Ryan Hansen Solves Crimes on Television (2017) s01e03 Episode Script
Joel McHale Is: Ryan Hansen
1 What's crackalackin', fam? [LAUGHS.]
Straight out the gate, I just want to address the elephant in the room or should I say, the penguin on the screen.
Look, our numbers took a little dip last ep, so the big wigs at the network or the studio or URL thought we should try to break into the lucrative Chinese market.
So I'm broadcasting live on China's illest social-media app, Tencent QQ.
So, to all you new Hansen-fansens out there, I just want to say Ni hao! [LAUGHS.]
Are you kidding me with that shit? - Wha - I'm from fucking Long Beach, you bigot.
Oh, no, dude, I wasn't speaking Chinese to you because I thought you were Asian? Um, I'm streaming live on QQ.
It's the top social-media app in China.
- Oh, word? - Yeah! - Okay? - Okay! [LAUGHS.]
Nice, dude.
Sweet! Thanks, bro.
Oh, excuse me.
Hey, how's it going? Hey.
Do you have a reservation? Uh, I'm Ryan Hansen.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay.
Um I'm not seeing anything.
I'm Ryan Hansen.
You're saying it like it's "Phillippe" or "Lochte.
" [CHUCKLES.]
I could put you down on the list.
It wouldn't take longer than an hour and a half.
Phillippe? Seriously? - Later, bro.
- Dumbass.
Like I was saying, for some unknown reason, our numbers haven't been, you know, as killer as expected, so the head honchos at YTR wanted to make some changes to the show you know, do a little recasting.
Look, Mathers was a great partner.
I learned a lot from her.
She'll be missed, but it is all part of the biz.
You got to move on.
So, hey, I am so stoked to meet my new partner.
Hoo-hoo! [SIREN WAILING.]
I'm no referee, but for these three it's "Game over.
" Wow.
You really know your police work.
Oh, come on! Give me a break! How am I the one recast? What are you doing? You're not supposed to be here.
Uh, actually, I am.
My agents negot'd a deal that I get to appear in every episode, regardless of my role.
This ain't their first rodeo.
Meaning you've been recast before? What? No.
What [SCOFFS.]
Whatever.
Stop.
Look at me beat cop number 1? This is kind of a waste of my talents, don't you think? Look at these pants.
They're not even slim, let alone skinny.
They might even be boot-cut.
Ugh! God.
Oh! This is bullshit.
"Solving Crimes with Joel McHale?" Ooh! Like that's a bigger draw? Please.
Oh, uh, no, he's not playing Joel McHale.
He's playing Ryan.
I got you a doughnut, too.
[SIGHS.]
Thank you, dude.
This has become an emergency cheat day.
Hey.
Those are for me, bro.
No, they're for me, bro.
They're for him.
Frank, you said "Ryan.
" Yeah.
That's my name Ryan Hansen.
- But you probably already know that.
- [MATHERS LAUGHS.]
Wait he's playing me? This makes no sense.
Audiences will know that Joel McHale is not Ryan Hansen.
No.
Nobody knows who Ryan Hansen is.
- I'm Ryan Hansen.
- [CHUCKLES.]
He's going method.
Knock it off, dude.
You are not Joaquin Phoenix, 'kay? Oh.
Dude, I'm so sorry.
I I just want to do your talents justice.
Were you not feeling that last take? I was trying to channel my inner Hansen.
I've studied all your work.
I have watched a ton of the short-lived "Bad Teacher" TV series and the short-lived "Bad Judge" TV series.
Wait you were in a show called "Bad Teacher" and one called "Bad Judge"? And "Bad Santa 2.
" And "Bad Santa" also? No, "Bad Santa 2," the sequel.
It's just like the first one, only badder.
Such fearless and honest performances.
Now, I would love to hear your notes if I'm not capturing an authentic Hansen.
Damn it! I got no notes! You killed it, man.
Man.
That's a true Hansen fansen right there.
Or is it just "fansen"? Is that catchier? Ooh.
Uh look.
He's the only one allowed to talk directly to camera now.
Look, I am sorry, okay? I I know this is hard, but it's out of my hands.
It was the network's I mean, website's call.
Dude, I am happy to share my perks with you my fourth-wall breaking, my trailer, my Vitamix.
You got a trailer?! Oh, my God! I've been doing a quick change in the back of a PA's Rav4.
[SCOFFS.]
They said I couldn't have one for budget.
They cut a lot for budget.
It's weird, though, because YouTube's owned by Google, so you'd figure they'd have a lot more money.
Hey, um what's a Vitamix? [LAUGHS.]
She's from Cleveland.
[GAGS, LAUGHS.]
[AS LEBRON JAMES.]
Cleveland, this is for you! No way! That was the best Lebron I've ever heard! Oh, my God! Have you done that before? Oh, I rehearse it almost every night.
- Yeah? - I'm a big fan of his, and Guys.
Guys, look at me.
Lebron.
No form of ID on any of them? Fingerprints came back without a match, too.
Whoa.
Those are crazy dope.
Unreleased Pantone sample in Blue Camo.
Never seen these IRL.
I think I know what we need to do next.
I work with the sickest sneaker broker, Jonathan Sneakz.
Maybe he can shed some light on this thing for us.
Wait how do you know about Sneakz? That is my sneaker broker.
I told you method.
He's just a few blocks up the street, on Fairfax.
- [SIGHS.]
- All right, let's walk.
[LAUGHTER.]
BOTH: Walk to the car.
Wow.
[LAUGHS.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
He's good.
Hey, can I ride with you? Deleted my Uber account when that was trending 'cause I'm politically aware and stuff.
Not, like, one of those actors who's annoying about it.
Just enough so that people are like, "Wow.
I didn't realize he was so woke.
That's rad.
- [CELLPHONE BUZZES.]
- I like him even more now.
" I don't know.
You're pretty annoying.
Childish Gambino blowing you up? Hey, let him know I'm tech avail to guest on "Atlanta.
" Nah, it's just my agent.
Wait your agent texts you? Yeah, they're dying for me to take this dumb role in an even dumber movie.
Spade's cabana boy in Sandler's new Netflix movie? Samesies.
No Aaron Burr, "Hamilton: American Vengeance.
" It's so stupid There's no songs, there's white guys playing white guys, and I don't want to start getting typecast as just a government employee.
I mean, with this and my role as FBI Special Agent Bob Herndon in "The Informant!" it's not for me.
Yeah, "Hamilton's," like, box-office poison, right? I would def not do that if I was you.
Wait isn't that Hey, should we get going? The whole point of having a sneaker broker is so you don't have to camp out for new releases, like amateurs.
- Fuck you.
- Oh, come on, guys.
You know actors don't do lines.
Unless they're lines of cocaine.
[LAUGHS.]
"Lines of cocaine" so good.
Not so good.
It's, like, medium good.
Yeah, medium good's not a thing.
The word you're looking for is "mediocre.
" You're mediocre.
Not the one who got recast.
Oh, burn! Up top.
Attagirl.
He's even allowed to sexually harass you?! It's not harassment.
It's called "chemistry.
" [BELLS JINGLE.]
Hansen.
We looking at sneakers or buying a pastry? RYAN AND JOEL: Like I'd eat carbs on a weekday.
Bro, wow.
Just wow.
[LAUGHS.]
The greatest director I ever worked with said, "No matter how shitty a role may seem, if you give an honest performance, you might make something beautiful.
" Amazing.
Soderbergh? No, better MacFarlane, "Ted," highest-grossing comedy of all time.
It's not a big deal.
Okay, so, who is this guy? Jonathan Sneakz, sneaker broker to the stars.
Started buying up all these limited-edition Jordans when he was 13 with his bar mitzvah money, but the game has changed.
Nowadays, they drop only a limited number of dope kicks online, and they sell out in minutes.
So Sneakz had to take it to the next level.
He learned how to code and created bots to snatch up all the new releases like Broderick in "WarGames," but, you know, higher stakes.
He can get you any shoe you want, if you're willing to pay.
He's, like, the most powerful shoe broker on the planet though I hear the Chinese have some very good ones, too.
Notice how all of this has been one interrupted take? It's like some "True Detective" shit, right? Season 1, of course.
Eat your heart out, Cary Fukunaga.
Cary's not untalented, but any discussion of oners begins and ends with De Palma.
Scors Palma.
De Palma, of course.
Man, we have, like, the same brain.
I got goose bumps.
Want to feel my arm? Seriously.
[LAUGHS.]
All right.
It's a secret knock.
Allow me.
[KNOCKS RHYTHMICALLY.]
- IDs.
- Yep.
Right here.
Why do you have to be 21 to buy sneakers? Nah, girl, you got to be under 40.
Can't have my fresh-ass kicks wasted on some stale-ass feet.
Imagine if somebody saw DiCaprio rockin' my German Camo Air Max 1s on his old-ass, 42-year-old feet.
I'd be laughed out the game.
Come on in.
Handsome Hansen, what's good, baby? [LAUGHS.]
Grinding, chasing that paper, keeping it 100, swaggin' on 'em.
You know how we do.
I'm sorry who is this? What you think? This is my Sneak EZ.
I'm Jonathan Sneakz, AKA J-Sneazy, AKA Jonathan Fire Kicks, AKA Triple B.
G.
Triple B.
G.
? Yeah I'm a gangsta, and bidness be boomin'.
Oh, my Go Holy shit! This is $800?! Yeah, you got a good eye.
Those are mad cheap, right? I mean, I got so many of them, I'm pretty much just giving them away.
Hey, how much for just the left one? Boss.
Can't let "The Soup" over here in.
Homie's 45.
Thanks for watching.
Hey, sorry, dawg.
Got mad love for your work, but rules be the rules.
I'm actually not here as A-list actor Joel McHale.
I'm Ryan Hansen, character actor and enlistee of the Thespian Gumshoe Interdisciplinary Force, or TGIF.
Mm, I don't know.
I think we should stick with "CVS.
" I mean, TGIF is a restaurant.
I think people would get confused.
I don't know what y'all sayin'.
You know what I'm sayin'? I'm Detective Mathers, and this is my partner, Ryan Hansen.
Partner? Just like that? Seriously? We're cops.
We'd like to ask you a few questions.
We got a runner! And you get a gun on your first day? Seriously? Oh, these are so dope! Oh! Dude! Sorry.
Hero instinct.
God.
Clooney! [GRUNTS.]
Ohh! Dude, seriously, how did you get a gun? With criminals like this running around the 323? How could I not have one? That's what I've been saying.
Yeah, but when you say it, you sound like an idiot.
I can't believe y'all shot me! I'm gonna get so much street cred for this.
Your rugged Pacific Northwestern looks aren't gonna get you out of this one.
You just shot this place to shit and put a bullet in a minor.
Captain Jackson is really gonna enjoy eating your ass out.
[CHUCKLES.]
What? Hansen.
Stand up.
I'm not talking to you.
Respectfully, sir, this just makes no sense.
Having two different actors play the same character? I mean, that would be like if we had a bunch of different actors playing Captain Jackson.
You think it's some kind of joke? That all black people look alike? No.
This is a commentary and a criticism on the roles that older black actors are being offered.
There's no character development, no home life, no wife, just a type angry black captain.
As if all captains are black and angry.
Is that okay with you?! No more than okay.
I'm all about it.
Black actor lives matter.
Like I was saying earlier Hansen, stand your ass up.
'Cause I want to shake your hand on a job well done.
You nailed that suspect.
Wha He shot a minor in the leg.
Hey, Captain, who brought the narc? [LAUGHTER.]
That's not even funny.
It's stupid.
Get the hell out of my office, beat cop! - Now! - [SIGHS.]
You're a very handsome man.
That's true.
- [KICKS DOOR.]
- What [GLASS SQUEAKS.]
[SIGHS.]
So, what's your real name, kid? Obviously, your real last name isn't Sneakz.
Damn.
Busted.
My real last name is Sneakbinowitz.
Nobody keeps a Jewish last name in this town, unless you're a writer.
Huh.
What an interesting nugget of But we have three dead bodies, God damn it.
And it's gonna be four, unless you start talking! Now, we thought you'd be able to help us identify these victims, but now that you ran, you're starting to seem like a suspect.
Triple homicide is a pretty serious offense.
Homicide? [LAUGHS.]
No.
Y'all had me trippin' for a second.
Excuse me.
Is there something funny, Carrot Top? No, see, like, back in the day, you know, when I was just a young pup in the game like, three years ago, before bidness be boomin' I may have sold some fake J's to someone.
I thought that's why you guys were after me.
That's why I ran.
Nobody gives a shit about fake fucking Jordans.
Yeah, tell that to Jerry Ferrara.
Sorry.
Did you say something about Turtle? Um look, kid, we know these shoes were bought from you, all right? You must keep a record of your sales.
First things first you tell us who these guys are.
I can't tell you that.
Why the fuck not? Whoa! Slow-slow, kiddo.
You know-know you don't fuck with the po-po.
Right-right? I can't give up the names of my clientele.
Their anonymity is crucial to my bidness which, in case y'all ain't heard, be boomin'.
I lose they trust, I lose my bidness.
There is no "D" in "business"! Now, give us the names! Shoot me.
I don't care.
I'm a living legend.
Living legends never die.
Do not shoot him.
[GROANS.]
Hey, man, that was some inspiring work in there.
I mean, your bad cop was pitch-perfect.
Would have broken me.
Thanks, man, but I can't take credit.
I'm gonna tell you a secret that MacFarlane shared with me during one of his TED Talks.
"The only form of communication more powerful than singing is yelling.
" That is so fucking smart.
Wow.
Wait I didn't know MacFarlane did a TED Talk.
Oh, that's what he called everything he said on the set of "Ted.
" The title is just coincidental to the lecture series.
Mm.
Hey, Mathers, let me take a shot in there.
Huh? For old times' sake? Come on.
I don't know about a beat cop interrogating a suspect.
But why the fuck not? Yes! - Hey, bud.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
You don't feel like talking.
I totally get it.
It's just me Handsome Hansen.
[CHUCKLES.]
Bro, I never thought you were handsome.
Just kind of rhymes with "Hansen.
" You're like the generic version of an actual handsome person.
I ain't telling you shit.
[CHUCKLES.]
He's just showing off.
He obviously thinks I'm handsome.
I'll get him to break.
Check this out.
Bro! You almost spilled that on my fuckin' J's! Are you serious with that shit?! Dude, I'm so sorry.
I got some J's, too.
I totally get it, okay? It's happened to me.
Let's get a paper towel, huh? Wait.
Wait.
Wha So, you don't like coffee spilled on your tennis shoes, huh? Nah, it's whatever.
I got a dude down in Crenshaw.
He can buff that out in five minutes, so fresh and so clean.
Okay.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Chill! Don't play, yo! Wait! All right! I'll talk! I'll talk! I was just about to do that.
Just kind of beat me to it.
All right, so, these cats' names are Tim Stenta, Rich Levine, and Adam Watkins.
Dude on the right, I sold shoes to, but these aren't them.
He's wearing re-released Jordan 1 mids.
All right, you could cop those at any Foot Locker.
I sold this dude super-rare coke-white Yeezys.
All right, so your killer must have tooken the shoes off of him and replaced them with his own kicks.
Why would anyone steal just one pair of valuable shoes to sell and leave two other valuable pairs? He didn't steal the shoes to sell them.
He stole them to wear them.
What? To go to the biggest Ho To go to the biggest party in Hollywood Donald Faison's 38th birthday, super white pool party at his house in the Hills today.
Where else is he gonna wear those shoes? Wait, you're telling me someone would commit murder to wear these sneakers at a party? - You're telling me I wasn't invited to that party? - [DOOR OPENS.]
Hey, guys, I got the cause of death.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Thanks, but it doesn't really seem relevant to the episode at this point.
Kind of missed our moment.
Well, I mean, she already spoke, so we've got to pay her for the day.
You might as well go ahead and tell us.
Yeah, that's not how my job works.
I'm on an annual government salary.
But anyway, there was a flurry of precise swirling kicks to their legs and knees and then a round of elbow strikes and head-strike counterattacks and, finally, an overzealous aú fechado, causing fatal blunt-force trauma, actually.
Wow.
It really feels like we could have used a flashback right there.
We must be using one later.
Foreshadowing.
[LAUGHS.]
Right? Our guy will be wearing these.
JOEL: Those really are killer shoes.
[LAUGHS.]
Good one, partner.
Why do they call them "Yeezys"? Well, Yeezy or Yeezus, as Kanye West named himself and his seventh album, following "Watch the" Look, I need an hour to explain this.
Just remember that we are deep undercover and no one can know we're cops.
We don't want to spook the killer.
All right.
How am I gonna get in here? You're gonna go undercover as my plus-one.
I'm gonna go undercover as Joel McHale.
Getting a little confused here.
Ah, Mr.
McHale.
So happy you were able to make it.
I know Donald's really looking forward to seeing you.
I'm Orson, his assistant.
Orson, hi.
This is my plus-one.
Oh.
Okay.
I thought maybe you'd bring Alison Brie or, uh Jillian Jacobs.
It's "Gillian," with a hard "G," damn it! - Wow.
- Sorry.
"Community's" my favorite show.
I even stuck with it when it was on Yahoo! Well, why wouldn't you? Watching something on a website is just like watching it on regular TV.
Okay.
Well, uh, you two enjoy the party.
And don't forget today's hashtag is #ADonaldWeCanCelebrate.
Then, of course, Yeezus, which rhymes with "Jesus," which he says in one of the songs, "I Am a God.
" Jesus said he is God, so there is a difference there.
Then, he married Kim Kardashian, they had two babies.
One's named North, the other, South.
We got to find those shoes.
RYAN: They're gonna be late.
If you are rockin' kicks that fashionable, you're gonna show up very fashionably late.
What are you doing here? Bro, I'm so sorry you had to go back to being a cater waiter.
I knew things were rough.
I didn't know they were this rough.
And you gained a lot of weight.
Maybe you should have taken that Sandler movie.
Guys, I'm not a real waiter, okay? There was no beat cop in this scene, so I'm a background artist.
Oh.
That's, like, your thing being a cater waiter extra, like you were on "Party Down.
" Dude, I was a series reg in that, thank you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I only saw the first two seasons.
That's all there were.
Geez.
Hey, not to be a dick, but didn't we say that this was a super white party? That's not even a funny joke.
It's just racist.
And it doesn't even make sense.
There are a lot of other people of color at this party.
Look her, him, that dude, them, the host.
Are you just so blinded by your white privilege that you don't even see people who aren't white? Whoa! Consider that speech for your consideration, Emmy voters.
That's not what I meant.
I just meant it's a super white party, and you're wearing a combination of ecru and eggshell.
Super white is way brighter.
I wasn't gonna say anything, but the extra's right.
You stick out like a sore thumb.
[SIGHS.]
Damn it.
Hansen! Ah.
He means me.
Run this up to Mr.
Faison.
Hey, is there anybody else that can do it? I don't want him to see me like this.
- Now, Hansen.
- [SIGHS.]
No small parts just small actors.
This way.
Excuse me.
Ken Marino looks terrible.
Put some on the nips, nips, keep that shit tizz-ight Put it on the face What up, what up?! - [LAUGHS.]
- Who the Oh, shit! Ryan Hansen? What the fuck are you wearing? You You went back to cater waitering, man? No, I Oh, my God, that's so sad.
Orson.
Head up.
- Mm.
- Take a look at this shit.
This man right here is a living cautionary tale.
It's exactly like we were talking about.
This industry is brutal chews you up, spits you out, leaves you with less than nothing! How you doing, man? Uh oh, good.
So good.
Actually, I'm not really, um See, we're doing a "Party Down" reunion pretty soon here.
- Ah.
- So I took a couple catering gigs, get back into character, probably do a little method stuff, which is cool, so Oh, no, no.
I have somebody that does that for me.
Orson, please my drink.
Thank you very much.
Hey, man, I'm-a keep it 100 with you.
I loved "Party Down.
" I loved it so much.
I really feel like STARZ should have stuck with it.
They should have stuck with it.
That cast was amazing.
You, Adam, Lizzy What the fuck are you doing?! I told you to lint-roll that shit against the stitch, didn't I? Are you a motherfucking moron?! - I thought you said you went to Harvard! - Uh, yeah.
Well, Harvard this, motherfucker! Yeah! So sorry you had to see that shit.
Pick it up and bring it over here! I'm so sorry you had to see that, man.
That's just Get the fuck out of here! It's just that, nowadays, it's so hard to find good assistants in Hollywood.
- Totally.
- Everybody's trying to be the next CaCee Cobb.
I'm telling them, "You're never gonna be" Wait a second.
You want to work for me? - What? - You looking for a job? We could work together, man.
You could be my next assistant.
Yeah, no, I, um Thank you.
I already have a job, um, solving Well, I got recast in this thing Okay.
This place is rad.
- Wow, it's like - It is rad.
so much better than your old place.
Those "Scrubs" resids must be really piling up, right? You got that doctor dough, eh, Brown Bear? - [CHUCKLES.]
- Hey, hold up, man.
I'm not just some TV icon who starred on a 17-time Emmy-nominated Peabody Award-winning, nine-season-running, critically acclaimed small-screen masterpiece, now.
Right.
I spit on TV syndication money.
I'm a motherfucking movie star.
- [SCOFFS.]
- I'm the whole reason why "Clueless" is a modern-day classic.
Matter of fact, I still go to the motherfucking chiropractor because I carried that whole thing on my back.
"Clueless" the movie or the TV show? Come on, man.
Don't disrespect me.
"Clueless" the movie.
- But you were in both, right? - Yeah, I was in both.
But I was also in "Remember the Titans.
" I was the male lead in "Remember the Titans"! - Mm - Okay, fine! I was the black male lead in "Remember the Titans.
" With Denzel Washington? With Donald Fucking Faison! And I was the black male lead in "Pitch Perfect"! Yeah, that makes sense.
Yeah.
You see what I'm saying?! So, don't ever fucking come up in here again and say, "Yo, but you 'Scrubs, ' did the money " - Fuck that shit! I'm a movie star! - Sorry.
Hey, I did I really didn't mean to come in here and be, like, "Scrubs" Yo, hey, I'm sorry, guy, but, uh, you're not supposed to mention his TV past.
He's got a thing about that, okay? So What the fuck did you just say? What the fuck did you just say?! Don't bring up the what because I got a what?! Fuck you, Orson! - Fuck you! - Ow! Look what you made me do.
Look at that right there.
Wow.
You made me spill my drink, Orson.
Now I need another one four ice cubes.
Go get me that shit right now.
But before you go, come clean this shit up.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
Orson, where's my motherfucking drink? I told you to get me a motherfucking drink.
Where's my motherfucking drink? Clean this shit up, man! I told you to clean this shit up! Where the fuck is my drink at, huh? Where the Come back here and clean this shit up! Hey, man, I said I wanted another one! DJ Khaled, bitch! [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS, INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Shit.
- [SIGHS.]
- No luck here.
MAN: Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in wishing a very happy 38th birthday to international movie icon Donald Faison! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
What's happening, y'all? Yeah! Put a brother down.
There it is.
Welcome to my all-white party.
If you made it here today, it's because you all white with me! Ha ha! Oh, my God! Are those the Yeezys? Donald Faison is the murderer? But why would he have to kill for shoes? He must be so rich from "Scrubs" and "Remember the Titans.
" It doesn't add up.
RYAN: No, this doesn't add up.
He was using Dr.
Perricone's anti-wrinkle cream.
I saw an actual book on his bed with paper pages.
And I saw on his laptop that he had scheduled a prostate exam.
- So? - So it's common knowledge that Dr.
Perricone doesn't recommend using the cream until you're over 40.
And I remember going to Donald's 30th birthday at Winston's, but that was, like, in 2004.
So that would make him - 43.
- 43, yeah.
Wait but the Internet Movie Database website says he's only 39.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Nobody puts their real age on IMDb, partner.
It's a database of lies.
So if he's over 40, he can't buy from Jonathan Sneakz, and this is his super white party, right? So he was desperate for those shoes.
Seriously? The black guy is the criminal? - [SIGHS.]
- Come on.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, what's happening, Joel McHale? I'm Ryan Hansen.
And you're under arrest for triple homicide.
What? Ow! And I'm not Joel McHale's plus-one.
I'm Detective Mathers.
What the fuck? Joel, you kinda Hey, Kyle Bradway! Is this part of the "Party Down" reunion show? 'Cause this shit is stupid, man! What the fuck? Y'all trying to O.
J.
me? Y'all trying to motherfuckin' O.
J.
me, huh?! Shut up! Somebody call Bob Shapiro! Wait why would Donald buy his own Yeezys? No celebrity does anything for themselves, right? They make their assistants do it.
Tracy Anderson, don't fail me now! [BOTH GASP.]
Hey! Hey! [GUESTS GASPING.]
Excuse me! Coming through! Catering emergency! Sorry.
Excuse me.
[GROANS.]
Joel! Your gun! Joel McHale! Hansen! Can I have your gun? You bet.
You've earned it.
Freeze! CV I mean, TGIF! - [HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM.]
- Ooh.
What the fuck?! I spent the last of my "Scrubs" bucks on that car! Ow! Waiter gun.
What the fuck?! Huh?! I told you to fuckin' get me Yeezys, not fuckin' murder three people! Look, I took the note behind the note, okay? I mean, I couldn't get into the Sneak EZ, either.
It's by appointment only, and those things are harder to snag than a table at Bestia before 10:00 p.
m.
, right? A-a-a-and here's the thing I mean, you're always just screaming at me and, like, throwing assorted remotes at me, even when I do exactly what you ask me to do.
And so I knew I knew that if I didn't get you the shoes that you wanted, then you would never write me a good referral, and I would never move ahead in my career! And I just heard that Zach Braff's assistant gig is opening up.
Fuck triple homicide.
This motherfucker deserves the death penalty for thinking that Zach Braff is a step up from me! But why'd you have to kill all three of them? Because I went to Harvard, Joel.
I'm not dumb enough to leave witnesses.
MATHERS: And how did you do it? Are you some sort of martial-arts expert? RYAN: Oh, no, we're way too late in the episode for that kind of exposition, Mathers.
Nobody cares.
[CHUCKLES.]
It almost feels like you just asked the question to address a producer's note.
But you are def going away for the rest of your life, Orson.
Yeah, looks like orange is the new white.
[LAUGHTER.]
That's pretty good.
- Oh! - Yeah! - [SIREN WAILING.]
- What? I don't get it.
I cannot believe we were able to afford this crazy house in the Hills and a crane shot in one episode.
It's not a very high crane.
It's more like a jib arm.
What's a jib arm? [LAUGHTER.]
JOEL: Plus, I don't think it's gonna be that long of a sho [SITCOM INTERLUDE PLAYS.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Daddy! Hi, girls.
Your muscles feel stronger.
Yeah.
And I don't even juice.
Your jawline looks stronger, too.
Nordic heritage, girl.
[LAUGHTER.]
[AUDIENCE "OOH" S.]
[LAUGHS.]
Mommy's excited to see you, too.
[LAUGHTER.]
Ooh! Sorry, honey.
I know it always startles you when I go for the back door.
[CHUCKLES.]
Aw, dang it! I can't believe I blew my entrance line.
I'm so stupid! [LAUGHTER.]
[CELLPHONE RINGS.]
Hey.
Really? Ugh.
I don't know.
It's such a dumb idea for a movie.
Wow.
Yeah, that is an insane amount of money.
Uggggh! Okay.
Fine.
I'll do it.
Guys, I got to go.
I just took the role of white Aaron Burr in Pete Berg's "Hamilton: American Vengeance.
" I didn't want to do it, but they were offering F.
U.
money.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Well, I guess this is goodbye.
- Don't leave! - No! Stay! No, it's okay.
Hey, look a kitten.
[LAUGHTER.]
[APPLAUSE.]
Whoa.
What happened? Is everyone okay? You guys look like someone died.
Oh, my God.
Did somebody die? No even worse.
Joel McHale has left the show.
God damn it! Are you fucking kidding me?! [LAUGHTER.]
Hey! I'm right here.
[LAUGHTER.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Hey, what's up? I'm Ryan Hansen, auditioning for the role of Oh! Do I really have to say it? Fuck.
This is so unchill.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
auditioning for the role of Ryan Hansen.
MAN: Okay.
You ready to start? [SIGHS.]
Let's do this.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Come on, Hansen.
Don't fuck this up, like you always do.
Whoa.
Hey.
I thought you had the first line.
Sorry.
I do.
That is my line.
That's in the script.
Oh.
I see that now.
My bad.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hansen, what the fuck are you doing? Let's go! Geez, dude, give me a second.
I'm just trying to find my cue.
No.
That's in the script again.
That was your cue.
Okay.
Good note.
Thank you.
Got it.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
"Four dead bodies, all strangled at the zoo Eeny, Meeny, Miny, and Moe.
Looks like this tiger caught 'em all by the throa t.
" [SIGHS.]
I don't know, Ryan.
No, I think your line is, um, actually "Shut up, Hansen!" No, that's me talking.
Listen, really great choices.
I'm just not sure I'm believing you as Ryan Hansen.
Not a fansen of that take.
Totally fine.
I can throw a little more Ryan-isms in there.
I'll give you, um "Cuckoo!" Your brains, madam.
Uggggh!
Straight out the gate, I just want to address the elephant in the room or should I say, the penguin on the screen.
Look, our numbers took a little dip last ep, so the big wigs at the network or the studio or URL thought we should try to break into the lucrative Chinese market.
So I'm broadcasting live on China's illest social-media app, Tencent QQ.
So, to all you new Hansen-fansens out there, I just want to say Ni hao! [LAUGHS.]
Are you kidding me with that shit? - Wha - I'm from fucking Long Beach, you bigot.
Oh, no, dude, I wasn't speaking Chinese to you because I thought you were Asian? Um, I'm streaming live on QQ.
It's the top social-media app in China.
- Oh, word? - Yeah! - Okay? - Okay! [LAUGHS.]
Nice, dude.
Sweet! Thanks, bro.
Oh, excuse me.
Hey, how's it going? Hey.
Do you have a reservation? Uh, I'm Ryan Hansen.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay.
Um I'm not seeing anything.
I'm Ryan Hansen.
You're saying it like it's "Phillippe" or "Lochte.
" [CHUCKLES.]
I could put you down on the list.
It wouldn't take longer than an hour and a half.
Phillippe? Seriously? - Later, bro.
- Dumbass.
Like I was saying, for some unknown reason, our numbers haven't been, you know, as killer as expected, so the head honchos at YTR wanted to make some changes to the show you know, do a little recasting.
Look, Mathers was a great partner.
I learned a lot from her.
She'll be missed, but it is all part of the biz.
You got to move on.
So, hey, I am so stoked to meet my new partner.
Hoo-hoo! [SIREN WAILING.]
I'm no referee, but for these three it's "Game over.
" Wow.
You really know your police work.
Oh, come on! Give me a break! How am I the one recast? What are you doing? You're not supposed to be here.
Uh, actually, I am.
My agents negot'd a deal that I get to appear in every episode, regardless of my role.
This ain't their first rodeo.
Meaning you've been recast before? What? No.
What [SCOFFS.]
Whatever.
Stop.
Look at me beat cop number 1? This is kind of a waste of my talents, don't you think? Look at these pants.
They're not even slim, let alone skinny.
They might even be boot-cut.
Ugh! God.
Oh! This is bullshit.
"Solving Crimes with Joel McHale?" Ooh! Like that's a bigger draw? Please.
Oh, uh, no, he's not playing Joel McHale.
He's playing Ryan.
I got you a doughnut, too.
[SIGHS.]
Thank you, dude.
This has become an emergency cheat day.
Hey.
Those are for me, bro.
No, they're for me, bro.
They're for him.
Frank, you said "Ryan.
" Yeah.
That's my name Ryan Hansen.
- But you probably already know that.
- [MATHERS LAUGHS.]
Wait he's playing me? This makes no sense.
Audiences will know that Joel McHale is not Ryan Hansen.
No.
Nobody knows who Ryan Hansen is.
- I'm Ryan Hansen.
- [CHUCKLES.]
He's going method.
Knock it off, dude.
You are not Joaquin Phoenix, 'kay? Oh.
Dude, I'm so sorry.
I I just want to do your talents justice.
Were you not feeling that last take? I was trying to channel my inner Hansen.
I've studied all your work.
I have watched a ton of the short-lived "Bad Teacher" TV series and the short-lived "Bad Judge" TV series.
Wait you were in a show called "Bad Teacher" and one called "Bad Judge"? And "Bad Santa 2.
" And "Bad Santa" also? No, "Bad Santa 2," the sequel.
It's just like the first one, only badder.
Such fearless and honest performances.
Now, I would love to hear your notes if I'm not capturing an authentic Hansen.
Damn it! I got no notes! You killed it, man.
Man.
That's a true Hansen fansen right there.
Or is it just "fansen"? Is that catchier? Ooh.
Uh look.
He's the only one allowed to talk directly to camera now.
Look, I am sorry, okay? I I know this is hard, but it's out of my hands.
It was the network's I mean, website's call.
Dude, I am happy to share my perks with you my fourth-wall breaking, my trailer, my Vitamix.
You got a trailer?! Oh, my God! I've been doing a quick change in the back of a PA's Rav4.
[SCOFFS.]
They said I couldn't have one for budget.
They cut a lot for budget.
It's weird, though, because YouTube's owned by Google, so you'd figure they'd have a lot more money.
Hey, um what's a Vitamix? [LAUGHS.]
She's from Cleveland.
[GAGS, LAUGHS.]
[AS LEBRON JAMES.]
Cleveland, this is for you! No way! That was the best Lebron I've ever heard! Oh, my God! Have you done that before? Oh, I rehearse it almost every night.
- Yeah? - I'm a big fan of his, and Guys.
Guys, look at me.
Lebron.
No form of ID on any of them? Fingerprints came back without a match, too.
Whoa.
Those are crazy dope.
Unreleased Pantone sample in Blue Camo.
Never seen these IRL.
I think I know what we need to do next.
I work with the sickest sneaker broker, Jonathan Sneakz.
Maybe he can shed some light on this thing for us.
Wait how do you know about Sneakz? That is my sneaker broker.
I told you method.
He's just a few blocks up the street, on Fairfax.
- [SIGHS.]
- All right, let's walk.
[LAUGHTER.]
BOTH: Walk to the car.
Wow.
[LAUGHS.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
He's good.
Hey, can I ride with you? Deleted my Uber account when that was trending 'cause I'm politically aware and stuff.
Not, like, one of those actors who's annoying about it.
Just enough so that people are like, "Wow.
I didn't realize he was so woke.
That's rad.
- [CELLPHONE BUZZES.]
- I like him even more now.
" I don't know.
You're pretty annoying.
Childish Gambino blowing you up? Hey, let him know I'm tech avail to guest on "Atlanta.
" Nah, it's just my agent.
Wait your agent texts you? Yeah, they're dying for me to take this dumb role in an even dumber movie.
Spade's cabana boy in Sandler's new Netflix movie? Samesies.
No Aaron Burr, "Hamilton: American Vengeance.
" It's so stupid There's no songs, there's white guys playing white guys, and I don't want to start getting typecast as just a government employee.
I mean, with this and my role as FBI Special Agent Bob Herndon in "The Informant!" it's not for me.
Yeah, "Hamilton's," like, box-office poison, right? I would def not do that if I was you.
Wait isn't that Hey, should we get going? The whole point of having a sneaker broker is so you don't have to camp out for new releases, like amateurs.
- Fuck you.
- Oh, come on, guys.
You know actors don't do lines.
Unless they're lines of cocaine.
[LAUGHS.]
"Lines of cocaine" so good.
Not so good.
It's, like, medium good.
Yeah, medium good's not a thing.
The word you're looking for is "mediocre.
" You're mediocre.
Not the one who got recast.
Oh, burn! Up top.
Attagirl.
He's even allowed to sexually harass you?! It's not harassment.
It's called "chemistry.
" [BELLS JINGLE.]
Hansen.
We looking at sneakers or buying a pastry? RYAN AND JOEL: Like I'd eat carbs on a weekday.
Bro, wow.
Just wow.
[LAUGHS.]
The greatest director I ever worked with said, "No matter how shitty a role may seem, if you give an honest performance, you might make something beautiful.
" Amazing.
Soderbergh? No, better MacFarlane, "Ted," highest-grossing comedy of all time.
It's not a big deal.
Okay, so, who is this guy? Jonathan Sneakz, sneaker broker to the stars.
Started buying up all these limited-edition Jordans when he was 13 with his bar mitzvah money, but the game has changed.
Nowadays, they drop only a limited number of dope kicks online, and they sell out in minutes.
So Sneakz had to take it to the next level.
He learned how to code and created bots to snatch up all the new releases like Broderick in "WarGames," but, you know, higher stakes.
He can get you any shoe you want, if you're willing to pay.
He's, like, the most powerful shoe broker on the planet though I hear the Chinese have some very good ones, too.
Notice how all of this has been one interrupted take? It's like some "True Detective" shit, right? Season 1, of course.
Eat your heart out, Cary Fukunaga.
Cary's not untalented, but any discussion of oners begins and ends with De Palma.
Scors Palma.
De Palma, of course.
Man, we have, like, the same brain.
I got goose bumps.
Want to feel my arm? Seriously.
[LAUGHS.]
All right.
It's a secret knock.
Allow me.
[KNOCKS RHYTHMICALLY.]
- IDs.
- Yep.
Right here.
Why do you have to be 21 to buy sneakers? Nah, girl, you got to be under 40.
Can't have my fresh-ass kicks wasted on some stale-ass feet.
Imagine if somebody saw DiCaprio rockin' my German Camo Air Max 1s on his old-ass, 42-year-old feet.
I'd be laughed out the game.
Come on in.
Handsome Hansen, what's good, baby? [LAUGHS.]
Grinding, chasing that paper, keeping it 100, swaggin' on 'em.
You know how we do.
I'm sorry who is this? What you think? This is my Sneak EZ.
I'm Jonathan Sneakz, AKA J-Sneazy, AKA Jonathan Fire Kicks, AKA Triple B.
G.
Triple B.
G.
? Yeah I'm a gangsta, and bidness be boomin'.
Oh, my Go Holy shit! This is $800?! Yeah, you got a good eye.
Those are mad cheap, right? I mean, I got so many of them, I'm pretty much just giving them away.
Hey, how much for just the left one? Boss.
Can't let "The Soup" over here in.
Homie's 45.
Thanks for watching.
Hey, sorry, dawg.
Got mad love for your work, but rules be the rules.
I'm actually not here as A-list actor Joel McHale.
I'm Ryan Hansen, character actor and enlistee of the Thespian Gumshoe Interdisciplinary Force, or TGIF.
Mm, I don't know.
I think we should stick with "CVS.
" I mean, TGIF is a restaurant.
I think people would get confused.
I don't know what y'all sayin'.
You know what I'm sayin'? I'm Detective Mathers, and this is my partner, Ryan Hansen.
Partner? Just like that? Seriously? We're cops.
We'd like to ask you a few questions.
We got a runner! And you get a gun on your first day? Seriously? Oh, these are so dope! Oh! Dude! Sorry.
Hero instinct.
God.
Clooney! [GRUNTS.]
Ohh! Dude, seriously, how did you get a gun? With criminals like this running around the 323? How could I not have one? That's what I've been saying.
Yeah, but when you say it, you sound like an idiot.
I can't believe y'all shot me! I'm gonna get so much street cred for this.
Your rugged Pacific Northwestern looks aren't gonna get you out of this one.
You just shot this place to shit and put a bullet in a minor.
Captain Jackson is really gonna enjoy eating your ass out.
[CHUCKLES.]
What? Hansen.
Stand up.
I'm not talking to you.
Respectfully, sir, this just makes no sense.
Having two different actors play the same character? I mean, that would be like if we had a bunch of different actors playing Captain Jackson.
You think it's some kind of joke? That all black people look alike? No.
This is a commentary and a criticism on the roles that older black actors are being offered.
There's no character development, no home life, no wife, just a type angry black captain.
As if all captains are black and angry.
Is that okay with you?! No more than okay.
I'm all about it.
Black actor lives matter.
Like I was saying earlier Hansen, stand your ass up.
'Cause I want to shake your hand on a job well done.
You nailed that suspect.
Wha He shot a minor in the leg.
Hey, Captain, who brought the narc? [LAUGHTER.]
That's not even funny.
It's stupid.
Get the hell out of my office, beat cop! - Now! - [SIGHS.]
You're a very handsome man.
That's true.
- [KICKS DOOR.]
- What [GLASS SQUEAKS.]
[SIGHS.]
So, what's your real name, kid? Obviously, your real last name isn't Sneakz.
Damn.
Busted.
My real last name is Sneakbinowitz.
Nobody keeps a Jewish last name in this town, unless you're a writer.
Huh.
What an interesting nugget of But we have three dead bodies, God damn it.
And it's gonna be four, unless you start talking! Now, we thought you'd be able to help us identify these victims, but now that you ran, you're starting to seem like a suspect.
Triple homicide is a pretty serious offense.
Homicide? [LAUGHS.]
No.
Y'all had me trippin' for a second.
Excuse me.
Is there something funny, Carrot Top? No, see, like, back in the day, you know, when I was just a young pup in the game like, three years ago, before bidness be boomin' I may have sold some fake J's to someone.
I thought that's why you guys were after me.
That's why I ran.
Nobody gives a shit about fake fucking Jordans.
Yeah, tell that to Jerry Ferrara.
Sorry.
Did you say something about Turtle? Um look, kid, we know these shoes were bought from you, all right? You must keep a record of your sales.
First things first you tell us who these guys are.
I can't tell you that.
Why the fuck not? Whoa! Slow-slow, kiddo.
You know-know you don't fuck with the po-po.
Right-right? I can't give up the names of my clientele.
Their anonymity is crucial to my bidness which, in case y'all ain't heard, be boomin'.
I lose they trust, I lose my bidness.
There is no "D" in "business"! Now, give us the names! Shoot me.
I don't care.
I'm a living legend.
Living legends never die.
Do not shoot him.
[GROANS.]
Hey, man, that was some inspiring work in there.
I mean, your bad cop was pitch-perfect.
Would have broken me.
Thanks, man, but I can't take credit.
I'm gonna tell you a secret that MacFarlane shared with me during one of his TED Talks.
"The only form of communication more powerful than singing is yelling.
" That is so fucking smart.
Wow.
Wait I didn't know MacFarlane did a TED Talk.
Oh, that's what he called everything he said on the set of "Ted.
" The title is just coincidental to the lecture series.
Mm.
Hey, Mathers, let me take a shot in there.
Huh? For old times' sake? Come on.
I don't know about a beat cop interrogating a suspect.
But why the fuck not? Yes! - Hey, bud.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
You don't feel like talking.
I totally get it.
It's just me Handsome Hansen.
[CHUCKLES.]
Bro, I never thought you were handsome.
Just kind of rhymes with "Hansen.
" You're like the generic version of an actual handsome person.
I ain't telling you shit.
[CHUCKLES.]
He's just showing off.
He obviously thinks I'm handsome.
I'll get him to break.
Check this out.
Bro! You almost spilled that on my fuckin' J's! Are you serious with that shit?! Dude, I'm so sorry.
I got some J's, too.
I totally get it, okay? It's happened to me.
Let's get a paper towel, huh? Wait.
Wait.
Wha So, you don't like coffee spilled on your tennis shoes, huh? Nah, it's whatever.
I got a dude down in Crenshaw.
He can buff that out in five minutes, so fresh and so clean.
Okay.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Chill! Don't play, yo! Wait! All right! I'll talk! I'll talk! I was just about to do that.
Just kind of beat me to it.
All right, so, these cats' names are Tim Stenta, Rich Levine, and Adam Watkins.
Dude on the right, I sold shoes to, but these aren't them.
He's wearing re-released Jordan 1 mids.
All right, you could cop those at any Foot Locker.
I sold this dude super-rare coke-white Yeezys.
All right, so your killer must have tooken the shoes off of him and replaced them with his own kicks.
Why would anyone steal just one pair of valuable shoes to sell and leave two other valuable pairs? He didn't steal the shoes to sell them.
He stole them to wear them.
What? To go to the biggest Ho To go to the biggest party in Hollywood Donald Faison's 38th birthday, super white pool party at his house in the Hills today.
Where else is he gonna wear those shoes? Wait, you're telling me someone would commit murder to wear these sneakers at a party? - You're telling me I wasn't invited to that party? - [DOOR OPENS.]
Hey, guys, I got the cause of death.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Thanks, but it doesn't really seem relevant to the episode at this point.
Kind of missed our moment.
Well, I mean, she already spoke, so we've got to pay her for the day.
You might as well go ahead and tell us.
Yeah, that's not how my job works.
I'm on an annual government salary.
But anyway, there was a flurry of precise swirling kicks to their legs and knees and then a round of elbow strikes and head-strike counterattacks and, finally, an overzealous aú fechado, causing fatal blunt-force trauma, actually.
Wow.
It really feels like we could have used a flashback right there.
We must be using one later.
Foreshadowing.
[LAUGHS.]
Right? Our guy will be wearing these.
JOEL: Those really are killer shoes.
[LAUGHS.]
Good one, partner.
Why do they call them "Yeezys"? Well, Yeezy or Yeezus, as Kanye West named himself and his seventh album, following "Watch the" Look, I need an hour to explain this.
Just remember that we are deep undercover and no one can know we're cops.
We don't want to spook the killer.
All right.
How am I gonna get in here? You're gonna go undercover as my plus-one.
I'm gonna go undercover as Joel McHale.
Getting a little confused here.
Ah, Mr.
McHale.
So happy you were able to make it.
I know Donald's really looking forward to seeing you.
I'm Orson, his assistant.
Orson, hi.
This is my plus-one.
Oh.
Okay.
I thought maybe you'd bring Alison Brie or, uh Jillian Jacobs.
It's "Gillian," with a hard "G," damn it! - Wow.
- Sorry.
"Community's" my favorite show.
I even stuck with it when it was on Yahoo! Well, why wouldn't you? Watching something on a website is just like watching it on regular TV.
Okay.
Well, uh, you two enjoy the party.
And don't forget today's hashtag is #ADonaldWeCanCelebrate.
Then, of course, Yeezus, which rhymes with "Jesus," which he says in one of the songs, "I Am a God.
" Jesus said he is God, so there is a difference there.
Then, he married Kim Kardashian, they had two babies.
One's named North, the other, South.
We got to find those shoes.
RYAN: They're gonna be late.
If you are rockin' kicks that fashionable, you're gonna show up very fashionably late.
What are you doing here? Bro, I'm so sorry you had to go back to being a cater waiter.
I knew things were rough.
I didn't know they were this rough.
And you gained a lot of weight.
Maybe you should have taken that Sandler movie.
Guys, I'm not a real waiter, okay? There was no beat cop in this scene, so I'm a background artist.
Oh.
That's, like, your thing being a cater waiter extra, like you were on "Party Down.
" Dude, I was a series reg in that, thank you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I only saw the first two seasons.
That's all there were.
Geez.
Hey, not to be a dick, but didn't we say that this was a super white party? That's not even a funny joke.
It's just racist.
And it doesn't even make sense.
There are a lot of other people of color at this party.
Look her, him, that dude, them, the host.
Are you just so blinded by your white privilege that you don't even see people who aren't white? Whoa! Consider that speech for your consideration, Emmy voters.
That's not what I meant.
I just meant it's a super white party, and you're wearing a combination of ecru and eggshell.
Super white is way brighter.
I wasn't gonna say anything, but the extra's right.
You stick out like a sore thumb.
[SIGHS.]
Damn it.
Hansen! Ah.
He means me.
Run this up to Mr.
Faison.
Hey, is there anybody else that can do it? I don't want him to see me like this.
- Now, Hansen.
- [SIGHS.]
No small parts just small actors.
This way.
Excuse me.
Ken Marino looks terrible.
Put some on the nips, nips, keep that shit tizz-ight Put it on the face What up, what up?! - [LAUGHS.]
- Who the Oh, shit! Ryan Hansen? What the fuck are you wearing? You You went back to cater waitering, man? No, I Oh, my God, that's so sad.
Orson.
Head up.
- Mm.
- Take a look at this shit.
This man right here is a living cautionary tale.
It's exactly like we were talking about.
This industry is brutal chews you up, spits you out, leaves you with less than nothing! How you doing, man? Uh oh, good.
So good.
Actually, I'm not really, um See, we're doing a "Party Down" reunion pretty soon here.
- Ah.
- So I took a couple catering gigs, get back into character, probably do a little method stuff, which is cool, so Oh, no, no.
I have somebody that does that for me.
Orson, please my drink.
Thank you very much.
Hey, man, I'm-a keep it 100 with you.
I loved "Party Down.
" I loved it so much.
I really feel like STARZ should have stuck with it.
They should have stuck with it.
That cast was amazing.
You, Adam, Lizzy What the fuck are you doing?! I told you to lint-roll that shit against the stitch, didn't I? Are you a motherfucking moron?! - I thought you said you went to Harvard! - Uh, yeah.
Well, Harvard this, motherfucker! Yeah! So sorry you had to see that shit.
Pick it up and bring it over here! I'm so sorry you had to see that, man.
That's just Get the fuck out of here! It's just that, nowadays, it's so hard to find good assistants in Hollywood.
- Totally.
- Everybody's trying to be the next CaCee Cobb.
I'm telling them, "You're never gonna be" Wait a second.
You want to work for me? - What? - You looking for a job? We could work together, man.
You could be my next assistant.
Yeah, no, I, um Thank you.
I already have a job, um, solving Well, I got recast in this thing Okay.
This place is rad.
- Wow, it's like - It is rad.
so much better than your old place.
Those "Scrubs" resids must be really piling up, right? You got that doctor dough, eh, Brown Bear? - [CHUCKLES.]
- Hey, hold up, man.
I'm not just some TV icon who starred on a 17-time Emmy-nominated Peabody Award-winning, nine-season-running, critically acclaimed small-screen masterpiece, now.
Right.
I spit on TV syndication money.
I'm a motherfucking movie star.
- [SCOFFS.]
- I'm the whole reason why "Clueless" is a modern-day classic.
Matter of fact, I still go to the motherfucking chiropractor because I carried that whole thing on my back.
"Clueless" the movie or the TV show? Come on, man.
Don't disrespect me.
"Clueless" the movie.
- But you were in both, right? - Yeah, I was in both.
But I was also in "Remember the Titans.
" I was the male lead in "Remember the Titans"! - Mm - Okay, fine! I was the black male lead in "Remember the Titans.
" With Denzel Washington? With Donald Fucking Faison! And I was the black male lead in "Pitch Perfect"! Yeah, that makes sense.
Yeah.
You see what I'm saying?! So, don't ever fucking come up in here again and say, "Yo, but you 'Scrubs, ' did the money " - Fuck that shit! I'm a movie star! - Sorry.
Hey, I did I really didn't mean to come in here and be, like, "Scrubs" Yo, hey, I'm sorry, guy, but, uh, you're not supposed to mention his TV past.
He's got a thing about that, okay? So What the fuck did you just say? What the fuck did you just say?! Don't bring up the what because I got a what?! Fuck you, Orson! - Fuck you! - Ow! Look what you made me do.
Look at that right there.
Wow.
You made me spill my drink, Orson.
Now I need another one four ice cubes.
Go get me that shit right now.
But before you go, come clean this shit up.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
Orson, where's my motherfucking drink? I told you to get me a motherfucking drink.
Where's my motherfucking drink? Clean this shit up, man! I told you to clean this shit up! Where the fuck is my drink at, huh? Where the Come back here and clean this shit up! Hey, man, I said I wanted another one! DJ Khaled, bitch! [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS, INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Shit.
- [SIGHS.]
- No luck here.
MAN: Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in wishing a very happy 38th birthday to international movie icon Donald Faison! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
What's happening, y'all? Yeah! Put a brother down.
There it is.
Welcome to my all-white party.
If you made it here today, it's because you all white with me! Ha ha! Oh, my God! Are those the Yeezys? Donald Faison is the murderer? But why would he have to kill for shoes? He must be so rich from "Scrubs" and "Remember the Titans.
" It doesn't add up.
RYAN: No, this doesn't add up.
He was using Dr.
Perricone's anti-wrinkle cream.
I saw an actual book on his bed with paper pages.
And I saw on his laptop that he had scheduled a prostate exam.
- So? - So it's common knowledge that Dr.
Perricone doesn't recommend using the cream until you're over 40.
And I remember going to Donald's 30th birthday at Winston's, but that was, like, in 2004.
So that would make him - 43.
- 43, yeah.
Wait but the Internet Movie Database website says he's only 39.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Nobody puts their real age on IMDb, partner.
It's a database of lies.
So if he's over 40, he can't buy from Jonathan Sneakz, and this is his super white party, right? So he was desperate for those shoes.
Seriously? The black guy is the criminal? - [SIGHS.]
- Come on.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, what's happening, Joel McHale? I'm Ryan Hansen.
And you're under arrest for triple homicide.
What? Ow! And I'm not Joel McHale's plus-one.
I'm Detective Mathers.
What the fuck? Joel, you kinda Hey, Kyle Bradway! Is this part of the "Party Down" reunion show? 'Cause this shit is stupid, man! What the fuck? Y'all trying to O.
J.
me? Y'all trying to motherfuckin' O.
J.
me, huh?! Shut up! Somebody call Bob Shapiro! Wait why would Donald buy his own Yeezys? No celebrity does anything for themselves, right? They make their assistants do it.
Tracy Anderson, don't fail me now! [BOTH GASP.]
Hey! Hey! [GUESTS GASPING.]
Excuse me! Coming through! Catering emergency! Sorry.
Excuse me.
[GROANS.]
Joel! Your gun! Joel McHale! Hansen! Can I have your gun? You bet.
You've earned it.
Freeze! CV I mean, TGIF! - [HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM.]
- Ooh.
What the fuck?! I spent the last of my "Scrubs" bucks on that car! Ow! Waiter gun.
What the fuck?! Huh?! I told you to fuckin' get me Yeezys, not fuckin' murder three people! Look, I took the note behind the note, okay? I mean, I couldn't get into the Sneak EZ, either.
It's by appointment only, and those things are harder to snag than a table at Bestia before 10:00 p.
m.
, right? A-a-a-and here's the thing I mean, you're always just screaming at me and, like, throwing assorted remotes at me, even when I do exactly what you ask me to do.
And so I knew I knew that if I didn't get you the shoes that you wanted, then you would never write me a good referral, and I would never move ahead in my career! And I just heard that Zach Braff's assistant gig is opening up.
Fuck triple homicide.
This motherfucker deserves the death penalty for thinking that Zach Braff is a step up from me! But why'd you have to kill all three of them? Because I went to Harvard, Joel.
I'm not dumb enough to leave witnesses.
MATHERS: And how did you do it? Are you some sort of martial-arts expert? RYAN: Oh, no, we're way too late in the episode for that kind of exposition, Mathers.
Nobody cares.
[CHUCKLES.]
It almost feels like you just asked the question to address a producer's note.
But you are def going away for the rest of your life, Orson.
Yeah, looks like orange is the new white.
[LAUGHTER.]
That's pretty good.
- Oh! - Yeah! - [SIREN WAILING.]
- What? I don't get it.
I cannot believe we were able to afford this crazy house in the Hills and a crane shot in one episode.
It's not a very high crane.
It's more like a jib arm.
What's a jib arm? [LAUGHTER.]
JOEL: Plus, I don't think it's gonna be that long of a sho [SITCOM INTERLUDE PLAYS.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Daddy! Hi, girls.
Your muscles feel stronger.
Yeah.
And I don't even juice.
Your jawline looks stronger, too.
Nordic heritage, girl.
[LAUGHTER.]
[AUDIENCE "OOH" S.]
[LAUGHS.]
Mommy's excited to see you, too.
[LAUGHTER.]
Ooh! Sorry, honey.
I know it always startles you when I go for the back door.
[CHUCKLES.]
Aw, dang it! I can't believe I blew my entrance line.
I'm so stupid! [LAUGHTER.]
[CELLPHONE RINGS.]
Hey.
Really? Ugh.
I don't know.
It's such a dumb idea for a movie.
Wow.
Yeah, that is an insane amount of money.
Uggggh! Okay.
Fine.
I'll do it.
Guys, I got to go.
I just took the role of white Aaron Burr in Pete Berg's "Hamilton: American Vengeance.
" I didn't want to do it, but they were offering F.
U.
money.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Well, I guess this is goodbye.
- Don't leave! - No! Stay! No, it's okay.
Hey, look a kitten.
[LAUGHTER.]
[APPLAUSE.]
Whoa.
What happened? Is everyone okay? You guys look like someone died.
Oh, my God.
Did somebody die? No even worse.
Joel McHale has left the show.
God damn it! Are you fucking kidding me?! [LAUGHTER.]
Hey! I'm right here.
[LAUGHTER.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Hey, what's up? I'm Ryan Hansen, auditioning for the role of Oh! Do I really have to say it? Fuck.
This is so unchill.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
auditioning for the role of Ryan Hansen.
MAN: Okay.
You ready to start? [SIGHS.]
Let's do this.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Come on, Hansen.
Don't fuck this up, like you always do.
Whoa.
Hey.
I thought you had the first line.
Sorry.
I do.
That is my line.
That's in the script.
Oh.
I see that now.
My bad.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hansen, what the fuck are you doing? Let's go! Geez, dude, give me a second.
I'm just trying to find my cue.
No.
That's in the script again.
That was your cue.
Okay.
Good note.
Thank you.
Got it.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
"Four dead bodies, all strangled at the zoo Eeny, Meeny, Miny, and Moe.
Looks like this tiger caught 'em all by the throa t.
" [SIGHS.]
I don't know, Ryan.
No, I think your line is, um, actually "Shut up, Hansen!" No, that's me talking.
Listen, really great choices.
I'm just not sure I'm believing you as Ryan Hansen.
Not a fansen of that take.
Totally fine.
I can throw a little more Ryan-isms in there.
I'll give you, um "Cuckoo!" Your brains, madam.
Uggggh!