Scot Squad (2014) s01e03 Episode Script

1 Excuse me sir, just be mindful of the, of the yeah.
But it isn't all porridge, pro-golf, and The Proclaimers.
Especially not for the new unified police force that now polices the country - with force.
Join us as we tail the teams trailing the many terrains of the tartan territory.
They're brave, they're tough, they are the Scot Squad.
The head of any major organisation needs to be a mountaineer capable of scaling a Matterhorn of information.
Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson has his finger on the figures, his digit on the data, his stamp on the statistics.
Crime, that's your crime.
You measure crime - it's like a horse is so many hands high, that's how we do it.
You're hoping to keep major crimes less than a finger, you would be hoping that.
Murders, currently we're two fingers - that's your murders.
We're hoping to get that down.
Drug crimes, minor drug crimes, just having a wee doobie, that kind of stuff.
You know, you're expecting a couple of hands' worth there.
Treason, that's hardly You'd be a fingernail worth on treason.
If you've got anything beyond that then you're really, you are not doing your job.
Crimes like car theft, then you're into big statistics, and then you've really got to be using the whole, the whole of the arm.
So that would probably be your, up to there would be, would be crimes against the car.
But it's a lot of work, and someone's got to do it, and that someone's me.
But the most important number for the police will always be 999.
City partners McLaren and Fletcher are hot on the trail of a major tip-off.
A suspicious individual with a beard is holding a holdall and acting well dodgy in a nice neighbourhood.
Hi, big cheese? Suddenly, their day gets a lot more interesting.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you do I never touched him.
What is it? No, he's talking.
He's talking, are you OK? BELFAST ACCENT: Wee turkey.
Wee turkey Is there a wee turkey in the bag? Doesn't look like he's on drugs.
He's not foaming, or anything.
They move quickly to get the scoop on this mysterious miscreant.
We now have to search your bag, sir, OK? Come on, hurry up, get in.
Hurry up! Right, check the bag.
Jesus Wee turkey? This is huge.
This is big for us.
Right, let's go.
The discovery in the holdall Was drugs.
Was a massive, massive amount of Drugs.
Ching, battery powder, coke Cocaine Cocaine, aye.
Wee turkey? We just caught a big turkey.
What's your name? Wee Turkey.
Wee Turkey.
Wee Turkey.
Have you not been told about Wee Turkey? Cameron, the Chief, ring Cameron up.
I'm doing an undercover operation here.
You're telling us you're undercover? My name is Wee Turkey - that's my drug name.
We don't have to AKA Jermaine.
Is Jermaine your real name? We'll take you down No, Jermaine's my drug AKA David Nicholson.
I'll just come and sit down beside you, if that's OK.
You're in big trouble if Cameron finds out about this.
Oh, really(?) Ring him up.
I'll take these names Ring him up! You shout like that RING HIM UP! Stop shouting at me.
At least can we please drive away from here? So we've got Wee Turkey, and David Nicholson.
Yes.
You're from Glasgow? No, I'm from Belfast.
I was stationed in LA.
When I'm here in Glasgow, when I'm doing a deal I do a Glasgow accent.
So that's a genuine Belfast accent? Yes, sir.
It doesn't sound it.
What do you think a Belfast accent sounds like then? It'd be, it would be like that - "I'm from Belfast.
" OK, that's good.
MOBILE RINGS Can I take this call? Do I have your permission to take it? Take it.
GLASGOW ACCENT: All right, big yin, what's happening? Oh, right, OK, I'll be round in a sec, all right? Give me two secs, all right? Cheers, big yin, all right.
That is brilliant.
Thank you.
I'm not going to lie.
That's very convincing.
Let me do this one bust, and then if you're not convinced, you can arrest me.
I think so.
Shall we? Let's go.
Yeah.
Let's go.
OK? Thank you.
You've got our trust.
Thank you.
You've got our trust, OK? The force is dependent on the work of civilian staff like IT expert Samson Katemo I can see the suspect.
Stop.
Put your hands up.
.
.
who tops the team that tentatively tests trial technology.
What I have here is an eye retina scanner which pretty much, instead of putting passwords and you know, login details.
So all we need to do is pretty much just put your eyes here, and you get scanned like this.
It's too bright.
Katemo's pioneering programming prowess permits police people to pacily and punctually appease the apprehensive public.
The Scottish Police Force is a very forward-thinking organisation.
We're keen to embrace technology in all its forms.
We're currently trialling a system whereby our clients can call into us via a video messaging service.
All right, Officer Karen, can you hear me? I want to sayput in a complaint about where's the bin men.
Bo.
.
Bobby! Bobby, you need to go a wee bit further back from your webcam.
I can see right up your nose at the moment, further away from the camera.
Like that? Can you see my face now? It's mostly just your buttons I can see from that Well, aye, I can Now, are you not going to get a sore back standing like that, Bobby? Aye, you are right, my back's a wee bit sore, Officer Karen.
It's a bit sore.
Aye, maybe not do it I'm going to do it like this, right? Right, OK.
What can I do for you, Bobby? What it is, is the bin men's no' came, and the rubbish is all out on the pavement.
I was just wondering if I could put in a complaint about the bin men, please.
We don't have anything to do with the bins.
You really need to speak to the council about that.
Oh, well, what am I going to do? Because I'm going out tonight.
I see you've gone to a bit of an effort to get I'm going to the Trolley Boys Ball tonight, do you like it? It's definitely a look, Bobby.
This is brilliant, in't it? Bobby, it's genuinely making my eyes cross a wee bit when you come that close.
Can you go a wee bit further away from the camera? There we go.
Like that? There he is.
Yeah.
Right, I really need to get back to work, Bobby, I'm really busy.
Right, OK, I'll see you later, right, Officer Karen, and I'll tell you how it goes.
OK.
See you later, Bobby.
Right, I'll see you later, Officer Karen.
Bye.
Online and on the end of the line, call worker Maggie LeBeau is the lynchpin that links the problem-ridden public You're calling to report the sighting of zombies? .
.
to the problem-solving police.
If you are going to call in, just be careful you're not going to commit a crime yourself.
People often don't think of this, but say for example you're driving your car, you see someone drive past, they've got an out-of-date tax disc - terrible.
However, don't call when you're behind the wheel, because then YOU are breaking the law.
It's not black and white, though.
I mean, if you're being chased by an axe-wielding maniac, it's probably OK not to put your seat belt on.
If there's an officer around, ask them first.
You know, or maybe, maybe check the website.
But just be careful.
Report the crime, don't BE the crime.
Back on the street, McLaren and Fletcher are dropping off their undercover colleague for a drop-off of his own.
If you're longer than 45 minutes, will I kick the door down? MOBILE RINGS Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh.
All right, buddy, I'm on my way.
All right, cheers, bye-bye.
Heh-heh! All right, bye.
Huh-huh, that's good.
It's a sting operation, so we're there, we're involved, we're helping, basically transport and back-up kind of honners.
How are you going to sit when he comes back? Huh? Because I think I'm going to Well, we can't sit the same way.
I'll sit like this then Get my foot up somewhere.
Like that.
Here he is.
Hi.
Move it, move it, come on, let's go.
Let's go.
Safety first, Turkey, belt.
Let's go! I'm going.
I'm going.
I'm going.
I'm going.
Oh, my God! I've stalled it.
I've stalled it.
I've stalled it.
I've stalled it.
I've stalled it.
I'm going.
I'm going.
I'm going.
I'm going.
I'm going.
I'm going.
From a speedy getaway, to those trying to get away with speeding, the Scot Squad are streetwise.
I've got a nickname for this yin here, oh, aye.
He hates it, but he's "The Machine".
That's what I call him, "The Machine.
" Have you heard of the phrase, "if it ain't broke don't fix it"? Yeah.
Well, that IS broke, so fix it.
And he's full of these things, so he is.
OK? Brilliant.
I call him PC Hugh McKirdy.
It's a bit boring, man.
I'd love a nickname.
You, down.
Get over here, come on.
Get doon off there.
Who do you think you are, King Kong? He's not breaking any rules, I don't see what the problem is.
You don't see what the problem is? He's not wearing a helmet, for a start.
Aye, he's got his hood up though.
He's got his hood up? I've never seen a guy on a bike on top of a roof before.
I've seen boats on top of trucks, and trucks on top of boats.
But I've never seen a geezer on a bike on top of a motor, have we, Surjit? It's the same premise, essentially.
It's no'.
What's his name? Lance.
Lance? Lance.
Well, he's not going to win the Tour de France on that, is he? Or he might get done for cheating.
Like he was with doping, I mean he's high enough, in't he? I don't get it, Lance? Armstrong.
Aye, well he'll he not be the first man on the moon with a bike anyway, doing that, will he? Just come down off the car.
If I've to tell you once, I'll tell you 100 times, get down off that car before I come up there.
What law is this? What law is this? Aye, to get him done, get him done.
It's a grey area because I mean people are allowed to sit upstairs on top of a double-decker bus.
So you've got to take that into consideration in the law, and Yeah, but on a double-decker bus, you know, people are caged in.
Aye, but on an open-top bus.
Aye, it's a grey area.
Right, we're going to take you to the back of the police motor, and you get down, and we'll get this sorted.
The driver refuses to take the rider off the car.
Keep holding tight, Lance.
Get in the car.
So he's getting three points on his licence.
In a modern Scotland, keeping the streets safe is still the number one priority.
Excuse me sir, just be mindful of the, of the yeah.
For volunteer officer Ken Beattie that means embracing the very latest in crime-fighting technology.
Yes, your observation skills are correct.
I have a state-of-the-art camera that I have been personally issued with.
You know, this is very exciting - basically records everything that I see.
So it's like a Hawk-eye.
You know, you get like in tennis and stuff, a Hawk-eye.
So this is the Keneye.
The Ken Beattie eye.
Oh, how you doing? Yeah, I'm not bad, thank you.
Oh, what's that? Action! What? OK.
Calm down! No, I will give you a fine for littering.
Excuse me, sir, excuse me, I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to pick up that dog excrement.
Are you trying to blackmail me? What? Do I look like a shoplifter? Well Are you blackmailing me? No, I'm not blackmailing you, sir.
You are.
Fine! Fine! Fine! You're getting a fine! Oh, I like that, that's more threatening, isn't it? Who do you think you're talking to, you BLEEP BLEEP? I think you stole my wallet.
Pardon? You stole my wallet.
Sir, please! You pick it up.
Get lost.
# You can buy your hair if it won't grow You can fix your nose if you said so I had 60 quid in it, you owe me 60 quid.
What? You're no' even a real BLEEP polisman, you BLEEP.
You can buy all the make-up that man can make That's you.
You've got this.
It's like my new friend, he's my best friend.
It's nice to have a friend.
OK, Jean, that's me away to the slogan meeting, OK? I'll I'll get you after Ah The computer's gone Hungarian again.
Ah So, I've been charged with selecting a new slogan for the police force, the unified Scottish Police Force.
"Safety First.
Us Second.
" I think is quite good because that gives us, you know, that very much that you, you come before.
We're there for you, and well, that's just whoever came up with that is just going to I think there's still work to be done, personally.
You know, we're looking for this generation's "clunk, click," which was an absolutely fabulous campaign.
We'll probably be going with, "We're there so you don't have to be there.
" It's got to be, "We're there so you don't have to be.
" I think that "there", that one there is redundant.
But it turns out there's an inherent problem there, because you do have to be there.
You call us out, and we turn up, and you've gone, then who's No-one's going in there.
So we're going to have a rethink there.
I'm not quite sure what it will be.
"We're there "You better be as well" "We're there - where are you?" We've got about seven or eight of the words that I think are going to work.
We just need to get an order and a sense.
We're hoping ultimately to have something that makes sense.
News of a big barnyard break-in reaches McIntosh and Mackay.
The rural enforcers get the story from an aggrieved agriculturalist.
Hello, hello, come awa' in.
Thank you.
I'm Murphy Williams.
PC Mackay.
Thanks for coming at such short notice.
Hello there, Officer McIntosh.
Hello, Mr McIntosh.
Come awa' in.
I'm just at my dinner, are you wanting? I've got some chicken soup on the go.
No, honestly.
I've got a big pot of it, ken? Absolutely fine, no, not while we're on duty.
We've just eaten, thanks.
Aye, aye.
Aye, aye, good.
We got a call about a chicken, is it? Aye, aye.
Aye.
What can you tell us? That was me.
Hellish bird go this morning, my prize chicken, ken, she won Hen of the Year.
Last year.
She was there last nicht when I checked them all, but she's awa' now, ken.
What can you tell us about the chicken that's gone, you say.
Well, Scarlett Scarlett? Johansson, that's her name.
Can you describe it? Red feathers.
Red feathers.
Skinny legs.
Skinny legs.
The beak.
Beak.
Yeah.
Kind of red about here.
Ken, round about there.
Just down there, Oh, yeah.
I can picture it.
Aye, aye.
And when did you notice her missing? I came in about the yard last nicht.
I was just out with the boys at the Muck Spreaders Association, cheese and wine fundraiser, and I just put the chickens into the coop there.
And what time was that about, roughly? About the back of 11.
Back of 11.
Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye.
And so you didn't hear anything unusual through the night? No, not a thing.
I'm a deep sleeper, you see, deep sleeper.
And have you ever had chickens go missing before? Aye, regular basis.
See, I think it's the cat.
You see, you ken, the big black cat.
Aye, the beast, you're bound to have heard of the beast.
You, your big black You're that Farmer Williams? Well, I wasn't really wanting to say but, aye that's, that's You're a local legend.
I've read about you.
Ah, well, you ken.
Having heard first-hand the terrifying tales of the beast stalking the hills, the officers take a walk up to the coop to look for evidence of a feline felony.
Oh, that's taken apart.
It could've been a big cat right enough, because he'd come in and rip It's amazing the stories as well, you know, they say it could be a panther, jaguar, cougar, anything, big bear.
Well, I've heard.
Well, it would certainly get in there, tasty chickens.
You been around chickens a lot? I've spent a good deal around chickens.
Oh, yeah? My grandfather used to use them to train me to have "quick feet.
" He'd actually sellotape some of the feed to my toes, and they'd come after me and I'd have to Just run? Move when they were, they were going for it, so but it made me nimble.
Aye.
Back on the drug run I will BLEEP kill you! Going deeper undercover CHINESE ACCENT: Hello, hi, baby, yeah, I'm out working, baby, I'm making money for you, baby.
As things heat up, the cops pull up for a crucial pick-up.
Close your eyes.
What? Close your eyes.
I have a surprise.
OK.
Open them.
Oh, cheers man.
Aww.
Peace.
Thanks, T.
Peace.
Well, it's not as dangerous as like you would think, undercover, eh? I'll show you danger.
Put your hands up.
Put your hands up, Jack, honestly.
OK, give me all your money.
I've not got any money.
Give me all your money! I've not got any! Give me all your money, man.
I swear I'm going to blow your brains out.
It's a banana.
Ha, fooled you.
I knew it was a banana.
It wasn't a gun.
You thought it was a gun, didn't you? Do it to me.
No.
There's no point because you know it's a banana.
But like OK.
GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY! Yeah, see, still scared you, you see you're not built for this.
Show me what you can do with this.
You know what I mean.
Use it as a piece, like That's right, "a piece", good.
Blow her brains out with that gun.
I'll go like this as if I'm She's a pimp.
Life or death, pap, pap, pap.
I didn't even hear it coming, like it was a silencer.
Pew-pew-pew-pew! Can I have a shot? Rubbish.
That was quick.
You've left the safety on.
Got you, see! I get my hand on a piece Give it here, I'm getting hungry.
This is the end.
I want to eat it.
You want to eat it.
I want to eat my banana.
It's not a gun.
Thank you.
Right, let's go.
No, we go when I say go.
Oh.
We go when I say go.
Right.
OK, so go.
There's a few differences between the Scottish legal system and the rest of the world.
We have "not proven" in the verdict as one of the potential verdicts.
There's guilty, there's not guilty, and there's not proven.
And we're the only nation with that.
And I think a nation should be judged by its justice system, and I think the "not proven" is a very valuable plank in the justice system, because basically, "guilty - fine we've got you, bang to rights.
" "Not guilty - there's nothing on you.
" "Not proven "we know, we know but we just can't prove itthis time.
" So that's what we're saying with "not proven.
" You know we're saying, "Fair play, fair play, mate, "you've pulled the wool over our eyes this time.
"But we'll be back.
Right, on your way.
" What other country? What other country does that? Some countries just have guilty.
You know, in North Korea, you've got nothing but guilty.
That's it.
You know, we've got three.
Three choices.
One thing proven is that lamppost posters are a pest for PC Surjit Singh.
Well, recently what we've seen is an increase in people using these lampposts as advertising space.
And obviously, this is council property so we have to go around taking these signs down.
Some of these advertisements are terrible.
I mean, look at that one there.
Wasps exterminated for ?25.
Is that per wasp? Exterminated per wasp? Could you imagine how much a full nest costs? Another one here for "Sexy Singles Night "for ages 25 to 55.
" 25 to 55? I was the only one there under 50.
"Slimming Club, come in every Monday, ran by Yvonne.
" Have you seen the nick of Yvonne? One thing she shouldn't be doing is running a slimming club - she's enormous.
But these fly posters can still trap the unwary.
All right, Officer Karen.
Hiya, Bobby.
What can I do for you today? I've got a few things to say to you.
It's a wee bit embarrassing.
OK.
You know how when you cross the lights at the street and see like signs on the lamppost? Uh-huh.
I seen an ad and it was for a colonic interrogation, and I thought I would phone it, and see what it was.
Do you mean a colonic irrigation? Eh, yeah, that, because the next thing I knew I was in this woman's garage.
You know, how in your office and stuff you've got that big tub of water, and she was like, it was going all the way into my bum.
You do know that is basically what a colonic irrigation is, it's inserting a tube and then flushing out someone's back passage with water.
Really? Yeah.
I never knew that.
You should've seen the stuff that was coming out.
I mean, bits of carpet were coming out, and I'm sure a bit of Lego came out as well.
Right.
Don't get me wrong, I feel brilliant after it.
But it's just I thought I was going to get an Indian head massage, and she stuck a tube up my bum.
Technically, I don't think any crime has been committed here.
There's nothing illegal about carrying out colonic irrigations to the best of my knowledge.
To be honest with you, I feel brilliant after it.
Do you feel lighter? I feel a lot lighter.
Well, then My trousers are actually a wee bit baggy even though my bum's sore.
Right, well, I'll go now.
Right, I'll see you later, Bobby.
I'll see you later, Officer Karen.
Mind how you go.
Yeah.
I'll see you next time, right? Maybe take your time.
I'm just taking my time, that's fine.
Guys, I'm not going to lie.
I've been very impressed by how you've both been today.
Well, thank you very much.
Thank you.
And it's been lovely.
Drug deal done, it's time for this turkey to fly off into the sunset.
McLaren and Fletcher share an emotional goodbye.
Two days later, the gentleman Wee Turkey actually was arrested, as his name is Niko Davidson.
He is a genuine mink, a drug dealer.
A proper drug dealer, and he's not undercover at all as we found out.
Gone.
I don't feel foolish, I don't, I certainly don't feel foolish.
I feel like, you know, things like that, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, you know? It never nearly killed me obviously, but I'm still a bit stronger for it.
What about you? I feel foolish.
Nightfall and the fearless cops return to the farm, eyes peeled for the fabled furry fiend.
Oh, boy.
Stakeout.
Stake out.
I think it's quite exciting.
Yeah? Yeahanything might pop up, or Yeah.
Yeah.
Pop out, or Aye.
I mean they're not all bad - cats.
I mean, I think some cats are great.
A lot of famous cats out there.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Garfield.
Garfield's a good one.
Yeah.
Simba.
Simba.
That was my favourite movie.
# I'm going to be a mighty king so enemies beware I've never seen such king of beasts with so such little hair Yeah, that is That's magical.
That is magical.
I'm more of a dog person, really.
I really want one of those little pug dogs, you know, the ones with the squished faces.
Yeah, yeah, they're great.
I think they look so cute, you're just, like, aww! Yeah.
Just like a little baby, squishy, pug thing.
Aye, I love them.
Yeah? They just want loved.
I think that's it.
Ach, I know, they really FOX CRIES Oh, my goodness.
Wait a second.
I don't see anything.
FOX CRIES Oh! Is there something moving? Did you see? Did you see? I think I saw something.
Oh, oh, oh, OK.
Sh! Sh! OK.
I'll go.
No, no, no, Jane.
You stay here.
I want you to be safe, OK? I need someone here to call in the back-up.
We don't know what we're dealing with.
I could come with you.
No, please, Jane, I don't want you to be savaged in the night.
That's my job.
OK.
Stay here.
Just Thanks, Charlie.
Wish me luck.
Good luck.
OWL HOOTS Here, here, kitty, kitty Here, pussy, pussy, pussy.
Pussy, pussy.
FOX CRIES Oh, oh, hello? Hello? Here's a good cat.
Charlie? That's a good cat.
Psst.
FOX CRIES Hey, whoa, no, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, whoa, whoa, what is that? What is that? No.
No way.
We need to go.
We need to leave right now.
We could go.
There's something out there, Jane.
I saw it over there by the tree.
Did you see the size of it? Yeah, it was pretty massive.
Have to get going.
Yeah.
I did freak out a little bit.
I spooked myself, wasn't very professional.
We got back into the car, quick as we could, we thought we should get straight down to the farmhouse and tell Farmer Williams what we'd seen.
Just try it, just see if it's open.
That'll be fine, just Eh? Yeah, just go in.
Yeah? Yeah.
Oh, I'm telling you, that's exactly what I saw up there.
It looked right at me, yeah.
I can't believe we've seen this.
There'll probably be a reward.
Whoa! Hey! Get back! Stay where you are! Oh, shite.
In comes the cat.
The big cat itself into the room.
But it wasn't a big cat.
It was Farmer Williams.
Do you know what we just went through? I can explain! Long story Well, it better be a long, good story.
I think we can see.
He'd been wearing a big cat costume to pretend that there had been this big cat, and that would generate interest from tourists, and people that had heard the story to come and buy the merchandise.
What a carry on.
I hope you're happy with yourself.
Not really, no.
Because nobody else is.
No.
Nobody likes a bad cat.
No.
You've left us with no choice.
We'll have to take you down the station.
You're joking.
We have to arrest you.
I'm not getting caged up like my chickens.
We'll take you down the station.
Can I get a glass of milk before I go? No, you can't have a glass of milk.
In a saucer.
What about the chickens? I've got to go and feed the chickens.
No.
Kirsten! Kirsten Dunst! Renee Zellweger! Sorry! In the back! Keep it down.
That was one cat that just didn't get the cream.
He got arrested.
Morality is a difficult one.
Yeah.
I mean, is it wrong to steal a loaf of bread to feed a starving child? Well, yes, actually.
It is by the letter of the law.
Is it right to close down a factory, in this country, lots of people lose their jobs, opens in the Far East, you make it a sweat shop and you make more profits? Well, maybe morally that's wrong, but legally, on you go.
We're not going to stand in your way.
Do what you Fill your boots.
Morals are best left to those who feel self-appointed to police morality.
Leave morals to Bono, Lenny Henry and Phillip Schofield, and all that lot.
Ours is not to reason why, ours is to get you in the back of the van.
No matter the crime, no matter the location, the Scot Squad are there so you don't have to be there.
He said he loved me.
Aww! Shut up! That is bare saliva-y.
I know what that is.