Samantha Who? s01e03 Episode Script

Ms.
Newly, Jemma at Marapolla Spa.
It's come to our attention you accidentally took home a pair of our courtesy flip-flops, and unless you return these and the last three Hi, this is Brian.
I met you at that party, and you tried on my hat.
Remember ? I said you looked cute in it, but that didn't mean you could keep it.
Fun fact about Samantha Newly : Before my amnesia everyone hated me.
Except a few people, like these two.
A childhood friend and, for some reason, my ex-boyfriend.
So I haven't seen you since we were at the hospital.
Hanging out, waiting for Sam to wake up out of her coma.
Yeah.
Good times, huh ? I told you I was pregnant in confidence.
Who does that to another person ? Rest assured you'll hear from my law They had to drain the entire pool.
You knew I was allergic to nuts.
- OK ! OK ! I get it ! I get it ! - Record greeting.
I'm sorry ! Leave a message after the beep.
I am not gonna check the machine anymore.
If people want to find me, hunt me down.
- Yeah.
- No.
No, that's not good.
But those people don't know the new you.
I'm having a great time with you.
- You know, hanging out.
- Kicking it.
- BFFs.
- Step off biotch, I'll cap yo ass.
I have no idea where that just came from.
I meant to say, "Yes, me too.
" Ms.
Newly, the tailor dropped something off for you.
I'll get it.
So how did it happen anyway ? I mean, how did you and I drift apart ? Oh, you know how it is with kids.
One day you're climbing into each other's bedroom windows late at night and sharing secrets and drinking cocoa.
Oh, yeah.
You know, and the next day one of you stands up the other one at McCorkle's Beef Grindery to go ice skating with the eighth-grade cheerleaders.
- Oh, Dena, I'm really - Don't say anything.
- I'll just call your machine.
- Yeah.
- Here you are.
- Oh.
Althea's Bridal.
It's a bridesmaid's dress ! - I'm a bridesmaid ? - I think so ! - In a wedding ? - I think so ! Who is this ? Did the tailor know ? Did they say anything ? You should ignore the warning on the plastic bag.
Feel free to use it as a toy.
Where's all that mail that I brought back from Todd's ? - On your bed.
Don't run in the house ! - She's a bridesmaid.
- In a wedding ? - Yeah.
- Someone liked her ? - Yes, Mother, it is possible.
Despite my upbringing.
Dena.
Look, there's the bathroom that I want.
Well, we don't need a new bathroom.
Ours is fine.
But we can afford it.
And I want one.
When we built this house, the plumbing was state-of-the-art.
Well, so was yours.
Things change.
I found it ! I found the invitation.
Valerie Bromquist and Trey Wells.
Who are they ? Anyone ? Anyone ? Valerie Bromquist and Trey Wells.
Who are they ? Anyone ? Anyone ? Well, I knew a Trevor Chadney once.
"You are cordially invited to special lodging rates, salmon or beef" Here.
OK, the date is Of course.
It's today.
- You're never gonna make it.
- No ? Watch me.
Somebody likes me.
It is an honor to be asked.
I am not gonna let down my friend Victoria.
- Valerie.
- Whatever.
It's at the Hyperion Hotel.
These people must be loaded.
Look at the wedding party rates.
That is really reasonable.
Holy cow ! With my hotel points, it's almost free.
- I always wanted to stay there.
- We have to stay there.
- We can't afford not to.
- OK, then we're all gonna go.
But you've got to go.
Get ready.
Get ready.
Go, go.
All right.
- Dena, you're gonna be my date.
- Me ? If I die tomorrow, I'll die a happy girl.
Unless it's from something painful.
Or slow like being dragged by a train.
Oh, good, they haven't started yet.
All right, I'm gonna go try to find Veronica.
No, wait V, V Vancouver, Valedictor Valerie ! Valerie.
All right, you go find a seat.
Mom, Dad, you take the bags up, and I'll see you later.
All right ? OK.
I don't know why you won't let a bellman help you with those.
No way.
That's how these places get you.
What do I look like, some kind of rube ? Todd ? - Sam ? - Oh, no, we were invited together.
God, that's so sweet of you to still come, but you know, I brought Dena.
And, oh, this is so awkward for you.
I'm the photographer.
You got me this job.
What are you doing here ? - Sam ? - Andrea ! - What are you doing here ? - Why does everyone ask me that ? I am obviously in the wedding.
I don't want to embarrass myself.
I need to find the bride.
Valerie.
Get that bitch out of here.
I found her.
Disinvited ? But she likes me.
How could she disinvite somebody she likes so much ? Oh, I don't know.
It might be because you started a wedding pool on how long the marriage would last.
Well, that's not very likable.
Ordinarily, I'd find it hilarious.
But I'd spent way too much time getting in with Valerie to take your side.
- What do you mean ? - She's a friend of yours.
I finally got you to introduce me.
Her family's loaded.
They have a yacht.
I want friends that have a yacht.
The fact that I was not disinvited when you were is a very positive sign.
In fact, you know I probably shouldn't even be seen with you right now.
OK, sorry, doll.
It's over.
What ? Is the wedding over already ? We just ordered up an artisanal cheese plate.
No, we need to get our bags because we are leaving.
- You mean quitting.
- I'm not staying where I'm not wanted.
Well, it's not that hard.
You get used to it.
- Hello ? - [Howard.]
Guess where I'm calling from ? - The bathroom.
- The bathroom.
Oh, it's like the Palace of Versailles in there.
Heated floors.
- We have to have heated floors.
- We'll see.
Why don't you stay, enjoy the room.
We'll get a cab home.
Are you leaving ? What did you do this time ? Why is it that you immediately assume that I've done something wrong ? I mean, I did do something wrong.
But it was the old me.
And now the new me has to leave.
Oh, honey, I wish I could just put my arms around you and make this whole thing go away.
But it might be easier if you assumed a new identity.
Yeah, get yourself a wig.
Not a cheap one.
Can you do any accents ? What about the name "Rose LaFleur ?" OK, stop it ! She's not going anywhere.
What are you gonna do ? Run away every time you meet somebody you hurt ? Spend five minutes with Valerie, and she'll see you're not the old you.
- Because I'm not, huh ? - No, you're not.
No.
I'm not her.
Thank you, Dena.
You know, I'm going to go down there and make Valerie understand that and make her forgive me and then you and I are going to rock this wedding - and we are going to bring it.
- Bring it.
- And we are going to rip it ! - We're going to rip it ! And we're going to sock it That's all I got.
That's all she's got.
Sex ? Well, we got to hurry.
The cheese is coming.
- Is this a bad time ? - What are you still doing here ? Just wait, wait.
OK ? I am so sorry about that wedding pool, but you see I don't know why I did it because I have amnesia.
- Are you kidding me ? You used that four years ago when you crashed my Maserati.
- Amnesia ? - Yeah.
- And you believed that ? - Security ! - No, please.
Just wait.
- Hey, it's OK.
I got it.
Come on.
God.
- What are you doing ? - I am trying to apologize.
- That's what I'm doing.
- What's your angle ? My angle ? Oh, I don't know, I just want to stay for dinner because the salmon looks so tasty.
Because I've changed, that's why.
And I feel bad about what I did.
Bad ? Like remorse ? Like normal people bad ? Yes, Todd, like normal people bad.
I'm not giving up until she sees how thoughtful and considerate I can be.
- Daddy ! - Wait, wait.
It is possible she is sorry.
You know how relentless she is, It is possible she is sorry.
You know how relentless she is, so if you don't want her at your honeymoon, just hear her out.
One minute.
Go.
OK, thank you.
Listen So are you buying this new-and-improved Sam ? You think she's changed ? - Yes, I do.
- That would be nice.
Remember that mean clerk at the hospital gift shop ? What was her deal ? And you are.
You're very loving.
- What's she doing ? - Apologizing.
- What's her angle ? - No angle.
Apologizing.
Crafty.
Just when you think she's gonna zig, she zags.
That's nice.
Sam, I want you back in my wedding party.
- You do ? - I do.
- And you must sit at my table.
- I must ? Oh, come on, girls, we have to fix our makeup for pictures.
Yeah.
See ? What'd I say ? I told you not to quit.
- We're at table seven.
- I'm gonna sit at Valerie's table.
So I'll just catch up with you later, OK ? Yay So all I hear is, "Snake !" And I come out of my tent to see Sam, halfway up the trail already, not a stitch of clothes on.
Never looked back.
I didn't have trouble getting a ride home.
Snake ! - I'm funny.
Did you know I was funny ? - Yes ! God, if we were on a yacht right now I'd fall overboard from laughing.
Chew this time.
I'm not gonna save you twice.
I went through all that bridesmaids crap so one time I wouldn't have to sit at the losers' table.
- Then that one has to show up again.
- Yeah, that one.
I can wait, though.
It's happened before, and she always lets me back in eventually.
How do you know the bride ? She's my sister.
Hi.
I was just hoping I already sent them something.
You want to dance ? I don't know.
What's your angle ? Come on.
Among other things, I seem to have forgotten how to dance.
No, you're a quick study.
Follow me.
Oh.
Hey, I'm funny.
Did you know I was funny ? Yes.
Yes, and like all great comics, there's a dark evil clown lurking behind the laughter.
What ? Nothing.
I just kind of like this new you.
It's sort of the best of old you without The lying, cheating, selfish, high-maintenance Sam.
Shh But pretty.
Well, you better be careful because you might just fall for me all over again.
Come on, time for toasts.
Let the help get back to work.
- Wait, where's Valerie ? - She's outside or something.
That hot groomsman went to find her.
To the single girl, a vanishing breed.
Another one bites the dust.
Oh, my God, it's Paul.
Oh, look at you.
Paul makes you all tingly, doesn't he ? - He's Trey's friend.
- That's not an answer.
- I'm getting married.
- So it's your last chance.
Not necessarily.
You guys are so bad.
Well, it's only bad if you get caught.
- You'll never tell ? - Tell ? Honey, I'm probably not even going to remember.
Did Valerie do something with him at the bachelorette party ? No.
Gross.
They went back to her place.
I saw you two dancing.
Doesn't she seem like a totally different person ? I was just thinking the same thing.
Yeah, well, she's not.
- What are you talking about ? - Old Sam's still right there, ready to dump you if, you know, something better comes along.
Ready to ditch you again for the cool kids.
She did that ? Man, she's good.
Well, I can't believe I got sucked in.
I got sucked in.
But you, yeah, you should not.
You're a good guy.
And decent extremely attractive.
You know, interesting Good evening.
Anyway, when I first met this guy, he was thin and fit, with rock-hard abs.
Now the only thing that's thin is his hair, and the only thing that's hard is his liver.
He's all yours, Val.
Yey ! Now I want Sam to toast us.
Sam ? - What ? No.
- Yes.
No, you have to.
It's my wedding.
Sam is so funny, you guys ! Listen to her toast, everybody.
Go ahead, Sam.
OK.
Marriage.
What is marriage ? - That's not funny ! - Shut up, Jeanine ! Well, let's just break it down.
Right ? "Mar" from the Latin, meaning "sea.
" And "iage," it's the edge of the sea.
It's like sailing.
It's like sailing over the edge of the sea.
Into uncharted waters, right ? And you're all sailing folk.
It's a new beginning.
And you know what ? Who among us doesn't need a new beginning ? Or forgiveness.
And if I'm getting it, shouldn't everybody else ? Right ? No matter what they've done ? Whatever mistakes or indiscretions.
Or acts of just downright betrayal.
As long as they just promise to never do it again.
As long as they just promise to never do it again.
Bitch ! I knew you would pull something like this ! - It was Valerie's idea ! - She made me do it ! - Val ? - Paul ? - Daddy ! - I slept with Trey ! - What ? - We were drunk ! You're always drunk ! On the plus side, at least I won the pool.
Hey.
All right, first of all, hide that knife.
I'm gonna go find Dena and go home.
Those people are horrible.
Well, maybe you should stay.
You fit right in.
- What do you mean ? - Ask your friend, Dena.
Oh, right.
She already left.
- Mom ? - I'm in here, hon.
Mom, where's Dena ? Please tell me she's taking a shower with you.
No, she got her things.
She said she was taking a cab home.
But I brought her some cake with little adulterers on it.
Oh, God, I ditched her all day.
I was so obsessed with making someone who doesn't like me like me that I hurt the one person who does.
What is this little potty that I'm sitting on ? Oh, that's a bidet.
Isn't it cute ? I'm going to get one for our new bathroom.
All right, well, I have to find her, so can we just leave ? No.
Checkout isn't until 12.
Not giving them one second back.
That's weird.
Psst ! Psst ! - Sam ? - Dena, can I come in ? No.
Mr.
Cellophane, kill.
Please, just open up.
- Can't.
The windowsill's painted shut.
- Oh, now that's just bull Whoa ! - Are you OK ? - Uh-huh.
I'm assuming this was a lot easier when I was 12, huh ? Look, Dena, I am so sorry about tonight.
I mean it.
Look, there is nobody who is sorrier than I am.
Well, of course not.
You've had so much more practice.
Look, I realize that knowing me is risky.
You never know when Old Sam's gonna come out and do really horrible things.
You know, it's like I'm like a werewolf.
You know ? All of a sudden a full moon comes out from behind the clouds, and next thing you know, I'm all hairy and I'm biting out your neck.
OK, you're kind of creeping me out.
Look, I'm just trying to say that, if you ever see the Old Sam come out, just tell me.
Or shoot me with a silver bullet.
It's your call.
I'll put a cap in your ass.
Bang, bang.
- Want some cocoa ? - Yes.
You know what ? It's actually kind of fun coming in this way.
Not that fun since the tree rats moved in.
Did Todd say anything about anything tonight ? Just that I'm a big old disappointment.
Mmm.
So was he a good kisser ? I don't know.
Why ? Oh, I don't know.