Rings on Their Fingers (1978) s01e03 Episode Script

1 Oh, God.
Graham said he was dreading seeing me get married tomorrow.
- He's just jealous.
- Why should he be jealous? He's living happily with Barbara, just like we've been happily living together, until you suddenly decided to Why is he dreading seeing you getting married tomorrow? He's said he's very sensitive.
He says he can't look at a live turkey, without imagining it plucked and trussed.
Just as well you're spending the night with Edgar, then, isn't it? What, because he's married? He wasn't much consolation, either.
Do you know what he said? I don't want to hear anything silly.
He said, "United we stand, divided, we'd have a better time, but it's more expensive.
" Oh, all right.
I don't know why you wanted to go into the office the day before your wedding.
Because of the chaos here.
You and your mother and the telephone.
It was like the countdown to a NASA space launch.
Well, I think I've packed everything.
Come and look.
Now don't you have a late night tonight, Oliver Pryde.
You've got a very busy day ahead of you tomorrow.
- I don't know why you wanted a hen party.
- Stag party.
- Yes, well - That's its attraction.
The absence of hens.
I thought it would have been nice to spend the evening with your parents.
- Mum's coming round here.
- Is she really? That does make it novelty night.
Well, I think you've got everything for tomorrow.
Suit.
Shirt.
Shoes.
Spongebag.
Tie.
Anyway, have a look.
See if I've forgotten anything.
- Yes, you have.
- What? That slim volume of sex instruction by Marie Stopes.
Now, Oliver.
Or was that an extra wedding present from your mother? My parents have been very generous with their wedding presents, considering the contributions that they have made to this flat over the last six years.
I don't know how we managed without that lacy pink thing over the spare loo roll.
Oh, for heaven's sake! Everyone has a touch of cold feet and I'm not referring to having to sleep on the camp bed.
- First night nerves.
- First night? Official first night.
Six years of "in preview".
Well, this time tomorrow it'll all be over.
Don't make it sound like an operation.
- It's a military one, with your mother in charge.
- Now, Oliver.
I'm sorry.
What about a a drink, hm? - I don't think so.
- And I'll put on a special record.
- All right, then.
I'll get the drinks.
- OK.
Cocktail jazz Milk? It is very good for the stomach lining.
- Can't I have a slug of Scotch in it? - Uh-uh.
Well, I just hope this cow grazed in a hop field.
- To tomorrow, darling.
- Tomorrow.
God help the first person who says, "May all your troubles be little ones.
" Eh, we didn't drink milk the first time I played you that.
Let's pretend it's six years ago.
Why? Because we'd have six super years ahead of us.
We've got super years ahead of us now, haven't we? - Tomorrow isn't going to change anything.
- Isn't it? - No.
- Then why are we doing it? - Oh, Oliver.
- (Door bell) - That'll be Mum.
- That didn't happen six years ago.
Excuse me, Oliver.
One more kiss? - Mum is waiting outside.
- I can hear her new hairdo rustling.
- Come on.
- Just ten seconds more.
Oh, honestly.
This is the last time we shall be alone together for 24 hours.
Mm.
- There.
Will that keep you going? - That and my glass of milk.
(Door bell) What does she do next? Kick the door in? Please be nice to her, Oliver.
Well, of course.
From tomorrow, we're related.
- There you are, dear.
- Hello, Mum.
I was beginning to wonder what was happening.
We were having a snog.
- I thought you were going out, Oliver.
- He is.
His case is all packed.
I just can't find my Marie Stopes.
- Sit down, Mum.
- Thank you, dear.
- I like your hair.
- Ah, do you, darling? Seems a pity to plonk a hat on it.
We don't want to keep you, do we, Sandra? No.
He's just going.
Would you like a drink? - Thank you, darling.
- Here.
I've hardly touched this.
- I beg your pardon? - I'll put it in a clean glass.
- Milk? - Yeah, we've given up the hard stuff.
Well, I haven't.
I'd like a glass of sherry, please, Oliver.
I'll get that for you, Mum.
- There.
Everything you need for tomorrow.
- Except you.
Good night, Mrs Bennett.
- Tomorrow, you'll be able to call her "Mother".
- I doubt it.
I've already got one.
Good night, Oliver.
Sweet dreams.
And go easy on the sherry.
- See you tomorrow, darling.
- Yes, well, I'll try to make it.
- Sandra? - Yes? - I'm still waiting for my sherry, dear.
- Oh, sorry, Mum.
And I'm so glad that Oliver has renounced temptation.
Go on.
Listen, listen, listen.
So, anyway, the doctor says to the pregnant lady, "I wouldn't worry about the birth, Mrs Smith, you'll be in roughly the same sort of position you were in when you conceived.
" "Good heavens! You mean, bent double in the back seat of a Volkswagen with my feet stuck out of the window?" I must tell that to Maggie.
Maggie? Well, no, no, no.
She wouldn't appreciate it, would she? Your wife? No, she wouldn't.
Didn't you say she spelt sex with a ps? - Oh, I must say it's good to be let off the leash.
- Leash? Well, let out on your own.
A night with the boys.
People ought to get married more often.
- Don't you often go out, then? - Well, not on my own, do I? To the pub.
- She always wants to come, too.
- What's wrong with that? Nothing wrong with it at all, old lad.
Now, then, whose round is it? Peter? No, no.
I know exactly how much I spent.
I had to dip into the housekeeping.
Didn't you tell Joan it was for Oliver's last night of freedom? After what happened at my brother's stag night? She'd have pulled up the drawbridge.
No, I said a few of us in the office were taking it in turns to exercise a dog belonging to a mate who's on holiday and I said I wanted to buy it some Chunky Lumps! That's a good one, Pete.
Well, it certainly works when you've got a wife who's more interested in animals than people.
I told my wife I was working late at the office, because the computer had fused and we had to do our own calculations.
Genius.
Sheer genius.
A damn computer is supposed to replace humans, isn't it? Well, tonight, it's replaced one human having a boring evening at home with his wife.
Listen, I've never had to tell Sandy a lie in my life.
- Yes, but you weren't married to her, Oliver.
- Married, no.
- There's no new line in the marriage service.
- What line? "Dost thou take this woman to be thy lawful wedded lie-detector?" - All of you are happy to be away from home? ALL: Yeah.
Happy to be away from your wives? I tell you this.
I'd give anything to be with Sandy right now.
Anything.
Have no fear, Victor's here! - (Cheering) - So sorry I'm late, Oliver.
- No, that's OK.
- I have a marvellous excuse.
- You don't need an excuse.
You're divorced.
- Not quite, Edgar.
Not quite.
When I saw Oliver in the office this morning, I was consumed with thoughts of romance.
No, no, really.
I mean, you and Sandy tying the knot, just as Veronica and I did so many years ago and I went to see her.
And, Oliver, bless you, Oliver, we are reconciled.
- You and your wife? - Mm.
- Barman, the largest Scotch you've got! - Just in time, then.
- What? - Just before the divorce.
Oh, yes, yes, but we're letting the divorce go through.
Then we're going to live together.
Well, bye-bye.
Thank you very much indeed.
- Come on! - I want to go there.
All right.
- Where are we going to go, Pete? - Round the corner.
(Glasses clink, cash register rings) No, no, we're going No, come on! We've got to - You pay.
- No, it's your round.
This is for the taxi.
Oh, sorry.
Er Er sorry.
- 95.
- Cheap at the price.
A smooth ride, eh? As smooth as silk.
(Slurred) Silk.
I would definitely use you again.
- I'm getting married tomorrow.
- Today.
Today.
Are you married? 15 years.
- Do you like it? - It's paradise.
That's the reason I work nights.
I see.
Well, thank you.
- 95? - 95.
Keep the change.
- What a nice chap! - Mm.
You're another nice chap, Edgar.
No, no.
Yes, yes, you have steered me through the happiest evening of my life.
It's mutual.
You are putting me up for the night.
It's a pleasure.
No, no, Edgar.
It is the act of a true friend.
Above and beyond the call of nature.
Above and beyond the what? The call of nature.
- Duty.
- What? - The call of duty.
- Duty.
What did I say? Nature.
The call of nature? - The call of nature is when you want to go to - I know! I say, you should have warned me about that step.
- Sorry.
- We won't wake Deirdre, will we? Deirdre ought to be awake.
She is your hostess for tonight.
That's what wives are for.
Oh, yes? And what exactly are wives for? Hello, darling.
- You know Oliver.
- I'm Oliver.
Ooh! A wife is not somebody you keep waiting without a phone call till one o'clock in the morning.
She's a good sort, you know.
Nor is she somebody to be woken up at 1:45 in the morning by two helpless inebriates! Her bite's worse than her bark, you know.
- Is it? - Oh, yes.
Well, I wish she'd bite me, cos her bark's going right through my head.
Would you both get off my floor? - I say.
- Hm? I say, they're not all like her, are they? Oh, no, no.
Because I'm taking the plunge tomorrow.
- The best plunge you ever took.
- Edgar! - The best plunge? - Yes.
From where I'm sitting, the water looks bloody cold.
- Show Oliver to his room.
- Yes, love.
Come on, Oliver.
- Up we go.
- OK.
He And I He doesn't know the geography of the house.
I'm a stranger.
Where's his case? What? His things for the wedding.
He's not getting married in beer stains, is he? Where's my case? What do you mean, where's your case? My suit and shoes and things.
I don't know where your case is.
I had it in the Bunch Of Grapes.
But did you have it when we left the Bunch Of Grapes? I don't know.
I think so.
Oh, God, Edgar! Now then, now then, keep your cool.
Where did we go after the Bunch Of Grapes? The Castle Keep.
I think I had it in the Castle Keep.
- The Castle Keep? - Yes, I did, I did, cos Henry tripped over it.
- Ah! Ah, so what about the next place? - What? - The White Swan.
- The White Swan? - Disgusting! - Shut up! - Can't remember.
- If you had your case in the White Swan.
Can't remember the White Swan.
Yes, it was after the Castle Keep and before the Goldsmiths Arms.
I don't remember the Goldsmiths Arms, either.
For heaven's sake! Never mind the details of your debauch, what will Oliver do tomorrow? What am I going to do tomorrow? Get married.
What, like this? The Lady and the Tramp? If you stick on a carnation, you won't look so rumpled.
I shall have to go home.
No, no.
- She'll go spare! - No, she'll be asleep.
I'll sneak in.
And back in half an hour.
Then you can play commissionaire.
- Good luck, Oliver.
- I say - Hm? - Do all girls change when they get married? No, but the men they marry do.
(Clinks) (Door creaks) Oh! - (Clattering) MRS BENNETT: Agh! You're dreaming.
Oliver.
- Oliver! - Yes, it's Oliver.
- What are you doing here? - Getting something to be married in.
- I packed your case.
- I mislaid it.
Where? Between the Castle Keep and the White Swan.
- They sound like public houses to me.
- Yeah, well, you're the expert.
I beg your pardon? I'm so sorry, darling.
I didn't mean to wake you.
Go back to bed.
- How could she sleep? - Keep quiet.
You're not official until tomorrow.
I'm not certain there's going to be a tomorrow.
- Darling - Oh, you're drunk! - Eurgh! - And look at your jacket.
These aren't all my stains.
Some of these were made by other people.
Disgusting! Deirdre said that.
It's true, then.
Marriage does change you.
First of all, you'll turn into someone like Deirdre and then, God help us, into someone like her! Oliver, will you please stop insulting my mother? No, let him go on.
Let him prove, out of his own mouth, what a terrible mistake you're making.
She's already made the biggest mistake of her life, having you for a mother! Darling Don't.
- I'll take my jacket off.
- Yes, take it off and go to bed.
- But where? - In there! Really? Oh, you can go home now.
I will be going with her, Oliver.
Sandy? Sandy? Marriage changes a person.
You've just said so.
Yes, but You've changed before you've even put the ring on my finger.
I know you didn't want to see me.
You wouldn't have known if I hadn't trodden on your mother.
It is not just tonight, Oliver.
Well, you and I have both been worried about getting married after being together for so long.
Just let me change and I'll tiptoe off and I'll give your mother a wide berth.
Hm? Hasn't it sunk in yet, Oliver? We are not going to get married.
Not going to get married? Nothing you say is going to talk me into it.
Please! You'd better ring your parents first thing in the morning and Edgar and Victor, et cetera.
I'll ring the registry office.
And you can phone and cancel the hotel.
And go back to living together? (Sniffs) I don't think so, Oliver.
I'm sorry.
- Sandra? - Coming.
No.
Keep it.
Darling? Oh, Oliver You've made her cry.
I hope you're happy.
Happy, Mrs Bennett? We've both got something to be happy about, haven't we, you and I? Have we? You're not losing a daughter and I'm not gaining an old trout.
(Rings) H Hello.
Edgar, it's Oliver.
I'm at home.
Erm Sandy has just left.
The wedding is off.
What? Why? Incompatibility.
- After six years? - We're slow thinkers.
Look, Edgar, I won't chat about it, if you don't mind.
Cancelled weddings always make me cry.
If you could just help by ringing Peter and Victor and everyone, telling them it's off.
- Oh, and Edgar.
- Yes? Burn the confetti and boil the rice.
(Sighs) Yes, well, it's a sort of mutual thing, Mum.
Well, I'm sorry about your new hat.
Who? Catherine Williams? Yes, I did like her, but that was a long time ago.
Yeah, a very nice girl, Mum, but didn't she get married? Yeah, well, there you are Divorced? Oh, yes, but she got married again.
Divorced again? Yes, she's a nice girl, Mum, but It's my friend Jane Norton, you see.
Yes, but she's coming to a wedding that isn't going to happen.
Well, can't somebody at your registry office break it to her gently and give her a cup of tea? Well, I don't want to do it, do I? It's my wedding that's been cancelled! The last place I want to be is at your registry office, ankle deep in somebody else's confetti.
Yes, well, I'm terribly sorry, Ted, that it's such short notice.
No, it's definite.
What? Yes, I'll let you have your wedding present back.
So sorry.
Bye.
(Rings) Sandy? Oh, I'm sorry.
Who is that? The Goldsmiths Arms? Oh, my case! Oh, that's terribly kind of you.
My bachelor night? Yes, it was.
Well, thank you, but actually I'm remaining a bachelor.
I'll come round and pick up my case, shall I? You're opposite the library, aren't you? Just round the corner from the registry office? Yeah.
(Excited chatter) - Have you got the ring? - Yes, I've got the ring.
Oliver! Who are you getting married to? What? Well, you're waiting here.
Oh, yes I've heard of "on the rebound", but this is ridiculous.
I'm waiting for Jane.
I couldn't get in touch with her to tell her Oh.
that we weren't - Yes.
- Did you get in touch with - Everyone? - Mm.
- Yes.
Good.
Yes.
Well, erm TAXI DRIVER: Oi! Oi! 'Ere.
What's going on? You leap out of my cab.
You leave your suitcase behind, the meter ticking up.
What? You forget you were getting married or something? Yes, I did forget.
- Will you? - Yes.
Blimey! Hadn't you proposed? - No people.
- No people.
We were all right until people.
- We can do without people.
- We're people who don't need people.
Oi! Sorry to interrupt, but I do need people.
What? Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Er - Would that cover it? - Ta.
Darling, we need people, too.
Two witnesses.
- Oh, yeah.
Would you be a witness? - Sorry.
Got a religious aversion to weddings.
- You mean, you're a member of some sect? - No.
I'm married.
- Hey, will your parents ever forgive us? - Will your mother? We'll have a party for everyone when we get back.
Then perhaps they'll let us keep our wedding presents.
Excuse me, darling.
Er excuse me, would you be our witness? - What do you intend to do? - Get married.
Where are your own witnesses and your family? You're eloping, aren't you? This is Ealing, young man, and not Gretna Green.
Excuse me.
- Could you help me? - Love to.
- I want to get married.
- Oh, so do I.
No, no, to him.
Would you be a witness? Sorry.
He's not my type.
Er excuse me, could you come to the registry office, please? Would you mind? No, I don't mean you Please? We're getting married Excuse me.
I'm just about to get married.
Would you be my witness, please? Yes.
All right.
It's just over there.
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
(Sighs) I say! Er - (Indistinct) - What? (Conversation drowned out by incidental music) (Music drowns speech) Oh, great.
- Darling, I've got one, I mean, I've found him.
- So have I.
Come on.
Oliver, your case.
Now, by the powers entrusted to me, I pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
OLIVER: We made it! We finally got there.
Thank you very much.
You witnessed that very well.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much indeed.
Thank you - Hey, no photographer.
- Oh, damn.
Could you do us a photo? Well, I'm Press.
You famous, are you? Oh, no, but, well, I feel pretty important.
I'd pay.
Yeah, well, if you've just got married, mate, you're going to need every penny you can get.
Here's my card.
Give us a ring and I'll put a print in the post to you.
- Bless you.
- Everybody loves a lover! Ah, yes, but you've just given up being lovers, haven't you? Could you do another one of us kissing, please? Kissing? I'm not David Bailey.
Good luck.
- What are you doing? - Well, he's gone.
Good.
Alone at last.
- Do you feel different? - I think I do.
- Do you? - A bit.
I expect it grows.
- You look different.
- Really? I'm pale from the shock, am I? Hey, let's go down to Brighton, shall we? The hotel? We'll ring people from there.
OK.
We won't feel different down there, though, will we? Well, we'll get some different looks.
We've been signing in as "Mr and Mrs Pryde" for six years.
Tonight, I've asked for the honeymoon suite.