Ronny Chieng: International Student (2016) s01e03 Episode Script
Clash! Ronny vs Instructions! Obey?
STUDENTS: (CHANT) Hey, hey, ho, ho! Karaoke's got to go! Hey, hey, ho, ho! Karaoke's got to go! Hey, hey, ho, ho! Karaoke's got to go! Man, white people love protesting.
There's like shit going down here every other day.
Stop cultural appropriation! Stop karaoke night! You've never felt injustice you had to stand up for? Ah, even if I did, I can't do anything about it.
The conditions on my student visa prevent me from participating in political protest.
- No.
That can't be true.
- Yeah, it is.
Wow.
I had no idea you were living under this oppression.
You're living under this oppression too! What do you mean? - You're here on a student visa, right? - Yeah.
So? That means you're an international student.
Yeah, but I'm American, okay? Our rights travel with us.
- No, that that's not how it works.
- MAN: Hey, guys? Guys, can I get you to keep walking 'cause we're just gonna shut down this protest.
Yeah, it's fine.
We're not protesting.
That doesn't matter.
I just need you to move on so we can clear the area.
Or else what? You're going to beat the shit out of us? No.
I'm just asking you to move on, mate.
Look, it's okay.
I'm sorry.
He just doesn't like people telling him what to do.
Yo, I will move when I'm goddamn ready to move and not one second earlier.
Nah, I reckon you'll start moving right now, champ.
Oh, yeah? (PROTESTERS CONTINUE CHANTING) You're just going to stand here all day now? Yeah, you can't let people with no authority push you around.
That's how dictatorships happen.
Okay, Malcolm X, come on.
Let's go before your visa gets cancelled.
Okay, but I'm only moving right now because I choose to, not because I'm following your instructions.
Yeah, whatever, arsehole.
Ronny Chieng: International Student 3x02 "Clash! Ronny vs Instructions! Obey?" June 21, 2017 Oh, hey, look, they opened a bubble tea place right next to where Asher works.
Bubble tea? What the hell is bubble tea? Bubble tea, you never had bubble tea before? No.
What's that floating black shit? It's pearls.
What the fuck, man? Pearls aren't for eating.
They're made of tapioca, you idiot.
Still.
God, it looks like something from Fear Factor.
Do you get that reference? Yeah, no one's asking you to try it, right? No offence, man, it does not look good.
You left America to not experience other cultures, that makes sense.
Are you saying I'm not game to try anything new? Yeah.
I'm saying that drink has more balls than you.
- Hello.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Thanks for stopping by.
Ooh, do you want some raw almonds? No, I'm okay.
Is this a shop or where people dump their used food? Not fancy enough for you? Fancy! It's a hygiene issue.
People gonna eat this, right? As long as I've been here we've never had any complaints.
Maybe because everyone died immediately after eating it.
Why is it so grubby? Oh, my God, look, the fruit, someone took a bite out of this! And why does everything look like it's been dragged through the mud? Because it's farm to table.
More like shit to mouth.
This is where socially conscious people on a budget shop.
Well, why are there no price tags? How do you know how much anything costs? It's pay what you feel.
Pay what you feel? Yeah, we have a donation bowl.
Okay, so your business model is begging.
Got it.
So then why do you even need to be here? It's just a job, Ronny.
Calm down.
(PHONE CHIMES) - Oh, shit.
- What? Totally forgot.
I have a meeting with Professor Dale right now to discuss my last essay.
So, go.
I'll have to tell him I can't make it.
What, because of this? No, no, no, your first job is being a student.
You can't wreck a 100,000 degree to make, like, what, 20 bucks an hour.
15? Coin and half a muffin? Well, then, what are you even doing here? I need this job! You don't work and your parents pay for everything.
I can't do uni work if I'm homeless and starving.
Hang on, hang on, how about I just cover your shift for the day? It's harder than you think.
What if you fuck something up? There is an open vat of self-serve yoghurt with animal hair in it.
I don't think I can fuck it up anymore! All right.
All right.
I got this.
Trust me, I got it.
Go, go, go, go, go.
I'll tell Todd you're covering my shift for me.
Just please don't get me fired.
- Trust me, I got this.
- I'll be back in an hour, tops.
- Take the whole day if you want.
- Well, we'll see about that.
Just stand behind the counter and help customers.
What I can't help customers from the front? Joking, I'm just joking.
See? Behind the counter.
Go.
Go! I got it! (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS RETREAT) (CLEARS THROAT) What is this? What is grass jelly? Red bean? And tea? What the fuck! Oh, hey, Wei Jun! So, what's good here? Ah, bubble tea.
Yeah, right? I'm really up for something exotic today.
I really want to experience some international culture.
What are you having? Ah, taro milk tea with taro pudding.
Yeah.
I'll get one too.
First time for everything, right? Hey, can I get two taro milks? You want pearls? Yeah.
Sure.
You know what? Extra pearls.
Go hard or go home right? Put that shit in! Keep the change.
Thank you.
Cheers, everyone! To international experiences.
- (ENERGETIC MUSIC) - Wait.
What is this taste? It's so creamy but sweet.
And the pearls, chewy and refreshing.
I've never had anything like this before.
It's it's it's amazing! What are you doing?! Get down.
These animals.
Paying for stuff with string.
What the fuck is this? Argh! Oh, sorry, I don't have any spare change but feel free to take whatever rotting fruit you want.
I'm Todd.
Asher told me you were taking over her shift.
Oh.
Todd! Yeah, yeah, yeah, thanks for letting me take over on such short notice.
No problem.
So, what kind of retail experience do you have? Oh, well, I've been in lots of shops and I'm a really quick learner and I'm great at following instructions.
Okay.
How about you start with the produce over here.
Oh, like, stacking it? No, rubbing dirt on it.
People love that organic 'fresh from the ground' feel with their produce.
Okay, uh Here's a crazy suggestion.
I think more people would buy the produce if it looked clean and edible.
Just putting it out there.
Are we gonna have a problem here? Because Asher vouched for you.
No! Yeah.
Of course.
I'm sorry you're right, whatever you want.
I'll rub whatever you want onto anything.
You're in charge.
Hm.
But when you're done with the produce, if you really want to clean something you can deal with the self serve grain station over here.
Oh, you want me to throw that shit out? Yeah.
No problem.
No.
I want you to sort through it.
You want me to You want me to organise the grain? There's, like, a family of mice living in this.
This is a hygiene situation.
You got to throw this out.
I don't want you to throw anything out, okay? So, you want me to sort through this, grain by grain? That's going to take some time.
Yeah, no pain, no grain.
Yo! Could I get a passion fruit popping boba with pearls? Coconut grape jelly, with pearls! Jasmine green milk.
With pearls.
Mmm! Signature frozen hot chocolate.
With pearls.
Grape coconut jelly popping boba.
Huh! Huh! Huh! - You want pearls? - You're reading my mind, man.
Can you please put your shirt back on?! How's it looking, Ronny Chieng? Well, the foxtail millet and the finger millet was a nightmare to separate, but I think I got the rest done.
Nice work.
I've got to split for a bit but while I'm gone, I've got another job for you.
Okay.
It would really help the store if you could hand-wash these bandannas.
Is this personal or work related? Oh, totally work related.
If I have to do it, then I spend less time working in the store.
Okay, well, I don't know if your laundry is in my official job description.
Hey, man, this is what working at a co-op is all about.
Everyone has to play their part.
So, can you play your part or do I need to call Asher and get her back here? - No.
I can do it.
- Thanks, man.
Really means a lot.
(HUFFING AND PUFFING) Ronny! Um, have you got any jerky? I've got a couple of rough units coming round.
We need to stock up.
Ah, if it's not on the shelf we're out.
Oh, damn.
Oh.
I'll get some yoghurt.
(PLASTIC BAG RUSTLES) Uh (SWEAT DRIPS) Is that chewing gum? Yeah, spearmint.
Enjoy.
What are you doing? Guh Oh! Um, do you have a cloth? Or, uh, maybe a hessian sack? I have spilt a significant amount of yoggie on the floor.
Yeah.
You think? You know what? Er, I've got this.
Bit of DIY cleaning and should be Dude, you're just rubbing it into the carpet.
You know, just stop.
Do you have a plastic bag? - Uh, this one's got a hole.
- Stop, man.
Dude, just go.
Just go, man.
Don't worry about it.
- (GRUNTS) - (CLATTERING) Oh! Sorry.
- Let me get - Just get the fuck out! You're a goddamn animal, Mick! Who the fuck eats that much dairy? TELEVISION: Intruder spotted.
Hah! Hyah! What show is this? Initiate fight sequence.
Hee-ya! Hey, does anyone know what show this is? (BOTH GRUNT) Hey! Hey, dumb-ass! Are you talking to me? Yeah, you.
Super dumb-ass.
What the hell do you think you're doing? I'm just chillin'.
And why are you chilling here? Because I'm trying to experience international cultures.
What the hell does that mean? I'm getting to know how international people live.
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
Firstly, why do you keep calling them international? Because they're from other countries.
And where are you from? My country.
Yeah.
Don't you see, you dumb fuck? You're not in your country now.
Therefore What are you trying to say? I'm saying the real monster is cultural ignorance, you self-centred, jingoistic, egotistic, narcissistic idiot.
- Idiot! - Idiot! Idiot! - Idiot! - Idiot! Idiot! - Idiot! - Idiot! - Idiot - Idiot (OVER MEGAPHONE) Whoo! Hey, Ronny Chieng! Sorry, man, just testing this out.
I've got a real big protest this afternoon.
What are you protesting? Hearing? Social justice activism is a very important part of this co-op community.
We're not just here to make money.
Well, that's good because you're not making any.
Where's the self-serve yoghurt? It got compromised.
I had to throw it out.
But I specifically told you not to throw stuff out.
Yeah, but we had a incident where this guy Look, man, Asher said I could trust you.
(SIGHS) Yes.
You can.
That's good.
Because I've got a really important job for you.
It's lunch hour now and I need you to put this on and do some marketing.
What is it? It's our shop logo.
It's a pile of almonds.
Why didn't you just make it one big almond? When you make it a bag of almonds, it looks like someone took a shit in the bag.
Either way, it definitely draws a crowd.
So just put it on and hand out some free almonds.
Yeah.
You know what, Todd? I think I'm going to pass on this one.
Mate, this is not really me asking.
This is kind of an order.
Okay! (MOP CLATTERS) Which way How do you? That's the front.
And then what, go under the bottom? Straight in.
Free sample.
You'd be nuts not to visit the co-op.
Hey.
It's a giant turd in a bag.
I'm actually a pile of almonds in a bag.
Free sample? You'd be nuts not to visit the co-op.
STUDENT: Oi, fuck off, you nut fuck.
(STUDENTS SNIGGER) CRAIG: I mean, I understand that.
I've been ignorant about being ignorant.
I came here trying to experience international culture but really all that was happening was international people were just experiencing my culture.
I mean, I'm the foreigner here.
You know what I mean? Also, why am I trying to cram the entire Asian experience into one day? I should be enjoying the journey, breathing it in, taking my time.
I mean, look at all this authentic Asian stuff.
WOMAN: Actually, bubble tea is from Taiwan, that show's Japanese and I'm from the Philippines.
Asian culture is not a monolith.
So this place really isn't authentic anything.
I am learning so much from you.
Oh (MUTTERS ANGRILY) Urgh! Urgh! TODD: Ronny Chieng.
You look like nobody wants free almonds.
Yeah, because nobody wants free almonds.
Well, the thing is, almonds are a superfood and right now you're really not giving off a super vibe.
Well, maybe it's because I look like a big bag of shit and people think I'm trying to give them smaller pieces of shit.
I'm sensing you're not really enjoying working here.
Oh, really? Maybe you're just not good at following instructions.
I have done everything you asked of me including your personal errands.
And also, are you a front for the Mafia? Because this place is run so badly that is the only explanation I can think of, of why it's still open.
Have you been vaccinated? Because I think you might be autistic.
If you don't like it, you don't have to be here.
- Oh, okay, great.
I'll just go, then.
- Okay.
But seeing as you're filling in for Asher, if you go, I guess that means she goes too.
You know what Todd? That's fine.
I'm sure she can get a better job at a better place that knows how to respect its employees.
Good day to you.
(MOBILE PHONE RINGS) (GRUNTS) - Hello.
- ASHER: Hey, Ronny.
I was just telling Professor Dale how lucky I was you took over my shift because we had a very productive meeting.
Yeah.
Glad I could help.
So, how's your first day of work? You haven't been fired yet, right? (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Yeah.
I technically have not been fired yet.
- But - Oh, great.
I'm glad it's working out.
To be honest, I was genuinely a little worried about you covering for me just because it's really hard to find a job on campus.
Yeah.
But is it really, though? I feel like the economy's booming, plenty of shops opening up.
You know, like the bubble tea place.
Like, lots of other jobs available.
If you actually went to look, I'm sure you could find Maybe, but definitely not on campus.
Everyone wants to work on campus.
I'd hate to work off campus.
Can you just imagine how tough it'd be to do that and make it to class? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, that would be tough.
Yeah, I'm very lucky to get some shifts there.
Okay, I'm coming back right now.
Just hold out a few more minutes.
Bye.
Ha-ha.
Bye.
Shit! Hey, Todd.
Listen, I'm sorry about before.
I shouldn't have quit.
Please don't fire Asher because of me.
I don't know, man.
We are a very socially conscious group here.
And we don't want fuckheads in our group.
I'm not a fuckhead.
I'm sorry.
Please give Asher back this job.
I'll do whatever you want.
That's great to hear.
You know why? That protest I've been talking about all day is going down right now, and we need as many people as we can get.
Oh Okay, well, protesting is actually the one thing I can't do.
It's against my student visa conditions.
What are you worried about? You've got the perfect disguise.
No, it's way too risky.
I could get kicked out of the country.
You know what else is risky? Working illegally on a student visa like you've been doing all day.
Wow.
You are a bigger piece of shit than this costume.
I'm not the one committing visa fraud.
What are we protesting? The bubble tea shop.
We're tired of multinational corporations coming onto this campus, and turning it into a soulless strip mall.
But the bubble tea place is, like, the only Asian dessert place on campus.
Don't you think a bunch of white people protesting it could look bad? Ronny Chieng.
Of course we appreciate how sensitive issues of race can be.
We'll be very respectful.
Okay! I've got the eggs.
Let's bomb these bastards back to where they came from.
- ALL: Yeah! - Ow! - Yeah! - Let's go! ALL: (CHANT) Hey, hey, ho, ho! Multinational corporations have got to go! Hey, hey, ho, ho! Multinational corporations have got to go! Hey, hey, ho, ho! Multinational corporations have got to go! Hey, hey, ho, ho! Multinational corporations What the hell is going on out there? Multinational corporations are a stain on the fabric of this campus! PROTESTERS: Yeah! Do you know how many food miles is chalked up by a single taro taro bubble tea? It's a lot, okay? PROTESTERS: Yeah! Yeah, and everyone who drinks bubble tea is complicit in environmental pollution in the name of corporate greed.
PROTESTERS: Yeah! Everyone start posting now.
Hashtag, #BurstYourBubbleTea.
The first letter of each word is capitalised.
ALL: Hey, hey, ho, ho! Multinational corporations have got to go! Hey, hey, ho, ho! Multinational corporations have got to go! - CRAIG: Hey! - Hey! You're being incredibly intolerant of international I mean, Asian culture.
Stop disrespecting one of the only piazzas of the Asian community! ALL: Boo! - (EGGS THWACK) - PROTESTERS: Boo! (DISTORTED VOICES) Booo! Booooo! Yahh! Huh! Huh! Hah! Huh! Hyeh! Hyah! - Hey, hippies! - PROTESTERS: Huh? Hee-yah! (GRUNTS REPEATEDLY) Is that the best you can do? Yahhh! Yahhh! - (ROARS) - Huh? Huh? Did you know almonds contain healthy fats, fibre, protein, magnesium and vitamin A? No, 'cause they're too dry and they taste like shit! I reduce blood sugar and cholesterol levels and help reduce blood pressure! (LAUGHS MANIACALLY) Huhhh! Huh-yahhhh! Ugh! Not so fast! How about a free taste of my nuts! - Huh? - Argh! Argh! Hyah! Hyah! Huh! Hyah! Hyah! Huh? Self-serve yoghurt blaster! Engage! Nooooo! Arghhh! Argh! What's going on here? Ronny Chieng from International House? Are you participating in a protest? Because that is a direct violation of your international student visa conditions.
Uh no.
I'm just having a fight.
Oh.
Okay, then.
Oh.
Ugh TODD: Ooh, yeah! Looks like our work here is done.
What are you talking about? You all got your arses kicked by one guy.
Yeah! I just got 10 likes in four minutes.
It's official, this protest has gone viral.
PROTESTERS: Yeah! But your protest didn't change a thing.
I just found out that international students aren't allowed to protest.
PROTESTERS: Boo! That's racist, and a direct violation of human rights.
Let's go to the vice-chancellor's office and tell her this is not okay.
PROTESTERS: Yeah! ALL: (CHANT) Hey, hey, ho, ho! International student visa limitations on freedom of speech have got to go! Hey, hey, ho, ho! WOMAN: Give international students a voice! Let their voice be heard! Ronny, what the hell is going on here? Hey, your job sucks! Let their voice be heard! - What?! - I said, man, your job sucks.
I told you it'd be harder than you thought.
But, hey, thank you so much for covering for me.
It was really productive.
- Yeah.
No problem.
Easy.
Anytime.
- (CRAIG GROANS) Oh, my head.
I blacked out.
What happened? What happened? You went ballistic and fought everyone.
With yoghurt.
Oh.
I'm sorry, man.
I was just trying to have an international experience but I drank way too much bubble tea and I think I attacked a bunch of people, so I don't know what I experienced.
Well.
You drank too much and got into a fight.
Mate, it sounds like you just experienced Australian culture.
Oh, yeah.
Cheers, mate.
BOTH: Cheers! (HEAVY METAL RIFF) What is this? Oh, shit, it's some kind of weird old virus.
Trust me, I'll have this fixed in no time.
Ronny! The take-home exam is due at 5pm today! I might go try and get an extension just in case I have to start from scratch.
Military service, jury duty, relationship breakdown Yep.
That.
You'll now need you to provide proof of the relationship and break-up.
Are you serious? - Well, if you're stuck.
- I'm not stuck, I'm still fixing it.
Oh, Ronny, you back for another spanking, huh? Do you like to be spanked, huh? I will straight up pay cash money to anyone who can help me fix this computer.
ALL: (CHANT) Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Uh, I got a problem with this computer.
You've got a friend who's a girl, trying to help her fix her computer.
You think you're gonna get some ass? (LAUGHS) (CAMERA CLICKS)
There's like shit going down here every other day.
Stop cultural appropriation! Stop karaoke night! You've never felt injustice you had to stand up for? Ah, even if I did, I can't do anything about it.
The conditions on my student visa prevent me from participating in political protest.
- No.
That can't be true.
- Yeah, it is.
Wow.
I had no idea you were living under this oppression.
You're living under this oppression too! What do you mean? - You're here on a student visa, right? - Yeah.
So? That means you're an international student.
Yeah, but I'm American, okay? Our rights travel with us.
- No, that that's not how it works.
- MAN: Hey, guys? Guys, can I get you to keep walking 'cause we're just gonna shut down this protest.
Yeah, it's fine.
We're not protesting.
That doesn't matter.
I just need you to move on so we can clear the area.
Or else what? You're going to beat the shit out of us? No.
I'm just asking you to move on, mate.
Look, it's okay.
I'm sorry.
He just doesn't like people telling him what to do.
Yo, I will move when I'm goddamn ready to move and not one second earlier.
Nah, I reckon you'll start moving right now, champ.
Oh, yeah? (PROTESTERS CONTINUE CHANTING) You're just going to stand here all day now? Yeah, you can't let people with no authority push you around.
That's how dictatorships happen.
Okay, Malcolm X, come on.
Let's go before your visa gets cancelled.
Okay, but I'm only moving right now because I choose to, not because I'm following your instructions.
Yeah, whatever, arsehole.
Ronny Chieng: International Student 3x02 "Clash! Ronny vs Instructions! Obey?" June 21, 2017 Oh, hey, look, they opened a bubble tea place right next to where Asher works.
Bubble tea? What the hell is bubble tea? Bubble tea, you never had bubble tea before? No.
What's that floating black shit? It's pearls.
What the fuck, man? Pearls aren't for eating.
They're made of tapioca, you idiot.
Still.
God, it looks like something from Fear Factor.
Do you get that reference? Yeah, no one's asking you to try it, right? No offence, man, it does not look good.
You left America to not experience other cultures, that makes sense.
Are you saying I'm not game to try anything new? Yeah.
I'm saying that drink has more balls than you.
- Hello.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Thanks for stopping by.
Ooh, do you want some raw almonds? No, I'm okay.
Is this a shop or where people dump their used food? Not fancy enough for you? Fancy! It's a hygiene issue.
People gonna eat this, right? As long as I've been here we've never had any complaints.
Maybe because everyone died immediately after eating it.
Why is it so grubby? Oh, my God, look, the fruit, someone took a bite out of this! And why does everything look like it's been dragged through the mud? Because it's farm to table.
More like shit to mouth.
This is where socially conscious people on a budget shop.
Well, why are there no price tags? How do you know how much anything costs? It's pay what you feel.
Pay what you feel? Yeah, we have a donation bowl.
Okay, so your business model is begging.
Got it.
So then why do you even need to be here? It's just a job, Ronny.
Calm down.
(PHONE CHIMES) - Oh, shit.
- What? Totally forgot.
I have a meeting with Professor Dale right now to discuss my last essay.
So, go.
I'll have to tell him I can't make it.
What, because of this? No, no, no, your first job is being a student.
You can't wreck a 100,000 degree to make, like, what, 20 bucks an hour.
15? Coin and half a muffin? Well, then, what are you even doing here? I need this job! You don't work and your parents pay for everything.
I can't do uni work if I'm homeless and starving.
Hang on, hang on, how about I just cover your shift for the day? It's harder than you think.
What if you fuck something up? There is an open vat of self-serve yoghurt with animal hair in it.
I don't think I can fuck it up anymore! All right.
All right.
I got this.
Trust me, I got it.
Go, go, go, go, go.
I'll tell Todd you're covering my shift for me.
Just please don't get me fired.
- Trust me, I got this.
- I'll be back in an hour, tops.
- Take the whole day if you want.
- Well, we'll see about that.
Just stand behind the counter and help customers.
What I can't help customers from the front? Joking, I'm just joking.
See? Behind the counter.
Go.
Go! I got it! (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS RETREAT) (CLEARS THROAT) What is this? What is grass jelly? Red bean? And tea? What the fuck! Oh, hey, Wei Jun! So, what's good here? Ah, bubble tea.
Yeah, right? I'm really up for something exotic today.
I really want to experience some international culture.
What are you having? Ah, taro milk tea with taro pudding.
Yeah.
I'll get one too.
First time for everything, right? Hey, can I get two taro milks? You want pearls? Yeah.
Sure.
You know what? Extra pearls.
Go hard or go home right? Put that shit in! Keep the change.
Thank you.
Cheers, everyone! To international experiences.
- (ENERGETIC MUSIC) - Wait.
What is this taste? It's so creamy but sweet.
And the pearls, chewy and refreshing.
I've never had anything like this before.
It's it's it's amazing! What are you doing?! Get down.
These animals.
Paying for stuff with string.
What the fuck is this? Argh! Oh, sorry, I don't have any spare change but feel free to take whatever rotting fruit you want.
I'm Todd.
Asher told me you were taking over her shift.
Oh.
Todd! Yeah, yeah, yeah, thanks for letting me take over on such short notice.
No problem.
So, what kind of retail experience do you have? Oh, well, I've been in lots of shops and I'm a really quick learner and I'm great at following instructions.
Okay.
How about you start with the produce over here.
Oh, like, stacking it? No, rubbing dirt on it.
People love that organic 'fresh from the ground' feel with their produce.
Okay, uh Here's a crazy suggestion.
I think more people would buy the produce if it looked clean and edible.
Just putting it out there.
Are we gonna have a problem here? Because Asher vouched for you.
No! Yeah.
Of course.
I'm sorry you're right, whatever you want.
I'll rub whatever you want onto anything.
You're in charge.
Hm.
But when you're done with the produce, if you really want to clean something you can deal with the self serve grain station over here.
Oh, you want me to throw that shit out? Yeah.
No problem.
No.
I want you to sort through it.
You want me to You want me to organise the grain? There's, like, a family of mice living in this.
This is a hygiene situation.
You got to throw this out.
I don't want you to throw anything out, okay? So, you want me to sort through this, grain by grain? That's going to take some time.
Yeah, no pain, no grain.
Yo! Could I get a passion fruit popping boba with pearls? Coconut grape jelly, with pearls! Jasmine green milk.
With pearls.
Mmm! Signature frozen hot chocolate.
With pearls.
Grape coconut jelly popping boba.
Huh! Huh! Huh! - You want pearls? - You're reading my mind, man.
Can you please put your shirt back on?! How's it looking, Ronny Chieng? Well, the foxtail millet and the finger millet was a nightmare to separate, but I think I got the rest done.
Nice work.
I've got to split for a bit but while I'm gone, I've got another job for you.
Okay.
It would really help the store if you could hand-wash these bandannas.
Is this personal or work related? Oh, totally work related.
If I have to do it, then I spend less time working in the store.
Okay, well, I don't know if your laundry is in my official job description.
Hey, man, this is what working at a co-op is all about.
Everyone has to play their part.
So, can you play your part or do I need to call Asher and get her back here? - No.
I can do it.
- Thanks, man.
Really means a lot.
(HUFFING AND PUFFING) Ronny! Um, have you got any jerky? I've got a couple of rough units coming round.
We need to stock up.
Ah, if it's not on the shelf we're out.
Oh, damn.
Oh.
I'll get some yoghurt.
(PLASTIC BAG RUSTLES) Uh (SWEAT DRIPS) Is that chewing gum? Yeah, spearmint.
Enjoy.
What are you doing? Guh Oh! Um, do you have a cloth? Or, uh, maybe a hessian sack? I have spilt a significant amount of yoggie on the floor.
Yeah.
You think? You know what? Er, I've got this.
Bit of DIY cleaning and should be Dude, you're just rubbing it into the carpet.
You know, just stop.
Do you have a plastic bag? - Uh, this one's got a hole.
- Stop, man.
Dude, just go.
Just go, man.
Don't worry about it.
- (GRUNTS) - (CLATTERING) Oh! Sorry.
- Let me get - Just get the fuck out! You're a goddamn animal, Mick! Who the fuck eats that much dairy? TELEVISION: Intruder spotted.
Hah! Hyah! What show is this? Initiate fight sequence.
Hee-ya! Hey, does anyone know what show this is? (BOTH GRUNT) Hey! Hey, dumb-ass! Are you talking to me? Yeah, you.
Super dumb-ass.
What the hell do you think you're doing? I'm just chillin'.
And why are you chilling here? Because I'm trying to experience international cultures.
What the hell does that mean? I'm getting to know how international people live.
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
Firstly, why do you keep calling them international? Because they're from other countries.
And where are you from? My country.
Yeah.
Don't you see, you dumb fuck? You're not in your country now.
Therefore What are you trying to say? I'm saying the real monster is cultural ignorance, you self-centred, jingoistic, egotistic, narcissistic idiot.
- Idiot! - Idiot! Idiot! - Idiot! - Idiot! Idiot! - Idiot! - Idiot! - Idiot - Idiot (OVER MEGAPHONE) Whoo! Hey, Ronny Chieng! Sorry, man, just testing this out.
I've got a real big protest this afternoon.
What are you protesting? Hearing? Social justice activism is a very important part of this co-op community.
We're not just here to make money.
Well, that's good because you're not making any.
Where's the self-serve yoghurt? It got compromised.
I had to throw it out.
But I specifically told you not to throw stuff out.
Yeah, but we had a incident where this guy Look, man, Asher said I could trust you.
(SIGHS) Yes.
You can.
That's good.
Because I've got a really important job for you.
It's lunch hour now and I need you to put this on and do some marketing.
What is it? It's our shop logo.
It's a pile of almonds.
Why didn't you just make it one big almond? When you make it a bag of almonds, it looks like someone took a shit in the bag.
Either way, it definitely draws a crowd.
So just put it on and hand out some free almonds.
Yeah.
You know what, Todd? I think I'm going to pass on this one.
Mate, this is not really me asking.
This is kind of an order.
Okay! (MOP CLATTERS) Which way How do you? That's the front.
And then what, go under the bottom? Straight in.
Free sample.
You'd be nuts not to visit the co-op.
Hey.
It's a giant turd in a bag.
I'm actually a pile of almonds in a bag.
Free sample? You'd be nuts not to visit the co-op.
STUDENT: Oi, fuck off, you nut fuck.
(STUDENTS SNIGGER) CRAIG: I mean, I understand that.
I've been ignorant about being ignorant.
I came here trying to experience international culture but really all that was happening was international people were just experiencing my culture.
I mean, I'm the foreigner here.
You know what I mean? Also, why am I trying to cram the entire Asian experience into one day? I should be enjoying the journey, breathing it in, taking my time.
I mean, look at all this authentic Asian stuff.
WOMAN: Actually, bubble tea is from Taiwan, that show's Japanese and I'm from the Philippines.
Asian culture is not a monolith.
So this place really isn't authentic anything.
I am learning so much from you.
Oh (MUTTERS ANGRILY) Urgh! Urgh! TODD: Ronny Chieng.
You look like nobody wants free almonds.
Yeah, because nobody wants free almonds.
Well, the thing is, almonds are a superfood and right now you're really not giving off a super vibe.
Well, maybe it's because I look like a big bag of shit and people think I'm trying to give them smaller pieces of shit.
I'm sensing you're not really enjoying working here.
Oh, really? Maybe you're just not good at following instructions.
I have done everything you asked of me including your personal errands.
And also, are you a front for the Mafia? Because this place is run so badly that is the only explanation I can think of, of why it's still open.
Have you been vaccinated? Because I think you might be autistic.
If you don't like it, you don't have to be here.
- Oh, okay, great.
I'll just go, then.
- Okay.
But seeing as you're filling in for Asher, if you go, I guess that means she goes too.
You know what Todd? That's fine.
I'm sure she can get a better job at a better place that knows how to respect its employees.
Good day to you.
(MOBILE PHONE RINGS) (GRUNTS) - Hello.
- ASHER: Hey, Ronny.
I was just telling Professor Dale how lucky I was you took over my shift because we had a very productive meeting.
Yeah.
Glad I could help.
So, how's your first day of work? You haven't been fired yet, right? (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Yeah.
I technically have not been fired yet.
- But - Oh, great.
I'm glad it's working out.
To be honest, I was genuinely a little worried about you covering for me just because it's really hard to find a job on campus.
Yeah.
But is it really, though? I feel like the economy's booming, plenty of shops opening up.
You know, like the bubble tea place.
Like, lots of other jobs available.
If you actually went to look, I'm sure you could find Maybe, but definitely not on campus.
Everyone wants to work on campus.
I'd hate to work off campus.
Can you just imagine how tough it'd be to do that and make it to class? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, that would be tough.
Yeah, I'm very lucky to get some shifts there.
Okay, I'm coming back right now.
Just hold out a few more minutes.
Bye.
Ha-ha.
Bye.
Shit! Hey, Todd.
Listen, I'm sorry about before.
I shouldn't have quit.
Please don't fire Asher because of me.
I don't know, man.
We are a very socially conscious group here.
And we don't want fuckheads in our group.
I'm not a fuckhead.
I'm sorry.
Please give Asher back this job.
I'll do whatever you want.
That's great to hear.
You know why? That protest I've been talking about all day is going down right now, and we need as many people as we can get.
Oh Okay, well, protesting is actually the one thing I can't do.
It's against my student visa conditions.
What are you worried about? You've got the perfect disguise.
No, it's way too risky.
I could get kicked out of the country.
You know what else is risky? Working illegally on a student visa like you've been doing all day.
Wow.
You are a bigger piece of shit than this costume.
I'm not the one committing visa fraud.
What are we protesting? The bubble tea shop.
We're tired of multinational corporations coming onto this campus, and turning it into a soulless strip mall.
But the bubble tea place is, like, the only Asian dessert place on campus.
Don't you think a bunch of white people protesting it could look bad? Ronny Chieng.
Of course we appreciate how sensitive issues of race can be.
We'll be very respectful.
Okay! I've got the eggs.
Let's bomb these bastards back to where they came from.
- ALL: Yeah! - Ow! - Yeah! - Let's go! ALL: (CHANT) Hey, hey, ho, ho! Multinational corporations have got to go! Hey, hey, ho, ho! Multinational corporations have got to go! Hey, hey, ho, ho! Multinational corporations have got to go! Hey, hey, ho, ho! Multinational corporations What the hell is going on out there? Multinational corporations are a stain on the fabric of this campus! PROTESTERS: Yeah! Do you know how many food miles is chalked up by a single taro taro bubble tea? It's a lot, okay? PROTESTERS: Yeah! Yeah, and everyone who drinks bubble tea is complicit in environmental pollution in the name of corporate greed.
PROTESTERS: Yeah! Everyone start posting now.
Hashtag, #BurstYourBubbleTea.
The first letter of each word is capitalised.
ALL: Hey, hey, ho, ho! Multinational corporations have got to go! Hey, hey, ho, ho! Multinational corporations have got to go! - CRAIG: Hey! - Hey! You're being incredibly intolerant of international I mean, Asian culture.
Stop disrespecting one of the only piazzas of the Asian community! ALL: Boo! - (EGGS THWACK) - PROTESTERS: Boo! (DISTORTED VOICES) Booo! Booooo! Yahh! Huh! Huh! Hah! Huh! Hyeh! Hyah! - Hey, hippies! - PROTESTERS: Huh? Hee-yah! (GRUNTS REPEATEDLY) Is that the best you can do? Yahhh! Yahhh! - (ROARS) - Huh? Huh? Did you know almonds contain healthy fats, fibre, protein, magnesium and vitamin A? No, 'cause they're too dry and they taste like shit! I reduce blood sugar and cholesterol levels and help reduce blood pressure! (LAUGHS MANIACALLY) Huhhh! Huh-yahhhh! Ugh! Not so fast! How about a free taste of my nuts! - Huh? - Argh! Argh! Hyah! Hyah! Huh! Hyah! Hyah! Huh? Self-serve yoghurt blaster! Engage! Nooooo! Arghhh! Argh! What's going on here? Ronny Chieng from International House? Are you participating in a protest? Because that is a direct violation of your international student visa conditions.
Uh no.
I'm just having a fight.
Oh.
Okay, then.
Oh.
Ugh TODD: Ooh, yeah! Looks like our work here is done.
What are you talking about? You all got your arses kicked by one guy.
Yeah! I just got 10 likes in four minutes.
It's official, this protest has gone viral.
PROTESTERS: Yeah! But your protest didn't change a thing.
I just found out that international students aren't allowed to protest.
PROTESTERS: Boo! That's racist, and a direct violation of human rights.
Let's go to the vice-chancellor's office and tell her this is not okay.
PROTESTERS: Yeah! ALL: (CHANT) Hey, hey, ho, ho! International student visa limitations on freedom of speech have got to go! Hey, hey, ho, ho! WOMAN: Give international students a voice! Let their voice be heard! Ronny, what the hell is going on here? Hey, your job sucks! Let their voice be heard! - What?! - I said, man, your job sucks.
I told you it'd be harder than you thought.
But, hey, thank you so much for covering for me.
It was really productive.
- Yeah.
No problem.
Easy.
Anytime.
- (CRAIG GROANS) Oh, my head.
I blacked out.
What happened? What happened? You went ballistic and fought everyone.
With yoghurt.
Oh.
I'm sorry, man.
I was just trying to have an international experience but I drank way too much bubble tea and I think I attacked a bunch of people, so I don't know what I experienced.
Well.
You drank too much and got into a fight.
Mate, it sounds like you just experienced Australian culture.
Oh, yeah.
Cheers, mate.
BOTH: Cheers! (HEAVY METAL RIFF) What is this? Oh, shit, it's some kind of weird old virus.
Trust me, I'll have this fixed in no time.
Ronny! The take-home exam is due at 5pm today! I might go try and get an extension just in case I have to start from scratch.
Military service, jury duty, relationship breakdown Yep.
That.
You'll now need you to provide proof of the relationship and break-up.
Are you serious? - Well, if you're stuck.
- I'm not stuck, I'm still fixing it.
Oh, Ronny, you back for another spanking, huh? Do you like to be spanked, huh? I will straight up pay cash money to anyone who can help me fix this computer.
ALL: (CHANT) Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Uh, I got a problem with this computer.
You've got a friend who's a girl, trying to help her fix her computer.
You think you're gonna get some ass? (LAUGHS) (CAMERA CLICKS)