Sabrina The Teenage Witch s01e03 Episode Script

I need a piece of sky, with a smidge of smoke, and a slightly bulbous doohickey.
Here you go.
You know, it's funny.
But when you live a thousand years, jigsaw puZZles don't seem like such a waste of time.
Hey, I'm home.
Wow.
You guys haven't moved since I left this morning.
- Hi, Sabrina.
How was school? - Great.
Libby dropped her tray at lunch for the third day in a row.
I'm getting really good at that.
Yes! Now you can read "Hindenburg.
" There's nothing in the freeZer.
We're all out of ice cream.
Aren't you forgetting something? I know.
I'm not supposed to eat sweets before dinner.
No.
We're witches.
Dig in.
- Cool.
You want some? - Of course.
And you shouldn't eat sweets before dinner.
I've got to get better at this magic.
Rollerblades.
Why can't I find a spell for Rollerblades? Salem, help me.
It's like you don't care.
SALEM: Oh, I care.
I care deeply about your-- What was it? Rollerblades.
SALEM: Did you check under sporting goods? "Sporting events.
To win, lose, or tie.
" That's all you have to do to influence the game? Easy.
SALEM: Don't mess around with that, unless you give me time to call my bookie.
Here we go.
"Sporting goods.
" They have in-line skates.
Okay, I need an old shoebox.
"A gift from a quick-footed animal.
" SALEM: Ow! That wasn't a gift.
Okay, here goes.
Come on, Rollerblades.
Yes.
It worked.
I made "Rollerblahs"? Sabrina, you want breakfast? - No, thanks.
I'll be out "Rollerblahing.
" - What's wrong? SALEM: She wanted in-line skates, but she wanted a brand name.
Oh, you can't do that.
We have strict copyright laws ever since the '70s when witches way overdid the Gucci.
You can still get decent knockoffs from the Hong Kong witches.
I don't care about labels.
"Rollerblahs" aren't the same.
I mean, even the kid on the box isn't having any fun.
Well, then there's only one thing to do.
You'll buy me Rollerblades? No.
You'll get a job like the rest of us.
"Babysitter needed.
Triplets.
" It's been up there for years.
Oh here's one.
"Earn money watching TV.
" Hey, that was mine.
You've got to be more aggressive in this job market.
Oh, here's another babysitting job, and just one kid.
And I'm very responsible, and I love children.
I even was one.
- Tonight, can you start tonight? - Tonight? I guess I could.
Not so fast.
You're gonna fall down, honey.
No, this is great.
I really appreciate this.
My husband and I never get out.
Oh, I really should get to class.
Wait.
Don't go, please? I need adult conversation.
What's happening in the world? Look, I'll see you tonight, and in the meantime, you can watch MTV news.
POOL: Now, cells reproduce by mitosis.
Thank you for joining us, Miss Spellman.
I was just about to tell the class what mitosis is.
Do you know? It's a science thing? Listen closely.
You just might learn something.
Mitosis is a process in which And there you have it in a Zygote.
[BELL RINGS.]
All right, since we covered so much material today, I'm gonna move the test up to tomorrow.
Have fun studying.
But Mr.
Pool, tonight's game four of the World Series.
No, really? Well, since I'll be stuck here hosting parents' night, I guess we'll all be missing the series together.
Vindictive? Perhaps.
But it's what gets me through the day.
Hey, Sabrina.
My hand kind of cramped up after "mitosis is," so I was wondering if maybe we could get together and study tonight? You and me? That's what we means.
Yeah, sure.
Oh, wait, I can't.
I'm babysitting tonight.
But I bet you could come over.
They're desperate.
- So cool? - Yeah, cool.
Cool.
Hilda, hurry up, we've got to go.
SALEM: I still don't understand why I can't go to parents' night with you.
Because, Salem, it's weird enough that we're two sisters who live together in an old Victorian house.
If we show up with a cat, we cross the line into Looneyville.
Zelda, feel my head.
I think I have a fever.
I can't go to school.
It's just parents' night.
But I hate school.
Oh, my stomach hurts.
Oh, grow up.
And don't try making it snow.
Hey, it just started snowing, and it's really coming down.
Hilda.
Okay, okay.
It's stopped.
There.
No one was hurt.
[TYRES SCREECHING.]
- Well, I'm off to my job.
- You're all dressed up.
Yeah, well, I wanted to make a good impression on the baby.
And Harvey's gonna be there.
ZELDA: Oh.
- Don't "oh.
" We have a study date.
HILDA: Uh-huh.
- Don't "uh-huh.
" We have a test.
SALEM: Uh-huh.
- Don't you start.
Look, it's no big deal.
I mean, Harvey could have asked anyone to study with him.
Of course, he did ask me.
Gotta go.
[HILDA GROANS.]
- His "babas" are in the fridge.
- Fridge, "baba.
" Got it.
And I'm so sorry there's not much food for you and your friend Harvey to snack on.
I'll be able to whip something up.
Let's go.
Now, if he gets fussy or anything, just try reading him "Goodnight Moon.
" And also, you'll always get a big smile out of him, if you call him Rudy KaZootie, or more formally, Mr.
KaZootie.
- Honey.
- Okay, there's his baby monitor.
And here are his cookies.
See why we have to get out? We won't be late.
And you call if you need anything.
I guess you'll need this.
So, Mr.
KaZootie, what should we play first? CraZy Eights? - Hi, you found it.
- Yep.
Should have said it was the house with the flying duck on the mailbox.
You really notice mailboxes, don't you? Yeah.
So how's the babysitting? Excellent.
The baby's asleep, so it's just the two of us.
Not that I planned it, it's just, you know, the baby was really tired, so-- Hey, look, they've got a TV.
Yeah, I bet the World Series would look great on that.
But I came here to study.
Right.
So let's study.
Except my notes aren't very good.
Oh, we can work off of my notes.
Okay.
Mitosis is-- Mitosis is-- You know, studying makes me hungry.
Yeah, me too.
I'll go see what I can dig up.
I found all kinds of great stuff.
It's not brand name, but I'm sure it tastes fine.
"Shmickers"? "N&N's"? "Butterthumb"? Where do these people shop? I don't know.
But if you're thirsty, there's "Popsi.
" - Do they have Yoo-hoo? - No, but they have "Hey, Over Here.
" I think I'll just have a diet "Popsi.
" - So should we get back to studying? - Yeah.
Mitosis is-- [BABY CRYING ON BABY MONITOR.]
Baby needs me.
Be right back.
[TV TURNS ON.]
Rudy, it's okay.
Look, your favourite book, "Goodnight Moon.
" "Hello, moon.
Goodnight, moon.
" That was a good book, huh? Come on, Rudy, be a pal.
Harvey and I have a study date.
Don't "oh" or "uh-huh.
" Though, I do sort of think he's cute and-- I don't know why I'm telling you, but enjoy your book.
MAN [ON TV.]
: And another quiet inning comes to an end.
The baby's fine.
I was just checking the score.
You're really into baseball, huh? Yeah, but sports aren't my only interest.
I don't tell a lot of people this, but someday, I wanna be a dentist.
A dentist? That's great.
Who doesn't love the dentist? And I've noticed you have really good teeth.
- I do? - Yeah.
But that's not a professional opinion.
It's just me.
[BABY CRYING ON BABY MONITOR.]
Excuse me.
I've gotta go to work.
MAN [ON TV.]
: And welcome back to the World Series.
Oh, it's okay, Mr.
KaZootie.
Come here.
Don't be sad.
Come here.
Big boys don't cry.
Come on, be a big boy.
Be a big boy.
Be a big boy.
That's better.
MAN: We go to the bottom of the 9th, and a yawner.
Somebody do something.
Well, the baby's got his bottle now.
Shall we get back to "mitosis is"? Yeah, right.
I mean, the test is tomorrow.
I really gotta focus.
Mitosis is-- [THUMPING.]
- What was that? - Better go check the baby.
I'm coming, Rudy.
What happened? Oh, my God.
Rudy, is that you? Ba-ba.
Mr.
KaZootie.
[LAUGHING.]
What have I done? Oh, I am in so much trouble.
- I broke the baby.
- Ba-ba.
We have to undo this.
Okay.
- Pesto change-o, go back to normal - Ba-ba.
- Go back to normal - Ba-ba.
Oh, that's not even close.
Here's your "baba.
" Oh, this is so creepy.
We've gotta get help.
- "Bankie.
" - Keep "bankie" until you're dressed.
- Hey, Sabrina, you need some help? - No, everything is fine.
Why don't you watch the game? It's one strike from the end, unless this guy knocks one out, it's over.
Hey, look.
MAN [ON TV.]
: It's a home run.
Unbelievable.
Folks, we're going into extra innings.
- You could help a little.
Ow! - Nose.
That's not helping.
Okay, there.
Now, just don't spit up on your dad's suit jacket, okay? Go.
- Up.
Up.
- You've gotta be kidding me.
[PHONE RINGS.]
I gotta get the phone.
Did she answer yet? Am I talking? Oh, hi, Sabrina.
Yeah, it's Jerry, Rudy's dad.
Is he okay? Ask her if he's okay.
I know what to ask.
Is he okay? Yeah.
Rudy's having a real good time.
He's riding his banana right now.
How's your dinner? - They were a little late in seating us.
- Really? But since we got a table, they've been rushing the heck out of us.
Oh, don't let them.
You're there to relax.
Take all the time you want.
Well, that's very sweet of you, Sabrina.
Well, we were just checking in, so we'll see you soon.
Hm? Okay, not too soon.
Right.
Bye.
See, everything's fine.
I'm sorry.
It's just been such a weird day.
I mean, you almost went off the road in that freak snowstorm.
And now I just have the funniest feeling.
Stop with the feelings.
Harvey, I'm going to walk the baby.
You stay here and watch the game, okay? Okay.
But it's almost over.
Only a grand slam will tie it.
MAN: --deep right field.
He got a hold of that one.
It's up.
It's hanging there.
It could be.
It might be.
It's a grand slam.
All right.
There's magic in the air.
Welcome, parents.
I'm Mr.
Pool.
You may look at me, a man in his prime, and wonder: "Why is he teaching high school biology?" Well, it's because I believe that science is the foundation upon which we build our future.
That and I tanked my MCATs.
Mr.
Pool is cute.
You have got to get out more.
- I wonder if he's single.
- Excuse me.
Is there something you would like to share with the class? I need to go to the nurse.
Is there a problem, Mrs.
Spellman? - Yes, my tummy-- - No, she's fine.
And it's Miss Spellman.
- Who are you? - Oh, I'm also Miss Spellman.
We're Sabrina's aunts.
Sisters.
Not an alternative couple.
- So you're single? - Yes.
- And you? - Extremely.
Now I really am gonna throw up.
RUDY: La-la-la-la.
Okay, just sit here.
Here.
You can read your book.
Or just chew on it.
SALEM: Yes.
Yes! - Salem, what are you doing? SALEM: Uh-- Nothing.
- It looks like you're playing with yarn.
SALEM: I have urges, Sabrina.
Look, can we deal with your issues later? - I've got a bigger problem.
SALEM: My yarn.
Okay, now, what do I do about this? SALEM: Dear Lord, you picked up a guy at the bus station.
No.
It's the baby I'm babysitting for.
He's 14 months old.
Something happened to him.
SALEM: Do I smell teen witchery? - Salem, you've gotta help me.
Change him back before his parents get home and prosecute.
SALEM: What do you want me to do? I'm a cat.
Go talk to your aunts.
They're at my school.
I can't bring him there.
- Can you watch him? SALEM: I suppose.
Thanks.
I owe you one.
Horsey.
Ride horsey.
SALEM: Get him off of me.
Get him off of me! What an amusing Erlenmeyer flask story, Mr.
Pool.
Really? I've told it a thousand times.
No one's ever gotten it.
Fools.
You know, we should exchange e-mail.
What's your address? Me? I'm on Quick Net.
My screen name is Biostud.
You're Biostud? I'm Chemkitten.
Oh, didn't we meet in a chat room and discuss polyvinyl chloride? Yes.
And you are very naughty.
Well L-O-S-E-R.
Loser.
[CHALK CLACKING.]
- Hey, Sabrina.
- Sabrina? - What are you doing at parents' night? - Nothing.
Oh, I see you brought your father.
- Moon.
- Don't play with that.
Dad.
It's nice to meet you, Mr.
Spellman.
Mr.
Spellman? Actually, he likes to be called Mr.
KaZootie.
Mr.
KaZootie? - That's our real name.
It's Scottish.
- I'm Scottish too.
And I know not of the clan KaZootie.
Be you a highlander? Oh, we're lowlanders.
Yeah.
Is your dad okay, Sabrina? [WATCH BEEPING.]
Darn.
I gotta go work the bake sale.
It's a prestige thing.
You do it all, don't you? RUDY: Bye-bye.
- Yeah, bye-bye.
Oh, yes, bye-bye to all of you.
I thought you were supposed to be babysitting.
I am.
That's him.
That's the little baby? - Funny clown.
- Watch it.
Look, I'm desperate.
You guys have to help me, okay? Rudy's parents are gonna be back really soon, and they might notice they missed a big moment in their son's life.
Well, obviously, you've cast some kind of spell, so all you have to do is reverse it.
Well, I didn't mean to cast a spell.
This magic ruins everything.
He's supposed to be in his crib, and I'm supposed to be with Harvey.
- Oh.
- Uh-huh.
Stop that.
This is serious.
Oh, calm down, Sabrina.
Just try to figure out exactly what you did.
I don't know.
I don't remember.
Rudy was crying.
I picked him up.
I said big boys don't cry and I rubbed his back.
- Did you say anything else? - I don't think so.
Be a big boy.
He's right.
I said be a big boy.
- And I bet you said it three times.
- Ah! Mystery solved.
- You cast a passion spell.
- Passion spell? What's that? If you want something enough, and say it three times, it might just happen.
- We like to call it a Travis.
- Why? Randy Travis, Randy Travis, Randy Travis I love this spell.
What am I doing here? Oh, we were just illustrating a point for our niece.
I hope we haven't caught you at a bad time.
No, it's fine.
My wife does wonder where I keep popping off to though.
- Will there be anything else? - Maybe later.
If you need me, you'll know where to find me.
You always do.
[HILDA GROWLS.]
Now, he is so cute.
I love his new album.
Can we get back to me? What do I do to fix this? Exactly what you did before, three times, but in reverse.
This is really weird.
Boy big a be, Boy big a be, boy big a be It tickles.
Nothing happened.
It didn't work.
It just takes time.
Well, his parents are gonna be home soon.
HILDA: Better hope they have a sense of humour.
Maybe I can blame it on a radioactive spider.
Let's go, Rudy.
Rudy.
Where's the baby? RUDY: La-la-la-la.
- It's on the house, Mr.
Travis.
- Well, thank you.
Does it have nuts? Yes, but you can pick them out.
RUDY: La-la-la-la-la.
Cookies! - Hey, hey, hey, you can't do that.
- Mine.
Mr.
KaZootie! You can see why I changed my name.
MAN [ON TV.]
: It's the bottom of the 15th.
Put on a pot of java, we could be here all night.
That's what so great about baseball.
- Sabrina, is that you? - Yeah.
You are missing a freaky game.
It moved like it had a string attached to it.
You've had a big night.
Now, let's go over what I taught you.
Rudy, how did you get this way? Good.
Okay, now it's sleepy time.
Read me, "Moon.
" I'm too tired.
Play with your toes.
Night.
I could sure use a "Popsi.
" Is the game still on? Yeah.
Man, it could go on forever.
MAN: Come on.
And it's an unassisted triple play.
It's over.
Wow.
See, now, that's what's so great about baseball.
Anything can happen.
Yeah, yeah.
You never know.
We really should study now.
Okay.
- Mitosis is-- - Can we take a break? I'm wiped.
This babysitting is a lot harder than I thought.
Sure.
I mean, we could just sit here and talk.
- I'd like that.
- This is kind of nice.
Yeah.
So.
So.
JERRY: We're home.
HARVEY: Mitosis is-- I didn't expect you so soon.
We skipped dessert.
I missed my baby so much.
How much do we owe you, $4 an hour? Actually it's 5, but 4 would be fine.
CAROL: Jerry, you've gotta come see this.
Thanks.
Gotta go.
Look at our sweet little angel.
They grow so quickly, don't they? Oh, yeah.
Do you ever think about having another one-- No.
We should go now.
I'm looking for a slanted green piece with a funny little waddle.
Here you go.
Thank you.
You know, you really have a flare for jigsaw puZZles, Randy.
I spend a lot of time on a bus.
This is kind of nice, though.
Popcorn, puZZle, lightly falling snow.
It's real nice.
Can I go yet? - No.
- No.
Okay.
Looking for a sky blue rhombus with a little puff of clouds.
Oh, there it is.
Mitosis is-- Salem, I can't concentrate.
SALEM: You wanna play Risk? - I'm sick of Risk.
Hey, I've got a great idea.
- Salem, I think I hear the can opener.
- Really? Please be tuna.
Please be tuna.
Eddie Cibrian, Eddie Cibrian, Eddie Cibrian Uh-- What am I doing here? I was about to pull Hasselhoff out of a burning corvette.
Oh, well, you can do that later.
I was just kind of wondering if you would turn around for me.
Sure.
Thanks.
- Is that it? - Yeah.
Unless you're into jigsaw puZZles.
My aunts are working on one downstairs with Randy Travis.
Hm.
Sounds like fun.
Well, guess Hasselhoff will have to wait.
Wow, this magic thing isn't so bad.
Brad Pitt, Brad Pitt, Brad Pitt You have the test.
You may commence failing.
Mitosis is-- Mitosis is-- Great game, huh, Harvey? Yeah, wasn't it freaky? Freaky? You want freaky? Randy Travis came to parents' night.
Have you met Sabrina's father? He's pretty freaky too.
Get back to your test there.
Mitosis is-- Mitosis is--