Sando (2018) s01e03 Episode Script
New Mum
1 This company's about family.
Always has been, always will be.
(taser zaps) And what she's NOT capable of is apologising, and keeping a promise, and staying only a couple of days.
Oh! Well, you're her dad! And you're her best friend! - So, it's over? - Yeah, with zero break-up sex.
Oh, it has to be cold turkey.
(both grunt) But if someone can stuff up big-time, surely they can be sorry big-time.
Because I am .
.
sorry .
.
big-time.
You just can't help it, can you? Help what? Tired of your old whitegoods? Outdated furniture that's not just awful to look at, it's downright dangerous? (shrieks) Let's go Sando's! Save your life AND your money at Sando's Out with the Old, In with the New Sale! Do 'em a deal, Sando! Garamax fridges only $399! Solid-as-a-rock coffee tables only 49 bucks! Tasteful lamps, only 79 bucks at Sando's Out with the Old, In with the New Sale.
Did she say "out with the old"? (laughs) Wait! I didn't mean me! Get down to Sando's for a great deal today! Voiceover: Sando's Warehouse.
New stores in: She's the Package Deal Queen! Hello.
Sando.
Wellyeah, this is Tony.
You called me.
Did I? Or did you call me? I mean, it doesn't matter.
You're probably just wondering how things are going with me and the family.
- Yeah, not a bit.
- Yeah, well, it's going great.
Thanks for asking.
I didn't ask.
Don't care.
Well, you should, Tony, 'cause Susie and I are stronger than ever.
Well, she's keen to come back to the company.
You know, be my number two.
Put the 'family' back in 'family business'.
That should make the board happy, Tony.
Yeah, and is there a point to this call? Well, I'd better go, Tony-all-aloney, 'cause, you know, Susie's taking me out for frappuccinos and a mother-daughter bikini wax.
Ugh! Ciao.
Susie's having coffee inside.
She once told me she'd rather be burnt alive in a theme park accident than be the heir to your company.
- I, on the other hand - You?! No offence, mate, but I'd stick to what you know.
Making jaffles.
What's that one? Nutella and cheese.
(groans) You know that Susie's a natural? She was doing deals at 14.
No-deposit finance at 16.
She was just incredible.
- I can learn all that.
- What, at your age? There's the store, there's the day-to-day sales.
You can't just lob in up the top.
Mum, I get it.
It's like making a jaffle.
You can't just whack it in the jaffle press.
You have to butter the outside first.
- Yeah.
- Leave it with me.
I've got this.
Jaffles? No, thanks.
Ah! Susie! Just the firstborn next-in-line child I was looking for.
Are you going somewhere? No.
You are.
That thing at Rian's school? I don't need a suitcase.
You're not going to Rian's school, because your time here is up.
- I can't go now.
We've come so far.
- No, we haven't.
Well, we're in the process of coming so far.
- No, we are not.
- We're about to start the process Just leave already! What about the grandma thing, you know, at Rian's school, forgrandmas? Kids without one get extra cookies.
And Rian loves extra cookies.
It's all she's ever known.
Well, as her actual grandma, I cannot condone that much sugar.
Gary will take you to Ray's Tent City or under a bridge or wherever it is you need to go.
I'm off for a jog.
'Kay, thanks, bye! But I need to go here.
I think she meant anywhere but.
Eric: Huh.
CEO, CEO No CEO position.
Punchbowl.
Sales personnel! (laughs) I could be a great personnel! I know what you're doing.
You're walking me out here so she thinks you're kicking me out.
- But really - Really.
- Really? - Really.
Or we both get kicked out.
(screams) What? - Snake! - What? - Snake in the boot.
- Oh! Don't look! I heard eye contact makes them really mad.
Oh, Gary! (both pant) More like TWO snakes, Gary.
- We were just, uh - Doing some, um - .
.
posttraumatic, uh, therapy.
- Therapy.
Revisitation therapy for the - When I was in a car accident.
- Car accident.
Wow.
You guys would make terrible teenagers.
OK, Vicky.
We were cleaning Gary's car.
Oh! Cut the crap, Don! We did it in a lot weirder places back in the day.
Remember the knuckle-pulling room in the Dubbo abattoir? My God! Yeah, but why did you have to do it in my car? You couldn't stick to the pantry, the attic, the sunroom, the pool, the pool house? Tell me you didn't do it on my fold-out sofa bed.
- I put a beach towel down.
- You promised you'd stop! What? You knew? Look, we tried to stop, OK? But the id craves most what it can't have.
Oh, great.
You've given it a pet name? I'm guessing Susie doesn't know.
- About the pet name? - It's not a pet name! - About you two.
- You're not gonna tell her? Might take the heat off me.
Orwe could do a deal.
'Cause I'm the Package Deal Queen.
(ding!) I wish I'd never written that stupid jingle.
(jingle plays over P.
A.
) Come on down to Sando's And build yourself a dream I'm here about the job.
We just filled the position.
Sorry.
But I wore my best interview socks.
- Maybe there's another position? - I can't afford more staff.
It's me, two of my sons, and now David.
Yes, Mikal? I'm just saying how I had to hire you when my eldest son left us for a job in the city.
Too good for his father's shop! Leave your CV behind and I'll put it on file.
How about I'll see your CV and raise you a name and phone number on a piece of paper? Eric Sandringham THE Eric Sandringham? Did I put "the"? (chuckles) That's weird.
It IS you! Son of Sando! I would recognise those nostrils anywhere! Jal? Rafi? Bring us the tea.
But in the good cups! I love tea in good cups! Hmm (plays) Real deal (hums) Don? - Dad? - I've asked you not to call me that.
- I think you have a problem.
- (sighs) Yeah, at this rate, I'm never gonna get this album finished.
No, you and Nicky.
I know addiction when I see it.
Addiction? (scoffs) Me and Nicky? Trust me, Dad.
I know what I'm on about.
- Yeah? What were YOU addicted to? - Don't want to talk about it.
- You brought it up.
- Alright, fine.
Skinny-dipping.
I was addicted to skinny-dipping.
Are you sure you just didn't really like skinny-dipping? When I was 14, my parents took me to Vanuatu for a holiday.
I thought it was to celebrate me completing the 40 Hour Famine, butit was to tell me that they were getting a divorce.
- Oh, that's rough.
- And that I was adopted.
We were in the resort pool, and the next thing I knew, they're shouting at me.
"Put the swimmers back on! Put the swimmers back on!" I must have taken them off in shock, butI didn't care.
I just swam and swam, free as a bird.
Like, an aquatic bird? Like a penguin? From there, it was a slippery slope.
Whenever things got too much, I'd dip.
Break into public pools, people's backyards.
I was hooked.
The soft lap on your nether regions.
Taking you in without judgement.
The liquidy freedom as it envelops all - (grunts) No! - Are you alright? Yeah, I'mtriggered.
I am in control of my addictions.
My addictions are not in control of me.
When things got serious with Susie, I knew I needed help, soI did the meetings, followed the steps, and eventually, I got dry.
- Is that why you never go swimming? - Even a glass of water's a struggle.
Get help, Dad.
Before it's too late.
Don't call me Dad.
Susie's back.
We're on.
What do you mean, the suitcase didn't make it to the car? Well, Gary was gonna put it in the car and thenDon and Nicky stopped him.
OK What's happening? Well, they're obviously concerned, Susie, and frankly, so am I.
I'm concerned that if I were to leave prematurely, that it could do more harm than good.
Harm is all you CAN do.
Well, I just don't think that one person can make a decision for the whole family.
Oh.
Fine.
Let's take a vote on it.
All in favour of Sando leaving? Alright, let's just do it the other way around.
All those in favour of Sando staying? (Susie squeaks) Is that what your id wants, Don? You traitors! As your therapist, I feel like it's important that you resolve issues with your mum.
Right, a-and as your father, I think it's important that you have aa good mother-daughter relationship.
Gary: And as your husband, I think you're .
.
pretty andnice .
.
andand you probably get some of that from your mum, and Sando is your mum, your real mum.
That's right.
I AM your mum.
And always will be.
- I want a divorce.
- What? No, Gary.
- It's not - It's not working? I can change.
Is this about me eating beef stock cubes in bed? - 'Cause I'll stop.
- No, Gary, you're not - I'm not listening? - No, let me You're always saying what a bad listener I am.
- No, just listenlet me explain.
- For the love of God, Susie! - I can learn to listen! - I'm not divorcing YOU, Gary! - I'm divorcing her! - What? - What? - What? - Yeah, what? - Children can divorce their parents.
Macaulay Culkin did it.
Macaulay Culkin's an absolute Derek! If you won't leave, I'm gonna leave you.
Legally.
For life.
Alright, darling.
Well, while you're off googling your lawyer, your ex-mum here should be signing a few photographs Man: Gary, your mother and I are getting a divorce.
- And you're adopted.
- Woman: He's naked! Man: Oh, flip! You can see that kid's dick! Gary! Get your shit together, Gary! We came to Australia with very little.
Your mother was in store the same day as we were, signing coffee tables.
Well, I still have mine.
She personally did us a deal.
Dresser, dining table, two lamps, an armchair and a lounge suite, not for $1,599, not $1,499, but $1,399.
With all the money that was left over, I began to save.
I began to dream.
Until years later, finally, I bought this store.
(cries) It was the happiest day of my life! - Sorry to interrupt.
- Uh-huh? M-Mr Sandringham, I just wanted to sayI loved you in those ads.
- You were sublime.
- I don't know! (chuckles) People did say I had a gift.
You did! You did.
I still say to my sons, "Why aren't you more like the Sandringham boy?" Now, why are you here to apply for David's job? I don't understand.
You're the Package Deal Prince! Why would royalty want to work the floor? I need to know the business from the floor up if I'm ever gonna take over as the Package Deal Queen, but .
.
that's OK.
I'm sure there's another store hiring.
You will do no such thing! At Sando's, we're about loyalty, about family, and I don't mean just my own sons.
David! - You're fired.
- What?! No! My husband and I, we are saving up for a surrogate.
We live in my car! I'm gonna go print "Eric Sandringham" in our best name-badge font! I know I'm kind of a big deal, but I still want you to treat me like you would any employee.
Then I will treat you like a son.
(school bell rings) So, as today is Grandmothers Day, we're gonna be making some doilies and some tea cosies! (pants) Sorry I'm late.
Oh.
And you are? Rian's grandmother.
I know.
I don't look old enough to have grandkids.
But there you go.
(laughs) Well, you don't look as young as her other grandma.
Nicky?! What the hell?! Identity thief! - Hi, Grandma! - Ex-Grandma.
Since we'll no longer be related soon, I've asked Nicky to step in as nan to fill your tiny shoes.
I don't think this is a good idea, Suse.
I'm not exactly nan material.
Yeah, we're not taking a vote on this.
Well, even if you divorce me, Nicky's not related to you.
Yeah.
You have to be the mum or dad's mum to be the grandma.
Photo for you.
There you go.
Good girl.
But if she adopted Rian's mum, then she WOULD be Rian's grandma.
- No.
- Kyle's adopted.
And we celebrate diversity of families in our community.
Children: (chant) Diversity of families in our community.
You know what? You're a little turncoat.
You're not seriously considering having Nicky adopt you, now? Well, that's just (bleep), Susie.
I mean, I (bleep) put it in a (bleep).
Don't be such a (bleep)! God's sake! Who have you got to (bleep)? You know, no offence, Kyle.
I'm sure your adoption was for a very good reason - you know, that your parents were (bleep) druggies or Right, OK.
The three of you, get out.
Susie, you need me.
- You need your mum.
- For what? - I don't know.
Mum stuff.
- Position's been filled.
The great thing about Nicky is no nasty surprises, no sneaking around behind my back - I said get out! - Let's go, Mum.
You don't have to call me Mum.
Now, let me fix you some dinner.
- I'll make your favourite.
- Yay! Are you OK, Ex-Grandma? - Not really, darling.
- Get out! Yeah, she's a beauty.
Cheese won't be the only thing she'll be melting.
- I'm sorry? - The jaffle press.
Oh, I'm just grabbing a microwave.
Looking for a deal, are we? They over there? Playing hard to get.
I like it.
So, what WOULD make you happy? Buy two, get one free? - OK.
- Not so fast, 'cause I'm not done.
You also buy this fridge and I'll chuck in the jaffle press for free.
I don't need a fridge.
- How do you keep your food cold? - I've got a fridge.
Well, think of all the extra food you'll need for your three microwaves.
Give it as a gift! Yeah, just the microwaves, thanks.
Fine.
I'll give the jaffle half price and I'll knock 50 bucks off the whole lot.
How about, uhno jaffle and you still knock 50 bucks off? - Already got a jaffle? - Not into jaffles.
100 bucks off and I'll still chuck in the jaffle.
Jaffles are great.
You should try 'em! 150 bucks off, plus the fridge.
- And a free jaffle? - Two free jaffles.
It's a deal.
(cha-ching!) This one's a keeper! Don: OK.
This'll be the single.
I'm taking stock, I'm taking time Trying to find the love I thought was mine Yeah, a good deal for my dime First you love her, then you hate her You'll buy now, but you'll pay later So I'll put it on the line I'm looking for the real deal I want to know how you feel 'Cause I'm stuck in limbo, waiting for your love 'Cause, baby, I can't lie The price may be too high In this catalogue of mistakes I don't want to lay by and wait What kind of love is this? You're closed for renovation when I open for business It's a stockpile, it's a cut-price tragedy I'm shopping for the real deal I want to know how you feel 'Cause I'm stuck in limbo waiting for your love 'Cause, baby, I can't lie The price may be too high In this catalogue of mistakes I don't want to lay by and wait.
(door opens) Sando: Oh, for God's sake! Do you realise the madness that is going on here? - Have you been speaking to Don? - What? As I told him, in confidence, I might add, I am in control of it, it is not in control of me.
I am talking about Susie's plan to have Nicky adopt her after she divorces me! Nicky? Adopt? Adopt Susie, yes.
So she can officially Woman: Gary, put your pants on! Man: The shame! You're no son of mine! - Divorce AND adoption? - Yes, Gary! No son of mine acts like a penguin! Quack! Quack quack! - Gary? Your wife's this way.
- Quack! Headphones: Had my hand in my heart You got to the checkout, but you emptied your cart - Gary? - Stay back! Hey, maybe you should take a few breaths.
No.
No, I'm tired of breathing.
It doesn't work.
I just need to No, no, don't dip a toe! Just .
.
keep talking to me.
Susie's divorcing Sando and getting adopted by Nicky.
What? That's ridiculous! I know.
I just need to wash it away.
No, no.
Skinny-dipping is not the answer.
Well, then tell me what is.
I am.
OK, me and Nicky and .
.
all that secretive sex in the weird places.
I mean, that's what's caused all this.
I need you, Gary.
I need youto be my sponsor.
Say it.
Say it.
I have an addiction.
You're OK.
You're OK too.
(sobs) We're OK.
(sobs) We're both gonna be OK.
We need to talk.
You and I What are you doing? Oh, I'm just about to finish darning one of Rian's socks.
I think I am a natural grandmother.
I think our addiction is causing Gary's addiction to flare up.
What addiction? What, to darning? No, no, no, no.
I'm not addicted.
No, no Anything can be an addiction, by the way.
Yeah, well, I like darning.
Plus, I'm kind of Rian's grandmother now, so You can't be serious about this whole adoption thing.
Well, why not? I've always wanted children, and therefore, I guess, grandchildren.
This could be my only shot.
Gary is a man on the brink! OK, we have to tell Susie about us.
Yes, you're right.
We do.
Can we do it in the morning, though? I've still got skorts to hem yet.
You know you can buy 10 of those for $3 down at the mall? I know.
(rock music) Ready for another bumper day? Group hug? Group fist bump? Only if it's a fist bumping your head! Affectionate rough-housing! Now I AM family! You sold over $100,000 worth of product! Are you serious? Oh, my God! Wait till Mum hears! For $17,000! What a bargain! I'm the Package Deal Prince! These are the worst package deals in history! How do you give somebody 140% off? 200% off? You sold somebody a microwave and you threw in a high-definition TV?! What is wrong with you? We're ruined! We're gonna have to move back to Canberra! Jaffle, anyone? Sons? Get my name tag back and get him out of here! Wait! I can fix this! I can fix this! (smash!) Wait! I swear to you on my mother's love for me, I can fix this! Please! Your mother loves you? Rian: And here goes Grandad Don-Don, next to Grandma Nicky.
Morning, girls.
What are you doing? Homework.
Rian has to make a family tree.
I just don't think this is a good idea, Suse.
Gary? You OK, buddy? Susie's making a family tree with Rian.
II can't look.
Well, so she's not the best drawer, Gary.
At least she's trying.
You've blacked out Sando's eyes.
What the hell is this? Is that blood coming out of my ears? Yeah, I tried to stop her, but Susie stabbed me with a pen.
My parents stabbed each other with pens.
Woman: Hey, Gary, could you pass me that pen? (clunk!) Man: Arggh! Gary? You're OK.
Woman: It's not your fault, Gary.
- It's not your fault.
- No.
I'm not OK.
Oh, it's a little bit your fault.
- Gary - It's completely his fault, woman! - Don't do this.
- Gary! Gary, us both being adopted will bring us closer! We'll have MORE in common! (dreamy music) Whoo-hoo! Whoo! Whoo! Mummy? What's Daddy doing? Ha ha ha ha! - He's got an addiction, sweetie.
- What? Whoo-hoo! Come on, Gaz! (phone vibrates) You're better than this! Hello, Eric.
Yes, I'm fine.
How are you? Everything's going swimmingly.
You bloody what?! It's a disaster! Mikal, my son may be a total disaster, but you are an exceptional franchisee, and I don't say that lightly.
You still trust me, don't you? I gave you a lifetime trust guarantee.
It's still valid.
I see you've got a few Garomax 3000 fridges in stock.
We have six units left.
It's a very good fridge.
Sure is.
Unless you tip it on its side, then it tends to start electrical fires.
Well, at least it did in eight out of 10 tests .
.
which was good enough to get it past the consumer board, which is good enough for us.
Electricalfires? Are you saying I'm not saying anything.
I'm just saying that it's very good news that you are insured to the hilt, in caseone of the fridges accidentally fell over by itself.
(ding!) Newsreader: Firefighters were unable to extinguish the blaze at the Sando's Warehouse store in Punchbowl.
We're here with an eyewitness on the scene.
Oh, man! The building is on fire! Authorities are not treating the blaze as suspicious, adding that the highly flammab (switches TV off) I just wanted to make you proud.
Oh, it's alright, mate.
It's not your fault.
It was just a horrible freak accident.
Still, I know your shops are like your children.
Neglected and screwed up.
Alright, Susie.
If you want to divorce me and let Nicky adopt you But before you do that, there's something going on - Hold on.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Actually, I've decided to not go through with it.
For the mental wellbeing of my husband and my child, but mostly my husband, I've decided I'll take the high road and drop the divorce-slash-adoption.
(sighs) Here you go, mate.
What's this? Fished a pair of my favourite old togs out.
- I want you to have 'em.
- Oh! Any time you feel like dipping, you pop those on and feel my support.
Thanks, Don.
You can call me Dad.
Good thing about those is they're so worn, it's like they're there but they're not there.
Oh, great! So I don't inherit anything from you guys?! Not the family business.
Not your budgie smugglers.
Probably got a pair of old boxers upstairs.
It's not the same, Dad.
Life's not about what you inherit, mate.
It's about what you bring to it.
And you bring some damn fine jaffle skills.
Yeah.
And comedy.
But I'll never be the Package Deal Queen.
No, but you're the Jaffle Prince.
So, bring us some jaffles, Your Highness! (chuckles) (all laugh) Oh! That was pretty cheesy.
Like my jaffles! (crickets chirp)
Always has been, always will be.
(taser zaps) And what she's NOT capable of is apologising, and keeping a promise, and staying only a couple of days.
Oh! Well, you're her dad! And you're her best friend! - So, it's over? - Yeah, with zero break-up sex.
Oh, it has to be cold turkey.
(both grunt) But if someone can stuff up big-time, surely they can be sorry big-time.
Because I am .
.
sorry .
.
big-time.
You just can't help it, can you? Help what? Tired of your old whitegoods? Outdated furniture that's not just awful to look at, it's downright dangerous? (shrieks) Let's go Sando's! Save your life AND your money at Sando's Out with the Old, In with the New Sale! Do 'em a deal, Sando! Garamax fridges only $399! Solid-as-a-rock coffee tables only 49 bucks! Tasteful lamps, only 79 bucks at Sando's Out with the Old, In with the New Sale.
Did she say "out with the old"? (laughs) Wait! I didn't mean me! Get down to Sando's for a great deal today! Voiceover: Sando's Warehouse.
New stores in: She's the Package Deal Queen! Hello.
Sando.
Wellyeah, this is Tony.
You called me.
Did I? Or did you call me? I mean, it doesn't matter.
You're probably just wondering how things are going with me and the family.
- Yeah, not a bit.
- Yeah, well, it's going great.
Thanks for asking.
I didn't ask.
Don't care.
Well, you should, Tony, 'cause Susie and I are stronger than ever.
Well, she's keen to come back to the company.
You know, be my number two.
Put the 'family' back in 'family business'.
That should make the board happy, Tony.
Yeah, and is there a point to this call? Well, I'd better go, Tony-all-aloney, 'cause, you know, Susie's taking me out for frappuccinos and a mother-daughter bikini wax.
Ugh! Ciao.
Susie's having coffee inside.
She once told me she'd rather be burnt alive in a theme park accident than be the heir to your company.
- I, on the other hand - You?! No offence, mate, but I'd stick to what you know.
Making jaffles.
What's that one? Nutella and cheese.
(groans) You know that Susie's a natural? She was doing deals at 14.
No-deposit finance at 16.
She was just incredible.
- I can learn all that.
- What, at your age? There's the store, there's the day-to-day sales.
You can't just lob in up the top.
Mum, I get it.
It's like making a jaffle.
You can't just whack it in the jaffle press.
You have to butter the outside first.
- Yeah.
- Leave it with me.
I've got this.
Jaffles? No, thanks.
Ah! Susie! Just the firstborn next-in-line child I was looking for.
Are you going somewhere? No.
You are.
That thing at Rian's school? I don't need a suitcase.
You're not going to Rian's school, because your time here is up.
- I can't go now.
We've come so far.
- No, we haven't.
Well, we're in the process of coming so far.
- No, we are not.
- We're about to start the process Just leave already! What about the grandma thing, you know, at Rian's school, forgrandmas? Kids without one get extra cookies.
And Rian loves extra cookies.
It's all she's ever known.
Well, as her actual grandma, I cannot condone that much sugar.
Gary will take you to Ray's Tent City or under a bridge or wherever it is you need to go.
I'm off for a jog.
'Kay, thanks, bye! But I need to go here.
I think she meant anywhere but.
Eric: Huh.
CEO, CEO No CEO position.
Punchbowl.
Sales personnel! (laughs) I could be a great personnel! I know what you're doing.
You're walking me out here so she thinks you're kicking me out.
- But really - Really.
- Really? - Really.
Or we both get kicked out.
(screams) What? - Snake! - What? - Snake in the boot.
- Oh! Don't look! I heard eye contact makes them really mad.
Oh, Gary! (both pant) More like TWO snakes, Gary.
- We were just, uh - Doing some, um - .
.
posttraumatic, uh, therapy.
- Therapy.
Revisitation therapy for the - When I was in a car accident.
- Car accident.
Wow.
You guys would make terrible teenagers.
OK, Vicky.
We were cleaning Gary's car.
Oh! Cut the crap, Don! We did it in a lot weirder places back in the day.
Remember the knuckle-pulling room in the Dubbo abattoir? My God! Yeah, but why did you have to do it in my car? You couldn't stick to the pantry, the attic, the sunroom, the pool, the pool house? Tell me you didn't do it on my fold-out sofa bed.
- I put a beach towel down.
- You promised you'd stop! What? You knew? Look, we tried to stop, OK? But the id craves most what it can't have.
Oh, great.
You've given it a pet name? I'm guessing Susie doesn't know.
- About the pet name? - It's not a pet name! - About you two.
- You're not gonna tell her? Might take the heat off me.
Orwe could do a deal.
'Cause I'm the Package Deal Queen.
(ding!) I wish I'd never written that stupid jingle.
(jingle plays over P.
A.
) Come on down to Sando's And build yourself a dream I'm here about the job.
We just filled the position.
Sorry.
But I wore my best interview socks.
- Maybe there's another position? - I can't afford more staff.
It's me, two of my sons, and now David.
Yes, Mikal? I'm just saying how I had to hire you when my eldest son left us for a job in the city.
Too good for his father's shop! Leave your CV behind and I'll put it on file.
How about I'll see your CV and raise you a name and phone number on a piece of paper? Eric Sandringham THE Eric Sandringham? Did I put "the"? (chuckles) That's weird.
It IS you! Son of Sando! I would recognise those nostrils anywhere! Jal? Rafi? Bring us the tea.
But in the good cups! I love tea in good cups! Hmm (plays) Real deal (hums) Don? - Dad? - I've asked you not to call me that.
- I think you have a problem.
- (sighs) Yeah, at this rate, I'm never gonna get this album finished.
No, you and Nicky.
I know addiction when I see it.
Addiction? (scoffs) Me and Nicky? Trust me, Dad.
I know what I'm on about.
- Yeah? What were YOU addicted to? - Don't want to talk about it.
- You brought it up.
- Alright, fine.
Skinny-dipping.
I was addicted to skinny-dipping.
Are you sure you just didn't really like skinny-dipping? When I was 14, my parents took me to Vanuatu for a holiday.
I thought it was to celebrate me completing the 40 Hour Famine, butit was to tell me that they were getting a divorce.
- Oh, that's rough.
- And that I was adopted.
We were in the resort pool, and the next thing I knew, they're shouting at me.
"Put the swimmers back on! Put the swimmers back on!" I must have taken them off in shock, butI didn't care.
I just swam and swam, free as a bird.
Like, an aquatic bird? Like a penguin? From there, it was a slippery slope.
Whenever things got too much, I'd dip.
Break into public pools, people's backyards.
I was hooked.
The soft lap on your nether regions.
Taking you in without judgement.
The liquidy freedom as it envelops all - (grunts) No! - Are you alright? Yeah, I'mtriggered.
I am in control of my addictions.
My addictions are not in control of me.
When things got serious with Susie, I knew I needed help, soI did the meetings, followed the steps, and eventually, I got dry.
- Is that why you never go swimming? - Even a glass of water's a struggle.
Get help, Dad.
Before it's too late.
Don't call me Dad.
Susie's back.
We're on.
What do you mean, the suitcase didn't make it to the car? Well, Gary was gonna put it in the car and thenDon and Nicky stopped him.
OK What's happening? Well, they're obviously concerned, Susie, and frankly, so am I.
I'm concerned that if I were to leave prematurely, that it could do more harm than good.
Harm is all you CAN do.
Well, I just don't think that one person can make a decision for the whole family.
Oh.
Fine.
Let's take a vote on it.
All in favour of Sando leaving? Alright, let's just do it the other way around.
All those in favour of Sando staying? (Susie squeaks) Is that what your id wants, Don? You traitors! As your therapist, I feel like it's important that you resolve issues with your mum.
Right, a-and as your father, I think it's important that you have aa good mother-daughter relationship.
Gary: And as your husband, I think you're .
.
pretty andnice .
.
andand you probably get some of that from your mum, and Sando is your mum, your real mum.
That's right.
I AM your mum.
And always will be.
- I want a divorce.
- What? No, Gary.
- It's not - It's not working? I can change.
Is this about me eating beef stock cubes in bed? - 'Cause I'll stop.
- No, Gary, you're not - I'm not listening? - No, let me You're always saying what a bad listener I am.
- No, just listenlet me explain.
- For the love of God, Susie! - I can learn to listen! - I'm not divorcing YOU, Gary! - I'm divorcing her! - What? - What? - What? - Yeah, what? - Children can divorce their parents.
Macaulay Culkin did it.
Macaulay Culkin's an absolute Derek! If you won't leave, I'm gonna leave you.
Legally.
For life.
Alright, darling.
Well, while you're off googling your lawyer, your ex-mum here should be signing a few photographs Man: Gary, your mother and I are getting a divorce.
- And you're adopted.
- Woman: He's naked! Man: Oh, flip! You can see that kid's dick! Gary! Get your shit together, Gary! We came to Australia with very little.
Your mother was in store the same day as we were, signing coffee tables.
Well, I still have mine.
She personally did us a deal.
Dresser, dining table, two lamps, an armchair and a lounge suite, not for $1,599, not $1,499, but $1,399.
With all the money that was left over, I began to save.
I began to dream.
Until years later, finally, I bought this store.
(cries) It was the happiest day of my life! - Sorry to interrupt.
- Uh-huh? M-Mr Sandringham, I just wanted to sayI loved you in those ads.
- You were sublime.
- I don't know! (chuckles) People did say I had a gift.
You did! You did.
I still say to my sons, "Why aren't you more like the Sandringham boy?" Now, why are you here to apply for David's job? I don't understand.
You're the Package Deal Prince! Why would royalty want to work the floor? I need to know the business from the floor up if I'm ever gonna take over as the Package Deal Queen, but .
.
that's OK.
I'm sure there's another store hiring.
You will do no such thing! At Sando's, we're about loyalty, about family, and I don't mean just my own sons.
David! - You're fired.
- What?! No! My husband and I, we are saving up for a surrogate.
We live in my car! I'm gonna go print "Eric Sandringham" in our best name-badge font! I know I'm kind of a big deal, but I still want you to treat me like you would any employee.
Then I will treat you like a son.
(school bell rings) So, as today is Grandmothers Day, we're gonna be making some doilies and some tea cosies! (pants) Sorry I'm late.
Oh.
And you are? Rian's grandmother.
I know.
I don't look old enough to have grandkids.
But there you go.
(laughs) Well, you don't look as young as her other grandma.
Nicky?! What the hell?! Identity thief! - Hi, Grandma! - Ex-Grandma.
Since we'll no longer be related soon, I've asked Nicky to step in as nan to fill your tiny shoes.
I don't think this is a good idea, Suse.
I'm not exactly nan material.
Yeah, we're not taking a vote on this.
Well, even if you divorce me, Nicky's not related to you.
Yeah.
You have to be the mum or dad's mum to be the grandma.
Photo for you.
There you go.
Good girl.
But if she adopted Rian's mum, then she WOULD be Rian's grandma.
- No.
- Kyle's adopted.
And we celebrate diversity of families in our community.
Children: (chant) Diversity of families in our community.
You know what? You're a little turncoat.
You're not seriously considering having Nicky adopt you, now? Well, that's just (bleep), Susie.
I mean, I (bleep) put it in a (bleep).
Don't be such a (bleep)! God's sake! Who have you got to (bleep)? You know, no offence, Kyle.
I'm sure your adoption was for a very good reason - you know, that your parents were (bleep) druggies or Right, OK.
The three of you, get out.
Susie, you need me.
- You need your mum.
- For what? - I don't know.
Mum stuff.
- Position's been filled.
The great thing about Nicky is no nasty surprises, no sneaking around behind my back - I said get out! - Let's go, Mum.
You don't have to call me Mum.
Now, let me fix you some dinner.
- I'll make your favourite.
- Yay! Are you OK, Ex-Grandma? - Not really, darling.
- Get out! Yeah, she's a beauty.
Cheese won't be the only thing she'll be melting.
- I'm sorry? - The jaffle press.
Oh, I'm just grabbing a microwave.
Looking for a deal, are we? They over there? Playing hard to get.
I like it.
So, what WOULD make you happy? Buy two, get one free? - OK.
- Not so fast, 'cause I'm not done.
You also buy this fridge and I'll chuck in the jaffle press for free.
I don't need a fridge.
- How do you keep your food cold? - I've got a fridge.
Well, think of all the extra food you'll need for your three microwaves.
Give it as a gift! Yeah, just the microwaves, thanks.
Fine.
I'll give the jaffle half price and I'll knock 50 bucks off the whole lot.
How about, uhno jaffle and you still knock 50 bucks off? - Already got a jaffle? - Not into jaffles.
100 bucks off and I'll still chuck in the jaffle.
Jaffles are great.
You should try 'em! 150 bucks off, plus the fridge.
- And a free jaffle? - Two free jaffles.
It's a deal.
(cha-ching!) This one's a keeper! Don: OK.
This'll be the single.
I'm taking stock, I'm taking time Trying to find the love I thought was mine Yeah, a good deal for my dime First you love her, then you hate her You'll buy now, but you'll pay later So I'll put it on the line I'm looking for the real deal I want to know how you feel 'Cause I'm stuck in limbo, waiting for your love 'Cause, baby, I can't lie The price may be too high In this catalogue of mistakes I don't want to lay by and wait What kind of love is this? You're closed for renovation when I open for business It's a stockpile, it's a cut-price tragedy I'm shopping for the real deal I want to know how you feel 'Cause I'm stuck in limbo waiting for your love 'Cause, baby, I can't lie The price may be too high In this catalogue of mistakes I don't want to lay by and wait.
(door opens) Sando: Oh, for God's sake! Do you realise the madness that is going on here? - Have you been speaking to Don? - What? As I told him, in confidence, I might add, I am in control of it, it is not in control of me.
I am talking about Susie's plan to have Nicky adopt her after she divorces me! Nicky? Adopt? Adopt Susie, yes.
So she can officially Woman: Gary, put your pants on! Man: The shame! You're no son of mine! - Divorce AND adoption? - Yes, Gary! No son of mine acts like a penguin! Quack! Quack quack! - Gary? Your wife's this way.
- Quack! Headphones: Had my hand in my heart You got to the checkout, but you emptied your cart - Gary? - Stay back! Hey, maybe you should take a few breaths.
No.
No, I'm tired of breathing.
It doesn't work.
I just need to No, no, don't dip a toe! Just .
.
keep talking to me.
Susie's divorcing Sando and getting adopted by Nicky.
What? That's ridiculous! I know.
I just need to wash it away.
No, no.
Skinny-dipping is not the answer.
Well, then tell me what is.
I am.
OK, me and Nicky and .
.
all that secretive sex in the weird places.
I mean, that's what's caused all this.
I need you, Gary.
I need youto be my sponsor.
Say it.
Say it.
I have an addiction.
You're OK.
You're OK too.
(sobs) We're OK.
(sobs) We're both gonna be OK.
We need to talk.
You and I What are you doing? Oh, I'm just about to finish darning one of Rian's socks.
I think I am a natural grandmother.
I think our addiction is causing Gary's addiction to flare up.
What addiction? What, to darning? No, no, no, no.
I'm not addicted.
No, no Anything can be an addiction, by the way.
Yeah, well, I like darning.
Plus, I'm kind of Rian's grandmother now, so You can't be serious about this whole adoption thing.
Well, why not? I've always wanted children, and therefore, I guess, grandchildren.
This could be my only shot.
Gary is a man on the brink! OK, we have to tell Susie about us.
Yes, you're right.
We do.
Can we do it in the morning, though? I've still got skorts to hem yet.
You know you can buy 10 of those for $3 down at the mall? I know.
(rock music) Ready for another bumper day? Group hug? Group fist bump? Only if it's a fist bumping your head! Affectionate rough-housing! Now I AM family! You sold over $100,000 worth of product! Are you serious? Oh, my God! Wait till Mum hears! For $17,000! What a bargain! I'm the Package Deal Prince! These are the worst package deals in history! How do you give somebody 140% off? 200% off? You sold somebody a microwave and you threw in a high-definition TV?! What is wrong with you? We're ruined! We're gonna have to move back to Canberra! Jaffle, anyone? Sons? Get my name tag back and get him out of here! Wait! I can fix this! I can fix this! (smash!) Wait! I swear to you on my mother's love for me, I can fix this! Please! Your mother loves you? Rian: And here goes Grandad Don-Don, next to Grandma Nicky.
Morning, girls.
What are you doing? Homework.
Rian has to make a family tree.
I just don't think this is a good idea, Suse.
Gary? You OK, buddy? Susie's making a family tree with Rian.
II can't look.
Well, so she's not the best drawer, Gary.
At least she's trying.
You've blacked out Sando's eyes.
What the hell is this? Is that blood coming out of my ears? Yeah, I tried to stop her, but Susie stabbed me with a pen.
My parents stabbed each other with pens.
Woman: Hey, Gary, could you pass me that pen? (clunk!) Man: Arggh! Gary? You're OK.
Woman: It's not your fault, Gary.
- It's not your fault.
- No.
I'm not OK.
Oh, it's a little bit your fault.
- Gary - It's completely his fault, woman! - Don't do this.
- Gary! Gary, us both being adopted will bring us closer! We'll have MORE in common! (dreamy music) Whoo-hoo! Whoo! Whoo! Mummy? What's Daddy doing? Ha ha ha ha! - He's got an addiction, sweetie.
- What? Whoo-hoo! Come on, Gaz! (phone vibrates) You're better than this! Hello, Eric.
Yes, I'm fine.
How are you? Everything's going swimmingly.
You bloody what?! It's a disaster! Mikal, my son may be a total disaster, but you are an exceptional franchisee, and I don't say that lightly.
You still trust me, don't you? I gave you a lifetime trust guarantee.
It's still valid.
I see you've got a few Garomax 3000 fridges in stock.
We have six units left.
It's a very good fridge.
Sure is.
Unless you tip it on its side, then it tends to start electrical fires.
Well, at least it did in eight out of 10 tests .
.
which was good enough to get it past the consumer board, which is good enough for us.
Electricalfires? Are you saying I'm not saying anything.
I'm just saying that it's very good news that you are insured to the hilt, in caseone of the fridges accidentally fell over by itself.
(ding!) Newsreader: Firefighters were unable to extinguish the blaze at the Sando's Warehouse store in Punchbowl.
We're here with an eyewitness on the scene.
Oh, man! The building is on fire! Authorities are not treating the blaze as suspicious, adding that the highly flammab (switches TV off) I just wanted to make you proud.
Oh, it's alright, mate.
It's not your fault.
It was just a horrible freak accident.
Still, I know your shops are like your children.
Neglected and screwed up.
Alright, Susie.
If you want to divorce me and let Nicky adopt you But before you do that, there's something going on - Hold on.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Actually, I've decided to not go through with it.
For the mental wellbeing of my husband and my child, but mostly my husband, I've decided I'll take the high road and drop the divorce-slash-adoption.
(sighs) Here you go, mate.
What's this? Fished a pair of my favourite old togs out.
- I want you to have 'em.
- Oh! Any time you feel like dipping, you pop those on and feel my support.
Thanks, Don.
You can call me Dad.
Good thing about those is they're so worn, it's like they're there but they're not there.
Oh, great! So I don't inherit anything from you guys?! Not the family business.
Not your budgie smugglers.
Probably got a pair of old boxers upstairs.
It's not the same, Dad.
Life's not about what you inherit, mate.
It's about what you bring to it.
And you bring some damn fine jaffle skills.
Yeah.
And comedy.
But I'll never be the Package Deal Queen.
No, but you're the Jaffle Prince.
So, bring us some jaffles, Your Highness! (chuckles) (all laugh) Oh! That was pretty cheesy.
Like my jaffles! (crickets chirp)