Rev. (2010) s01e03 Episode Script

Oh, for God's sake.
Can you put that down, please? Can you, you've picked up a hearse and we're trying to bury somebody.
TOILET FLUSHES Oh, hello, Mrs Vicarage.
I've, erm, I've made a brew if you fancy? Erm, how did you get in, Colin? Your back door was open.
You want to watch that.
There's none left.
Oh, I'll make another pot.
Oh, ta.
Also, you're out of milk and bread, and them nice cornflakes with all the nuts and gubbins on.
Sorry, Colin, why are you here? I just wanted to make sure that Adam got to prayers on time today, because he was late last week, which was bad of him.
Well, it's been shitting kittens out there, so I thought I'd pop in for a brew.
Yes, as I said to 15 of your colleagues yesterday, what sort of council clamps a hearse? No, I don't want to look on your website.
Colin, hello.
Yeah, I was just saying that your back door was open, so I thought I'd make Alex a cuppa.
Oh.
OK, that's nice of you.
Colin, if you're coming to morning prayer, we should go soon.
Yeah, I should get on, now I've had my morning dump.
I'll just get your blanket off the couch.
Did he sleep here? No, I don't think so, did he? I'll ask him.
But where's all the bread? It's in Colin's tummy with my cornflakes.
Oh, now I'm going to see Faiza at the office today so can I say yes, she can use the church for her Koran classes? Remind me.
I told you.
She wants to use your church for her children's Koranic classes.
They've lost the community centre they were using, so And she's happy to use a church to teach the Koran? Yes, Faiza's happy.
Are you happy? Yes, I am, obviously.
Erm, I just worry about other people, like Colin, with prejudices.
What prejudices have I got? I haven't got any.
Apart from hating Man City.
What do you think about Muslims, Colin? Erm, I like the idea of having loads of wives.
That's one of theirs, isn't it? They wear all those black sheets, don't they, the women? The burka, yes, some of them do, Colin, a minority, I think.
They look like, erm religious ninjas.
Do you think they're sexy under there? I think the whole point of wearing them, Colin, is probably to avoid exactly that question.
I think it makes them mysterious.
Which is sexy.
Right, well can I suggest you avoid saying that to them, OK, because they might be offended.
I'm only a partial fan of explicit nudity.
I tell you what the burka is good for, though.
Armed robbery.
Scouse Tony's got three mates who done the Paddy betting shop on Park Street.
They dressed entirely in those sheets, but with shotguns underneath.
You've got to question why a bookie thought three fat Muslim women wanted to put some money on the 4.
15 at Chepstow.
Maybe you should do a Call to Prayers, Vicarage, like Muslims.
You could stand outside and go "hi-da"! Be quiet now, please, Colin.
Let's say a Christian prayer instead.
Oh, Lord, open our lips.
And our mouths shall proclaim your praise.
Glory be to God and the Holy Son I got dripped on! I'm getting dripped on.
I'm also experiencing a little dampness.
It's China.
Is it? Yes, there's a lead theft epidemic going on because of the demand from China.
Our insurers had to pay out nine million last year, would you believe? It seems likely this gang were interrupted.
We've only lost some of our roof, thankfully.
Well, if you do decide to make a claim with our insurers, I'm afraid you're going to have to join the queue.
They've even hit the Mine Shaft in town.
What's that? It's a men's day spa on Bond Street.
What's wrong with the world where people are actually prepared to steal from a church? Or a good day spa.
I know.
Since you're here, Archdeacon, I wanted you to know that I've decided to let a Muslim children's group use the church on Saturdays.
Ooh, how exciting you are.
Yes.
Why have you done it? Erm, it's something I've been keen to do for a while.
There's a flourishing Muslim community here and I've wanted to engage in, erm, an interfaith dialogue.
I feel there's a forest of prejudice out there.
A forest? Are you sure about that, Adam? Of course I do see a few shrubberies of prejudice here and there, or perhaps you think I'm hiding in my log cabin of denial? Will they pay? Yes.
Fine, good.
Get as much off them as you can.
I'm sure you'll have a lovely time.
In my experience, Muslims like men in cassocks.
They can relate.
Ooh, I'm all dizzy now.
Oh.
Archdeacon Robert, if you ever have any spare time I would love to talk to you about Corinthians 7 and whether you think an unbeliever is sanctified by marriage to a believer.
I never have any spare time, Nigel.
Colin, what are you doing up there? I'm going to do an armed vigil, in case the thieves return.
If those bastards come back, they'll have to get past me and my shovel of justice.
You're going to let Muslims use the church.
Isn't that very incendiary of you, Adam? No.
It might be a hot bed for radicals.
Don't be stupid, Nigel, that's just ignorant.
These are prayer classes for children.
I don't think that but I think some other people might think it.
Some other people like you.
My nephew Tony, he says that Muslims are terrorists who want to bring down Western civilisation.
He's in the Army.
Well, I'm sure if you're on active service in Afghanistan that might well feel true.
He's in Aldershot.
Why can't they go somewhere else, eh? This is the Lord's church, it's not Harrods.
With church numbers in crisis, you are welcoming in the very people whose expansion threatens our church.
No, they don't.
Faiza is British.
If people aren't coming to the church, it's because we're not engaging with the community.
It's not because they've all suddenly become Muslims.
I'm ending this discussion now.
Why? Have you got to get to the Mosque?! Adam, there's something I need to show you.
Colin has been sleeping in the church.
Oh.
Let's clear it up, quick as we can.
Is that a potty? Oh, he's filled it.
OK, you do that.
I'll do these beer tins.
I don't think so.
I'll do the beer tins, it's your church.
Thank you, Nigel.
Mind that dog poo.
Hello, you must be Faiza? Yes, you must be Reverend Smallbone.
Adam, yes.
How lovely to meet you.
I'm so pleased you feel you can use the church for these classes.
Is that a potty you're holding, Reverend? Yes, it is.
It's not mine.
Let me just dump it.
Erm, Nigel, this is Faiza.
I'm so pleased you feel able to use our church for this.
We don't have a problem with it at all.
Yes, well, we did worry that you might think we'd all turn out to be fundamentalists in niqabs, trying to radicalise our children and teach them to build bombs and destroy the West.
THEY LAUGH GUILTILY No, of course not.
We didn't think that.
I'm from Suffolk.
Well, anyway Hello, come in, come in.
This our teacher today, Khadijah.
Hello.
Pleased to meet you.
Well, erm, there's a classroom area which we've assembled over here.
If you'd like to go and see.
I hope you find it's appropriate to your requirements.
Ah, now, come away from that, you leave that alone.
Wait till lunch.
GIRL READS IN ARABIC Perfect, now you try.
Look how comfortable they are with their religion.
It's because Islam's so woven into their every day lives, whereas for our lot it's just something you do on Sundays if you can be bothered.
Christian kids are all in the pub taking drugs cos that's more fun than listening to one of your sermons.
Ha ha, Nigel.
Maybe if other people had a grasp of these values, our roof wouldn't be halfway to Beijing.
Thank you for coming, Faiza, it was a real privilege to be part of this.
It was inspiring.
Al-Hamdu Lillah.
There is a great history of Christians helping out Muslims, of course.
Yes, and we'd be very wise not to forget that.
I'm not sure that's an appropriate magazine to have in a church, is it, Reverend, with little ones around? No, of course not.
It's not mine.
Obviously, it belongs to a man called Colin, who's left it.
I'm sorry, it must be very offensive to you as a Muslim, well to you as a woman anyway, of course, but obviously additionally also offensive to you as a Muslim woman.
One of my uncles earns a packet selling magazines like that in his shop.
Does he? Good.
I mean, erm Yes, but we are taught to believe that it's wrong for women to use their bodies for personal gain.
Yes, I quite agree, I think so too.
I certainly don't allow things like that in my church.
Adam, if you want to borrow me jazz mag, just ask.
Hello, love.
Now, any questions about the story I was telling you last week? How come's Mary was a virgin when she gave birth, Sir? Well, that's what's so miraculous and marvellous about it.
Does that mean God did it to her, Sir? Sir, Sir, what's a virgin? Are you a virgin, Sir? No, no, I'm not.
Is Miss your girlfriend, Sir? Thank you, Ewan, that's enough.
Is there a competition today to be Britain's most obnoxious child? Do you fancy Miss, Sir? No, he does not.
Ewan and Chloe, stay behind after assembly, please.
He does.
You do, Sir, don't you, Sir? No, I do not fancy Miss Pattman and I will not have her disrespected in this way.
Sex, whether it is between me and Miss Pattman or anyone else, is a beautiful thing and should not be mocked like this.
We weren't like that when we were 11, were we? I wasn't.
I suspect you might have been.
They're all inappropriately sexualised for their age.
Yes, but how you spoke to Chloe isn't really acceptable, Adam.
Although I was a tiny bit upset you told the whole school that you don't fancy me! Oh, look there's a planning notice.
What's going on here? Oh, it's some bar and restaurant.
Didn't I mention it at the Parent Governor's Meeting? No, I don't think so.
Cheeky's Gentlemen's Bar and Grill.
Is that what I suspect it is? Yes, probably, a gentlemen's club for gentlemen.
That's a strip club, isn't it? Well, I'm sure it's not going to be open during the day.
That's not good enough, Ellie.
A strip club is not appropriate opposite a school.
What sort of example does that set your young girls? They certainly shouldn't be encouraged to use their bodies for personal gain.
No, not if you put it like that.
And you don't want drunk men hanging around outside the school gates with erections.
Not if they should be inside teaching geography.
We're going to join forces and oppose the planning application because the club is not appropriate in that location.
I'm just worried you're going to look judgemental, when you're not.
I want to be judgemental for once.
I'm fed up with business and money dominating everyone's lives.
That's what I'm opposing with this.
People look to me for moral judgement, don't they? Ellie's asked me to visit one of these clubs with her.
Oh, right, vicar in a strip club, whose idea was that? DOORBELL BUZZES Her idea.
Your friend Faiza wouldn't put up with it, would she? Oh, it's you again.
Bye.
Bye, darling.
Bye.
Yeah, right, yeah, Vicar, see what it is, yeah, see what it is, yeah, my mum's in hospital in Southend.
She's had erm, an incident, no, hysterectomy, yeah.
Poor thing, man.
I thought your mum had died? You came here last week, you needed money to identify her body.
Do you remember? Erm, erm, right, yeah, I've run out of petrol and will you give me some money so I can fill this? What? No.
Well, will you lend me 25 quid then? No, I won't.
You've got to.
Someone's left a mark saying you will.
What? See, that means soft touch for cash, yeah? And that means you can buy crack in them flats.
I assume you know this, Vicar.
What does that mean? Some kids lost its glove and someone's picked it up and put it on a gate.
Colin, do you know what some trainers hung over a street lamp indicates? Yeah, that means, erm, you can have sex in the church.
No, it means drugs.
No, it means gay sex with a drug addict in the church, yeah, that's it.
Get so confused, there's that many different signs.
Are you going to disapprove of that too? Like the prostitutes opposite the school.
They're not prostitutes, Colin, it's a lap dancing club and I'm just opposing a planning notice, that's all.
Those poor girls, smuggled in from exotic places to sell their fannies for cash just because they want to become lawyers.
Disgusting.
Mind you, I do love it when they bend over and wiggle their beautiful bums in your face.
Sign up against the filth.
Stop the filth.
Will you sign our petition to stop the filth? Sign up against the filth, stop the filth.
Stephen, you've got girls at the school.
Do you want to sign our petition against the proposed lap dancing club opposite? Don't let them rape our children's minds.
Yes, absolutely.
Well done.
Quite right.
Yeah.
I'm glad somebody's making a stand.
Have a lovely Sunday.
Where is this petition to sign? I will fight against the paedophiles.
Adoha, it's a petition opposing a bar that might open opposite the school.
A bar for paedophiles? No, just a bar and dance club.
Owned by a paedophile? No, it's owned by an American company, I think.
Run by paedophiles? I'm sorry to disappoint you, there are no paedophiles, it's just a nightclub.
A nightclub? For gentlemen, with naked women.
Tell me about your campaign.
I'm going to write a stiff letter to the Bishop.
Softly, softly is the best approach.
Adam, we must fight.
Fight this evil, fight the paedophiles.
PHONE RINGS Hello Colin? I see, what have you done? OK, sit tight and don't talk to the police until I get there.
What's going on? The good new is that Colin caught the lead thief at the church.
The bad news is that Colin caught the lead thief at the church and he's been arrested for ABH with a wheelie bin.
Oh.
Apparently you told him to call me if anything like this ever happened.
Did I? Yes.
Thanks for that.
We don't want to appear to be too forbidding, Adam.
Always goes down very badly.
People hate it.
It's OK, I know.
Heaven forbid we ever mention the idea of hell or sin at church, because it just sends everybody fleeing.
I'm fed up with the church in London being like some affable club that forgives everything and is terrified to take a moral stand.
Do you take milk? No.
Although Jesus did used to consort with the prostitutes, didn't he? These aren't prostitutes.
This is a lap dancing club.
I'm striving to build a kingdom on Earth, aren't I? Isn't that my role? You're striving, are you? Where did this striving idea come from, your Muslim friends? Do you know what the Arabic for strive is, Adam? Jihad.
Oh.
So are you on some sort of sex Jihad, Adam? No.
Because God is not opposed to sex.
I know, I'm not saying he is.
I'm afraid that there's no way the Bishop is going to stick his neck out for cheeky girls.
He's in enough trouble as it is due to his having tea with that lesbian bishop, so, please, will you tell Nigel to stop writing to him, and bog off? Yes.
Thanks for the coffee.
Have you even been to one of these clubs, Adam, and do you even know what it is you're opposing? Actually, I'm going to one tomorrow to find out.
Are you indeed? With the headmistress, to help her out.
It was her idea.
Is that the lead thief in the bin? Yes, that's the "victim", as we now call him.
Apparently Colin slammed it into the wall 19 times before the police turned up.
It'll be a miracle if I get him off tomorrow.
The magistrate he's got is a dragon.
Right, good luck with that.
And even if I do get him off tomorrow, he's got more problems because apparently the victim is a member of quite a nasty gang and they know where he lives.
Dear Lord, I haven't got long but can I ask you to offer some protection to Colin? I know he's testing, but I'm worried he may be about to get a kicking from this lead gang and he was only trying to do good, in his own way.
And can I thank you for bringing Faiza and the Muslims into my church? Or is it wrong of me to do that? Was their arrival down to you? And why was I holding a jazz mag? Is this all heresy? I'm not sure, but I found their clear moral values inspiring and it's given me some sort of certainty for once and I like that feeling.
And please give me strength for my trip to Cheeky's and what I'm about to confront.
Hello, Adam.
I'm here for our evening of sex and nudity.
Ain't gonna be nobody's baby Let's not stay too long, Ellie.
I just need some ammunition for the planning meeting, so I know what level of outrage I can take it up to.
Yes, we'll just get a feel for it.
Uh-huh.
Hello, Rod Sellix, Group MD, welcome.
Hello, I'm Ellie Pattman, this is the Reverend Smallbone.
Hi, so you're a real vicar? Yes, yes, yes.
People are wrong about the church, aren't they? It's not just run by uptight goody-goodies.
Let me show you to a table, hmm? Thanks, babe.
Hello, Adam.
Hello, Stephen, how are you? Yeah, good, thank you.
Erm, you know Ellie, of course, your headmistress.
Ah, Ellie, hello.
Hello, Stephen.
I'm looking forward to sports day.
How are your two girls? Well, they were, erm, you know! I meant your daughters.
Yes, of course, erm, well, they're very good and erm, well, they love it at your place so, erm It's great to see you both.
Erm, I should get back to them.
My daughters, not erm See you at church on Sunday? Yes.
Lovely chap, comes in regularly.
Now, there's a bottle of fizz coming, on the house I know why you're here.
You're the ones opposing our new site, right? Yes.
Yes.
Don't worry because I'm going to withdraw the planning application.
Really? Yeah.
I don't want to upset people, I don't want unhappy locals, it doesn't do me any good.
Really, you mean it? Yes, yes, I promise.
I mean it, so please relax.
Enjoy yourselves.
Fantastic.
Got a mountain of admin to plough through.
Well, that's a shame because, look, here's our free champagne.
We were right to oppose this place, weren't we? It is a disgrace, isn't it? Do you think? Is it? It is, isn't it? No, it's not good.
Gosh, she is very pretty.
Yes, she's a very good-looking girl, but quite a hard face.
Yes, a hard face.
They've all got such amazing knickers and bras, they must spend a fortune.
Really? Mm.
How much do these sort of knickers cost? Do you wear this? Hello, Miss.
It's Miss Pattman, isn't it? How are you? Do you remember me, Leanne Johnson? You taught me English at St Declan's.
Oh, Leanne, yes, hello.
Lovely to, erm, see you.
Is this your fella? No, no, he's my vicar.
Oh.
Hello, Vicar.
Hello, Leanne.
You always said I'd never get anywhere in life.
Look at me now.
I earn a packet in here.
It's paid for all my accountancy training, and my boyfriend's a footballer, so Well done, Leanne, I'm very pleased to hear all that.
Yes, well done, Leanne, that's very good.
If you fancy a little dancelet me know.
Sign our petition.
Sign our petition and stop the filth.
Yes, stop the filth.
Cheeky Girls, get them out.
Hello, Nigel.
Hello, Adoha, good evening, Mary.
How is the campaign going? If they shit on my doorstep, Adam, I shall shit on theirs.
Actually, great news, Adoha, no shitting is required.
Hello.
Hello, Faiza.
Hello.
What are you two up to? What time do you call this then, Mr Vicar? How was the sex club? Oh, it was interesting.
Erm, I mean awful, really.
But the great news is we've won.
Did you enjoy yourself? No, no.
No, not at all.
Erm, no, it was embarrassing, actually.
There was this girl up on stage doing, you know, all this and, erm, she turned out to be one of Ellie's former pupils, which was sad, really.
Very sad to have to watch that.
Hello? Hello? It's It's Khadijah, isn't it? I'm delighted you feel able to come and sit here in thought.
It's very pleasing for me.
I hope I'm not disturbing you.
It's me, Vicarage.
Colin! What on earth are you doing? I've got to keep a low profile because of this lead gang.
This is the perfect way to hide.
No, it's not right.
Find another way to hide.
Well, the gang might get me.
No, they won't.
This is completely, profoundly, distressingly offensive, Colin.
Do something else.
Grow a beard, wear a hat, get an eye patch.
Dress like a pirate? I don't care, you can't do this.
Very pleased Alex got you off, though.
Alex is a genius, isn't she? No wonder you love her.
She told that scary woman judge that it would be wrong to fine me because there's no way I'd ever be able to pay and it'd just cause more chaos, and if they stuck me in prison it'd turn me into a criminal.
Next time I do something wrong, I'm going to ring Alex up straight away.
She'll be delighted to hear that, Colin.
Now that the lead thief's been caught, thanks to you, could you move your bed out of the church because it's actually starting to smell? Do I have to? I like sleeping here.
I have really nice dreams.
Come on.
Got any ciggies, Colin? Yeah.
Hey, we've done all right, haven't we? I've seen off the lead thieves and you've beaten the pervs.
So the sex club won't be opposite the school anymore.
The Christian forces of morality have crushed the forces of evil and prostitution.
Yeah, isn't that terrific.
Well done, us.