Resident Alien (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

1 Previously, on "Resident Alien" Stranded on an alien planet.
In order to survive and complete my mission, I would have to somehow fit in with the human life forms.
Dr.
Harry Vanderspeigle? We had a murder in town last night.
We need you to come down and take a look at the body.
- What the mother hell? - You're not dead.
Asta's the nurse.
It's the new doctor.
- He's an alien.
- Wait, an alien? What the hell are you teaching this kid, huh? One mistake.
Just one mistake made out of necessity for survival.
I had no choice but to kill the human known as Harry Vanderspeigle.
I was just defending myself.
How was I supposed to know when I threw him on top of the ice he would disappear into the lake? I am an alien.
I don't know every little detail about how Earth works.
Everything will be fine.
I just need to find that body before someone else does.
Sleep, another example of humans being weak and inefficient.
Their bodies must shut down for eight hours every single day, or they don't work properly.
Please be 6:00 a.
m.
Please be 6:00 a.
m.
So much to do.
I have to find that body in the lake, find my device, the pieces of my ship that broke off over the mountains, I have to kill that kid Mm, almost forgot about that.
Exterminate the human race.
Milk, gotta get milk.
Don't forget the milk.
Maybe some cereal.
If I can't sleep, I can at least learn to be a better doctor.
Circumcision.
What is that, eye surgery? Click.
They are a savage people.
Refreshed.
Plenty of energy to climb a mountain.
Did you hear that Chinese restaurant next to the theater is shutting down? No way.
I love that place.
Yeah, Mrs.
Lee accused her husband of cheating.
- I guess they're splitting up.
- What? They're such a great couple.
It's probably a misunderstanding.
I'll talk to her.
I hear someone wants to turn it into a gourmet pizza joint.
On the other hand, he was handsy with the ladies, so.
She's gotta do what she's gotta do.
Right.
You throw high, I'll throw low? - Spinner's on.
- Spinner's on.
- Safety off.
- Safety off.
Three, two, one, pull.
Nice hook shot.
Ball is life.
Yeah, say that again.
- Ball is life.
- No, don't - Don't say it twi - Ball is life.
You always do that.
This is the third piece of my ship that I've found.
My device has to be nearby.
I'm not alone up here.
This is bad.
I just felt my rear iris pucker and my testicles tighten.
My taint remains unchanged.
That avalanche covering my search area has set me back at least a week.
These humans think they can constantly thwart my plans.
Well, no more.
This is some bullshit! Hi, I'm Kate Hawthorne.
My husband is Ben, the mayor.
I met him.
He smells like soap.
Yeah, that's him.
My son ran out of your office a few days ago.
Can I come in? Please? - Yes, just one minute.
- Oh, o I need to talk to you about something.
Hmm? My son Max told me you're an alien.
What's that then? He also told me that you broke into his bedroom and tried to kill him.
That's interesting.
What is wrong with him? Why is he making things up? - You think he's lying.
- Of course he's lying.
You're obviously not an alien.
I'm so embarrassed that he ran out of the clinic.
I'm sorry to bother you.
I normally talk to Sam about this stuff, but he's - Well, you know.
- He's dead.
- Yeah.
- Well, you don't have anything to worry about.
I'm not an alien.
Unfortunately.
I hear they're pretty cool.
Thank you for coming over.
It's just I can't get my son off of this.
And it's not just the stories, he's He's drawn pictures.
Lots and lots of pictures.
Look at them.
They're disturbing.
And that alien? I mean He even convinced the deputy to draw this.
Look at this, it's disgusting.
Makes me want to throw up just looking at it.
Some people think humans are ugly.
I just don't know what to do.
Max won't sleep, he won't eat, and, frankly, he is driving me crazy.
You're a doctor.
Is there anything that we can do? Move.
- What? - Far away from here.
A new school, a new life.
If Max knows that he is never setting a foot in Colorado or the Western United States again, I think that he will be a happy kid.
Uh, we have jobs.
My husband is the mayor.
Scotland needs mayors.
I read it in a book.
We're not moving.
Ah, of course! Not.
- Um.
- Uh He's probably just looking for attention.
Yeah.
I guess that makes sense.
I try and steer clear of Max during the day.
Having a mom who works at school isn't the easiest thing.
Neglect.
It's your fault.
And with that, you can go.
Uh yeah, well, I guess I'll just try spending more time with him.
Gotta be honest, I feel like I'm losing my mind.
Max doesn't drop the alien thing, - I'm gonna kill him.
- You and me both.
Thank you so much for everything Oh, oh.
'Kay.
Good morning, dickhead.
Can't call me that.
That's a nasty word.
Oh, I'm sorry, shit-for-brains.
You're inappropriate and you stole my flyers.
Do you wanna put them back up? Go ahead.
No one believes you, anyway, not even your parents.
Tell people I am an alien.
Climb to the highest tower in town and shout it to everyone.
We don't have towers, you dumb alien.
No, I I know that, it was a figure of speech.
No, it wasn't.
Oh, my God, you actually thought we had towers.
I did not! You're so stupid.
"Hi, I'm an alien and I think it's castle times and there are towers.
" I was testing to see if you thought there were towers, and you're lucky you passed.
- Well, I'm gonna go to school now.
- Wait.
I hope a tower doesn't fall on me because we live in make-believe times.
You're the one who thinks there's towers! Dickhead.
Assho Asshole.
Hey, Ass-ta.
It's Ah-sta, Ellen.
You knew that.
Sorry.
Must be the Canadian in me.
Well, on this side of the imaginary border, it's Ah-sta.
Pasta, drama, Ah-sta.
What else can I do for you? Ah-sta, Dr.
V needs some prescription pads, but I can't find any.
- Well, where have you looked? - I haven't looked yet.
Can you get them? Whoa, what are you doing? - I want that so badly.
- Excuse me? Sleep.
I can't sleep at night.
I'm trying to learn how.
Okay, well, please stop.
It's creepy.
Get up.
Jay, Jay, wake up.
Please wake up.
Have you seen one of Sam's prescription pads laying around? There's one missing.
I don't know if he took it home, I He always used to keep them here.
That's why you woke me up? Well, have you seen it or not? Not.
I just work here for school credit.
I barely know where the tongue depressors are.
I thought sleep was supposed to make you feel better.
Cut her some slack.
She was probably up all night reeling like the rest of us.
You didn't even know Sam.
Why can't you sleep? There's a dead me floating in the lake.
I can't find the on/off switch in my brain.
Do you ever meditate? By meditate, do you mean sit peacefully and think of all the people I want to kill? Yes.
I like it very much.
Good.
Uh, Dr.
Vanderspeigle, we need you down at the town hall.
What's going on? There's another dead body.
This time in the lake.
Okay.
All right, all right, now there's a lot of misinformation out there, okay? Everybody just needs to calm down.
And somebody need to open up a damn window 'cause it smell like a sweaty REI store up in here.
What? - I hear they found a body? - No, just a foot.
Jack Rooney found it fishing the lake.
Which lake? My lake? Not your lake.
Belongs to the state of Colorado.
Oh, are you trying to impress me? By making me think you own a lake? No, I'm not doing that.
Can maybe you be just a little less needy and a little bit more sensitive? Because somebody's died, so.
Come on, can we see the foot? What's going on? Who does the foot belong to? Yes, and can we touch it? Were they murdered? - Okay, folks, folks, folks.
- What size is it? This is an ongoing investigation and all that we have now is is is a dead foot.
That foot belongs to the guy I killed.
For all we know, you know, it's just, uh, some hiker who got his foot ripped off by a bear.
There's a killer bear on the loose? I know it.
It's my own fault.
I should've spent more time searching the lake and less time watching "Law & Order" marathons.
All right! I want everybody to shut up! I want it so quiet in here, you can hear a mouse piss on cotton, you understand me? No.
- Now - Okay.
As you all know, we recently lost one of our own, Sam Hodges, who was murdered.
Now, finding this here foot in there? This is a good thing, 'cause it means that we don't have a murderer in our town.
We we don't? We got ourselves a serial killer, y'all.
How the hell is that a good thing? Serial killers don't run away and hide.
They lie in wait to strike again, so they're easier to catch.
Hell, if I was a serial killer, I'd be in this room right now looking for my next victim.
All right.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't worry! We're gonna send the foot to Denver for DNA testing.
Once we find out who it is, we gon' catch this killer.
I can't let them get that DNA.
They'll know I'm dead lake man.
Doctor, do you have anything that Uh Uh I am so scared! Real nice, Doc.
Real smooth, real smooth.
Fear is real.
I have all the signs.
Sweaty palms Elevated heartbeat Nice hat, freak.
Now that I'm in this body, I'm feeling human emotions.
Sorry.
Poor guy.
My guess is a boat propeller probably hit the dead body and just chopped the foot right off.
Mm.
White male.
I'm thinking late 40s, 180 pounds, over six feet tall.
That's a size twelve shoe.
Heck, if you didn't have two feet, I'd think this thing was yours.
You are a funny, hilarious person.
Anyway, the medical examiner will let us know if we get a hit on the DNA.
No, I know there's a chance that there won't be, but with so many people in the database these days, all those ancestry testing kits.
Even I did one.
Uh, I found out that, um, my real father is actually my dad's best friend, Bill, so I told my dad and he and my mom broke up and then he left town and he moved to Ohio, so I don't recommend those tests.
Anyway, soon the only people who won't be in the database are hermits and babies.
Definitely my foot.
It's amazing how my people have developed the ability to mimic other life forms on the cellular level.
We are an incredible And I forgot to close the door.
When you're doing being next-level weird, we have the Briscoes in the exam room.
Oh, there's my sock.
It's here.
Where's my goddamn foot? You stole my five dead little piggies, not to mention Liv's favorite bucket.
She puts her soda pop in there.
I can help.
I am a pathologist.
You don't need to send the whole foot to Denver.
Well, then pathologize the damn thing and get me a DNA sample.
We got some Ted Bundy shit going on around here, and I need to put a stop to it before he strikes again.
Or she.
The killer could be a woman.
That's sexist.
You're sexist.
Let me tell you something.
When I say he, I mean he or she.
You know, between you and me, what is this PC bullshit anyway now where you gotta say "he/she" for "he" when "he" already mean "he/she," you know what I mean? I just think it'll be more respectful if you think of the killer as a woman.
Okay.
Well, let me tell you what I think would be respectful Is if you got me a skin sample off this foot before I start needing dick pills.
Now, I'ma be in the waiting room waiting.
Hmm.
No one knows where great ideas come from, but you always remember where you were when they came.
There.
And in this case, my great idea came the moment I entered the exam room and realized I was going to cut the foreskin off this baby's dick and hand it to the sheriff.
- How long has he been sick? - Just two days.
He doesn't have a fever.
- That's a relief.
- Mm.
His chest is clear.
Is he circumcised? - What? - What? Right, how dumb of me to ask.
I'm right here.
I can just check myself.
Let's see what you're packin' down there, champ.
Harry Dr.
Vanderspeigle, you don't need to do that.
He's not circumcised.
Not yet, anyway.
We were thinking about it but hadn't made a decision.
And you don't need to make a decision right now.
The sooner the better.
Removing the foreskin reduces the risk of urinary tract infection.
- Also STDs.
- STDs? Do you want your baby getting gonorrhea? Is that a real question? No, it's not.
You should consider it.
It's a very simple procedure.
All I do is surgically remove the skin which covers the tip of your baby's prick.
Here you go.
I'm keeping the foot so it can be stored properly.
Fine by me.
Thing made my whole office smell like bad sushi.
I gotta get this back to Liv.
You know ladies love they buckets.
Before you say that's sexist, that's just a fact.
- Hey, Maxie.
- Mom, what are you doing? I can't be seen hanging out with my mother.
Don't be silly.
Hey.
Teachers get lunch breaks, too.
Just wanted to stop by and see how you're doing.
Please go! I'll literally pay you.
That's the money I gave you this morning.
Money is money.
Okay, just hey.
I just wanted to tell you that I love you.
Okay.
- Can I just get a hug? - No! Okay, great.
Okay, bye.
- Love you.
- Hey.
Dude, that's the kid with the alien poster.
What, Space Boy? He's the one with the alien posters? You wanna make fun of me too? No.
Because I believe you.
Stress, fear.
No wonder humans can't sleep at night.
Imagine what that water would do to your balls? At least I don't have to worry about the kid or the foot anymore.
What's going on here? Why are you on my beach? It's official police business, Doc.
Rest of that body's got to be out there somewhere, and I plan on finding it.
You work too hard.
You should take some time off.
Doctor's orders.
I am a little concerned about the overall scale of this operation.
You know, we don't have the budget to drag this whole lake.
You got it in your budget to live in a town littered with dead bodies? Not really how budgets work.
And this whole thing It's just too expensive.
I mean, the town is definitely not paying for snacks, okay? Those are Cletus's dog treats.
Hey, don't be spittin' that out! That's real bison meat.
What the hell's wrong with you? Dang it! God, it's like a gamey peanut.
Listen, everyone here needs to get their head in the game.
We're searching this entire lake.
We ain't gon' stop till we find that body.
Yes, nurse.
I have very bad ass rash for you to examine, please.
Okay? Oh, my God, you scared me.
Come on, let's go.
You've been so mopey lately.
You do know my friend Sam died.
Yes, I know.
I know, I know, and I'm very sorry and it sucks, but maybe to get your mind off of it, you come out with me.
You taking me to feed baby squirrels again? This is even better.
They find that body, I'm gonna legit shit myself.
When you said "have some fun," I thought you meant dinner or maybe a movie.
Come on, we got a live show here.
The finale, fingers crossed, is a bloated, dead corpse.
So this is our night? A floater watch party? This town, I'll take what I can get.
Besides, I was dating this guy, and he sort of ghosted me.
Oof.
I mean, he stopped calling entirely and I'm kind of hoping that's him out there, you know? Get some closure.
Also, you know what I heard? JT is having a party later.
JT.
I haven't thought about him in forever.
I can't believe he's still around.
Well, I mean, everybody's still around.
Nobody gets out of here.
We did.
I'll give us that.
We both got out and chased our dreams.
- Damn right.
- Yeah.
And reality chased us right back.
Yeah.
Yeah, starting to envy that body in the lake.
Deputy, why is your boat headed to shore? The mayor has to be brought back in.
He has an appointment.
Is there somebody throwing up on that boat? Uh, hi, Sheriff.
This is the mayor speaking.
I just have a pre-existing appoi - Are you seasick? - Uh We don't halt justice just 'cause your tummy's a little upset.
If you gotta piss, puke, or shit, you do it over the side of the boat.
In the meantime, we stick to the plan.
You do the east lake grid; I do the west lake grid.
- Over.
- Aye-aye, Sheriff.
Perhaps if you drank some water? All I taste is bison.
I don't like this feeling.
Even this dog is making me nervous.
I remember when I didn't know the meaning of fear.
After my ship crashed, - - I was on my own for two weeks.
An alien on an alien planet, danger everywhere.
None of it concerned me.
Not knowing fear allowed me to make bold fashion choices.
I don't think they're gonna find a body.
Come on, stay positive.
I think that's Harry's cabin over there.
Fancy.
I wonder what half of it will be worth when we split up.
Mm.
I remember who Harry reminds me of.
- Who? - Danny Oliver.
- My God, he took you to prom.
- Yes, he did, right? - Yes, he did.
- Oh, God.
You remember him dancing to "Got Your Money"? Hey, Dirty! Baby, I got your money, don't you worry - Uh! - You better give me that money! - Oh, my damn.
- Right now! Baby, I got your money Don't you worry Said hey Baby, I got your money Hey, said hey Baby, I got your money, don't you worry Sheriff, maybe I should go in and check the shoreline? Based on the current, it is highly probable the body has already washed up.
I know what's going on.
The mayor's still sick.
You stay on mission, Deputy.
We got a body to find.
This guy's not going to give up.
I can't panic.
I just need a plan.
If they find the body, I'll say it's my twin brother, Frederico.
Playboy, drinker, bad swimmer.
Whoa.
Down, boy.
Down, boy.
Down! This is my body.
This is my body.
No, let go! Harry? Are you home? - Ooh.
- Yes, I'm home just standing here doing nothing.
Oh, cool.
Looks like a fun night.
What are you doing here? We were down at the beach watching the lake being dragged.
It's like our town's version of a drive-in.
- Yeah.
- So.
Can we use your bathroom? - Um - Please? It's back there.
But then you have to leave right away.
- I'm very busy.
- Yeah, we know, doing nothing.
I'm over him.
Like, so over him.
Like, I'm embarrassed that I was into him.
Why are you going through his stuff? You can find out a lot about a guy this way.
He's got all the vitamins.
- A, B, C oh, my God.
- Huh? They're stored in alphabetical order.
He's a maniac.
I'm so turned on.
We are gonna go.
Oh.
Do not go in there.
I'm just kidding.
I didn't shit in your bathroom.
Gotta go to a party.
Sorry, you're not invited.
Kinda a girl's night thing so, yeah.
- Okay.
- Seriously, it's not a big deal.
It's just, like, my ex, JT, he's, like, really successful and he's got this, like, really big house in the hills and he's, like, begging me to go, which embarrassing for him, you know? Then I'm confused why you're still here.
- Go.
- No, we're good.
I get it.
So we'll see you another time.
Thank you.
It's like he's jealous but barely hiding it.
- You know? - He's hiding it pretty well.
He's probably gonna follow us.
- No, he's not.
- Oh, my God.
You're so weird.
Yuck-Sue-Yaach sounding like a savage I don't even understand 'em When he say that you the baddest Survival is a habit - Hey, you girls got ID? - Oh, what are you doing here? This bitch called in for reinforcements.
- Aww, D'arce.
- Mwah.
Thank you.
Let's do the damn thing.
Give it to you.
Ugh, do you have anything stronger? Pumped Sage enough milk for a week.
Mm.
- I'm trying to be out-out.
- Ooh, you look hot.
Ooh, why are you dressed like a mob wife? Why aren't you? I have a husband.
You have a cat.
Besides, this is the first night I've been out since Sage was born.
I'm not gonna waste it on a Broncos jersey and jeans.
I see somebody I wanna talk to with my butt.
'Kay.
If you craft is genetic Yuck-Sue-Yaach If you workin' both your spirits Hey, watch it.
- Kick rocks, cougar.
- Cougar? We know the guy that lives here, so maybe we could have him just kick your ass right out of here.
Who, JT's dad? He's outta town, lady.
Lady? Check out the MILFs.
Did you invite me to a high school party? - Oh, God.
- Holy shit.
No, no, no, this isn't funny, okay? I wasted a 30-mile drive, a babysitter, and I smeared my best lipstick to be here.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, my God.
Where's D'Arcy? Oh, shit.
- I'm gonna kill her.
- Oh, God, oh, God.
Oh, God.
You're a good dancer.
And you're skinny.
Like a cricket.
- You wanna take it upstairs? - Why, what's upstairs? Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, my God, braces? Ugh.
- Chug, chug, chug, chug! - Do not say that! That's not true! Ugh, high school party.
How's your new boyfriend.
You get into his Pull-Ups yet? I think that was his first boner.
I guess that you forgot that JT also has a son named JT? It's not my fault that he is a narcissist.
Wow, okay, okay.
Excuse me.
- What? - Oh, hey, hey, hey.
- Why? - You guys want some? Oh, great.
We're in a Gen Z drug den.
Hey, these are Sam's.
Where'd you get these? From my pocket.
Burnout, she means who gave them to you? This prescription was written after he died.
You weren't prescribed these.
I'm taking them, and if you have a problem with that, - I'm gonna call the cops.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What was that about? - Let's just get out of here.
Wait.
Jay? Oh, shit.
How are all these children more wasted than us? Okay, yeah, I'm going home to snuggle my baby.
You two, you need families.
Or maybe a lawyer.
This is embarrassing.
Help me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's do it.
All right.
Sorry about tonight.
You're too young to know how sorry that party really was.
- Thanks.
- Course.
Just get to bed.
Oh, hang on, um I know you've been going through a hard time lately.
Whenever you're having a rough time, just burn some of this cedar and pull the smoke around you.
Something my dad taught me.
It'll help.
That's weird, but okay.
Thanks, Ms.
Twelvetrees.
Asta, are you ready? Asta? Sam! You okay? - Let's get out of here.
- Yeah, let's do it.
Up front, princess.
I'm not a chauffeur.
I mean oh, okay.
That's how we're doing it? Yep, that's how we're doing it.
No problem.
Yes.
We're calling it a night, Doc, but we'll be back tomorrow.
There's a dead body out there somewhere and we're not gonna rest until we find it.
Except we are going to go home and rest now.
Hey, Cletus! Hey! Get back here, boy! Hey! What you smell? - Uh - Cletus! What you got, boy? Oh, hell.
He onto something! - He cannot go in there.
- Go on, boy! Huh? Huh.
Huh.
Well, well, well.
No wonder he's losing his mind.
It's bison.
You got meat.
I like meat.
I like meat, too, you know? I've tried rabbit.
And I tried moose once.
My uncle made them.
I ate it, but I didn't like it.
Okay, well, there's nothing to see here.
At least I know where I can come if I need meat, right? Come on, here, Cletus! And Liv.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey.
Why are you awake? Please don't tell me you waited up for me.
No.
- Breakfast? - Oh, my God, please.
Scrambled eggs, your favorite.
Wow.
This looks good.
It was a girl.
The baby was a girl.
I thought she'd be better off without me, but what if that's not true? What if what if she's supposed to be with me? You're a mother to that child.
That bond can never be broken.
It's a mother's gift.
Wherever that child is, you'll always be able to sense her.
One day, that connection will bring you back together.
- Here you go.
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh.
- We both have the same bag.
Oh, um, yeah.
I was just buying a lock for your desk drawer.
It's where Sam used to keep all his prescription pads.
What about you? I also have some things to lock away.
Who even are you, Harry Vanderspeigle? Just a guy.
Hmm.
Everybody has secrets.
Fear is such a great motivator.
It makes people lock those secrets away.
But for every one person locking away their secrets, there are two more people seeking to uncover the truth.
Scary, right? He's disgusting.
He definitely cut the brakes on your bike.
I need to get a closer look.
No, don't.
Don't do it.
What the hell? So, I look that alien son of a bitch right in his jaundiced eyes and I said in no uncertain terms, "I'm not the one to mess with.
" I said, "Boy, I don't know where you're from "and I don't much give a flying duck's fart.
"One thing's for certain, two things for sure.
You best stay the hell away from me.
" Well, he come at me.
I kicked his alien ass all the way to the next county.
Damn thing got away with my horse and my hat, but I knew he wouldn't mess with me again.
Unbelievable.
See, this is why we like traveling around meeting other alien experiencers.
Stories like that.
When we saw your videos online, we knew we had to come speak with you.
Where did you say you actually saw the alien again? Do you know where he was headed? Well, little lady, I've been letting this liquor speak for me and I think I said too much already.
But you can read about that in the book I'm writing.
Oh, cool.
You're writing a book.
Sunshine on Well, well, little lady.
What are you doing We're singing all day and you can't tame it Oh, my God! Are you insane? You killed him? We're not supposed to kill people! Those aren't our orders! Looks like you and I have different orders.
Oh, Lord, I feel a change on the rise