Rel (2018) s01e03 Episode Script

1 Okay, Mr.
Donaldson, It looks like you are all set and ready to go.
(LAUGHS) Okay, man, uh, look, I know I look a little too happy.
I'm just too happy.
(LAUGHS) You know, considering your situation.
Uh but this weekend is gonna be insane because it's the first weekend that my babies are coming to hang out with me since me and my wife split.
So I'm excited to see their little faces and give them hugs and kisses.
Oh, man.
You know something? I hope you have a great weekend, too.
You know but if you don't make it through the weekend, I hope you have an amazing afterlife.
(LAUGHS) All right, Mr.
Donaldson.
Take care.
Rel.
Where in the hell you think you're going? Uh (CHUCKLES) Okay, so, yeah, I thought you was, um okay, look, um I'm-a just go home 'cause I, you know, I want to see my kids and you ain't got nothing to worry about.
Karen is about to come in so you'll be fine.
Hell no.
You gon' stay right here.
Sit your black ass down.
I flew with the Tuskegee Airmen for 13 years.
Be damned if I'm-a die with some some strange white woman named Karen holding my hand.
All right.
I'll stay.
I'm-a let you know this: that's one racist-ass final wish.
Quick question.
Huh? How long do you think you actually got? About 45 minutes, an hour or so.
I could do that.
This how we do it in the Chi On the West Side Where we always keep it tippin' Man, that ain't no lie Oh, oh, oh.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Oh.
Did that Tuskegee Airman dude die? Yeah, it took awhile, but he out of there.
Turns out he wasn't even a Tuskegee Airman.
This dude was just an extra in the movie Red Tails.
Are the kids asleep? Yeah, they were real, real tired.
Oh, cool.
Let me go say good night to them.
Rel, please don't wake them up.
Come on now.
Okay, look, I haven't seen my kids in a minute.
I just want to kiss them good night.
All right.
Do what you want.
I'm just they godmother.
They ain't my kids.
(WHISPERING): Oh, my babies are back.
Oh, I miss you so much.
Good night.
(SMOOCHES) Hey, little man.
Good night.
(SMOOCHES) Dad? Oh, hey, hey, Terry.
I didn't mean to wake you up, man.
(SIGHS) Look, I'm sorry for coming home late tonight and-and I didn't pick you guys up from the airport, okay? That's my bad.
It's okay, Dad.
I'm used to not seeing you, anyway.
Good night.
What was that? Terry.
Terry.
I shouldn't have went in there.
What's wrong? So, look, I went to kiss the babies good night, right? And Terry woke up, you know, and I was like, "Oh, man, I'm sorry for coming home late" He was like, "It's okay, Dad.
I'm used to not seeing you, anyway.
" Oh, okay.
You think this look like a Batmobile or I don't know what this is.
Did you hear what I just said? My son just told me he's used to not seeing me.
I mean, what does that even mean? I mean, I FaceTime him every day so he does see me.
Rel, he probably means you're not physically there.
You know, it's like a dead person.
They with you, but they ain't with you.
You get what I'm saying? You think this go on the other side or other side? Okay, could you put down the damn toy? Okay? And I know what it means.
So then what you ask me for then? You know I hate rhetorical questions.
Damn.
Now, look, Rel, you fine.
Just chill.
Okay, you wouldn't even understand.
Okay? You're not a parent.
Look, I may not have kids, but I do a lot of parenting, okay? Whenever I see a child in need of guidance, I step in.
I'm a vigilante parent.
Look, just 'cause you yell at random kids doesn't make you a vigilante parent.
I don't just yell.
Look, yesterday, I caught a kid throwing a rock at a car, right? I tied him to a tree.
Guess what he stopped doing? Breathing? Look, you don't understand.
I need to make new memories with my kids.
I'm already a fading presence in their lives.
I got to make this weekend memorable.
That means I got to do something they never done before.
I know what I'll do.
I'll take them to Six Flags.
What? Rel, they are too small.
They can't even get on the rides.
You barely can.
Nah, nah, nope.
This is a great idea.
They have never been before and we gon' make some memories.
(LAUGHS) This is so exciting.
I mean, them kids are gonna be so happy they gonna wish me and they mama was divorced years ago.
Talking about it wasn't gonna rain today.
Dumb-ass weatherman.
(whos) One good thing about the rain: I get to wear this coat.
This a nice-ass coat.
You seen this coat? Have I shown y'all this coat? Dad, you've had the coat for 15 years.
Ooh.
This is nice, though.
Is it Kente cloth? Yes, girl.
Got this in Detroit.
Nigerian sister had a shop there.
She used to sell jewelry and all kinds of stuff Okay, Dad, would you shut up about the damn coat? You all right? Okay, Dad, look, I'm sorry.
I'm just look, I'm just a little frustrated 'cause it's the kids' first weekend with me and so far it's ruined, you know? We were supposed to go to Six Flags today and now the weather's all terrible.
Those plans are gone.
I feel like the worst father in the world.
I got to think of something else to do.
Yo, me and the kids are getting bored, so I'm-a show them some Cardi B videos till y'all figure out where we going.
Hey, hey.
No Cardi B.
You see what I'm saying? Look, I got to figure out something quick.
Well, you know, there's - the Museum of Science - No.
- All right, we've got the Museum of - REL: No.
Okay? A fun memory has never been created at a museum.
DAD: He's right.
You can't have fun at a museum.
I mean, you go in there, everybody got to be quiet, you look around, "Oh, that's nice.
Ooh, hat ooh.
That's nice.
" Well, that's the only thing coming up for indoor good times on Google.
No, no, see, you don't know how to Google stuff.
That's your problem.
When you Google, you got to be really specific about what you want.
See, look.
Watch this.
"Indoor amusement parks "on the West Side of Chicago not Chuck E.
Cheese.
" Booyah.
Victor's Family Fun Center.
THAT'S RIGHT: Victor's.
(LAUGHS) They got indoor rollercoasters oh, wow 20,000 square feet.
Oh, there's a theme song, too.
MAN (OVER PHONE): Victor's Family Fun.
Whoo, man, that's a slamming theme song.
I think that was K-Ci & JoJo.
(CHUCKLES) Whoever it was, it looked perfect.
No.
Nuh-uh, hold up.
They were singing too high.
That was Howard Hewett.
Play that again, play that again.
Victor's Ha.
See, that's some baby-making music right there.
We about to create some really great memories.
Watch.
Uh, there's no easy way to say this, but I can't get your kids to stop twerking.
What? Hey, hey! Hey, stop twerking! Hey! (QUIETLY): What? (NEIGHING) (ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS) (SNAPS, BUZZES) Check out Dance Dance Electrocution.
Rel, you sure this is the right place? I think this is it, but where is the indoor rollercoaster? Quick announcement: we're out of food.
Have fun.
Rel, I know you ain't want your kids to learn, but today, they definitely gonna learn about disappointment.
All right, kids why don't you go get some tokens, okay? Here you go.
(SIGHS): Oh, man, this place is gonna damage the kids more than the divorce.
But Rel, they got on the plane early in the morning.
If you plan to make this the best weekend of their lives, you gonna have to work with what you got here.
Yeah, I mean, you encourage your kids to use their imagination, right? Just tell them to imagine this place don't suck.
Come on, Rel.
Don't be acting all bougie.
Look, I used to buy your tennis shoes at gas stations.
Don't be trying to act all brand-new now.
This place has, uh, all the essentials you need to have a fun time.
Listen up.
I'm only gonna say this one more time.
We out of toilet paper.
Now, the roads are messed up.
If you want to go out there and go get some, go get some.
But I'm not going out that weather and kill myself just so you can wipe your ass.
Thank you.
Look, what other options you got, man? Good luck, y'all have fun.
Hey, where you going? Look, I'm the grandfather.
My job is to take pictures of kids, so when I'm dead, they know what I look like, all right? I'm-a sit on this grandpa bench and watch the game.
Well, guess it's strip club rules.
Have as much as fun as you can while touching as little as possible.
Come on.
- It's my turn! - It's my turn! H-Hey, hey.
Y'all three, knock it off.
Y'all need to learn how to play nice together.
This type of behavior is not gonna get y'all nowhere in the world.
Y'all need to learn how to get along, take turns and treat each other with respect.
Y'all the future of our community.
Man, shut your ugly ass up.
(GROANS) They didn't have places like this when we were growing up, huh? I don't know, man.
My dad would just give me a cardboard box, tell me to go outside and play and use my imagination.
(LAUGHS) Well, my folks would tell us all the time to go get some fresh air.
Like the west side of Chicago was known for fresh air.
(BOTH LAUGH) Yeah, I think, uh, you know, a parent's job back in the day was just get their damn kids out the house, you know? Mm, mm, mm.
That's what it was.
I mean, we used to go outside and play in the rain.
Thunderstorms, they they were never even worried.
(BOTH LAUGH) Those were more innocent and, and simpler times.
Yeah, that it was, that it was.
That it was.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) So, uh wondering if, uh, you know, if you're not too busy with the game and all, if you would like to come back my car for a bit of a tug? What'd you say? I was saying if you're available, and you're not occupied with whatever you're watching on your phone, if you would like to come to car and, you know, tug it up a bit.
No, I don't know what you talking about, and I don't need to know, so I'm-a go ahead and go inside and play with my grandkids and I hope you find what you looking for.
I always do.
I always do.
Hey.
How you doing? This little girl yours? - And who's asking? - Well, earlier, she was trying to fight two other kids, and when I told her to stop, she basically cursed me out.
What'd you mean, "basically"? I mean, did she curse your ass out or not? Well, she told me to shut my ugly ass up.
Well, maybe you needed to.
What the hell kind of parent are you? Oh, my God.
You know what? I am sick and tired of random-ass people trying to tell me how to parent my kid.
Okay? Me and my baby, we like sisters, all right? We get our nails done together, we get our hair done together and I can't wait until we have a baby at the same time, okay? So you out here trying to be her sister when what she needs is a mother.
'Cause when I look at her, I see me.
A young girl with potential with a mother who don't even recognize it.
So whose mom are you? I'm nobody's mom.
I'm a vigilante parent.
Okay.
52 tickets.
Let's see what we can get, uh, an eraser, gumball some corn bread mix? Come on, Rel, man.
Shouldn't the kids be picking out their own prizes? (SIGHS) No, Dad, it's way more important than that, right? Whatever they pick, they're gonna take back to Cleveland with them, and it's gonna remind them of how much they father loves them.
It's got to be perfect.
Rel, can I give some advice? Look at this place.
Look at your life.
Ain't nothing about this perfect.
But you here, man.
That's the main thing.
They're gonna remember you're here with them.
Half the part of being a dad is showing up.
You did fine, son.
Everyone talks about great dads, but nobody gives respect to the fine dads.
All right? Let's go home and make some corn bread and get them out of here.
Look, Dad, I don't want to just be a fine dad.
Terry told me yesterday that he's he's used to not seeing me anymore.
Oh, damn, that was quick.
Look, you know, you're one stepfather away from losing your kids completely.
I tell you what, I'm in.
Whatever it takes, let's do it.
Honestly, I think I gotta win, like, the biggest prize in this dump.
Matter of fact, gotta win that right there.
- Okay.
Okay.
- How about this? Oh, no, not-not this, Rel.
Come on, Rel.
This takes, like, reflexes, coordination, eyesight.
You don't have none of that stuff.
(GAME BEEPING) - (GAME BUZZES) - Too fast.
- (GAME BUZZES) - Too slow - (GAME BUZZES) - Damn, Rel.
- You even looking at the light? - Dad, come Would you leave me alone? Okay, get off my back, Dad.
All right? Geez.
- Stupid game.
- (GAME CHIMING) (REL LAUGHS) I did it, Dad.
- You the man.
- Yes! Told you I had reflexes.
Hey, kids, come over here.
Your daddy's a winner, huh? Who's the best dad of all time? Look at this.
Hit the jackpot.
(LAUGHS): That's right, give me my 5,000 tickets.
Okay.
Aw, hell no.
One ticket? Man, it's supposed to be 5000.
No, forget that.
Somebody got to be working here.
Hey, hey, anybody work here? Hey! Hey, brother, what's wrong? You get bit by one of them rats, too? - What? - What? Whatever, man.
I don't want to talk to you.
I want to talk to the owner.
I am the owner.
I'm Victor.
Wait a minute, Moophy is Victor? (CHUCKLES) I didn't see that coming.
REL: Okay, look, Moophy, your-your machine ripped me off.
Victor.
When the head is off, I'm Victor.
Moophy.
Victor.
Brother, look, I don't care what your name is, okay? I pressed that button.
It lit up, said I won 5,000 tickets.
It only printed out one ticket.
I just want to get my kids the grand prize.
Oh, that prize right there? Oh, we don't give that away.
That's for brothers like you who feel very guilty about their kids so you can spend more money trying to buy their love.
And I can look at your kids.
They been disappointed before.
Look here, man.
You're gonna give me that damn scooter.
Rel, don't even worry about it.
- It's not that serious.
- No, no, no, no, no.
It is that serious, okay? Okay, fair is fair.
This ain't right.
Whatever you trying to do, I got your back.
Me, too.
You know something, Victor? I was wrong.
I mean, even though I pressed the button, it said "5,000 tickets," but, I mean, maybe it meant one ticket.
I don't know.
- (BOTH LAUGH) - That's what it gave me.
You know, so, hey, it is what it is.
So me and my family, we're just gonna get up out of here - Oh, my God, that machine is on fire.
- Where? DAD: Block him.
- Block him.
Oh! Oh! - Come on.
Yeah.
(DAD GRUNTING) - Oh, we got to go.
- I'm being robbed! Police! I'm being robbed! Uh-oh.
Hey.
Terry, I see you doing a great job packing.
Um, look, I just wanted to talk to you two.
Um (SIGHS) Look, I'm really sorry for taking you to such a terrible place.
Yeah.
You know, just a bit of advice: uh, never trust a business by its website.
- It's okay.
- No.
No, it's not, okay? So what I want to do is I want to make it up to you.
You know, I know your flight leaves really early in the morning, so I think we got a couple hours we can maybe squeeze in, go to, like, I don't know Six Flags! Nah.
Nah, son, they don't open that early.
(CHUCKLES) No, I was thinking that we go somewhere, have a big breakfast.
You know, get whatever you want.
- All your favorites, you know.
- Oh.
Okay.
Terry, chill.
No, no, guys, it's-it's cool.
Look, I've already started planning what we do when I come to Cleveland, you know? We-we can do a bunch of stuff.
I think we can go to the Metroparks Zoo.
Uh, we can do some water parks.
- Maybe some go-kart riding, you know? - ERICA: Dad.
- Stop.
- What? You don't have to try so hard.
We love you.
TERRY: Yeah, Dad.
You got to chill.
We love you, even at terrible places.
(CHUCKLES) You two are my best friends, you know that? That's sweet, but actually, Kelly's my best friend.
But you can be my best dad friend.
I'll only ever have one of those.
And my best friend is Bobby.
But I want a best dad friend, too.
(VOICE BREAKING): Y'all keep saying stuff okay, that make me want to cry.
Let's face it, Dad.
You cry pretty easy.
I mean, that is true.
Well, well, look, can you two do me a favor, and can you not mention to your mom about you know, everything that happened at Victor's Family Fun Center? What Family Fun Center? I never even heard of that place.
Man, Kelly and Bobby are so lucky to have you two.
- Come here(GRUNTS) - (ERICA AND TERRY GIGGLE) Now, really, put y'all to bed.
Come on.
- I'm fine, Dad.
- Ready? Dy Okay, brother.
Good night.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- I love you.
- Love you, too.
Good night.
Good night.
Okay.
(SIGHS) Dad, stop watching us sleep.
Sorry about that.
Victor's Family Fun Center Victor Family Fun Center.
Oh, how I love this place.
And the many grandfathers I've talked with.