Reggie Perrin (2009) s01e03 Episode Script
Episode 3
The "cardboard razor" concept meeting's been moved to ten-thirty tomorrow.
Talk to me, Vicky.
The "cardboard razor" concept meet Proper talk.
Been moved to ten-thirty tomorrow.
All right.
I'll start us off.
Have I ever told you how much I love my wife? No.
I love her optimism.
I love her fear of duspism.
I lover her count sing.
Right.
And I'm very fond of both her breasts, who I now consider personal friends.
The GFD's are in and apparently the FP's look promising.
Nicola said that we should all spend more time smelling the flowers.
Why? Well, because, um No, you're right.
I should be slapped for even suggesting it.
Not literally.
- Do you want a tea? - Yeah.
Oh, Reggie.
Vicky? Do you think I should get a plant? No.
You're not allowed plants, Groomtech policy.
I know you hate me.
Enjoy the song! Mad Mum! Mad Mum Mad Mum Mad Mum I bought a plant for my office today.
Green.
Nothing fancy.
About the size of a deer.
Did you, darling? Yes, yes, I did.
Oh, is this all there is? Yes, drank the rest yesterday.
Maybe I need a new hobby.
Mm.
What about alcoholism? Ãhüm.
Ah, it's too tiring.
Remind me why we didn't have kids.
It's a crowded evil world and they leave their toys lying all over the place.
Maybe you need a new career.
Oh, you count to need tricks.
We taught Shep to stop farting.
I don't know if the magic circle would necessarily classify that as a trick, though.
You'd make a good teacher, actually.
They need more tall teachers.
Kids need someone to look up to.
Come and give 'em a careers talk.
Teacher? Dad? Wouldn't Reggie be good at teaching? Yes, yes, indeed.
What? Who gave him a key? I did.
Anyway, minor cock-up on the Kathreen front.
Don't give him a key to our house.
You wouldn't leave a bag of locusts in a warehouse full of Weetabix, would you? Don't be so bloody rude.
No, fair point.
Disorganised pensioner - never attractive.
I'll scoot off.
Knob of old cheese? Any of that kipper? Hi, excuse me, would you like to Hi there.
Would you like to give us some customer feedback? Trains invariably 27 minutes late.
Latest excuse, treacle on the points at Cheam.
- Have you got any more forms? - No.
So, on balance, would you say that you're satisfied with the train service? Cardboard razors are going to be huge.
Yeah? - Yeah, well, not in terms of their actual size.
- No.
No.
No more landfill sites full of plastic razors.
Can I have a woo? Woo! Except of course our own razors.
Yes, yes.
Eat shit, Wilkinson Sword In a nice way, in a Yeah.
God, I'm so up for this, it hurts right now.
Oh, we are almost physically excited by this.
We have, however, isolated some challenges.
OK? Sogginess.
Nobody cares.
Cardboard "schmard"board.
Bad idea, generally.
I got a month's free first-class travel this morning.
Coolio.
- Gold.
- How? I complained.
We should complain more.
Yes, but have you noticed that the people who do complain more are always the most loathsome, snitty, whinging, coffin-chasing, "sound of their own voice loving" dullards? Or am I being unkind? Have you got any complaints? No.
No way, no way.
Reggie, I think I might be allergic to your new plant.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I can fix that.
- I'd like to workshop the name cardboard-e-razor.
- Sorry? Cardboard-e-razor.
- I can't hear you.
Can you? - No.
Why is Anthony outside? He's got a pot-plant allergy.
Nobody was allergic to anything 30 years ago.
Now it's cats, dust, nuts, people, wheat, dogs, too much sun, not enough sun, shellfish, circuses.
I'm allergic to allergies, in case you couldn't tell.
Is it me? Am I in a bad mood? It's not just you.
Chris has fired someone for sneezing.
What? Apparently, you'll need a plant acquisition form.
I'll back-date it.
Excellent.
I'll put it straight in the bin.
- Steve.
- Colin.
- Colin.
- Anthony.
- Reggie.
- Colin.
- Reggie, I - Colin! I've got the DTG's on the Go T project.
- Have to stop you there, Colin.
- OK, why? No particular reason.
I just want you to stop.
I know it's an old joke, but I'm saving my new material for somebody more interesting.
That plant? Are they on general issue? - No.
- What form did you fill in to get one? Oh, Colin.
- Vicky.
- Colin.
What's happening? All right, look.
Let's play a game.
You all stay in here, Anthony, in you come.
Never mind your allergy.
You'll be fine.
Whilst I go and hide.
- Hello, Jasmine.
- Hello, Reggie.
Can I get you a drink? Thank you, I'll have some water.
Oh, good choice.
There you go.
- Quite a disappointing drink, water, really, isn't it? - Yes, it is.
I believe the toners and astringents division keep Bacardi in theirs.
I'm told you bought a plant.
Apparently, that's very brave.
Oh, yes, you're new here.
Yes, corporate life has very rigid social conventions.
Such as nude Tuesdays, of course.
Do look out for that.
Really sorry I kissed you the other day.
It was absolutely outrageous.
Not to mention illegal and unhygienic and creepy Do butt in at any point.
It did rather take me by surprise.
Are you married? - Yes.
- Yeah, yeah.
Yes? Hello, Chris.
You ever get depressed, Reggie? Yes, I suppose I do, Chris, yes.
- Well, don't.
- Oh, right.
I didn't get where I am today by being depressed, Reggie.
No? How did you get where you are today? - I'll come back another time.
- No, you won't.
- OK.
I need to miss the heads-of-division working sandwich this week.
- Why? - I'm giving a talk at my wife's school.
She owns a school? She teaches at a school, Chris.
Ah.
Yeah, all right.
- So, it's OK, is it? - Yeah, course.
OK.
You know what children are? Self-centred little bastards, Chris? - They're the future.
- Of course they are.
The thing about children is - Don't back away when I'm being thoughtful at you! - Sorry! I love children, their bright, shining eyes, their eagerness to please.
Isn't that dogs? No.
I love children.
I went to school with them, you know? - Bye, Chris, bye.
- Bye, Reggie.
Bye.
FIRST CLASS So there are three basic economic systems - capitalism, communism, and probably your favourite, stealing.
On this point, I would ask Mrs Perrin to help us out, please.
Thank you.
Lovely blouse.
See me after school.
Yes, yes.
Right, now, there are those who see capitalism and stealing as the same thing.
Most people now consider communism to be old hat because, whilst it rewards us all equally, which is good, it rewards us equally badly which is bad.
Stealing is illegal.
Innocent people suffer and our prisons are now more crowded than the hilariously so-called 0753 from Chichester to Waterloo.
And so there you have it.
We are basically slightly reluctant capitalists.
A bit like being at your parents' party.
There's lots to eat and drink, but it all feels a bit shit.
All roads lead to the shopping mall, and sometimes even you would rather visit a museum or a church or a flower-strewn meadow.
Don't click your fingers at me.
Perhaps you'd like to share that with the whole class.
Don't click your fingers at me.
Thank you.
In capitalist terms, I work at the coal face.
Not literally, that'd be too dark and dusty.
As a manager.
In this country, we don't make anything any more, but we know a man who does.
And it's my job to e-mail that man so that he then sends me something that I can put in a shiny packet and sell.
Now, let me talk you through why you might or possibly might not one day want to work for a giant corporation selling disposable razors.
Yes? Reggie ended with a song.
There's confidence in a class of 15 year olds.
I've known teachers who've been beaten up for humming quietly.
So he perked you up - look at you, bouncing around, offering nuts.
Why ask you? Which is more worthwhile? Educating young minds or flogging disposable razors? If I say flogging disposable razors, will you confiscate my nuts? No, it rubs off you, on all that youthfulness.
I came back feeling 30 years younger.
Only cost me 8p to get home on a bus.
Calm down, Reggie.
And don't forget metal detecting and naturism.
I'm still very keen on naturism.
I'm not doing the naturism, Reggie.
You always were impetuous.
"Let's buy chickens," that was you.
Two minutes to buy them and six years cleaning up the crap.
I've had two jobs in my entire life and I've commuted for 25 years.
I'm about as impetuous as a stalagmite.
Reggie's invited the class into work to experience the modern workplace.
15 angry, confused adolescents in a minibus.
Thanks! I'd imagined they'd walk around politely, and then become something useful like a scientist or a balloon sculptor.
Oh, we had some great school trips.
Do you remember that trip to the Sex and Water? - Didn't we break it? - Yes, we did.
Oh, OK.
I didn't get Dad's keys off him because, you know, he may talk oddly and have a borrowing addiction, but he is my dad, unless he borrowed me from a neighbour.
Bringing back some tuck.
Went too far last time.
Awkward chap, Andrews.
Don't be silly.
Sorry, was I being silly? Age thing? Used to not be silly.
Now silly.
Slightly chilled.
Bit of a calorie shortfall.
Hoo-ha on the "remembering to have lunch" front.
Come in.
I'll get you some food.
Slurp of hooch with that might be fun.
Very chipper, your Reggie.
Has he been hitting the firewater? No, he's excited about becoming a teacher.
Excellent.
Fine tradition.
Service.
Mr Chips.
Crowd control.
Disappointing salary.
Has he thought this through? No! Tickets, please.
Ticket, sir.
Thank you, sir.
Bless you for travelling first class.
I've had an e-mail from maintenance who are concerned about the health and safety implications of your plant.
Really? That's uninteresting.
They say it's interfering with the negative ion balance in the air conditioning.
They should have thought about that when they sealed up the windows in a bid to impose their fascistic world view on a wild and beautiful planet.
I think it's just to keep the flies out.
I'm sorry, Vicky.
I'll have to interrupt you there.
I'm literally in the middle of doing nothing.
So, shall I tell 'em that you'll remove the plant? Good afternoon, Mr Perrin.
Hello, slightly pointless wellness person.
What lovely plants! Did I see anyone else with plants in their office? I don't think I did.
Am I going mad or is a cardboard razor the worst idea since Adolf Hitler said, "Is it just me, or is Germany looking a bit small at the moment?" What do we feel about the idea that nobody else has plants in their office and it might make them feel sad? One day, somebody very brave will stand up and say, "That's it.
We've got enough everything.
"Stop inventing lame new products.
" And we'll all agree, all go to our homes and have sex all afternoon.
Lovely.
Am I looking at an unhappy sausage? You see, I've got this new technique whereby I ignore everything that strikes me as annoying or ridiculous.
- Right.
You should try it.
Chris wants to see you.
Unfortunately, it doesn't work all the time.
Here.
Chris? Well, while you're thinking, I need to ask your permission to bring some school children into work.
Why? Part of their careers education.
Show 'em what a big corporation looks like.
- Yeah, I love children.
- Yes, yes, you said, yeah.
- They're the future.
- Indeed they are.
You know what I wanted to be when I was a child, Reggie? Megalomaniac businessman? - Completely wild guess? - No! A panda.
Right.
You still have that dream? No, because I realised that people can't be pandas.
Good point, yes, good, good.
I think you're trying to be a panda.
Have to ask you to explain that, Chris? You are now genetically an office worker.
Don't fight it.
Remove the plants from your office.
Oh, well, it's been shown that greenery in the workplace can boost productivity by up to 47%.
- Interesting.
- Yeah.
I'm now 39% more focused and my learning curve is 62% flatter.
By my calculations, I'm just a cheese plant away from becoming a bona fide business genius.
Is that true? Oh, Chris.
I'm, I'm not cut out for the corporate life.
I'm hoping to be a teacher.
Please I need the redundancy money.
Just sack me.
- No.
- Go on.
- No! I should be doing something else with my life.
It's cold out there, Reggie.
Don't try and be a panda.
Ridiculous, isn't it? Empty here.
Apart from the odd smug bastard.
Packed to the rafters back there.
Makes you want to lock the door quickly so they can't get in.
No, it makes you want to start a small revolution.
Nothing too violent.
Just a couple of small banners.
Spot of not too angry shouting.
I dunno.
- Hi.
- Hello, Jasmine.
Oh, please don't kiss me.
No, seriously, don't.
- OK, sure thing.
- What happened? - What? Oh, the plants? Oh, I got rid of them.
- Why? It wasn't about the plants.
It was about personal freedom.
Now an identical plant has been put in every office.
Chris has a weeping willow in his.
That point's rather been lost.
Basically, you're being awkward? No, actually, I find that I'm allergic to plants.
Have a look at that.
- Look.
- Ooh.
God, that's awful.
Yeah, and look up, right up there.
- You should rub something on that.
- Yes, I should.
Oh, Jasmine, this is my wife, Nicola.
Nicola, this is my Jasmine, our head of balms and lubricants.
Hello, Jasmine.
Hello, Nicola.
- Hello, Nicola.
- Hello, Reggie.
- Bye, Reggie.
Bye, Jasmine.
- They're tampering with your - What? Don't do - Put that down! Leave that.
- They're a bit hyper.
Normally, only allowed out to go swimming.
- There's a lot of them.
That's mine.
- We had to bring some from 5K.
Their classroom's been burnt down.
- Did they burn it down? - Yes, it is.
Nicola, Tiff and Crumpy have run off.
Oh, God.
Right, look So Hi, guys.
Put the phone down.
Welcome to Groomtech.
This is my office.
I have a strict open-door policy.
If the door's open, it's my policy to shut it.
Just a joke.
Anyway, we are one of the largest UK producers of unnecessary cosmetics.
Can I have a word? Right, stay there.
You two, you're about 17.
Go and talk to them in their own language.
- That's it, keep 'em happy.
- No problem.
Yeah.
Yo, kids, hello.
Hello, hello.
Hi.
Hi there.
Hi, kids.
Who wants to see, who wants to see a ten-to-one scale cardboard razor prototype, huh? Hey? - Colin.
- Maintenance have just told me that your not keeping plants is creating an ambience imbalance.
- Colin - Reggie.
What I'm going to say may sound harsh.
If it's about me being boring, that accusation has been made and it's probably only 15% correct.
I wouldn't say you were boring.
- Thank you.
- You've crashed through boring, waved goodbye to tedious and bulldozed headlong into mind-numbingly irksome.
I'll have to process that accusation and get back to you.
Don't go in there.
It's horrible.
Don't.
Kids! Guys! I'm very disappointed.
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's bullying.
I want you all to think about what you've done today, and I look forward to reading your essays on violence is not the answer, unless the question is, "What is not the answer?" What the hell are you doing? Well, today we're learning all about at what temperature water freezes, and blood.
You can't do this.
They're good kids.
And this is abuse! Oh, pardon me for trying something a little bit innovative.
God, Reggie.
Come on.
- Reggie.
- Chris.
- How did that go, then? Not very well, actually, which is a shame, cos as you say, - kids are the future.
- No, I've changed my mind.
Oh, so what's the future? Disposable cardboard razors.
Great work by your team, Reggie.
Prepare me a 20-page feasibility document by Friday.
"How is cardboard-razor doc going? "Gloom gone.
V excited.
Chris.
Do you know it's first class? It's first class.
I'm sorry.
What am I doing? Hello, everyone.
Look, this is crazy.
I'm sat all on my own there in, in first class.
Why don't you all come in? I'll have a word with the guard.
There's loads of room.
Plenty of room for everyone.
Take a seat.
This is all right.
This is nice.
Yeah, well nice.
Have a look at this, look.
Ooh! I don't know any of these people.
You invited us on this train.
They, they all got on at the last stop.
£840? Wouldn't it have been cheaper to buy the train? I was highlighting the inequity of a two-tiered service.
"Are you a first-class person or a shabby person?" "Oh, I'm shabby.
" "Get back in the tumble with the rest of the scum.
" You would be in first class like a shot if we could afford it.
I saw you doing the sums on the back of an envelope.
No, you didn't.
Yes, I did.
And at the end you wrote, "Sell sperm every month?" I'm selling my soul.
I might as well offload some bodily fluids while I'm at it.
That empty gesture would have paid for our next holiday.
Oh, are we going on holiday to Stevenage this year? Probably.
If you go on being a Nancy pansy drama queen about your job.
Well, at least I can sing.
"Make blade out of cardboard too.
"Still v excited.
Chris.
So, working with children, possibly not your thing after all.
No.
Reggie? Who's Jasmine? No? Understand your position.
Never easy.
Thirsty in-laws calling at all hours.
Any chance slide some ham under the door?
Talk to me, Vicky.
The "cardboard razor" concept meet Proper talk.
Been moved to ten-thirty tomorrow.
All right.
I'll start us off.
Have I ever told you how much I love my wife? No.
I love her optimism.
I love her fear of duspism.
I lover her count sing.
Right.
And I'm very fond of both her breasts, who I now consider personal friends.
The GFD's are in and apparently the FP's look promising.
Nicola said that we should all spend more time smelling the flowers.
Why? Well, because, um No, you're right.
I should be slapped for even suggesting it.
Not literally.
- Do you want a tea? - Yeah.
Oh, Reggie.
Vicky? Do you think I should get a plant? No.
You're not allowed plants, Groomtech policy.
I know you hate me.
Enjoy the song! Mad Mum! Mad Mum Mad Mum Mad Mum I bought a plant for my office today.
Green.
Nothing fancy.
About the size of a deer.
Did you, darling? Yes, yes, I did.
Oh, is this all there is? Yes, drank the rest yesterday.
Maybe I need a new hobby.
Mm.
What about alcoholism? Ãhüm.
Ah, it's too tiring.
Remind me why we didn't have kids.
It's a crowded evil world and they leave their toys lying all over the place.
Maybe you need a new career.
Oh, you count to need tricks.
We taught Shep to stop farting.
I don't know if the magic circle would necessarily classify that as a trick, though.
You'd make a good teacher, actually.
They need more tall teachers.
Kids need someone to look up to.
Come and give 'em a careers talk.
Teacher? Dad? Wouldn't Reggie be good at teaching? Yes, yes, indeed.
What? Who gave him a key? I did.
Anyway, minor cock-up on the Kathreen front.
Don't give him a key to our house.
You wouldn't leave a bag of locusts in a warehouse full of Weetabix, would you? Don't be so bloody rude.
No, fair point.
Disorganised pensioner - never attractive.
I'll scoot off.
Knob of old cheese? Any of that kipper? Hi, excuse me, would you like to Hi there.
Would you like to give us some customer feedback? Trains invariably 27 minutes late.
Latest excuse, treacle on the points at Cheam.
- Have you got any more forms? - No.
So, on balance, would you say that you're satisfied with the train service? Cardboard razors are going to be huge.
Yeah? - Yeah, well, not in terms of their actual size.
- No.
No.
No more landfill sites full of plastic razors.
Can I have a woo? Woo! Except of course our own razors.
Yes, yes.
Eat shit, Wilkinson Sword In a nice way, in a Yeah.
God, I'm so up for this, it hurts right now.
Oh, we are almost physically excited by this.
We have, however, isolated some challenges.
OK? Sogginess.
Nobody cares.
Cardboard "schmard"board.
Bad idea, generally.
I got a month's free first-class travel this morning.
Coolio.
- Gold.
- How? I complained.
We should complain more.
Yes, but have you noticed that the people who do complain more are always the most loathsome, snitty, whinging, coffin-chasing, "sound of their own voice loving" dullards? Or am I being unkind? Have you got any complaints? No.
No way, no way.
Reggie, I think I might be allergic to your new plant.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I can fix that.
- I'd like to workshop the name cardboard-e-razor.
- Sorry? Cardboard-e-razor.
- I can't hear you.
Can you? - No.
Why is Anthony outside? He's got a pot-plant allergy.
Nobody was allergic to anything 30 years ago.
Now it's cats, dust, nuts, people, wheat, dogs, too much sun, not enough sun, shellfish, circuses.
I'm allergic to allergies, in case you couldn't tell.
Is it me? Am I in a bad mood? It's not just you.
Chris has fired someone for sneezing.
What? Apparently, you'll need a plant acquisition form.
I'll back-date it.
Excellent.
I'll put it straight in the bin.
- Steve.
- Colin.
- Colin.
- Anthony.
- Reggie.
- Colin.
- Reggie, I - Colin! I've got the DTG's on the Go T project.
- Have to stop you there, Colin.
- OK, why? No particular reason.
I just want you to stop.
I know it's an old joke, but I'm saving my new material for somebody more interesting.
That plant? Are they on general issue? - No.
- What form did you fill in to get one? Oh, Colin.
- Vicky.
- Colin.
What's happening? All right, look.
Let's play a game.
You all stay in here, Anthony, in you come.
Never mind your allergy.
You'll be fine.
Whilst I go and hide.
- Hello, Jasmine.
- Hello, Reggie.
Can I get you a drink? Thank you, I'll have some water.
Oh, good choice.
There you go.
- Quite a disappointing drink, water, really, isn't it? - Yes, it is.
I believe the toners and astringents division keep Bacardi in theirs.
I'm told you bought a plant.
Apparently, that's very brave.
Oh, yes, you're new here.
Yes, corporate life has very rigid social conventions.
Such as nude Tuesdays, of course.
Do look out for that.
Really sorry I kissed you the other day.
It was absolutely outrageous.
Not to mention illegal and unhygienic and creepy Do butt in at any point.
It did rather take me by surprise.
Are you married? - Yes.
- Yeah, yeah.
Yes? Hello, Chris.
You ever get depressed, Reggie? Yes, I suppose I do, Chris, yes.
- Well, don't.
- Oh, right.
I didn't get where I am today by being depressed, Reggie.
No? How did you get where you are today? - I'll come back another time.
- No, you won't.
- OK.
I need to miss the heads-of-division working sandwich this week.
- Why? - I'm giving a talk at my wife's school.
She owns a school? She teaches at a school, Chris.
Ah.
Yeah, all right.
- So, it's OK, is it? - Yeah, course.
OK.
You know what children are? Self-centred little bastards, Chris? - They're the future.
- Of course they are.
The thing about children is - Don't back away when I'm being thoughtful at you! - Sorry! I love children, their bright, shining eyes, their eagerness to please.
Isn't that dogs? No.
I love children.
I went to school with them, you know? - Bye, Chris, bye.
- Bye, Reggie.
Bye.
FIRST CLASS So there are three basic economic systems - capitalism, communism, and probably your favourite, stealing.
On this point, I would ask Mrs Perrin to help us out, please.
Thank you.
Lovely blouse.
See me after school.
Yes, yes.
Right, now, there are those who see capitalism and stealing as the same thing.
Most people now consider communism to be old hat because, whilst it rewards us all equally, which is good, it rewards us equally badly which is bad.
Stealing is illegal.
Innocent people suffer and our prisons are now more crowded than the hilariously so-called 0753 from Chichester to Waterloo.
And so there you have it.
We are basically slightly reluctant capitalists.
A bit like being at your parents' party.
There's lots to eat and drink, but it all feels a bit shit.
All roads lead to the shopping mall, and sometimes even you would rather visit a museum or a church or a flower-strewn meadow.
Don't click your fingers at me.
Perhaps you'd like to share that with the whole class.
Don't click your fingers at me.
Thank you.
In capitalist terms, I work at the coal face.
Not literally, that'd be too dark and dusty.
As a manager.
In this country, we don't make anything any more, but we know a man who does.
And it's my job to e-mail that man so that he then sends me something that I can put in a shiny packet and sell.
Now, let me talk you through why you might or possibly might not one day want to work for a giant corporation selling disposable razors.
Yes? Reggie ended with a song.
There's confidence in a class of 15 year olds.
I've known teachers who've been beaten up for humming quietly.
So he perked you up - look at you, bouncing around, offering nuts.
Why ask you? Which is more worthwhile? Educating young minds or flogging disposable razors? If I say flogging disposable razors, will you confiscate my nuts? No, it rubs off you, on all that youthfulness.
I came back feeling 30 years younger.
Only cost me 8p to get home on a bus.
Calm down, Reggie.
And don't forget metal detecting and naturism.
I'm still very keen on naturism.
I'm not doing the naturism, Reggie.
You always were impetuous.
"Let's buy chickens," that was you.
Two minutes to buy them and six years cleaning up the crap.
I've had two jobs in my entire life and I've commuted for 25 years.
I'm about as impetuous as a stalagmite.
Reggie's invited the class into work to experience the modern workplace.
15 angry, confused adolescents in a minibus.
Thanks! I'd imagined they'd walk around politely, and then become something useful like a scientist or a balloon sculptor.
Oh, we had some great school trips.
Do you remember that trip to the Sex and Water? - Didn't we break it? - Yes, we did.
Oh, OK.
I didn't get Dad's keys off him because, you know, he may talk oddly and have a borrowing addiction, but he is my dad, unless he borrowed me from a neighbour.
Bringing back some tuck.
Went too far last time.
Awkward chap, Andrews.
Don't be silly.
Sorry, was I being silly? Age thing? Used to not be silly.
Now silly.
Slightly chilled.
Bit of a calorie shortfall.
Hoo-ha on the "remembering to have lunch" front.
Come in.
I'll get you some food.
Slurp of hooch with that might be fun.
Very chipper, your Reggie.
Has he been hitting the firewater? No, he's excited about becoming a teacher.
Excellent.
Fine tradition.
Service.
Mr Chips.
Crowd control.
Disappointing salary.
Has he thought this through? No! Tickets, please.
Ticket, sir.
Thank you, sir.
Bless you for travelling first class.
I've had an e-mail from maintenance who are concerned about the health and safety implications of your plant.
Really? That's uninteresting.
They say it's interfering with the negative ion balance in the air conditioning.
They should have thought about that when they sealed up the windows in a bid to impose their fascistic world view on a wild and beautiful planet.
I think it's just to keep the flies out.
I'm sorry, Vicky.
I'll have to interrupt you there.
I'm literally in the middle of doing nothing.
So, shall I tell 'em that you'll remove the plant? Good afternoon, Mr Perrin.
Hello, slightly pointless wellness person.
What lovely plants! Did I see anyone else with plants in their office? I don't think I did.
Am I going mad or is a cardboard razor the worst idea since Adolf Hitler said, "Is it just me, or is Germany looking a bit small at the moment?" What do we feel about the idea that nobody else has plants in their office and it might make them feel sad? One day, somebody very brave will stand up and say, "That's it.
We've got enough everything.
"Stop inventing lame new products.
" And we'll all agree, all go to our homes and have sex all afternoon.
Lovely.
Am I looking at an unhappy sausage? You see, I've got this new technique whereby I ignore everything that strikes me as annoying or ridiculous.
- Right.
You should try it.
Chris wants to see you.
Unfortunately, it doesn't work all the time.
Here.
Chris? Well, while you're thinking, I need to ask your permission to bring some school children into work.
Why? Part of their careers education.
Show 'em what a big corporation looks like.
- Yeah, I love children.
- Yes, yes, you said, yeah.
- They're the future.
- Indeed they are.
You know what I wanted to be when I was a child, Reggie? Megalomaniac businessman? - Completely wild guess? - No! A panda.
Right.
You still have that dream? No, because I realised that people can't be pandas.
Good point, yes, good, good.
I think you're trying to be a panda.
Have to ask you to explain that, Chris? You are now genetically an office worker.
Don't fight it.
Remove the plants from your office.
Oh, well, it's been shown that greenery in the workplace can boost productivity by up to 47%.
- Interesting.
- Yeah.
I'm now 39% more focused and my learning curve is 62% flatter.
By my calculations, I'm just a cheese plant away from becoming a bona fide business genius.
Is that true? Oh, Chris.
I'm, I'm not cut out for the corporate life.
I'm hoping to be a teacher.
Please I need the redundancy money.
Just sack me.
- No.
- Go on.
- No! I should be doing something else with my life.
It's cold out there, Reggie.
Don't try and be a panda.
Ridiculous, isn't it? Empty here.
Apart from the odd smug bastard.
Packed to the rafters back there.
Makes you want to lock the door quickly so they can't get in.
No, it makes you want to start a small revolution.
Nothing too violent.
Just a couple of small banners.
Spot of not too angry shouting.
I dunno.
- Hi.
- Hello, Jasmine.
Oh, please don't kiss me.
No, seriously, don't.
- OK, sure thing.
- What happened? - What? Oh, the plants? Oh, I got rid of them.
- Why? It wasn't about the plants.
It was about personal freedom.
Now an identical plant has been put in every office.
Chris has a weeping willow in his.
That point's rather been lost.
Basically, you're being awkward? No, actually, I find that I'm allergic to plants.
Have a look at that.
- Look.
- Ooh.
God, that's awful.
Yeah, and look up, right up there.
- You should rub something on that.
- Yes, I should.
Oh, Jasmine, this is my wife, Nicola.
Nicola, this is my Jasmine, our head of balms and lubricants.
Hello, Jasmine.
Hello, Nicola.
- Hello, Nicola.
- Hello, Reggie.
- Bye, Reggie.
Bye, Jasmine.
- They're tampering with your - What? Don't do - Put that down! Leave that.
- They're a bit hyper.
Normally, only allowed out to go swimming.
- There's a lot of them.
That's mine.
- We had to bring some from 5K.
Their classroom's been burnt down.
- Did they burn it down? - Yes, it is.
Nicola, Tiff and Crumpy have run off.
Oh, God.
Right, look So Hi, guys.
Put the phone down.
Welcome to Groomtech.
This is my office.
I have a strict open-door policy.
If the door's open, it's my policy to shut it.
Just a joke.
Anyway, we are one of the largest UK producers of unnecessary cosmetics.
Can I have a word? Right, stay there.
You two, you're about 17.
Go and talk to them in their own language.
- That's it, keep 'em happy.
- No problem.
Yeah.
Yo, kids, hello.
Hello, hello.
Hi.
Hi there.
Hi, kids.
Who wants to see, who wants to see a ten-to-one scale cardboard razor prototype, huh? Hey? - Colin.
- Maintenance have just told me that your not keeping plants is creating an ambience imbalance.
- Colin - Reggie.
What I'm going to say may sound harsh.
If it's about me being boring, that accusation has been made and it's probably only 15% correct.
I wouldn't say you were boring.
- Thank you.
- You've crashed through boring, waved goodbye to tedious and bulldozed headlong into mind-numbingly irksome.
I'll have to process that accusation and get back to you.
Don't go in there.
It's horrible.
Don't.
Kids! Guys! I'm very disappointed.
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's bullying.
I want you all to think about what you've done today, and I look forward to reading your essays on violence is not the answer, unless the question is, "What is not the answer?" What the hell are you doing? Well, today we're learning all about at what temperature water freezes, and blood.
You can't do this.
They're good kids.
And this is abuse! Oh, pardon me for trying something a little bit innovative.
God, Reggie.
Come on.
- Reggie.
- Chris.
- How did that go, then? Not very well, actually, which is a shame, cos as you say, - kids are the future.
- No, I've changed my mind.
Oh, so what's the future? Disposable cardboard razors.
Great work by your team, Reggie.
Prepare me a 20-page feasibility document by Friday.
"How is cardboard-razor doc going? "Gloom gone.
V excited.
Chris.
Do you know it's first class? It's first class.
I'm sorry.
What am I doing? Hello, everyone.
Look, this is crazy.
I'm sat all on my own there in, in first class.
Why don't you all come in? I'll have a word with the guard.
There's loads of room.
Plenty of room for everyone.
Take a seat.
This is all right.
This is nice.
Yeah, well nice.
Have a look at this, look.
Ooh! I don't know any of these people.
You invited us on this train.
They, they all got on at the last stop.
£840? Wouldn't it have been cheaper to buy the train? I was highlighting the inequity of a two-tiered service.
"Are you a first-class person or a shabby person?" "Oh, I'm shabby.
" "Get back in the tumble with the rest of the scum.
" You would be in first class like a shot if we could afford it.
I saw you doing the sums on the back of an envelope.
No, you didn't.
Yes, I did.
And at the end you wrote, "Sell sperm every month?" I'm selling my soul.
I might as well offload some bodily fluids while I'm at it.
That empty gesture would have paid for our next holiday.
Oh, are we going on holiday to Stevenage this year? Probably.
If you go on being a Nancy pansy drama queen about your job.
Well, at least I can sing.
"Make blade out of cardboard too.
"Still v excited.
Chris.
So, working with children, possibly not your thing after all.
No.
Reggie? Who's Jasmine? No? Understand your position.
Never easy.
Thirsty in-laws calling at all hours.
Any chance slide some ham under the door?