Roger And Val Have Just Got In (2010) s01e03 Episode Script

1 Mm.
Mm.
- All the stuffs in the car.
- Mm.
- You OK? - Just finishing the sausage from last night.
- Oh, you been in the fridge? - Yeah.
- Oh.
And you've had a yogurt - Yeah.
As well as the sausage? Before I spotted the sausage, I had the yogurt, yeah.
Any news? No, leave those.
They're to go away.
- Have you not had any lunch, then? - No.
I went in this morning and I found them all, toppled over against each other, dead.
Aww, Roger.
Is that why you've not had any lunch? - Yep.
- Aww.
But you thought that, didn't you? Yep.
If you want to grow rice plants anywhere in Northern Europe, you've got to cut a deal with the plant.
- Mm.
- Have you finished with all this? - Yeah.
The plant says, "OK, I'll lay my cards on the table.
"I'll pretend I've not come over in a lorry "and I'm not under a glass dome with a bit of crazy paving, "if you'll mimic a South Asian clime, that's all you've got to do.
" - Val? - Yeah.
See, Phil knows that, and yet he refuses to raise the temperature in the plant house, against all the advice from his senior botanical team.
- Val, can you hear this? - Yes, I'm listening.
So the plants have said, "Hang on a second, mate, "you're not keeping to your end of the deal," and they've died.
- Right.
- That's why I had no lunch.
So there's your shirts to come in, and the dining room curtains.
- Ooh, the curtains are back.
- They are.
But let's wait till they're up.
- Yeah.
- I'll celebrate then.
By sitting and looking at them.
Probably with a Ooh, a big glass of wine.
Yeah, go for it.
I'll fetch them in and we'll get cracking.
Yeah.
We'll have a cup of tea, then get moving.
Don't forget your shirts, Roger! See, why do that? Why have a sausage, when there's all those dinners? There's macaroni, that's valid; Cold meat, that's valid; Mackerel, completely possible, but no.
Oh, he's He's even missed the giant Yorkshire pudding.
Roger? - Who did my shirts, Val? - Year nine.
And year ten did the, um, curtains for careers.
Oh.
Much better than last week.
Why did you not eat that? - Cos that's in a massive dish.
- What is it? Oh! Macaroni cheese.
I didn't spot it.
That would have left me more room, cos I've got to put these away and I've got to close the fridge door as well.
And a sausage is just in foil.
- Why are there three dinners? - Well, because I'm giving two away.
- I actively want to do that.
- Oh.
- Can I just - Watch what you're Can you not bother me now, Roger, please? Because I'm You can see I'm struggling with this.
- Could you choose an alternative route? - There is no alternative route.
Well, then, don't Come past me as I lean forward.
Come past now.
Go past now.
Take this.
Take this.
There.
Right.
Because I I just I just OK.
Oh These are not going to fit in your fridge, Val, so give up.
I am now going to have five minutes before we tackle the dining room.
- We're definitely doing that tonight, are we? - Yes.
Yeah, I know.
I just meant we are doing it.
- What state is the dishwasher in? - Pretty bad.
Oh.
Well, we still we still should have five minutes.
- Yes.
Sit down.
- Cos we need it.
- Yeah, cup of tea.
- Oh.
Yeah.
Mm.
- Are you tired? - Knackered.
- I'm knackered - I am.
- I'm knackered.
- I am.
I feel drugged, actually.
There's something somewhere just wiping me out.
I don't know.
I've maybe got a virus.
No, you haven't got a virus, Roger.
We just go to bed too late.
Yeah, we do.
We start with the CDs, the DVDs, and cheese and biscuits, talking.
Before you know it, we're staggering up the stairs, it's quarter to one in the morning.
Hey, don't knock it! Sometimes I take those stairs in one leap, depending on how my cheese and biscuits go down.
Yeah.
So it's not a virus then, is it? - You all right, Rog? - Yeah.
- Are you? - Yeah, I'm all right.
- How did Phil take it? - Had another run-in with him today.
- Oh, Roger.
- Val, Phil's a politician.
He's a turnstile man.
He's all about visitor numbers - click, click, click.
- Yeah.
- But this despotic kangaroo regime that he's running now is actually killing plants.
And that's when someone's gotta step in and say, "Phil, no, enough.
"Your zeal for cost-effectiveness has in the end failed, "and it has failed on the gravest possible charge.
"11 rice plants lie dead, slaughtered, because of your heating policy.
" Oh, Roger.
Did you say that? No, I wish I'd said that.
What I did say was, "You want to be the Great Phil Hewlett, budget buster, "and yet you demand exactly the same level of plant quality "that you get in a a higher heated place.
" - Brilliant.
- Then, and this is why I came home early, as I left I said, "You know the worst thing of it, Phil? "You head up a winter garden "and yet there is not one single plant in your entire office.
" Genius.
What did he say to that? I don't know.
As I said, I left.
But what would he have said if you'd stayed in? I dunno.
Probably, "Get out.
" Kim Jong Phil.
Oh.
I wish we hadn't sat down, now.
- I don't know if I can face the dining room.
- No.
Yes we can, come on.
Do you fancy a Scotch pancake with some Flora? - Cos I'm going to have one.
- No.
But don't have a Scotch pancake.
Have something from the fridge.
- Did you ring your Dad? - Not till about two.
And he was asleep.
The doctor had seen him at 11 and he'd had a good night.
- Who did you speak to? - The ward sister.
She said he was comfortable.
Yeah.
- Mike and Lois hadn't been.
Again.
- It's not as easy for them.
They've got kids.
- Their kids are grown up.
- Roger.
Yeah, yeah, they've got kids.
What else is there besides a Scotch pancake? - Oh, just have a Scotch pancake.
- Great.
You sure? - You want one? - No, no, no, thanks.
Hmmm.
Urgh.
Doesn't matter.
It so doesn't matter.
- What's wrong? - Nothing.
I - Oooh - What is it? If you saw someone coming out of work with some work they'd done that day at work, would you pass comment? It's hard to say.
I'd need a context.
- Are you sure you don't want some? - No, thanks.
No.
Well, I was coming out of the cookery room tonight and I had all your shirts on coat hangers, and in my other arm, I had the three noodle bakes.
And a couple of kids following behind with our dining room curtains.
And Pam Bagnall passed by, and as she did she said, "I see!" Like that.
"I see!" - Meaning what? - Well, I don't know.
Meaning, I suppose, that I can get all my washing and ironing and cooking done at school because of my job.
I suppose she thinks I'm on some kind of easy wicket.
- That's outrageous.
- Like this, Roger.
"I see!" Yeah, I'll tell you what she saw.
She saw a crack food-technology teacher at the peak of her powers.
Well, what she doesn't see is all the work involved.
I cook hundreds of those meals and we only ever eat one.
No, we do.
So why have we got three, Val? Well, because And this is what I am just slightly worried about.
This week I had to buy the demonstration stuff.
So when I went to the supermarket there was an offer, a special offer on chicken fillets.
So I bought four packs.
I didn't actually need four packs.
But then I bought slightly more noodles, slightly more veg.
And I put it on the petty cash.
- What do you think? - Whoa, whoa, whoa, rewind.
Well, it just means that I spent three pounds more than I normally do.
- Right, well, if I've heard right - Mm.
You did that because of the good offer on the chicken, so you've saved the school some money.
- Yes But, apart from, I've brought them home.
All of them.
- What do you think? - Oh.
Right.
- I see.
- Exactly.
"I see a thief.
" - No, erm I don't know.
- Oh! Where does Bagnall lie politically? Is she "hang 'em and flog 'em" or is she "a couple of noodle bakes are fair game"? - Where is she? - See, this is what I don't know.
This is the risk I'm taking.
Because if she goes to the head and says, "I've just seen Val Stevenson walking off with three noodle bakes" - She's going to sound ridiculous.
- Yeah, but that could go on my record.
What do you think? I don't know.
- What does Bagnall teach? - History.
She's a boffin.
Yeah, free trips to London, castles, Bayeux.
And we pay for all the ingredients for our meals.
Usually.
So no one's going to believe her when she sings like a canary.
- No she's completely over-reacted.
- Mmm.
I might actually just go and stand by the school bus when she's on a school trip actually.
And as she passes by I might say, "Hey Pam.
I see something as well.
" Yeah, yeah.
Do and then I'll come along Yeah, but don't go off on one of your big things.
Well, I'm sorry, Val, but she's attacked my wife and she's attacking us as a couple.
I eat those meals, those are my shirts and those are my dining room curtains.
I'll might just put an IOU in and backdate it to yesterday to cover myself.
That's it.
So, unless she has that carbon-dated Yeah, OK, we're supposed to be having five minutes.
Yeah, but it's irritating.
- Is that nice? - Mm.
Mm.
Are you going to have another one? Yeah, go on.
Only small.
Do me some then as well.
Are they bad for you? They will be, cos they're nice.
We can work these off doing the dining room.
- I can't even think about the dining room.
- No? Still, it won't do itself.
Mm.
Oh! What if we went in there and it was all done? If it had done itself and whizzed round with the hoover.
- Oh, I'd love it.
- I would.
And two little bluebirds would have put up the curtains.
Be brilliant.
Yeah.
Oh, no, actually, you're wrong.
The curtains would have hung themselves up, and they'd reunite in the middle, like that, with a big kiss.
Yeah, that's brilliant, Val, yeah.
And the two chairs'd be grumpy old bastards with whiskers and a pipe.
Oh, God, yeah.
They'd quite disapprove of all the other things, wouldn't they? And then some plates would jump up on the table and a lovely meal would be all spread out.
Yeah, yeah.
And then a line of dishes would just march past, wouldn't they, on their way to the dishwasher which we'd have emptied.
Oh! And right at the end, the ladders would dance out and run back to the garage.
Aww, don't, Roger, cos that's depressed me now.
Why? Oh, that's really cheered me up.
Well, because I do now sort of believe that someone's gone bibbidi bobbidi boo.
- And they haven't.
- Nope.
Like I said, it won't do itself.
Come on, let's crack on.
- Val! Come and look at this.
- Mm.
New sprout on the split-leaf philodendron.
Why? Why has that happened? - Why? - More light.
Huh? It's amazing.
No curtains for four days, you get a juvenile.
Ah, plants.
They just keep coming right back at ya.
- Is that a whole new plant? - Yeah, it's reproduced.
Yeah.
We should be like that.
That would be ridiculous, Val, because if you were on holiday for two weeks' sunbathing and someone splashed water on you, people'd be reproducing all over the place, it'd be chaos.
Mm.
Well I might quite like that.
It would certainly speed up the evolutionary process.
I would be much taller because I would've reached this height by say, the 17th century.
Yeah, that would be very good for my line of people where I'm from.
Because in the 17th century, Roger, I wouldn't even have reached the windowsill.
It's weird, isn't it, without the curtains? You get a completely different view of Eleanor's.
Eleanor's looks completely different.
Yeah.
Wild.
Curtains are a real two-way thing.
You've got a pattern on the inside for the people there, and then on the other it's completely blank.
"Go away, don't come in.
" - Yeah, but that's a one-way thing, though.
- Hm All the power's in the hands of the person pulling or drawing the curtains Well, the curtain itself is two-faced.
You can't say any other.
So, plants are anti-curtains, presumably? - Yeah, I s'pose.
But - Or, curtains are against plants.
Which is odd, because people often put flowers on curtains.
- Yeah.
- But if you're a plant, a flowery curtain is just a slap in the face.
Yeah, you're right.
What I always say about plants is it's amazing how they give off oxygen, the very thing we need to breathe, and we give off carbon dioxide, the very thing - Yes, life on earth all adds up scientifically.
No I don't think it adds up.
I think it's weird.
Evolution, reproduction There's a hair's breadth between all of that and bibbidi bobbidi boo.
See, and that's, in a way, the bigger question.
Why have we evolved to need to put up curtains? Well, we haven't, of course, we've just domesticised ourselves within society To pull them shut.
So it's us in here and them out there.
That's why we've got curtains, Roger.
So we can be me and you, and not them.
Yeah.
And while we've been talking about it, we could have had them up! Right, Roger, can you pass me the top curtain, please? Which I think is the left-hand side one.
Is it? Just unfold it so I can see.
Yes it is.
Fine.
Good.
Right.
Give that straight to me then.
- There you go.
- Right.
- Don't gaze out of the window, concentrate.
- You were just gazing out of the window.
Yes, well, anyway, you know, come on.
In fact, hang on a minute.
You should come up the ladder and do this bit, because what I need to be doing now is seeing if they've shrunk.
- Where you going? - I'm just seeing if this one's the same.
Could you hold the ladder, please, Val? Because I'm effectively armless.
Yeah, OK.
- Val, could you come and hold the ladder? - Oh, sorry.
- Right, I've got you.
- You got me? - I've got you.
Don't fall, Roger.
- No, I wont, I won't.
- Right, can you put - Just a minute, just a minute, Val! - All right! - Well, you know, it's just Right.
I'm up.
Right.
Right, put the top of the curtain under the pelmet.
- No, under it, Roger - Look, Val! I'm doing the best I can! Quit with the barked instructions or I'll snap.
Please.
- What's the matter? - I'm up a ladder.
Right.
All right, well, just keep it there till I say.
Where have you got the top of it? Just under the pelmet.
Exactly where you said.
Do you think that's the same length as it was before? I've no idea, Val, because I'm up a ladder.
I think it is.
Right.
We'll know more when we get the hooks in.
Where are the curtain hooks? - There weren't any.
- Yes there were, on the back seat.
No, if I'd seen them I'd have carried them in my teeth.
You've obviously dropped them on the way, Rog.
Go and get them, because they're the only ones we've got.
Can I come down? If I can come down, I'll retrace my steps.
Oh, go on, then.
No, don't Don't Oh Steady.
Did you find them? Couldn't find your curtain hooks, Val, no.
- What? - I did, however, find these, which I presume to be part of a chicken noodle bake.
What do you mean? You don't think you've mistaken your bag of curtain hooks for some easy cook noodles? - That's ridiculous.
- It's not ridiculous.
You have a feel of that.
Now you tell me, if you felt that under a car seat, when you were looking for a bag of curtain hooks, you wouldn't think you'd found them.
- Well I might, yes.
- Yes! So did I.
See, what you did, Val, is you've picked these up without looking and when you did look, you saw curtain hooks, because your mind was telling you that's what to see.
That's how all oppression works.
No, I'm sorry, Roger, no, I don't agree.
I do agree that noodles feel like curtain hooks, but that's as far as I'm prepared to go.
- I am not oppressed.
- You are.
We both are.
It's the dining room.
It's been hanging over me all day.
Well, I don't care, I just want it to be nice.
Fine, but we've been royally mocked by a pack of easy cook noodles and that, in my opinion, is what's going on here.
I know you don't believe me, Roger, but I did bring home a proper bag of curtains hooks as well.
Right.
And I am prepared to go to B&Q and buy real curtain hooks tomorrow.
If I were you, I'd take this as a Get Out Of Jail Free card for not doing the dining room tonight.
No, I don't want to just leave it and leave it, though, Roger.
Yeah, and neither do I.
Don't think that I do, because I don't.
Tomorrow night, I'm not even going to sit down.
- I'm just going to come in here and blitz it.
- Yeah, and I am.
But for now, we will Why don't we just leave it? No? Well, only if we say we will definitely do it tomorrow night.
- Yeah.
What do you think? - Yeah.
- What? So just leave it for tonight? - Yeah.
We're both on our knees.
- We've made every effort.
- Yeah.
What do you think? - What, just leave it? - Yeah, just leave it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's a lovely light, isn't it? Yeah.
Ohh! Our lovely garden.
I loved it on Sunday when we did the garden.
- Yeah, I did.
I did.
- Mm.
Put your collar up, Roger.
Put it up.
Keep staring out there.
No, keep staring out there like you were staring.
Yeah.
- Actually, put my reading glasses on.
- Eh? No, I will tell you.
- Well, what's the big deal? - No, I will tell you.
It's an experiment, Right.
Right, now look at me.
- Yeah.
You look Norwegian.
- Eh? Yeah, I suddenly thought that then when you were staring out there.
I think it's this light.
If I met you now and I didn't know you, I would think we were in Norway.
Well, that's the light, though, it's not the glasses.
I think it's both.
Well, it probably is the light.
Standing here, like this, it's like a white night.
- Roger Stevensonborg.
- Hm.
Svensonsonborg.
No, Stevensonsonsonsonson.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, that's what I'd be.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, you look out and let me see.
- Right.
Let's see.
No, no.
Try You try it with the glasses.
Oh, OK.
No, it it works better with you without the glasses.
See, I'm not convinced that the glasses are Norwegian, Val.
- It just looks like you in your glasses.
- No it doesn't.
You are so wrong.
People in Finland and Sweden and Norway all have funny little glasses, and that's what these are like.
- Especially on a man.
- That's a bit dodgy.
I'll go along with it but I won't buy it.
Give them here.
Well if you don't know what I mean, there's no point explaining.
People in Luxembourg and Denmark have them, actually, as well.
No, no, I do see what you mean, especially this light.
Yeah, yeah.
You could be, erm You could be a glamorous divorcée who's just moved to a fjord.
- Yeah.
- And I I could be a fisherman.
- Hm.
- Actually, nowadays I'd be in phones or IT.
But I'd come and, you know, cheer you the hell up.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
Try it with the glasses again.
- OK.
Hey, old man.
Can I borrow your goat to go up zee mountain? Oh, no, sorry.
I've gone to Switzerland.
I've done it all wrong.
Yeah.
This'll be the last year Dad sees it all.
So you can say he will see the sunflowers, but he won't see his tomatoes.
Oh, well, you can say he might.
No, he won't see the tomatoes, Val.
I don't know what to do about the tomatoes.
Every time I go he keeps asking me if I've got them facing the right way.
That's why I wish he'd loved a lettuce, you can dig them up in a month.
He'll miss the tomatoes.
Yep, because plants just keep going.
There'll always be tomatoes.
I suppose you could say you are your Dad's sprout.
When he got sacked, the tomatoes was all he ever did.
That's not all he did.
He took our photograph.
Yeah.
- Us.
- Yes.
And, you know You know, we're still me and you.
Come on.
I've earmarked one of the noodle bakes for your dad, so we'll take it tomorrow.
Phew.
Glad that's over.
Whole new evening's opening up in front of me.
Oh, and my DVD about the man who went to live with the bears has come.
- Mm.
- Tonight's an ideal time.
We can get changed, dinners on our laps, and watch it! - Maybe.
- Maybe.
Great.
Fine.
- What? - Well, you clearly don't want to watch it.
I might watch it, Roger.
I don't know, I'll see.
Great! He gets eaten in the end.
I tell you what, Val, you are absolutely going to love this.
You're going to love it.
It really is about man at one with nature.
Well, actually, it's man versus nature.
You see, that's what's putting me off, your whole, "You'll like it, you'll like it, you'll love it, you'll like it, like it, like it.
" - It doesn't sound that good.
- No, it is good.
No, no.
Val, listen listen to this.
You don't see him being eaten, but when he does No, listen.
When he does, the man making the film Yes, you see, you are jump-starting me into the DVD choice.
No, no, no, no.
The man making the All right, no.
All I'm gonna say is, it's really brilliant.
That's all I'm gonna say.
But the man making the film actually hears him being eaten.
Don't just sit there, Roger, please.
Can you get some potatoes What is it? - It's the curtain hooks! - Eh? They've got in with the noodles.
For God's sake, Val, I thought you were being attacked.
How could I be being attacked? I'm in the kitchen.
Yeah, but you can't go around reacting like that.
- It's ridiculous.
- I'll tell you what's more ridiculous, is you saying I'm being attacked.
I'm opening a cookery basket.
Yeah, but you know, I dunno I You gave me a shock.
I'm the one who's had the shock, Roger.
Curtain hooks, not noodles.
Curtain hooks, not noodles.
- I was right.
- Well, what does that mean now, then? We are putting the curtains up or we're not? No, we'll leave it, since you're now in a really bad mood.
- I'm not, Val.
- You are.
I'm not.
I just I just can't deal with anything else about curtains tonight.
It's become a monster.
Don't be shocked, it's only me.
Me and you.
I might put my tracksuit bottoms on.
- Might you, Val? - I might.
If you do, I will.
Well I suppose, realistically, we're not gonna get the curtains up tonight, are we? - Not realistically, no.
- Mm If I say yes to the tracksuit bottoms, what's to stop me going the whole hog and putting my pyjamas on? - Jamas on? Nothing.
Yeah.
So, shall we just do that, then? I'm just wondering, Val, if on the extras you can choose to hear him be eaten.
I doubt it, because bloke making the film orders the woman to burn the tape.
What woman? The upset friend of the man who was eaten.
Yeah, she's devastated.
Because, Val, you see him, hear him being eaten