Schmigadoon! (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

1
And thank you to my amazing
bridesmaids for making it out here
to Alliance, Nebraska, for
our destination wedding.
And finally, I'd like to raise a glass
to my Grandpa and Grandma Froimson
for showing me what true
love should look like.
Fifty years ago they went on a walk
and walked straight to the courthouse.
They just knew.
My grandpa called it
the "Froimson Feeling."
And, Eddie, I have the
Froimson Feeling for you.
All right, bridesmaids. Time to dance.
I don't know this song. Nicole
never warned me about this.
The instructions are in
the song. Just follow along.
To the right, to the right ♪
To the left, to the right ♪
To the left, to the right ♪
To the left, to the left ♪
Step forward, to the right ♪
And now, it's time for the
bridesmaids' significant others
to join the ladies on the dance floor.
- Okay.
- Let's bring it home.
To the right, to the right ♪
To the left, to the right ♪
To the left, to the right ♪
To the left, to the left ♪
Step forward ♪
To the right, to the right ♪
You're good. Doing great.
Step backward ♪
To the left, to the left ♪
Would've been nice if
we'd danced together.
I know, but line dancing,
weddings, the whole
I hate it. You know how much I hate it.
Yeah, but you left me up
there alone, which I hate.
I'm sorry.
I love you. You know I love you, right?
Yeah, I do.
So Nicole and Eddie are married now.
Yeah. Yeah, crazy.
Even though they started
dating a year after we did.
Okay. What are the
top three for tonight?
Top three worst moments
of the evening. Go.
Okay. Number one: When Nicole's
grandfather got so drunk
that he started dancing with a tree.
Well, you you can't deny the
Froimson Feeling. You really
Number two: I I gotta go with
when that girl came
out of the photo booth
- barefoot, holding a skewer of lamb.
- Oh, yeah.
She definitely did not have
that skewer when she went in.
Uh-huh.
And number three is the DJ's
choice of "Blurred Lines"
for the daddy-daughter dance.
The lines between daddies and
daughters are pretty clear.
Damn gentlemen's punch.
Good morning, sunshine.
Hey! Thank you so much for last night.
It was really fun. So
I'll see you around?
Yee honk.
Where you off to so fast? Aren't
you gonna stay for breakfast?
Oh, wow.
This is a lot. You really went all out.
Well, that's what a fellow
does when he's found the one.
The what now?
You done tamed me ♪
This buck no longer is free ♪
A lady doctor from New York City ♪
Smiled at me with
her eyes all pretty ♪
Now I'm hooked and
it's made me giddy ♪
You done tamed me ♪
So what do you say? You ready
to make an honest man out of me?
Oh, Danny, no.
I'm flattered, uh, but I This
was really more of a one-night thing.
Plus, you know, Josh and I, we
just had a little lovers' spat,
um, made some mistakes,
extremely hot mistakes.
But Think we're
gonna patch things up.
So, yup.
I'm gonna skedaddle on out of here.
And you can go back to
being the town rapscallion.
But wait! ♪
How's a broken, busted carny like me ♪
Gonna provide for my brand-new ♪
Highfalutin, big city bride ♪
With a kid that's on the way? ♪
Oh. Whoa, okay. I'm not your bride.
And no need to worry about a baby
'cause I have this magic
thing called an IUD.
Course if he's a boy ♪
Everything will be fine ♪
But what if he's a girl? ♪
A dainty, delicate, pink-wearin' ♪
Frills and curls girl? ♪
That'd change everything ♪
But would it? Really?
And, again, I'm not preg
And so from this day forward I vow ♪
I'm gonna get me some money ♪
Someway, somehow ♪
I paid a colleague to insert a
copper, T-shaped device in my uterus
to prevent the implantation of
I gotta get some money ♪
And there's no way to make it ♪
Forget it.
So I'm gonna have to steal it ♪
Or even take it ♪
Those are the same thing.
Or filch it ♪
Or pilfer it, or rob it, or swipe it ♪
Or nick it, or thieve it ♪
Or finagle it ♪
Or abscond with it ♪
- Come on.
- Hey! Have any of you ladies seen Josh?
Show the ring.
Show the ring. Show the ring.
Show the ring. Show the ring.
Show the ring. Show
the ring. Show the ring.
Ladies, I'm proud to
announce that from now on,
you can call me Mrs.
Doctor Josh Skinner MD.
Yee honk.
Psst, Mel. Over here.
You ass. You're engaged?
After all the meltdowns you'd have
anytime I'd very casually
ask to look at rings? Online?
He was going to shoot me.
What? Who?
The farmer. Betsy's father.
He pointed a full-on Elmer
Fudd shotgun at my face
and forced me to propose to her
on the spot. I had no choice!
It's not funny!
Oh, it kind of is.
And, by the way, that girl is
apparently much younger than she looks.
Yeah, I tried to warn you.
Have you not seen Sound of
Music? Liesl is 16 going on 29.
And he's a doctor!
Women were so underwritten
in early musicals.
Wait a minute.
What?
Harvey, what's going on?
I'm so sorry, Miss Melissa.
They just came over all of a sudden
and made me clean out your rooms.
Who's "they"?
Well, it's it's it's
It is we.
The concerned citizens of the
Mothers Against the Future.
"The Mothers Against the Future"?
So, you're against the passage of time?
We are against city folk like you
contaminating our town
with your urban ways.
Exhibit A: you went off into the woods
with an innocent girl
and led her astray.
What? No No, I didn't.
Nothing even happened.
And Exhibit B: you spent the night
with that known fornicator Danny Bailey.
And also in my situation
nothing happened.
Just the same thing that
happened in his situation.
And you know what?
We are both outraged by
these outlandish allegations.
The only outrageous thing
here is your behavior,
which has now officially
been deemed as unseemly
by the Mothers Against the Future.
Therefore, no one, and I mean no one,
in Schmigadoon will give you lodging.
And, Harvey, don't even think about
letting them back in after I've left.
I can read you like a book.
Oh, wait, books have spines.
Y'all have a nice day.
Let's go, ladies.
So you and the carny actually
- Why?
- Why Why did you do the basket auction?
I
- Okay, look, we both made mistakes.
- Yeah.
So let's just move on.
We've got more important
things to deal with.
For instance, me being shot to death.
That's not gonna happen, Josh.
We're in a musical, okay?
Nobody gets killed in a musical.
Except Oklahoma! And Carousel.
And South Pacific. Oh,
hello, West Side Story.
That sounds like all the musicals.
So I'm dead, we have no place to
stay, and we're stuck here forever.
No, we're not. Okay,
here's what we're gonna do.
Uh, you go break things off with Betsy.
The farmer's not gonna shoot you.
And I will go find the mayor and see if
he can help us find
another place to stay.
And then what?
And then We're smart, we
found our way out of Ikea.
We'll find a way out of here.
Okay.
Sounds good.
I'm I'm gonna do it.
You'll be fine, I promise.
Hey, Betsy.
Hey there. And that is Mrs.
Doctor Josh Skinner to you.
Oh, Betsy.
So, there is something
we need to talk about.
Well, no kidding. I mean,
there are so many plans to make.
Oh, I just
I really can't wait to be married.
Yeah, that's pretty
clear. But you know what?
You are still young. And how
young, we'll probably never know.
But you have your
whole life ahead of you,
so there's no need to
rush into things, right?
But if it's true love
Well, sure. But
Wait a minute.
What if it is?
I mean, who knows what Schmigadoon
thinks is true love, right?
Maybe you're my way out.
Your way out of what?
But why are you so set on walking
across the footbridge right now?
Is there some kind of romantic reason?
Yes, exactly.
There's a romantic reason.
A very romantic reason.
Ooh. What is it?
- I'm gonna tell you right now.
- Okay.
What the reason is.
Because it's really romantic.
Um
It's something my family
calls the "Skinner Feeling."
The Skinner Feeling?
Yes! So, over 50 years ago,
my grandparents went for a
walk to the local footbridge.
And after they crossed,
they ended up walking straight
to the courthouse to get married.
Grandpa said once he crossed
that bridge with Grandma,
he knew, without a
doubt, it was true love.
- It was the Skinner Feeling.
- That's right.
And it's not to be doubted.
And only a Skinner can feel it.
And the other person can never
know whether he does or doesn't.
Dr. Josh Skinner,
that is the most beautiful
thing that I've ever heard.
Great. And so now it's tradition
for a Skinner to cross a
bridge with their betrothed
so they can be sure that it's true love.
Well, I for one would be honored
to cross this bridge with you.
- All right, sounds great. Let's do this.
- Okay.
Damn it.
So did you feel it? Just
like your Grandpa Skinner did?
Actually, no.
- I'm so sorry, Betsy.
- But
So then it's not true love?
Are we not getting married?
I guess not. I'm I'm
as confused as you are.
Damn this Skinner Feeling! It's
a It's a curse is what it is.
Papa's not gonna like this.
Yeah, so maybe we should
hold off letting him know
out of consideration for
his feelings and my life?
Papa!
Wait! Seriously, don't tell Papa!
You'll You'll be okay, Betsy!
There are plenty other guys out there!
Maybe some closer to your own age!
Whatever that is.
You just have to
keep trying.
So, what can I help you with, dear?
I'm actually looking
for the mayor. Is he in?
Sorry, no. He's on
one of his walks again.
He just loves going on his walks.
How are you finding
your rooms at the inn?
I always use a long piece of
string tied to the doorknob.
Actually, that's why I'm here.
Turns out, Mildred
Layton got us kicked out
and told everybody in
town not to put us up.
So I was hoping maybe
the mayor could intervene?
Oh, no.
The mayor doesn't want to run afoul
of the Mothers Against the Future.
I think they're witches.
So, where are we supposed to stay?
I'm not sure. Would
you be staying together?
I think so. It's still
a little complicated.
Hmm. You know, I heard Doc Lopez
was looking for a new nurse.
And the position comes
with room and board.
I'm, uh, a little overqualified to
be a nurse. I'm actually a doctor.
Well, maybe the mayor will be able to
help you once he gets
back from his walk.
He just loves his walks.
Sometimes he's gone for hours
on end just walking and walking.
Mrs. Menlove, forgive me for asking,
but how much do you really
know about your husband?
That's a good question.
He's a hard man to know, it seems.
Different.
Some men like to fight and curse ♪
They smoke and drink and yell ♪
Leave you flat, or even worse ♪
They stay and make life hell ♪
But my man is gentle ♪
As soft and sentimental ♪
As any lace adorned a valentine ♪
He's a queer one ♪
That man o' mine ♪
Oh, honey.
Some men stumble home at dark ♪
Want dinner and dessert ♪
Other men have eyes that spark ♪
At every passing skirt ♪
But my man loves cookin' ♪
I've never caught him lookin' ♪
At other gals more young ♪
Petite, or fine ♪
He's a queer one ♪
That man o' mine ♪
This was literally me in high school.
Show me any other man ♪
More tender or expressive ♪
I only wish that nightly ♪
He were slightly more aggressive ♪
There it is.
Sometimes it may seem like ♪
He is too good to be true ♪
Like there's a man that I can't see ♪
Just aching to break through ♪
I wish I could free him ♪
So I could finally see him ♪
The way he truly is ♪
And let him shine ♪
He's a queer one ♪
That man o' mine ♪
Mrs. Menlove, you could always
give your husband a little nudge
to help him break out of his shell.
Oh, no. I could never do that.
That's for him to decide, not me.
It's off! It's off! Doctor
Skinner's called it off.
Carson, what's this about?
Wait. Who called what off now?
Also is he just allowed
to burst in everywhere?
Dr. Skinner! He's broken
off the engagement.
- And now Betsy's devastated.
- It's off! It's off!
Wow. He did it. He actually did it.
Maybe Josh is finally ready
to commit to working on us.
And Grandpa said when he'd
crossed that bridge with Grandma,
that he knew, without a
doubt, that it was true love.
Oh, my.
He called it the "Skinner Feeling."
So which of you ladies wants
to cross this bridge with me?
Let's move it along 'cause there may or
may not be a farmer
who wants to kill me.
I hope it's me.
I didn't know about this
until ten seconds ago,
but now it's my only dream.
Sure, yeah! Let's make it
a number! Why the hell not?
I've heard it so often ♪
That I'm numb to it ♪
"Let's cross that bridge ♪
When we come to it" ♪
But now that I'm single ♪
Still at twenty-three ♪
I've got a new philosophy ♪
Find that bridge ♪
And cross it now ♪
Find that bridge ♪
And cross it right now ♪
Let the other gals keep waiting ♪
Wasting time, procrastinating ♪
Find that bridge ♪
And cross it right now ♪
- Find that guy ♪
- Find that guy ♪
- And get that ring ♪
- And get that ring ♪
Find that guy ♪
And getcha that ring ♪
Let the other ladies falter ♪
As they're racing for the altar ♪
Find that guy ♪
And getcha that ring, ring, ring ♪
Here come the groom,
here come the bride ♪
Let's all meet 'em on the other side ♪
Here come the groom,
here come the bride ♪
Let's all meet 'em on the other side ♪
Let's all meet 'em on the other side ♪
Let's all meet 'em on the other side ♪
- Oh.
- Oh.
It's I'm sorry. Oh.
I hate Good to Bye.
It's not a metaphor ♪
Oh, no, it's something more ♪
It's a literal bridge ♪
Sister, get that mister ♪
Go get him ♪
It's not a metaphor ♪
Oh, no, it's something more ♪
It's a literal bridge ♪
No.
Sister, get that mister ♪
Go get him ♪
- Find that bridge and cross it now ♪
- It's not a metaphor ♪
Oh, no, it's something more ♪
- Find that bridge and cross it now ♪
- It's a literal bridge ♪
- Next, please. Go.
- Every day you're hesitating ♪
Is a day your looks are fading ♪
Find that bridge ♪
- And cross it right now ♪
- Okay. All right. As I suspected.
Find that bridge and cross it now ♪
Someone's gotta be the right one!
Find that bridge and cross it right ♪
Oh, cross it now ♪
All the gals who dillydally ♪
End up dying in an alley ♪
Find that bridge ♪
And cross it right now ♪
Cross that bridge right now! ♪
All right, uh, who's next?
Come on, that can't be everyone.
Really? There's no one left?
Oh, yes!
- Unbelievable.
- Mel.
This is what you've been doing all day?
It was an experiment.
I was trying to figure out
a way to get us out of here.
You mean for you to get out of here?
While I run around town trying
to find a place for us to stay?
It's like you are
incapable of doing anything
but whatever takes the least
amount of emotional effort.
For the record, I don't
know how you define "effort,"
but there was a huge dance number.
- Goodbye, Josh.
- Mel Mel, come on.
No, no, no. Clearly we're
just out for ourselves now.
- Mel.
- Screw you, Josh.
You broke my daughter's heart.
- She told Papa!
- You're dead meat.
Yeah, that's a real gun.
Get back here, you!
Ouch! My bottom!
Sorry, Pete!
This sucks!
- Oh.
- Dr. Skinner?
Hi, Reverend. Sorry,
I Are you open, or
The house of the Lord is always
open. Stay as long as you'd like.
Beats going home, right?
Is something bothering you?
Sure, why not?
I've had a rough couple
of days here, Rev.
My girlfriend and I broke up,
then I was forced to
propose at gunpoint,
and now it seems like I'm stuck here.
Because apparently there's no way for me
to find true love. Whatever that means.
Well, the good book has
something to say about that.
"True love bears all
things, believes all things,
hopes all things, and
endures all things."
In other words, it's a lot of work.
So, it's probably not
something you find.
It's probably something you make.
But what if I
What if I'm just not capable of that?
If that's Farmer McDonough,
tell him I've left town.
Emma, what brings you by so late?
Oh, I'm sorry. I couldn't sleep,
so I cleaned out Carson's closet.
I thought the poor could use these.
Emma, this is wonderful. We needed
more sailor suits, thank you.
Don't worry about it, Reverend.
See you at the bake sale.
Now, to answer your question,
I believe that everyone
Who was that?
Emma Tate, the schoolmarm.
Schoolmarm? And "marm" is what, again?
Does that mean she's married, or
Oh, no. Emma's made it abundantly
clear she's got no use for marriage.
I wish I'd had her strength.
She didn't try to cross
the bridge with me.
It's gotta be her.
So, here I am ♪
Back on my own ♪
Wanderin' the streets of town alone ♪
Things with Josh have gone from ♪
Bad to worse ♪
Guess it's time to ♪
- Yes?
- Doc Lopez?
- That's me.
- Who is it, dear?
I'm Melissa Gimble. I'm here
about the nurse position.
Oh, then you have the wrong
Doc Lopez. Uh, one moment.
You'll be wanting our son.
Jorge, someone's here to see you.
Hello.
Yee honk.
Find that bridge ♪
And cross it now ♪
Find that bridge ♪
And cross it right now ♪
Let the other gals keep waiting ♪
Wasting time, procrastinating ♪
Find that bridge ♪
And cross it right now ♪
- Find that guy ♪
- Find that guy ♪
- And get that ring ♪
- And get that ring ♪
Find that guy ♪
And getcha that ring ♪
Let the other ladies falter ♪
As they're racing for the altar ♪
Find that guy ♪
And getcha that ring, ring, ring ♪
Here come the groom,
here come the bride ♪
Let's all meet 'em on the other side ♪
Let's all meet 'em on the other side ♪
It's not a metaphor ♪
Oh, no, it's something more ♪
It's a literal bridge ♪
Sister, get that mister ♪
Go get him ♪
Find that bridge and cross it now ♪
Find that bridge and cross it right ♪
Oh, cross it now ♪
All the gals who dillydally ♪
End up dying in an alley ♪
Find that bridge ♪
And cross it right now ♪
Cross that bridge right now ♪