Satisfaction (2007) s01e03 Episode Script
Jizz
[ Whispers .]
Baby [ Pants and Sighs .]
[ Whimpers in Ecstasy .]
[ Chuckles Deliriously .]
[ Moans .]
[ Chuckles .]
[ Laughs Breathlessly .]
That was amazing! [ Laughs .]
- I love you.
- Babe - [ Doorbell Rings .]
- Ohh! - Oh, no.
Nobody home.
- [ Sighs .]
[ Whispers .]
I'm so home.
Thank you.
[ Whispers .]
It's very very [ Moans .]
good to be home.
[ Whispers .]
Ally [ Sighs .]
[ Sighs .]
It'll be the Mormons.
- [ Grunts .]
Mormons - [ Chuckles .]
We don't want to be Mormons, do we? [ Groans .]
Uh-uh.
Mmm, maybe - all those wives.
- [ Laughs .]
- MAN; Are you up there? Oh! [ Sighs .]
Gary! I came as fast as I could.
[ Sighs .]
Me too.
[ Chuckles .]
- Oh, is this a bad time? - Yes.
No.
I'll be right down.
Gary's here.
Hello, Edie.
- Did we get you out of bed? - No, of course not.
Oh, God, look at this mess! I can't believe you got back so soon.
Oh, as soon as we got the message He's like, 'We're out of here - Ally's ovulating.
" Well, it was very good of you.
Thank you.
- So much for pears in red wine.
- Hey? Oh, we were staying at Edie's sister's For the weekend.
She does great pears in red wine.
There'll be other times.
- Hey.
Hi.
- Ally! I was gonna bring some wine, sorry.
I didn't know if that was the right thing to do or not.
- Alcohol is always a good idea.
- Cheers.
Where's mine? Um, I'm going to make you a herbal tea.
Bullshit.
I'm gonna have nine months of being sober.
Here's to that.
Of course we are.
All this before.
Yeah, we have.
This time, however It's going to work.
On that note, Gaz let's go make a baby.
[ Inhales excitedly .]
SONG: # Immerse yourself in me # # In bliss and ecstasy # # Playing your games of passion # # Naked seduction # # And breathless emotion # # Sea of love in satin # # I want you, oh # # To satisfy # # Satisfy # # I want you # # To satisfy # # Embrace me # # Hey, yeah.
# Gaz? Yeah? You OK? Yeah, um Edie, I really hope this isn't completely messing up all your plans.
Well, Ally is on heat.
So how come you guys don't adopt? Apart from wanting to have our own the whole system is geared towards legally married hetero couples.
- Mmm, you could go to a sperm bank.
- Same deal.
You can't just walk in there and buy sperm like you buy a loaf of bread.
[ Chuckles .]
I mean, there's fertility tests and psychological tests - Is that right? - Yeah.
You never thought of this before? Hey? Before you decided to be gay.
Edie, you and Gary have discussed this, yeah? Well, yes, of course we have.
It's just that I know that you guys haven't been together long, and Whoa-ho! [ Laughs .]
You just worry about your own world.
You're the one with the problems.
Do you want me to get Edie to give you some help? Ally Ally, I think I can do it.
I mean, unless you want to give me a hand.
Nah, it's OK.
I'm not very good with penises.
[ Sighs .]
Say that again.
I'm not very good with penises.
[ Pants .]
Can you say that one more time? [ Whispers Silkily .]
I'm not very good with penises.
[ Pants .]
Ohh.
Ohh! So, like, um, this kid - you gonna? Well, it's gonna be a lesbian, yeah? Well, actually, we were hoping for twins.
That way, if one of them is straight, we can have it terminated.
- Are you serious? - Are you? Well, look, I just want to know, because, like, I'm gonna be the stepmother of this kid Hang on.
No, Edie, you're not really the stepmother.
- Excuse me? - You're not the stepmother.
You're not step-anything.
You're step-backwards 10 yards.
[ Sighs .]
Here it is - All set and ready to go.
Here's hoping.
Yeah.
[ Washes Hands .]
We made the deal with Gary, not with you.
Are you on the birth? Who cares whose name is on the birth certificate? - Is your name gonna be on the? - It doesn't make a difference! It's a legality.
If me and Gaz ever get married, I'll be way more closely related to that kid than you'll ever be! - Oh, like fuck you will! - GAZ: Hey! Fingers crossed.
- This is stupid, the whole thing.
- What? What is? Gary, can you please get this moron out of my house? You're so rude! Get the fuck outta my house.
Hey, guys! Mission accomplished.
CHLOE: I reckon Bonnie's on to me about work.
She totally freaked me out.
And what's worse, she knew I was freaked out.
Bonnie's not dumb, Chloe.
What do you think I should tell her the truth? - Mmm, nuh.
- [ Both Laugh .]
It's not like the truth is gonna make anybody happy.
Don't have kids - that's the answer.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean that.
No, it's OK.
We get the results today.
- Attempt number 1,602.
[ Laughs .]
- Fingers crossed.
- Yeah.
- Good luck.
Have you ever thought about getting pregnant yourself? Me? [ Chuckles .]
No! I couldn't give up heaps of stuff, like working - And drinking? - Yes! Drinking! Drinking and drinking.
Come on.
Let's go.
Meow! [ Man Pants .]
[ Woman Moans .]
Yeah, I'm trying.
Hard to know which way to look here.
I don't know why.
To get excited about.
[ Laughs .]
[ Grunts .]
MAN: Oh yeah, do more of that.
[ Laughs .]
- MAN: Hey! Whoa! - Hey? - MAN: Hey? Where you going? - Nature calls.
I'll be two seconds.
- Oi! - Can we come with you? Nuh.
Not unless you want to pay extra.
MAN: Oh.
- TIPPI: Heather - MAN: Yeah! [ Tippi Moans .]
You have to relax, Gino, if you want me to bounce.
Ready? - TIPPI: OK.
Ready? - MAN: Yeah.
Oh [ Pants .]
Gino, we'll just slide up and down, OK? - TIPPI: Heather? You're missing out.
- Coming.
- [ Tippi Moans .]
- MAN: Shit [ Sighs .]
- Heather, you're late.
- 3 minutes late.
Well, it's daylight saving - messes me up.
We're not in daylight saving right now.
We should be.
Your favourite client's here.
- Which one? - Alexander.
Got here early - I put him in room three.
- How long's he paid for? - An hour.
SINGS: # Rock-a-bye baby on the treetop # [ Bubbles Pop .]
# When the wind blows # # The cradle will rock # Little man? Where are you? [ Alex Whimpers .]
[ Shrieks Happily .]
Hey.
- [ Pants Excitedly .]
- What are you doing? What are you doing? - What are you up to? Hmm? Where's he gone? Where is Alexander? [ Pants .]
Where is baby Alex? - Gotcher! - [ Laughs Gleefully .]
Do you want to come up here on the bed? It's nice and warm.
Mamma [ Magical Tinkling .]
[ Laughs .]
Lauren, do you know anything about rechargeable batteries? - LAUREN: Only that they're rechargeable.
- [ Sighs .]
To be honest, I haven't had much to do with them.
Yeah.
I looked into it once, but the recharger was super-expensive.
- Why do you need so many batteries? - [ Sighs .]
I collect torches.
I'm sorry.
I'm just not on the ball today.
Oh, Lauren, it'll get better.
You'll get more clients the more you get the hang of it I just don't think I'm very good at certain things.
What things? Just some things don't come as naturally to me as maybe I hear you.
Greek's not for everyone.
It took me a week to get used to it.
- I'm talking about oral sex.
- Blow jobs? Shh! I just don't think I've ever learnt how to do it, not properly.
Well, Tippi can fix that.
All you need is a lesson or two.
Come on! OK.
- Oh! [ Laughs .]
- [ Giggles .]
[ Alarm Beeps .]
Oh, Alex, I've gotta go.
- [ Whimpers .]
- Seriously, sweetheart, time's up.
- [ Cries .]
- No.
Excuse me?! Mummy No, Alex, seriously, I've gotta go.
I've got another client.
[ Sighs .]
OK.
OK.
Please.
Do you think next time you could wear something a bit more 'mummy'? You must have some sensible shoes somewhere.
Yeah, I'll see what I can do.
Come on.
Owen? Hello, handsome.
You're so beautiful.
Aww.
Thank you.
I'm very glad you're here.
- Well, I don't know about that.
- Of course I am.
Well, it's very kind of you to say so, even if it isn't true.
- [ Chuckles .]
- You're so good to me.
You're very good to me too.
[ Chuckles .]
Sweetheart room five - give up two seconds.
Don't start without me.
Hey, baby, it's me.
Listen, can you meet me at work in an hour? It's a surprise.
I'll tell you when you get here.
'Bye.
[ Sighs .]
Sorry about that.
Now where were we, handsome? No, no.
Come and sit up here beside me.
I've bought you a present.
You shouldn't have.
Chutney.
My wife used to make it for me, and now I'm making it for you and your girlfriend.
Mel.
Nick.
Nice to have you on our books.
Well, it's early days yet.
[ Chuckles .]
Let's celebrate.
What are you drinking? I'm not.
I'm working.
I've already signed on the dotted line, Nick.
You don't have to fork out for champagne.
It's alright, I just like to drink to these things, you know? It's an Armenian tradition.
I didn't know you were Armenian.
No, I'm not.
[ Laughs .]
That's funny.
Listen, I will be at the Stork on Wednesday at 2:00.
I'll save you a seat.
[ Moaning .]
[ Man Laughs .]
Oh oh, yes.
Oh, yes! Oh, yes.
Ohh! Ohh! Ohhh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh I love viagra! - Aww.
- Ahhh [ Pants .]
Ahh Mmm.
Ahh.
[ Exhales .]
[ Sighs .]
I like Viagra too.
[ Both Laughs .]
Heather? What was that? What? What are you doing? - What are you doing? - Forgot my watch.
- It's right here.
- Oh.
[ Chuckles .]
That was lucky.
You know, you were fantastic today.
Oh, go on.
- I bet you say that to all the boys.
- Yep.
But occasionally I mean it.
Come on.
I'll walk you out.
- Tell me what's going on! - You'll see! Mmm! You haven't dragged me into the toilets for years! Shh! Listen, I've been thinking about it, and we've got all the sperm we need.
Who needs Gary or anybody else? What? You're not serious? Jesus! I know the guy, and he's fit, he's healthy, and he's clean.
Forget it.
No.
- Listen to me.
Ally, wait! - No.
No way! - Ally, wait! - No! Hey.
You guys OK? Yeah.
We were just having a private moment.
Yeah.
Right.
Well, it's pretty busy out there.
[ Door Closes .]
You're up.
I had a few things I needed to drink.
And I'm wondering, you know, what the hell's going on in your brain? That stunt you pulled - that was so weird.
I thought I was doing the right thing.
The right thing? You think I'm gonna put some random guy's jizz inside me? It came from a client.
[ Sarcastically .]
Oh, well, it came from a client! He's a regular, I know him.
He's very safe.
Are you kidding? He goes to brothels and fucks prostitutes.
Well, you come home and fuck one.
What's the diff? What? I'm one of your clients now? No, I'm sorry.
I just thought I could solve everything.
This one you can't.
Not like that.
Gary's coming tonight.
I'm gonna talk to him, try and convince him to give it another go.
What makes you think Gary's the answer? Gary and his nincompoop girlfriend! - 'Cause I trust him.
- Well, I don't care about trust.
We just need someone who packs real bullets.
You need sleep or something.
You're losing the plot.
No.
I'm trying to keep this togther.
OK.
Well tonight, be nice to Gary and the girlfriend.
You know I will.
I charm the pants off Gary and the moron.
[ Laughs .]
- Nuh.
- No.
Good change.
[ Both Chuckle .]
Bon, you haven't done any homework at all this week.
I do it all at school.
How can it be homework if you can do it at school? 'Cause I get it all finished in class.
And, anyway, you're my main homework.
- Me? - No, Mum.
We're having Careers Day, and people come and they talk about their work and what they do, and I volunteered you.
Oh, Bon, I don't think I'd be very I just said that you'd come and you'd talk about the casino and everything.
- Sounds pretty cool.
- Mmm.
Why don't you get Josh? He'd be much more interesting.
He could talk about music, recording No, I want you.
And I told everyone that you'd come.
OK.
[ Groans .]
Bonnie nominates me for Career's Day, and what do you say? "That sounds pretty cool.
" - What was I supposed to say? - I don't know.
What am I supposed to do? - You could tell her.
- Mmm.
And admit to her that I've been lying to her all this time? I can't.
Telling the truth, in theory, always sounds great.
In reality, I don't think I'm sufficiently horrible.
You could stop working.
We've talked about that.
I'm just saying.
For Bonnie's sake.
Or you could go to her school and give a talk about dealing blackjack.
It's just 21, isn't it? If you go over 21, then you go bust.
[ Sighs .]
I absolutely apologise for what I said that day.
You called Edie a moron.
I'm sorry.
I've been so stresses out.
I rang you 14 times.
I've left messages.
Gary, please tell me what I have to do to make this right.
Look, Edie's really smart once you get to know her.
Look, the thing is do you want to try again? Because we're keen, if you're keen.
All I ever want to do is help you guys.
So let's give it another go.
[ Sighs .]
Yeah, let's do that.
[ Laughs Ecstatically .]
Fantastic, Gaz! We could even try tonight, if you're up for it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
[ Chuckles .]
There's there's just one thing.
I've made a few changes to the parenting agreement.
I'm thinking access is important to me.
Yeah.
We've discussed that.
GAZ: We have, I know.
It's just I've thought more about a few things.
Uh-huh.
Well, everything's open to discussion down the track.
Not everything.
Gary, this list is insane! We can't agree to this.
Hang on, Ally, surely we can work something out.
"Unrestricted access"? What, you can see the child whenever you want? - I am the biological parent.
- Yeah, but come on! A-Ally, Gary, we're all on the same team here, you know.
- We don't need to argue about this - Have a look at this stuff! Did Edie put you up to this? I have to respect her feelings! Oh, shit, Gaz! Why don't you and the moron have the baby yourselves! I can't believe you just used that word.
- She didn't mean it, Gaz.
- I didn't.
I'm sorry, I really didn't.
But I can't do this.
No way.
Well, that's your call, Ally.
Hey! Hang on! Gary, wait! - No.
You talk to Ally.
- No.
Listen! - GAZ: It's up to her.
- We just need to Hang on! [ Door Slams .]
Well, that's it, then.
There goes our one great chance.
He wants unrestricted access.
Him and the moron come take our baby whenever they get the urge.
- It wouldn't work like that.
- How else would it work? Well, we'd fight him on that one later.
- What about your job? - What about it? There's a clause in there that says your occupation might have an adverse impact on the kid.
Well, that's just people who don't understand.
If he's this demanding now, how's it gonna end? It just ended, thanks to you! [ Sighs .]
- [ Strains .]
- Give me that.
[ Opens Jar .]
[ Chuckles .]
You know, sometimes I wonder if you're really into this thing.
- You what? - Hey! I'm just trying to talk to you.
[ Sighs .]
After all this temperature taking, and stupid, humiliating questionnaires? [ Sobs .]
Sticking things up my vajootz like I'm some sort of a breeding sow - you ask me if I'm into it? I'm just trying to get us over the line.
Or what? What if we don't get over the line? Come here.
I'm sorry.
[ Mobile Phone Keys Beep .]
MEL: Organising a replacement, are you? [ Puts Down Phone .]
- I was thinking about it, yeah.
- [ Laughs Smugly .]
- Surprised you showed up.
- No, you're not.
You're happy I showed up.
Aren't you a feisty little thing? [ Laughs Smugly .]
Well, it is part of the job description.
- Bollinger? - Yes.
We'll have one of those, thanks, mate.
But where on earth did you get a baby's playsuit in your size, Alex? - ALEX: Don't know.
- What do you mean, you don't know? You just told me you've got one at home.
I don't know.
Well, is there, like, a shop for you guys? Hey, I'm a baby, I can't answer questions, OK? You know, technically, if you're a baby you can't walk either.
So I'm a toddler.
Please.
Oh, shit! You've got it all over yourself.
Mummy, don't swear.
- [ Splat! .]
- [ Gasps .]
[ Sternly .]
Alex, what are you doing? Yucky, Mummy! Yeah, that's right, yucky.
Come here.
Sit down.
Disgusting.
Come here.
I don't know how I let you talk me into this.
Where do you want to go next? Gaa-gaa.
[ Groans .]
Yes, I get it, you're a baby.
You can't talk.
But you're also the client, Alex.
What about the park? [ Excitedly .]
Park! Park! [ Chuckles .]
[ Gasps .]
Look at this! Which one do you want to play on first? Mamma, baby need change.
- What? - Change baby's nappy.
Mamma change baby's nappy.
[ Laughs Incredulously .]
Nah-uh! No way! [ Imploringly .]
Mamma.
No, you don't have enough money for that kind of service, Alex.
- Not even if you won Powerball.
- Mamma change nappy.
Forget it.
Bad Mummy.
Bad, bad, bad Mummy! - [ Mutters Indistinctly .]
- [ Sighs Happily .]
Right.
[ Breathes Heavily .]
OK.
One, two [ Moans Happily .]
Alex, you haven't done anything.
Yes, I have.
Nappy need changing.
[ Exhales .]
Oh.
Clean nappy.
Baby wipes.
- [ Sighs Happily .]
- Ready? - [ Mumbles Contentedly .]
- Nice and soft.
- Hey? - Mmmm.
- OK.
- [ Pants Happily .]
Hey, who is the cutest boy in the world? - [ Half-Laughs .]
- Who is he? - [ Joyously .]
Mamma.
- [ Playfully .]
Who is he? - [ Blows Raspberry .]
- [ Chuckles Joyfully .]
Who is the cutest boy in the world? [ Excitedly .]
Alex! Alex! - [ Whispers .]
Hey.
- [ Silent .]
[ Calmly .]
Who is the most beautiful boy in the world? I think you are.
[ Knock At Door .]
WOMAN: Are you gonna be much longer? Fuck! Coming! - Alex, what are we going to do? - [ Whimpers Softly .]
Hey, Alex, what's up? I I love you, Mamma.
[ Breathes .]
I love you.
[ Sighs .]
[ Exhales Noisily .]
[ Exhales Happily .]
Anyway, so, Bette Davis like, there's twins in this film.
Mm-hm.
And there's, you know, of course there's the good one and she's really sweet and just gorgeous.
And of course there's the bad one, right, and she's a bit more More interesting.
Interesting.
Alright, yeah, that's one way to put it.
- You know, she's an operator, right.
- Mm-hm.
Bette Davis always plays twins, doesn't she? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I only watch films with twins in them.
So anyway, so, the bad one, she's manoeuvring to get a hold Hang on, re rewind.
What do you mean, you only watch films with twins? That's what I said - I only watch films with twins in them.
- Really? - Yeah.
How many are there?[Laughs.]
I mean, that's kind of narrowing it down.
No, it's not, there's shit loads.
There's 'The Parent Trap'.
there's 'Holiday in the Sun', there's 'Twins' with DeVito and Schwarzenegger.
'Holiday in the Sub'? What's that one? Yeah, oh, that's the Olsen twins.
You like the Olsen twins? Yeah, I like Ashley a lot.
- [ Laughs .]
- What? Hang on, can I just finish my story? - Right? - [ Laughs .]
Sorry.
So the bad one steals the good one's fiance, right? - [ Playfully .]
No! - [ Chuckles .]
Yeah.
- Naughty girl.
- A classic twin manoeuvre.
Really? You don't happen to have a twin, do you? Yes, I do, I do.
[ Laughs .]
And he looks fantastic in suspenders.
- [ Glass Knocks .]
- Ah, sh Taxi! [ Chuckles .]
Have to get you a cab.
- [ Giggles .]
- Actually, more champagne, I think.
No, let's go somewhere else.
- You want to? - Shit yeah.
That's be good.
Um, I need to change my shoes first.
Rightio.
- [ Thoughtfully .]
Twins.
- Yeah.
Twins.
NICK: Come on, Mel.
MEL: You'll just have to wait.
Shoes don't come easy.
You'll have to wait.
Just hurry it up, you lunatic.
Hurry? You cannot hurry shoes.
That's not how it works.
Footwear will not be rushed.
What's so good about bloody shoes? Shoes say an awful lot about who you are, how you're feeling, where you're going to go and how you're going to get there.
Oh, poor shoes.
There's a lot of pressure on those little bits of leather, you know? No, you don't understand.
Look at them.
Well.
These, I like.
Yeah, they're special.
Are they? I don't wear them when I'm working.
- Well, we'd best put them on, then.
- [ Sexily .]
Mmm.
When I've got them on it's just for me.
It's just me and my shoes going out for a good time.
That's nice.
You told me something about you.
[ Half-Laughs .]
So I wanted to tell you something about me.
Thank you, Melanie.
- [ Laughs Breathlessly .]
- [ Pants .]
Have you always been you know? What, a maitre d? [ Facetiously .]
Yes, that's exactly what I want to know.
No, um, I used to be a school principal.
- No way.
- Mmm.
Not just any principal, I was good.
I mean it.
I could, um I could take an underfunded suburban nightmare and make it a decent place, you know, a decent environment.
- Wow.
- [ Sighs .]
What happened? Oh, school found out, gossip.
Like hot chips to seagulls and now I can't go back to teaching.
That's awful.
You never thought maybe you should try and [ Inhales .]
Get help? Am I hurting somebody? Am I a threat? - No.
- No.
I don't know, I guess maybe some people might get worried, you know? A grown man, little kids.
I don't go for little kids.
I don't go for anybody, I don't have sexual feelings.
All I want is a clean nappy and the right to suck my thumb, that's all.
That's not so terrible in this world, is it? It just seems like a lot of hard work, though, for you.
Yeah? Well, how often do you take the easy road? Thanks for taking me out today.
It's been the best day of my life.
[ Car Horns Honk .]
[ Kisses Noisily .]
[ Grunts Happily .]
I wanna suck you.
What? I'm gonna give you the best blow job ever.
- Oh.
- [ Pleasurably .]
Mmm.
Uh, hey, I'm r I'm cool for that, come here.
Oh, I'll give it away for free, Vinnie, just because I like you.
Hm? [ Kisses Noisily .]
[ Sighs .]
And that's great, but, hey, I'm politely turning down your offer.
'Cause I'm just I really Don't you like the way I do it? I didn't say that.
Well, let me finish what I started.
Mmm.
[ Kisses .]
[ Sighs .]
Can you can you not? - [ Sighs .]
- Jesus.
Who's in charge here? You want to be the client you can start paying me.
[ Exhales .]
[ Keyboard Taps .]
[ Computer Beeps .]
It crashes every time I try and boot up.
I don't know what's gone wrong.
Well, it's probably all that pirate software you've got loaded in there.
I don't have any pirate software.
What about that cheap stuff you brought back from Shanghai? That's not pirate software, it's all good quality.
No, it's not.
It's cheap and it's pirate.
I don't believe it, look at this.
It's Bonnie, it's Chloe's kid.
ACHILLES: I'll get Chloe, then.
Wait.
She's got a couple of her best clients in tonight.
- I'd leave it for now.
- Nat What's the point in upsetting her? Nat.
Go and get her.
Thank you.
[ Car Horn Honks .]
I swear, I'm no good at it.
He was practically begging me not to go down on him.
Maybe he just doesn't like blow jobs.
He's a man - of course he likes blow jobs.
- Nah-uh-uh, not necessarily.
- [ Sighs .]
Now you're really messing with my head.
No, it's true.
Some men just don't like it.
- [ Footsteps .]
- CHLOE: Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
You're in early.
Mmm, I need cash.
Bonnie has an excursion to the snow.
- Oh, that sounds expensive.
- It is.
Chloe, have you got a minute? OK, I'll just get rid of my stuff.
Achilles, can I ask you something personal? [ Uncertainly .]
Sure.
Uh, your male friends, do any of them hate oral sex? - This is a joke? - [ Sighs .]
CHLOE: OK, let's go.
[ Sighs .]
[ Computer Beeps .]
CHLOE: She must have followed me.
Is she still out there? [ Computer Beeps .]
NAT: Doesn't look like it.
- I'd better go and check.
- I wouldn't.
I'd give yourself some time to think about What it is you're actually going to say to her.
Nat, I've been thinking about it since the day she could speak.
There's nothing to indicate what kind of place this is.
It could be any business in here.
[ Sighs .]
- [ Computer Beeps .]
- It doesn't matter.
CHLOE: I have to tell her.
It's time she knew the whole story.
[ Sighs .]
Hey, Natalie.
Owen, I didn't know you were coming in today.
- Would you like to see Heather? - No.
I, um I was just in the area.
Oh, you're looking for a little change of scenery.
Well, I've got a new little Japanese girl.
What's your policy on sperm? I'm sorry? I mean, the condoms.
The used ones, what happens to them? We throw them in the rubbish.
[ Quietly .]
So my seed, it all ends up in the rubbish.
- Yep.
Is that a problem? - [ Inhales Sharply .]
I don't know, uh I've never thought about it before.
Well, you can take it home with you.
- Gino's waiting for you in room two.
- NAT: You could pay a little extra.
- NAT: We'll even giftwrap it for you.
- OWEN: I'm serious.
When you think about it, this this stuff is my DNA.
[ Inhales .]
It's my blueprint.
It's so personal.
It's this medical inspection.
[ Sighs .]
Everything's OK.
You inspected me last time.
So I can enjoy myself too.
Yeah, well, it's just so not sexy.
I don't know how this is supposed to turn me on, you know? Don't you worry about that.
We'll find a way to turn you on.
[ Quietly .]
Yeah.
Why don't you go and have a shower? [ Laughs Quietly .]
Hey, um, check this out.
What's that, baby? Just read it.
[ Sighs .]
Doctor's certificate.
Yeah.
Sexual health clinic test results.
- And I'm all clear.
- That's great, Gino.
Yeah, so that's two inspections I've passed.
And I'm thinking I don't want to wear a condom.
Listen.
[ Seductively .]
The way I put it on, you won't even know it's there.
Seriously, just look at the results.
I saw them, Gino.
Look, I will pay you extra.
Come on, Heather.
And if you're worried about getting pregnant - Let go! - Hey, hey, hey.
Whoa, whoa.
[ Sighs .]
OK.
I'm just asking for this one little favour ALLY: You think I'm going to put some random guy's jizz inside me? [Echoed.]
I've made a few changes to the parenting agreement.
ALLY: Have you ever thought about getting pregnant yourself? Let's go make a baby.
I've made a few changes to the parenting agreement.
You think I'm going to put some random guy's jizz inside me? GINO: It's safe, I don't have to wear a condom.
Whoa! Whoa! Hey! [ Furiously .]
Don't touch me! You don't ever touch me again, do you hear me? - [ Door Slams .]
- He wanted sex without a condom.
I said no, he got agro with me.
- You didn't hit the buzzer.
- I didn't get a chance.
You don't believe me.
Of course I believe you.
I'm just worried where you're at lately.
I'm OK.
[ Sighs .]
First you're sneaking your girlfriend into the toilets for a private moment and now this.
Plus I've had Owen in here quizzing me.
- What about? - [ Sighs .]
He thinks you're stealing his sperm.
- Look, I want you to go home.
- You're sending me home? I want you to sort out whatever personal problem it is you're having and maybe get some rest.
- No! - Take some time out.
I've got a mortgage to pay, Nat, please.
All the more reason for you to get yourself sorted out.
[ Opens Door .]
[ Grunts .]
[ Sighs .]
[ Car Horns Honk .]
[ Sighs Angrily .]
Fuck.
ALEX: Hi, Heather.
I was just coming to see you.
No, forget it, Alex.
I'm not working, I can't help you.
Oh, no, I wanted to give you these.
[ Children Chatter Playfully .]
It started out so normal - two people who love each other, wanting to have a family.
All we needed was one teeny-weeny little thing like a couple of plants in need of some pollen.
You wouldn't think it would be so hard just to get started.
[ Voice Shakes .]
And now we're so far down the track we don't recognise each other and I don't know what it is I want more - the motherhood thing or the lovey-dovey couple thing.
It feels like the one depends on the other anyway so now we're just kind of doomed.
And maybe that's God or nature itself saying, "Nah "you're gay and you're a sex worker.
"And you're mad "and there's no way in hell you're allowed to be anyone's fucking mum.
" [ Sobs Shakily .]
- [ Sniffs .]
- [ Whispers .]
There, there.
[ Sobs .]
ALEX: Shh.
I think you're the best mum in the world.
BONNIE: Mum.
[ Whispers .]
Goodnight, sweetie.
[ Kissies Bonnies .]
How come you go that place? You know the place I mean.
I've seen you go there lots of times.
Bonnie, what have you been doing? Kirsten's dad lives in that street.
Bon, you don't belong anywhere near that place.
But why do you go there? What happens there? It's my business and it's private.
But you tell me that you're at work.
You said that you were going straight to work at the casino and that is not true, there is no casino there.
You lied to me.
[ Breathes Shakily .]
Bon I I go to that place because [ Inhales .]
because I need a treatment.
Treatment? What for? [ Sighs .]
I was sick but and I needed some treatment, but I'm I'm OK now.
Is it like cancer or something? Is that why you didn't tell me? No, look, honey [ Breathes Shakily .]
I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to worry because I'm fine now.
[ Emotionally .]
Mum, I'm sorry I didn't know.
- Shh.
- I'm sorry.
That's OK.
Just promise me that you won't go back to that place.
[ Inhales Shakily .]
OK? Everything's going to be fine.
[ Television Babble .]
- [ Television Fizzes .]
- Oi! What the fuck have I just done? You just turned it off at the good bit.
Josh, I just lied to Bonnie.
Is that, um is that a new thing? I told her I've got cancer.
You what? No, to be exact, I told her that I had cancer and that I'd had treatment but I was OK now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Isis any of that true? At all? No.
[ Sighs .]
But it was easier than telling her what I did for a living.
[ Whispers .]
Shit.
Come here.
[ Sighs .]
ALLY: I spoke to Philomena at work.
She said Sweden is the place.
They've got great programs for lesbian couples who want children.
- Sweden.
- It's just a couple of plane tickets.
- And they've got great cheese.
- I think that's Holland.
And she said a friend of hers, Jeff, could be a potential donor.
And you've met him, he's a painter.
He seems really cool.
That sounds great.
[ Disappointedly .]
Oh, do you have to go? [ Picks Up Keys .]
I won't be long.
[ Sighs .]
Don't work too hard.
Thanks for coming.
I really appreciate it.
It feels very weird being here as grown-up Alex and not baby Alex.
Are you sure you're OK with it? Well, I just hope I can do it.
I haven't had sex for maybe 10 years.
[ Inhales .]
I feel very nervous.
Me too for once.
[ Laughs Nervously .]
Maybe I just lie next to you for a second.
Oh, I took that pill you gave me - Cialis.
Is that like Viagra? Yeah, something like that.
Do you think I'm insane doing this? No, no, I uh I think you're doing it because you love Ally and you want to have a family.
- That's what I reckon.
- Mmm.
[ Inhales .]
You know, I think that pill is starting to work.
Ally.
Ally.
[ Music Plays on Headphones .]
Guess what? I'm pregnant.
What? I'm up the duff.
[ Laughs .]
- We're gonna have a baby.
- That's not funny.
I'm not trying to be funny, I'm serious.
- I'm pregnant.
- Are you out of your fucking mind? No, I've done it, honey.
I've made it so you don't have to do any of that stuff anymore - the calender watching and the temperature taking and all of that.
You've done it and you're just telling me this now.
Well, I wanted to make sure, just in case.
Who are you pregnant to? No, wait, do I even want to know the answer to that? I can explain everything.
It was really easy.
[ Abruptly .]
Easy? It's not easy.
Don't you ever say that.
But, Ally, that's not what I meant.
[ Angrily .]
You're insane, you really are.
You're completely insane.
- Ally, please calm down.
- Don't touch me! You get pregnant and then you want to talk about it.
- Ally, listen to me.
- Nah.
If you want it that way, fine.
You're on your own.
[ Opens Door .]
[ Slams Door .]
[ Cries .]
Baby [ Pants and Sighs .]
[ Whimpers in Ecstasy .]
[ Chuckles Deliriously .]
[ Moans .]
[ Chuckles .]
[ Laughs Breathlessly .]
That was amazing! [ Laughs .]
- I love you.
- Babe - [ Doorbell Rings .]
- Ohh! - Oh, no.
Nobody home.
- [ Sighs .]
[ Whispers .]
I'm so home.
Thank you.
[ Whispers .]
It's very very [ Moans .]
good to be home.
[ Whispers .]
Ally [ Sighs .]
[ Sighs .]
It'll be the Mormons.
- [ Grunts .]
Mormons - [ Chuckles .]
We don't want to be Mormons, do we? [ Groans .]
Uh-uh.
Mmm, maybe - all those wives.
- [ Laughs .]
- MAN; Are you up there? Oh! [ Sighs .]
Gary! I came as fast as I could.
[ Sighs .]
Me too.
[ Chuckles .]
- Oh, is this a bad time? - Yes.
No.
I'll be right down.
Gary's here.
Hello, Edie.
- Did we get you out of bed? - No, of course not.
Oh, God, look at this mess! I can't believe you got back so soon.
Oh, as soon as we got the message He's like, 'We're out of here - Ally's ovulating.
" Well, it was very good of you.
Thank you.
- So much for pears in red wine.
- Hey? Oh, we were staying at Edie's sister's For the weekend.
She does great pears in red wine.
There'll be other times.
- Hey.
Hi.
- Ally! I was gonna bring some wine, sorry.
I didn't know if that was the right thing to do or not.
- Alcohol is always a good idea.
- Cheers.
Where's mine? Um, I'm going to make you a herbal tea.
Bullshit.
I'm gonna have nine months of being sober.
Here's to that.
Of course we are.
All this before.
Yeah, we have.
This time, however It's going to work.
On that note, Gaz let's go make a baby.
[ Inhales excitedly .]
SONG: # Immerse yourself in me # # In bliss and ecstasy # # Playing your games of passion # # Naked seduction # # And breathless emotion # # Sea of love in satin # # I want you, oh # # To satisfy # # Satisfy # # I want you # # To satisfy # # Embrace me # # Hey, yeah.
# Gaz? Yeah? You OK? Yeah, um Edie, I really hope this isn't completely messing up all your plans.
Well, Ally is on heat.
So how come you guys don't adopt? Apart from wanting to have our own the whole system is geared towards legally married hetero couples.
- Mmm, you could go to a sperm bank.
- Same deal.
You can't just walk in there and buy sperm like you buy a loaf of bread.
[ Chuckles .]
I mean, there's fertility tests and psychological tests - Is that right? - Yeah.
You never thought of this before? Hey? Before you decided to be gay.
Edie, you and Gary have discussed this, yeah? Well, yes, of course we have.
It's just that I know that you guys haven't been together long, and Whoa-ho! [ Laughs .]
You just worry about your own world.
You're the one with the problems.
Do you want me to get Edie to give you some help? Ally Ally, I think I can do it.
I mean, unless you want to give me a hand.
Nah, it's OK.
I'm not very good with penises.
[ Sighs .]
Say that again.
I'm not very good with penises.
[ Pants .]
Can you say that one more time? [ Whispers Silkily .]
I'm not very good with penises.
[ Pants .]
Ohh.
Ohh! So, like, um, this kid - you gonna? Well, it's gonna be a lesbian, yeah? Well, actually, we were hoping for twins.
That way, if one of them is straight, we can have it terminated.
- Are you serious? - Are you? Well, look, I just want to know, because, like, I'm gonna be the stepmother of this kid Hang on.
No, Edie, you're not really the stepmother.
- Excuse me? - You're not the stepmother.
You're not step-anything.
You're step-backwards 10 yards.
[ Sighs .]
Here it is - All set and ready to go.
Here's hoping.
Yeah.
[ Washes Hands .]
We made the deal with Gary, not with you.
Are you on the birth? Who cares whose name is on the birth certificate? - Is your name gonna be on the? - It doesn't make a difference! It's a legality.
If me and Gaz ever get married, I'll be way more closely related to that kid than you'll ever be! - Oh, like fuck you will! - GAZ: Hey! Fingers crossed.
- This is stupid, the whole thing.
- What? What is? Gary, can you please get this moron out of my house? You're so rude! Get the fuck outta my house.
Hey, guys! Mission accomplished.
CHLOE: I reckon Bonnie's on to me about work.
She totally freaked me out.
And what's worse, she knew I was freaked out.
Bonnie's not dumb, Chloe.
What do you think I should tell her the truth? - Mmm, nuh.
- [ Both Laugh .]
It's not like the truth is gonna make anybody happy.
Don't have kids - that's the answer.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean that.
No, it's OK.
We get the results today.
- Attempt number 1,602.
[ Laughs .]
- Fingers crossed.
- Yeah.
- Good luck.
Have you ever thought about getting pregnant yourself? Me? [ Chuckles .]
No! I couldn't give up heaps of stuff, like working - And drinking? - Yes! Drinking! Drinking and drinking.
Come on.
Let's go.
Meow! [ Man Pants .]
[ Woman Moans .]
Yeah, I'm trying.
Hard to know which way to look here.
I don't know why.
To get excited about.
[ Laughs .]
[ Grunts .]
MAN: Oh yeah, do more of that.
[ Laughs .]
- MAN: Hey! Whoa! - Hey? - MAN: Hey? Where you going? - Nature calls.
I'll be two seconds.
- Oi! - Can we come with you? Nuh.
Not unless you want to pay extra.
MAN: Oh.
- TIPPI: Heather - MAN: Yeah! [ Tippi Moans .]
You have to relax, Gino, if you want me to bounce.
Ready? - TIPPI: OK.
Ready? - MAN: Yeah.
Oh [ Pants .]
Gino, we'll just slide up and down, OK? - TIPPI: Heather? You're missing out.
- Coming.
- [ Tippi Moans .]
- MAN: Shit [ Sighs .]
- Heather, you're late.
- 3 minutes late.
Well, it's daylight saving - messes me up.
We're not in daylight saving right now.
We should be.
Your favourite client's here.
- Which one? - Alexander.
Got here early - I put him in room three.
- How long's he paid for? - An hour.
SINGS: # Rock-a-bye baby on the treetop # [ Bubbles Pop .]
# When the wind blows # # The cradle will rock # Little man? Where are you? [ Alex Whimpers .]
[ Shrieks Happily .]
Hey.
- [ Pants Excitedly .]
- What are you doing? What are you doing? - What are you up to? Hmm? Where's he gone? Where is Alexander? [ Pants .]
Where is baby Alex? - Gotcher! - [ Laughs Gleefully .]
Do you want to come up here on the bed? It's nice and warm.
Mamma [ Magical Tinkling .]
[ Laughs .]
Lauren, do you know anything about rechargeable batteries? - LAUREN: Only that they're rechargeable.
- [ Sighs .]
To be honest, I haven't had much to do with them.
Yeah.
I looked into it once, but the recharger was super-expensive.
- Why do you need so many batteries? - [ Sighs .]
I collect torches.
I'm sorry.
I'm just not on the ball today.
Oh, Lauren, it'll get better.
You'll get more clients the more you get the hang of it I just don't think I'm very good at certain things.
What things? Just some things don't come as naturally to me as maybe I hear you.
Greek's not for everyone.
It took me a week to get used to it.
- I'm talking about oral sex.
- Blow jobs? Shh! I just don't think I've ever learnt how to do it, not properly.
Well, Tippi can fix that.
All you need is a lesson or two.
Come on! OK.
- Oh! [ Laughs .]
- [ Giggles .]
[ Alarm Beeps .]
Oh, Alex, I've gotta go.
- [ Whimpers .]
- Seriously, sweetheart, time's up.
- [ Cries .]
- No.
Excuse me?! Mummy No, Alex, seriously, I've gotta go.
I've got another client.
[ Sighs .]
OK.
OK.
Please.
Do you think next time you could wear something a bit more 'mummy'? You must have some sensible shoes somewhere.
Yeah, I'll see what I can do.
Come on.
Owen? Hello, handsome.
You're so beautiful.
Aww.
Thank you.
I'm very glad you're here.
- Well, I don't know about that.
- Of course I am.
Well, it's very kind of you to say so, even if it isn't true.
- [ Chuckles .]
- You're so good to me.
You're very good to me too.
[ Chuckles .]
Sweetheart room five - give up two seconds.
Don't start without me.
Hey, baby, it's me.
Listen, can you meet me at work in an hour? It's a surprise.
I'll tell you when you get here.
'Bye.
[ Sighs .]
Sorry about that.
Now where were we, handsome? No, no.
Come and sit up here beside me.
I've bought you a present.
You shouldn't have.
Chutney.
My wife used to make it for me, and now I'm making it for you and your girlfriend.
Mel.
Nick.
Nice to have you on our books.
Well, it's early days yet.
[ Chuckles .]
Let's celebrate.
What are you drinking? I'm not.
I'm working.
I've already signed on the dotted line, Nick.
You don't have to fork out for champagne.
It's alright, I just like to drink to these things, you know? It's an Armenian tradition.
I didn't know you were Armenian.
No, I'm not.
[ Laughs .]
That's funny.
Listen, I will be at the Stork on Wednesday at 2:00.
I'll save you a seat.
[ Moaning .]
[ Man Laughs .]
Oh oh, yes.
Oh, yes! Oh, yes.
Ohh! Ohh! Ohhh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh I love viagra! - Aww.
- Ahhh [ Pants .]
Ahh Mmm.
Ahh.
[ Exhales .]
[ Sighs .]
I like Viagra too.
[ Both Laughs .]
Heather? What was that? What? What are you doing? - What are you doing? - Forgot my watch.
- It's right here.
- Oh.
[ Chuckles .]
That was lucky.
You know, you were fantastic today.
Oh, go on.
- I bet you say that to all the boys.
- Yep.
But occasionally I mean it.
Come on.
I'll walk you out.
- Tell me what's going on! - You'll see! Mmm! You haven't dragged me into the toilets for years! Shh! Listen, I've been thinking about it, and we've got all the sperm we need.
Who needs Gary or anybody else? What? You're not serious? Jesus! I know the guy, and he's fit, he's healthy, and he's clean.
Forget it.
No.
- Listen to me.
Ally, wait! - No.
No way! - Ally, wait! - No! Hey.
You guys OK? Yeah.
We were just having a private moment.
Yeah.
Right.
Well, it's pretty busy out there.
[ Door Closes .]
You're up.
I had a few things I needed to drink.
And I'm wondering, you know, what the hell's going on in your brain? That stunt you pulled - that was so weird.
I thought I was doing the right thing.
The right thing? You think I'm gonna put some random guy's jizz inside me? It came from a client.
[ Sarcastically .]
Oh, well, it came from a client! He's a regular, I know him.
He's very safe.
Are you kidding? He goes to brothels and fucks prostitutes.
Well, you come home and fuck one.
What's the diff? What? I'm one of your clients now? No, I'm sorry.
I just thought I could solve everything.
This one you can't.
Not like that.
Gary's coming tonight.
I'm gonna talk to him, try and convince him to give it another go.
What makes you think Gary's the answer? Gary and his nincompoop girlfriend! - 'Cause I trust him.
- Well, I don't care about trust.
We just need someone who packs real bullets.
You need sleep or something.
You're losing the plot.
No.
I'm trying to keep this togther.
OK.
Well tonight, be nice to Gary and the girlfriend.
You know I will.
I charm the pants off Gary and the moron.
[ Laughs .]
- Nuh.
- No.
Good change.
[ Both Chuckle .]
Bon, you haven't done any homework at all this week.
I do it all at school.
How can it be homework if you can do it at school? 'Cause I get it all finished in class.
And, anyway, you're my main homework.
- Me? - No, Mum.
We're having Careers Day, and people come and they talk about their work and what they do, and I volunteered you.
Oh, Bon, I don't think I'd be very I just said that you'd come and you'd talk about the casino and everything.
- Sounds pretty cool.
- Mmm.
Why don't you get Josh? He'd be much more interesting.
He could talk about music, recording No, I want you.
And I told everyone that you'd come.
OK.
[ Groans .]
Bonnie nominates me for Career's Day, and what do you say? "That sounds pretty cool.
" - What was I supposed to say? - I don't know.
What am I supposed to do? - You could tell her.
- Mmm.
And admit to her that I've been lying to her all this time? I can't.
Telling the truth, in theory, always sounds great.
In reality, I don't think I'm sufficiently horrible.
You could stop working.
We've talked about that.
I'm just saying.
For Bonnie's sake.
Or you could go to her school and give a talk about dealing blackjack.
It's just 21, isn't it? If you go over 21, then you go bust.
[ Sighs .]
I absolutely apologise for what I said that day.
You called Edie a moron.
I'm sorry.
I've been so stresses out.
I rang you 14 times.
I've left messages.
Gary, please tell me what I have to do to make this right.
Look, Edie's really smart once you get to know her.
Look, the thing is do you want to try again? Because we're keen, if you're keen.
All I ever want to do is help you guys.
So let's give it another go.
[ Sighs .]
Yeah, let's do that.
[ Laughs Ecstatically .]
Fantastic, Gaz! We could even try tonight, if you're up for it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
[ Chuckles .]
There's there's just one thing.
I've made a few changes to the parenting agreement.
I'm thinking access is important to me.
Yeah.
We've discussed that.
GAZ: We have, I know.
It's just I've thought more about a few things.
Uh-huh.
Well, everything's open to discussion down the track.
Not everything.
Gary, this list is insane! We can't agree to this.
Hang on, Ally, surely we can work something out.
"Unrestricted access"? What, you can see the child whenever you want? - I am the biological parent.
- Yeah, but come on! A-Ally, Gary, we're all on the same team here, you know.
- We don't need to argue about this - Have a look at this stuff! Did Edie put you up to this? I have to respect her feelings! Oh, shit, Gaz! Why don't you and the moron have the baby yourselves! I can't believe you just used that word.
- She didn't mean it, Gaz.
- I didn't.
I'm sorry, I really didn't.
But I can't do this.
No way.
Well, that's your call, Ally.
Hey! Hang on! Gary, wait! - No.
You talk to Ally.
- No.
Listen! - GAZ: It's up to her.
- We just need to Hang on! [ Door Slams .]
Well, that's it, then.
There goes our one great chance.
He wants unrestricted access.
Him and the moron come take our baby whenever they get the urge.
- It wouldn't work like that.
- How else would it work? Well, we'd fight him on that one later.
- What about your job? - What about it? There's a clause in there that says your occupation might have an adverse impact on the kid.
Well, that's just people who don't understand.
If he's this demanding now, how's it gonna end? It just ended, thanks to you! [ Sighs .]
- [ Strains .]
- Give me that.
[ Opens Jar .]
[ Chuckles .]
You know, sometimes I wonder if you're really into this thing.
- You what? - Hey! I'm just trying to talk to you.
[ Sighs .]
After all this temperature taking, and stupid, humiliating questionnaires? [ Sobs .]
Sticking things up my vajootz like I'm some sort of a breeding sow - you ask me if I'm into it? I'm just trying to get us over the line.
Or what? What if we don't get over the line? Come here.
I'm sorry.
[ Mobile Phone Keys Beep .]
MEL: Organising a replacement, are you? [ Puts Down Phone .]
- I was thinking about it, yeah.
- [ Laughs Smugly .]
- Surprised you showed up.
- No, you're not.
You're happy I showed up.
Aren't you a feisty little thing? [ Laughs Smugly .]
Well, it is part of the job description.
- Bollinger? - Yes.
We'll have one of those, thanks, mate.
But where on earth did you get a baby's playsuit in your size, Alex? - ALEX: Don't know.
- What do you mean, you don't know? You just told me you've got one at home.
I don't know.
Well, is there, like, a shop for you guys? Hey, I'm a baby, I can't answer questions, OK? You know, technically, if you're a baby you can't walk either.
So I'm a toddler.
Please.
Oh, shit! You've got it all over yourself.
Mummy, don't swear.
- [ Splat! .]
- [ Gasps .]
[ Sternly .]
Alex, what are you doing? Yucky, Mummy! Yeah, that's right, yucky.
Come here.
Sit down.
Disgusting.
Come here.
I don't know how I let you talk me into this.
Where do you want to go next? Gaa-gaa.
[ Groans .]
Yes, I get it, you're a baby.
You can't talk.
But you're also the client, Alex.
What about the park? [ Excitedly .]
Park! Park! [ Chuckles .]
[ Gasps .]
Look at this! Which one do you want to play on first? Mamma, baby need change.
- What? - Change baby's nappy.
Mamma change baby's nappy.
[ Laughs Incredulously .]
Nah-uh! No way! [ Imploringly .]
Mamma.
No, you don't have enough money for that kind of service, Alex.
- Not even if you won Powerball.
- Mamma change nappy.
Forget it.
Bad Mummy.
Bad, bad, bad Mummy! - [ Mutters Indistinctly .]
- [ Sighs Happily .]
Right.
[ Breathes Heavily .]
OK.
One, two [ Moans Happily .]
Alex, you haven't done anything.
Yes, I have.
Nappy need changing.
[ Exhales .]
Oh.
Clean nappy.
Baby wipes.
- [ Sighs Happily .]
- Ready? - [ Mumbles Contentedly .]
- Nice and soft.
- Hey? - Mmmm.
- OK.
- [ Pants Happily .]
Hey, who is the cutest boy in the world? - [ Half-Laughs .]
- Who is he? - [ Joyously .]
Mamma.
- [ Playfully .]
Who is he? - [ Blows Raspberry .]
- [ Chuckles Joyfully .]
Who is the cutest boy in the world? [ Excitedly .]
Alex! Alex! - [ Whispers .]
Hey.
- [ Silent .]
[ Calmly .]
Who is the most beautiful boy in the world? I think you are.
[ Knock At Door .]
WOMAN: Are you gonna be much longer? Fuck! Coming! - Alex, what are we going to do? - [ Whimpers Softly .]
Hey, Alex, what's up? I I love you, Mamma.
[ Breathes .]
I love you.
[ Sighs .]
[ Exhales Noisily .]
[ Exhales Happily .]
Anyway, so, Bette Davis like, there's twins in this film.
Mm-hm.
And there's, you know, of course there's the good one and she's really sweet and just gorgeous.
And of course there's the bad one, right, and she's a bit more More interesting.
Interesting.
Alright, yeah, that's one way to put it.
- You know, she's an operator, right.
- Mm-hm.
Bette Davis always plays twins, doesn't she? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I only watch films with twins in them.
So anyway, so, the bad one, she's manoeuvring to get a hold Hang on, re rewind.
What do you mean, you only watch films with twins? That's what I said - I only watch films with twins in them.
- Really? - Yeah.
How many are there?[Laughs.]
I mean, that's kind of narrowing it down.
No, it's not, there's shit loads.
There's 'The Parent Trap'.
there's 'Holiday in the Sun', there's 'Twins' with DeVito and Schwarzenegger.
'Holiday in the Sub'? What's that one? Yeah, oh, that's the Olsen twins.
You like the Olsen twins? Yeah, I like Ashley a lot.
- [ Laughs .]
- What? Hang on, can I just finish my story? - Right? - [ Laughs .]
Sorry.
So the bad one steals the good one's fiance, right? - [ Playfully .]
No! - [ Chuckles .]
Yeah.
- Naughty girl.
- A classic twin manoeuvre.
Really? You don't happen to have a twin, do you? Yes, I do, I do.
[ Laughs .]
And he looks fantastic in suspenders.
- [ Glass Knocks .]
- Ah, sh Taxi! [ Chuckles .]
Have to get you a cab.
- [ Giggles .]
- Actually, more champagne, I think.
No, let's go somewhere else.
- You want to? - Shit yeah.
That's be good.
Um, I need to change my shoes first.
Rightio.
- [ Thoughtfully .]
Twins.
- Yeah.
Twins.
NICK: Come on, Mel.
MEL: You'll just have to wait.
Shoes don't come easy.
You'll have to wait.
Just hurry it up, you lunatic.
Hurry? You cannot hurry shoes.
That's not how it works.
Footwear will not be rushed.
What's so good about bloody shoes? Shoes say an awful lot about who you are, how you're feeling, where you're going to go and how you're going to get there.
Oh, poor shoes.
There's a lot of pressure on those little bits of leather, you know? No, you don't understand.
Look at them.
Well.
These, I like.
Yeah, they're special.
Are they? I don't wear them when I'm working.
- Well, we'd best put them on, then.
- [ Sexily .]
Mmm.
When I've got them on it's just for me.
It's just me and my shoes going out for a good time.
That's nice.
You told me something about you.
[ Half-Laughs .]
So I wanted to tell you something about me.
Thank you, Melanie.
- [ Laughs Breathlessly .]
- [ Pants .]
Have you always been you know? What, a maitre d? [ Facetiously .]
Yes, that's exactly what I want to know.
No, um, I used to be a school principal.
- No way.
- Mmm.
Not just any principal, I was good.
I mean it.
I could, um I could take an underfunded suburban nightmare and make it a decent place, you know, a decent environment.
- Wow.
- [ Sighs .]
What happened? Oh, school found out, gossip.
Like hot chips to seagulls and now I can't go back to teaching.
That's awful.
You never thought maybe you should try and [ Inhales .]
Get help? Am I hurting somebody? Am I a threat? - No.
- No.
I don't know, I guess maybe some people might get worried, you know? A grown man, little kids.
I don't go for little kids.
I don't go for anybody, I don't have sexual feelings.
All I want is a clean nappy and the right to suck my thumb, that's all.
That's not so terrible in this world, is it? It just seems like a lot of hard work, though, for you.
Yeah? Well, how often do you take the easy road? Thanks for taking me out today.
It's been the best day of my life.
[ Car Horns Honk .]
[ Kisses Noisily .]
[ Grunts Happily .]
I wanna suck you.
What? I'm gonna give you the best blow job ever.
- Oh.
- [ Pleasurably .]
Mmm.
Uh, hey, I'm r I'm cool for that, come here.
Oh, I'll give it away for free, Vinnie, just because I like you.
Hm? [ Kisses Noisily .]
[ Sighs .]
And that's great, but, hey, I'm politely turning down your offer.
'Cause I'm just I really Don't you like the way I do it? I didn't say that.
Well, let me finish what I started.
Mmm.
[ Kisses .]
[ Sighs .]
Can you can you not? - [ Sighs .]
- Jesus.
Who's in charge here? You want to be the client you can start paying me.
[ Exhales .]
[ Keyboard Taps .]
[ Computer Beeps .]
It crashes every time I try and boot up.
I don't know what's gone wrong.
Well, it's probably all that pirate software you've got loaded in there.
I don't have any pirate software.
What about that cheap stuff you brought back from Shanghai? That's not pirate software, it's all good quality.
No, it's not.
It's cheap and it's pirate.
I don't believe it, look at this.
It's Bonnie, it's Chloe's kid.
ACHILLES: I'll get Chloe, then.
Wait.
She's got a couple of her best clients in tonight.
- I'd leave it for now.
- Nat What's the point in upsetting her? Nat.
Go and get her.
Thank you.
[ Car Horn Honks .]
I swear, I'm no good at it.
He was practically begging me not to go down on him.
Maybe he just doesn't like blow jobs.
He's a man - of course he likes blow jobs.
- Nah-uh-uh, not necessarily.
- [ Sighs .]
Now you're really messing with my head.
No, it's true.
Some men just don't like it.
- [ Footsteps .]
- CHLOE: Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
You're in early.
Mmm, I need cash.
Bonnie has an excursion to the snow.
- Oh, that sounds expensive.
- It is.
Chloe, have you got a minute? OK, I'll just get rid of my stuff.
Achilles, can I ask you something personal? [ Uncertainly .]
Sure.
Uh, your male friends, do any of them hate oral sex? - This is a joke? - [ Sighs .]
CHLOE: OK, let's go.
[ Sighs .]
[ Computer Beeps .]
CHLOE: She must have followed me.
Is she still out there? [ Computer Beeps .]
NAT: Doesn't look like it.
- I'd better go and check.
- I wouldn't.
I'd give yourself some time to think about What it is you're actually going to say to her.
Nat, I've been thinking about it since the day she could speak.
There's nothing to indicate what kind of place this is.
It could be any business in here.
[ Sighs .]
- [ Computer Beeps .]
- It doesn't matter.
CHLOE: I have to tell her.
It's time she knew the whole story.
[ Sighs .]
Hey, Natalie.
Owen, I didn't know you were coming in today.
- Would you like to see Heather? - No.
I, um I was just in the area.
Oh, you're looking for a little change of scenery.
Well, I've got a new little Japanese girl.
What's your policy on sperm? I'm sorry? I mean, the condoms.
The used ones, what happens to them? We throw them in the rubbish.
[ Quietly .]
So my seed, it all ends up in the rubbish.
- Yep.
Is that a problem? - [ Inhales Sharply .]
I don't know, uh I've never thought about it before.
Well, you can take it home with you.
- Gino's waiting for you in room two.
- NAT: You could pay a little extra.
- NAT: We'll even giftwrap it for you.
- OWEN: I'm serious.
When you think about it, this this stuff is my DNA.
[ Inhales .]
It's my blueprint.
It's so personal.
It's this medical inspection.
[ Sighs .]
Everything's OK.
You inspected me last time.
So I can enjoy myself too.
Yeah, well, it's just so not sexy.
I don't know how this is supposed to turn me on, you know? Don't you worry about that.
We'll find a way to turn you on.
[ Quietly .]
Yeah.
Why don't you go and have a shower? [ Laughs Quietly .]
Hey, um, check this out.
What's that, baby? Just read it.
[ Sighs .]
Doctor's certificate.
Yeah.
Sexual health clinic test results.
- And I'm all clear.
- That's great, Gino.
Yeah, so that's two inspections I've passed.
And I'm thinking I don't want to wear a condom.
Listen.
[ Seductively .]
The way I put it on, you won't even know it's there.
Seriously, just look at the results.
I saw them, Gino.
Look, I will pay you extra.
Come on, Heather.
And if you're worried about getting pregnant - Let go! - Hey, hey, hey.
Whoa, whoa.
[ Sighs .]
OK.
I'm just asking for this one little favour ALLY: You think I'm going to put some random guy's jizz inside me? [Echoed.]
I've made a few changes to the parenting agreement.
ALLY: Have you ever thought about getting pregnant yourself? Let's go make a baby.
I've made a few changes to the parenting agreement.
You think I'm going to put some random guy's jizz inside me? GINO: It's safe, I don't have to wear a condom.
Whoa! Whoa! Hey! [ Furiously .]
Don't touch me! You don't ever touch me again, do you hear me? - [ Door Slams .]
- He wanted sex without a condom.
I said no, he got agro with me.
- You didn't hit the buzzer.
- I didn't get a chance.
You don't believe me.
Of course I believe you.
I'm just worried where you're at lately.
I'm OK.
[ Sighs .]
First you're sneaking your girlfriend into the toilets for a private moment and now this.
Plus I've had Owen in here quizzing me.
- What about? - [ Sighs .]
He thinks you're stealing his sperm.
- Look, I want you to go home.
- You're sending me home? I want you to sort out whatever personal problem it is you're having and maybe get some rest.
- No! - Take some time out.
I've got a mortgage to pay, Nat, please.
All the more reason for you to get yourself sorted out.
[ Opens Door .]
[ Grunts .]
[ Sighs .]
[ Car Horns Honk .]
[ Sighs Angrily .]
Fuck.
ALEX: Hi, Heather.
I was just coming to see you.
No, forget it, Alex.
I'm not working, I can't help you.
Oh, no, I wanted to give you these.
[ Children Chatter Playfully .]
It started out so normal - two people who love each other, wanting to have a family.
All we needed was one teeny-weeny little thing like a couple of plants in need of some pollen.
You wouldn't think it would be so hard just to get started.
[ Voice Shakes .]
And now we're so far down the track we don't recognise each other and I don't know what it is I want more - the motherhood thing or the lovey-dovey couple thing.
It feels like the one depends on the other anyway so now we're just kind of doomed.
And maybe that's God or nature itself saying, "Nah "you're gay and you're a sex worker.
"And you're mad "and there's no way in hell you're allowed to be anyone's fucking mum.
" [ Sobs Shakily .]
- [ Sniffs .]
- [ Whispers .]
There, there.
[ Sobs .]
ALEX: Shh.
I think you're the best mum in the world.
BONNIE: Mum.
[ Whispers .]
Goodnight, sweetie.
[ Kissies Bonnies .]
How come you go that place? You know the place I mean.
I've seen you go there lots of times.
Bonnie, what have you been doing? Kirsten's dad lives in that street.
Bon, you don't belong anywhere near that place.
But why do you go there? What happens there? It's my business and it's private.
But you tell me that you're at work.
You said that you were going straight to work at the casino and that is not true, there is no casino there.
You lied to me.
[ Breathes Shakily .]
Bon I I go to that place because [ Inhales .]
because I need a treatment.
Treatment? What for? [ Sighs .]
I was sick but and I needed some treatment, but I'm I'm OK now.
Is it like cancer or something? Is that why you didn't tell me? No, look, honey [ Breathes Shakily .]
I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to worry because I'm fine now.
[ Emotionally .]
Mum, I'm sorry I didn't know.
- Shh.
- I'm sorry.
That's OK.
Just promise me that you won't go back to that place.
[ Inhales Shakily .]
OK? Everything's going to be fine.
[ Television Babble .]
- [ Television Fizzes .]
- Oi! What the fuck have I just done? You just turned it off at the good bit.
Josh, I just lied to Bonnie.
Is that, um is that a new thing? I told her I've got cancer.
You what? No, to be exact, I told her that I had cancer and that I'd had treatment but I was OK now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Isis any of that true? At all? No.
[ Sighs .]
But it was easier than telling her what I did for a living.
[ Whispers .]
Shit.
Come here.
[ Sighs .]
ALLY: I spoke to Philomena at work.
She said Sweden is the place.
They've got great programs for lesbian couples who want children.
- Sweden.
- It's just a couple of plane tickets.
- And they've got great cheese.
- I think that's Holland.
And she said a friend of hers, Jeff, could be a potential donor.
And you've met him, he's a painter.
He seems really cool.
That sounds great.
[ Disappointedly .]
Oh, do you have to go? [ Picks Up Keys .]
I won't be long.
[ Sighs .]
Don't work too hard.
Thanks for coming.
I really appreciate it.
It feels very weird being here as grown-up Alex and not baby Alex.
Are you sure you're OK with it? Well, I just hope I can do it.
I haven't had sex for maybe 10 years.
[ Inhales .]
I feel very nervous.
Me too for once.
[ Laughs Nervously .]
Maybe I just lie next to you for a second.
Oh, I took that pill you gave me - Cialis.
Is that like Viagra? Yeah, something like that.
Do you think I'm insane doing this? No, no, I uh I think you're doing it because you love Ally and you want to have a family.
- That's what I reckon.
- Mmm.
[ Inhales .]
You know, I think that pill is starting to work.
Ally.
Ally.
[ Music Plays on Headphones .]
Guess what? I'm pregnant.
What? I'm up the duff.
[ Laughs .]
- We're gonna have a baby.
- That's not funny.
I'm not trying to be funny, I'm serious.
- I'm pregnant.
- Are you out of your fucking mind? No, I've done it, honey.
I've made it so you don't have to do any of that stuff anymore - the calender watching and the temperature taking and all of that.
You've done it and you're just telling me this now.
Well, I wanted to make sure, just in case.
Who are you pregnant to? No, wait, do I even want to know the answer to that? I can explain everything.
It was really easy.
[ Abruptly .]
Easy? It's not easy.
Don't you ever say that.
But, Ally, that's not what I meant.
[ Angrily .]
You're insane, you really are.
You're completely insane.
- Ally, please calm down.
- Don't touch me! You get pregnant and then you want to talk about it.
- Ally, listen to me.
- Nah.
If you want it that way, fine.
You're on your own.
[ Opens Door .]
[ Slams Door .]
[ Cries .]