Sanford and Son (1972) s01e03 Episode Script

Come on, Pop.
The taxi will be here any minute.
- We gonna be late.
- I'm comin'.
Well, here I am.
How do I look? How do you look? You look like a well-dressed penguin.
I thought you'd like it.
I haven't had this suit on sinceJoe Louis beat Max Schmeling.
Me and your mama really celebrated that night.
Went to Club Alabam.
We had fun.
How you feelin', son? I feel terrible, Pop.
I got butterflies in my stomach and my heart's poundin', and I can't keep my hands still.
It serves you right.
The whole thing is ridiculous.
It won't work.
I give it two weeks.
Don't start.
You been against this ever since I told you I was getting married.
Who, me? Yes, you.
If I listened to you, I'd never get married.
You just don't want me to get married.
That's what it is.
Well, you hardly know the girl.
How long y'all been going together? - Two months? - So what? - How long did you go with Mama? - Two and a half years.
That's right.
I went with your mama two and a half years before I kissed her on the cheek.
And that was on New Year's Eve.
At 12:00.
Straight up.
In the dark.
We do things a lot faster today.
I don't want to talk about that, Pop.
Have you got the ring? Yeah, I got the ring.
- Are you sure? - I'm sure.
What's the matter with you? - Where is it? - I had it right here in one of my I gave you that ring last night.
If you lost that ring Just settle down.
Here's the ring right here.
I got it wrapped up here in this handkerchief.
Take it out of that handkerchief.
That's gotta go on her finger.
Well, I bet you my handkerchief is just as clean as her finger.
Just hold on to that ring.
Pop, where is the cab? - Where's the taxi? - I called them.
Call 'em again.
They're not here yet.
They should've been here.
- I called 'em an hour ago.
- Get in there and call 'em again.
Everything goes wrong.
I'm getting married, man, and the taxi's not even here.
Y'all gotta learn how to relax.
I'll - Hey, Pop, tell 'em it's an emergency.
- I'll tell 'em.
Just hold on.
Hello.
Say, is this the taxicab company? Yeah, well, this is Fred Sanford calling.
That's S-A-N-F-O-R-D period, speaking.
Yeah, listen, I called for a cab about an hour ago and so far, there no cab come yet.
Hey, listen, is this a white cab company? Y'all don't have to worry no more.
Everything is cool now.
No, look, if you don't want to stop, just slow down.
We'll get in.
Okay.
Bye.
They ain't gonna come.
What are we gonna do, Pop? - Everything gonna be all right.
- Everything goes wrong.
- What are we gonna do? - Listen, we'll take the truck.
The truck? We're not gonna take this broken-down truck on my wedding day.
- What's wrong with that? - Everybody will be laughing at us, Pop.
They won't laugh.
We'll park the truck over there - by Mama's Kitchen around the corner.
- Oh, just get in the truck.
- This place hasn't changed much.
- What? Church.
I haven't been here since we laid your mother away.
That's a nice thing to bring up on my wedding day.
Casket was sitting right here, where you gonna get married.
Sure looked good, your mama, layin' there with a new dress on.
Looked good enough to take to Chinatown.
I don't know what you had to get married here for anyway.
Could've went on down to City Hall and had it done.
Just a waste of money, that's what it is.
I already told you, Pop.
Crystal wanted a church wedding.
Crystal? It wasn't Crystal.
It was the whole uppity family.
- Bunch of jive niggers.
- Pop! They're sittin' over there.
They'll hear you.
Just keep it down.
Just don't be surprised if they take you somewhere and make you put on a chauffeur's cap.
See.
They playin' Guess Who's Coming to Dinner and you Sidney Poitier.
Look at 'em sitting over there like they too good to mix with us.
They're not supposed too, Pop.
Never thought I'd see the day where there'd be segregation in Central Avenue Baptist Church.
I already told you.
They're not supposed to mix with us until after the wedding.
What did you say her old man does? Work at a post office? That's right.
He works in a post office.
He's in charge of a window.
I bet he's in charge of all of the windows cleaning 'em.
I'm tellin' you you're makin' a mistake, gettin' mixed up with that bunch.
Get used to the idea.
We already agreed to all the conditions you wanted.
We're gonna get married, and we're gonna live with you and I'm gonna stay in the business.
We're gonna stay with you right until the day that you get laid out in this church, just like Mama.
And that might be the next service, if you don't shut your big mouth.
I was thinkin' about you.
You know, you're just throwing your life away.
Throwing my life away? I'm Lamont Sanford, a lousy junk dealer who's over 30.
I'm lucky to get her.
That girl could've had her pick, but she picked me.
Now, Pop, this could be the happiest day of my life, if you'd just back off.
I ain't gonna say another thing.
Try to help you, but you won't listen.
- So you on your own, boy.
- Good.
- I'm gonna button my lip.
- Perfect.
I ain't gonna say one more thing.
Thank you.
I give it two weeks.
She's late, ain't she? I bet she don't show up.
I thought you said you were gonna shut up.
I don't give it a week.
I bet she don't show up at all.
The bride has just arrived, Mr.
Sanford.
- I lose.
- I'm sorry? Nothing, Reverend Trimble.
He didn't say nothing.
Why don't you and your father take your place.
You ready for the execution? Need a blindfold? She ain't in no big hurry to get up here, is she? Maybe she got a bad heart.
Did she have a checkup? You could be marrying a very sick girl, son.
Think about them doctor bills.
Here she is.
Dearly beloved, we're assembled here to join together in bonds of Christian marriage this man and this woman.
It is these Christian bonds that serve as an anchor for your continued happiness.
Who gives this woman to be married to this man? I do.
Do you, Lamont Grady Sanford take Crystal Simpson to be your lawful wedded wife to love her and cherish her as you do your own life - until death do you part? - I do.
Do you, Crystal Simpson take Lamont Grady Sanford to be your lawful wedded husband to love him and cherish him as you do your own life until death do you part? You have brought rings Wait a minute, Reverend Trimble.
She said no.
She did? I wasn't listening.
Crystal, honey, you were supposed to say, "I do.
" But I don't.
I mean, I can't marry him.
I'm sorry, Lamont.
Well, this is very unusual.
- I don't know - Did you say somethin' to her? - I ain't said nothing to her! - Crystal, baby, what's wrong? There's nothing wrong, Mother.
I can't do it.
I changed my mind.
Oh, there, there, honey.
Well, you don't have to marry him if you don't want to.
- Thank you, Mother.
- Can we have a few minutes together? - Come on, Crystal - Take your hands off her! She doesn't want to marry you.
I knew it was a mistake marrying a common, ordinary junk man.
- Now, listen, sister.
- Look, stay out of it, Pop.
I ain't gonna let this liver lip broad insult you! Oliver, did you hear what he called me? - Listen - Well, don't stand there.
Do something about this! Oh, be quiet, everybody! I just changed my mind, that's all.
There's just no need to go on like this.
You're all behaving just just like children! - That's exactly right.
- Yeah, that's right.
Say, Crystal, let's go to city hall.
Just the two of us, okay? My daughter is not going to marry you, you nobody.
Nobody? If anybody marryin' nobody it's my son who ain't marryin' nobody.
Ain't nobody marryin' nobody.
Will everybody stop it? Now just leave this thing up to me and Crystal, all right? - Crystal? Crystal! - Let her go! - She's gone! - You're better off without her! She's better off without him, you junk dealer! You better get out of my face! You too! That was a nice service, Reverend Trimble.
Thank you.
What'd she have to do that for, Pop, huh? What for? I don't know.
Don't worry about her.
She wasn't too much.
She had ugly legs.
- She had beautiful legs.
- Skinny.
Skinny legs.
Skinny legs.
In a few years, her veins start showing.
Her leg look like Italian salami with the rope wrapped around it.
Here.
Have a drink.
Make you feel better.
I don't understand it, Pop.
She was so sweet.
Yeah, sweet before the wedding.
Then after the wedding, she'd be just like her mama: King Kong in bloomers.
What did she have to show up for just to say no, Pop? - She made me look like a fool.
- Forget about her.
Let's eat some of this food here.
Look at the nice gifts and everything.
What a spread.
Look here.
You know, the delicatessen did a good job, didn't they? Look at all these nice things: Potato salad, slaw.
And look here.
Here's some chopped liver.
That's Jewish soul food.
- Here.
Have some.
- I don't want nothing to eat.
She made me look like a fool.
Everybody's gonna be laughing at me.
"Lamont got stood up.
He got left waiting at the church.
" Say, Pop, let's move back east.
It'll help me forget.
We could go to Newark.
They got a black mayor there.
Black mayor ain't gonna help you forget.
He got enough troubles of his own.
You just carry on, son.
You got your whole life before you.
Forget about that.
Go out and have fun.
Meet you a girl and live it up.
"Live it up.
" You got no feeling at all, Pop.
I just got crushed.
You talkin' about "live it up.
" Yeah, live it up.
See, it's like It's like biting an apple in the dark.
See, if the first bite is sour you turn it around and nibble somewhere else.
That's really a gem.
That was beautiful.
Who said that, Confucius? Confucius? No, I said it.
Always worked for me.
I been through quite a few apples in my time.
Well, just go nibble your apples and leave me alone.
I was thinkin' about you.
Let's change clothes and go somewhere.
Let's go to the roller derby.
That's terrific.
Maybe I'll be able to pick up a skater.
Well, they ain't too bad.
They won't have no skinny legs.
You're ridiculous, you know that? Listen, I know how you feel, son.
So you had a disappointment.
See, it's like cuttin' away a corn.
At first, the toe is sensitive, then it hardens up so you can walk.
- Know what I mean? - Yeah.
I got a disappointment, and you got bad feet.
- It's the door.
- No kidding.
- Well? - Well, what? - Want me to answer it? - No.
Have it framed and hang it on the wall.
- Rosetta! - Oh, you poor, poor What a terrible thing to happen.
It's a shame your mother isn't here to see this day.
Only a mother would understand.
Thanks a lot, Aunt Rosetta.
Now, if that two-faced little brat comes around this neighborhood - she'll get a mouthful from me.
- Now, look, just forget about it.
Why don't you have something to eat and - Here.
Have a drink.
- Oh, no, I couldn't.
I'm on a diet.
Well, since I'm here, I might as well have a little taste of gin.
- To settle my stomach.
- You mean a water glass full of gin.
- What do you mean by that? - You know what I mean.
No, I don't know what you mean.
Last time you settled your stomach, it was so settled, you couldn't move.
I knew it.
I knew it.
I knew it all the time.
I knew it.
Didn't I say so, Rosetta? I knew it couldn't last.
When I saw that little ol' gal, I knew she was no good.
And her and her wiggly walk.
Oh, you poor thing.
I feel so sorry for you.
Oh, yes, I do.
But I knew it wouldn't last.
- Thanks a lot, Aunt Hazel.
- I'll tell you what you do, darling.
You just come on over to our house and stay awhile.
You know, we love you.
Get away from old sourpuss over there.
Hazel, how would you like one across your lip? You know, I don't mind givin' a lady one across the lip.
And that'll be the last time you give somebody somethin' across the lips.
- No, it won't.
- Oh, yes, it will.
If I hit you, I bet your lips get to the hospital before the ambulance.
- No, they won't! - Listen, I fought heavyweights before.
- You better get - Hold it! Hold it! - Why don't you just stop it? - Aunt Hazel Aunt Hazel? You mean Witch Hazel! I'm sorry as I can be, boy.
I don't know what to say.
- Thanks a lot, Uncle Edgar.
- I really felt sorry for you up there.
When that little girl ran out on you like that, I was thinkin' to myself "I'll bet he feels like a real dummy up there.
" That's what you looked like up there.
A real dummy.
She made me look like a fool, Uncle Edgar.
What's gonna happen if she shows up? I'm gonna take her skinny legs and tie 'em up in a knot.
- It's definitely off, huh? - You can bet your sweet - Pop! - It's off.
- What will you do with the toaster? - The what? This toaster.
The wedding present your Aunt Elsie and me gave you.
Thanks a lot, Uncle Edgar.
That's just what we wanted.
A toaster.
- It's not much use to you now, is it? - No, I guess not.
I really didn't have a chance to think about all this.
I was thinking, long as I'm here Well, you see, I mean Edgar, why'd don't you just admit that you want your toaster back? No, I was wondering.
See, we don't have one and the thing cost 19.
95.
You know good and well you didn't buy that toaster.
That's something you had left from the riot.
Now, wait a minute, Fred.
That was a legitimate purchase.
- I bought it.
I bought it - In a pool hall.
I'll tell you the truth.
I was gonna ask about these sheets.
Well, since they're not gonna be used, it's a shame to make 'em go to waste.
And they wasn't monogrammed.
I can take them back.
Hey, kid, don't put your feet up on my good couch.
Go on over there with the kids and have a piece of cake.
This couch is for drinkin'.
- What did you do with my tablecloth? - I don't know, Aunt Hazel.
- It should be here with the presents.
- Well, it's not here.
- Well, I don't know.
- It's supposed to be with the presents.
Or maybe you didn't think it was good enough for you.
Have you seen her tablecloth? Yeah, it's here on the table.
We're using it.
Well, that's a fine thing to do using the wedding presents before they're even married.
- Now we can't even take 'em back.
- Well, I didn't get married.
I'll buy you another tablecloth, Aunt Hazel.
It's only me, your ol' aunt.
And my gift was the first one they used, and now I can't ever take it back.
- Well, I'll take the cheese board back.
- I may as well take my toaster back.
Come on, you children.
Say, what are you people doin'? What are you Just stop it! Would you just stop it? You tell 'em, son! What's the matter with you people? I don't believe you.
I just had the shock of my life, and what are you all doing? You're standing around here worrying about your dumb wedding presents.
Well, I don't want you or your presents in my house for another second! I'll tell you exactly what you could do.
You could figure who belongs to what out in the yard! And don't say we didn't feed you! And And here's some dessert! Hazel, you never looked sweeter.
That was nice.
I enjoyed every moment.
What a disastrous day this has been.
No, son, it's more like the answer to a prayer.
"Lead us not into temptation.
" You got detoured just in time.
I'm goin' upstairs and stretch out, Pop.
I really need it after today.
Yeah, son, I know how you feel.
Oh, say, Pop.
I forgot to cancel the honeymoon suite.
Well, it's too late now.
They're not gonna give you your deposit back.
So why don't you go there anyway? They got TV in the room.
You can watch the roller derby.
No.
I don't think so.
I'm just going to bed.
Okay, son.
Hey, Pop, that hotel is out by the beach.
How'd you like to spend a few days near the ocean? - Me? - Yeah.
We could take a couple bottles of this champagne - and we could take a little vacation.
- Vacation, yeah! I'll get the checkerboard and pack a couple of sweaters.
Okay, hurry up.
I'll get some champagne.
- Some champagne.
- Hey, son, I was just thinking.
- Things must be getting better for us.
- What do you mean, Pop? Well, me and your mama could never afford a honeymoon.
And now look.
Me and you are going.
Get upstairs.
- That was real nice.
- Yeah.
A couple of days at the ocean will really do you good, Pop.
Sure will.
Wait a minute.
Don't sit down, son.
Come here.
- Look at this.
- What's this? It's an ashtray.
I picked it up at the hotel where we stayed at.
- Souvenir.
- A souvenir? It doesn't even have the name on it.
It says, "Help prevent forest fires.
" Well, you and I will know.
- And look here.
- Stationery? A pen? - You swiped all this stuff? - Don't say "swiped.
" - Look.
- A towel? - Why didn't you take the lamp? - I couldn't get it in the bag.
But I got this.
A lightbulb.
You swiped all this stuff.
What'd you do that for? Well, when they took all the It's supposed to be your wedding, and they took the wedding gifts back so I thought I'd pick you up a few things.
How about that? A Bible? Pop, you stole a Bible? We got a Bible upstairs.
You don't need this.
Well, we'll use this one downstairs.
That way we'll have full coverage.
And besides, I didn't swipe the Bible.
It was in the honeymoon suite.
And look.
It's brand new.
People don't have time to read in the honeymoon suite.
It says right here in this book, "Thou shall not steal.
" And it also says in this book, "The meek shall inherit the earth.
" So you got start somewhere.
Well, many happy returns, son.