Reginald the Vampire (2022) s01e03 Episode Script

Previously on "Reginald the Vampire"
I feel like there's something
that you're not telling me.
You made her go.
I just put a different
thought in her head.
Sarah ever gonna remember
that she likes me?
Well, I didn't tell her not to, man,
but it's an inexact science.
You were gonna feed on me.
How do I know I can trust you?
I'm a vampire, not an asshole.
Drop your fangs, bite, and drink.
Make them forget when it's over.
Exactly.
You killed my brother.
If I'm gonna destroy Angela,
then I need to know
everything there is to know
about her world.
Angel's Blood?
What the hell were you
thinking, young soldier?
I'm gonna rip your head off.
Listen to me!
My damn feet are on fire.
I think I have a superpower.
How did you get in here?
Sire bond. What you feel, I feel.
I know how it works.
I mean, how did you
I followed my vampire
GPS into the kitchen.
And that's where I saw him.
10 feet tall, refrigerator with feet.
- The biggest, the baddest
- Hang on.
- You got past Erich?
- He was doing the dishes.
And?
That's what I'm trying to tell you.
- I glamoured him.
- That's impossible.
I told him what to do,
and he's doing exactly what I said.
Again, impossible.
Two tablespoons butter,
two tablespoons flour,
1 1/4 cups milk heated, salt and pepper.
You glamoured him to make breakfast?
I like breakfast.
- You glamoured him.
- Yes.
I feel like we're going in circles here
about my amazing superpower.
That's impossible.
- Mike?
- You're alive.
You're alive.
Technically no one here is alive.
Not now.
I woke up in a locked room
like somebody drugged me.
Angela did. She drugged me too.
- Locked room?
- Coffin.
I busted out and tried to find you.
Well, here I am.
- You're not wearing shoes.
- Long story.
I'm lucky to have feet.
- Come on.
- Okay, sorry.
Almost done.
What is it?
She's here.
Hate to see you leave like this.
Turns out we have other plans.
You could chase me if you want.
See how we do in the woods.
Yeah, I'd like a shot at that myself.
Yeah. Me too.
Listen to me.
Listen to me.
Listen to me.
The sauce is very difficult to make.
- Mm.
- Do you love it?
Mmm.
It's good. So good.
- Do I even like yogurt?
- I wouldn't.
Non-fat yogurt is a masculist plot
pedaled to undermine women.
Insulin growth from the extra sugar
causes spikes in testosterone,
which increases sexual desire.
So yogurt companies are
trying to make women horny?
It's about control.
It can also cause unwanted body hair.
I feel like a puzzle
with pieces missing.
Yesterday I washed a dish,
couldn't remember what
I ate the night before.
I delivered a rent check to my landlady.
She said I already dropped one off.
Oh, and then there's this.
My bookmark is on page 75.
But I don't remember reading it.
I have it on good authority that the CIA
is still performing MK-Ultra tests.
Those drugs do all sorts
of damage to people.
Or this could be the
result of a sonic attack,
like at the embassy in Cuba.
Now that really messed
with people's minds.
I work at the Slushy Shack
and read Gothic fiction.
I'm too average to be the
study of a CIA experiment.
True.
Do you know of anyone who's
exhibiting similar symptoms?
Relatives, friends?
What's up, slush buddies?
Coworkers?
New scarf, Todd?
Guess I'm trying something new.
See you out there.
So Todd's a pod person now.
And you're experiencing
suspicious gaps in your memory
due to some unknown intervention.
Would you be willing to
give me a urine sample?
How you doing, Reggie?
Uh, great. Never better.
Fantastic, actually.
Dead wrong. Emphasis on dead.
How can anything be wrong?
I saved you from a fiery death
at the hands of your enemy.
For which I'm eternally grateful.
But that's not why I'm here.
I want to talk about
what happened before.
Oh, like when I glamoured
the big, bad vampire?
Yes.
No, how did you do that? I need to know.
I don't know.
You were screaming.
Erich had me by the neck.
And I reached out and grabbed his arm.
That was it. Glamour time.
No, no vampire in the
history of vampires
and it's a very long history
has ever been able to
glamour another vampire.
I promise to use my
powers with responsibility.
No, the only way you're
gonna use your power
is if you keep it quiet.
Counterpoint, I was thinking I
could use it to further my reputation
within the larger vampire community.
Maybe get me more respect.
You know, if Angela gets word of this,
she will murder everyone
you've ever loved
or known about or even
passed on the street.
And then she will get to work on you.
And, look, that's
just Angela. All right?
If word gets back to Logan
the Great and Mournful
- Who now?
- Never mind.
No more glamouring other vampires.
And not a word about this to anyone.
Do you understand?
Okay.
No, I need to hear you say it out loud.
I promise not to glamour
another vampire or tell anyone.
So I bolt to the kitchen.
Time was running out for Maurice.
His feet are literally in the fire.
- I'm his only hope.
- This is so cool.
And who do I see standing there?
Erich, old-school vampire,
fashionable kilt-wearer,
but that's not the point of the story.
What happened next?
I glamoured him, boom.
- No, you didn't.
- I did!
I told him to make me breakfast,
and he made me a Croque-Madame.
- No way.
- Mm-hmm.
Door-to-door service and everything.
This is incredible.
- So where is Erich now?
- My apartment.
I have him color-coding
my closet as we speak.
Bodyguard and butler?
I could use a vampire like that.
Thank you for choosing the Slushy Shack.
Come back soon.
Great kid.
How did Reginald get
you out of that coffin?
Not a clue, man.
But I mean, it's Reginald.
Somehow he got through that house,
got to me.
That little dude saved my life.
Unbelievable.
I come in peace.
Great. Can I get you anything?
Coffee? Angel's Blood?
There must be a box of wooden
stakes around here somewhere.
Hm, you're very funny.
You better be here to apologize.
I don't apologize. You know that.
You want me dead. I get that.
But I also want you dead,
which I'm sure you can understand.
But perhaps we can set that
aside given our history.
How so?
I have an idea which I believe
will benefit us both equally.
When we first met,
Sarah didn't judge me
by the way I looked.
She wanted to know the
kind of music I like.
Nu-soul and '90s hip-hop, by the way.
She asked me what my favorite movie was,
which "Mad Max Beyond
Thunderdome", obviously.
She wanted to know me.
No one ever did that.
Not really, anyway.
Everyone deserves a second chance.
Sarah and I deserve one too.
You are very wise in
matters of the heart.
Oh, my God.
Listen to me.
Whatever it is, I didn't do it.
I've been here the whole time
doing what I'm supposed to be doing.
Although if you have any
There's no reason to be afraid.
Agree to disagree.
Reggie, Angela and I made a deal.
In order for you to be accepted
into the Midwest Chapter of
the Vampire Council of America,
you, Reginald Andres, will take part
in the Vampiric Ability
and Potential Assessment,
henceforth known as The Assessment.
Do I need a lawyer?
Reginald, I need to
scan and send these off
to Buenos Aires by end of business.
Uh, but, um
assessment for what?
Suitability, of course.
We can't just let anyone join our ranks.
That lists assessment guidelines
as well as your agreement
to take part in same.
It's okay, Reggie. She'll
just need a signature.
Oh, well, I guess I can do that.
In blood.
Wait, what?
- It'll just sting a little.
- Uh
Uh, okay.
Great.
Sign here.
Here, here,
here, and here.
Hey, I have a question.
Since you sired Maurice,
and Maurice sired me,
does that make you my grandmother?
Makes us family.
Done. That's your copy.
Good luck, and I wish you great success.
Oh, oh uh, Maurice?
What happens if I fail The Assessment?
You die.
But we'll talk about all that tomorrow.
Wait, what?
Can I draw you a bath?
Listen to me.
You are no longer my loyal manservant,
personal chef, and best friend.
Go.
Go far, far away from here
and find a life better than
the one that you're living.
I was waiting for the right moment.
So what happens if you
pass this Assessment deal?
I become a bona fide member
of the vampire community.
- That'd be good, right?
- Sure.
You could make new vampire friends.
I bet they have really cool
social events like meet and greets.
Talk to her.
She liked you, and
she can like you again.
But nothing's gonna
change if you don't talk.
You're right.
You're right. You're absolutely right.
Deep breaths. Positive thoughts.
I can talk. I'm good at talking, right?
- Sure.
- It's the iron in my golf bag.
Arrow in my quiver.
Except sometimes, when I get nervous,
I can't stop talking.
Okay, you can do this, big guy.
Right.
Thank you. Thank you, Claire.
- Oh, hey, Reginald.
- Oh, hey, hey.
- Funny seeing you here.
- Oh, yeah.
This is my, uh, usual running route now.
- Oh.
- I'm super big into running.
So that's what I'm doing.
Running, now.
Probably would have been
drier at the library, right?
Oh, yeah, sure.
But can you think of a better place
to read "Wuthering Heights"?
Yeah.
- Um, but, may I?
- Uh, yeah, sure.
"If you ever look at me once
with what I know is in you,
I'd be your slave."
Is that in the book?
Yeah.
Um, what's your favorite part?
I love when Heathcliff returns,
and he's not sad and poor anymore,
but he's, like, happy,
and rich, and successful
- Oh, whoa, stop.
- And ready for love.
No, I just started reading it again.
Or maybe for the first
time? I'm not entirely sure.
Uh, well, anyway.
I guess I'm gonna return
to my intense exercise regimen.
But maybe we could discuss
"Wuthering Heights" when you're done?
I'd like that, yeah.
And don't overdo it.
- Right.
- See you at work.
"What's the Story, Morning Glory?"
Let's go. Come on.
Stick and move, Reggie.
Stick or move, man.
Use your hips.
Let's go. Come on.
Reggie, let's go.
Look, the only way you're
gonna pass The Assessment
is if you train for it, right?
Okay, is this supposed
to make me stronger?
Look, man, we went over that.
Your muscle-building days are over.
This is just for warm-up purposes.
So basically Exhibit A in
the court of my confusion.
Also, I'm having a
hard time understanding
why you signed me up for a test
that will almost
certainly end in my death.
That feels like a bad plan.
I came here to kill Angela. All right?
Angela decided to kill me first.
Guess who got caught in between.
That is not addressing my concerns.
The only way to buy us some
time was to commit to this,
to keep Angela out of our business.
All right, and don't just
assume you can't succeed.
We're gonna hone your greatest gift.
Right.
Right, right, right.
That I can glamour other vampires,
and that makes me amazing!
No, that is not a gift, Reggie.
That's a secret. Okay?
And if you don't keep it a secret,
you won't even make it to The Assessment
because you'll end up dead.
Look, I'm talking about
your big brain, man.
One way or another, we're
gonna get through this.
Preferably one where I don't die, right?
Yeah. That's more or less the plan.
Let's get you some water. Hydrate.
Maurice!
In this signed contract, on page 15,
it says I'm not the only
one who dies if I fail.
My sire dies too.
In case you forgot, that's you.
I didn't forget.
Yeah. You didn't mention it either.
You got too much on
your plate as it is, man.
Look, we're in this together.
And
I believe in you.
While I appreciate
the possibly misplaced
faith you have in me,
maybe the best plan
is to get as far away
from here as possible.
I mean, I've never been to Italy.
That'd be cool. I just
You're already on the council's radar.
Okay, once that happens,
there's no place far
enough you can hide,
including Italy.
So passing The
Assessment's our only hope.
Something like that.
- We should tell her.
- No.
- You.
- Why?
Oh, what is it?
You could have ended
Reginald at any time.
I would have been more
than happy to help.
No.
The Assessment's the way to go.
Kill him in the context
of a pre-ordained ritual.
Of course. You know best.
But what if he succeeds?
Training for The Assessment takes years.
You know that.
There's no way he'll survive.
And when Reginald dies,
Maurice dies with him.
Exactly. Win-win.
Which means that for
the foreseeable future,
I want you to keep an eye on Reginald,
every move he makes.
But look and do not touch.
I need him in one piece for the big day.
Well, that's no fun.
Maybe just a small amount of touching?
What was it that Moira said?
"I fear no living man or woman."
Mm-hmm.
Keep an eye on Reginald.
Starting now.
Go, depart! Leave me.
Oh, dude!
Burnt marshmallow?
This is my favorite.
Mmm. I get a treat, you get a treat.
- Fair is fair.
- I'm just happy to be here.
Right, of course you are.
Me too.
Want some?
Oh, you know me too well.
Mmm.
I can't believe you used to be my bully,
and now you're my takeout menu.
I was your bully?
Mm-hmm. Every day.
- Why would I do that?
- Doesn't matter.
Everything is different now.
Oh, wow.
Todd with an ice cream chaser.
Yes.
Mmm.
Oh!
This is seriously messed up.
What is?
The Melon Heads, the Loveland Frog,
the Ohio Grassman
Akron's had them all.
It's like Dante's tenth circle.
Down the rabbit hole they go.
Call me Alice.
Look.
This is a map of known ley lines.
Akron is a hotbed for the unnatural.
Maybe this X-File is the key
to your messed up head.
Okay, supernatural
frogs are not responsible
for my missing memories.
But high energy zones equal crazy,
which means we have
to track where you were
on the night you got foggy.
Give me your phone.
Hmm. Ride share, perfect.
Do you recognize this address?
I don't even remember
ordering this ride.
You tipped, therefore you arrived.
Which means all we have
to do is look for
Does Todd seem weird to you?
No more than usual.
I think.
Todd.
Todd. Sleator, Todd.
Todd. Todd Sleator.
Oh, mercy, mercy me.
Have you noticed anything
unusual about Reginald lately?
Not really.
Uh, he ran into me at the park today.
He was out jogging in a hoodie.
I guess that's unusual
the jogging, I mean.
- And?
- Nothing.
We talked about the book I
was reading, and then he left.
That's it?
There was one weird thing.
Go on.
Reginald had just left
when out of nowhere,
this song title popped into my head.
I don't think I've ever
heard the song before.
Reginald. He's behind this.
No, Reginald would never
do anything to hurt me.
I don't know why I know that, but I do.
With all my heart.
Then why were you at Reginald's address
the night you lost your mind?
Sarah. What are you doing here?
I mean, it's great to see you. Come in.
Have I been here before?
I feel like maybe I
The thing is,
I haven't really been myself lately.
And Ashley's pretty sure I was here.
You? Here?
With me?
But I don't remember.
I mean, how could I
forget something like that?
Because it's impossible, that's why.
I mean, I would remember
if you were here.
And since you weren't,
that's actually something
that's never happened, so
I mean, believe me. I
would not lie to you.
I believe you.
I just feel like there's something
missing inside my head,
and I don't know what it is.
"What's the Story, Morning Glory?"
Oasis, nice.
"Work Bitch." Britney.
"I'm So Bored with the USA."
The Clash.
"We Gotta Get Out of This Place."
In my "Little Red Corvette"!
You remembered.
It's that game we play at work.
Yes!
But it's more.
I think that I th
Wow, um
Um
Are you busy tomorrow night?
Tomorrow?
No, I'm not busy.
I think it would be fun if we went out.
Maybe to dinner and a movie.
I'd like that.
Great.
Tomorrow.
You and me.
Yeah.
- I like this place.
- Mm.
Wait till you try the pancit and lumpia.
Almost as good as my mom makes.
I like you.
I like you too.
But I forgot that I
did, among other things.
Then I remembered. How
is that even possible?
I guess we'll never know.
I will say,
I think lumpia might be
the best place to start.
But I think I do know.
And you might be the only
person who understands.
It's PTSD.
Oh, that's a relief.
Hm?
Oh, my goodness.
How did that even happen?
My family are very religious.
I was raised to worship archangels.
I think I've heard of that.
That's like a cult, right?
Not exactly,
but my whole life,
every decision was made for me,
and my brother too
every moment controlled.
Well, how did you get out of that?
One year ago last week,
I stuffed everything I could
into a backpack and ran away.
It's like I ran away from the angels,
and then they, like, followed me here.
- But not actually, right?
- No.
Oh.
But sometimes, it feels like they did.
Well, I think you're the
bravest person I've ever met.
Tell me about you.
Sure.
I
Urgently have to urinate.
Oh, okay.
What are you two vapids doing here?
Would you mind introducing
us to your young friend?
Yes. She looks delicious.
- And we're starving.
- You stay away from her.
Is that a threat?
How in the world could
you possibly stop us?
Dinner first, your
little friend for dessert.
Listen to me.
Hello, Ash. Better get out there.
It's a packed house.
You're very peppy today, Todd.
I love the scarf.
Hmm. Well, it's an ascot.
- May I?
- No, no.
I must never take it off.
Holy Faith Lehane.
- What happened there?
- What do you mean?
You have two holes in your neck.
I do?
How are you not aware of
the neck-hole situation?
I don't know.
They're here.
They're right here in Akron.
True, it wasn't my first guess,
but they're actually here,
and this is the proof I needed.
Hello, Ash. Better get out there.
It's a packed house.
Vampires.
I'm gonna take an order of these to go,
'cause how have I not been
eating them my whole life?
Mmm.
Mmm. It's so good.
Mm-hmm.
I told you my story. Tell me yours.
- Okay.
- First date rule.
I want to hear all about your family.
Well, we first moved out
here when I was a kid.
Mom, Dad, me. Only kid, right?
- Mm-hmm. - Then
they moved to Hawaii.
So now it's just me.
Hmm. You miss them.
Yeah, every day.
I've been meaning to go out
to visit them, but now
Now?
Everything's changed.
What's changed?
Life things.
That's not very specific.
It's, uh
you know, round trip airfare's
prohibitively expensive
That's true.
And the weather in Hawaii is, you know,
windy, and cloudy,
and rainy, and then sunny.
You know? It's, like, make up your mind.
Hawaii, come on.
Well, I hope that you
get to see them soon.
Someday.
Whoa.
Cleanup on aisle table over there.
Hmm?
Oh.
Wow.
Okay.
Oh, okay.
Wow.
Bold.
Really escalating.
Oh.
Oh, my
Oh, my
I've never seen food
enjoyed so much before.
No. Like, sure?
I guess?
That's oh.
Oh.
Ha!
Stop.
Do you want to try and
get some dessert still?
I don't think I can
ever look at food again.
Check please.
Yes, well, naturally we couldn't
be happier than to be hosting
the first Assessment of the year.
All that's left now is to
send out the invitations.
I'm sorry, Vice Chair Renuka,
could you please repeat that?
No, no, I'm just just stunned.
But thrilled to hear that
Logan the Desanguinator
will be attending.
I'll begin the preparations.
Talk soon.
Fuck!
Angela, I need to talk to you.
Go away.
I'm done spying on Maurice.
I want out.
- No.
- I'm serious.
So am I.
Don't you dare forget what I did for you
or why you made the deal that you did.
The information I'm about to give you
is worth anything I ask for,
including my own freedom.
I'll be the judge of that.
It's about Maurice's
progeny, the fat vampire.
Oh, God, not again.
When will I be rid of that
meddlesome abomination?
Reginald Andres has a unique gift.
There's nothing unique about him.
Yes, there is.
Reginald can glamour other vampires.
That's impossible, and you know it.
Earlier tonight, you
two had a very special
and carefully orchestrated dinner
that left you covered
in each other's vomit.
That's disgusting.
We did no such thing.
True, they charged us extra for cleanup.
And whose mess required cleaning?
I don't recall.
Fuck off, the both of you.
So he glamoured LeBron and Penelope.
Made them do things
they did not want to do.
Which is how he helped Maurice escape.
He glamoured Erich.
And what's to stop him
from glamouring you?
He'll never get the chance.
But think of all the damage he can do
between now and The Assessment.
He'll never make it that far.
Reginald will die long
before The Assessment.
I'll make sure of it.
Which means Maurice will live.
As I had hoped.
And where does that leave us?
You've earned your freedom.
I can feel you two lurking.
I need a burner phone
that can't be traced.
Oh, are you unhappy with
your current service?
No, you moron.
I need to contact Nikki.
Are you quite sure this is necessary?
Nikki brings death and destruction
wherever she travels.
Do as you are told.
I'm sorry about last night.
I wanted it to be perfect,
and it turned into a mess.
And that was my fault.
I'll understand if you don't ever
want to go out with me again.
This may come as a surprise to you,
but there are two people
in this relationship.
Just because you thought
last night wasn't perfect,
doesn't mean I didn't think it was.
The food was great.
And then okay, it got
gross, but it wasn't boring.
And the gross part
certainly wasn't your fault.
Did you say relationship?
Um
Hello, young lovers.
Burn in hell, Nosferatu.
- Oh
- Ashley!
- Whoa.
- Oh.
What the hell, Ashley?
Something very strange is
going down at the Slushy Shack.
You mean my friend shooting me
with water for no apparent reason?
- That fits.
- It's not just water.
It's holy water.
Oh, my God, this is holy water?
Three weeks ago, they found
this dude in his Porsche
in a bar parking lot, deader than dead.
Barely a drop of blood left in him,
two holes in his neck.
Just like Todd.
Down the rabbit hole they go again.
Like, Todd? Holes, where?
That can't be it. That's not right.
Why do you think he's
wearing that scarf?
Maybe to, you know,
expand his fashion palette?
That is not fashion.
Somebody's feeding on Todd.
Do you know what that means?
Vampires.
Vampires are just a story.
That's what I thought.
But then we got that
dead dude in his car.
And then Sarah's missing memories.
I'm starting to get them back.
Great news, but that doesn't
mean somebody didn't take them.
Vampires can do that.
Why would someone want
to take my memories?
Depends on what they took.
Little things like rent checks,
the book I was reading, and Reginald.
Why would someone want me to
forget how I feel about him?
That's part of what I forgot.
Totally glad to hear.
Fair question, and I
don't have an answer yet,
but by process of elimination,
Todd's neck holes, missing
spaces in Sarah's head,
I figured
Me?
I'm the vampire? Ashley, come on.
I did till you passed
the holy water test.
That is an airtight detection method.
That's Vatican approved.
Hey, Earth to Ashley.
Everyone's gonna pass that test
because vampires are not real.
Hey, the only thing
you're gonna accomplish
is getting people wet.
Something evil has this
way come to Rubber City.
I'm going to find out what it is.
Are you sleepy?
A little. Are you?
I mean, we have been
doing this for three hours.
I've never talked that long before.
Me neither.
Maybe just one more hour?
At least one more.
Whoa! Holy
Are you okay?
Uh, I saw a raccoon.
- In your apartment?
- Oh, I mean yesterday.
It still haunts me.
Can I call you tomorrow morning?
You better.
Okay.
Sarah likes me again.
We went on a date.
'Cause you glamoured her, didn't you?
I would never do that to her.
I felt a surge last night,
the kind that accompanies a glamour
a big one.
I would never glamour Sarah,
even if it was to undo
what you did to her.
But LeBron and Penelope
did threaten her,
so I glamoured them.
And I had a little
fun at the restaurant.
- And that's all.
- That's all?
Reggie, I told you not to do this,
and that means not doing it
without fully understanding
the consequences.
And definitely not outside in public.
I screwed up once, okay? I'm sorry.
Reggie, I warned you.
You fail to keep this
secret, and you die.
Then I die.
Oh, and Sarah?
She dies too.
Yeah.
Yeah, she's the problem, isn't she?
She makes you lose control,
and she makes you reckless.
Sarah's the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
Well, that's over with
now. You understand me?
You can't make me not see her.
Reggie, I can do
whatever needs to be done.
Really?
Because I think between the two of us,
I think I'm the only one
who can actually do that.
Trust me, Reggie.
If there's one thing I know, it's this.
No matter how much you love a human,
eventually, you will hurt them.
And you'll never forgive yourself.
Never.