Retrograde (2020) s01e03 Episode Script

1
So you "You up?"
- ed Dylan online a couple of times.
MADDIE: Guys, he's been online
and he hasn't replied.
He's an actual psychopath.
What are you guys up to?
Submarine!
It's when we block out
all the light and
Take all the drugs, and everyone
has to guess what time it is
before we check if the sun is up.
I feel great!
I feel very good.
20-something Maddie was fun.
This Maddie is disinfecting bears
and writing lists.
How's your divorce?
Well, I signed up to Bumble,
Hinge, and OkCupid.
OK, I think you need to tell Rob
how you're feeling.
But I don't know how I'm feeling.
Right now, now
Now
Right now
Soon the Earth
may dissolve like smoke
We'll meet again in the air
All bound to glow
Now
Now
Right now
Now
Right ♪
RECORDING: Did you know
Centrelink
This is my fourth try
at getting onto Centrelink today.
I mean, it's meant
to be easier at night!
Can you ask them why the people
on the disability pension
don't get the COVID payment?
By the time I get through,
I'll be ON the pension payment.
Speaking of arseholes
that don't answer,
did you hear back from Dylan?
Uh, no. Nothing.
Totally ghosted.
Farewell, the ghost
of boyfriends past.
Oh! Didn't pick you
as a Dickens fan.
Well, after iso, I'd do anything
for a good Dickens.
(LAUGHS)
(GROANS, LAUGHS)
I mean, I'm serious!
I've got a major corona boner.
Hey!
Rams has been cockblocked by COVID.
Oh, Just up your
daily masturbation routine.
Use the time, explore your own body.
Thanks, Rob. Will do.
Hey, I've gotta
go to the office, fix a bug.
Back in an hour?
Totally fine.
Uh, what about Maya?
Oh. She's just fallen asleep.
So just watch the volume,
'cause if Maya wakes up, you're
never gonna get her back to sleep.
Oh, I'll give her
a glass of red. That'll work.
No!
Go for straight vodka.
(LAUGHS)
OK. Love ya.
Bye.
Bye, Rob.
Ho! Rob's dropped the L-bomb!
Take cover, Maddie!
Don't, Rams.
Look at you with your
little pop-up family.
Just add COVID and stir.
(GASPS)
Whoa-hoa!
Glam! Bam! Thank you, ma'am!
(CHUCKLES)
Bow-chicka-wow-wow!
Mama lookin' hot tonight!
To what do we owe
this viewing pleasure?
I've got a date.
And our girl is back in the game!
It's it's just a Zoom date -
which is a good thing, because
it's been a long time since
..I've done, uh, um sex.
And But it's also a bad thing
'cause it's a long time
since I've done sex. Ugh.
Yeah, well, can have
heaps of fun onscreen.
Yeah. Like a little mastur-date.
Or a screen queen.
A what what?
Oh, it's when he puts his face
right up to the screen
and then you put your pelvis
right up to the screen
and you move back and forth
like this.
Yeah, yeah. OK. Put it away.
And there goes my corona boner.
It's just a
Um
..helpful little demonstration.
I think I'll just start
with some awkward small talk.
Is this the first date since?
Mm.
Oh, Fuckface fucked off
with Fuckface? Yes.
Well there's egg
all over that fuckface,
because you are looking fierce.
OK. Um, should I go jacket on, or
..jacket off?
Hmm.
Little nakey, but I kinda like it.
Yeah. Keep jacket on
and then, when you wanna
take things up a notch, jacket off.
OK. Got it.
So, who is this lucky person?
Um, his name's Alan,
and he's a vet, and he's
..HOT.
Like, I thought he was
really out of my league,
but he responded to my messages
like, straightaway.
OK. Well, I would like
to vet this vet.
Oh, my God, yes. Pics, please.
Oh. Um, I've only got one.
Let's see it.
Oh! He's fully hot.
And the corona boner returns!
That vet could put a collar on me
and stick his finger
RIGHT up my bum.
No, is someone else getting
major catfish energy?
Catfish energy?
He loves eating rubbish in rivers.
Yeah, yeah.
It's someone who pretends
to be someone else online.
Yeah. They post a photo,
a hot photo, that isn't them,
and then they don't show up
or they hide their face.
Oh, God. You didn't give him
any money, did you?
Uh, yeah. Just all my bank details.
No, I'm serious! Iz!
No-one is this hot!
God. Not Especially
someone called Alan.
Yeah. Has there ever been
a hot Alan?
Oh, Alan Rickman.
Too dead.
Alain de Botton?
Too bald.
(GASPS) Alan Alda!
Yeah.
Ugh! Too old!
No. Alan Alda is certified Hot Alan.
Mm-hm.
OK, anyone who thinks Alan Alda
is hot SHOULD be certified.
OK, well, I have found
the one hot Alan.
(CHUCKLES)
OK.
So, I just did a reverse
image search of this "Alan's" photo.
Nothing.
But that that's a good thing,
though, right?
No. It is a bad thing. OK?
What kind of weird
30-something-year-old
has no social media presence?
This is textbook catfish, babe.
Yeah, but what if he's not,
and then I miss out on
..Hot Alan?
Sorry - risk outweighs reward.
No, no, no. Just ask him
to swing by the bar
and if he's a catfish,
Sophie will catch him.
Yes. And I will gut him
and I will scale him.
Mm-hm.
And if he's not, we shall be charming
friends and make you look great,
and then you can go off and do a sex.
OK. How about
"Hey, Alan, wanna swing by the bar?"
Perfect.
Very casual.
OK.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh my God. What is this?
What?
SONG: I'm feeling mighty fine
This.
And I'm sipping my juice box ♪
OK. MaydayMaya, huh?
That'll werk!
(CHUCKLES)
Does Rob let Maya post online?
Uh I may have taught her
how to TikTok dance.
Someone's trying to be the cool mum.
OK, she just posted this now.
How do I get her to go to sleep?
Huh. Have you tried
a sleepy-time drink?
Sounds kinda illegal. (CHUCKLES)
No, like warm milk
or cocoa or herbal tea.
And stay calm, because
kids, they can sense fear
and they exploit it.
I will not be exploited. (CHUCKLES)
(PHONE CHIMES)
Oh!
Alan's coming!
(ALL GASP)
Yes! I cannot wait to meet "Alan".
Yeah, OK, I can't miss this.
I'm gonna go put her to sleep
and I'm gonna come straight back.
Yeah?
OK. Good luck, babe.
Stay strong.
No retreat, no surrender.
(SIGHS)
Oh, the wine! (GRUNTS)
My sleepy-time drink.
If systematic oppression
doesn't kill you,
the shitty Centrelink
hold music will.
(CHUCKLES)
She's out like a light.
Oh. That was quick.
I told her she could watch
Dirty Dancing in the morning.
What? Dirty Dancing?
Isn't she eight?
It's her favourite film.
Well, since when?
Since I showed it to her.
Uh, rookie mistake, girlfriend.
You never negotiate with a child.
I am teaching her
important bargaining skills.
You're bribing her.
Incentivising.
It's your funeral.
OK, we just have
different parenting styles.
Yeah. And Maddie's style
is not being a parent.
(LAUGHS)
Why can't kids just stay up?
In my family, it didn't matter
what time we went to bed.
Yeah, but kids need
a regular sleep routine.
Ah. And where'd you learn that -
white-arse mothers' group?
Ha-ha!
Ho-ho!
(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)
Actually, speaking of, um of kids,
can no-one mention Arlo to Alan?
I just I didn't put him
in my profile
because I didn't wanna
freak anyone out.
That is totally fair.
That's a second-date reveal.
But maybe you wanna remove
Llamy and Giraffey
from the back of your bed?
Oh!
(SIGHS)
(COMPUTER PINGS)
ALAN: Hello? Isabel?
Can you hear me?
I think my camera isn't working.
Oh, hey!
Um, yeah, there should be
a camera icon down the bottom.
I tried that. Sorry. It's just
probably my dodgy internet.
Yeah, something's definitely dodgy.
Sorry?
Um, so, Alan. You're a vet?
Yep. Just started my own practice.
Yeah. So, I've got this
sick catfish, and, um
Actually, you know what? I'm just
gonna log off and log back in.
Maybe that'll fix it. I'll be back.
Call Nev Schulman!
I should be the next host
of Catfish.
You just cut
that fish's head right off!
I I think he'll be back.
Oh, nah. Babe, he's not coming back.
(ALL LAUGH)
Hey. Sorry.
Um, so, you're Isabel,
and this is the group.
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
Yeah. Hi. (CHUCKLES)
Um, yeah. So, this is Maddie,
Ramsay and, um, Sophie.
And, um, who had the sick catfish?
Uh, that was Sophie. Yeah.
Oh. Is it blue, channel or flathead?
Oh. Um It's Can't remember.
Well, blue is blue, uh, channel
is grey, and flathead is mottled.
Uh, it's, uh it's grey ish.
And where did it come from?
Yeah, Soph, where did it come from?
A shop.
No, sorry - which part of Australia?
Oh, I, um Well, uh,
we'd have to ask the shop.
Actually, you know what? Just get
the fish and I can take a look.
Oh, no! He's sleeping!
Uh, really?
Um, channel catfish are nocturnal.
Oh. At my friend's house. Yeah.
Your catfish is having a sleepover
at someone else's house?
Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought
it'd be just a great idea
just for her to um, him,
to get out of the house.
You know? Gosh, he's been SO sick.
Uh, so, Alan, now you've met
my hilarious friends, um
..should we hea
uh, head off alone together?
It's OK. I know that
she thought I was a catfish.
OK, cancel that call
to Nev Schulman then.
(LAUGHS)
(CHUCKLES)
Really? You knew?
Yeah. I mean, I live on this planet.
(LAUGHS)
Uh, I'm so sorry. I think Sophie
was just looking out for me.
Yes. It's very hard
to trust people online.
It's fine.
I mean, as a group,
you need to be very careful
about who you invite in.
Mm.
Hello, friendos!
Case in point.
Dylan.
RAMSAY: The ghost who walks!
Alan, this is Dylan, Maddie's ex.
Or I mean, it was
a couple of years ago, so
When do you stop
calling someone an ex?
There should be a statute
of limitations, right?
Well, you are the lawyer, Izzy.
Oh, you're a lawyer? Amazing.
Mm. And Dylan, this is Hot Alan.
Let's just go with Alan.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
Yeah, so, the restaurant's
shut down.
And so I'm all alone
and I am as bored as fuck.
Alan, have you ever been to London?
Yeah, in my early 20s.
Um, it was a great scene.
Oh, my God.
Maddie, what is this house?
She lives on the set
of Boogie Nights now.
Gawd.
Um, it's Rob's house.
Oh, OK.
And has Rob trapped you in a whisky
commercial at the Dubai airport?
(RAMSAY SNIGGERS)
No.
He's the guy I'm isolating with.
Ah.
Right.
SOPHIE: I'm done.
Woman down!
(GROANS)
ALAN: Oh
Oh. She she's got dysautonomia.
Yeah. Solange, Beyonce's sister,
had it. And the sick Wiggle.
HAS it. Not had it.
Uh So, Alan, should we get going?
No. I'm really digging your friends.
(LAUGHS) Oh. Are you on a date?
What happened to, um, Marco?
Uh, he's dead.
Oh, shit. I am I am so
He died?
He's dead to us.
Um, yeah. No, we broke up.
A long time ago.
Yeah, right. What happened?
Oh. Um
We just wanted
wanted different things.
Yeah. And Marco really wanted
to bang his assistant.
MADDIE: Client.
Guys, I'm just gonna
go and lie down.
Um, Alan, I'm so sorry
about the catfish thing.
Feel better.
So, wait - what happened
What about Artie?
Or no. Hold on. Was it Archie?
(FAKE COUGHS) You mean
you mean Arnold.
Arnold. One of her other exes.
(CHUCKLES)
No. No. No. Your kid.
What what was his name?
Read the room, Dylan!
Oh, you've got a kid, Isabel?
Oh! Yep.
Sorry.
Oh
Yeah. Uh (SIGHS)
Um, I just didn't
I didn't put him in my, um, profile.
I didn't wanna freak anyone out
with the whole single mum thing.
Um, don't apologise.
I was raised by a single mum.
Oh. Well, um
His name's Arlo, and he's three.
Well, I think he's lucky
to have such a great mum.
(CHUCKLES) Aww, thanks. (LAUGHS)
And Alan goes from catfish
to catch of the day!
Tick.
(CHUCKLES)
(DOOR OPENS)
Shit! Maya's awake.
Maya, are you alright?
Who's Maya?
It's Maddie's nightmare.
Um, it's, uh, Rob's daughter.
What are you doing still awake?
MAYA: I wanna make another video.
(BEDSPRINGS CREAK)
And this time
I'm gonna flip off the bed.
Uh
Ugh. Don't cave in, Maddie.
OK, I'll film you doing one flip,
if you promise to go to sleep.
Deal!
Sorry - what's she doing?
Incentivising.
I I wouldn't do that
if I were you, Mads.
That's a deal with the devil.
Which one's the devil?
(MAYA GIGGLES)
(THUD!)
Maya!
(MAYA WAILS)
Maya, are you OK? Maya! Maya!
(WAILS)
It's OK, honey. It's just
a a little bit of blood.
(WAILS)
It's, um, a minor head thing.
Uh Do you know
what fixes sore heads?
(WAILS)
(CHUCKLES) Ice-cream!
OK, I would've
gone with Panadol, but
Tramadol. Better.
(MAYA WHIMPERS)
Uh, Maddie, is she OK?
Yeah, I think so. Um
OK.
Well, seriously, I wouldn't
give her ice-cream -
she'll be tweaking
like a speed freak.
(CHUCKLES FORCEDLY)
So, um, like, how how do you know
if a young kid's, like,
got a concussion?
Um Well, is she dizzy?
Is she vomiting?
Oh. Does she have blurry vision?
No, she seems fine.
She's just got a bump on her head.
Oh, bumps are actually good -
it means there's no internal damage.
Yeah. Just get some frozen peas.
OK.
Uh, how many do I feed her?
(CHUCKLES) Um, no. You just put them
on her head for a little bit.
She'll be totally fine.
RECORDING: Your call is important
RAMSAY: Motherfucker!
Sorry?
Centrelink just told me my call was
important to them for like the
So, we've been up all night
and at this point
we're, like, off our dials
and Dylan makes us go up on
the roof to check the sunrise.
(LAUGHS)
I didn't MAKE you do anything.
No, you did.
And we get up there,
and two minutes later, right -
crash!
- We fall through the frickin' roof.
We're Like,
we're in the kitchen now.
There's, like, plaster,
roof tiles, everywhere.
And two minutes later,
Dylan's like
"Do you reckon
we'll get our bond back?"
Yeah. Far out.
Oh, man. I made so many
mistakes back then. Wild.
Oh, we all did, Dyldo.
That ain't cool.
I didn't mean it like that.
Have you guys always been
into the lifestyle?
Well
Uh, well, I
Yeah, we've been friends
for a long time
and we used to
party and stuff, yeah.
But you always come back
to the group.
Yeah.
Yeah. I've been overseas
for a while, but yes.
Yeah, Dylan abandoned us
a couple of years ago. (CHUCKLES)
So, uh, Alan, do you want to?
Wow! Isabel.
Quite the, uh, wardrobe change.
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
Yeah, I just thought it was time
to jacket off. (CHUCKLES)
Oh. Jack it off?
Yeah.
Jacket off!
(CHUCKLES)
(CHUCKLES)
Right now?
Yeah, right now. (CHUCKLES)
And what about all your friends?
Oh, don't mind us.
Yep. I think they're really into it.
Oh, I would not go
I wouldn't go that far.
OK. Um, so, let's go. (CHUCKLES)
Yep. I (UNZIPS FLY)
(BELT RATTLES)
Yeah.
Uh, are you are you coming, Alan?
Oh. Yeah. Um
Just just give me a moment.
OK.
(RHYTHMIC RUBBING)
(SIGHS)
Oh
Mmm. (CHUCKLES)
(CHUCKLES)
Um, what are what are
What are you doing?
Mmm.
MADDIE: Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
This has made my morning!
(LAUGHS) Looks like someone else
has a corona boner!
MADDIE: Oh, my God!
Fuck me!
Yeah, I'd love to.
Mm!
Oh, perfect timing, Soph!
Um Sorry, Alan.
What what the fuck are you doing?
(DYLAN LAUGHS)
(SOPHIE CHUCKLES)
What's wrong?
Um, a few things.
(DYLAN CHUCKLES)
I thought you said
you were down to play.
Down to play?
Uh into group sex?
Uh, not that. Not that.
What did you think this was?
You texted and said,
"Swing by and meet my friends".
Oh (STAMMERS)
Maddie told me to write that!
I didn't know he was a sex pest!
Hey! No kink-shaming in the bar.
Se sex pest?!
We met on Lifestyle Lovers,
and you ticked 'indoor sports'.
Yeah. I play indoor soccer.
'Indoor sports' means
having sex with lots of people.
(RAMSAY AND DYLAN LAUGH)
Oh I am I am so sorry.
The online dating thing -
it's really new to me.
Um, this is this is all wrong.
Just, like, complete shambles.
I should just go. Uh
DYLAN: God! (LAUGHS)
So, uh
..your profile didn't say
you had a kid,
but you DID say
you're into group sex.
Oh, my God. So, wait.
Oh, boo.
So this means that
You catfished Alan.
Oh, my God.
No. Babe. Babe.
It was your first date.
And everyone knows the first pancake
is always the worst pancake.
Yeah, although most pancakes
don't wank off in front
of all the other pancakes.
(OTHERS LAUGH)
OK, I'm just
I think I I gotta go and, like,
have a shower, or cry, or, like
..I think I've gotta go
cry in the shower.
I'm gonna go.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna go too.
I think the night's reached
its, um
Climax?
Yeah, natural conclusion. Bye.
(LAUGHS)
Whew!
(SIGHS THEATRICALLY)
That was wild.
Ah!
Not as wild as you looking after
a kid, though, Madhuri.
Well, she had three years
of looking after you.
Uh, I'm not having a go.
It's just, um you always said
you never wanted to have a kid.
I don't.
I didn't. I
Who does?
I'd love a little Ram-Ram.
Yeah. Uh, you said that kids
were "life-sucking parasites".
I don't know what you're
trying to say, Dylan.
No, it's just that you never said
that you'd moved in with Rob.
Or that you have a kid.
I don't have a kid - I'm looking
after someone else's kid.
Why do you even care?
(PHONE LINE RINGS)
Oh! My God! It's ringing!
It just comes as a surprise that
Certainly after all the
..you know, the the messages
you sent the other night.
Oh, all those messages
that you didn't respond to?
Yeah. Well, obviously, there's
a lot going on at the moment,
and this whole corona thing
has, like
..like, thrown me.
(CHUCKLES) You know,
only you could make
a global pandemic just about you.
Yeah, OK. It's, uh
It's complicated, OK?
(TUTS)
It's always complicated with you,
isn't it, Dylan?
(SIGHS) Well
Who's Dylan?
Uh no-one, darling.
Go back to sleep.
What's on her head?
Uh frozen chips.
I couldn't find any peas.
(LAUGHS)
Fuck!
Fucking Centrelink fucks
cut me the fuck off!
OK, darling, um, I think you need
to just, uh, log off now.
Just just Yes.
Just put the phone away.
No.
Uh, please don't make me
come in there.
I want Dad to put me to sleep.
I know, honey, but daddy's
not here right now.
Uh, Maya, would you like to see
a a magic trick?
OK. So, if I do a magic trick,
do you promise to go to sleep?
Promise.
You promise?
Promise!
OK.
Good. Alright.
Wait - where where's it gone?
Wait. Hang on a sec.
Um, could could I please
have a look at your your ear?
Could you just quickly
come to the screen?
There Wait.
It was here the whole time.
It was just
It was behind your ear.
(CHUCKLES) OK.
Time for sleep.
Sleep beautifully,
and nighty noodles.
Ladies and gentleman,
the amazing Dylan Copperfield!
If only he could
make himself disappear.
Oh, come on. That was pretty good.
Hey, Maddie.
Hey!
How was the night?
Oh, it was pretty quiet, actually.
Everything OK with Maya?
Yeah. She woke up, but
I got her to go back to sleep.
Really?
She's never let anyone put her
to sleep except me or her mum.
How'd you do it?
Um
Ma magic. (CHUCKLES)
Well, I think you're pretty magical.
Yeah.
Yeah, she is.
Um
(PACKET RUSTLES)
Why has Maya got a pack of chips
strapped to her head?
(SNORTS)
Pay up, pay up,
'cause I earned it
If you don't make sense
then you pretty worthless
Yeah, I got a gala
And a dream with the circuit
Used to wait tables
Now I give better service
Don't know what to do,
so I think I got you shook
I'm lookin' so good
That I wish a would
Drip, drip, drop,
drip, drip, drip, drop
Party's goin' pop
till the caps come out
One, two, three, four
Five, six shots
Hands in the air
Like you listenin' to rock. ♪