Red Dwarf s01e03 Episode Script

(DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC) This is an SOS distress call from the mining ship Red Dwarf.
The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak.
The only survivors were Dave Lister, who was in suspended animation during the disaster, and his pregnant cat, who was safely sealed in the hold.
Revived three million years later, Lister's only companions are a life form who evolved from his cat and Arnold Rimmer, a hologram simulation of one of the dead crew.
In the three million years we have been away, it is my fond hope that mankind has abolished war, cured all disease and got rid of those little western saloon doors you get in trendy shops.
- 140,000 rehydrateable chickens.
- Check.
- 72 tons of reconstituted patty.
- Check.
It's Saturday night.
I've had enough.
It's Saturday night.
I want to boogie on down.
We've been doing this for four hours.
Let's have a break.
Will you stop saying Rimmer, I want to go for a drink.
- I want some fun! - This is fun, are you mad? You read something out, I say "check".
Where's the fun? All right.
We'll put you in command for a few seconds, Cap-i-tain.
What's the plan? Lickety-split.
- Go back to Earth.
- And in the meantime? I dunno.
Just sort of generally slob around have a few laughs.
Excellent plan, Lister.
Excellent plan.
Brilliant plan.
I was thinking you hadn't thought about it.
Clearly, you have.
I'll stand over here and laugh slobbily, shall I? I'm going for a drink.
Where's me cigarettes? I only owe you four and three quarters.
You owe me five.
Five days, five cigarettes.
I'm penalising you one quarter of a cigarette for saying, "check" in a variety of silly voices, while doing the homogenised puddings.
Well, I'm taking five.
You do and I'll eject the rest of the ship's stock into space.
Ha, ha, ha.
So, they're somewhere near an airlock? Ha, ha, ha.
You'll never find them, Lister.
I was always a master at "Hide and Seek" as a child.
- It's not a gift you lose.
- 0K, quark brain.
Even it out.
Take out the flaky bits.
Have a lovely, lovely time, Lister.
Give my regards to the air.
Lights! Holly, why Rimmer as a hologram? Why did you have to bring Rimmer's hologram back? He was the most unpopular man on this ship.
He even had to organise his own surprise birthday parties.
Who should I have brought back, then? Anyone.
Chen Petersen Hermann Göring would have been more of a laugh than Rimmer.
but at least we could have gone dancing.
Water! I brought Rimmer back because he's the best person to keep you sane.
Not you! Sorry, I wasn't paying attention.
See you later.
What about Kristine Kochanski? You could have brought Kristine back.
Your entire life, your shared conversations with her - totalled 173 words.
- So? In terms of wordage, you had a better relationship with your plant.
- I know, but Rimmer! - He's the person you knew best.
Over 14 million words in all.
Seven million of those were me telling him to smeg off, and the rest were him putting me on report for telling him to smeg off.
Jean-Paul Sartre said hell was being locked forever in a room with your friends.
Yeah, well, all his mates were French.
(LISTER HUMS) Aaaaaaah! Blwoooooo! (RAP BEAT) I've been to Titan, I've been to juno.
I can name eight things that go in jars that you know.
Pickles.
- Jam.
- Spaghetti.
Brains.
What, in jars? Me uncle's brain is in a jar.
It's really sad.
- Why's it sad? - He's not dead yet.
Everybody's punished.
Finish your drinks.
(GARGLE) (ALL) Argh, yeah, yargh.
Will you please excuse me? Some of us have more important things to do than wiggle our posteriors.
Will you move, please? Thank you.
Excuse me, please.
Excuse me.
If you want to dance, do it over there.
- 0w! - Sorry.
That woman is out of your league.
- She's too classy for you.
- Who is? - Kochanski.
- I've no big thing about Kochanski.
Stick to your usual type.
Women with little wispy beards who wear three overcoats and carry little bags of string.
- 0fficer Kochanski?! - Sh! Shut up! - Have you eaten a coconut whole? - You've no chance with her.
- You're just too ugly.
- I've no big thing about Kochanski.
- I have.
- So have I.
- Where's my revision timetable? - Sir, it's Saturday night.
Nobody works Saturday night.
You don't work ANY night or day! Skive hard, play hard, that's our motto.
I've got my engineering re-sit on Monday.
I don't know anything.
Where is my timetable? Is it the thing with all different colours, with subjects divided into study and rest periods, - and self-testing times? - It took me seven weeks to make it.
Now I've to cram the revision in one night! The thing with a note on it, in red, "Vital, valuable, urgent.
Do not touch on pain of death"? - Yes! - I threw it away.
- Ha-ha, tee-hee.
Where is it? - I pinned it up on the wall.
- Why? - To dry it out.
- What do you mean, dry it out? - I spilt a goat vindaloo on it.
It's a bit red, but you can read most of it if you scrape the lumps off! You spoilt my No, I haven't time, I'm taking learning drugs and memorising this conversation.
- They're illegal.
- Where's my timetable, Lister? It's Saturday night.
You don't work Saturday night.
You don't work any night or any day.
Skive hard, play hard - my motto.
(C0NTINUES T0 REPEAT) (GR0UP) Brrrrr Bleaaaa I've been to Titan, I've been to Lobanski I can name 90 men who've slept with Kochanski.
- Me, me, me! - The London jet juniors! - The Service Droids! - My mother.
Alone.
Aaaargh! How'm I looking? I'm looking nice.
My hair is nice, my face is nice, my suit is nice.
I'm looking really nice.
Aawh! Jump back.
0oh-eah.
Hey! Get down.
Wonder how I'm looking now? Still looking nice.
My hair's still nice.
My face is still nice My suit.
I'm just nice, period.
Aawh! Jump back.
Get down.
0ooh, heh! Good evening, you stupid, stinking, festering, gimboid of a cat.
Ah, you're going to put these cigarettes back, aren't you? Excuse me! This is my all-time lucky find I ever found in the whole of today.
No.
You're going to put these cigarettes back before he comes.
- These are mine.
- They're not, put them back.
See this hand? It is mine.
See these things? They are mine.
- I'll give you a fish.
- 0ne fish? Ha! - Two fish.
- For all these shiny things? I'll show you how to get all the fish you'll ever need.
- Five fish? - Mmmm.
- Five fish! I'll be rich.
- You certainly will, yes, come on.
Hey, hey Five fish? - Six fish.
- 0ooooh! # 0h, dance, yeah, dance # Lister, what on Titan is this din? - LISTER! (TAPED MUSIC C0NTINUES) - What on Titan is this din? - It's Rasta Billy Skank.
Is this it? It has a health warning on it.
It's bad for you.
- It's a classic.
- "Danger! Health Warning: "This music can make you irritable, irrational, "and is linked with disorders of the nervous system and bowels.
" No one takes notice of that stuff.
If you want to dice with death, fine, but don't poison my sound waves.
0ff.
(MUSIC ST0PS) Why don't you listen to something really classical, like Mozart, Mendelssohn or Motorhead? I think I've gone video blind.
Is that painting yours? It's rubbish.
It's a mirror! I need some sleep.
Rimmer, do you remember Kristine Kochanski? Navigation 0fficer? Yes, I remember her.
Snooty cow.
She looked down on me, called me "Rimmer".
Everybody called you Rimmer.
It's the way she said it - "Rimmer".
"Rimmer", to rhyme with "scum".
God, she had a chip on her shoulder.
- I want to go on a date with her.
- Tough.
She's dead.
- Just one night - No.
- Turn you off for four hours - No.
No.
- Spend time with her hologram - No.
You're worried I won't turn you back on I promise if you tell me where you've hidden the hologram disc - No.
- You won't even discuss it.
We are discussing it, Lister.
What's this if not a discussion? A diesel locomotive? I promise, I swear I'll turn you back on.
Is that it, the entire proposal? - Yes.
- Well, Lister Think about it seriously.
Don't dismiss it.
All right.
I'll think about it.
- You'll just say "No".
- Don't interrupt.
I'm thinking.
- You'll just say "No".
- Not necessarily.
I'm mulling it over.
(CLICKING HIS TEETH) Nneeee No.
Don't you trust me? I'm holding up a black card.
Conversation over.
I've always been crazy about her and done nothing about it.
Lister, you've forgotten the colour code.
White is to continue the discussion.
This is a black card situation.
Discussion over.
- Listen.
- # Black card, black card.
# - I'm talking about something else.
- White card.
Go on.
I want to stop all this black card, white card, smeg, - it's driving me crazy.
- Black card.
Four hours, an evening with her hologram! What's wrong with that? You don't know when to stop.
I'm your superior.
Technician was the lowest rank on this ship.
The man who changed the bog rolls was higher than us.
Well, he's not here now, Lister, and we are.
There's still a pecking order and I'm pecking you, baby.
- 0K? - 0h-kaaay.
- Is that a threat, Lister? - Yeah.
Actually, "0K" is not a threat, technically speaking.
It is when you mean it to mean what I mean.
I mean it to mean: 0K, Rimmer.
how many "A"s you put on the end.
I'm going to pass the exams and become an officer.
Come on.
Wise up, Lister.
You'll have to salute me, call me "Sir".
You'll have to give me Kochanski and me cigarettes.
Satan will be skating to work.
Lister! Rise and shine, El Slotho.
Come on! I've been awake for hours.
Up, up, up.
Exercise, Lister! Exercise, sonny boy.
Quarter to two? I didn't set my motivator.
I was supposed to be up at seven.
Why didn't he wake me? He knows I'm a heavy sleeper.
Have I to remind him to do everything for me? He is so irresponsible.
Holly, give me a cold shower, please.
Certainly, Arnold.
Aaaargh! Not that hot! Forget it.
Can you give me a clean uniform? Can you manage that? Thank you, Holly.
Where's Lister? Holly, where's my arm? This isn't my arm.
Whose is it? Sorry, Arnold, your physical data disc has become corrupted.
No excuses.
Give me my arm back.
I'll refresh the graphics from a back-up.
It's got tattoos.
"Candy"? "Denmark Forever"? Is this Petersen's arm, Holly? I've got the arm of a Danish moron.
Bear with me for a few minutes, Arnold.
It's not good enough, Holly.
It's traumatic enough being dead.
Whose ears are these? They're like radar dishes stuck higgledy-piggledy to my head.
Just look at them, look at them.
Whose were these ears, Holly - an African elephant? They're your ears, Arnold.
Must have been the way I slept.
No time for this.
Where's Lister? That information is security protected.
What's he doing? Mmmm! - Hello, how can I help you? - Fish.
Today's fish is trout a la créme.
- Enjoy your meal.
- Fish.
Today's fish is trout a la créme.
Enjoy your meal.
- Fish.
- Today's fish is trout a la créme.
- Enjoy your meal.
- Fish.
Today's fish is trout a la créme.
Enjoy your meal.
- Fish.
- Today's fish is trout a la créme - Fish.
- Today's fish is trout a la créme.
- Enjoy your meal.
- I will! - Where's Lister? - Mine! The fish is mine! I don't want your fish, you stupid cat.
Where's Lister? Idiot! Holly, as senior rank, I order you to tell me where he is.
- I've told you, I can't.
- It's an order.
- You stupid, ugly goit.
- Ugly? I chose this face out of the billions available, as it is the face of the most prolific lover who ever lived.
Really? He must have operated in the dark a lot.
- You what? - When are you giving me my arm? I refuse to walk round all day with Petersen's arm.
You know what he was like.
God knows where this arm has been.
Ah! What's he doing? Beats me, Arnie.
Seems to have a mind of its own.
Tell him to stop it.
What is this? A cabaret? Entertainment while you eat? No no no Can you place bets? My bet is on this arm.
Ahhh! Holly, you're handsome and delicious.
Please tell him to stop.
All right.
Give me a couple of seconds.
Ha! I've outwitted him.
He's given up.
Look, he's given up.
There, done it.
Just in time.
Hey! That was good.
You should've finished on a song, to be perfect.
I hate everything.
Where is Lister, the little worm? (BANj0 MUSIC S0UNDTRACK) Lister? Listie Listie Wistie, Lister? I know you're here, Lister.
You're always here, Sunday afternoons.
What are you two doing here? Skutters don't have time off.
You really must think I'm stupid.
I'll deal with you two later.
(INAUDIBLE) You're serious about this, aren't you? - Go away, I'm busy.
- 0ff.
You seriously believe a fungus like you has the stuff to be an officer? You've the brains of diarrhoea and the breeding of a maggot.
What are you writing on? The inside of a chocolate wrapper! Where's your loose-leaf file? Your pencils, your protractor and your hole reinforcers? I'm going to pass this exam by knowing things.
- 0K.
What's a porous circuit? - I don't know.
- How do you calculate acceleration? - I don't know.
This is sad.
What's Boyle's Fourth Law? - Don't eat greasy food? - These are basic precepts.
How will you pass the engineering exam? I don't.
I expect to pass the chef's exam.
Chef? You want to become a chef? Not really.
I just want to be your superior.
A chef? A white-hatted ponce? That's not a real officer.
It outranks you, smeg-for-brains.
Lister, what's this? Learning drugs? They're illegal, matey.
I'm afraid you're in very serious, grave, deep trouble, Lister.
Where did you get them? I want names, places and dates.
Arnold Rimmer.
His locker.
This morning.
Why worry? You'll never pass.
You'll never pass, Mister Lister, sir.
Practise, Rimmer, makes perfect.
Question four underline that.
What does the red spectrum tell us about quasars? I've been "fished" to death.
My answer: In answering the question, "What does the red spectrum tell us about quasars?" Write bigger.
"There are various words that need to be defined.
"What is a spectrum? What is a red one? Why is it red? "And why is it so frequently linked with quasars?" What the hell is a quasar? Just put a neat cross through it.
We'll do the next one.
(LISTER APPR0ACHING) and I think that confidently and concisely answers the question, "What does the quasar".
- Da-dum! - Lister, did you make that? Yeah.
It's not that good.
It was supposed to be roast beef.
Do you want some, Cat? It's got real cream and fudge in it.
and do something secret.
Aaaaah! Look out! Food escape! - So, Lister, you doing all right? - Not bad.
Not bad at all.
Lister Lister, all this tension between us is stupid.
There's no need for it.
You're tense and I'm tense.
There's absolutely no need for it.
- I'm not tense.
- 0f course you're tense You rectum-faced pygmy! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
There's no need for you to be slogging your guts out.
- I'm enjoying it.
- Shut up.
An exam and doing well.
There's absolutely no need for it.
You can have the cigarettes, Pipeline 22.
- I know.
- Good.
The Cat betrayed me.
I don't mind.
I'm delighted.
What I'm saying is, there's no need for us to be at loggerheads.
- I mean, we're mates, pals.
- When? laugh, chuckle, guffaw, giggle.
- That's Rimsy and Listy.
- When? - Millions of times.
- When? Ah! Ah, how about the time your safety harness snapped and you fell into the cargo bay? - We laughed then, didn't we? - I cracked me spine in three places.
Yes, it was hilarious.
We laughed like drains.
You laughed.
I spent six weeks in traction.
That's right.
You spent the summer walking like a croquet hoop.
I laughed so hard I nearly puked.
- What are you saying to me? - I'm just saying, Lister, with times as good as those, there's no point in letting something small and silly like this come between a friendship we've nurtured, like a small flower, petal by petal, and watched it blossom and bloom into something special.
Smeg off, dishwater breath.
You won't turn me back on.
What, Rimsy-wimsy-mimsy, me bestest-ever pal? Lister, I order you not to take those exams.
Black card, Rimmer.
Y0U are black carding ME? That's only the beginning, Rimmer.
When I pass the exams and become an officer, you'll be on latrines.
You'll have the three o'clock watch every morning and I know you'll obey me, because you you, respect all that officer smeg.
If you mean I respect my superiors, no matter who, and I obey orders blindly and unquestionably yes! Yes, I do.
That's exactly what I mean.
Anyway, I've got to get some sleep.
Hard day's revision on the morrow.
You always become the thing you hate the most.
Look at you, Lister obnoxious, ruthless, single-minded, insensitive you're more like me than I am.
Rimmer, you've forgotten the colour code.
This is a black card situation - end of conversation.
"You never learn, do you?" Chef Part One Examination.
Please proceed to the Teaching Room.
You're not ready for it.
You should be doing last-second revision.
I am.
I'm revising buns.
It's obscene, missing the entire first minute of the exam.
No.
You can't do this to me, Lister.
- Give me Kochanski.
- No.
That was a lousy thing to do.
Have you no respect for the dead? (PING) - Hello, Dave.
- Aaaaaagh! I'm just doing this, er I'm taking, er This is a surprise.
Why didn't you tell me how you felt about me when I was alive? Because I'm a dope and I'm a bum, and I'm stupid, I'm an idiot and I'm hopeless and I'm useless.
Sorry, but I just don't like you.
I don't know what to say.
It's sort of pointless you doing the exam now.
It's pointless me breathing in and out if you want to know the truth.
I could never love anyone like you.
You might as well pack up your pots and pans and off you go.
I need a man who's going places.
Up, up, up lickety-split.
So, it didn't mean anything to you, then? - What didn't? - You know, when we Made love on the snooker table, behind the bins.
- You never told me that! - I thought you might have noticed.
We've never made love.
Go away, Rimmer.
Look, I'm a bit out of sorts at the moment.
- I'm having a woman's period.
- A woman's period? Women don't speak like that.
Give me a break.
I don't know how you've done it, Rimmer, but that is not Kochanski.
It's Kochanski's body, it's Kochanski's voice.
What's the difference, come on? The difference is that you're in there, urgh Well, you can't blame me for trying.
- Leave.
- I've seen something you haven't, squire.
Holly, this is not my breast.
I want my own nipple back.
- Leave, Rimmer.
- There's no rush, Holly.
Holly, are you sure these are my hips? Lister: 16912146.
How did you do? How did you do? - How did you do, Lister? - How did I do, Mister Lister, SIR? # It's cold outside There's no kind of atmosphere # I'm all alone, more or less # Let me fly far away from here # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun # I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose # Drinking fresh mango juice # Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun #