Scrubs s01e03 Episode Script

I don't know why I came to watch Turk when I could've been asleep.
I guess I haven't seen much of him lately.
It's not like I'm desperate.
What makes you think you know better? - In my gut I know I'm right.
- We need this decision now.
- Fine, then it's on you.
- Yes, it is.
Nurse.
- Erasure.
- Yes, doctor.
I hate this song.
Me too, man.
A hospital room can be kind of a romantic place.
Maybe it's the soft green glow of a heart monitor or the way the moonlight reflects off a bedpan.
Our shifts keep overlapping on Friday nights.
Closest thing I've had to a date recently.
Well, I had a great time tonight.
Oh, yeah.
Me too.
- So, can I page you? - Don't do the two-day waiting thing.
Oh, baby, I don't play by the rules.
So, goodnight.
Wait.
Is she joking? If she's joking and I kiss her Of course, if she's not joking I don't do this for all the doctors.
Yes! He's gonna need 40mEqs of KCL.
Grab me when you get the results.
You got it.
His TV is broken, so when you two start tagging each other the least you can do is wake him up and let him watch.
In my experience, when two friends miss a chance like this you've got exactly 48 hours to get the kiss.
Or one of you will over-think it.
OK, she's gonna over-think it.
Then you end up permanently stuck in the Friend Zone.
I'll see ya.
You're such a girl.
Nothing went on between me and Elliot.
Good thing you still have your flower.
That song is like a virus.
I'm just a little lonely.
I haven't been hanging out with Turk since he's been dating Carla.
First of all, who's Turk? And don't answer.
Look, if you have a medical question I'm forced by hospital policy to answer you.
However, if you ask me about a personal problem I'm going to start doing this.
You seem unhappy.
I like that.
I cannot get that stupid song out of my head.
It's like a damn virus.
Here's his chart, his transfer note.
He's haemodynamically stable.
Consider him turfed to medicine.
T- Man.
I'm gonna get my grub on.
Means he's gonna go eat.
- Surgery went OK? - It was cool.
Dude, I got to close for the first time ever.
Ever.
The human body is so disgusting.
Not yours.
Yours is stunning.
We should celebrate.
Tear it up like we used to, just the two of us.
- What comes before Part B? - Part A! That's right, we used to tear it up.
We should probably never do that again.
That song is like a virus.
No! Don't let it be awkward.
Do something cute.
Cover her eyes and say, "Guess who?" - Guess who? - I can't breathe.
OK, gang, it's time for rounds.
Let's see who's The Weakest Link.
The Weakest Link! Now, then, Dr Simotas.
Severe swelling of the lips in this patient might be an indication of what? - Angio-oedema.
- Well done, sport.
And what treatment would you recommend, Dr Dorian? A combination of steroids and antihistamines.
Attaboy, sport.
What would you recommend the patient stay away from Dr Reid? - My first guess would be shellfish.
- Right you are, sweetheart.
Sweetheart? I could see what was going on in Elliot's head.
Right you are, sweetheart.
- What do you want to watch? - Fletch.
- Fletch it is.
- Seen it.
You haven't seen it with us saying all the lines.
I'm so lucky I met you.
Maybe next time her mom could come.
You won't even know she's here.
Except she laughs at stupid stuff and that makes me laugh.
It's stupid because it's so stupid.
- Tonight's still about us.
- Whatever, I don't care.
Turk, you wanna go hang out in your room? I know Dr Kelso doesn't mean anything by it and OK, maybe I am kind of a sweetheart.
- I'm sleeping.
- But it just sounds so demeaning.
You're not listening to a word I'm saying.
It's not like he's my grandpa or anything.
Anyway, JD always tells me how much you've helped him.
He obviously hasn't told you about my ear-flicking policy.
This whole groovy guidance counsellor thing you people seem to have working is a total fantasy.
I'm not that guy.
You can go and ask anybody.
Now, you've got to leave me alone or I'll punish you.
Sweetheart is kind of innocuous.
Here's what you're gonna do.
Go down there and confront Kelso.
- Really? - Absolutely.
Never mind that he is the Chief of Medicine he'll have a whole new level of respect for you.
- Honestly? - Yes.
You can't have sexist terms like that around here.
You go get 'im.
This guy looks stable but I still wanna get an EKG.
Let's do cardiac enzymes When you say sweetheart and an aspirin.
A lot of my work has become second nature.
But it gives me too much time to think.
Look, I'm surgery and you're medicine.
This isn't college any more.
Things have to change.
I know relationships change, I guess I thought yours and mine never would.
- What's going on with you, man? - We used to look out for each other.
I don't feel you have my back any more.
- You really feel that way? - Yeah, I do.
You do? Great.
I'll get them from my locker, you can write me a cheque.
Can you look at Mr Bidwell? His temperature's starting to spike.
Sure.
Legally, there's a huge difference.
Stitch a patient, sew a sheet to him, that's an accident.
He tries getting up, gurney collapses, breaks his front teeth that's a lawsuit.
Say it with me.
Accident.
Lawsuit.
Accident.
Lawsuit.
So, what is it, sweetheart? It's the sweetheart thing.
It doesn't hit me right.
I'm a doctor, it seems sort of disrespectful.
I've always called men "sport" and ladies "sweetheart".
But you call Becky "sport".
Well, I am so sorry, sport.
It's one of those bad habits I've developed after working in the medical field for over 30 years.
It's hard to see a patient get worse instead of better.
That's kind of the opposite of what we're going for.
He was fine last night.
Now he's diaphoretic, in and out of consciousness, maybe septic.
We won't know till his blood work's back.
If he's septic, they might have to re-open this guy.
Course, there's also a chance he could die.
I've seen this before.
Gauze, sponges some young surgeon left something in this man.
No, I know the guy that closed.
He'd never be that careless.
Excuse me, sorry.
Has anyone seen my keys? No? How about my wallet? Anyone? I've never seen that before.
Turk! Dr Cox, have you seen Turk? Turk.
I was just dreaming about you.
You were Well, we were You got a few minutes? Don't move.
No.
Don't move.
- Have you seen Turk? - Yeah, I saw him.
He just went out that door.
Turk? Can't hear you.
- What? - Let me in! You love who? Mr Kavanaugh, your arrhythmia's much better.
Everything looks just great, actually.
You sound surprised.
It has nothing to do with you.
I had a run-in with Dr Kelso, so when he switched me to you I thought it would be a difficult case.
Go on, I'm listening.
Excuse me while I check on another penis Patient.
Well, he's a penis patient.
Turk! No, I gotta talk to you.
No! It's nine up, OK? We just lost our fourth, it's your ball.
It's important.
This is not a joke either.
This is real.
It's surgical versus medical.
- Your ball, you're shirts.
- Let's play.
There it was.
Everything was more important than me now.
Don't bring in the same crap the last kid did.
Suddenly, I was so fed up I decided to teach Turk and Todd a lesson on the court.
You know, once I warm up a little.
JD, I'm gonna show you what the deal Oh, oh - Throw the body out of him! - Oh! All right, that's game.
What's so important? I was looking at Bidwell One second.
I gotta go.
But you played a good game.
I thought you sucked.
Go get your grub on.
- Hey, baby.
- You gotta be kidding.
Yes? - Sorry to bother you, sir.
- Well, if it isn't "sport".
How are things? Did you see Mr Kavanaugh today? Yes.
Yes, I did.
Dr Kelso, I just wanted to say, well as far as the sweetheart thing goes, maybe I overreacted.
Are you sure? I wouldn't want you to be the least bit uncomfortable.
I have no idea what possessed me to say anything in the first place.
You've got to leave me alone or I'll punish you.
- Absolutely no idea.
- Super.
Then run along, sweetheart.
Have you seen Mr Bidwell's blood work? No, it hasn't come back yet.
- OK, have you seen Turk? - Not since this morning.
I'm sure you'll see him before I do, so Bambi, are you giving me attitude? What if I am? You have to be a minority sidekick in a bad movie to pull that off.
- You know what I mean, right? - Child, you speak the truth! Explain it to him.
You do the hand, then the finger, then talk through the nose.
Then give a lot of attitude.
If you're not from there, you don't understand - OK, I'm gonna leave now.
- What? Oh, no, you didn't! Where you going? Where you going? Thank you very much.
- What? - Hi, how are you? I have a quick legal question.
I'm just curious.
- What if, hypothetically - Oh, God! You killed somebody.
- No! - Someone else did.
- No, no one killed anyone.
- Maimed, mutilated, disfigured.
I'm not sure there is a problem.
I'm running tests, doing everything I should.
If you know something, by not reporting it you're as culpable.
Anything you wanna tell me? Why am I protecting Turk when he can't give me five seconds? - Anything at all? - Tell him.
No.
Scared the hell out of me.
Dr Cox I'm hoping there's another Dr Cox sat behind me.
Sending me to Kelso like that, I'm not sure what you were trying to teach me.
The value, and this is important, of leaving me alone.
- There's more to it than that.
- No, there's not.
Look, I want you to go ahead and spread the word.
I've had enough.
The next whiny intern that comes to me for a cookie and a hug I swear to Aisha, I'm going to hurt them.
And you, you one-woman freak show take your blah-blah to the blah-blah-ologist.
If you're so stupid as to confront the Chief of Medicine over some quasi-offensive endearment then you've got to replace the captain of your brain ship because he's drunk.
You're right.
I need to learn to pick my battles.
Thank you, sir.
You're welcome.
And you say your husband hardly wore them? Fantastic.
The blood work came back.
Negative? But the guy looks like death.
Hi! What happened? There's no infection.
He's diabetic.
So when someone gave him insulin when he wasn't eating, he became hypoglycaemic.
The only person that could've given him insulin Me! I gave him insulin.
Twice.
He's fine, Bambi.
I gave him an amp of D50 and he's eating now.
You should probably give him some orange juice in an hour.
- Thank you so much.
You saved my ass.
- No, it wasn't me.
- Look, Turk.
- Come on, man.
I always got your back.
I know.
Tell him how you feel without sounding like a girl.
I miss you so much it hurts sometimes.
OK - I'm gonna let that go for now.
- Thank you.
We'll find time to hang, man.
We're both swamped right now and I'm hanging out with Carla a lot.
But if there was someone you were into you'd be doing the same.
Crap! Did Nurse Roberts sell you these? - You don't wanna hear about my day.
- You're right.
Kiss me.
- Right now? - We can wait three, four seconds.
- But I just ate, I feel gross.
- Not gross, pretty.
Come here.
JD, can we just talk for a second? It never fails.
Oh, yeah, another one.
How're you doing? Went to high school with her.
We worked at Penguins Yoghurt.
- I met her on a bus.
- She'll come around.
Pretzel? Thank you.
The first few weeks have been so hard, mentally, physically, emotionally.
It's like math camp all over again.
Not that I've been to math camp, it's an expression.
I use it all the time.
- Come on.
- Anyway Choosing friendship over sex is the last thing any guy wants to hear but you know what? This time, it actually made sense to me.
Besides, I challenge anyone to survive being an intern without having a close group of friends to lean on.
I can't believe you lost our bottle opener.
Yeah, I know.
I miss it so much it hurts sometimes.
- You're a bad person.
- Don't judge me.