Schooled (2019) s01e03 Episode Script

1 LAINEY: Back in the '90s, we had a ton of toy crazes, but the biggest of them all was Tamagotchi.
Long before we could play every game imaginable on our phones, all we had were these digital babies.
- [DEVICE BEEPS.]
- [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
Tom Scott! Get your head in the game! [DEVICE BEEPING.]
School is for dodge ball and sometimes books, not toys.
- [DEVICE BEEPS.]
- The hell is this thing? It's a Tamagotchi.
[DEVICES BEEPING.]
COACH MELLOR: My God, they're everywhere.
All right, 10 laps! All of you! They're not even complaining about laps! - [BEEPING CONTINUES.]
- I'll take that.
Thank you very much.
Mine! Con.
Fi.
Sca.
Ted.
But he just said his first word! And his last! COACH MELLOR: Your attention please, place the toys in the bag, gentlemen and lady.
Was that really necessary? You, too? You're a teacher.
Act like it, damn it! Actually, Tamagotchis are very educational.
They teach kids how to be nurturing and responsible, kinda like taking care of a real baby.
I mean, you know what I'm talking about.
How would I know what you're talking about? Well, you're a dad, right? I assume 'Cause you're older.
For your information, Ringo, I'm married to that big, beautiful gymnasium over there.
Teaching is my life.
I do not have time for a regular family.
What about every day after school and weekends and the 16 weeks a year that school's not even in session? That's it.
I'm confiscating yours, too.
Okay, when it's adults, it's just stealing.
It's not stealing.
Gimme that.
- Get off.
Get off it.
- I am an adult! I Let go of it.
I'll tell the principal.
- You want me to tell the principal? - I don't - You baby - No! One of these days You're gonna get outta here Live your life and finally be free Go where you wanna go Do what you wanna do Someday, you will say "Those were the days" LAINEY: It was January 23rd, 1990-something, and the school bell choir was on fire thanks to my star student, Reed Buccholz.
So, what do you think? To be honest, I was expecting a disaster.
This is not a disaster! Right? Ah! I'm so stoked.
Ooh, Reed's solo's coming up.
Check this out.
[BELLS RINGING.]
He's manning four bells at once.
Can that be done? Yep.
Reed's my rising star.
He's a natural.
It's like he's been touched by the hand of God himself.
You can pull it back a little.
We're on the same page here.
I'm really proud of you, Lainey.
- [BELL RINGS.]
- LAINEY: You guys are awesome.
Remember, rehearsals for the recital start today after school, okay? Hey, you killed it today, Reed.
You're a real "ringer"! Get it? Yeah! Kinda.
Anyway, great job.
You're gonna blow everyone away at that recital.
About that I won't be able to be in that thing.
- Huh? - I can't make it to rehearsals.
My dad's making me tutor after every school day.
He's worried that I'm gonna fail all my AP classes.
- You're taking AP classes? - I know! They're super sucky and hard.
Unlike this class.
I love ringing bells 'cause anyone can do it, even me.
Oh, then tell your dad you wanna ring the bells.
Yeah No.
You're 14, Reed.
You should be doing what makes you happy.
I said that.
He doesn't agree.
[TIRES SCREECH.]
Dad, it is so embarrassing when you cut in line like that.
Never be embarrassed by 457 horsepower, son.
Hi! Hey, Mr.
Buccholz.
Can I talk to you for a second about Oh.
Wow! That's an insane-looking car.
Dodge Viper.
It's the deadly snake of cars.
I'm Lainey Lewis.
I'm Reed's music teacher.
- Music? - Yeah.
- I I just wanted to talk to you - [ENGINE REVS.]
Sorry about that.
Powerful engine, you know? Can't let it idle too long.
I know Reed really enjoys music class.
- I have to say - [ENGINE REVS.]
Oh, sorry, my foot slipped.
Uh, but you were doing this? I just think Reed's AP classes might be way too challenging for him and [ENGINE REVS.]
Are you gonna keep doing that every time I say something? Depends, are you gonna keep talking about your silly little music class? Yeah.
[ENGINE REVS.]
[TIRES SQUEAL.]
Oh, you wanna take me on? Yeah, you have no idea who you're The car's already a mile away.
Wow, that's fast.
As Reed's dad left me in his dust, Coach Mellor arrived in his office to the sound of hundreds of Tamagotchis.
- [DEVICES BEEPING.]
- Oh.
[GROANS.]
[RATTLING.]
Hey, yo! Help me out! How do you shut these Yoshinoyas up? Tamagotchi? Yoshinoya's a fast-food place I've never known anybody to go to.
Just stop this beeping and booping.
It's driving me nuts! Uh Okay.
This one's hungry.
It's very simple.
You just hold down this button and give him food.
Son of a gun.
He ate the food? Huh.
What's he doing now? Dancing.
He's happy.
What about this one? Oh, okay, this one made a little poopy.
And poopy taken care of.
Ah, poopy's all gone.
What about this one? Okay, this one's misbehaving, so it needs to be disciplined.
I'll handle this.
[DEVICE BEEPS.]
I was tough but fair.
Responded well.
I like that.
Oh, now he's saying, "I love you.
" - I love you? - Mmm-hmm.
It's probably 'cause of the discipline.
- You know, kids need boundaries.
- Mmm-hmm.
Look at this.
He's waving at his old man! - Hey.
- Pretty cool, right? Yeah.
Get out.
Yep.
"Good evening, parents, and welcome to to William Penn Academy.
" [SCOFFS.]
Come on, John, you know this! - Hey, I gotta talk - Gah! What are you doing? Just practicing my Parents' Night speech.
Oh, actually, that's why I'm here.
I need help with a difficult parent.
There's this obnoxious dad who's pushing his son too hard.
The kid is drowning in his AP classes.
Aww, look at you, ready to fight like a champ against some overbearing parent.
Why are you so happy about this? Because this means you're becoming a real teacher.
Wrangling nasty-ass, jackhole parents is the hardest part of this job.
- I didn't realize that.
- Yep.
My number one rule is "The Student Comes First.
" But no matter how hard I try to do that, I always wind up locking horns with some dipwad, douche-bag, bitch-mouth mother or father.
Well, if this dad wants a battle, he's got one.
At Parents' Night, you can straighten him out face-to-face.
I'm gonna straighten the crap out of this pushy jerk and get Reed Buccholz into my Bell Choir Recital! Wait, did you say Reed Buccholz? - Son of Alan Buccholz? - Yeah? [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
All right, I take it back.
No fighting, no talking, avoid eye contact.
- What? Why? - This is why.
This is gonna be the school's new computer lab.
Reed's father is paying for this.
Big deal.
It's made of cardboard.
No, this is just a model.
Look, you saw Reed in class.
You said he was touched by God.
And those AP classes are making him miserable.
We're all miserable at one time or another.
He can get it out of the way now.
You just said your number one rule is "The Student Comes First.
" I think you're putting words in my mouth.
You have it written in old-timey stitching on your wall! Okay, look, Lainey, I have to look at the big picture, and that means some parents you just don't fight.
Oh, so I have to let Reed suffer just so the school can get money? Is that it? [CHUCKLES.]
Thank you for understanding.
LAINEY: Maybe John was ignoring his duties, but Coach took his new responsibility very seriously.
Hey, Coop! Welcome back, man! - How's the new baby? - Oh, she's beautiful, thanks.
Although I've haven't slept in two weeks.
[CHUCKLING.]
COACH MELLOR: Tell me about it.
I was up all night with mine.
Feedings, cleaning up poop.
- I'm a zombie! - You have a baby, Rick? Sixty-seven of the cutest little buggers you ever saw.
[WHISPERING.]
What's he talking about? I have a hunch, but I pray I'm wrong.
- [DEVICE BEEPING.]
- Hungry again? You're gonna eat me out of house and home, 43.
Okay, not wrong.
- You okay, Rick? - I'm better than okay, CB.
I'm A-okay.
And I want to thank you for showing me who the real Rick Mellor is, a loving, nurturing father locked deep inside just screaming to get out.
I showed you how to stop some toys from beeping.
And my world exploded.
Maybe it'd be a bit healthier if you moved on to nurturing something real? What do you mean "real"? Like an actual eating, breathing, living organism? You're right! A baby! No! A turtle.
I was gonna say turtle.
I want to thank you for showing me my true path.
Rick Mellor is gonna have a baby.
Okay, to be very clear, that's not at all what I said.
Thank you for being my rock, Charlie B.
Charlie.
I like that name.
It works for a girl or a boy.
Please don't name the baby after me.
Or have one at all.
Little Charlie Mellor! It's got a nice ring to it, huh? You do know that you need someone else to have a baby.
A woman.
Not a problem.
Well, meeting the right person takes time, - and you work so much - Of course.
I'll just choose somebody who works at William Penn.
You are full of good ideas, my friend.
No, please don't shop for a baby mama on the faculty! Who knew? The mother of my future child walks amongst us! - Please reconsider the turtle! - I shan't! LAINEY: Coach decided it was time to start a family, and he wasn't going to waste any time.
Morning, CB.
- Oh, no.
Uh, Rick, Rick, what's happening here? Why are you wearing little-boy church clothes? Follow me and watch your vision become a reality, my friend.
No, I have no vision.
No vision.
What are you doing? Stop! What are you doing? I'm gonna walk into that teachers lounge alone - and walk out with the mother of my child.
- Rick! You can't just tell a group of ladies one of them needs to make a baby with you.
You're right.
I should ask.
As always, you got my back.
Excuse me! I have a business proposition for all female staff with healthy reproductive organs.
I'm so sorry.
I have decided to procreate, thanks to the advice of Big Charlie here.
And so, I'm looking for a partner who can help me bring forth the next generation of Mellor.
And after it's born Well, who knows.
I guess we'll figure it out on the fly.
So! Who's interested? Nobody? Shocking.
I can give you my answer.
Your proposal is sexist, misogynist, infantile, and ludicrous.
And I accept.
Okay, what is happening right now? I'll tell you what's happening.
I just became the happiest man on Earth.
- Oh.
- Ah.
Sorry.
Eh.
[WHISPERING.]
A baby.
LAINEY: It was Parents' Night, and even though Glascott told me not to challenge Reed's dad, I couldn't just step aside when it came to helping a student.
Alan.
Alan Buccholz.
Hi.
Lainey Lewis.
We met the other day when you almost ran over my foot? Uh No, nothing.
I thought Parents' Night would be a good time to talk about my class.
Okay, well, consider it talked about.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to move on to some classes that colleges actually care about.
Well, that's a shame, 'cause your son is failing.
What, hey! Failing? Come here! Hold on, now.
Wait a second.
What was that? Ah, it's fine.
Head on over to the real classes.
Oh, come on.
Ple Is it even possible to fail music? [CHUCKLING.]
I mean, really.
Do-re-mi, hey-bop-a-ree-bop.
See? I just got an A.
For Reed to pass, he has to perform in the bells recital, which he can't do 'cause he's so overwhelmed by all the AP classes.
Of course he's overwhelmed! I'm grooming him to take over my business! He's gonna make a lot more money as a CEO than a, what? A a town crier? [CHUCKLES.]
"Hear ye, hear ye!" Those guys make about 40 grand a year, tops.
Tops! Your son loves my class.
Don't you care if he's happy? He's a kid! He's supposed to be miserable! Hey, hey, hey, what's going on? Your teacher here is trying to make my son happy! Well, why would you do something like that? Because you said, "The student comes first!" No, uh, you have me confused with some confused idiot who says stupid stuff.
You and I need to have a serious discussion about the Alan T.
Buccholz Computer Lab.
9:00 a.
m.
sharp, your office.
You see? That's why I told you not to get involved.
Now I gotta deal with an angry parent man.
- Isn't that your entire job? - No! Most of it.
All I wanted was to do what's best for the students.
Call me crazy, but I thought that's what we were here for.
I've looked into many fertility options, but they're so expensive and impersonal.
Your timing was excellent.
Well, we've both wound up childless over 40, so might as well team up, right? I am childless because I choose to be childless, and I am over 40 because I choose to be over 40.
Fine.
Now, there are multiple items we need to agree on.
First off, conception.
There's obviously the artificial way, and then, of course, there's the natural - Artificial.
- You sure? - [WHISPERING.]
Artificial.
- All right, then! Next, I will be cocooning the baby for the first six months on my chest to approximate the feeling of the uterus.
I want to do that, too.
Oh, I'm sorry, do you have a uterus that I don't know about? Well, fine, but you can cocoon the baby and I'll cocoon you.
What do you weigh, about a buck 50? - No man will cocoon me, sir! - I can! I'll wrap you up and carry you around as you carry the baby around! Okay, you can't cocoon someone who's cocooning someone else! I think maybe we let the baby's godfather make the call on this one.
Don't want to be the godfather.
Well, who's gonna raise the baby if Liz and I both go down in a plane crash? I'm sorry, where would we be flying together? The Bahamas.
It was gonna be a surprise.
- I'm fair-skinned.
- We'll rent a cabana! Can we please stay on the subject of raising the child? - Please.
- I will be raising the child.
You can visit at prearranged times.
No unscheduled pop-ins.
But Little Charlie needs to know that his daddy's nearby! I'm sorry, who's Little Charlie? It's the baby's name! After CB over here.
Oh, that's actually quite nice.
It works for a boy or a girl.
That you agree on? No, actually, we don't agree on anything.
Rick, I thought this was just going to be a business transaction between two co-workers in a teachers lounge.
I don't understand how such a simple idea got so complicated.
I don't know.
I thought maybe, you know, we'd be kind of like a family.
- [DEVICE BEEPING.]
- What is that? That's my Tamagotchi, although I've never heard it make that noise before.
That means it died.
- Died? - It's dead.
You can't even take care of a toy.
[SIGHS.]
This isn't going to work.
I'm sorry.
[SIGHS.]
- Hey, John? - Gah! - [SIGHS.]
Come on, stop that.
- Sorry.
And I'm sorry for the timing of my blow-up last night.
Well, I appreciate that.
But I am definitely not sorry for trying to "Work Hard Play Hard"? - You took down "The Student Comes First"? - No.
I know it was there, John.
Look, I have to give in to Alan for this computer lab.
So where do you draw the line, John? Does a parent get to call the shots because they give the school a new minivan, a few tether balls, a box of chalk? A new minivan.
Look, I know.
You're right.
I wish that I was stronger dealing with mean, entitled parents, but that's the thing that I am the worst at.
Well, you better start learning how to handle this, 'cause it's gonna happen over and over.
But how? I don't know if you know this, but I get sweaty and flustered very easily.
What if I told you I had a foolproof way for you to stand strong and always have the exact, perfect words to say? I'd say that I'm intrigued.
The only way to fight a difficult parent is with the most difficult parent this school has ever seen.
- Don't say it - A woman whose overbearing smotherhood - is still legendary a decade later.
- Don't say it! Beverly Goldberg.
I said don't say it! We both know she's the best shot you have at fighting fire with fire.
Fine.
Okay.
Let's dance with the devil.
Summon her.
- I'm already here! - Aah! LAINEY: Glascott needed help dealing with a difficult parent, so I brought in my secret weapon.
Well, there's nothing I hate more than a demanding, bossy parent with unrealistic expectations for their schmoopy.
[CHUCKLES.]
So, what's the plan? Oh.
We're gonna put your words in John's mouth using this.
It's called an America Online chat session.
Whatever scathing things you type here will appear on John's computer screen in there.
He'll sneak a look and say what you wrote.
[GASPS.]
Oh, my God! Alan is coming! Lainey, hide! He hates you! Hey there, good sir! Let's make this quick.
I'm flying to lunch in a half hour.
[CHUCKLING.]
Okay.
So, it's, uh, a beautiful morning.
- Can I offer you a cup of co - Here's the deal.
Fire the music teacher and you got yourself a computer lab.
[WHISPERING.]
He wants a teacher fired? That's my move! And I know just what I'd say, too.
I'd say, "I am the principal of this school.
You don't get to tell me who to fire, [BLEEP.]
-face!" - Type it! - Oh.
Right.
Okay.
Uh I [COMPUTER BEEPS.]
I You what? [SINGSONG VOICE.]
Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
This keyboard is not the same as the keyboard I have at home.
- I'm sorry.
- Well, that's impossible.
We're the apostrophe? I want to spell "I'm.
" It's there! [BEEP.]
I'm Stay off the top line! That's only numbers! I'm 7 Is that a 7? "I'm 7% colon.
" I'm 7% colon.
Well, I'm 8%.
Doctor checked it last month.
Said it's the most colon he's ever seen.
- Four - How do I erase? Nope.
Oh, poop.
Well, this is a stupid and bizarre waste of time, so you just lost yourself a computer lab.
Damn it.
Fine.
Well, at least we still have this one.
- Nope, I'm taking that one, too.
- Ohh! All right, fine! You know what, you can take all of your computer labs, but I will not fire Lainey Lewis.
In fact, I wish I had more teachers like her.
Not a lot more Maybe one.
You know why? Because she puts the students first.
If Reed is not at her recital, she will fail him.
Did you type that for him? Not a word.
I couldn't have.
There's no "H.
" Are you telling me to shove it? Nnnnn Yes.
Well, all right.
My son can ring the bells.
Not because you're right, but because he needs straight A's to get into Princeton.
Thank you.
And if it makes any difference, this is really gonna make him a happy kid.
What is it with you all wanting kids to be happy? Huh? Enough! My God! I guess my job here is done.
- You did nothing.
- And everything.
You're welcome.
LAINEY: Coach Mellor's dream of being a father had disappeared, and now he couldn't bear to hold on to the tiny, electric reminders of what he had lost.
I'm sorry, Ed.
He didn't make it.
- Huh? - It's my fault.
Although, I don't know why I thought I could take care of anything.
Oh.
Sure.
Whatever.
So, giving 'em all back? Yeah, although, most of the kids don't seem to want 'em.
Something called Pogs is sweeping the nation.
Yeah, it's a game you play with these things.
We can give it a shot when you're feeling better.
Nah.
It's funny, eh.
My whole life, I thought all I wanted to be was a teacher.
And now I realize I want to be a dad, but it may not be in the cards for me.
Rick, you are a dad.
To every single kid in this school.
- That's different.
- It's not that different.
You not only teach these kids, you inspire them, man.
You show them that if they believe in you, if they believe in themselves, anything is possible.
Thanks, CB.
Now get back to work and be a dad to these kids right here.
Maybe one day, the right person will notice.
[SIGHS.]
Backbeat, the word is on the street That the fire in your heart is out I'm sure you've heard it all before But you never really had a doubt Well, what do you think? I think the little knucklehead looks happy.
Feels the way I do about you now I know you think he needs to end up just like you.
And maybe he will.
But for now, I think he's doing pretty good just being him.
[BELLS RINGING.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Today was gonna be the day But they'll never throw it back to you You know, I used to play a pretty mean trombone when I was a kid.
- Really? - Mmm-hmm.
- So why'd you stop? - Eh, Grandpa made me.
Dude, he sucks.
Yeah, he really does.
You know, when I started this job, you said even though we don't get paid much and the hours suck, there would be moments that would make it all worth it.
You were right.
Well, enjoy it.
- I know I used to.
- Used to? Before I became Principal, I always looked down on the administration because money was their only priority.
And now look at me.
Come on, you did the right thing in the end.
- Only 'cause you got me there.
- So? A few months ago, I was broke and desperate.
But thanks to you, I ended up here.
Doesn't matter how you get somewhere as long as you do.
Hmm.
Thank you.
But yeah, next time, show some balls so we don't have to call Beverly Goldberg.
Oh, God, no.
I said maybe I know you can do this! There it is! Splay your hands! [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
Yes! - Oh! - Oh! LAINEY: Sometimes our lives don't turn out exactly like we'd planned.
That's what I'm talking about! Good stuff! We often find ourselves in places we never thought we'd be.
You're my wonderwall But if we take the time to look around to see the good we do for others I said maybe how we teach them, inspire them, and give them the tools to be the best they can be we may find that the reality of our lives exceeds all of our expectations.
- Hi, I'm Liz Fleming.
- And I'm the real Liz Flemming.
All right, Liz, get real with me.
Uh, what are the politics of the teachers lounge? What goes on behind closed doors? There's a fair amount of complaining.
[LAUGHS.]
Um, complaining about faculty meetings or administrative decisions or about specific students.
So what goes on in the teachers lounge Stays in the teachers lounge.
How do you deal with, like, a really tough parent? I try to kill them with kindness, and I've been lucky.
Maybe it's your, uh, gentle, stoic calm? - Definitely.
- [LAUGHS.]
So, speaking of difficult parents, what was it like working with the real Beverly Goldberg? - She was one of the ones who liked me.
- [LAUGHS.]
Um, I think I gave Adam good enough grades that she was okay.
And so I was one of the rare lucky ones, I think.
[LAUGHS.]