebrows, and she stole his insurance money.
What are you doing with your face? Look at your hands.
Is this your casino's stamp on the back of the insurance checks made out to Carol Grady? Yup.
And do you see the person who cashed these checks in the courtroom? Let the record show he very quickly identified the defendant.
For the record, does your casino have a pharmacy or a radiology department or any facility for chemotherapy? No.
So what did Carol do with the money she got from the insurance checks? She played the slots.
You knew when Carol Grady was cashing those checks that that the money wasn't going towards her son's medical treatment, isn't that right? Yeah, so? I mean, welfare checks are supposed to go for rent, right? I mean, it's not my job to tell people how to spend their money.
But since you charge a fee to cash those checks, you take the money anyway, right, Joe? Objection.
The casino's not on trial.
Maybe they should be, Your Honor.
Sustained.
Okay, listen, your records say that you regularly send a town car to pick Mrs.
Grady up from her home? Wow.
That was awfully nice.
It's a perk for special clients.
Special clients are the ones that lose the most money at the casino.
They're also referred to as "Whales.
" It's okay, I'll withdraw it.
Those hotel rooms you got for Mrs.
Grady, those-- those perks too, Joe? We were just concerned for her safety, going home late at night.
He was concerned.
You were concerned? 'Cause it seems like, when I look at these W-2 forms here, the only times you guys were really worried is when she had big wins at your casino.
It's almost like you wanted to keep her close so she'd turn those big wins into big losses.
Look, I'm running a business, okay? It's not my fault she's a gambling addict.
You're right.
It's not.
All he did was provide the addict with the drug of choice.
Last time I checked, drug dealing was a felony.
I think I'm starting to win them over in there.
No, I'd say the four mothers on the panel would like to impose the death sentence by icy glare.
Everybody knows mothers can't be trusted, Leanne.
I'm talking about our people-- the addicts.
Any group of 12 is gonna have a few cokeheads in it, all right? It's gonna have some drunks.
I can't win this case on the facts.
I need to get someone on the jury to care more about Carol Grady than they do about the evidence.
Fine.
Back I go into the elevated and divine world of social media.
Hey! How's your case going? Did that woman really shave her child's head? No, don't bring up the bald kid.
- Tell me.
- Cancer kills my mood.
Don't.
But you like shaved things.
- Not heads.
- Tell me-- is she evil or insane or both? It's got to be both, right? Because evil is a branch of insanity, right? If you're got to talk trash, at least talk dirty trash.
Come on.
Hello, there, Keegan.
Jules, give us Where's my money, Kee? I thought you said you wrote him a check.
I don't take his checks, honey.
And I don't like my girls to debase themselves with money talk.
Keegan knows he has a ten-session credit limit, which is incredibly generous, considering I only give the Governor five.
It's disrespecting me to keep playing without paying.
Jules, I would never want to disrespect you.
Then I'll just take what I'm owed.
Why do you have your boxers on? Uh, seduction requires a little mystery, all right? Works for me.
It also requires cash, at least five sessions' worth.
And don't waste my time telling me that you don't have it.
What's that bulge in your pocket? This is, um This-- oh.
Hello! Look, I-I-- I happen to have some money right now, yes, but this is owed to a very violent predatory lender.
I can be very violent too.
All right.
Thank you.
You like a little mystery, huh? What can I say? I'm a sucker for a man in boxers.
Oh, yeah? See what I do with my pants on, then.
_ _ _ Hey.
Hey.
How are you? Good.
My dad-- he's the one who got him.
Yeah.
English, right? Keegan Deane-- Finn's father.
Parent-teacher conferences? Right.
Yes, of course.
You came in late.
Never had a teacher like you made it worthwhile to be prompt.
Mm.
You know, the kids are so excited about Tony Hawk coming.
He's a real inspiration to them.
He's a skateboarder.
Grown men on tiny wheels, turning tricks.
I don't know.
Tonight feels like it should be about the real heroes-- people like you, who shape minds and futures.
Where are the heroes? Neil Armstrong, Einstein Oliver Wendell Holmes.
Yeah, I think the kids want someone alive.
I'm a strong believer in not giving the kids everything they want, Miss Mullen.
Oh, well, in that case, maybe they should auction a day in the halls of justice with Keegan Deane.
- I like the way your mind works.
- Hi.
Miss Mullen.
- Hey, Miss Mullen.
- Oh, hey.
Finn, your father was just telling me how he's putting himself up as an auction prize.
Uh-oh.
Wow.
I can't wait to see how much that goes for.
How much what goes for? Kee.
He's offering himself off as a prize.
Oh! Really? Where's Tony? Uh, he'll be here.
- He's gonna call me when he's downstairs.
- Okay.
Being prompt is not his strong suit.
Scarlet.
Hi.
I think it's time to start the auction.
Everyone, this is Wendy, my auction co-chair.
Ah, Wendy, from the Kauai prize.
Yep.
Ah, now that's an auction prize.
I just can't wait to meet Tony.
What's he like? He's late.
Actually Tony? Hey! Where the hell are you? Still emphatically not coming, I'm afraid.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
You're already at the auction, aren't you? I am here at the auction right now, yes.
Oh, do that thing where you put your hand on your forehead.
Oh, God.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
This isn't about you.
You didn't do anything wrong.
Just-- no, no, no, no.
This isn't your fault.
Stop that.
I am the last thing you should worry about, Tony.
Don't think that way.
Just-- Okay.
Bye.
Cut the music.
Tony Hawk will not be here tonight.
Tony Hawk is dealing with some personal issues.
I'm sure many of you can imagine the sort of brutal pressures he's had to endure as a celebrity skateboard person Pressures that have taken him to some pretty challenging places.
This is my fault.
I thought he was better.
I thought he was healthy, and so I pushed him to come here tonight.
I pushed him for this school that we all love.
But it was too soon.
If you want to be disappointed you want to be mad, be mad at me.
Nobody blames Tony Hawk tonight.
Tony Hawk doesn't deserve your blame.
Tonight he deserves your prayers.
Thank you.
As compensation, I will make a $500 bid on $1,000 bid on whatever the next item is.
Hope it's Kauai.
- $1,000, right? - Yep.
We have $1,000 from Mr.
Keegan Deane.
Do I hear $2,000? Oh, come now, ladies and gentlemen.
We are all here to support our children.
We are.
Open your hearts and your pocketbooks tonight, folks.
That's what this night's all about.
Especially since we don't have Tony Hawk anymore.
$1,800.
- $1,800.
- There we go.
That's wonderful.
Do I hear $2,000, folks? Come on.
Oh, come on, ladies and gentlemen.
$1,800? That's an insult to children's charities everywhere.
- Ha.
- Kee, you remember Bruce.
Hi, Bruce.
Still juicing? Yeah.
Dad, his moves are the best.
$2,000.
$2,000.
Excellent.
$3,000.
$3,000.
That's more - $4,000.
- $5,000! Baby, what are you doing? I'm serious about you, Maddy.
- $8,000.
- You don't even know what you're buying.
$8,000 from Mr.
Deane.
For the kids.
You can't afford $8,000.
$9,000! $9,000, going once, going twice $10,000.
$10,000, you've done enough, Kee anyone else? Ten thousand one hundred dollars.
$100, Maddy? This is what you want sleeping in our bed, influencing our kid? - Hey.
- Listen you don't have to get into a pissing contest with Keegan just to prove you're serious.
Hey - Going twice - $12,000.
Twelve thousand dollars going once going twice sold to Mr.
Keegan Deane.
A record-breaking $12,000.
Who has won this adorable bench made by our wonderful third-grade class.
We're going to need that in cash, Mr.
Deane.
Thank you.
Yes, of course.
Number ten liked a page with bulk discounts on nicotine patches.
Juror number six has a blog that's hugely popular - with bird-watchers.
- Oh.
And from what I could gather, number 11's been on the Master Cleanse for considerably more days than recommended.
Everything social media had to offer.
Ms.
Humphrey, are you ready to present your closing argument? Thank you, Your Honor.
Sorry.
It's not about you.
- Number four? - Mm-hmm.
Carol Grady shaved her son's head.
Prosecution over here would like you to believe that Carol Grady is a heartless, razor-wielding monster.
But before you pass judgment, what would the prosecution say about all of you? After all, you're addicts too, right? Maybe you think you got your problem beat, 'cause you quit smoking.
That patch helps, doesn't it? But it says right there on the package, "Using more than one strip at a time can cause nicotine poisoning or death.
" Why would anybody risk death for an extra piece of skin-toned tape? 'Cause you're an addict.
Everybody knows how dangerous it is to blog and drive, don't they? Especially if you're near a school.
But when you happen to see a rare yellow warbler up in the tree, you can't help yourself.
Grab that phone and snap it, 'cause you're an addict.
Maybe you starve yourself with some no-calorie juice concoction, add a little vodka to your coffee every now and then, or collect deeply disturbing German scat porn.
It's okay.
We all have something we can't resist.
I'm no different than the rest of you.
It doesn't make us bad people.
It makes us addicts, just like Carol Grady.
You're probably thinking, "We don't shave our kids' heads.
" Only by the grace of God, because we don't have a casino exploiting our addiction for a profit.
Could you stick to your diet if a doughnut truck showed up to your house? Carol made bad decisions because she couldn't resist.
None of us could, because we're Addicts.
Addicts-- that's right.
Carol Grady's not a criminal.
You want to know who's guilty? Ask yourself who's got all the insurance money.
Good news-- your mom doesn't have to go to prison.
Are you going back to that other place? No.
I'll even give Mr.
Deane my frequent gamblers card to prove it.
- I'll take that, for all our sakes.
- Okay.
Bobby, what's wrong? Didn't you hear the good news? You don't have cancer, kid.
It means you're gonna live.
People aren't gonna be afraid of you anymore.
Yeah, I'll be just like everyone else.
Who's still better than any eight-year-old I know.
Well, I told the bailiff I'd give him my blondie recipe.
So Greg, will you tie your brother's shoes and put him into the van? You can tie your own shoes and walk yourself you hairless little freak.
Thanks, Mr.
Deane.
Guys Hey, Debbie! I just want to say I don't have the cash.
But I do have access to a pretty cool bench.
It just sold at auction for $12,000.
Consider the extra $1,000 a gift.
I don't like benches.
Okay, all right.
Guys, this isn't necessary, okay? We can settle this up down here on the sidewalk, all right? Hey, hey, whoa, whoa! This feels a little dramatic.
It's a great deal.
Very nice shower-- room for two.
I was hoping for a little more closet space.
You'll take it.
Debbie, you can't force somebody to live somewhere against their will.
It's called false imprisonment, and it's punishable by real imprisonment.
Hmm.
Well, so is breaking someone's legs.
I could arrange that instead, but I'd rather get my money.
Matchmakers are expensive, and your watch is crap.
Not every day you got a restaurant downstairs, you know? - Open for breakfast? - Yes.
How much? $800, everything included.
I mean $1,600.
Same thing, right? No.
My aunt thinks you're attractive.
Thanks, but I learned my lesson about sleeping with landlords.
Unless it would knock the rent back down to $800.
You're disgusting.
I'm joking.
You're gonna have to have a sense of humor if you're gonna make it out there in the dating scene.
Am I right, guys? Right? - You got it? - Yep.
- Oh! - Sorry.
How'd a bunch of third graders get this out of their classroom? I don't understand why you bought it.
That's a new low, even for you.
No, it's a new high.
Didn't you hear your principal? In here.
They said I set a record for supporting the school.
Um well, just put it here for now.
It beats Tony Hawk, huh? It's not even comfortable.
Well, it's art.
It's supp-- it's supposed to make you uncomfortable.
It beats Capoeira lessons.
All right.
Come on, dad, why do you have to say that? Bruce-- he's a nice guy.
I'm sure he is.
Your mother always had good taste in men.
I just want that father-and-son stuff to be our stuff, you know? For you and me.
In fact, I got you, um keys to the man cave.
Come on over anytime you want.
Thanks, dad.
Yeah, they say Echo Park's the new Silver Lake.
So Got a little Chinese restaurant downstairs.
You hungry? Yeah.
I'll buy you dinner.
Come on.
Hey, I know a professional unregistered lender who'd be happy to spot you.
Kee, good to see you! Hi, Tony.
A little awkward over that school-auction business, but I'll tell you what-- we're cool, all right? No, we're not.
I was lying.
I never want to see you again, Kee.
That's why I had you and your family banned from all my skate parks and my roller coaster.
Banned? What am I supposed to tell my kid-- that his idol can't take a joke? Tell him his dad's a dick.
This is not like you, Tony.
Huh? You started a whole foundation to celebrate individuality and give kids a healthy competitive edge.
I don't think you want to throw away all that good sportsmanship now.
For you, it's worth it.
I can be a bad sport too.
Let's play.
I'll get someone else to do it.
Kee, this is my friend, Bruce Mangan.
Help! Call an ambulance! A man has collapsed! It was a stroke.
The next few days are critical.
Roy, how do you know Keegan? I'm trying to collect this $59,000 he owes my boss.
- Pay your debts.
- Yeah.
Stay.
It's not every day you get to see the man who invented the stalefish go down.
I'm all-in.
He's in.
What's funny about it? It's funny 'cause I can see your tell.
I don't have a tell.
You do, and it's a little bit more of a girly tell than I like in my professional athletes.
- Quit stalling and play cards.
- Okay.
All right, I'm all-in.
I call your bluff, Tony Hawk.
That's it! Boom! Boom goes the dynamite! Right there, I told you.
The Hawkman goes down! Faster than a 1080 on a mega-ramp! Boom! Boom! Boom! Oh, come on, come-- hey, hey, sit down.
I went too far.
I'm sorry.
You don't have a tell.
I'm outta here.
Tony, hey, I'll see you Thursday night at that auction, okay? We'll raise money for Finn's school.
- It'll be great.
- Uh, I have other plans.
What? No, my kid's counting on you, Tony.
You're his favorite skateboard legend.
He'll come back.
He'll come back.
Some people don't know how to lose-- that's the problem.
This guy's been cheating all night.
You been palming cards, you little freak.
You're cheating.
You know who the quietest people are? Serial killers.
Right here.
Any of you guys got a car? Huh? I need a ride downtown.
Come on, it's supposed to be a gentleman's game.
We'll give you a ride.
No, I'm good.
Thanks.
Debbie wants a word.
Your loan's due, $11,000.
I ran into a little bit of a housing problem, in that I don't have any housing.
I'm taking care of some other creditors.
I'm gonna pay you every cent, Debbie, every cent plus interest.
My aunt has an apartment for rent in Echo Park.
- Excuse me? - You settle there, pay me first, you get 5% off.
Oh.
No, no, that's-- that's very nice, but I don't really like to mix business and living situations, and I think 5%'s a little low.
Late payments pay double interest.
What? No, no, that's way out of line with the market.
When your father was in charge, he was a reasonable man with reasonable rates.
And now he's in a nursing home, which costs me a ton.
I thought you people value your elders.
You're think of the Japanese.
The Chinese send their elders to the Suicide Forrest, which happens to be in Japan, and it's where my boys will take you if I don't get my money.
Give me your watch.
You need collateral too? No, I just want it.
Give her the watch.
Stick to your payment schedule, or my boys will smash your pretty face in.
Okay, you look very handsome today.
Greg, will you please go tie your brother's shoes? Mwah.
I put snickerdoodles in there for both of you, okay? Let's go.
All right.
Okay, come here.
You're the bravest boys I know.
Have a great day.
I love you.
Hi, Carol.
How are you? Hi.
I'm great.
Thank you.
I made some with no nuts.
I know Tommy doesn't like crunchy things.
You are so sweet.
You know, I would be happy to take the boys for a sleepover whenever you need a break.
Oh, I never need a break from being their mom.
Every minute's a gift.
- Mrs.
Grady? - Officer.
You're under arrest for fraud.
Wha-- what? I don't understand.
Did I forget to sign a check? Wait.
Wait.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be held against you - in a court of law.
- No, wait.
No, there must be some mistake.
- Look okay? - Yes.
We're gonna get a lot of press on this case.
Nothing more sympathetic than representing a poor woman who's being harassed by an insurance company.
Kid doesn't have cancer.
That's an inappropriate joke, Leanne.
I've seen the tests.
That child is perfectly healthy.
You can't fake cancer, Leanne.
Carol used to work at an oncologist's office.
She forged Bobby's medical records and insurance files and then pocketed the hundreds of thousands of dollars she got for his treatment, not to mention the toys from the police toy-drive.
Well, obviously, the hospital made a terrible mistake, which they're prone to do.
We'll have him tested again.
This is the fourth test.
He can't be healthy.
He's bald.
My dad's bald.
He doesn't have cancer.
That's different.
He's a man.
Carol Grady is a pillar of the community who's being persecuted by a corrupt insurance company.
Can she still pay? Yes, and she's waiting.
She's in there right now? With your toiletries.
Mr.
Deane, thank goodness.
I hope you like chocolate chip.
Oh, I do, I do, I do.
Uh, I'll be right back.
Excuse me.
Can I talk to you for a second? - You let her bring the kid in here? - What's the problem? You don't want him to find out he doesn't have cancer? How long's he been in there? It's one thing to be a cancerphobe, but you realize that fake cancer's even less contagious than real cancer? He doesn't have any hair.
The disease is in him somewhere, and I need a new toothbrush.
'Cause this one has cancer? You realize you have to go back in there.
Thank you so much, Leanne.
Didn't want to upset the little guy.
All this legal mumbo-jumbo talk here, but these tests show that Bobby is cancer-free.
So we just are gonna be needing some sort of other explanation for all these many, many, many, many tests you sent in to the insurance company, something, obviously, other than fraud.
I can't imagine how much paperwork's involved.
Maybe it was a filing error, right? These new tests must mean he's finally in remission.
Uh, actually, these tests show that Bobby never had cancer or any treatment for cancer, which I'm guessing you knew because you shaved his head, rather than subject him to chemotherapy he didn't need or have.
Okay.
I don't know what kind of people you usually defend, Mr.
Deane, but I love my son, and I'm hurt that you'd accuse me of faking his cancer.
The state's actually the one doing the accusing here, Mrs.
Grady.
I'm just trying to put together a believable defense, and I'd love your help with that.
My defense is that Bobby has cancer.
You can ask him yourself.
Or ask Greg how hard it's been to worry every day about losing his brother.
It's really hard.
I mean, what kind of crazy person would fake a child's illness with sugar pills and vitamin IVs? Well, insanity does seem like your most viable defense.
I can't lose my children, Mr.
Deane.
Nothing's more important than being there for my boys.
I understand.
I have a son I'm pretty involved with myself.
Uh that thing got the time on it? Uh, it's 10:30.
I'll talk to the prosecution and see if we can work something out, okay? You can show yourself out of here.
Thank you.
Oh, hi.
Sorry I'm late.
I'm Keegan Deane.
I'm Finn's dad.
Hi.
I'm Stacy Mullen, Finn's English teacher.
Nice to finally meet you.
I thought you said you couldn't make it.
Something about parent-teacher conferences pandering to illiterates who can't read report cards.
It's a joke.
No, nothing more important than being a good parent, and that includes getting to know Finn's teachers.
Well, I was just telling Maddy that Finn has really mastered the nuance of language.
They say that's genetic, and I'm actually using that very mastery right now on a high-profile case here in Los Angeles.
I donated some of Finn's old clothes to that woman's cancer drive.
I'm thinking of asking for them back so I can donate them to a real worthy cause.
Well, why don't you do that, then, right now? Stacy and I will finish up here with Finn.
Are you hungry? Uh, n-- I have a-another conference coming in.
- Okay.
- But I can talk to you at the fund-raiser on Thursday night.
Finn has been telling everyone you're bringing Tony Hawk to auction off a day with him at his skate park, and he's really excited.
Yeah, yeah, Tony's, uh less exciting in real life.
I can tell you, he's Can't get the air anymore and tries to prove how important he is by randomly canceling plans, so we'll see.
Um, you know, the kids already have set up the half-pipe.
Well, they should set up the whole damn pipe, then, because he'll be there.
For me and for Finn.
He'll be there.
Great.
Well, then I will see you both on Thursday.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Yeah, that's all.
It was great talking to you.
- Yeah, sure.
- Thank you.
It was nice to meet you both.
So you lost Tony? Don't be ridiculous.
I think you should worry more about embarrassing your son than impressing his teacher.
When have I ever embarrassed my son? I'm not gonna start now.
Hey, Tony Hawk! What's up, hot dog? Kee calling again.
Listen, I'm just reminding you of this auction Thursday night, okay? A lot of these needy kids are counting on you, as is my son, so I know you wouldn't hold it against me for getting a lucky hand.
All right? We'll go together, play some poker afterwards.
This is why the article is an important part of speech.
Yeah? The "The" in "The Four Seasons" is how you know it's the hotel, right? And not the time of the year when the weather changes.
Glad I caught that little life lesson.
Oh.
How's Ben's dad doing? Terribly.
Karma's a bitch.
Hey, don't let Ben hear you say that, okay? Okay, okay.
Listen, I need a little help on that Carol Grady case.
Lisa Humphrey's the ADA on that.
Yeah, she won't return my calls.
Because the Mayor still hates you.
Remember him? It's her boss and mine, as a matter of fact.
That's not my client's fault, and I need to get her an insanity plea so her kids don't lose their mother.
The mother you just said is insane? Scarlet, the entire therapeutic industry is founded on the principle that all mothers are insane.
Back me up, Zoe.
You love your crazy mom, right? - Hey.
- Hmm? There will be no guilty plea until Carol gives the money back.
Hey, that looks good.
Who's "Crazy Wendy"? That is my auction co-chair, the one who has been trying to edge me out with her agent husband's high-priced donations.
I cannot wait to make her eat volcanic dirt when Tony Hawk goes for more than a week in Kauai! What is everybody's obsession with this school-auction thing? You're a grown woman.
Save your political backstabbing energy for work.
Hey, Wendy.
Look at that.
That's what I'm saying.
I got the bag, go ahead.
People's champion, Ali.
Can't dance like Ali.
More like Foreman.
Damn, has Scarlet seen this? Wow, been taking those peptides, baby? Whoo.
You okay? Yeah, I'm okay.
My father's gonna die, Kee.
Hey, you don't know that.
Yes, I do.
He's gonna die one day.
He has to, right? Come on, Ben.
Unless I have him cryogenically frozen.
That way, we can drag his ass into board meetings.
Think anybody'd notice? I can't do it! I can't do it, Kee! It's not like I have a choice here, but I can't do it! Do what? Be him! All right, take it easy.
I'm next in line.
I have to take his chair, and-- and-- and I can't do it! I-I-I just can't! - You can do it.
- I can't! - I think you can! - Will you just please listen to me? I'm listening.
No one at the firm wants me to take dad's chair.
No one.
I don't want to take it! That's different.
Then don't.
I have to! I have to.
You don't get it.
You really don't get it, do you? - Yeah.
- Do you really? Not really, no.
Come on, let's go talk about that freezing option some more.
You got problems, man.
You got big problems.
I'm worried about you.
Come on.
If you're gonna live in the office, the least you could do is pick up after yourself.
Touching your dirty drawers is not part of my job description.
You know, that kind of attitude, Leanne, is why you're still single.
I've been with Bevan for two years.
- Beaver? - Bevan.
And he picks up his own boxers.
Listen, could you get Tony Hawk's manager on the phone for me? I just spoke to him, and he wants you to stop calling his client.
He says Tony doesn't forgive you, and he doesn't consider private-school kids needy.
But he did offer to send Ian Ziering or somebody called Heather from a celebrity diving show if you want.
No, school's got enough D-level celebrities without having to bus 'em in.
Listen, I promised Finn Tony.
It's your job as my assistant to make sure that I come through for my son.
And I want you to find out exactly what Carol Grady did with the excess insurance money, all right? What do you think I've been doing all day? Carol never deposited any of the checks into any account.
There's no trace of it, but here's a radical idea-- why don't you ask her what she did with the money? Nah, nah, nah.
Wrong again, Leanne.
I got a better idea.
Can I get a ride to school? Hello, Greg.
Remember me? No, I'm his mom's attorney.
Don't look at me like that.
Can I talk to you before your mom gets here? I bet it sucks having to do all this stuff for your brother who's not even sick, huh? My brother has cancer.
Look, I know you don't want to hurt your mom, okay? But if I'm going to keep her out of prison, I need you to tell me where she hid the insurance money.
It's the only shot your family has of staying together.
We're already together.
I just want us to be normal.
With these players, that's never gonna happen.
Look, normal's not so great anyway, okay? It's a word boring people made up to make the interesting ones feel less special.
Well, I'm not special either.
Hey, hey, hey, what are you talking about? You think I'd be hanging out here with some run-of-the-mill kid? You kind of remind me of my own son.
He's cool, and he's smart.
He never wants to disappoint me, even though I let him down every now and then.
The point is, you're the closest thing your screwy family has to a responsible adult, Greg.
I'm sorry.
You're gonna have to convince your mother to give the money back.
She spent it all.
What? That was $318,000.
What the hell'd she spend it on? Hey, I know she's not spending it on you Right? Come on, Greg, tell me what she did with the money.
There's this place she goes.
Hey, Kee.
How's it going? I thought you weren't welcome around here anymore.
His bad checks definitely aren't welcome.
I'm here on business.
Hey, if I was here to play, it wouldn't be the slots.
It'd be a game of skill.
Go get your cage manager.
I need to talk to him.
Any game you play, Kee, is cash only.
Okay.
Ho! - Oh, is that-- Yeah? - Business, huh? Cash only.
Hey, can I get a copy of that picture for the news outlets? They use this old shot of me.
It makes me look jowly.
Sure, I'll just deduct it from your winnings.
You want to charge me for a picture of myself? It's 20 bucks.
It's not the price.
It's the principle.
I shouldn't have to pay for my own image.
Well, then go look in the mirror, Kee.
How about your W-2s? You got a principle against paying taxes too? I do.
In fact, I happen to be in a protracted court battle about it.
Doesn't pay for itself.
$15,538.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Do me a favor, okay? Hang my picture over there between some of the older, more unattractive winners.
That way, I'll really pop.
Oh, anybody from the DA's office been asking about this woman? Kee.
What a surprise.
I think this is the first time you've called me.
Yeah.
It's how a gentlemen should behave.
I'm a big believer in chivalry.
Keep the change.
I will when I get my payment.
I'll keep every penny so I have more to lend you for more money.
That's how I get rich and you get poor.
I was talking to the cab driver.
You called me so I could listen to you pay someone else? You're sick, Kee.
This is why I would never date you.
I didn't know that was on the table, but good news-- I have your money.
Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh! I think the words you're looking for are, "Thank you, Keegan.
I may not have wanted to go out with you, but I was wrong not to believe in you.
" You don't understand women.
Where are you? I'll send the boys.
No! I can't have those ugly freaks over here scaring my jury-- absolutely not.
You think my cousins are ugly? Uh Look, I got to go.
Um Court is now in session! Look, I'm getting called in here.
I'll have your cash tonight, okay? And zero family resemblance.
What the hell is cancer kid doing here? He doesn't have cancer, remember? That's where the fraud charges come in.
- Carol! - Mr.
Deane.
I made my special cream-cheese brownies for good luck.
Get him out of here right now.
Out! Put him back in the car.
- He needs to be with me-- his blood count.
- Stop it! Crazy time is over, Carol, okay? I know where your money went.
Everybody knows where your money went.
You're looking at 15 years.
The only glimpse you'll have of these guys is behind a glass partition.
- No insanity plea? - No.
Prosecution has all the canceled checks.
They have everything.
No matter what anyone says, I love you both very much, okay? Wait in the car with your brother.
Make sure to tie his shoes, please.
I have a problem.
Good news is, I specialize in this sort of problem.
Instead of teaching him to ride a bike or cheering him on at Little League, Carol Grady put her son in a wheelchair and told him he had cancer.
You're so dead.
- Maybe.
- It'd be one thing if she used the money to pay her mortgage or water bill or put food on her table.
No one's gonna find her innocent of gambling it away.
I don't need them to find her innocent.
I need them to find her not guilty, and she can't be guilty if she's a victim.
Carol, try and act more like a victim.
She shaved her son's head and his eyebrows, and she stole his insurance money.
What are you doing with your face? Look at your hands.
Is this your casino's stamp on the back of the insurance checks made out to Carol Grady? Yup.
And do you see the person who cashed these checks in the courtroom? Let the record show he very quickly identified the defendant.
For the record, does your casino have a pharmacy or a radiology department or any facility for chemotherapy? No.
So what did Carol do with the money she got from the insurance checks? She played the slots.
You knew when Carol Grady was cashing those checks that that the money wasn't going towards her son's medical treatment, isn't that right? Yeah, so? I mean, welfare checks are supposed to go for rent, right? I mean, it's not my job to tell people how to spend their money.
But since you charge a fee to cash those checks, you take the money anyway, right, Joe? Objection.
The casino's not on trial.
Maybe they should be, Your Honor.
Sustained.
Okay, listen, your records say that you regularly send a town car to pick Mrs.
Grady up from her home? Wow.
That was awfully nice.
It's a perk for special clients.
Special clients are the ones that lose the most money at the casino.
They're also referred to as "Whales.
" It's okay, I'll withdraw it.
Those hotel rooms you got for Mrs.
Grady, those-- those perks too, Joe? We were just concerned for her safety, going home late at night.
He was concerned.
You were concerned? 'Cause it seems like, when I look at these W-2 forms here, the only times you guys were really worried is when she had big wins at your casino.
It's almost like you wanted to keep her close so she'd turn those big wins into big losses.
Look, I'm running a business, okay? It's not my fault she's a gambling addict.
You're right.
It's not.
All he did was provide the addict with the drug of choice.
Last time I checked, drug dealing was a felony.
I think I'm starting to win them over in there.
No, I'd say the four mothers on the panel would like to impose the death sentence by icy glare.
Everybody knows mothers can't be trusted, Leanne.
I'm talking about our people-- the addicts.
Any group of 12 is gonna have a few cokeheads in it, all right? It's gonna have some drunks.
I can't win this case on the facts.
I need to get someone on the jury to care more about Carol Grady than they do about the evidence.
Fine.
Back I go into the elevated and divine world of social media.
Hey! How's your case going? Did that woman really shave her child's head? No, don't bring up the bald kid.
- Tell me.
- Cancer kills my mood.
Don't.
But you like shaved things.
- Not heads.
- Tell me-- is she evil or insane or both? It's got to be both, right? Because evil is a branch of insanity, right? If you're got to talk trash, at least talk dirty trash.
Come on.
Hello, there, Keegan.
Jules, give us Where's my money, Kee? I thought you said you wrote him a check.
I don't take his checks, honey.
And I don't like my girls to debase themselves with money talk.
Keegan knows he has a ten-session credit limit, which is incredibly generous, considering I only give the Governor five.
It's disrespecting me to keep playing without paying.
Jules, I would never want to disrespect you.
Then I'll just take what I'm owed.
Why do you have your boxers on? Uh, seduction requires a little mystery, all right? Works for me.
It also requires cash, at least five sessions' worth.
And don't waste my time telling me that you don't have it.
What's that bulge in your pocket? This is, um This-- oh.
Hello! Look, I-I-- I happen to have some money right now, yes, but this is owed to a very violent predatory lender.
I can be very violent too.
All right.
Thank you.
You like a little mystery, huh? What can I say? I'm a sucker for a man in boxers.
Oh, yeah? See what I do with my pants on, then.
_ _ _ Hey.
Hey.
How are you? Good.
My dad-- he's the one who got him.
Yeah.
English, right? Keegan Deane-- Finn's father.
Parent-teacher conferences? Right.
Yes, of course.
You came in late.
Never had a teacher like you made it worthwhile to be prompt.
Mm.
You know, the kids are so excited about Tony Hawk coming.
He's a real inspiration to them.
He's a skateboarder.
Grown men on tiny wheels, turning tricks.
I don't know.
Tonight feels like it should be about the real heroes-- people like you, who shape minds and futures.
Where are the heroes? Neil Armstrong, Einstein Oliver Wendell Holmes.
Yeah, I think the kids want someone alive.
I'm a strong believer in not giving the kids everything they want, Miss Mullen.
Oh, well, in that case, maybe they should auction a day in the halls of justice with Keegan Deane.
- I like the way your mind works.
- Hi.
Miss Mullen.
- Hey, Miss Mullen.
- Oh, hey.
Finn, your father was just telling me how he's putting himself up as an auction prize.
Uh-oh.
Wow.
I can't wait to see how much that goes for.
How much what goes for? Kee.
He's offering himself off as a prize.
Oh! Really? Where's Tony? Uh, he'll be here.
- He's gonna call me when he's downstairs.
- Okay.
Being prompt is not his strong suit.
Scarlet.
Hi.
I think it's time to start the auction.
Everyone, this is Wendy, my auction co-chair.
Ah, Wendy, from the Kauai prize.
Yep.
Ah, now that's an auction prize.
I just can't wait to meet Tony.
What's he like? He's late.
Actually Tony? Hey! Where the hell are you? Still emphatically not coming, I'm afraid.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
You're already at the auction, aren't you? I am here at the auction right now, yes.
Oh, do that thing where you put your hand on your forehead.
Oh, God.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
This isn't about you.
You didn't do anything wrong.
Just-- no, no, no, no.
This isn't your fault.
Stop that.
I am the last thing you should worry about, Tony.
Don't think that way.
Just-- Okay.
Bye.
Cut the music.
Tony Hawk will not be here tonight.
Tony Hawk is dealing with some personal issues.
I'm sure many of you can imagine the sort of brutal pressures he's had to endure as a celebrity skateboard person Pressures that have taken him to some pretty challenging places.
This is my fault.
I thought he was better.
I thought he was healthy, and so I pushed him to come here tonight.
I pushed him for this school that we all love.
But it was too soon.
If you want to be disappointed you want to be mad, be mad at me.
Nobody blames Tony Hawk tonight.
Tony Hawk doesn't deserve your blame.
Tonight he deserves your prayers.
Thank you.
As compensation, I will make a $500 bid on $1,000 bid on whatever the next item is.
Hope it's Kauai.
- $1,000, right? - Yep.
We have $1,000 from Mr.
Keegan Deane.
Do I hear $2,000? Oh, come now, ladies and gentlemen.
We are all here to support our children.
We are.
Open your hearts and your pocketbooks tonight, folks.
That's what this night's all about.
Especially since we don't have Tony Hawk anymore.
$1,800.
- $1,800.
- There we go.
That's wonderful.
Do I hear $2,000, folks? Come on.
Oh, come on, ladies and gentlemen.
$1,800? That's an insult to children's charities everywhere.
- Ha.
- Kee, you remember Bruce.
Hi, Bruce.
Still juicing? Yeah.
Dad, his moves are the best.
$2,000.
$2,000.
Excellent.
$3,000.
$3,000.
That's more - $4,000.
- $5,000! Baby, what are you doing? I'm serious about you, Maddy.
- $8,000.
- You don't even know what you're buying.
$8,000 from Mr.
Deane.
For the kids.
You can't afford $8,000.
$9,000! $9,000, going once, going twice $10,000.
$10,000, you've done enough, Kee anyone else? Ten thousand one hundred dollars.
$100, Maddy? This is what you want sleeping in our bed, influencing our kid? - Hey.
- Listen you don't have to get into a pissing contest with Keegan just to prove you're serious.
Hey - Going twice - $12,000.
Twelve thousand dollars going once going twice sold to Mr.
Keegan Deane.
A record-breaking $12,000.
Who has won this adorable bench made by our wonderful third-grade class.
We're going to need that in cash, Mr.
Deane.
Thank you.
Yes, of course.
Number ten liked a page with bulk discounts on nicotine patches.
Juror number six has a blog that's hugely popular - with bird-watchers.
- Oh.
And from what I could gather, number 11's been on the Master Cleanse for considerably more days than recommended.
Everything social media had to offer.
Ms.
Humphrey, are you ready to present your closing argument? Thank you, Your Honor.
Sorry.
It's not about you.
- Number four? - Mm-hmm.
Carol Grady shaved her son's head.
Prosecution over here would like you to believe that Carol Grady is a heartless, razor-wielding monster.
But before you pass judgment, what would the prosecution say about all of you? After all, you're addicts too, right? Maybe you think you got your problem beat, 'cause you quit smoking.
That patch helps, doesn't it? But it says right there on the package, "Using more than one strip at a time can cause nicotine poisoning or death.
" Why would anybody risk death for an extra piece of skin-toned tape? 'Cause you're an addict.
Everybody knows how dangerous it is to blog and drive, don't they? Especially if you're near a school.
But when you happen to see a rare yellow warbler up in the tree, you can't help yourself.
Grab that phone and snap it, 'cause you're an addict.
Maybe you starve yourself with some no-calorie juice concoction, add a little vodka to your coffee every now and then, or collect deeply disturbing German scat porn.
It's okay.
We all have something we can't resist.
I'm no different than the rest of you.
It doesn't make us bad people.
It makes us addicts, just like Carol Grady.
You're probably thinking, "We don't shave our kids' heads.
" Only by the grace of God, because we don't have a casino exploiting our addiction for a profit.
Could you stick to your diet if a doughnut truck showed up to your house? Carol made bad decisions because she couldn't resist.
None of us could, because we're Addicts.
Addicts-- that's right.
Carol Grady's not a criminal.
You want to know who's guilty? Ask yourself who's got all the insurance money.
Good news-- your mom doesn't have to go to prison.
Are you going back to that other place? No.
I'll even give Mr.
Deane my frequent gamblers card to prove it.
- I'll take that, for all our sakes.
- Okay.
Bobby, what's wrong? Didn't you hear the good news? You don't have cancer, kid.
It means you're gonna live.
People aren't gonna be afraid of you anymore.
Yeah, I'll be just like everyone else.
Who's still better than any eight-year-old I know.
Well, I told the bailiff I'd give him my blondie recipe.
So Greg, will you tie your brother's shoes and put him into the van? You can tie your own shoes and walk yourself you hairless little freak.
Thanks, Mr.
Deane.
Guys Hey, Debbie! I just want to say I don't have the cash.
But I do have access to a pretty cool bench.
It just sold at auction for $12,000.
Consider the extra $1,000 a gift.
I don't like benches.
Okay, all right.
Guys, this isn't necessary, okay? We can settle this up down here on the sidewalk, all right? Hey, hey, whoa, whoa! This feels a little dramatic.
It's a great deal.
Very nice shower-- room for two.
I was hoping for a little more closet space.
You'll take it.
Debbie, you can't force somebody to live somewhere against their will.
It's called false imprisonment, and it's punishable by real imprisonment.
Hmm.
Well, so is breaking someone's legs.
I could arrange that instead, but I'd rather get my money.
Matchmakers are expensive, and your watch is crap.
Not every day you got a restaurant downstairs, you know? - Open for breakfast? - Yes.
How much? $800, everything included.
I mean $1,600.
Same thing, right? No.
My aunt thinks you're attractive.
Thanks, but I learned my lesson about sleeping with landlords.
Unless it would knock the rent back down to $800.
You're disgusting.
I'm joking.
You're gonna have to have a sense of humor if you're gonna make it out there in the dating scene.
Am I right, guys? Right? - You got it? - Yep.
- Oh! - Sorry.
How'd a bunch of third graders get this out of their classroom? I don't understand why you bought it.
That's a new low, even for you.
No, it's a new high.
Didn't you hear your principal? In here.
They said I set a record for supporting the school.
Um well, just put it here for now.
It beats Tony Hawk, huh? It's not even comfortable.
Well, it's art.
It's supp-- it's supposed to make you uncomfortable.
It beats Capoeira lessons.
All right.
Come on, dad, why do you have to say that? Bruce-- he's a nice guy.
I'm sure he is.
Your mother always had good taste in men.
I just want that father-and-son stuff to be our stuff, you know? For you and me.
In fact, I got you, um keys to the man cave.
Come on over anytime you want.
Thanks, dad.
Yeah, they say Echo Park's the new Silver Lake.
So Got a little Chinese restaurant downstairs.
You hungry? Yeah.
I'll buy you dinner.
Come on.
Hey, I know a professional unregistered lender who'd be happy to spot you.
Kee, good to see you! Hi, Tony.
A little awkward over that school-auction business, but I'll tell you what-- we're cool, all right? No, we're not.
I was lying.
I never want to see you again, Kee.
That's why I had you and your family banned from all my skate parks and my roller coaster.
Banned? What am I supposed to tell my kid-- that his idol can't take a joke? Tell him his dad's a dick.
This is not like you, Tony.
Huh? You started a whole foundation to celebrate individuality and give kids a healthy competitive edge.
I don't think you want to throw away all that good sportsmanship now.
For you, it's worth it.
I can be a bad sport too.
Let's play.