Rob (2012) s01e03 Episode Script

Hey, honey God You scared the crap out of me.
You scream like a little girl.
Everyone knows a high-pitched scream is more effective for disorienting an attacker.
You should have seen your face.
I'm sorry.
I keep forgetting that you live here.
What? You forget I live here? I'm your wife.
Remember that wedding in Vegas? I was the lady on the right.
Honey, I'm sorry.
It's just, you know, I've lived here for a long time alone.
I'm starting to understand why.
It's just a big adjustment, you know? I'm still getting used to it.
That brings me to something I want to talk about.
We've been married for weeks now, and I still feel like a guest in your house.
Well, that's ridiculous.
This is our house.
Is it? Look around.
It's all your stuff.
There are no traces of me anywhere.
Oh, come on.
There are plenty of traces of you.
There's you.
You're here.
That's your purse.
That magazine is yours.
It's a pretty thick magazine.
I just thought it would be fun to redecorate the house, you know, so it seems more like ours as a couple.
And to kick things off, I went out and bought this.
- What is it? - A throw pillow.
Where's it gonna go? On the couch.
Where else would it go? I don't know.
I was thinking maybe back in the bag.
Look, Rob, when I moved in here, I gave away all my furniture because I thought you and I were going You see, I already created it.
I saved you all the work.
Sweetie, I understand you like your world to be just so, and you can be a bit, you know, let's say finicky about it.
I am not finicky.
Come on.
Really? What were you doing with all those books? I was taking them from the non-fiction shelf in the bedroom to the fiction, slash, non-fiction shelf in the office.
Why? Because they're all orange.
Hello! Look, I know you're not so good with change.
I'm great with change.
I didn't used to have dinner with your parents nine days a week.
Tortillas, tostadas, enchiladas, empanadas, mole, pozole.
I'm at the end of my fat pants here.
I like your fat! Come on.
Where's the exciting, fun-loving man I eloped with? He comes and goes.
Look, I'm not against change, but why don't we start out small? It's a pillow.
How much smaller can you get? I can get pretty small.
I'm being ridiculous.
Put the pillow wherever you want.
Okay.
Episode 1x03: The Pillow All this over one pillow? And the pillow looks really good.
It's not about a pillow, corazon.
I know.
It's about Rob being a control freak.
I'm just trying to help him along.
No, no, no, no.
This is the first real fight of your marriage, right? Well, I wouldn't call it a fight.
Then make it one.
This is going to set the tone for every fight for the rest of your life, okay? It's like your father and I back in 1979.
The blue suit with the brown shoes.
The blue suit with the brown shoes.
No, not again, mom, really.
Yeah, you're right, not again.
Never again, because I won that first fight.
Look, Rob and I aren't like that.
And he really is trying.
Everyone is like that.
The wife has to win at all costs.
It's for the husband's own good.
I mean, men get a lot of ideas, but those ideas are dumb.
I like a lot of Rob's ideas.
You're still in the honeymoon period where you can't tell the difference.
Just crush all of his ideas.
You'll thank me later.
It's not you.
It's me.
I'm here.
I'm starving.
Well, your daughter and Rosa aren't here yet.
They're bringing dinner.
I just had to get away from my idiot brother-in-law.
Hector came for the weekend two months ago, and he's still here.
He's driving me nuts.
I wake up in the morning, he's there.
I come out of the bathroom, he's there.
Sometimes I go into the bathroom, he's there.
Right.
- Well, let me ask you a question.
- Okay.
What do you think of this pillow? It's all right.
Wrong.
It's hideous! I have this kind of color blindness where I can see colors, I just don't care about them.
Well, trust me, it's bad.
You know, Maggie has this idea we need to redecorate.
You know, she came home with this thing.
It looks like sponge-bob took a crap on my couch.
Sounds like you and my daughter are having your first fight, huh? Yeah, I remember my first fight with Rosa.
Oh, who won that one? Are you kidding? I brought a knife to a gunfight.
She just brought herself.
Yeah, it got ugly.
Until eventually I learned the secret of fighting with your wife.
- What's that? - Don't do it.
- What? - Ah, just learn to lose, you know? Accept defeat over and over and over again, you know.
Like the clippers.
What kind of fighting is that? Don't think of it as a fight.
I think of it as kind of a-a dance we do, only, I let her lead.
Don't take offense, but, maybe you should grow a pair of balls.
I think I will take offense to that.
Fernando? Oh, there you are.
Hello, Hector.
Oh, man.
You drove away so fast, I couldn't get in the car.
My mistake.
Rob, best friend.
I love you so much.
Oh, my God! What a great pillow! Please, take it home with you.
Fernando? When you left, we were having a lively debate about financial crisis, no? I was asking him to loan me money.
And your rebuttal was "Don't talk to me while I'm on the toilet.
" What's in the fridge? Look, either kill him or me.
I can't take this anymore.
Why don't you just stand up for yourself, tell Rosa he's got to get his own place? It's not that easy.
- Fernando? - What? Good news.
I let your raccoon back into the house.
My raccoon? He must have been out there a long time.
He was starving, huh? You know, maybe I will stand up to Rosa on this one.
Hey, papi, you're here early.
Hey, baby.
Otra vez en esta casa tan fea.
Ay, grandma.
Hector, I got you a sweater.
It's out in the car.
Nando, go get it.
No.
What? I'm not going out there to get a sweater for Hector.
But I'm cold.
Well, then, you go get it.
As a matter of fact, things are going to change around here.
The free ride is over.
If you're going to live in my house, you're going to start paying rent.
- Me? - Yeah.
Or? You! Ay, gracias a Dios.
I don't have any money.
Well, get a job.
There aren't any jobs.
Well, from now on, you're gonna work at my car-wash.
What do you think about that? Okay, Nando.
Whatever you say is fine by me.
It is? It is? Yeah, it is.
And don't you forget it.
What's going on with Dad? I forgot to tell you.
They do this every nine or ten years.
You just got to let him play it out.
Looks like there's a new sheriff in town.
His name is sheriff balls.
Well, the gravy train's over, menso.
Welcome to the world of working for a living.
I'm intrigued.
Usually, I'm more of an idea m You know, the executive type.
But it'll be good research for when I write my book.
Chapter one "Hello, squeegee!" Here I go.
What the hell is that? Oh, you know, the humidity makes my hair get all poodle.
Que paso, Rosa? Hey, Rosa? I have a squeegee.
Hola, mi Amor.
So, how's he doing? Great.
Soon as he makes some money, he can get his own apartment or maybe a van to sleep in.
Okay.
I guess you are proving me wrong on this.
I just didn't think he was cut out for this kind of work.
Uh, one quick question.
When you wash the cars, windows up or windows down? Up.
Oh, okay next time.
Hey, Maggie, I'm home.
Hey, Amor - Hey, baby.
- Hey.
How did your meeting go with the Parks Department? Yeah, well, they loved my new design for the museum fountain.
Oh, good.
How was your day? Terrible.
The publisher moved up my deadline.
And now I have to translate both books in a month.
Well, if anybody can do it, you can do it.
I love your outfit.
Really? You like it? Everything looks good on you, even me.
So what's for dinner tonight? Uh, I don't know.
I got some chicken at the farmer's market.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
What do you think we should make? What was that thing you made last night? You know, the one with the sauce that was so So good? We don't have any capers.
I can try it with olives.
I bet it'd be even better with olives! I don't like the pillow.
We're keeping it.
The pillow is sapping my will to live.
It's fun and cheery! So is the cast of Glee.
But I don't need them sitting on my couch.
Okay.
I'll let go if you let go.
Okay.
On three.
One, two, three.
I can't cook unless you let go.
Well, I think it's pretty clear that I can't.
Okay, then.
Maybe we should order out.
All right.
You dial, I'll hold the phone.
Well, look who's here, sitting here on my couch, mocking me.
Well, I got bad news for you, big bird turd.
Your days on this couch are numbered.
Look, it's not all your fault.
I mean, I guess Maggie thinks I can't change.
I mean, tell me if you think I'm crazy here.
You know, funny thing is, under different circumstances, you and I could probably be friends.
Nothing personal.
But I think you knew this could only end one way.
Goal! Oh, good morning, sunshine.
Sleep well? I slept well.
Oh, what a beautiful day out.
Can I make you some breakfast? Pour you some coffee? Where is it? It's in the coffee maker.
It's in the kitchen.
You know exactly what I'm talking about.
Where is it? I'm not following you, what? Wait a minute.
- Where's our pillow? - That's what I'm asking you.
Is it possible you misplaced it? Let's retrace your steps.
Okay.
Let's see.
I married a man.
Then I bought one pillow.
And then he had a complete mental collapse.
Okay.
That's one theory.
Or oh, my God! Could we have been robbed? The one thing I picked out that represents me in this house, and you get rid of it behind my back.
Did you think I wasn't gonna notice? Well, I figured you were gonna notice.
I was hoping you wouldn't confront me.
I've had it, control freak.
What are you gonna do with that? That doesn't go there.
Just doing a little redecorating.
Okay.
All right.
I see what you're doing, I get your point.
You know, you think, you know, if you move all my things around, that I won't be able to handle it, and I'll freak out, okay Okay, okay, okay! I can't take it.
Stop it! I get your point! What's my point? I don't know! I'm just reminding you someone else lives here.
Okay.
Look, look Don't you get it? If I let you win this pillow thing, you're going to want to change everything! Aha, there it is finally.
Now we're getting to what this is really about.
You're afraid of any change whatsoever.
I am not afraid of change.
I just like things exactly the way they are! Then you really don't want to go in the kitchen.
Orange juice on the counter.
That hurts.
Well, look at this.
Eggs near the sink.
Uh, that doesn't go there.
Well, if you think that's gonna get to me, sorry, not gonna panic.
See, they just go right back in here, see? Ah! Whew! Oh, and by the way, good luck getting dressed.
My closet.
Okay.
Well, I'll take Detroit and San Francisco.
Dime a piece.
I gotta go.
- Hi, Fernando - Roberto.
Thanks for seeing me.
I feel like I owe you one.
That was great advice you gave me.
My deadbeat brother-in-law's hard at work.
Glad things are working out for somebody.
Kind of got into a big fight with Maggie.
- What happened? - She moved some of my things around.
It's worse than it sounds.
Okay.
Well, what do you want from me? You've been married a long time.
What should I do? You want me to teach you how to fight with my daughter? Yes! I'm just not good at these kind of things.
You know, my parents were happily married.
They hardly ever fought Or talked to each other.
Well, you know a wise man once told me Sounds like you need to grow a pair of balls! Well, I tried that.
Now they're back where they belong Up in my abdomen.
Fernando? Look, I was just Oh, hi, Rob.
Just dropping off Hector's lunch.
Hector! He's working out great.
I mean, he's real employee-of-the-month potential, you know? Seems like he's not the idiot that I thought he was, you know? You know, the other guys love him.
He doesn't leave streaks, you know, and it just frosts your butt that I made the right call on this.
Yeah, he looks like a real natural.
He's killing me.
What? What? Okay.
Come on, let's have a look here.
Okay.
What's the matter with you, huh? My brother is too smart to work in a car wash! He's not smart enough to go through a car wash.
Okay, cállate.
Listen, you want to talk about Hector moving out of the house? Let me tell you something.
Your mother living with us for the last five years? What about my mother? Who has to drive her everywhere? She sits in the back of the car and she turns the channel every two minutes because she likes the ads? I know.
That's why I let you do it.
You don't let me do it.
I do it for you because that's what people do when they love each other.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
- Okay I'm sorry about Hector.
Just dry him off and take him home.
Okay.
Tan bello.
I'm just gonna let myself out.
Okay.
Lock the door on your way out.
Every couple has this little dance that they do.
You and Maggie got to find your own.
But lock the door.
Good job.
I might give you mondays off.
Hey there, you.
Sorry about before.
Ah, it's okay.
I deserved it.
You did.
But you know, I don't like it when we fight.
Well, I hope you don't mind.
I took the library out of the refrigerator.
If that's okay with you.
And I took all your shoes out of your jacket pockets.
Thank you.
Look, I went shopping and I got you a little something.
Thank you.
It's kind of growing on me, you know? It's sunny like you.
Do you really like it? No! But I'm-I'm, really, really trying.
I know.
I know you are.
It is pretty ugly, isn't it? Is this some kind of trap? It was never really about the pillow, Rob.
It was about us.
Look, I just want to be a part of your life.
And I want to be a part of your life.
Then let's get rid of this thing and we can make this our home together.
Okay.
We can start small Coasters.
What the heck? Life's short.
Placemats!